TOO MUCH ROCKIE, NOT ENOUGH TALKIE
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Your assistance is once again required.

It's a simple question. Well, I've split it into two to make it more complicated but I'm sure you'll get the drift :

i) should we leave long gaps between songs and/or do "proper" endings to songs instead of just droning feedback between them all like twats?

I don't like being forced to clap, not for big bands, not for local shite, not for nothing. I feel we're doing our duty by taking the "clap obligation" out for you.

ii) are we missing out by not doing ANY BANTER whatsoever in our set?

Some MySpace "friends" who shall remain nameless recently complained/moaned at us for not even acknowledging the crowd at certain recent gigs comeing to the logical conclusion that we were pissed off in some way or thought that every single person who came to see us was an utter wanker. Only some of those conclusions are slightly true. It is apparently "not nice" to not chat to the punters or even say "hello" or something.

I used to talk quite a bit between songs, some of you may have forgotten this. We always ALWAYS used to open with "Hello we're The Chapman Family, we love you all". I later modified this to "Hello we're The Chapman Family, we love you all, you hippy cunts" for Glastonbury. Do you see what I did there?

I haven't always been so eloquent though, which may go some way as to the whys and wherefores of us not doing much "mid set banter". Some bands are really good at it, like We Are Scientists and Das Wanderlust. These are my best efforts :

"Hello we're The Chapman Family and welcome to the Jonathan Woodgate signing party" - at a gig in the Head of Steam, Newcastle on the day that Jonathan Woodgate (ex-Newcastle) signed for Middlesbrough and turned down a last minute offer to rejoin Newcastle.

"Hello we're The Chapman Family and we played here last month. I doubt any of you were here for it so we're basically going to play exactly the same songs we did last time in exactly the same order and stand in exactly the same places. Enjoy. 1, 2 ,3, 4." - thankyouandgoodnight The Howard in Sheffield.

"This one is about killing children" - nice family friendly intro to A Million Dollars. oftern varied to one of the following : "This one is about killing children in streams"; "This one is about drowning kids in ponds like you liot used to do in the second world war" (Hello London!); "This one is dedicated to the McCanns, it's about killing kids in lakes". I seriously don't know what I was doing. I apologise massively.

"We've got some CDs to give away for free if you want them. We're northern you see, we give away stuff for fuck all, unlike you posh southern cunts" - how not to endear yourself to the London scene.

Yeah so advice would be much appreciated. Banter yeah or banter naaa.

9:39 AM - 38 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

DAYS OF FUNDER
Category: Music

As in "fun" (happiness, remember that?) and "derrrrrrr" (as in divvy); linked in to the film Days Of Thunder starring shortarsed twatbag Tom Cruise and his lanky ex-wife (and star of BMX Bandits) Nicole Kidman. Witty word play is getting harder and harder these days. You'd think it would be all fun and games being in a noisy indie goff band wouldn't you? Eeeeee well.

First things first, this should be a busy week. Actually, fuck that, get to that in a bit, whilst it's fresh in my memory did anyone see that film "Jekyll and Hyde" last night on ITV with John Hannah (the gay fella off Four Weddings)? My lord...here's the Chapman review for you....PIECE OF SHIT. Da daaaaaaa, as if you expected anything less. Basically, Doc Jeykell's "transformation" into Mr Hyde merely involved walking around with a cane and a top hat, doing a pretty weird "menacing" grin, leering at tits, beating up peasants and wearing a really shit long fur coat that made him look like a combination betwen P-Diddy and Trigger off Only Fools and Horses. Anyone who would like to comment on here and defend that film please feel free but I think I'll stand by original review. I like films with a bita the ol' Victorian cobbled streets and posh nutters running about killing all the peasants (I am a bit of a goth after all) but this one just didn't do it for me.

"Dave"

I seriously don't know why I write this rubbish.

Anyway, this week there will be Days of Fun-der aplenty. Here's your itinery :

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - attempt to fix crappy old guitar amplifier that "they don't make them anymore mate sorry". Well cheers, thanks a fucking bunch. "What do you mean you want the reverb bypassed and the switch turning off? Are you fucking mental??" [Any assistance on the inner workings of a Roland Bolt-60 Amplifier possibly dating back to the early 1980s would be much appreciated.]

I digress.

Tuesday August 26th @ Middlesbrough Empire supporting We Are Scientists. Tickets £14. YES £14! But we still see fuck all of that so don't have a go at me about it OK? We're lucky if we get anything free to fucking drink. We're on at about 8pm so get down early (unless you think we're shit, in that case, We Are Scientists are on at about 10ish)

Thursday August 28th @ Old Blue Last, Shoreditch supporting We Are Scientists. Tickets £7. YES £7 - that's half the price of the Boro ones. Doors are somewhere between 6 and 7ish. This pub is FUCKING TINY so don't expect to just swan up and get in, it's going to be messy. We're on at about 9 here, slowly working our way up the bill.

Saturday August 30th @ Offset Festival, near Chigwell, Essex. Go to www.offsetfestival.co.uk for information on the ace line up which includes WIRE, GANG OF FOUR, YOUNG KNIVES, BLOOD RED SHOES, KASMS, DIE!DIE!DIE! and many many more like FIGHTSTAR and SELFISH CUNT. If you want cheapo tickets go to www.offsetfestival.co.uk/secret and type in THE CHAPMAN FAMILY, hey presto, £10 discount. We are on the NEW BANDS STAGE on SATURDAY NIGHT at 8pm just before the headliners OX.EAGLE.LION.MAN.

And then we take a bit of a break before our UK/German/Austrian tour in September, October and November. Rock. Roll.

As you all should know, I pretty much hate every other band on the planet apart from my own - it's fun being me. Recently with all this "INTERNET MALARKY" getting a bit out of control, the amount of competitions and music sites to subscribe to in the vain hope of "making it big" is so huge it is in danger of ruining the net's primary (and sole) use - looking at Jenna Jameson's tits. We're on MySpace (which immediately makes me a hypocrite in relation to any comments I ever EVER make about "selling out". Yes Mr Murdoch, thanks Mr Murdoch, three bags full Mr Murdoch); used to be on the NME one but it got deleted or hacked or something; I think we're on the XFM one but I mistakenly put that we're from London like a FUCKING IDIOT; there's one called Vox that we're on too but I haven't been on it for about six months; and some other indie one that I started about two years ago but I've forgotten the password. Yeah, go team me. We've got a Radio One profile somewhere too because of the Glastonbury thing but they'll no doubt delete that soon, bless em. Anyway, we have never entered a Battle of the Bands FOR ANY KIND OF PRIZE or entered online competitions to get on the telly (yo Orange Unsigned!) or to play at shit festivals like Bransons Wankfest. I'm not going to go into the whys and wherefores as to why we haven't entered any of these competitions as I may offend every single band that has every applied to be critiqued by Alex James and Jo Whiley and I think that would be unfair - I am however interested in what other people think about these sort of things. Further reading :

Orange Unsigned Act Official Site

Drowned in Sound interview with last years T-Mobile Unsigned winner Envy and Other Sins

The Road to Branson's Corporate Hellhole Official Site

Is "selling out" still an issue in today's music industry? Is actually selling out a measure of being a success? When do you actually sell out? - is it when you appear on the main stage at V or when you apply online for the chance? Are these things just another way of an unknown band to get noticed which surely must be applauded?

Right, off to set my hair on fire for Pepsi.

WE CORPORATELY LOVE YOU ALL

12:07 PM - 13 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

YOUR ASSISTANCE AND ADVICE REQUIRED - RIVERSIDE FESTIVAL 2008
Current mood: bummed
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Righty ho.

We're playing the Riverside Festival at 515pm on Saturday August 2nd blah blah blah click here for details (Festival Site).

We're scheduled to play for 45 minutes. As you may or may not know we only ever do sets of approximately 20-25 minutes. This causes something of a dilemma, we're not really a band that can "fill" for 20 minutes. As much as I love Freddie Mercury shouting "ba da ba daaaaaaaaaaay rop" at the crowd for half an hour Live at Wembley in 1986 I don't think I've got the great big shiny balls that poor ol' Freddie had.

So, we need suggestions for songs that we'll play out over the PA for 5-10 minutes before we go on. Simple eh? Not as simple as you think...

It can't just be any rum old ballad crap we need you to get the crowd at fever pitch! Suggestions so far :

Boston "More than A Feeling"

Will Smith "Boom Boom Shake The Room"

You can do better than that though right? Please suggest away :

8:25 PM - 21 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

ADVENTURES IN MAIDA VEGAS
Category: Music

We seem to be going up and down to London all the time at the moment.

Firstly we were down to play at Tommy Flynns for The Vivians single release party (for Electric Toaster Records). This is us doing our song Like A Million Dollars. The stage is totally tiny down there so please excuse the complete lack of movement on our part! I barely had enough space to turn my three distortion pedals on and off. (If you want to bypass the "indie wank" section of the song and go straight into shouting and feedback just join the action 6 minutes in). The video is an Indie Dad Joint by the way, incase you were wondering, (go buy records on his label I Blame The Parents).

It was a fun gig, it always is down there and everyone is really nice. Even the drunks are nice - seriously! I was accosted by an "agressive drunk" who threatened to punch whoever it was that had hit me. The thing was, no one had hit me, I was just very tired and my eyes had gone "all panda". Anyway, turns out he was a tremendously nice chap and I bought him a Magners. Drunks up here just seem to want to kill you or want you to "stop lookin at maa bird will yer". The tramps are nice too. I gave a nice little Irish fella a cigarette and he acted like he'd won the lottery, bless him. He then proceeded to ask me what part of Ireland I was from...

