Bored, still up...felt like typing up poems for yah...
Current mood: bummed

Just some ones I don't think I've posted yet...

*

Tell him when you see him,

That I am fine.

Think I've moved on,

left his memory behind.

That I barely even think of him,

everyday anymore

That I don't regret

closing that door.

Please tell him,

that I don't care.

That everytime I turn around,

I'm glad he's never there.

Tell him I'm still well,

happy, busy, and fine.

That he just wasn't the type

of person I had in mind.

Tell him I hardly flinch,

when I see something that reminds me of him.

That my breath doesn't catch in my throat

every time I see someone with his smile,

hat, or coat.

That I no longer cry,

when I think of snow.

Or certain songs, jokes,

or when I see him at a show.

-The part about it all being a lie,

he doesn't have to know...

*

(Cheezy but..this one I wrote after watching "Cold Mountain")

It's not the same

trial and error

to overcome all obsticals

to triumph over everything...

just to lose your love.

It's not right.

certainly not fair.

I doubt it's better to lose the love

then never love at all.

I can't deal with the pain,

it hurts me daily.

People take it,

and crush it,

and throw it away.

How can this be?

Does true love really exhist?

Maybe it did once...

Back when things were simpler,

more pure.

So maybe I never really had love...

...and therefore I just ache for what I never had.

*

What do you tell her

when she lies in your arms at night?

How beautiful she is?

How this feels so right?

Do you tell her she's the only one for you?

That you thought you'd never fall in love?

That it wasn't for you?

How you were wrong, and wish you knew...

Then maybe you wouldn't have brought

so many girls to tears.

How you trashed all hope

and tried to hide your fears

And how you feel complete,

now that she's here?

That crying, and the anger in your heart?

That it lead to her, and never shall you part?

Or is it all just farse,

another piece of your art.

*

My car stalled tonight,

on the way home from seeing a boy

Right before your exit

about half a mile.

Like my car wanted to go

and see you.

It tore me up inside.

All I wanted to do was leave.

My car knew it couldn't make me stay.

I'd dial for help, I'd find a way.

So after a few turns,

it started back up.

It didn't stall the rest of the way ,

guess once was enough.

I made it all the way back home,

to my place, all alone.

I had a million thoughts of you,

and would you had even cared.

If you had seen me stranded there...

*

(after a wedding...)

There was sand,

still left in the bottle

The small grains abandoned by

their billions of friends.

They left to join the others

in a large jar if different colors.

I replaced the cork,

and put the bottle in my purse.

Trying to save the memory of the day

and the union of the different people.

and the colors of sand...

And maybe

by saving those few grains of sand

I'm sharing in a little bit of their happiness

Hoping it will rub off on me.

3:54 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Me first...then you...
Current mood: amused

5:26 AM - 7 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Ooo...more depressing poems in time for xmas :P
Current mood: blank

NOT that anyone would WANT to copyright my silly poems...but don't ok? I'll kick ur ass!

enjoy ;P

*

You made me strong

when I didn't think I could hold on any longer

you gave me the truth

when everyone else lied to me

you saw my true beauty

and never expected more or less

Or compared me to others

you loved me

even when I pushed you away

You were patient

even when I danced on your last nerve

You held me together

when I felt I was falling apart

You always make me laugh

and do your best to never make me cry

you are a true blessing

the one I've dreamed of forever...

...and I hope one day I will meet you

and this love can begin...

*

Trembling like a leaf

mind racing

heart pounding

feeling cold as ice

but on fire inside

I don't know if I was breathing

when you walked through the door...

as I got closer

I felt faint

no one has ever had such control over me

when we spoke-it was like music

melody and harmony

but I was so nervous

I was playing too fast

when you touched my arm

the lights danced around me

I had to run

I didn't want to go

Can you be so impacted by someone

who spoke to you for only two seconds?

a yes would be my dearest wish

*

I thought I heard you

call my name

I felt you come up

and touch my face

I heard a tremble

in your voice

as you said you haden't been the same

since I left-by choice

I thought I heard you

whisper 'I love you' in my ear

and then brush your lips against mine

and shed a tear

I thought I heard you

as me to marry you

and have children, in time, with you

And then all at once,

I broke my own heart.

Because I awoke in the dark with a start

and realized you weren't really here

my vision instantly blurred with tears

Then I just lay back on my bed

so I could try to sleep again

try to forget

all those things

I thought you said.

*

Bitterly missing you

missing the things we used to do

except the fighting about the same stupid shit

ranting, or crying or throwing fits.

Then the calm, and the tears

the holding and 'I'm sorry's'

I miss the movies,

and even the nasty coffee

the joking and the ribbing

Alas, we had to part

I made the descision I know

Yet, you continue to haunt me

and friends have to slap me

back to reality

"It can never be.

He's not even thinking of me."

And I have to let you go again

though it's hard seeing you around

and hard when I'm not seeing you around

So I pray that one day..

...I'll stop bitterly missing you.

*

(kind of still working on this one, sounds song-ish no?)

Here we are once again at your place

And I knew we were both shitfaced

I kept thinking to myself,

'Just shut up, this isn't the time.'

But I was going out of my mind

So I layed my head upon your chest

thinking, maybe it's for the best

That if I tell you how I feel

though I may not get the feelings returned

And I may just get hurt if you turn away

my mouth can't stay closed, so here it goes;

I love you

I fucking love you

I love you

even though you may not feel the same, still...

I love you

oh yah, I love you

I love you

though I may cry and run right out the door...

...I had to tell you.

I know it's an impossible dream

for you to come after me and tell me

you love me too

but I don't want this to be good-bye

or for you to feel sorry for me because I cried

I'd like to stay friends, if you'd let me try...

but I still love you

I fucking love you

yah I love you

even thought you may not feel it too

I love you

Oh yah I love you

yes, I love you

though I may cry and run right out the door...

...I had to tell you.

*

Almost my lover

almost my friend

almost wasn't good enough

I had to let it end

Almost did you love me

You almost seemed to care

I almost let you stay

But to me it wasn't fair

Almost tried to call you

A million times or so

Almost ran to you

though you will never know

Almost forgave you

and let you back in

Almost forgot why I left

and felt hurt all over again

Almost let you see me cry

to see how much I still hurt inside

Almost came and spoke to you

but I stopped my self, I had too much pride

Almost thought you'd stop me

and pull me to your side

Almost thought you'd try to kiss me

but your stubburnness wouldn't let you try

Almost thought you'd finally say 'I love you'

But all the 'almost's' instead we let die.

*

(also a work in progress, same sing-song feel to me-not that I ever even have composed one! lol)

When I met him, it was instant fo rme

why didn't I hear what he was saying to me?

"Stay back girl,

Don't you know I'm bad blood?

One woman for me, is never enough

I'm just not the marrying kind

you're better off just leaving me behind

You know I can never love you

Won't even bother to try

I'll never be faithful

I'm selfish and I lie

All I want is just a touch

Just one night and that's enough

And and next time you see me after I walk out the door

I won't remember your face, name or anything more."

He kept telling me, so why didn't I listen?

"Watch out kid, cuz I'm trouble

We could never be meant to be

I believe in sex, drugs and rock n' roll

to die young and live free..."

1:52 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Stupid stupid boys!!!!!!!
Current mood: pissed off

Ok, so correct me if I'm wrong...but have I EVER dumped or completely forgotten about one of you because of a BOY??? I hope not...I mean, I've always ALWAYS from like BIRTH been boy crazy...yah...but I do my best to not let a relationship ruin a friendship and vice versa.

ONCE I let that happen...I was a kid...I was in LOVE...I understand it....really...it was all about me and him...I hated his stupid loser cholo friends...he hated my friends...mostly cuz they were guys and one annoying little chick I ended up cutting everyone off for him...and I regret it even now...Espec when that little chick and two other friends I dropped for my man died...I vowed to never again let someone tell me who I can or can't talk to and be friends with...

SO...to my point...here I am with a dude who constantly pops in and out of my life every few years...seems that we never actually hang...just find each other on myspace or a random phone call. And I haven't heard from him in a while...til the new myspace thing said he had "updated his profile"...so I go, and i look around...and it says "In a relationship" and he cut down his friendslist from like 20 to 8...I was like number 13...WTF? And I had messaged him forever ago...did he even F'n read the email??? Doubt it...

Then there was this other dude...always throwing his "conquests" in my face...finally cuz of his stupiditiy and lazyness as a friend-I cut him off. And seeing him around has been HARD...I was in love w/ the guy...really...and that doesn't happen to me often...but it could never be so I was friends w/ him...but he was an ass to me a lot...and I'd had a feeling he was lying to me about some stuff...but never did he crack and tell me if he was lying or not...and for some reason I stuck it out for way longer than I should have. I can't even believe this dude even HAS any friends...but still...he's a stickler about manners sometimes...and I came around w/ a friend the other night and everyone else said hi to me and her...but he didn't...and she was surprised...I wasn't honestly...we haven't talked in months...but I was taking group pix...and he didn't even look at the camera...or me...made him look stupid cuz everyone else was lookin at the camera and makin a serious face. He looked like a china doll...some mona lisa smile with off to the side eye direction...Ugh...I should just cut him out of the pix!

And lastly...there's someone I work with. He got upset w/ me when I told him A LOT of people were talking about him and his "endevors" with female coworkers...which he neither confirmed or denied...but it wouldn't be the first time he's lied to me...and he reemed me out in front of a higher up...tho it wasn't really a job thing...not to me...it was personal...he accused me of gossiping when I told people I didn't know what he was up to and if he was screwing so-and-so who cares! It's 2007! Everyone has had a fuckbuddy. lol SO we don't really talk anymore...though I thought we were friends...or becoming anyways...and I hate that I'm even mad at him but if he had come to me alone-like we'd done a few times before-I'd have been cool. But he was being all sneaky and stupid so I'm like thinking "grow the fuck up". Gossip is gossip...and I never believe what I'm told til I hear it from the horses mouth...and even question it then cuz people lie...ugh...

So yah...you men...you suck...you're all out for pussy right??? and fuck who really cares about you???? Right??? Assholes...

And when you realize you screwed up...don't come crawling back...and if you do...don't expect me to forgive you...I'm tired of being dropped and picked up whenever you feel like it...I have better things to do...fuckers...

3:51 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Scary...but good safety tips to help prevent being attacked...
Current mood: irate

**It's stupid cuz I've been attacked and people don't see WHY I am paranoid about being alone sometimes...sigh...but here it is...in black and white...so to speak...I was young, not paying attention, alone in the dark, and he snuck up behind me out of his parked car...and there was nothing i could do...he had a knife...

Anyways...I don't wanna get into detail...

One night like 2yrs ago...I had parked waaaay far away from this fair thing in Silverlake...and my friend and I were supposed to see a male friend there...well I called him, asking if he had his car with him cuz we were in the dark and kind of lost...he was drunk and had taken the subway...and didn't even ask to meet us...I was about ready to cry...and told the girl we could just take a cab back to the car afterwards...on the way back, it was much later...for some crazy reason we descided to walk back anyways...stupid move...and my friend just kept talking and talking like nothing...probably a bit scared but she usually felt safe w/ me...and I tried my best to keep her feeling that way...not tellin her what I was up to at first...Looking in every parked car and around every corner...looking behind us...there were men staring at us...one walking not far behind us...it wasn't til she saw me pull out my cell and dial "911" w/o pressing "Send" yet...that she realized I was a bit freaked. So I filled her in on what I was doing and how I was trying to keep my eyes peeled so to speak...and we made it to the car safely...

It's no F'n joke...it can happen to men, women, kids...Just read this and be careful!!!!!!!!!!

-BCG

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my female
friends, but I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends
have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone.

Please pass it along.

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on
what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.
They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other
hairstyle that can easily be grabbed They are also likely to go after a woman
with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for
women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors
around specifically to cut clothing.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through
their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard
and can be easily overpowered.

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning,
between 5: 00a.m. and 8:30a.m.

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery
store parking lots . Number two: is office parking lots/garages. Number three:
is public restrooms.

6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a
woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry
about getting caught.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapon s because rape carries a 3-5
year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged
because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you
isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,
or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the
attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're
not worth it.

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is
following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or
stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it,
or make general small talk: 'I can't believe it is so cold out here,' 'we're in
for a bad winter.' Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a
line-up; you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of
you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked to said
they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid
to fight back.

Again, they are looking f or an EASY target.

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate
of it and carries it with him wherever he goes, yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and
holding it out will be a deterrent.

13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you
can by outsmarting them If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch
the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper
inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she
used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so
upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed
stitches. Try pinching your self in those places as hard as you can stand it - it
hurts.

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN.
I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a
guy's parts it is extremely painful . You might think that you'll anger the guy
and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our
instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start
causing trouble and he's out of there.

15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two
fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down
on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using m uch pressure,
and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware
of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and
if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your
instincts!!!
You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse
if the guy really was trouble.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your
body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans . If a robber
asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! 

 
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back
tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The
driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,
eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list,
etc.)
DON'T D O THIS! The predator wi ll be watching you, and this is the
perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your
head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE
OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything,
wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat
they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It
is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:
 

A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
 

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from
the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them
into their vans while the wom en are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your
vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest
your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a
guard/policeman to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than
dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible
places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at
NIGHT!) 

 
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS
RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even
then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zigzag
pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may
get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the seri al killer, was a good-looking,
well -educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He
walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or
with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

PLEASE forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A
candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to
women only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters,
etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

Mary L. Rubio
Human Resources Administrator
Focus One Community Credit Union
Phone: 626-471-3300 Ext 3324
FAX: 626-471-3374
MRubio@Focusonecu.org

3:11 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Horoscopes...
Current mood: worried

I was looking through spam and something about the titles of the horoscopes for me caught my eye. Thursdays was way off talking about how I should conserve my energy and not overindulge. Uh...I was at work...I did have like 2 diff pieces of desert tho hahahah... But it was actually sad for me because I didn't get to do anything for thanksgiving. I had two friends invite me over, and one cousin ask if I could go to my Dad's thing...but nope I had to work! And we had a potluck, but there wasn't any turkey..it was mostly deserts. I was seriously missing my Nana's turkey and stuffing :(

So I was looking at today's (Fridays)::

"Spending time with those who are near and dear can make this a special weekend. Tender moments with family members can feel precious, especially if you still need to head to work for part of the day. You may not be the sentimental type, but today could be an exception. You don't need to be as ambitious now, for you are capable of finding great happiness close to home."

---and I think it's kind of true. I spent time w/ a friend and her husband and kid and two other friends -all from work. We ate and drank and had a laughed a lot. :D And it was 5 min from work...which we DO practically live there! haha And since we were eating things like ham and Waldorf salad...it felt like a mini Thanksgiving dinner :D

Then I looked at Todays, Saturday:

"You may be struggling as you attempt to put everything in your life in order, but it could be a hopeless goal now. You might need to let go of something, even if you have apprehensions about it. Remember, your current lack of efficiency doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Don't be too hard on yourself; things will make more sense in a few days."

Which I really do feel hopeless with all the stuff goin on...and because I've been doing so many extra things on my days off...working basically, I haven't done my errands I usually do. Ish...I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed and broke...like I need days off from my days off so I can just relax and not worry about EVERYTHING :P

But for now, I probably should be asleep. Maybe after I check my other emails...haha

Oh and thank you again ladies, for such a lovely evening...and the booze! haha

2:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

10 things I can never say ’07...
Current mood: exanimate

**You make a list...anoynonmous...of ten people and let the feelings fly! Remember you don't say who they are...**

...Again I didn't think I could do it...but I did...I descided to not be too harsh...hahaha...some things are good though...I'm not all evil...lol...I hope no one takes things out of context...then it gets messy :P And if you do and you think whatever number is you...email me! Don't assume! Geez...

1.      What else is new with you? You say you'll be around to help, but then give me conditions. I'm tired of this, you are family. You are supposed to be there for me. If you are so worried about those two taking advantage of me or hurting me, then WHY aren't you here??? Instead you lecture me on the same old crap, getting me pissed. I shoudn't have to defend myself against you! You don't know what I've been through, you just assume I sit on my ass all day and do nothing. I didn't have it good and easy like the other two. It's lonely enough over there, and you not showing just makes me sad. Now the other two do it too. They love me, I feel it, but they aren't close enough to me to want to hang around a lot. And I'm not going to force them. If you three wanted me around, I'm just a phone call away. I'm not gonna beg though…

2.      I have no idea what to expect from you. You are always changing your mind. I'm afraid if I leave, all is going to go to hell. I don't believe you can survive alone. And I'm worried because of you health. I still plan to come by often, but you're not gonna have me around like before. In a way, I'll miss that. I mean, again you are family. Despite the fact we drive each other nuts and what a disappointment I must be to you. But I don't care what you think. My life will work itself out. Your family though and I wish you would support me unconditionally and not judge me behind my back.

3.      What can I say sweetie? I still miss you. It's not right that I do. You like, for lack of a better term…cheated on me. Went behind my back and straight out lied about many things. I thought you loved me. I thought we were going to grow old together-so to speak- and our kids would grow up and be best friends too. I guess you have that with her now. I still think about you, talk about you, and wish things were different. But as long as you are happy where you are and I'm happy where I am…guess nothing else matters huh? Even if you did apologize and tell me everything…I don't know if I could trust you again…

4.      Oy… the things we have been through since the last one of these I wrote (May of 06). Heartbreak, backstabbing, job trouble, falling out… you name it. Here's my thing; I think of you as family. I get hurt easily when I feel you don't feel the same way. I need reassurance sometimes-and no we don't talk enough. You always have hidden things from me, and so yah I can't be there when I don't know what's going on. I think you hide things because of who I am and my high morals or something. I'm not perfect at all. I mean, "three" lied to me and look where it got us! I don't want to lose you like that…but still… I don't consider us best friends anymore. I don't expect you to understand. If you did consider me a best friend you'd would call me that and treat me like that. Letting me know you appreciate me would help me not to feel like all I am is a taxi or something. Sigh. I know I'm a baby. Lol But if you considered me family still-that's something. I do love you. And I'm crossing my fingers, and legs and EYES that things take a dramatic turnaround for you when you leave. Though I'll miss you like fuckin HELL! You and "three" and "six" were part of this new life adventure I had…and I don't know what I'll do with out you around. Sniff. I hope one day you'll move back out here..married and with a kid :D

5.      You. Shit. I don't know where to begin but with some of the stuff from "4". I liked you, I thought you were good together. I liked hanging with you alone, or with all four of us. You are a smart funny person and I admired your talent.  I considered you like a sister and again, a best friend. But you were all about yourself, and the drama. I don't really know why you came out here, but I doubt it was because you loved him. I'm beginning to think you wanted to "live the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Hollywood life" and try to be a star. Star of what, I don't know. You spiraled down into this whiny, lazy as hell, jobless, premadonna. I wanted to slap the hell out of you for making him miserable. For making me feel like you could just say one word and destroy me and my friendship with him. I didn't understand how manipulative you were till the end. Drama queen. Oh, I could say so much shit. Like how miserable my road trip with you was. How I paid for everything, and how you moped and were so pissy all the way there and back… and making me miss out hanging with the cool people we drove all the way up there to see! Shit. I'm glad your back where you belong and that he's finally told you off and is rid of you.

6.  I don't know what we were…but we weren't best friend either. It was some weird pseudo-friendship with way to many feelings that should have been on Dr. Phil. Someone should have sent Navy Seals to come in and rescue me! There is so much I want to say. Seeing you after all these months hurt…and that letter that had the nickname on it…made me cry. I realized that I really miss the closeness we had and that part of me still is in love with you. Once, someone told me you wrote that you were madly in love with me-or something to that effect. You never told me. I gave you a chance. You knew I was in love with you…but you still couldn't say it. I stuck around for way longer than I should have. I kept letting you back in…closer…but nothing changed. All our friends tried to hook us up…it was hilarious. They were super sweet for trying and I love them for caring about us so much. They saw it…everyone saw it…the "whatever it was" between us…You could have done something to make it work…but you've never been in a way to turn a new leaf. And that's me saying it in a nice way. I totally still feel like telling you off…ugh… I can imagine what you would be saying to me right now as you read this. Just let me say my peace for once without defending yourself and making me feel guilty or doing the "oh I'm not good enough for you" thing and STILL making me feel guilty. You hit on that friend of mine and still I felt guilty…not like we were together right? Shit. I just got tired of this stupid game and had to cut you lose. You weren't even being a friend to me anymore. Maybe one day, we'll end up being civil to each other at parties…like all the other women you've "been involved with" in your past…ick. I'll eventually except the fact you'll never ride up on that white horse and wisk me off into the sunset…hahaha

7. I've really had fun hanging out with you. You are cool and funny and totally crazy! When I first met you, yah I thought you were stuck up and all sorts of other stuff. We'd even argued! Haha. But you are honest with me. And we click. It's weird. Haha. I'm glad we've gotten close and all that stuff…I won't get mushy on yah hahaha ;)

8.  Oh I didn't get to you last time…I didn't even like you at first…you pissed me off most the time. Then when you came back into town, I realized we had feelings for each other…and I decided to take a shot at it. We hit it off right away somehow…but alas you were like any other typical guy…you were leading me on…at least I think you were. I'm pretty damn sure I wasn't the only girl you promised to take on trips and dancing and whatever. I was falling for you, but I wasn't going to admit it especially when you ended up goin so far away…when you got sent away…I cried watching the news…worried sick about you…but now I don't know what was lies or truth anymore…so you lost your chance. And I'm glad you got ratted out. Haha.

9. I liked you. Ok? I did. You are smart, and handsome and funny and sweet. We have a few things in common enough to make each other laugh. We've argued and teased and always used to make up if we went too far. You've even helped me out when I had this hard time at work, you've seen me cry more than once- to my embarrassment!  I'm thinking you knew I liked you by the things you said once. And I had a feeling you'd never even like a girl like me…especially cuz I'm older…Then you and her lied (and HEY she's older!)…well, to everyone really...funny thing is we all KNOW… and it wouldn't be a big deal if you weren't lying about it. You called me out in front of someone for like "participating in gossip" about you, but dude…your actions speak louder than any words! And in doing what your doing…you've changed. At least to me. I thought you and I were becoming friends, now all I want to do is run in the other direction when I see you. We've been snippy to each other or just ignoring each other…. I hope you snap out of it soon and maybe learn a lesson from these experiences and it leaves you a bit older and wiser and get back to your old self.

10. I've known you for years…on and off… you and I pop in and out of each others lives. We've both been through some heartache and trials I think…and we've seen each other grow up. I've always liked you, thought you were so cool. Still do. You're smart and funny. When I saw you again, I was still so shy around you! It's funny, it surprised even you. Think you felt all emo and shitty cuz you thought I was ignoring you and you took off and hung out with other people all night…I wasn't ignoring you! I was uncomfortable cuz you were and that night was a disaster! But I think the second time we had fun right? You still make me blush like you did years ago. Sheesh. I'm such a girl sometimes! Lol. I still have a bit of the church girl in me…that's not gonna change…but I've always thought about us getting together. When you disappear I get sad. I'd really like to keep in touch more often this time…and hang out again and at least be friends that hang out now and then! Haha.

4:40 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Love is not promised...
Current mood: contemplative

Ok, so I'm not exactly a church girl-anymore. And it's been a while since I've picked up a Bible...but I have a few random thoughts...some that are rooted from my backround...

I've said to a few people this week the same thing. I hear them suffering...having trouble w/ S.O's...or wanting to have an S.O period. And though yah...hell...I'd like to snuggle up to someone and have them be all in love and mushy w/ me...I realize that it may never happen...I tell them God doesn't promise that this life will be happy, or easy...in fact, he promises it'll be hard. lol. And he never promises us love...he rather we be married then "burn w/ desire" but never says we'll fall in love and get married and have the 2.5 kids and the house and the dream job etc...

I don't really consider myself a Negative person...just more of a Realist. And like someone pointed out the other day, I do tend to just say whats on my mind...lol Oh yah, I daydream...hoping one day I'll find this person who would climb a mountain, swim the ocean...or at the very least...just show up when he's supposed to...and sweep me off my feet...Ok happy now that I admit it? And people always give me crap because I haven't been married, had kids or some other thing...but dude I have EYES...I have a deep heart and I try my  best to keep an open mind...and I see what others go through... and they tell me things...and I have my own experiences that can relate to theirs...

I have people in my life who go from one failed relationship to another and they only seem to be happy and complete when they are in love with someone and someone loves them. And others who are just after the booty. I see that they are lonely and have issues being alone and grasp onto anyone who even notices them. Some feel an accomplishment to "up their number". And yah, I've felt lonely and want company...But I also try to see that I am a strong person who likes being independant and that yah I've considered settling...but have snapped myself out of it...sometimes I feel weak, and get misty because I miss what I had...but someone is there to slap me and snap me out of it...and I tell myself:

"I'd rather be happy alone...then miserable with someone else..."

And that's a hard descision to make. I'm not like others who just plain QUIT on ever finding love...they think marriage and/or monogamy is a joke...they just plain don't want it or to have kids...and a lot of that is rooted in their childhood and past love experiences...I can understand where they are coming from...but me-who tends to be cynical too- understands that I don't control the universe and I don't descide who walks into my life and rocks my world...but I do descide if they stay...And I could be totally in like or maybe even love somone... but I know through my experience what will work for me and what won't...and I have to cut them loose...and I've tried to "conform"...tried to pretend that things others do don't bother me and I'm "cool" with it...but I reach a point and I am not cool with it anymore...it's just the way I grew up and I've kept some standards haha...

And don't think it's not hard for me to see on Myspace even...people my age or even younger..some from my old highschool even...who are married, have kids...some even divorced already...some who aren't even happy with their descisions...but at least they had the oppourtunity...If I'd had a kid w/ my ex...I'd love that baby w/all my heart...even if times were rough and I wasn't w/ him anymore...but we knew it wasn't time for us...and we took 3 diff precautions to make sure..lmao...But I HATE hearing "oh I'm almost 29 and I don't want it to be too late to have children"...Umm excuse me? Did you forget who you were talking to??? Bitch..lol...You can have kids past 30 I promise...hahahaha...and you already have two...shit...be happy...

Anyways...

I don't think it's fun to shoot someone down, or to let someone go or even "burn a bridge"...but I do what's good for me. Because if I am always tryning to help others out of a hole...I'll fall in myself...and I have enough stuff goin on thanks...but often I do try to say something to help...and well if they take the advice or not...I still planted that seed in their minds...I hope...

I also used to believe...and maybe for some it's true...that there is only "the one" person for you...the person who is your soul mate that you will be with for the rest of your life...well, shit... if that's true...and I already had something like that...and it wasn't forever...was that my only chance? And I doubt he'll ever clean up his act and I doubt I'll ever trust him again...so is that all I get? Someone I'd loved since I was 14...an alcoholic...who ended up being a pathetic mess...who was soo over protective and jealous??? Becasuse he was my soul mate...he knew me more than anyone...or I thought these things were true at least...doubt he'd recognize me now though...haha...so is my one chance gone? So yah...I'm hoping "the one" wasn't him and that's all I get...hahaha...but again...I'm not promised anything...so I try to worry about other things...my Grandma used to tell me love would come when I'm not looking for it...and well hell, that's how I met my ex..hahaha...so I dunno...if I close my eyes and am not "looking" will another dude just come to me? LMAO! j/k ;)

But yah...I still do hope that one day I'll find "the one" or "the two" lmao...but it depends I guess on what "His" plans for me are...it may just end up that I'm meant to be alone. As long as I can strive to achieve my goals...and hopefully reach them...and maybe help others too...I think that it's just all a part of a plan...and maybe one day a dude and kids will be thrown into the mix...But either way...I do plan on trying to make the best of what I have and be happy :D

Ok..hope that made sense...I'm soo darn tired...week has cought up with me...and I still have more stuff to do...if I think of anything else-I'll add it later...so ta ta for now ;P

1:23 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Did you know I was a bitch?? WELL...let me tell you...
Current mood: infuriated

That I CAN BE...wooo...bet some people didn't even realize that huh? Well, now you know. I am NOT going to be receptive to every stupid idiotic pass at me...especially if I'm not interested. And I'm not going to take it lying down...so to speak... no matter where or who it is.

Yah, I have a big rack, and I look soo small and sweet...but if you say the WRONG thing to me...who says I have to still be sweet???? Hmmm? I'm NOT sorry for being a strong intelligent woman who doesn't just sit and giggle all the time (though I do have my ditzy moments...but who doesn't?) And sometimes, I get mad for silly things, like general incessant teasing, but it's NOT like when I get mad when someone calls me a name that deameans me.

I bet some people on this page think I AM a bitch...and do I care? NO! If you think I'll of me, why in the F*** would you still have me on your friends list?

Also, if there is someone I deem NOT a friend to me-whether it be because they treat me badly, say bad things to/about me, or simply add me to be a friend whore -- I'm going to delete them. And no, I don't have to necessarily "forgive and forget"...because if the pattern is repeated, it's just insane to keep that person in my life...right? Right.

Sorry to be "Soo fridgid"...oh wait..not I'm not...

3:12 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Photoshoot with RUNON FRAGMENT...their kick ass!!
Current mood: productive

I had to say, I was scared to take these pix. It's been what...a year now since I've been in photoclass (and I miss it like hell) and besides Elegant Bastards...I've never had a shoot w/ another band outiside of concerts...let alone w/ my film camera instead of Blue's little digital.

I drove up to Mark's house and had pizza while I waited for the band to get their gear set up and picture ready clothes on. No I didn't get to see them change! Pervs. haha.

Actually I was super worried about these pix. I thought they were gonna be inside! So I packed my little flash and some 400 and 800 speed film! Then when we ended up outside...whoops! Grainy and yellow...but you know...I think for this group...it kind of went together. I liked it. Mark likes it...and that's what matters right? TWO rolls of film...A little photoshop and some cropping and there you have it!

At first, all of us were pretty shy. Especially me, alone infront of three hot young guys trying to be semi-professional. lol. So I just took a few warm up shots of them infront of a fence by the LA river wash and made them smile and say "PUSSY!"..

...after that I think the ice was broken... lol

There were a LOT of good pix...these guys aren't new to being photographed, and I felt lucky that they were soo cool and cooperative with me, even James whom I had just met!

So yah, now they have ALL THREE of the RF websites w/ my pix on it..and each of the boys are displaying their single shots of them on their private pages. Kick ass! They are workin on some new shit, and just did a video for the song "Some Things Never Change" ...so go check them out...add them, leave them some love...and hell...leave me some love too! I can always use it!

Well, here they are...whadda think?

Just so you know...From Right to Left....Mark (bass/vocals), Darren (lead guitar) and James (Drums)....

I thought they looked good in blue...ha

Guys being goofy...hahaha...

Mark and I like Black & White...so I photoshopped one or two to see what they'd look like...and I like it...

On my knees...

I told them to pretend they were checkin out a girl...haha...

I loved this one...even in black and white!

I was laughing a lot...they're just so damn cute! lol

Mark said they were my "Ken dolls" or as I said, "my hoe's" hahahahaha j/k! But they were on the street corner here...lol...

James is thumbing them a ride... all Mark needs a sign that says: "Will ROCK for food"...lmao...

All done...going home...

We did a couple of Individal shots...here's a few...

Alright! I'm stopping here! I really had a lot of fun, considering that I had to run off to West Covina for a family thing right afterwards...lol...and I can't wait to shoot pix for them again sometime!

6:37 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment