Villains, One-Armed Chess Playing Porn Peddlers, and Puppies, Oh My!
Current mood: Helpful
Category: Helpful Pets and Animals

anna.com writes:

dear anti-laura,

where have you been?!? i can't live another month without your advice. i mean, how else will i know if i should marry that one-armed chess-playing dealer of illegal chinese porn? or if i should get a puppy? help!

I'll take these one at a time.  

where have you been?!?

I wasn't sure I should tell anyone but I guess the cat's out of the bag.  I've spent several months doing mortal battle with my arch nemesis, the Anti-Anti Laura.  She has two eyepatches and any number of eyes.  She sleeps 2 hours a week and she has no fear of God.

She probably has a goatee.

should i marry that one-armed chess-playing dealer of illegal chinese porn?

Don't be absurd.  Of course you should marry him or her!  He or she obviously has that can-do attitude, that certain something required to overcome adversity and run his or her own business.  And a niche market at that!  Plus you'll finally get to try out that peg arm fad I've been pushing for so long.  

should i buy a puppy?

Yes.  Yes you should.  Everyone everywhere should buy a puppy.  They're like babies without thumbs. 

I hope I've helped.  Or at least made you feel bad.

--

Currently listening : Rabies By Skinny Puppy Release date: 2001-06-19

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Picket Signs and Punchlines - or - I Didn’t Love the 80s
Current mood: Helpful

Isaac Essex writes:

Dear Anti-Laura,

How do you feel about the writers guild strike?

Honestly?  It has its good points and bad.  I'm not one of these people who puts concerted effort into telling anyone who will listen that I don't watch TV.  I like TV.  I can say nice things about the initial run of Perfect Strangers.  I'll defy anyone who does not appreciate the genius that was Night Court.  On the other hand, there's only so many times I can hear Howie Mandel say What the fuck is in the fuckin box? before I vomit chex mix all over my delicate sensibilities.  

Really, with the networks going into a complete freeze are we really missing anything?  I recently watched several seconds of a show about a man who went to prison for a crime he didn't commit and I thought FINALLY we've come back to our senses.  The A-Team, Grizzly Adams, and I'm pretty sure many, many episodes of The Fall Guy were based on the Crime He Didn't Commit scenario and those shows all did tremendously well in my I'm just making stats up as I go-o-meter.  On a related topic, I'm pretty sure I watched a show based entirely on the storyline of Quantum Leap if Sam had been a moron and Al had been a hot Asian.  Also I think the show has something to do with the band Journey.  If we can keep coming back to these old chestnuts do we really need writers anyway?  Just go into full 80s reruns and see if anybody notices.  I wouldn't.  Don't lie.  You wouldn't either.  

Or are you asking how I feel about the actual situation?  The strike itself.  My thoughts on the demands made by Party A to Party B, etc?  I don't care.  Put them all on an island and make them battle it out with foam swords for a month.  Whoever wins gets a victory for their side and both parties get to bank on ratings showing this parade of idiocy in a primetime slot next season.  It's like the gong show only no matter how loud we at home are banging that gong they will never, ever stop.  

I hope I've helped.  Or at least made you feel bad.

--

Currently watching : Quantum Leap - The Complete Fifth Season Release date: 14 November, 2006

11:21 PM - 8 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

College: Like Wikipedia out loud.
Current mood: Helpful

teenage internet girl writes:

Dear Anti-Laura,

I'll be starting college soon and I'm having trouble picking a major.  I've always been... not good...  Competent maybe?  at finding my way before now but my life compass seems to be facing odd directions lately.  Help!

College.  That time when learning goes from being a tool for your future to something you do between bong hits.  It's when the gang at Bayside High ended their rivalry with Valley and went on to bigger things, like losing in the ratings to Full House or hanging out with that guy with the mullet who used to play for the 49eers.  Golic?  Something like that. 

While you might see a seemingly endless array of options to choose from, a major isn't a big deal.  Just write a few possibilities on your wall and throw knives at them until you stick one.  This is the exact method Oswald used to decide on shooting Kennedy.  It could just as easily have been Ed Sullivan.  Ask around if you think I'm lying.  With the option of putting questions on youtube for potential presidential candidates, any number of longtime secrets are just a moment away from being answered.  While you're there, somebody ask Mitt Romney if he gets mistaken for Nathan Petrelli from Heroes a lot.  Or just ask him about his ability to fly.  Then wink a lot.

What were we talking about?

...College!  It's a place for the young and old and everyone in between, and they're all just like you.  It doesn't really matter who you are, professor, student, in any circle jerk whether you're on the left or the right you're still just some guy (sic) with a cock in your hand.  These days a degree is really more a prerequisite employers can look at in order to find worker bees with sticktoitiveness, gumption, and the ability to get out of bed several days a week than any actual barometer of one's ability in a given field.  I'm not saying you can swing a bachelors in big mouth bass fishing into a job with advanced aeronautics...  Well, I take that back.  With enough gumption and sticktoitiveness you just might be able to.  I like the cut of your jib.  You're hired! 

So let's make with the advice already.  You want a major, yeah?  Pick something you like, or barring that, something easy.  And if that's too much for you, don't pick one.  Leave school altogether and start your own cult.  Enjoy all the government kickbacks that come with having started your own religion and then, just when it looks like things can't get any better, start charging a tithe, a tuition if you will.  Overcharge for books and espouse learnings most people could get on their own if they had the initiative you've already shown you don't have by having to ask a stranger what you should pick for a college major. 

I hope I've helped.  Or at least made you feel bad. 

--

Currently reading : The Rules of Attraction By Bret Easton Ellis Release date: 30 June, 1998

3:12 PM - 8 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Swallowing Grease is not entertainment
Current mood: Helpful
Category: Helpful Movies, TV, Celebrities

IDE writes:

Dear Anti-Laura,

What are your thoughts on the latest wave of reality and game shows?

If I have to watch five more seconds of "Grease: You're the one that I want" I'm going to swallow a gun and punch myself in the stomach until it blows my head off.

Which when you think about it would make for fantastic television.

I hope I've helped. Or at least made you feel bad.

--

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Currently listening : Happy Hour By King Missile Release date: 15 December, 1992

8:28 PM - 10 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Children vs Monkeys
Current mood: Helpful
Category: Helpful Pets and Animals

Laine writes:

Hey..you could always write an article debating the benefits of having trained monkeys rather than children.

A subject the whole world could use advice on, and frankly you've touched on a matter near and dear to me. I've been a growing advocate of the popularizing of monkeys ever since some ne'er-do-well politician passed a law making it not okay to teach your children to play the accordion while you randomly pick the pockets of strangers. What kind of a country has that right???

Okay, pros and cons. Children often do not enjoy being dragged on a leash in the store, whereas monkeys actually seem to enjoy having something to climb attached to their person. And when a kid throws its poop it can on occasion annoy nearby strangers. When a monkey does it, just awesome. Just awesome. And more importantly, you can't get a baby to be your bodyguard (more laws), but a monkey makes a great one! Even at 30 lbs., nobody messes with a monkey. Nobody.

I don't want you to get me wrong, I'm not anti-baby. After all, monkeys can't sew soccer balls even half as fast as a kid with most of his fingers. No, I'm just a much bigger fan of the practicality of owning a monkey. If you shave one and dress it in a bonnet, nobody knows the difference anyway. Good luck with your ugly shaven monkey-baby!

I hope I've helped. Or at least made you feel bad.

--

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Currently watching : Monkey Trouble Release date: 03 September, 2002

12:26 PM - 12 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Bathroom discussions
Current mood: Helpful
Category: Helpful Art and Photography

Oi! to your mom writes:

Do you ever have to pee but just don't feel like gettign up? Then you sit there and debate for a while about whether or not you should go to the latrine or just pee your pants but decide against peeing yourself. Does that ever happen to you while drunk? I just want to make sure that I'm not alone here.

The mark of true success is to be able to afford a team of highly trained professionals who will urinate for you at all hours of the day so you won't have to get up. For the discreet connoisseur there's also the catheter, but this has always seemed somehow both barbaric and slightly futuristic to me. Like strapping a urine-soaked robot to your junk. And nobody trusts urine-bots. Nobody.

So no, you're not alone at all. There are hordes of people out there not peeing right this second. I believe it was Teddy Roosevelt who said "Urine is the great equalizer." Though I probably just made that up.

I hope I've helped. Or at least made you feel bad.

--

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Currently listening : R. Kelly By R. Kelly Release date: 14 November, 1995

6:58 AM - 7 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Accepting idiocy is only the first step.
Current mood: Helpful
Category: Helpful Life

Margaret writes:

do you think mtv spawns obnoxious assholes for their tv shows in their back lot or are these actual members of society? Oh yeah what's better than partying WOOHOO!

