In With The Old!
Current mood: used
Category: Life

Am I the only person to get attached to pieces of clothing? I dont know what it is, but I find it extremely difficult to part with anything, even though I get new clothes bought for me as presents.

Currently, my wardrobe is bigger than hers (the missus) -- although she will say, that hers is more modern than mine -- but hey who cares, I'm happy wearing my summer t-shirts of '69 (I wasn't born then by the way, it was me trying to be clever with a little play on words!)

And you know the song, I've had the same jeans on for four days now, well.....I've had the same jeans in my wardrobe now for 501 years! (Levis link) -- I should get this blog sponsored, maybe with the money I could treat myself to some MODERN clothes or maybe another wardrobe to store my Antiques Coat-show!

The reason I'm bloggin' 'bout this, is that today I was picking my eldest up from school and as I stood there, avoiding eye contact with the other parents (I'm not shy -- just dont want to get into the conversation:
"What do you do for a living?" 
"I'm a full time Newsagent and Part Time Comedian"
"Wow, I bet that's fun....tell us a joke!"
"I dont really tell em off stage!"
"You look like Lee Evans!"
"Yeah, a lot of people say that!"
"Where do you perform?"
"All over the country!"
"Really? Wow you must see some places!"
"Oh yeah, Camber at night, Cornwall at night, Clacton at night (thank god!), Cromer at night (if its open!)"
...............

Anyway, I was looking down, and I noticed everyone had nice new trainers on, all except me, mine are two years old, bought from America, they are soooooooooooo comfortable it's like wearing slippers, but the leather is trying to divorce the sole. Well that's not strictly true, its left the sole but the sole is clinging on beggin for one more chance.

It left me wondering that maybe the other full-time mums and part-time comedians of Nursery Corridor were looking at my feet and thinking poor sod, can't afford a new pair of trainers.
I was embarrassed at this thought and tried hiding my feet one behind the other, but that didn't work, so I made a promise to myself, the trainers were going in the bin when I got home!

And where are the trainers as I write this?
Under the stairs awaiting my feet for Thursday.........They'll do till the Summer.......of 2069'

10:34 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Newsagent By Day
Current mood: amused
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Since the death of my Brother In Law, I've not only had to comfort my nephews but be strong for all the family, since my Sister has decided to keep the Newagents going, so that my Nephews have some connection with their dad, and has put me in control!!!
It's been a tough learning curve. I have found out:

That 30 year old blokes like tossing over 60 year old women in dirty mags.

A certain company refuses to allow us to cancel an agreement they had with Brian (now deceased)! And maintains that we have to take on the agreement because we are now running the shop! Any advice on this would be helpful!

There are magazines for everything: Trainspotting, Plane Flying, Knitting Patterns, Nursing, Tractors, Carp Fishing, Crab Fishing, Crap Fishing! (sorry I hate fishing!) Golf Monthly, Periods For Women (That comes out once a month and boy do the girls get mad if its not in!), Irish World, Motor Cycle News, Peace News, Glorious Gardens, Perfect Pansies (written by Graham Norton), Speed Boats, Speed Takers, Women's Weekly, Woman, Just 18, and the man's version Just In!, Take A Break, Dora The Explorer, Ernie The Underground (Thomas Wont Be Happy!).......I just couldn't believe that there were this many magazines, and believe me I could go on but I havent got time, as I am about to start reading from the top shelf and work my way down (Carry On Reading!)

To all my subscribers, thanks for your patience and hopefully, I'll Blog regularly again.

Oh yeah....and I didn't realise how many brands of fags there were until I worked at the newsagents -- And it doesn't stunt ya growth coz a bloke who was at least 6ft 5in came in and he smokes 40 a day!

Till next time, take care of yourselves and each other

Terry 'Granville' Springer!

3:49 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Life Goes On
Current mood: sad
Category: Friends

My Brother In Law dropped down dead of a blood clot to the heart, 3 weeks ago tomorrow! Aged just 43!! I got the call to go to the pub where he had just started his first pint of the night.

I said in my eulogy to him, that if he could write his own end, it would be standing at the bar having a pint, only this time he would finish it first.

The reason, I'm writing this blog today, is that I still can't believe he's gone. My nephews still want their dad back, my parents want their son (in-law) back and I want my friend and Bruv back! --

Although, he would have laughed at me on Tuesday night. I was watching West Ham in the cup, playing a game that both us were supposed to attend together, and in the second half I decided to put his picture and funeral service card on the stereo facing the TV, so we could still watch it together.

Anyway, when West Ham scraped a last minute winner, I danced with his picture, kissing it, as we would've if we'd have been there, the only difference I had tears in my eyes this time!

I miss him now --

But I hear now, that processed meat can cause cancer, yes ham, bacon and sausages. I suppose Smoked Ham n Smokey Bacon are the most harmful!

My bruv lived for every minute of his 43 years on earth, he worked hard & played hard and a freak clot killed him!
So my message to all of you;

Live each and every day to the full. Do what you want to do when you want to do it. Don't deliberately go out of your way to harm anybody and don't let statistics cloud the smokey room or clog the beer pumps!

God bless Brian Jennings R.I.P. "Forever Blowing Bubbles!"    

5:38 AM - 5 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Hello Again, Hello (Steve Day Song Copyright)
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Well, El Tel has been busy -- not been around coz of a hectic summer gigging and also here in the office -- and I'm only popping in to say hello and that every now and then I sign on and pick up all your hate mail!

I'm thinking, I should go and work for the post office -- I like their hours at the moment!

Or become a suicide bomber! It's a short career but it's a blast!

Or play for QPR FC -- it's 90 mins of watching another team play football (Sorry Jeff!)

Anyway, enough of my trash talkin' check me out today on BBC Three Counties (Lorna Milton Show 2pm - 4.30pm) my bits with Lorna between 2.15pm and 2.45pm today (Friday, October 5th)!

I'll be happy to hear any feedback

www.bbc.co.uk/threecounties/

12:43 AM - 1 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Under Arrest!
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life

As a keen listener to Talksport, I tuned in today to hear this plank of a solicitor, called Paul, advise stand-in presenter George Galloway that in the event of him being burgled he should refrain from using his baseball bat and give the intruder a warning that he has a weapon! WHAT!!!

Yeah, picture the scene: Stocking-Faced Burgler fiddling through your possessions:
"Hello Mate, I know you've broken into my home, and either want to kill my family or steal my goods, but can I just give you this warning that I have a baseball bat under my bed, and unless you leave quietly and don't wake my kids up, I maybe forced to use it! Better still, I'll give you my mobile number and you can text me when you want to break in, and I'll come down and open the door for you!"

This debate was introduced in light of todays story: read it and reach for your bat: 

3:26 AM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Kites & Rides
Current mood: tired
Category: Life

My weekend began rather noisily. My wife has got this Ann Summers bug. Encouraged by my sister, our house hosted one on Friday night. 14 cackling women downstairs, sharing stories of sex on the beach while stroking rubber knobs that defy normality (that being 3 inches) -- The hardest thing that night, was keeping my 3 and half year old out of the way!

Anyway, I'm sure Ann Summers knows my wifes debit card details off-by-heart now!

Saturday, took the kids to Wicksteed Park -- well spread out, if you don't know it, not big long queues -- it was great! Just one thing, the 3 and half year old, Lauren, is now not satisfied with the Postman Pat pound ride that rocks back n forth, she wants the adrenalin rush of roller-coasters and the thrill of speed (not drugs-yet!). The only downfall, she has the courage of a teenager and the height of an Ann Summers dildo (See they're not that big!)
So she cried when the ride operator measured her and said she didn't meet the height restrictions on the stomach-churning, throw you up in the air and back down ride -- commonly known as (Fuck that, daddy's not going on it!)

Sunday, swimming and then in the afternoon kite flying. I don't remember flying a kite as a kid, and although I'd had a curry on saturday night we couldn't get enough wind to get the big bird (No, it wasn't a Vanessa Feltz theme kite) in the air. Then daddy gave the controls to Lauren and I held the kite up and whooosh she launched it! She is growing up way too fast and already teaching her dad things -- I then wrestled it off her, so I could have a go and CRASH (it just missed the wife and Kayleigh - the 1 year old plus!) 

The wife said: "That could've killed me!"
I said: "Are you wearing clean knickers?"
She said: "Ann Summers Crotchless Ones!"

So that's where the wind came from!   

2:28 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

PC World!
Current mood: irritated
Category: Life

The world of political correctness keeps on turning.
I had to nip to the bank and on the way spotted a sign in a pub window: "Non-smokers and smokers welcome."
Surely you can't put signs up like that -- it's making smokers out to be some alien form. People have been smoking all their lives, not so long ago the aristocracy were all puffing from their cigarette holders, now we're treating smokers like they are sleeping with our kids, soon the kill-joys and do-gooders will be demanding that every smoker is tagged.
Pub's never used to advertise 'non-smokers welcome' when the majority of Dog n Duck's were like walking onto the flim set of 'The Fog'

Let's look at this another way:

Would a fitness centre sitck up: "Thin & Fat People Welcome"
The Job Centre: "Polish & English Welcome"
The Church: "Believers & Non-Believers Welcome"
Hairdressers: "Hairy Gits and Bald-Headed Wig Wearers Welcome"
Schools: "Clever Kids and Thick Shits Welcome"
Council: "Hard Working & Lazy Bastards Welcome"
Politicians: "Liars & Better Liars Welcome"
Passport Control: "Everyone Welcome"

Yeah, I know it's crazy to have signs like this up, but surely this sign is just the beginning. My wife and I have run a pub and whilst she's a smoker and I'm a non-smoker most publicans that we met were smokers (heavy smokers, I'm not saying they were fat, just smoked a lot!), so most of them would empathise with the puffers.

Instead of concentrating on this habit that's been going for years, why don't we try to channel our efforts into things that really are important. The drug scene is bigger than ever before, again while running the pub we discovered that 1 in 5 customers were taking some sort of drug, that 1 in 5 were subsequently banned from our premises, but the pub down the road welcomed them with open arms, grateful for the business I suppose: "Junkies & Non-Junkies Welcome!"

3:04 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Poseidon PC
Current mood: pessimistic

When the wife and I have a rare night in together the first thing we do is flick through the Sky Movies, they're all catergorised now, Premier, Horror, Comedy, Family, Action, Shit, Old, Remake, Porn....you get the idea.

Anyway, last week Premier Channel was showing Poseidon -- no prizes for guessing this was a remake of the Poseidon Adventure. The one with Red Buttons in, the Hattie Jacques look-a-like, Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine, Carol Lynley, Roddy McDowall and even Leslie Neilsen -- it was not a spoof of Titanic, another Naked Gun or Airplane it was a proper 1972 disaster movie!

Anyway, the remake was very good and enjoyable but it wasn't very PC.  There were no fat people in it, no old people in it and all the staff were Americans! -- now correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought Cruises were full of old people.

There's potential for follow ups

Poseidon 2 'Over 60's Reunion' - all going well until 4,000 colostomy bag's split simultaneously and piss sinks the ship.

Poseidon 3 'Buffet Boat' -- Food is so great that all passengers start at 9-13stone and bloat in one week to double that and the ship slowing sinks under the weight! 

Poseidon 4 'It'll Never Sink Again!" -- Everyone is celebrating the launch of the new Poseidon and the launch of Titanic at the same time -- the two ships crash into each other and sink!

Poseidon 5 "Let's Build A Plane"  

Poseidon 6 "Is That Robert Maxwell?" -- All passengers rush to Starboard to guess who's body is floating in the water and the ship capsizes

Poseidon 7 "Rocky v The Captain" -- Rocky Balbao decides to take Adrian on a Crusie around the world at the age of 97 -- The Captain, called John Prescott -- thinks he has a great right hook and challenges Rocky to ONE MORE FIGHT -- Rocky wins and the Captain decides to crash the ship into a dockyard where 3 Jaguars are parked! The ship sinks........But Rocky survives and in Philadelphia next to his statue they decide to build a replica ship, to prove what a hero Rocky really is!

Poseidon 8 "Streets Of Yorkshire" -- Yorkshire people decide to build a huge ship to navigate their flooded streets. And after realising they have no house insurance all decide to move on board, the whippets go in two by two, horrah horrah! Some local Doctor's think this is un-hygenic and decide to build a small boat to sail into Poseidon 8 and blow it up, they're unsuccesful as RAMBO saves the day at 110 years old! But the Government are not happy and decide to invent a 'Flooded Streets Tax'. With this threat looming the people of Yorkshire set the whippets onto the local council, first to bite is the 6 dog followed by the 4, 2, 1, 5 and last the 3 dog -- And I'm only paying out if you had them in that order!
The Goverment blow the ship up with the weapons of mass destruction that they never found in Iraq!  

2:09 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Tour De Westminster!
Current mood: tired

Last weekend a double header of gigs, Saturday in the heart of Westminster and Sunday down in Camber (Sussex).

Who'd have thought that the Tour De France would affect me getting to my gig on Saturday coz the last time I looked at a map of London, Paris was not a Borough.

I travelled with the band and they were using a Sat. Nav. something that I've always claimed not to need, but even the woman on the Sat. Nav. was saying "I don't know how the fuck we're gonna get out of this, in 100 yards pull over and let's all have a wobbly!"

Every road we wanted or needed was coned off, a huge police presence and more arrogant pedatrians than you could shake a map at!
Luckily, the guy who booked the cabaret evening was a cabbie -- so there is a God (disguised as a club Chairman) who understands an Entertainers pain!

So the obvious question:
Why were we hosting the first leg of The Tour De France? 
Can you imagine if we held the Boat Race down the Seine or British Grand Prix at Magny Court -- it wouldn't do, it's not right -- unless I have a gig in Northamptonshire on the day of the British Grand Prix, then by all means have it where you bloody like.

With that in my mind -- we could've have had the British Grand Prix around the streets of London at the same time as the Tour De Westminster/Canterbury/France -- that would've been fun to watch.

Anwyay, gig went well and so did Sunday's - I'm out again tonight and tomorrow -- it's been a long week so far and about to get even longer so stay off the roads for your own safety coz I'm starting to get tired! 

2:14 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Stand Up's Wanted
Current mood: busy
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

If you're an experienced comic or even if you just fancy giving 5 minutes a go -- then please get in touch immediately. I'm looking for 4/5 comics every other Thurday in Thame, Oxfordshire -- please state if you would like to be considered for the following --
Open Spot
Compere
Top Of The Bill
-- please also state the money that you would like -- I can't make any promises you'll get it -- however, if you don't ask......
If you also know of any up n coming acts that are pestering you for a break, then this will also be a platform for them.
Send all details to: terry@dings.com
No phone calls at this stage -
And if you have a couple of comics that you know work well on the same bill - tell them to get in touch or simply mention them in your correspondence.
Thank you

6:15 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment