Like so many Americans who own a television (a number which increased during Hurricane Katrina thanks to absence of law enforcement), I can’t help but tune in each week to the audio/video crack known as American Idol. Honestly, how can we resist the urge to display our aptitude for criticism of those who are better than ourselves at something? Isn’t that the basis for so many things we watch from sports to the news?
Why stop with merely sharing my opinions with those in earshot during the show? After all, I’ve never been one to keep my thoughts (rational or not) to myself when the ability to convey them to the public so readily exists. If you don’t see where this is going than your mother was obviously right about the effects of photographed nudity on your eyesight. By now, the headlights are on bright, and that big truck is in your lane of traffic, picking up speed.
You guessed it (or not, if your needs are along the lines of "special"). This is my review of the remaining Idol contestants. I’ve decided to arrange the reviews in alphabetical order by last name (utilizing hair color and shoe sizes as a tie-breaker). Once I accomplished that, I moved the order around to reflect my personal feelings of who goes where. Even though three of them have already been eliminated, I felt the inclusion of the top twelve was necessary.
12. Amanda Overmyer - How many weeks was I forced to endure her complete lack of talent? It seemed too many to count. How many packs of cigarettes did she smoke each day to get her voice to sound like that? It honestly sounded like she spent her alone time deep-throating a cactus. She must have a large family to have stayed on the show for as long as she did.
11. David Hernandez - I have no idea how he progressed as far into the show as he did. I heard many people during the auditions who I found to be more deserving of a finalist spot. He wasn’t horrible, but he wasn’t what the French Canadians call "good" either (I’m sure they have a non-English word for that).
10. Jason Castro - Without teenage girls with unlimited text-messaging, there’s no way this guy would still be around. He honestly has to be the most boring contestant on the entire show. I’m not even sure that his braids erupting into flames on stage would create much cause for excitement. He would most likely continue to strum his guitar and lull us off to sleep (causing me to miss the rest of the show and a new episode of The Riches).
9. Kristy Lee Cook - She may not be extremely talented, but I’ve got to give her credit for her clever ploy to stay on the show last week. Selecting God Bless the USA most likely gained her the votes of so many flag-waving, faux-patriotic citizens that she couldn’t help but return this week. Unless she’s performing the national anthem this week, her time has come to head back to small town life.
8. David Archuleta - Ah yes, the seventeen-year-old, helium-enhanced vocals have carried him a long way. His concerns of missing the prom due to being on the show add to the sympathetic value which must be what’s keeping him on the show. Oh, wait. I forgot. Tons of teenage girls (which seem to be comprised of skanks based on camera-panning of the audience) go crazy everytime he takes the mic and forgets the lyrics to another dull song. Other than that, I think he might be a bit "slow" (and I don’t mean the tempo of his ballads).
7. Syesha Mercado - I don’t think she deserves to be on the brink of elimination every week. She was one of the few contestants who illustrates any sort of personality and energy in her performances. Hey, I don’t even have anything sarcastic to say about her, and that alone should be worth something.
6. Ramiele Malubay - She’s like a human iPod (amazing sound quality from a very small package). And since she’s Asian, you can probably pick her up for a couple hundred bucks. The temptation to delete that last sentence for the sake of being politically correct is not going to triumph.
5. Chikezie - Honestly, I was sad to see him go. He probably had the most personality of any performer, and I actually liked his style. He brought something different to the table which demanded attention and admiration. However, just like any stereotypical horror flick, you kind of suspected that the black guy was going to be one of the first to go. It’s a shame.
4. Carly Smithson - The luck of the Irish, perhaps? Yes, admittedly, it is fun to listen to her talk (and it does make me want to go out drinking). That combined with that tattoos (and vocal ability if you’re including that as a factor) should carry her easily into the top five. She needs to hire a choreographer, though. Her movement on stage last week looked like she was humping an invisible man.
3. Brooke White - She’s sweet, charming, and comes across as being a very "real" person. She apparently can play a vast array of instruments as well. She proved two weeks ago that she has absolutely no coordination, but that can be overlooked by focusing on the hypnotic, soothing tone of her voice.
2. Michael Johns - You can’t help but like Australians. Seriously, they’ll send an elite team of highly-trained koalas to your home in the middle of the night if you don’t. He has an obvious stage presence combined with the talent and looks required to succeed in the industry. He won’t win the competition, but he’ll get a recording contract in the near future anyway.
1. David Cook - This guy blows up the stage like he’s on his way to the land of a thousand virgins. He’s takes the chances that would cause the others to vomit before going on stage. He’s figured out that playing it safe and doing what you think the crowd wants to hear simply leads to them forgetting you within minutes after the last note. His performances on Idol should already be hit radio singles. I impatiently wait from week to week to see what he’ll do next. Luckily, it’s only eight more hours until I find out. David Cook, we crown thee the next American Idol.
I've found that this particular video is enhanced through the addition of alcohol. However, if you don't have access to any at the moment (or you're not an alcoholic), just watch it anyway.
Expecting some of my miscellaneous ramblings? Too bad. It's still funny, though (and that's all that matters besides me avoiding the CIA). Clickity click, mofo's!!!
Ah yes, my favorite thing in the world awaited me as I signed in today: unsolicited opinions from people whose opinions don't actually matter to me (this would include those who are living and such). Anyway, let's see what my wonderful neighbor I've never met has to say (yep, lives in the same town).
Well, those are lovely sentiments indeed, Heather. I appreciate you taking time from your obviously boring life to type all of those words. I see by the exclamation mark that your shift key works (and that's the only way I could tell).
Now, while I never asked for your opinion, you were still gracious enough to share it. That's what I call going above and beyond the minimal requirements of friendship. It's too bad we're not actually friends. We probably wouldn't make good ones either since your hobbies include stalking people online and obsessing over the way they live their life or concerning yourself with their personality even though it doesn't directly affect you.
Let's address your points and ponder their validity. First of all, I honestly don't think you've seen me at all. Secondly, I'm quite sure you know absolutely nothing about me. So, with those facts in mind, I'm quite shocked that you were able to assess me so accurately.
You must be psychic. I am obsessed with myself. You got me on that one. Now, you should do something that I only wish I could accomplish: go fuck yourself.
I think the title sums this blog up on its own, but I'll clarify for my slower readers. These are my thoughts on recent events. Do I need to make it any clearer? I should hope not.
Michael Vick Screws the Pooch
Actually, that's probably legal in Georgia. Unfortunately, killing them is not. The government would probably go after cattle farmers too, but none of them are black.
NASCAR postponed again due to rain
No other professional racing circuit delays anything due to inclement weather. Even MotoGP riders take their bikes through the turns with several inches of water on the track. I think they should just turn the Nextel Cup drivers loose. It would be entertaining. Besides, do you think I slow down on the interstate when it's raining?
Barack Obama makes bold statements about Bin Laden
He's probably just taking a harsh stand on the matter to distract from the fact that his name makes him sound like he might be involved. Let's not forget the earlier allegations that he was educated in a radical Muslim school. At a press conference at Popeye's, he denied those claims.
Some say that all I do at work is talk to attractive women
Well yeah, have you seen these girls? They're ridiculously hot. I do, however, plan to correct this problem by, at least, acknowledging the existence of mediocre ladies. God knows they're out there... (and until now, I didn't).
Golden Tee is highly addictive
Seriously, you have no idea. I've even considered stealing the machine we have at work, but co-workers might suspect that I had gotten over my fear of heavy-lifting and physical labor. If any of you would like to buy me one (and deliver and set it up), I'd get plenty of use out of it.
Working out again
Yes, I've started working out for several hours a day, once again. A couple of you used to work out with me, so you know what an obsession it becomes for me. Right now, my entire body is wore out. Well, everything except for the one part that inspired me to work out. That part doesn't get nearly enough use when I'm not in shape.
Note: I realize the Vick situation actually took place in Virginia. I just modified it for the sake of humor. Joe, you're welcome.
Here's a deeply-profound bulletin that I read a few moments ago. It moved me in such a way that I thought it deserving of a place in my blog. I share it now, with all of you.
Note: There may have been some additions to this bulletin courtesy of DJ Jimmy.
To every guy that's said, "Sex CAN wait" (til we get home) To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."(when you're dressed up) To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.(for some ass) To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.(in hopes of oral sex later) To every guy who has given her flowers just because.(he's out of ideas) To every guy that said he would die for her.(when he meant "because of") To every guy that really would.(do her friends) To every guy that did what she wanted to do.(to get her to shut up) To every guy that cried in front of her.(and made it look sincere) To every guy that she cried in front of.(most likely, for no reason) To every guy that holds hands with her.(when his friends aren't around) To every guy that kisses her with meaning.(and not just intent) To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.(and wishes he could watch the game in peace) To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.(just to cop a feel) To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.(so that other guys will stop staring at her breasts) To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.(and to make sure she didn't go anywhere else) To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes(of really good sex) To every guy that would give his seat up.(at the ballet) To every guy that just wants to cuddle.(because he's too tired for sex) To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.(no matter what they were thinking) To every guy who told his secrets to her.(and regretted it later) To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.(no matter how stubborn she is) To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.(that would be into anal sex) To every guy that believed in her dreams.(or at least the reasonable ones) To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.(and shut the hell up about them) To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.(until you went to the other room) To every guy that walked her to her car.(because she was too drunk to find it on her own) To every guy that gave his heart.(and his penis) To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.(because you're dating her friend)
Now that I'm almost 30 years old, I've realized that, perhaps, I need to make some changes to the way I behave. I'm not a teenager anymore. Here are some signs that golden days have almost passed:
- My days of partying like a rockstar ended hours ago. - I couldn't possibly drink as much as I did last night until at least a day from now. - I've began to take eight hour naps in the afternoon. - A girl told me last night that she would have only guessed my age at 26 or 27. - I actually ponder whether I'd want to sleep with a girl more than once when I meet her. - I no longer eat everything in sight for fear of gaining an STD. - I've taken the liberty of hiring a good divorce lawyer in case I ever get married. - I've stopped hanging out with the younger crowd (i.e. underage girls). - I only drive 15mph over the speed limit now.
These are just a few of the things that have changed during the last couple years. It's amazing how quickly time can catch up with you. I can already tell it's going to be a rough transition.
For those of you checking your calendar. . .relax, it's not the 30th yet. It is time to start thinking about what that day means to each and every one of us.
For starters, that day means it's only a couple of days until most of my women get their welfare checks. That means they may have to cheat on me for cash to afford a present. A present for what? That's right. It's time to celebrate another year of the greatness known as Jimmy.
Now, the cancellation of JimmyFest '07 does not mean that I will not be getting older this year. Many of you have probably thought about what to get me for the occasion. I've decided to make life easy on you.
Here's the list of some birthday presents you could get me:
1) Alcohol. You can't go wrong with this one. I'll actually be at work on Monday, so it works out perfectly for the last-minute shoppers. You can buy this gift when you arrive.
2) Vagina. I'm kind of hoping you don't have to buy this one. However, if someone's willing to donate some, you won't hear any complaints from me (at least, not until after the STD test the following week).
3) Talladega Nights. Derek, this one is aimed at you. Don't buy anything; just remember to bring me back the DVD you've had for most of my adult life.
4) Personal Lubricant. Just in case nobody gives me number 2, I'm going to need this. Note to Brandon: Number 2, in no way, refers to feces. Sorry to ruin your plans.
5) Tattoos. You can never have enough of them. You can either get one for me, or get one for yourself in a private area and let me see it.
6) Dinner. At least 50% of the time, buying me dinner will get you into my pants. The only time it fails is when you lead me to believe you're paying for the meal by saying "yes" when I ask you out. I don't fall for that anymore.
7) Funny T-Shirts. I don't mean the ones you think are funny. I'm talking about shirts that are actually funny like I eat more pussy than cervical cancer. You may need to visit T-Shirt Hell to find such a shirt.
Okay, that's just a few suggestions. Feel free to go your own route and surprise me. Either way, if you live nearby, you should be at the Red Iguana on Monday night.
I woke up from my pleasant three hours of sleep this morning to discover something new in the wonderful world of MySpace. To the left of my homepage, I couldn't help but notice a "mood and status" section.
"What's this?", I thought to myself. A quick click of the mouse revealed to me the most truly beneficial feature to ever grace this website. I can now see what all of my friends are doing and what kind of mood they're in while they're doing it. There's even default status settings for those of you too fucking lazy to type multiple words.
As a whole, we often complain about the government and other entities invading our privacy. Yet, we willingly give up every shred of personal information in the name of online self-promotion.
Now, you may have noticed that I lead by example, updating mine within seconds of seeing the new feature. However, I'm far from a hypocrite. I, personally, have no desire for privacy. If you want know that I'm currently eating Lucky Charms and "horny" best describes my mood while doing so, then I'm eager to pass that info along. What can I say? Those little marshmallows just do something for me that beautiful women could never hope to accomplish.
Before you update your section, carefully consider what you're telling us about yourself. If I don't see a friend "online now", I think nothing of it. Depending on the time of day, I might even assume that they have some sort of life that expands beyond this HTML-encoded paradise. Now, if I see that "Joseph is arranging his wardrobe by color scheme" or "Brandon is masturbating to Return of the Jedi", then it ruins the illusion that you might be doing something constructive (like drinking). Maybe a little mystery isn't the worst thing in the world.
- Played various music based on crowd response. - Monitored club climate control system. - Utilized nights off to taste-test large quantities of alcohol. - Designed graphics used in the littering of downton area.
Southern Xposure Platinum
- Argued with dancers about who would dance to what song. - Recruited new dancers through various methods. - Announcer for weekly amateur contests. - Improved employee morale through sexual intercourse.
Fultz Service Center
- Utilized multiple workdays each week to detail personal vehicle. - Started each daytime shift with a hangover. - Smoked large quantities of cigarettes while staring at engines. - Graced co-workers with my presence 40+ hrs/week.
Rockin' Rodeo
- Transported alcohol from one place to another. - Flirted with attractive female co-workers. - Looked damn-good in club uniform. - Participated in drunken vocal displays of karaoke. - Performed as male stripper for bachelorette and birthday parties.
Premier Fitness Center
- Supervised workout routines of highly-attractive females. - Took long lunch breaks with female clientele. - Offered expert knowledge to random patrons. - Utilized multiples hours per week for personal workout.
United States Air Force
- Played PS2 and watched DVDs relentlessly. - Supervised subordinates while they played PS2. - Won multiple awards for functions that got me out of work. - Successfully implemented new ways to delegate work to others.
It's the beginning of a long weekend, and when most people think "long", they think DJ Jimmy Blaze™. What does Jimmy think about? Safety and being responsible. With that in mind, here are some helpful pointers to get you through this weekend.
1) Most of you will drink this weekend. If you do so outdoors, the chance of dehydration increases. To avoid this, be sure that, for every water you drink, you also drink two beers.
2) Drinking can lead to sex (in most cases, it's the only thing that leads to sex). If you're going to be promiscuous this weekend, play it safe. Ask your partner if they have any STDs before you start. If they admit they do, use a condom.
3) Drinking can also impair decision-making. No matter how hot you think someone is at the bar, ask a couple people who've had less to drink for a second opinion before going home with the candidate. This will help to avoid embarrassment later on.
4) Grilled food is awesome. Grilling, however, can be dangerous. The safest approach is to stand around drinking while someone else does the cooking.
5) Holiday traffic is an annoyance that we would all like to avoid. Since that's not realistic, said traffic can cause high levels of tension. Jimmy recommends having a few drinks before you hit the road to help you relax.
Utilizing these tips should ensure a safe, and fun, weekend for you. What better way to celebrate Memorial Day weekend than by not being able to remember what you did during that time?
It's about that time again. So, without further ado, here are my top 10 reasons to go drinking with me:
1. I probably won't be your DD, but I'll give you a ride when we get home.
2. You won't find a more laid-back person when they're drinking (sometimes all the way into the floor).
3. Watching me down one after another might actually encourage you to drink less, leading to your own better health.
4. I may not be able to stop a taxi, but I'll yell at every other car passing in the street.
5. It's probably amusing to watch me pick fights with inanimate objects.
6. Drinking with me will probably lead to you being in some elaborate (and barely believable) story somewhere down the line.
7. You honestly have no idea what I may do next (and neither do I).
8. If you're a guy, you don't have to worry about me cock-blocking you. If you're a girl, you don't have to worry about me hitting on you. Alcohol takes first priority. . .period.
9. You can participate in the wonderful game known as "where the fuck did Jimmy go now". Trust me, it's harder than you think.
10. If I can remember your name, I'll probably buy several shots for you (okay, even if I don't know you at all, I probably will).
If that's your idea of a good time, here's where I can be found:
Monday - The V Club (80s night) Tuesday - Red Iguana Wednesday - Red Iguana (beer pong tourney) Thursday - Red Iguana / Saddle Ridge
I'm also in the DJ booth on Friday/Saturday at Red Iguana, but I can no longer drink while working due to an ongoing investigation by the Chinese government.