Every generation likes to think of itself as the last. The bulk of MTV programming is, I think, an effort to portray humanity in such a poor light that people will truly believe society is at an end. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy for the stupid. Or better yet, it's like when you put a garnish on a really crappy meal, only instead of a garnish it's stupidity, and instead of a really crappy meal it's stupidity. Okay, maybe that analogy doesn't make any sense, but I got my degree from sending in labels from cereal boxes. And not even good ones, they're the ones that have weird names like "Choco Fusion" or "Prozac O's." You're lucky this column wasn't typed in... crayon.

So the answer to your question is this: As much as I'd love to blame MTV for society's ills, sadly I find myself to be a fair representation of humanity as a whole. We're all idiots. Run. Just... just run.

I hope I've helped. Or at least made you feel bad.

--

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Currently watching : Daria - Is It Fall Yet? Release date: 15 January, 2002

7:03 AM - 4 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

You've Been Ribisi'd: The Unauthorized and Probably Libelous Biography/Musical
Current mood: Helpful
Category: Helpful Jobs, Work, Careers

Isaac Essex writes:

I'm up for the lead role in an Off-Broadway musical based loosely on the life of Hollywood star Giovanni Ribisi. I've never acted professionally before. Will this help or hinder my efforts to accurately portray Mr. Ribisi?

The number of things that disturb me about this question is staggering. Regardless of that shining fact, here we go...

There are many situations in life when a bit of inexperience can come in handy. When singing your way through the second act of the life of a man who's known for playing confused degenerates or hapless younger brothers, what could be more helpful than actually not knowing what's going on? You might also try finding a capable older brother for you to be hapless next to. It's like method acting, only, you know, not.

Show business is a lot like prison. You bare your teeth when you must, but mostly you're stony faced or trading smokes for favors. You wear goofy clothes, wash your face in a toilet, and that first day you show up and beat the total shit out of the biggest guy you see. Which is where we get the term "break a leg." Because what's better luck than not being someone's prison bitch? And with that in mind, I wish you the best of luck in your new profession!

I hope I've helped. Or at least made you feel bad.

--

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Currently watching : The Virgin Suicides Release date: 19 December, 2000

6:52 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Pirate fashion: Not just for cripples anymore
Current mood: Helpful
Category: Helpful Fashion, Style, Shopping

Nancy writes:

Miss Anti-Laura

question: have you ever considered an eye patch like this (skull and crossbones) or even customed designed?

Of course! There was a time when I wouldn't leave the house without putting glitter on the patch, and like most people I did go through my "bedazzler" stage, but I like to go with matte black now. I feel it lends an air of elegance to my disfigurement.

What with the flamboyant and ambiguously gay pirate fashion trends having cropped up in recent years, it's somewhat surprising Hollywood hasn't played up the eye patch a little more. As fun and exciting as booze and crotch shots are, you'd think some enterprising young upstart would hand out a few of these easy to make eyehole covers to a few starlets and BANG! there's a trend the people can really get behind. Eye patches. Think about it.

I must confess, this pursuit of a pirate fashion trend is nothing new for me. I've been saying for years we should bring back the peg leg. Imagine for a moment your favorite star hobbling up to a podium to accept their Oscar, that clop-step clop-step stride carrying him or her ever closer to the speech they hardly need give since the audience is already clapping heartily for the son of a bitch who has overcome the fact that they have a wooden fucking leg in order to act in a movie about a talking dolphin or whatever. Plus, those crotch shots in the tabloids are going to be new and exciting again with the wooden leg added to that played out classic.

I hope I've helped. Or at least made you feel bad.

--

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Currently watching : Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest (Two-Disc Collector's Edition) Release date: 05 December, 2006

3:22 AM - 6 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Alcohol - Lightening the holiday load
Current mood: Helpful
Category: Helpful Jobs, Work, Careers

More Punk Than You... Not As Punk As My Mom... writes:

What's up with there being almost no bars open on Christmas Eve in Cologne, Germany? Is it some sort of conspiracy or is there a lack of people getting drunk for Christmas nowdays?

Ever one of the social holidays, Christmas has long been known for its ability to get even the lightest of drinkers drunkenly clutching at the shins of those more equipped to not fall down when drinking. However, in recent years being drunk in public has taken a bit of a hit, maybe due to fundamentalist religious types, maybe just because too many people finally got tired of being peed on while waiting in line to return the crappy gifts they got instead of the pony or hooker they'd asked for. But whatever the reason, it stands to reason that crawling into a bottle and waiting for a new year to come and kick the last remaining fringes of the previous year in its year nuts has begun to be frowned upon by mainstream society, or at least by the loudest representatives of such.

So my advice is to drink at home this holiday season. A lot.

I hope I've helped. or at least made you feel bad.

--

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Currently listening : Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics By South Park Release date: 23 November, 1999

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