anus farm

My wife is pregnate right now
Body: Isn't i weird that she is growing a little anus in her, and that her mother grew her anus in her and that her grandmother grew her mothers anus. That's not something you compliment them on at the dinner table is it?
You can trace anus's in stomaches all the way to the 60's, it's true, maybe even further. Like charles manson's mother grew his weird anus.


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9:59 AM - 0 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

groosed beef

grossed beef.
Body: Like there's a guy in a restaurant going " excuse me how is your grossed beef". Then the waiter says "oh its pretty disgusting I assure you. Then the guy says. How exactly is it grossed you don't just rub it on a toilet seat or step on it do you?

The waiter could be all " we have three 14 year old boys in the kitchen grossing beef around the clock" Then another guy would say " you know you can get those gross beef on the go packets where you just squish the beef around in a zip-lock with buggers and flies on the way too work. Then he'd say well at trader joes they have all natural free range grossed beef where the actually feed the cows nothing but used condoms and ear wax.


Sorry everybody.

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9:55 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

fish

I think if tuna fish saw
Body: The cans of tuna in the market that said " dolphin free tuna" they would sarcastically say "wow thanks a lot" .


My friend told me last night that all the bees on the planet are dying and that once they go we'll die too because we need them to pollinate agriculture ( thank god for spell check).
Maybe this is it and we are all going to die soon and you tube and halo 3 are as complex as we are going to get. That scares me.



Shmedly.

9:54 AM - 0 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

toilet stuff.

I said "mom is it "possible you could poop out your mouth".


She said in a very calm voice "well I suppose if something was blocking your intestinal track as a last resort maybe your body would try and reject it orally". Then I said goodnight mom and she said goodnight sweetheart.

Then this one time I said to this very serious violin player named Sid. " hey Sid how do we know poop doesn't taste great I mean we've never tried it" and he said " well it sure doesn't smell too good". For some reason I get a kick out of people seriously discussing something so ridiculous.




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11:15 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

mac and cheese

When ever I make macaroni and cheese
Body: I like to imagine that I bring a bunch of it to those starving rugby player from that movie alive. They would be all "wow shmedly this is amazing really great you are a superb cook". I'd be all " oh stop it".

Then they'd say "no seriously you are the best". Then there chef who was slaving over hot coals all day preparing barbecued forearms in brain sauce would be all jealous and bitter about it.

Then for desert I would bust out with twinkles and Gatorade and then they would all just go crazy about what a great meal that was. Then later they would say " hey shmed did you make that call about us being rescued". At that point I would become angry and passive aggressive and say. " Is that all you guys care about, being rescued. Do you know how long It took me to make this meal. Then I would storm off in a huff.

Thats how I pass the time when the waters boiling.

Shmedly.

1:25 PM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

planet

I would really like
Body: To go to a planet that is super advanced in every way except music hasn't been invented there yet.

I could start out just packing clubs by playing the ukulele then I would move on to huge stadiums where I might just bust out with a maraca and shake it a little bit. I could also sell billions of albums with sloppy versions of other peoples songs like "everybreath you take" and" hey jude".

Also there version of rolling stone would all just be pictures and articles about me, lounging around in my pajamas playing accordion. If someone upset me I could release a double album about how much they hurt my feelings and then everyone would be mad at them. The grammy's would be a fun night too. Yeah I think that would be alot of fun.



Shmedly.

9:16 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

If i had a parasitic twin

   I would teach him to play simple synth lines. Like he could play a moog while I'm doing a guitar solo nothing fancy it's just that if my system is keeping him aflota he should contribute.

11:42 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

they say

We are always on the lookout for radio waves from aliens. I would just love it we picked up some of there t.v..

In fact I can't think of anything I'd rather watch than alien t.v.. Like imagine something that looks like a mix of a potato-bug and a pine cone in a cheaply dressed sitcom like the honeymooners. And the news forget about it, every glimpse of a pet or a city or something that was made by them like a vehicle or a house would cause people to cheer.

I would rather have the alien t.v. than world piece. It would be funnier and it would last longer.

The worst shows would be watch-able like alien blind date or alien Jerry springer. Give us the alien t.v. damnit we deserve it. We can handle it come on please!!!!!!!!



Shmedly.

8:25 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

you know what saying bothers me now

Woman and children first. It didn't bother too much as a kid but now it gives me anxiety to imagine that I have to trample over a bunch of kids and girls just to survive, plus everyone will think I'm a jerk which is still better than being dead, the whole thing seems pretty sexist to me to be honest. In the light of the feminist movement they need to change it to children first. Or as I would prefer a good old fashioned popularity contest largely based on who can play the most beatles songs by ear.
Another thing is all the waiting involved with the airplane security. I mean sure it saves lives but if you add up all the minutes it steals from everyones life each time you fly that's more life than all the minutes left of the peoples lives that may go down in one plane. They should just have people board the plane nude with a quick cavity search and get on with it.
Plus when I'm on a plane I see all this room at the top of the plane next to the ceiling they aren't using. What they need to do is make all that space little cots to sleep in and then just line the floor with shag carpeting and bean bag pillows that way everyone could lie down. They could do a quick quiz to check on who can play the most beatles songs and take off.

Shmedly.

8:24 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

space travel.

That if there are aliens they are too far away for anyone to survive the trip. The idea of millions of light years is a bummer because it just seems impossible. I was thinking you could make a space ship with a couple in it and they could have kids and those kids could have have kids and so on but then after a long time the aliens would see some really deformed socially ackward people that I wouldn't want representing me even if they did hand them a copy of abby road.
Then I thought you could just have a couple people at a time with a huge spermcycle frozen in the back or I like to call (blow pop). They could use that sperm to keep from getting inbred and they could keep busy with t.v. myspace and drugs just like most teenagers for millions of years.
Then I thought why not just send a some sperm and eggs out there and let the aliens make the space omlete. I want the aliens to think we are cool though so maybe we should send a bruce willis clone.
This is what we should do, send four clones of the beatles that all die when they turn 40 at which time they are replaced by 4 more beatle clones. The space ship with or with out compassion ( which ever works better) force them to top the beatles before them then after millions years we would have millions of new beatles albums.
We could even simulate different challenges for them to go through to write better like the " desert island beatles" or the " the paralized beatles ".
Either way it would be more fun for the aliens.

shmedly.

10:20 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment