Talk about weird.
Current mood: confused
Category: Blogging

I know I will always love my ex-wife myrtle no matter what she does. I've had to accept that fact. I have tried so hard to forget the one who said she was my soulmate, promised to love me forever, and would always be by my side. For the most part I succeed although I still worry about bumping into her when I am in calais. After all, what do you say to the woman that performed the ultimate betrayal in your life?

So here I was talking to my pastor today and he happened to ask if I've seen her at all. He still can't understand how a supposedly christian woman could betray her husband because of her ultra-christian mother's hatred. I told him I hadn't laid eyes on her since I divorced her.

I have even avoided myspace because I use it to vent in my blogs about her and my G/F really hates when I do it. So, here it is exactly 2 weeks shy of when I proposed to her 3 years ago. My computer has had a new operating system installed and everything is new. I don't even have alot of my programs re-installed yet.

So, I run across something really cute on the internet and decide to post it on my G/Fs comments. I open up myspace for the first time on the new install. What do you think happens????? It takes me directly to my ex-wife's myspace page. It didn't ask, and as far as I know, not only is it set to private but I am blocked.

Anyone freaked out yet? Well, I logged out of myspace, logged back in and guess what? I was taken directly to Myrtle's pictures this time. Of course I did almost die laughing when I read her "who I'd like to meet" section. She put "That special someone and I believe I have met him." Isn't that funny? Does she mean the one she is having sex with? Or the one she knew for 15 years and gave up his accomplishments in life for her and exchanged vows with?

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....... Third attempt at reaching MY myspace. I finally get there and decide to blog about the incident. Well, I notice I have had 7 views this week. Not bad for someone who hasn't posted in ages. Then to top it off when I go back to my homepage to post the comment I originally tried to do I ended up on some private RIP YONO or something.

Well, if Robert or anyone that knows robert is reading this, here is a warning. Don't EVER give up anything for myrtle that you can't afford to lose. The risks are to high. When she had to chose between her mother and Jesus as her heros and Jesus got the boot, she was never the same.

I did finally get that comment posted for sam. Hard to understand why all of that happened just to post a comment. I'm sure she will read this and I hope she takes into account that she got the comment BEFORE I did the blog and just what I have to go through sometimes. LOL

Now, any clue why this would have happened? And anyoneone want to fess up to spot checking my blogs but never leaving a comment?

1:06 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Heart Divided
Current mood: depressed
Category: Romance and Relationships

At my age, everyone expects that I have gone through almost everything. Generally I agree. However, I never had to be the one to break a relationship. Considering how I try so hard never to be the one to hurt someone, this was extremely tough. What do you do when your heart is pulled in two? I don’t mean between 2 people, I mean two very different decisions.

Without going into any details as I tend not to blab, what happens if someone does something KNOWING it will cause you to leave and then begs you to stay? This is the third time it has happened. I know she loves me and I Do love her, just not massive fireworks love that will let me forgive anything. I had that once and it all but destroyed me. So bottom line is this. Will the third time actually have her change? Will she change for the right reasons? How much of this is my fault that I really can’t see?

I don’t know which will hurt both of us more, trying again and possibly failing or not trying again at all. Yet of course since I am the man, I’m the scum. If the roles were reversed and she left me? Well, still the scum for doing what I did to cause it. Seems kind of biased to me. I know her friends are probably saying she is better off without me because I’m just like every other typical guy. But if that were true, why would I even care? If it was just me hurting, I would accept it and move on. As much as she hates to hear THIS part mentioned, I now know why my ex-wife Myrtle refuses to have anything to do with me. Not because of me, but because of what she did to me and the guilt she carries.

So, my choices? Try once again and either have a stormy success or another explosive failure. Or just walk away leaving things as they are.
Which choice is best for her?
Which choice is best for me?
Which choice is best for others that are involved?

I wish there was an easy answer. I can’t even figure out why the first response was there was another woman involved. I guess now that I am typical male scum instead of one of those nice guys that finish last, I’ll just have to find an answer. I just wish life came with an instruction book and nobody ever got hurt.

Right now, the biggest thing I need is time. This isn’t an easy thing to figure out even if she thinks the answer is obvious. I do miss her and I’m sure she will read this so I hope she understands. See, no bad labels like you feared.

5:00 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Just an update
Category: Blogging

Well, it was 2 years ago yesterday that my ex-wife Myrtle walked out my door and broke all the promises she made to me. One thing that is sort of funny about it is that she is now making the same promises, the same pet names, and all the rest to some guy named Rob. I am really curious if she even told him about me. If I know her, she convinced him never to speak to me so he won't learn what she did to me. Well, I hope he at least enjoys the lingerie and the kissing lessons I gave her.

In other news, I'm still currently with Sam and am waiting for downloads to finish so I can enjoy the homemade pizza she is making. She is a nice lady with an awesome 5 year old who sometimes gets a little hyper. Also, there are 5 cats to contend with. Good thing even though I prefer dogs I still like cats.

My son just turned 18 and even though myrtle and her family were like family to us, not a word to Jason. I guess we were totally written off because I dared to marry her. Still no clue with his (I guess) ex-G/F after all the problems myrtle caused them. Kinda sucks I still love her and always will but I guess she has someone new to hurt now. Maybe someday she will grow up enough to tell me exactly why she did all she did to hurt us.

I also want to say hi to all my friends out there. Since I spend most of my time over at sam's on a dial-up connection, I'm not online alot anymore. It doesn't mean I don't think about you though. Well, gotta go see my hunny I guess. Take care all and GBU.

4:48 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Live Each Day
Current mood: numb
Category: Friends

Everyone thinks they have plenty of time to accomplish all they want to do. "Live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself" is a popular saying. But so often we forget to make "Each day count". How many times have you or someone you know had a close call? I remember hearing about the day my "ex" rolled her car when she went off the road. She could have been gone at that moment. There was a day I choked on a candy and managed to cough it up just before I passed out. What if I hadn't been able to? Each day we forget about what could happen and continue to believe we have plenty of time.

Recently a friend of mine named Cassie Greenlaw ran out of time. She was only 19 years old. But at least she tried to make each day count. She had her own opinion on many matters and was quick to let you know it but at least she was honest. She didn't hide behind what she thought others wanted her to be. And each life she touched felt her presence. Those she left behind will miss her and mourn the life that was cut short.

Her family can use our support and our prayers. I'm sure more than a few of the people that read my blogs may know her sister Nikki. I am so glad I got her from college in time to spend some time with her sister before God called her home. Please feel free to show your support and visit www.maysfuneralhome.com

I hope each person that reads this will think about all the things left unfinished and sets things right with those that care about them. How tragic it is to have the last time you spoke to a friend be words of anger over a fight. You never know when that last breath will be. Let's ALL try to make them count.

8:56 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Life is Funny
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Sometimes life is funny and you never know where it will leave you. Just when you think everything is perfect and God has granted you everything, someone can come along and take it all away. What many people tend to forget is no matter what blessing God may have in store for you he will not fight against free will. To bad mothers don't have the same restrictions.

2 years ago today I knew perfect joy, peace, and love. I had someone I trusted completely because I knew without a doubt that she would always keep her word and that it was God's will for us to be together. About 2 years and 2 hours from writing this, one of us lost faith. Unfortunately, everyone was forced to suffer because she failed.

I have long forgiven her and will always love her but how I wish she would be able to talk to me and explain why she allowed all of the pain and suffering. Because of her I learned tragedy and pain, watched my son get dragged through heartache, and even innocent people suffer because of her lack of faith. How I wish I could close that chapter in my life but there are to many lose ends left. So I am forced to continue suffering while she avoids the guilt for what she has done. One of her biggest concerns is that I might try to contact her as if I ever did ANYTHING that she had not wanted me to do.

I am saddened that she has lost her heart, turned from God, fears the one person she knows would never hurt her, and has to continually avoid 15 years of happy memories in order to convince herself everything is ok. I find it easier to deal with it lately by thinking of the woman I love having contracted a fatal illness 2 years ago today and commiting suicide on jan 17, 2006. It probably isn't that far off either.

I have found a very good woman who loves me yet the lose ends and the fear of a repeat performance still scare me. It isn't fair to her and it isn't fair to me either. Unfortunately, reassuring me doesn't help much because Myrtle made all those promises as well. One thing I do know is if she will abandon one husband and commit adultery, what is to stop her from deciding to do it again.

What is really a shame is the woman she used to be was the best type of woman you could hope for yet now she is the type that she used to despise. Sleep with a boyfriend?? No Way. Drinking?? Not for that girl. Well, now she IS that girl. Hope she enjoys it. What is odd is her adopted mother taught her to hate her natural mother for doing the EXACT things SHE now does. Makes you wonder doesn't it?

My Girlfriend Sam Hates her for what she has done to me and doesn't even want to hear her name mentioned. To bad actually because she SHOULD pity her for being manipulated and controlled and losing what she wanted most. Before her grandmother died, she made me promise to watch out for Myrtle and protect her. I didn't realize it would result in marrying her but I guess she forgot to tell her daughter to leave my ex alone.

I really do care for Samantha alot and I hope she realizes it. I just hope she knows I feel she is worth being with. I do hope Myrtle doesn't make the mistake of loving someone because she can hide behind them or marries them for security or because she got pregnant by them.

I guess time will tell. To all my readers, thanks for listening. To all my friends, sorry I have been busy. Girlfriends are time consuming. lol. Happy Halloween all.

5:18 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Some days are tough.
Current mood: tired
Category: Life

I guess September 18th is going to remain a tough day for me to deal with for quite awhile yet. It is the day of the most joyful memory that set me up for the ultimate betrayal. Although I will forever cherish the memory, it will always leave a scar behind. A day when the woman I gave my love, my heart, and my trust to made a lifelong commitment. It is a shame that "till death do us part" became "Mommy forced us to part" so soon thereafter. I don't even dare go near the college even to visit friends for fear that she will listen to her mother and renew the harassment order so she doesn't have to deal with the guilt for all the pain and suffering she has caused.

I guess the woman I fell in love with who put God first, believed in herself, kept her promises, and pledged herself to me is long dead. Somehow it would have been so much easier if she had stopped loving me instead of being forced to avoid me. What is funny is the church her mother helps run condemned me as evil on her word alone without asking those directly involved. Yet oddly enough, my church frowned on it when I divorced her for adultery and abandonment. Tragically funny don't you think?

It seems strange that I risked friends, a career, a home, and moved 700 miles for her and all she risked was her mother's disapproval. Too bad her mother was stronger than her, God, and her commitment to me combined. She chose her hero and it wasn't God. She lost the most precious thing she had which was her purity of heart. 2 years ago I meant the world to her. Now I am just a memory she has walled up inside herself so she doesn't have to deal with the heartache and pain she has caused.

Now she wants nothing more but attention, approval, and gratification. I am sure she would be just like mommy if she could. Unfortunately, she can't be because her mother sticks to her own opinion and nobody can change it. She is also proud of the fact that she was married at "18?" and is still married to the same man. Those are 2 claims my ex can't make because she let her mother take them from her.

I am currently seeing someone I think alot of but unfortunately it scares me to be too commited after what I was put through. I am sure that won't always be the case and she knows I won't betray her. Even so, she reassures me that she is not like my ex. The only problem is my ex wasn't like my ex until she was convinced that her opinion didn't matter, her heart wasn't to be listened to, and the path God planned for her was "optional". That doesn't mean I will never get over it or that I won't have that type of relationship with my girlfriend, it just means it is alot harder.

I am just wondering if the girl will grow up into a woman again, tell me why she did and allowed to happen all that went on, and grant me some means of closure. Probably the reason she can't do that is because she still can't face what she has done. One thing I do know whether she believes it or not is she will never find anyone who proved how much they loved her like I did. I sometimes wonder what will happen when her mother dies and can't tell her what she has to do anymore.

I am 99.9% sure my girlfriend is reading this and I hope she understands that as frustrating as it is for her, it is even more so for me. I doubt she realized the significance of Sept 18 and how hard it was to distract me from it. Just so she knows, she did an outstanding job considering what she was up against. But there are times I really regret taking my ex up on that offer to taste her lip gloss. Funny how she condemned Vicky for treating me like shit yet she broke her promise and found a way to hurt me more than anyone else ever could. Enjoy being used because it is obvious that love meant nothing.