Anyway, fast forward a couple of days and we're back down in The Smoke for a Radio One session for Huw Stephens at Maida Vale. We had to drive down this road :

I suppose there's only so many times you can call a road "Acacia Avenue" but really...

When we got to Maida Vale we were greeted by some worrying graffitti.

But we soon got into "rock mode" and recorded our songs - all in one take baby yeah! Here is Paul demonstrating EXACTLY what being in "the zone" is all about :

He works on his stances alot. Not alot of people realise that about Paul but he spends many an evening infront of a mirror trying to come up with bigger and better poses (for the inevitable "solo album" covershot where he covers instrumentals by the holy trinity of rock - Satriani, Ywyngie, and Vai). [aside - we actually worked out a new version of the Bible on the way to Glastonbury but replaced all the major figures and characters with rock stars from the late 60s onwards. I believe Harold Faltermeyer was Judas and although there was a lot of controversy over who was to be Jesus it was finally decided that Eddie Van Halen was (and quite rightly so!). Anyway, if I can get together with Paul at some point I may do a blog on this - it was VERY complicated, things like trying to work out whether Hendrix was New Testement or Old and where nu-metal fit into the whole scheme of things (the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse being Fred Durst and Busted). Plus what about stuff like The Gospel According to Kurt Cobain? Where does that fit in with everything? It's complicated.]

That's Simon, he's the dude who pushed buttons and switches and stuff, he was hellacool. He's also worked with Beyonce, Pendulum, Coldplay, White Stripes etc. Now the lucky bugger can add The Chapman Family to his CV.

Even though it was "studio" we still managed to break some strings. That's how "4 REAL" we are mofos.

You'll be able to hear the end results on Radio One sometime within the next month on Huw Stephens' Introducing show (Radio One wednesdays 9-10 and midnight-2am) but I'm not sure when - this week it'll all be about Lattitude, and the next few weeks will all be about the build up to Leeds/Reading and stuff. BAH! Soon though (hopefully). We did a frankly terrible interview with Huw too, make sure to listen out for that, it's utter rubbish. WE NEED MEDIA TRAINING. Seriously, Jo Whiley isn't going to go near us if all we do is say things in fake german accents and accuse people of being southern jessies even though they're from Newcastle.

Anyway, that'll do for now, make sure to check our live dates, there's shitloads up at the moment (hello Germany!) and we're playing at the Stockton Riverside Festival along with Billy The Kid, British Sea Power, King Creosote, Dirty Weekend etc on Saturday August 2nd @ 5PM. Make sure to come down for that, it's always good.

Yeah, that's about it. Have a nice afternoon.

WE LOVE YOU ALL

5:55 AM - 17 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

99 PROBLEMS BUT A TENT AIN’T ONE
Category: Travel and Places

Quick blog this one as I'm KNACKERED.

I'll update it tomorrow or something...maybe.

Anyway, we had a great time down at Glastonbury with all the free lovers and starchildren and all that - infact we were probably the only aggressive people in the whole site. What's wrong with this picture? :

YOU NICKED HIS TENT YOU BASTARDS. A whole tent?! What sort of sick bastard nicks a whole tent?!? Absolute madness! Plus you had to pick on the one motherfucker who really REALLY hates camping and tents and festivals and shit bands...LOADS of shit bands. Wow, there was a big Q Magazine readership there this year, that's all I'm saying zzzzzzzz.

However, as NME.com correctly says, The Park area is where it's at - luckily this is where we were playing, bada bing. Click on the link for a paragraph of compliments :

NME.com being nice about us!

Radio One's Huw Stephens saying nice things too!

Newcastle Metro review of our performance!

A picture from Huw Stephens' camera phone!

Kingsley's report on the stolen tent in the Evening Gazette!

Huw Stephens Radio One Podcast!

Glastonbury review from...Japan

But why would they say such nice things about us? Aren't we "the worst band I've ever seen...an abomination"???? Surely not! Check out for yourself :

The Chapman Family on the BBC Glastonbury site

The last song we did (not on video unfortunately) was great - smashed guitar, bass solos, 5 minute long rants, falling off the stage, busting my lip. The usual - but hyperusual if you know what I mean, it was great. Plus I almost met Marc Bannerman off I'm A Celebrity backstage as he was going to have a shit in the VIP bogs. Classy eh?

Other fun antics :

They make a stupid noise. Try tuning that. if anyone could this lad could - superstar Owen who guitar tech'd for us and can be seen (in silhoette) in the second BBC video going to help Phil out with his drums. Here's the cool motherfucker :

Look, it's Pop infront of some weird Glasto shit :

I think that was where all the mystical stones were and everyone was "chilling" and all that. Idiots. Speaking of....

Ha ha!! Bless em! From Hartlepool believe it or not.

This (above) is only one tiny corner of the festival. It's HUGE. Think Leeds Festival and times it by a billion and you're about there. Still doesn't stop them ripping you off though!

Imagine my disappointment as I found out that it wasn't the same Andrew Elliot playing at midday as who plays guitar in our good buddies Das Wanderlust :

So yeah, good fun all in all, managed to get home in five hours (some sort of record?? come on Roy Castle sort it out) - if you find any reviews, good or bad we don't care, just send me the link and I'll add them to the thread.

I'm pretty sure we were the only band who called the audience "hippy cunts" and still made it onto Radio One at 3AM on sunday night!!

Cheers me dears.

PEACE AND LOVE, DON'T RUIN THE VIBE

5:27 AM - 25 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

CHAPMAN FAMILY OFFICIALLY HIPPY SHOCKER
Category: Life

Peace and love peace and love peace and love peace and love. Peace. Love.

As you know I am a bit of a twat. I don't mean to be, I just am. I'm not argumentative "in real life" or "in person" whatever that means, infact I'm quite a nice bloke really - if you don't have enough money for your eighth pint of Guiness I would gladly give you the extra wonga to get you sufficiently oiled. Yesterday, and this is true by the way, I gave a Big Issue dude £1.50 and didn't take the magazine when offered. Yes that's how nice I am. The poor sod had two dogs aswell and I even offered to buy him some dog food but apparently he had "loads". Didn't look like it, poor buggers. When my cousin first moved to London he was very generous with the street population - possibly because, being a northerner like me he may well have a few chips on his shoulder but he's also "nice" - we all are up here, (sick of that "oh the people are much friendlier up north aren't they" line yet? You fucking will be soon). Anyway, once he had settled himself into the London way of life he stopped giving tramps any money and continued to walk past them as if they didn't exist - like everyone down there - but one day there was a young lad, probably about 18, in a doorway looking dirty and hungry and tired. My cuz went to the MacDonalds that he was sitting near and bought the lad a couple of hamburgers. A fine gesture I'm sure you'll agree and one that overcomes the "will they just spend my money on Special Brew and drugs" dilemma - go direct to the source, miss out the middle man, just get the poor bugger exactly what he needs - a good nutritious hearty meal... Anyway, it turned out the tramp was vegetarian so he had to throw the burgers in the bin BECAUSE THERE WAS NO FUCKING WAY HE WAS GOING TO LOWER HIMSELF TO EAT THAT SHITE.

Do I have a point here? I can't even remember. Oh yes, I'm nice. I'm dead nice.

We're playing at the annual hippy mud bath that is Glastonbury by the way. You want fucking proof?? I knew you didn't believe me, here it is :

LINK AS PROOF TO BBC GLASTONBURY SITE!

We're on at 315PM on Friday 27th of June on the BBC Introducing Stage (which apparently is near the "Park" area or something? I don't fucking know). Either way we're going to rock our socks off and scare all the "Earth Mothers" to death.

I'm making frankly "shitloads" of free crap so if anyone is going to Glastonbury and would like a FREE T-SHIRT please get in touch and we'll sort it. We really need to get as many people as possible to come and enjoy our banging tunes so any assistance in promotion and publicity would be most useful. Once we're finished you can use the t-shirt to wipe your arse when you run out of bog-roll, it's multi purpose.

Er yeah. Not sure why I did this blog to be honest, sorry it's a bit short. I think the main points of it are :

- Give money to tramps.

- Come to Glastonbury and watch us.

3:32 AM - 8 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

EXPLANATION OF GIG CANCELLATIONS

Hello, just incase you haven't been keeping up with our bulletins from sunday morning I'd best keep you in the loop as to why we've had to pull out of three (and counting) gigs this week.

On saturday night Pop had a serious accident in Middlesbrough Empire so we decided that the best thing to do was to pull out of our forthcoming gigs as we're not much cop as a three-piece, plus we're a team now, and that team is made up of four people, not three.

He's a very lucky boy if truth be told, things could have been (and looked like they were at one point) alot worse, and that he's not more seriously injured is nothing short of miraculous. However, it does prove (as if there was ever any doubt) that he is made of solid rock.

We've had to pull out of the gigs in Sheffield (22nd), Spensleys Middlesbrough (23rd) and Darlington (25th) so far. We're still not sure if we're going to be able to support Glasvegas in Stockton, or play in Leeds, or even Middlesbrough Music Live next week. I know that Pop is trying his very best to get his rock boots back on as soon as humanly possible but sometimes these things take time, please be patient with us.

Thanks again for all the get well soon and good luck messages for Pop, it's much appreciated, bless ya cotton socks.

Be warned that when we do come back we will be more ferocious than ever. Oh happy days.

Kingsley C

11:46 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

SLUTS IN MAY - GIG GUIDE FOR THE NEXT 3 WEEKS
Current mood: amorous
Category: Parties and Nightlife

It's May and the sun has decided to come out. So we've decided to sit in a hot sweaty car for hours on end and go to the following fun packed places :

LONDON
May 14th DANCE MAGIC DANCE
@ THE OLD BLUE LAST with DAS WANDERLUST and OFFICIAL SECRETS ACT

I do believe this is £4 entry which frankly is cheap at half the price as this will be brilliant. Official Secrets Act were one of the ones to watch at Camden Crawl and are surely destined for bigger things. Just like us. Ha! Das Wanderlust are wonk-pop. They think they make nice pop songs with loud guitars thrown in every now and then and daft key changes but frankly they give me the creeps and I'm sure that song Supermarket isn't about "ooh the price of veg these days" and the taking over of big chains from yer local green grocers, oh no, I'm convinced it's about vampirism and the fall of Tsarist Russia and the October Revolution. Arguing the fact that Lenin's doctrine was flawed from the start and that his choice of leaders was frankly laughable. Anyway. There's even a poster : 

YARM
May 15th THE ILLUMINATED DANCEFLOOR
@ CROSS KEYS with THE CHEVROLITES

This is a FREE ENTRY gig and the first time we've ever played in Yarm. Yarm is Stockton's posher, nicer smelling relative where the smack grows on trees and not out of some scappy tramps' disease ridden hands. Jimmy "Jimmy Jukebox" Jukebox from Kubar is spinning the tunes for this. Might be a laugh - even just to watch all the good good people of Yarm watching me and Pop spacker ourselves with our guitars murmuring "I thought they were an indie band...." Can you fucking believe I managed to put an Embrace lyric in this blog? I am a sick, sick man.

SHEFFIELD
May 22nd AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL FUNDRAISER
@ RAYNOR LOUNGE with DAS WANDERLUST and WE ARE ALL DOGS

The night is called "The Secret Policeman's Ball" and (possibly because it's in a Student Union) also features, oh god, "student improv comedy". Oh god. The horror. The horror. It's for fucking charity alright? You think we get to choose this stuff? It'll be good I think. I saw a magician at the weekend at Rory's wedding and he was fucking good even if he did swear a bit too much infront of the kiddies. He put a knife through a jacket and made a gay lad prance up and down the dancefloor dressed as a wizard in underpants. Doors at 830PM, would be nice to see some of our Sheffield friends down for some molten hot post punk noise action. Yeah right. Whatever...

MIDDLESBROUGH
May 23rd ONE STOP ROCK SHOP @ SPENSLEYS
99p entry, cheap drinks, noisy music, opens 10PM

It's on a friday so you'll be out anyway won't you, you pisshead? You fucking dick. Just come on and enjoy yourself, doors at 10, band 1030, then you can fuck off to SUMO and dance to fucking Pendulum at 11. Job done. If you fancy "getting a stiffy" you can go upstairs above Spensleys and get a lapdance from one of the strippers in Secrets. The aforementioned wedding I went to last week...the groom went in there [Secrets, not Spensleys, are you mad?] for his stag do and came out with hand prints emblazoned on his arse and bashes, bumps and bruises all over his body from a belt buckle and/or a leather belt. I think it's called "common assault" in certain cultures but you know, she had her tits out so that's OK...

DARLINGTON
May 25th BANK HOLIDAY SUNDAY SPECIAL
@ SEEN (ex BACCHAUS) with THE FELONS, WE START FIRES, THEM AMAZING BABIES and GOLDENMAN and more...

This is a bank holiday afternoon "do" so hopefully it'll be nice and sunny so you'll all fuck off and sit in the sun and ignore us completely. Yes, we know how "popular" we are in Darlo thank you very much you don't need to remind us by strategically walking into the room and then walking out again as soon as we "fire up"!! The Felons seem to like us though and I like them so there's a guaranteed audience of 4. We've played to less... The sad thing is, when I play FIFA I usually play as Darlo as I quite like the team. Plus our drummer Phil lives in Darlington too...fucking hell! We're a local band!

STOCKTON
May 29th KUBAR with GLASVEGAS

Tickets are £7 for this and available from Sound It Out in Stockton which is just off kebab alley and behind the Job Centre, you know where I mean. I was down kebab alley last night actually and did you realise that the Parmesan House now does A STEAK PARMO? Seriously, if I wasn't a vegetarian I would have been in like Flynn. Damn me and my non-conformist belief that animals shouldn't be murdered in factories for food! Yes I'm a hypocrite as I wear leather shoes and quite like the films of Arnold Schwarzenegger but I just don't like animals getting bolts in their heads or piglets getting their throats slit or chickens kept in cages all in the name of human evolution etc etc. Something tells me evolution stopped a while ago but that's a different story. Plus if it still is going on I think we're probably going in reverse ie. we reached our zenith in 1984 or something (just like Daley Thompson, Luton Town Football Club, Bananarama and Carl Lewis) and we've been gradually going backwards towards the good ol' ape creature we all know and love. If you want proof come and hang about outside my house on a friday night and witness the shitness. Don't forget your Lambrini and your flick knife though. Oh yeah, band blog, sorry!... This should be a great gig, Glasvegas are an ace band and even though we're going to terrorise you with our "goth-ass-alt-rock" it will still be good. I like playing in Kubar, apart from that silly "cut out" painting thing by the stage, that's the only thing I don't like, I would paint over that. Oh and there's a severe lack of plugs on one side of the stage too and as you may or may not know (or care) I'm a complete fanny when it comes to stage set up and require absolute symmetry (if possible) especially in the case of plug sockets. All the bar staff are sexy as though - there's a reason to go right there. Sexy as.

LEEDS
May 30th THINKING CAP
@ JOSEPHS WELL

Organised by lovely Kirsty and her pals. More details as and when. We broke someone's bass amp last time we played here. We won't do it again as we bring our own bass amp these days. Sooooorrrrryyyy.

MIDDLESBROUGH
Sunday June 1st MIDDLESBROUGH MUSIC LIVE - HOMEGROWN STAGE - 830PM

Supporting Ash! Well sort of. I'm not sure you could get a stage further from where Ash are playing but never mind. Oh Yeah. I think the stage we're on is outside Doc Browns so it'll be loads of local bands watching other local bands muttering "they don't deserve to be playing this year, just look at them, they're fucking shite, THEY CAN'T EVEN PLAY THEIR INSTRUMENTS, and their haircuts?? Fucking hell, what fucking chebs. They only got on the bill because they know so and so, not because they're any good or anything. The fucking dicks. Look at me, I'm class, I know all the solos to all the Jimi Hendrix songs E V E R, even the ones he hadn't written yet, even the ones he wrote with his cock, and I've got fucking shit hot hair. Not like that twat on stage...is that supposed to be a fringe? Kin dicksplat. Look, look at my mane, feel my mane, feel it's twine, see how it catches the wind and darts through the air like a Boeing 707 in full flight...what the fuck is he doing now? What a tit, he's destroying a perfectly good guitar! Fair enough it only has four strings and he's took the frets out of it for "space noises" but that's fucking madness. Fuck that, go back to feeling my hair, it feels so nice, you have the touch of one of them page three tarts covered in cream. Tell me of your love for World of Warcraft one more time.... mmmmmm I love you....I love you, talk to me about scales, pointy guitars and alternative guitar tuning methods....mmmm gobble gobble....i love you....gobble gobble."

Music Live band info can be found at www.middlesbroughmusiclive.co.uk

There is good stuff on too. Not just us. Ahem.

WE LOVE YOU ALL

THE CHAPMAN FAMILY

3:41 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

LONDON, SUNDERLAND, AND PAUL MCCARTNEY
Category: Music

London eh?

To cut a long story short as I need to take the dog for a walk I'll miss out some words, mostly nouns and verbs : Islington Academy, start to soundcheck, fire alarm, everyone naturally ignores it, continue soundcheck, man walks in, flourescent jacket, "get out of the building", everyone continues to stand around doing fuck all (as usual at soundchecks), decide to only leave the building if the nice man says "please", "get out of the fucking building", leave building, all staff evacuated, moved further back from the building, (not forgetting can of lager), found a suspect package apparently, hope it's not Pop's pedal box as that has many wires and strange contraptions within and it would be a shame to blow up all his distortion pedals, moved even further back from the building, go to pub, controlled explosion, after what seems like forever we're let back in the building, continue soundcheck, arrogant arsehole of a soundman is being arrogant and an arsehole and I can't work out why I didn't notice these character traits before, common courtesy apparently doesn't apply if you're a London soundman with an Eastern European accent with a shit pony tail and lame combat trousers, "don't turn it up onstage", "too much feedback", yeah right, too MUCH feedback? idiot, doors "open", DJ plays a song by Drugstore that I haven't heard in years, this is good, we go onstage and play to an audience of pretty much the other band (one of them anyway, not the headliners naturally - they'll have been doing something much more important and interesting - nice comment from them after we come off covered in sweat clutching various bits of "instrument" - "oh have you been on yet?" errrr yeah), the barstaff and a couple of my friends from "the Smoke", manage to break pretty much everything during course of the set - amp, guitar lead, pedal, my trusty indestructible Squire Strat (which I find out to my horror is actually destructible) and make a valiant attempt to break the bass drum, oh I am cheeky, we watch the next band who are pretty good in a post-punk "London" kinda way, Gibson Explorer, female bass player, one of the Manics from his younger days singing, suit, skinny tie, looked good actually, nice songs, bit miserable but that's OK in my book, load up and travel up the A1 as part of the M1 was shut due to a bridge demolition, A1 naturally partially closed for NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL, diversion through FUCKING HATFIELD which seems to take forever, the A1 is the most boring of all the roads in the UK - every sign seems to say "Peterboro 57" and it's full to the brim with non-24 hour Little Chefs (wondering where all the Little Chefs went from yesteryear??? THE FUCKING A1, that's where. I think they're breeding them there to create a whole army of Little Chefs ready to go to war on Roadchef and Moto selling their shitty overpriced waffles to ignorant middle class wankers who actually enjoy going down the A1 as "it's a challenge", fucking masochistic weirdos), anyway, it takes a million years to get home (approximately) - we listened to Nine Inch Nails' Downward Spiral and Motley Crue's Greatest Hits (apart from a song called "Glitter", Paul hates that song. I think "Home Sweet Home" is his favourite as it's all about being on the road "and shit"). Oh yes. It was a long journey. The end.

Blame a certain "popular national radio station" for the next few paragraphs. In between listening to the Boro get beat off Sunderland (seriously, will someone tell them that the season finishes after they've played all their matches and not before) we had to hear the whole of the daytime playlist, (you know, all five songs of it, boom boom). Here goes then...

I know, loyal friends, you will have noticed (and sorry for stating the bleedin' obvious here) but that new Scouting for Girls song....? Piece of shit? Right? Is it just me? Am I alone in this? They seem like nice boys and everything. It's nothing personal. Very clean. I saw the video for it this morning too - quite funny and kooky. Keeps his head cocked over a bit for my liking but what do I know? I'm not Steven fucking Spielberg. Errrrr....When did "indy musik" or any form of "rock and/or roll" for that matter become so utterly fucking lame? I'm completely sick to fucking death of songs about how everything's so fucking great and hey aren't chicks really good and ooh i'd love to hold her hand, oh i'm a sensitive indie type I like cardigans, fair trade vegetables, walks in fields full of dandilions and sharing spaggetti like those two dogs in the Lady and the Tramp, oooh imagine if we kissed, that'd be just beezer, oh I'd love it if a girl actually looked at me, perhaps she will if I play this lovely song with lovely well sung lyrics over my lovely piano backing track, tell me, which stage school did you go to? Sylvia Young you say? I went to the Sylvia Plath School of Fucking Misery myself. Unfuckingbelievable.

Where is the passion in today's music? Where's the filth? Where's the dirt? Where is, for want of a better word, the "fucking"? "Indie" shouldn't mean "wet" and "soppy". If i think of "popular indie songs" at the moment I think of vacuous, drippy arseholes wearing faux Dickensian attire, middle class fuckjobs who are more concerned with "shifting units in the territories" than, you know, writing any music that has any primal passion or energy or - irony alert - any feeling. The Feeling and The Keanes are not edgy and charismatic so stop thinking that just because one had a drug problem that all of a sudden he's Keith Richards. Why is everyone so content with driving straight down the middle of the road? Live a little and have fun! Get a guitar, turn it up, twang it, now smash it up. "But I don't know how to play, I haven't had any lessons", no no no you're not quite getting it, just hold it there, plug the distortion in, turn it on so you see a little red light, just play the feedback, isn't that fun? "it's making my ears bleed make it stop! Make it stop!" Ever since people decided to form bands as "a career move" and not because it's the one thing in life they have a burning desire to do, the popular music "scene" has been a waste of time and audio waves. Perhaps it always has been, I don't know, but it seems even worse now. On the same subject I'm sick of people patting themselves on the back and thinking they're so fucking good for inventing things like the Brit School. Why should you go to a school to learn how to become alternative yet popular? You can't teach "cool" can you? Can you?? Thank you Fab Macca, I'll just add it to the list of your crimes : The Frog Chorus, Wings, Let It Be, Ebony and Ivory, your thumbs aloft salute, being "Fab", that whole Heather episode...

Ooops, went a little off track there.

I have a point but I know I can't elaborate on it enough to make any sense. I'll just end up swearing too much and the point will be lost in an ocean of profanity. Waves of "fucks" and squalls of "piss" flooding islands of sound and common sense in relation to the state of the popular music industry today. Plus I'm probably still a bit pissed off about the Sunderland score too which doesn't help.

Upcoming gigs that might (or might not) be of interest :

BANK HOLIDAY MONDAY 5th May @ Bernaccia, Newcastle

14th May @ Old Blue Last, London with Official Secrets Act and Das Wanderlust

15th May @ The Cross Keys in Yarm

WE LOVE YOU ALL

7:26 AM - 13 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

I RANT THEREFORE I AM 07.04.08

Seriously, I never thought I’d get into this "blogging" lark. It’s all a bit too journalistic for my liking and as I’ve never been one for diaries it all seemed a bit forced. Plus, the thing I DESPISE about things like MySpace is that people all of a sudden feel that they’re entitled to know every aspect of your life without your permission. Ofcourse, you have to put your head on the chopping block first but why should Billy Bollock of Wyoming get to know about my relationships and my personal goings on. Actually, why should he care? Should I be concerned that he cares?

Where am I going with this? The reason why I like blogging at the moment is that I’m not (on the face of it) actually blogging about the band or myself, I’m just trying to...well I’m not really sure what i’m trying to do. Perhaps I’m trying to develop a writing style (that involves long sentaces and lots and lots of swearing), or perhaps I’m trying to present an image of the band that I’m in which you might not have thought about up until reading this. Or perhaps I’m just trying to provoke you or trying to make you laugh.

Careful, I’m a very sensitive person. We’re a very sensitive band.

So I’m sat here at my parents house waiting for the god damn rain to stop so I can take my psychotic dog for a walk. I’ve been waiting for hours.

We have "weather" in the north of England. As stereotypically northern as my dad once working on a shipyard and owning a chippy, we have stereotypically northern weather.

First there was the fucking wind.

Then the fucking snow.

Now the fucking rain that NEVER FUCKING STOPS.

Is the sun on it’s summer holiday? Because we’re sure as shit not getting any.

It’s very grim up north today.

I know our gig on Saturday is called "The End of the World" but when I planned it I DIDN’T FUCKING MEAN IT, (although if the world does actually end on saturday think of the publicity I’ll get!!!)

I enjoyed my television yesterday, in between getting drunk with Kev and playing quiz machines in various establishments around the Fairfield/Stockton area :

But, and here’s the rub, what I want to know is why did the protesters target that famous British sportswoman Connie Huq yesterday when she was carrying the Olympic Flame? I know she was shite in Fame Academy but to leap at her through a load of beefy coppers seems a bit extreme. I’m sure I heard someone shout "stay away from fucking karaoke machines you talentless fucking tart" but they also may have been shouting "free Tibet", we’ll never know.

AND on the subject of fucking protesters.... Actually, firstly let me get something straight before you think I’m a total twat (if you don’t already). The Free Tibet cause is great and anything to improve human rights "etc" in China would obviously be hugely beneficial to all concerned. My own personal view is that we should show some balls and just pull out of the Olympics all together - all European nations, all "western" nations, all African ones, Russia too - just pull out, that’d really fuck them off. All of this protesting doesn’t get seen by the people it should be seen by - the Chinese people, those poor fucks have state television to contend with, as far as they’re concerned everyone is having a great ol’ time watching the flame tour round the worlds greatest cities. The only people who do actually watch the protesting on the TV are the people (like me) who are too lazy to go down all the way to London just to throw things at Dame Ellen MacArthur and Sir Steven fucking Redgrave. So just pull out of the games - perhaps then the Chinese people will think "hang on, isn’t there supposed to be other countries competing in this Olympic thing?" BUT don’t pull out under the "free Tibet and improve your human rights" banner though, just pull out under "THE OLYMPICS IS A LOAD OF FUCKING SHIT AND NO ONE LIKES IT ANYWAY" banner. "IT RUINS TV FOR 2 - 3 WEEKS EVERY FOUR YEARS. PLEASE MAKE IT FUCK OFF. LET’S BE HONEST, IT’S NO WORLD CUP IS IT?" They can have the 2012 Olympics too if they want it. Fuck it, have it in Beijing every year just to ensure it never darkens my television screen again. Yeeeaa Communism! Yeaaaa media blackout!! Hopefully they’ll blackout all the boring sports we seem to do well at - archery, cycling and rowing. Actually just black the whole lot out, no one will mind. 

ANYWAY.... on the subject of protesters - why do they all look like the same people who were protesting against Heathrow Airport (they needn’t have bothered in relation to that as there doesn’t seem to be any planes taking off from there anyway...oh bita-politics bita-politics) and the same people that were protesting about Mugabe and the same people who were protesting about Global Warming, sorry "climate chage," and the same people who are throwing bins through MacDonalds’ windows every fucking year AND the same people who were protesting about YET ANOTHER FUCKING ROAD going through A FUCKING FOREST? Why is that? And what is it with that middle class weekend warrior fucking goody goody why can’t we all just live in peace uniform (backpack filled with sandwiches from Waitrose check, bandana check, comfortable fitting combat trousers check, Tibetan flag check, white guy with dreadlocks check, CND flag just in case some fucking yank trys to land his B52 when we’ve got our backs turned)?

Fair play to the protesters though - I nearly pissed my pants when they tried to put the Olympic Flame out with a fire extinguisher. Fucking hilarious.

Seems like the French have had a go at the flame aswell today!! Brilliant.

I’ve lost my train of thought, sorry. Come see us on saturday, we’ll be class. ( www.myspace.com/endoftheworldfestival , amazing line up). Errrrr. Free Tibet an’ that too. Not sure who Tibet is mind you but free him anyway. Is it anything to do with Norman Tebbit? Free Tebbitt? (Yes I KNOW. I know!! Seriously!! I’m just trying to make a witty ironic point that some protesters as as ill-informed as the Chinese Governments policy on human rights. Plus I thought Free Tebbitt was quite funny. He was a Tory you know).

But what has this got to do with the band I am in? Bloody hell, read the other blogs for further information and hints. Head. Brick wall. Banging...

Right the rain has stopped ever so slightly, it’s dog walkin’ time.

8:59 AM - 14 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment