Best... birthday present... ever.
Current mood: excited
Category: Life

I forgot to mention this in my recent blog about Montana, but while I was back there, I celebrated my 29th birthday and fifth wedding anniversary.

I always feel bad when Bev gets me something because its always the best possible gift. When its my turn to get her something, its usually coupons for footrubs that she rarely cashes in or a jacket that I find hot and therefore hope she'll like to wear.

Well, this birthday, Bev went beyond the call of duty and scored me one of the coolest gifts I've ever gotten.

Currently reading : Watchmen By Alan Moore Release date: 1995-04-01

8:35 PM - 9 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

What’s happened since Montana? ...This!!!
Current mood: determined
Category: Life

Its been a while, so I figured it was time to fill everybody in on what's been happening since I left for Montana all those weeks ago...

First of all, the trip to MT was nice. A little too nice. When it came time to get back on the plane to New York, I kind of half-considered just ditching out on it, counting everything I owned in NY a loss, and staying right there. Of course, two seconds later, that thought passed - but I couldn't help notice how much better I felt while I was back home.

New York is a great, vibrant city and the friends I've made here I will have for the rest of my life... but Montana is always going to be home. There's something about stepping out into the night air, looking up and seeing literally thousands of stars, and letting that perfectly fresh Montana wind blow past you. It simply does not get any more perfect than that - and as far as I'm concerned, outside that state, it never will.

We saw a lot of friends while we were back, ate some great meals, and spent a lot of time with my family, who I miss dearly. We went on hikes, sat by the river, and got tattooed. Doesn't get much better than that, does it?

Upon our return, I was swept up in my new job, which I'd only been at for a short three weeks before my departure. I've been busting my butt ever since, trying to impress my boss and keep my co-workers happy. I like it. Its not my dream job, but unless someone hires me to be a billionaire horror movie director/playboy, it will have to do for the time being.

The following weekend, we found our way out to MonsterMania in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. One of the finest horror conventions on the East Coast, MM is one of the most perfect meeting grounds out there for horror fans to meet and celebrate their beloved genre. We were joined by a handful of friends (although most of our NY pals were noticeably absent). I drank a wee bit too much and wished I'd had a little more fun, but I still enjoyed myself.

The highlight of the weekend was meeting Derek Mears, the actor who is playing Jason in the new Friday the 13th remake. This guy is so wonderful, kind, and totally sincere. I don't normally gush about celebrities, but Derek instantly became one of my favorite horror personalities within minutes of meeting him. As a huge Friday fan, I'm still cautiously on the fence about the remake, but after meeting this guy and seeing his enthusiasm, I'll be checking it out his take on my favorite masked killer on opening night.

After that, I found myself back at work again. This week, I had a few setbacks and things haven't been going nearly as nicely as I wished they would, but I'll soldier on. I've got a three-day weekend coming up and I plan on finally enjoying a few days at my house, being lazy and enjoying my free time.

Also of note:

I'm going to Texas at the beginning of October. More on that in the next few days.

My good friend Fernando Phagabeefy is going to shoot his cameo appearance for Sweatshop very soon, which should officially wrap all photography on the movie. Expect a lot more updates on that very soon.

After nearly completing his latest edit of my novel, my editor told me, "You're gonna sell this book." Man, I hope he's right.

I'm finally going to see The Dark Knight in IMAX tonight.

I wrote a really fun article about film remakes/sequels for am New York. If you want to download the issue it was in, click HERE and check out page 24.

I was sent this early 80s ad featuring George Lucas being ass-grabbed while sitting on Chewbacca's lap with an ewok sitting on him, who he, in turn, is ass grabbing... and all three of them are apparently riding a spark-spewing satellite dish into the night sky. It really entertains me. Had this been discovered before 1999, maybe we all would have been prepared for the cinematic assgrab that was The Phantom Menace.

And finally, my good friend John Torrani just released the latest episode of his web series, America's Bad Kids. In it, he interviews Ruggero Deodato, director of Cannibal Holocaust. What makes this ep especially cool, however, is that he filmed it in my hotel room a few months ago, with me sitting right out of camera range. My good buddy Jason Beam filmed it, as well. Check it out below, and if you like it, watch his previous episodes at www.AmericasBadKids.com

Now don't forget to comment! I thrive on your feedback... well, feedback and spinal fluid.

Currently watching : The Dark Knight [Theatrical Release]

12:08 AM - 19 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment

11 Days in Montana (the short, more scenic version)
Category: Travel and Places

I just spent an hour writing a very passionate blog about how much Montana means to me, and just as I was about to post it, MySpace decided to do one of those "amazing disappearing blog" tricks that just completely deleted every single word I'd written. Have any of you guys ever experienced this? I lose more goddamn blogs that way.

So here's the condensed version of my epic heart-felt blog.

I'm hopping on a plane in a few hours to go to Montana. I can't wait. I'm surprised by how excited I am, even though I always knew I missed it. There was a lot more to it than this, so I'll just substitute my excitement with this:

6:49 PM - 10 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Recent events have come to light...
Current mood: busy
Category: Life

Hello to all out there in the blogosphere!

After taking far too much time off, I have returned with yet another ultra-informative rant, detailing the past few weeks of my ever-changing life! So sit back, crack open a brew, and prepare for a tale of woe... or wonder... or this:

Currently watching : American Dad, Vol. 3 Release date: 2008-04-15

7:23 AM - 32 Comments - 35 Kudos - Add Comment

Hey, July! We’re half-way through ’08!
Current mood: happy
Category: Life

Ah, July. The month that marks the mid-point of the year, even though I still write 2007 on some documents. July... the only other month in which Bev has an excuse to watch all of her Christmas DVDs.

This July marks several big things for me… many of which I wanted to share with you good blog-readers. If you only care about my movie ramblings and top 10 lists, stop reading now… jerks.

First of all, July marks the one-year anniversary of our move to New York. I honestly can't believe it's somehow been nearly a year since we moved here, but when I think about all the adventures I've been on, friends I've made, and work I've accomplished, I guess it's a wee bit more believable. Still… a year. Wow.

I'm very happy to note that I still miss Montana just as much as ever – and I'm sure that after I visit there in August, it will only re-ignite my burning desire to get back home within a few years...

July also marks the beginning of my new job. Yup. I finally escaped the temp job that I've had for the past seven months. I'll now be working in the IT department at The Children's' Health Fund – the very same organization that Bev works for! I hear that working with your spouse is supposed to be taboo or something, but I can't think of anyone I'd rather hang out with while on the job. Although we'll be in totally different departments, I'm really looking forward to a full-time job that's much closer to home – and somebody great to share my lunch breaks with...

Rumor has it that I might even get my own office! If so, photos will be forthcoming!..

The first of this month marked my first article published by Fangoria (click HERE!)– which is a feat that I've been dreaming of for a great many years. Although I've been featured in their mag and on the website numerous times, I am somehow much more proud to actually write something for them. I feel like only the best of horror journalists get that opportunity, and I'm glad to be in such wonderful company...

Next month's issue of Fangoria will also feature two articles written by yours truly – a book and DVD review. I couldn't be happier...

In the meantime, I'm still doing a bit of freelance work for am New York, the city's most widely-read newspaper. They're fluff pieces, but I kind of like fluff. Writing about war and pollution is a downer. I'll scribble down stories about musicians and art exhibits any day of the week. Check out my latest am New York piece online HERE...

..Later this month, I'll be attending Montreal's FantAsia Film Fest, the largest genre film festival in North America. I'm extremely excited, as the line-up is nothing short of jaw-dropping. I'm hoping to see - amongst others - Midnight Meat Train, Uwe Boll's Tunnel Rats, and Repo: The Genetic Opera. Stop reading right now if you haven't seen the trailer for Repo and click HERE. It's a gory apocalyptic horror film from the maker of the Saw sequels, done completely in opera. I can't wait. It looks like the new Rocky Horror...

Next month, I'll be going back to Montana for a week, attending MonsterMania 11, celebrating my 29^th birthday, and marveling at the fact that Bev and I will then be married five years! Sheesh! How time flies!

Sweatshop is still chugging along (thanks for asking!) and we hope to see a lot of progress very soon. More on that in a future, more movie-centric blog!

So, here's to a thriving July for all of you… and may the rest of '07, er… '08 bring you much success.

Currently watching : The Machine Girl Release date: 2008-06-03

2:42 PM - 14 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

Ten Films That Fooled Us Into Thinking They Were Original
Current mood: dorky
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Low-budget filmmakers often regurgitate plotlines to make a buck or two on whatever's hot. Look at the 1974 blaxploitation flick Abby (a blatant Exorcist rip-off) or the recent Transmorphers (which needs no further clarification). Unless it's a sanctioned remake, they rarely cite their source material… and even when they're blatant about it, the casual moviegoer can pick up on what The DaVinci Treasure is trying to cash in on. Let's face it, most of these folks aren't claiming to be innovative.

But what happens when they do claim to be original? On top of that, what happens when the tables are turned and Hollywood rips off lesser-known (or simply outdated) features? It doesn't just happen… it happens all the time – especially in genre films.

Just because their names are Ridley Scott, Michael Bay, and Sam Raimi doesn't mean they shouldn't cite their source material. "Homages" my adorable butt. These are rip-offs, plain and simple. Sure, they're great films, and oftentimes superior to their originals, but they're thefts nonetheless.

Gathered below are my ten favorite films that fooled us into thinking they were original… movies that "borrowed" so much from an earlier feature that they simply can't deny the parallels. Can you name both features, based solely on their amazingly-similar plot descriptions?

I could, but if you couldn't already tell… I don't have much of a life.


PLOT: In the not-too-distant future, a ragtag group from Earth lands on an uncharted extra-terrestrial world, thought to be devoid of life. Little do they know, a serpentine alien life form has stowed away on board their ship. After take-off, the crew begins to disappear, one-by-one, as the remaining staff tries in vain to fight back against the alien presence. When all else fails, the airlock is blown and the creature is sent tumbling into deep space.
THE ORIGINAL IDEA BELONGED TO: It! The Terror from Beyond Space (1958)
BUT WAS RIPPED OFF AS THE BETTER-KNOWN: Alien (1979)
WHO DID IT BETTER: Alien, by a long shot. Geiger's alien is a Hell of a lot scarier than a dude who looks like the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
WORTH NOTING: Both aliens love hiding out in air ducts while they dine on their victims.

PLOT: In an "original" story by Michael Crichton, a futuristic amusement park opens, offering guests the opportunity to safely become part of a world never before glimpsed by modern eyes. Unbeknownst to the current visitors, an electrical short disables the safety precautions and, within minutes, the attractions turn deadly.
THE ORIGINAL IDEA BELONGED TO: Westworld (1973)
BUT CRICHTON RIPPED OFF HIS OWN SCRIPT TO WRITE: Jurassic Park (1993)
WHO DID IT BETTER: Tough call. Both movies are great, but the rip-off's special effects and performances are uniformly better.
WORTH NOTING: In the Simpsons episode "Itchy and Scratchy Land", the physical attributes of Westworld and Jurassic Park are combined to create the titular theme park.

PLOT: A group of college kids take a weekend trip into the woods. A professor's foreboding voice is played on a tape recorder. The students are inexplicably drawn toward an ancient book that holds an unknown evil power. Upon reading from its pages, demons are summoned up, which proceed to possess the kids, killing them off in various gruesome ways.
THE ORIGINAL IDEA BELONGED TO: Equinox (1970)
BUT WAS RIPPED OFF AS THE BETTER-KNOWN: The Evil Dead (1981)
WHO DID IT BETTER: The Evil Dead is monumentally better than the experimental Equinox, and the gore gives it an edge that wasn't widely available in 1970.
WORTH NOTING: Equinox also features an evil doppelganger of the film's hero and a supernatural vortex leading to a medieval castle, both of which were ripped off for Evil Dead 2.

PLOT: A man, living in strange facility, dreams of one day winning the "lottery", so he can leave the compound and live the rest of his life in an unseen promised land. Eventually escaping from the facility, he discovers that he is a clone, the lottery is a lie, and that both he and his fellow clones are harvested as spare parts for their original, outside world counterparts. He then returns to his compound to alert the other clones of their impending fates.
THE ORIGINAL IDEA BELONGED TO: The Clonus Horror (1979)
BUT WAS RIPPED OFF AS THE BETTER-KNOWN: The Island (2005)
WHO DID IT BETTER: Somehow, the rip-offs continue to win. While The Island isn't a masterpiece, Clonus can actually bore you to tears.
WORTH NOTING: In both films, the male lead escapes down a steel corridor, across a catwalk, through a drainage pipe, across a desert, and ends up on a rocky bluff, overlooking his surroundings.

PLOT: A group of amateur filmmakers journey into the wilderness, hoping to capture footage of a territorial legend. Little do they know, there's truth to this legend, and something evil is actually lurking amongst the trees. Pretty soon, the token scared girl is crying into the camera and everyone's arguing like children. When they start getting picked off, and only the cameraman is left alive, he rushes for safety, but is clobbered upside the skull by an unseen force.
THE ORIGINAL IDEA BELONGED TO: Cannibal Holocaust (1979)
BUT WAS RIPPED OFF AS THE BETTER-KNOWN: The Blair Witch Project (1999)
WHO DID IT BETTER: Cannibal Holocaust is one of the most shocking movies ever made, but Blair Witch is just a better film.
WORTH NOTING: The final "footage" in both films is of the camera falling to the ground and landing sideways, revealing one final shock.

PLOT: A lonely governess cares for two small children in a sprawling British estate. Soon, suspicions are raised that the mansion might be haunted and the woman begins a personal paranormal investigation. More terrifying than the strange intruders in her home, she eventually realizes that it may be the children themselves who harbor the supernatural secret she seeks.
THE ORIGINAL IDEA BELONGED TO: The Innocents (1961)
BUT WAS RIPPED OFF AS THE BETTER-KNOWN: The Others (2001)
WHO DID IT BETTER: A dead heat here. The Innocents is a chilling mystery, but The Others' twist ending is nice, added icing to the story. Its your call.
WORTH NOTING: Makers of The Ring (a remake, itself) ripped off various creepy sounds from The Innocents to put onto its infamous cursed videotape. Did they credit the original? No way!

PLOT: A lone suburban teenager realizes that the block's new resident carries an ancient supernatural curse. The kid witnesses the evil neighbor take a date home, walk her to an open window, and then gets caught peeking at them exhibiting their supernatural bloodlust. Soon, the teen's best friend has been captured by the neighbor and made into one of them, but no one's buying the story. Looks like it's time to team up with a local TV show host to stop the ghoulish menace!
THE ORIGINAL IDEA BELONGED TO: Fright Night (1985)
BUT WAS RIPPED OFF AS THE LESSER-KNOWN: Never Cry Werewolf (2008)
WHO DID IT BETTER: Finally, an original that just completely kicks the crap out of its rip-off. The only thing the rip-off has is Kevin Sorbo, but even he can't replace Roddy McDowall.
WORTH NOTING: This is the only rip-off on my Top Ten that I actually second-guessed putting in, but the sheer balls that these guys had by trying to pass this off as a "Sci-Fi Original" somehow got it listed.

PLOT: A reptilian alien lands on Earth. It soon feels at home in the dense trees that cover most of its surface and begins to do what it does best - hunt. The hulking beast bleeds humans dry, but before it gets a chance to do additional damage to mankind, a team of tough-as-nails mercenaries decide to track it down, turning the extra-terrestrial hunter into the hunted.
THE ORIGINAL IDEA BELONGED TO: Without Warning (1980)
BUT WAS RIPPED OFF AS THE BETTER-KNOWN: Predator (1987)
WHO DID IT BETTER: Without Warning was never released on VHS or DVD. Predator is Predator.
WORTH NOTING: 7'2" actor Kevin Peter Hall played the alien hunter in both films.

PLOT: A young woman leaves the protection of her parents and wanders into the woods. Three strangers attack her, brutally raping and murdering the young woman. The criminals then flee the scene of their crime, and unintentionally end up at the home of their victim's parents. When the parents discover what has happened, they turn the tables on the murderers and calculatingly avenge their daughter.
THE ORIGINAL IDEA BELONGED TO: Jungfrukällan – The Virgin Spring (1960)
BUT WAS RIPPED OFF AS THE BETTER-KNOWN: Last House on the Left (1972)
WHO DID IT BETTER: Ingmar Bergman's original is a beautiful, haunting film – but the ferocity of Wes Craven's rip-off spiraled it into grindhouse infamy. Last House didn't win awards at Cannes, but it stills blows your mind.
WORTH NOTING: The gruesome story, which was originally set in 14th century Sweden, was again used in 2005 for the colossal horror misfire, Chaos.

PLOT: A Chinese guy, a cocky American with too much luggage, and a handful of others board a galleon to a mysterious island where they are forced to take part in a secretive martial arts tournament. The guy who runs the place has a huge bodyguard who crushes people with his arms, but the cocky American eventually kills him. The token black guy gets beaten to death. The villain uses various illusions to trick our Chinese hero, but finally ends up getting impaled through the back.
THE ORIGINAL IDEA BELONGED TO: Enter the Dragon (1973)
BUT WAS RIPPED OFF AS THE EQUALLY-WELL-KNOWN: Mortal Kombat (1995)
WHO DID IT BETTER: Enter the Dragon. Robin Shou doesn't hold a candle to Bruce Lee… and the original's got John Saxon. Saxon always wins.
WORTH NOTING: John Saxon does not get frostbite. John Saxon bites frost.


Other honorable mentions can go to many more obvious rip-offs, such as Disturbia (Rear Window); A Fistful of Dollars (Yojimbo); Miller's Crossing (The Glass Key); and the "inspiration for" (i.e. complete plot of) Star Wars, The Hidden Fortress. The reason they, and many others, weren't listed here was because their filmmakers have actually admitted to "borrowing" techniques from the originals.

I realize there's not a lot of wacky Ted opinion in this blog, so if you don't feel like commenting, don't worry about it. I just needed to write about movies.

You geeks probably know how that can be.

New "Ten Films" next week...

Currently watching : Phantasm Release date: 2007-04-10

2:48 PM - 28 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Ten Sequels That I Actually Want, But Will Never Get
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

There are so many unnecessary sequels out there these days, people tend to forget about all the films that actually need another chapter. I'm not talking about getting another Friday the 13th sequel or an eighth Harry Potter. I mean the flicks that I dream of. If I had it my way, I'd be watching these ten never-happening movies (some of which were actually close to being made at one point!) this weekend.

Instead, I'm watching the new Sci-Fi Movie of the Week.

With that, I give you… The Ten Sequels That I Actually Want, But Will Never Get.

Escape from Earth
Man, Escape from LA was grade-A crap… but Escape from New York was pretty sweet, and for a great many years, this third chapter of the Snake Plisskin trilogy was going to happen. Then John Carpenter forgot how to make movies or something. Too bad. Snake in space? That might actually be cooler than seeing them on a plane.

Ghostbusters: Hellbent
Bill Murray, you wife-beating drunk. If it wasn't for your desire to leave "franchise" films, we would have had this movie in the mid-90s. Columbia has already approved the script and brought back the entire supporting cast… but no, Bill Murray had to veto it. And to add fuel to the flames, he's now agreed to appear in the new Ghostbusters video game alongside fellow busters Aykroyd, Ramis, and Hudson. What's wrong? Those Royal Tenenbaums residuals slowing down? Bah!!! Where's my goddamn movie, Murray?!

Mister Shadow
Do you remember that spooky voice Gary Oldman was talking to on the phone in The Fifth Element? His name was Mister Shadow – and that was also the title for Luc Besson's sequel to one of the best sci-fi movies ever made. Apparently, the budget was just too huge to handle and the original somehow didn't do enough business to warrant it. Too bad. A bit more badass Korben Dallas, naked Leeloo, and Ruby Rhod with his blonde phallic hairdo would really make my life complete.

Marvel Zombies
What else needs to be said? Having Tobey Maguire, Robert Downey Jr., Edward Norton, Hugh Jackman, and Ben Affleck playing zombified versions of their Marvel counterparts would be the ultimate end-all in geekgasms. Just imagining the scene where they tear apart Magneto and The Silver Surfer (who'd have to be Ian McKellan and Doug Jones) gives me nerdy goosebumps. Very nerdy goosebumps.

King Conan / Conan of the Isles / Conan the Usurper / Conan the Wanderer
Sure, Kull the Conqueror was a totally awesome prequel to Conan (Agree, damn it!), but the franchise needs a full-on third film. I want to see that bearded Conan we caught a glimpse of in "the future" of the first films. I want the ultra-gore of the first movie and none of the animated butterfly monsters of the second. I don't even care of they get Arnold back. Hell, give me Triple H with an axe and I'd be good to go.

Shadow Moon
Very few people know that George Lucas created the movie Willow as a standalone prequel (a'la The Hobbit) to an epic fantasy trilogy called Shadow Moon. Unfortunately, when the first film failed to make the kind of bank his Star Wars films did, he ditched the idea of shooting the trilogy and wrote them as books. If you haven't read his ultra-cool adventure about teenage warrior Alora Dannon and a middle-aged Madmartigan, do so… now. Then join me lamenting the movies that never were.

Evil Dead 4
Ash and a bunch of punk-ass kids get stuck in an old roadside gas station as legions of bloodthirsty Deadites do their best to get in and eat some souls. Ivan Raimi wrote it, but the four people who saw Army of Darkness in theaters weren't enough to get Universal to bankroll it. Too bad. Any reason for Ash to use his boomstick is a good one.

Westworld III
Forget about that abysmal sequel. I'd be happy if the filmmakers would tell essentially the same story as the original, but crank it up a few notches. There was actually a time when Arnold was going to star as the newest model of Yul Brenner's Gunslinger, effectively combining his roles from The Terminator and The Villain… but his political career put the kebash on this Ted dream. Seeing Westworld, Romanworld, and Medievalworld realized with today's effects would be flippin' jaw-dropping.

Super Mario Bros. II
I'm sure you call that remember the epic first film ends with this totally incredible shot of Princess Daisy busting into Mario and Luigi's pad, holding a giant smoldering gun, and telling them she needs their help back in the Mushroom Kingdom. Then they cut to some totally sweet track by Roxette and slam to black. What? Is Koopa back? Did something happen to The Mushroom King (portrayed in the first film by Lance Henrickson)? My mind practically explodes when I think about a sequel to one of the best bad movies of all time. Agree with me, won't you?

Deep Rising II: Treat Harder
Yeah, if you know me well, you should know that if I won a 100 million in the lottery, I would instantly hire Stephen Sommers to make this film (with the title of my choosing). The original Deep Rising, a oceanic creature feature which ends on a volcanic jungle island, gives us fleeting shots of trees being ripped from the ground, roaring monsters, and rising smoke. Secretly, I want to believe it's the same island from ABC's Lost… but as long as the sequel has Treat duking it out with another giant creepy-crawlie, I'd be happy.


How about you, fellow nerds? Anything you wish would happen, but never will?

Currently watching : Invader ZIM - Doom Doom Doom (Vol. 1) Release date: 2004-05-11

7:33 PM - 16 Comments - 23 Kudos - Add Comment

101 Facts About Ted
Current mood: bored
Category: Quiz/Survey

A while ago, my buddy Holly posted a blog called "100 Facts About Me" - featuring 100 very random, wacky facts about her. At first, I laughed at how long it would take her to come up with so many goofy facts... but then I became curious.

I opened a notebook file, started scribbling when I had free time at work, and, after some time, I finally came up with 100.

And none of them are boring, like "My middle name is John".

Holly, I blame you for this.


1) I have been to six countries: The US, Canada, Germany, Italy, The Netherlands, and Vatican City.

2) I really like hippies, but I loathe how they smell.

3) I have sixteen tattoos, but almost all of them blend together.

4) I think Los Angeles is disgusting.

5) For the last time, I don't look like Johnny Butane. He looks like me.

6) My first kiss was while playing spin-the-bottle at age 13. Lame, I know.

7) The "Earth Angel" scene in Back to the Future is my favorite scene in any film… ever.

8) My first house was a trailer.

9) Websites I visit every single day? Hotmail, MySpace, Wikipedia, and IMDb

10) My wife dresses me. I have no style whatsoever.

11) One time, I hit my head on a bike rack so hard, I knocked myself out.

12) Alphabetizing things is very easy for me.

13) I've drank beer with almost everyone from the cast of Clerks, on separate occasions.

14) I absolutely hated horror movies until I was 15.

15) I met my wife in a video store… where she was renting Barb Wire.

16) I know all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", and have since I was twelve.

17) I can swim just enough to survive.

18) My first job was at a Dairy Queen.

19) If you don't know the difference between "your" and "you're", I think your an idiot.

20) I was at WrestleMania 19.

21) Aside from being bald, I'm pretty happy with how I look, thank you very much.

22) Spiders are okay. Spiders with hair are not.

23) I have a really big extended family, but only one sister.

24) My blood pressure is too high (135/85).

25) I have no favorite color. I find them all to be quite underwhelming.

26) I have never been in a fight, but there have been several people I've wanted to suckerpunch and then run away from.

27) I know more about Hamlet than you do.

28) I've been to 28 States.

29) My right front tooth is fake. I gave myself a curb smile when I was 11.

30) Sights do not bother me, no matter how horrible. Smells make me sick.

31) I've seen the bones of a man who knew Jesus (the historic Jesus, not the son of god).

32) The Simpsons is still fantastic.

33) I can say thank you in over a dozen languages. It's extremely helpful.

34) Earliest memory: Eating Skittles in a hospital bed with my mom. I was 28 months old.

35) For not being a Christian, I sure do love Christmas.

36) The first celebrity I ever met was John Lithgow – vacationing in Glacier National Park.

37) I love secret passageways.

38) Seeing Belloq's head explode in Raiders of the Lost Ark made li'l Ted scream.

39) Favorite foods Bev makes: meatloaf, stir-fried anything, and stuffed pasta shells.

40) Jerry Seinfeld's voice is completely insufferable to me.

41) I have worked at four different video stores, and managed two of them.

42) I really like bowling.

43) I unwittingly agreed to go on a date with a man in Rome. We went to a disco.

44) I re-wrote all the dialogue in Army of Darkness from memory during my high school study hall.

45) When using a pen/pencil, I write in all caps, all the time.

46) I hate Insane Clown Posse. I hate people who call themselves "juggalos" even more.

47) Places I'd like to visit most: Bora Bora; New Zealand; Nunavut; Ireland; Antarctic Research Stations; and Santorini, Greece.

48) I always eat a kiwi's fur.

49) Girls who play Dungeons and Dragons are hot. Very hot.

50) I love driving, but I have no interest in cars.

51) Speaking in improper Olde English at a Renaissance Faires is one of life's greatest pleasures. Verily.

52) I knew Archie Bunker personally.

53) LOLcats and owls saying "O rly?!" always make me laugh out loud.

54) I have British cousins. I find that extremely thrilling.

55) I have a BA in English, but cannot spell restaurant or chief without looking them up.

56) My family name is derived from the ancient Gaelic king Niall Noígíallach, and in Ireland, is usually spelled MacEochagáin. That's rad.

57) I'm not Irish. I'm Oregonian.

58) I have seen both Conan the Barbarian and Willow over 200 times.

59) Growing up, I thought numerous Disney princesses were extremely attractive.

60) Oh yeah. I still find Disney princesses extremely attractive.

61) The manliest music I own is a heavy metal album about Lord of the Rings. Everything else is girly.

62) If I won the lotto, I'd move back to Missoula, build a mansion, and open an unsuccessful occult bookstore.

63) It really annoys me when people use the word "gay" as slang for "lame". I don't care what their excuse is.

64) Pugs and Willem Dafoe are so hideous, they're beautiful.

65) I do not like chocolate – at all.

66) I own over 1200 DVDs, but want to drastically thin out my collection.

67) I think I look odd without some form of facial hair.

68) If offered a human steak, I'd try it – if I was guaranteed it was safe and wasn't obtained inhumanely.

69) I love grand architecture, but know absolutely nothing about it.

70) The last 15 minutes of Titanic make me cry like a little girl.

71) I'm named after my grandfather, who was supposedly named after Theodore Roosevelt.

72) Even after much planning and practice, I am unable to say the alphabet backwards.

73) I am not what one would call a fan of our current president.

74) I can't understand why more people don't go on naked hot springs trips with us.

75) I currently work three stories below Manhattan, sorting mail. Dante himself couldn't have dreamt up a worse Hell.

76) I wrote a graphic novel when I was 18. It debuted at the '97 San Diego ComicCon.

77) Cancer and heart disease terrify me. That is why I try to eat right…ish.

78) I like reminding people that a rug can be Oriental, but a person can't.

79) I am a legal pastor and can preside over your marriage – and my rates are good.

80) When I am nervous, I unwittingly rub the back of my neck with my left hand. No clue why.

81) I once dated a deaf girl, but ended it because of her atrocious grammar.

82) Sour foods make my forehead sweat profusely.

83) When I was a kid, I drew my own issues of Playboy. Most involved roller-coasters.

84) I'm now close friends with people I admired while growing up. I love that.

85) My first nationally published work was a letter to the editor in Fangoria. I was 15.

86) I was born on the exact same day that Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell founded Renaissance Pictures.

87) I live in the only borough of New York that is not on an island.

88) I hate all reality TV with the burning fire of one thousand suns.

89) Mythbusters is not reality TV.

90) I've visited the graves of Billy the Kid, Wild Bill Hickok, Calamity Jane, and Jesse James.

91) If non-alcoholic beer tasted as good as regular beer, I'd never drink regular beer again. I hate getting drunk.

92) The food, hotels, and shows are why I annually visit Vegas. I don't even gamble.

93) My favorite film sub genre? Slasher flicks, preferably made between '81 and '87.

94) I didn't realize "renob" was "boner" spelled backwards until I was in college.

95) I'm constantly surprised how many men my age watched The Golden Girls while growing up.

96) I promote proper chopstick usage.

97) I loathe bathroom humor. It is the bottom rung on the comedy ladder.

98) Every time I close my eyes, I see Bev and I in Montana.

99) I first shaved my head on December 18, 2001, right before going to a midnight screening of Fellowship of the Ring.

100) It took me six days to come up with 100 semi-interesting facts about myself.

And an additional fact, for anyone who has decided to revisit this blog...

101) While in college, I unknowingly went on a date with a furry. No, she did not get me in a bear suit.

Currently reading : Indiana Jones and the Hollow Earth (Indiana Jones) By Max McCoy Release date: 1997-02-03

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The Animated Film That...
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I oftentimes get grief over my undying love of animated films. Given my outward passion toward all things horror, it apparently seems quite odd that I'm so enamored with movies that are, nine times out of ten, aimed at children.

This is the first in a series of "Ten Films That…", which do not necessarily cover the best movies in a specific niche, but were the most influential to my cinematic psyche.

So, without further ado, welcome to The Animated Film That… 

… ENDED MY INNOCENCE:
The Secret of NIMH

I first saw The Secret of NIMH when I was five years old. Having only watched Disney films up to that point, the film's surreal and sometimes horrifying imagery had me huddled up in a trembling ball by the time the end credits rolled – and I loved it. I was used to talking mice that sung songs, not ones that were fighting for the lives of their dying children and being experimented on by genetic engineers. It opened my eyes to dark animation and the beauty of Don Bluth's cartooning.


… MADE ME FORGET I WAS WATCHING A CARTOON:
Aladdin

Aladdin is one of those films that's really easy to rip on, as it fits just about every Disney stereotype to a tee. It's also one of their most engrossing films, the first time they used self-referential humor, and features some of Menken and Ashman's best music ever. The Hollywood rumor was that Robin Williams nearly got an Oscar nod for his vocal role. I would have voted for him.


… TOOK OUT MY LITTLE HEART AND STOMPED IT:
The Transformers: The Movie

While The Secret of NIMH made me realize that animated films weren't always about singing and dancing, it failed in one regard. It didn't kill the main character. With The Transformers, I was exposed to the death of a protagonist that I actually cared about. I tuned in every Saturday morning to see Optimus Prime right that awful Megatron. Watching my hero being shot to death was a nightmare – and a crucial turning point in how I viewed movies.


… DEFINED MY NERDY TEENAGE YEARS:
Ninja Scroll

Looking back on Ninja Scroll these days, I can finally admit that it's a hodgepodge of bad genre clichés, horrid dialogue, and gratuitous exploitation. Yet, when I first saw it at age fourteen, I had never seen anything so… cool. It had graphic violence, sex, and a main character that I wanted to be when I grew up. I remember showing it to all of my equally geeky pals and squealing with glee every time Jubei did something awesome… which was about every seven seconds.


… MADE MY JAW DROP:
Coonskin

I somehow convinced my mother to rent me Coonskin (re-titled Street Fight at my local video store) for my tenth birthday. I knew it was naughty, judging from the big-breasted girl on the cover, but I had no idea what I was getting into. Ralph Bakshi's rough inner city comedy was my first exposure to gratuitous violence (decapitation by ceiling fan?!), open homosexuality, and the holy grail of my prepubescent years – cartoon nudity.


… REMINDED ME THERE ARE STILL HIDDEN GEMS:
Rock 'n Rule

I didn't see the animated Canadian rock opera Rock 'n Rule until it was put out on DVD in 2004, over twenty years after it was first released into obscurity. Although it wasn't mind blowing, it felt amazing to view it for the first time. An anthropomorphic mouse version of Debbie Harry belts out power rock that turns into lightning and destroys a demon, bent on dev