10:51 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Birthday Wish
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Life

This poem was first written for my ex-wife when she was 17 and published when she was 18 for a second birthday present. All her dreams and what she prayed for DID come true but saddly, she was forced to give it all up to satisfy her mother.

May All Your Dreams Come True

On the eve of being a woman, caught between child and adult
May you make the right choices and know who to consult.
May you find what makes you happy and avoid what makes you sad.
And have the things you most desire, while avoiding feeling bad.

May your road in life be full of all good things to come.
And know that if you ever fall, there always will be some,
Prepared to give their all for you to help you on your way,
To offer love, support, and care to help you through the day.

Though every decision you will make may not be for the best,
I will offer my help and prayers that you may pass the test.
for life will throw up obstacles for you at any time,
there may be times when you will hardly even have a dime.

You may call it love or friendship, just remember that I care.
With all my heart I wish that you find someone's life to share.
But the greatest thing I wish for you no matter what you do,
This special wish, just for you, may all your dreams come true.

It hurts when I hear people talk about her saying "she's something" or "she isn't anyone I'd be with". At one time she was sweet, honest, trustworthy, and loved the Lord very much. She was my friend for many years before she became my wife and I willingly gave up almost everything for her. Two regrets that I have. That I didn't let her quit college to get away from all those who used her, and that she was hurt so much by those "claiming" to care about her while they destroyed who she really was.

I pray someday she will find herself once more and can at least consider me a friend. If only she can move beyond the guilt, open her heart once more, and remember the lessons she learned from the bible.

Happy Birthday Myrtle. And hopefully this time you can hold onto your dreams. I still hold to all I promised.

2:21 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Memories
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Well, the last couple of days at work really stank. Not so much the work itself as much as the fact that the owner's granddaughter was running around the whole time. Not that she was annoying, but it reminded me so much of my ex-wife when she was about 12. Of course I remember the time of year it is and the fact her mother continually put her in an isolated field with a group of much older men and left her in charge from the time SHE was 12. Talk about a ripe opportunity for her to be molested and abused.

I know my G/F will be reading this and I don't make this statement to be cruel but I know it bothers her that I still love my ex. I know ideally she wants me to forget all about my ex and love her instead. Well, we will see about the latter part of it but it is tough to forget 15 years of having someone a part of your life. And a relationship that fails because of someone sticking their nose in where it didn't belong is the worst kind of failure. The closest I can relate it to is if someone forces her to decide between me and her son with no other choices.

But yeah, memories. How can happy memories hurt so much? Maybe because I have seen how she has had to suffer because she had to choose between 2 things that never should have been at odds. Normally you try to obey your parents. Normally you try to be faithful to your husband. But what do you do if you have to pick between two correct things forced on you by someone that is so clearly in the wrong? Evidently you appease the one who scares the shit out of you instead of keeping promises to the one who makes you feel happy and safe.

I know my ex HAD a job. Was she forced to give it up again to watch over the blueberries? Can she make her own choices yet? or is it still only the ones her mom will approve of? And my son asked me again tonight if we were going to have to go through another harassment order soon. Considering my ex didn't want it and I was found not guilty of any harassment, isn't it odd how many people have had to suffer just because of one person's arrogance and wishes for revenge?

Considering as how I did nothing without my ex fully supporting what was done, why was I declared evil by her pastor because I wanted the marriage to be legal while the devout church member refused the paperwork? Why did I suffer while she had her friend comparing me to a convicted child molester that used to be that friend's husband? Why did my ex's friends turn on me because they were jealous because I gave her flowers and gifts because I loved her? Why did other friends run me off the road, threaten to beat up my son and me, and felt she was better off experiencing drinking, drugs, partying, and being used for sex? And of all things, why do I have to watch my son suffer because he fell in love with a girl in spite of his fear with what happened with my ex and then have the state tear them apart because I have a harrassment order against me that the judge himself said I was not guilty of?

So many people keep allowing themselves to be abused. Either by a spouse, a friend, a boyfriend, or a parent. And even though my ex was never hit, she was clearly a victim of abuse. Why else would she fear her mother so much? I almost wish she would run off to Florida and be used by one of the migrant workers if it would at least get her away from her mother. Of course that begs the question why she didn't leave her mother before. Only she has THAT answer and I wasn't the one cruel enough to force the choice on her.

So, will she contact me when the order is up and want to talk to me? Will she try to have it extended again? Or will she try to forget 15 years of happy memories to forget the pain, the shame, the fear, and the helplessness her mother inflicted on her. She can't turn to God for help on this one because she knows his answer. She had to chose mommy over God. Isn't it nice to have a Christian, God-fearing, trustworthy, pillar of the community mommy that is a blatant hypocrite?

Maybe she doesn't dare talk about the memories and doesn't even want them anymore. However, she had no problem keeping everything I bought her that her mother didn't know about. And still she hides. I know it can't be from fear of me because she can't possibly hurt me anymore than she did already. And even through all that, I stayed faithful until I divorced her. Either way, I have the memories and I won't forget them. I am just so sorry she was used as a weapon to hurt me with no regard for her feelings or desires. But then again, what are mommies for?

6:36 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

My ex is annoyed, how nice.
Current mood: amused
Category: Blogging

Well, I happened to check my ex's myspace page for the first time in awhile. Nice to see grandma is annoyed. I also notice that digital cam I bought her has been seeing alot of use. Well, I might see more usage if she didn't keep her page hidden. So, yeah, annoyed is good. After the hell she put me through I have no sympathies. Don't get me wrong, I still love her but I hate what she has done to me, to jay, to herself, and to jason's G/F. I wonder why she feels she needs to hide from me? What lies are on her page now? You would think considering I have never done her any harm that she would at least be civil and friendly. Oh wait, she explained that. Her heart won't let her only be friends and her mom will never let her be more. Hope mommy was worth a caring husband. Hope mommy gives her the butterflies she craves. Guess I really don't have to bash mommy. My ex already knows everything she has done to her and to us. Bitter, You BETCHA. But it was HER loss. I think she is finding it alot tougher than she realized to find someone who loves HER and not just SEX with her.

So, annoyed. Nice. Enjoy. And lay there at night remembering what she gave up. Hope she is happy with what she did to her life. I'm repairing the damage and finding my way without her. She didn't give me alot of choice. So, keep hiding, keep denying, keep looking for what she left behind. After all, she does have a big stuffed dog to keep her warm at night and offer her comfort. Who could possibly want more?

8:27 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Not dead yet.
Current mood: tired
Category: Blogging

Well, figured I'd write a blog so people won't think I'm dead yet. So, I guess I can cover a range of topics huh?

First of, I realized almost every promise my ex made was broken, and everything she vowed she would never do, she did. I'm just curious at this point what tattoo she got and which woman she slept with. Not saying she has yet, but if she is gonna break almost all she might as well get the last 2 over with. Enough said about old news I guess. She decided I wasn't worth her time so I'm not going to let her use up mine anymore I guess. Seems funny I can come up with alot of things where she hurt me but she can't find one where I hurt her.

Well, I fixed my boss's GPS and while I was at it, I switched it over to speak spanish. I happened to say a few words of spanish and he said I sounded like "lola" (his name for his GPS). I also have found out the supposed meaning of some spanish words. Marocita is slang for grandma. (odd considering it is used by a 19 year old who has no kids) If you say "si" to "chaka-chaka" You can't call what happens rape. Still no clue on marbioses.

Went over to sam's house to fix her door. What is funny is I just fixed it so it would close correctly, then she got locked out and had to break it to get in. Seems a 4 year old thought he could keep his mom out. lol.

Steel toe boots are great for protecting your feet. At least that is what they say. Of course my feet were so sore from wearing them that I took them off and was carrying them. Now oddly enough, one slipped out of my hand and the steel toe part dropped onto my pinkie toe. Guess they don't protect as well when you don't wear them. But who would have thought you would get injured by your own safety gear?

Oh, I also got a message relayed through my ex's mother, to her brother, and given to me. Seems my father isn't doing so well and might not make it. I don't wish him ill but it is tough to care considering he abandoned me, used me, stole from me, and made it very clear I would get nothing in his will. I dunno. I might see what is going on.

Guess I'll wrap it up for now since I have to get up very early in the morning. But best wishes to all my friends and here is hoping tomorrow will bring smiles your way.

8:39 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment