"Is There Anybody Out There"

Hi.

Currently listening : The Wall (Deluxe Packaging Digitally Remastered) By Pink Floyd Release date: 25 April, 2000

7:59 PM - 32 Comments - 54 Kudos - Add Comment

Why the Witch can’t have kids.

The witch can't have kids because Dracula has a hollow weenie! A) Does the Witch want to give birth to a child? B) IS Dracula her significant other? C) Is it true that a hollow penis cannot provide seamen? This joke is at best, ill conceived. I remember once wearing a nylon stocking over my head and walking into a bar with a fake .45 handgun. Those were the good old days. Before that it seems I spent many a Halloween dressed as post Beatles John Lennon. I had round-mirrored shades and a furry hat. That was all I needed. Well, that and my Army jacket. I looked like a little chubby New York John Lennon. When I was really little, my brother would paint my face like Gene Simmons of KISS. Man, who knew what a major league douchebag that guy would end up being. KEEP THE MASKS ON, CLOWNS! When I was even smaller, my brothers would burn the end of a cork and paint a fake beard on me. With the addition of some ripped up clothes and a makeshift bindle, I became, "Lil Hobo". Now they call them Homeless people. At the time we called them "Hobos" or "Bums". There was this spooky place near the train tracks and everyone called it "Hobo's cave". Supposedly bad shit went down there. Like kids being killed and or animals being sacrificed. It looked pretty damn creepy down there, but all we ever discovered were empty bottles of mad dog and old fuck mattresses. I guess the neighborhood "teens" (or at least some of them) were discovering their newly flowering sexuality, far from the noise and hubbub of the city streets... back there in the serenity of burned out factories and rusty train tracks. Did I paint a nice picture? Perhaps some of you lost your virginity or maybe even conceived a child near "Hobo's Cave", or your hometown's version of "Hobo's Cave." Maybe, just maybe if you go there on Halloween night you can see Dracula slipping the Witch the old hollow beef-injection, with a group of salty homeless men looking on. I can see them now; laughing and masturbating by the light of a little fire made in an old coffee can, sharing a fine bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 with one another. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

6:35 PM - 12 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Montel is BabyAids!
Current mood: hopeful

Friends and Jerkoffs alike,
Hi. It's been a while. I hope none of you were worried about me. I know I know...i should have called. I've been watching Maury and Montel today. I think these dudes have secured a special place in hell, next to say...Hitler and John Wayne Gacy. Now when i say HELL, I mean some sort of cosmic afterlife situation like being reincarnated as Michael Jackson's penis. I'm a little mad that I haven't been asked to host the "price is right". I wonder if it's because I'm against animals using any type of birth control. My views on animal procreation are very similiar to the Holy Father's in Rome. Animals must only fuck to make baby animals that we can stuff in zoo's and feature on Martha Stewert's LIving. Paris Hilton is my baby. why won't all you people just leave her alone. I wonder if she's learned to make prison grilled cheese yet. (made by grilling with an Iron over a paper bag). I want to tell everyone to go see the movie, "Once". it's the best musical I've ever seen , but it's so much better than a musical. After you see it, tell everyone you know to tell everyone they know. It's the best movie I've seen in a few years. (Lucky You and School for Scoundrels not included).
People keep telling me they miss me. That's nice. I miss you too. But never fear, soon you can see me on the upcoming reality show, "Celebrity Skin Grafts". The show that features homeless people burned in fires , who subsequently receive skin grafts from famous celebs. The first episode features a homless man from Ceritos California that recieves some skin from the estate of the late Dabney Coleman. Wow I'm on some Robin Williams-esque type stream of concussioness rant. I'll stop soon but also want to tell you about my favorite summer album this year. Wilco's "Sky Blue Sky". Go buy it you thieving bastarads. I'm enjoying this summer on a rubber tire swing, countrytime lemonade style.
much lov yo's,
H

Currently listening : Sky Blue Sky By Wilco Release date: 15 May, 2007

8:23 AM - 19 Comments - 35 Kudos - Add Comment

State Of Me.

America HELLO,
I'm in LA. Many of you have spotted me at certain wonderful Mexican eating establishments as well as thrift stores and coffee shops. I have spent many nights singing kareoke at this place on the other side of the mountain. I go to Improv theaters that have my picture on the walls. I drive my car and have been listening to Arcade Fire. I know everyone has been listening to this album, but it's pretty fucking good. I have been working on a show and don't really want to talk too much about it cuz I don't want to jinx it. I have been hiking and I like it. Everyone says hello on the trails. I saw the first 40 minutes of Zodiac and thought it was amazing. Friends have told me it sucks after that 40 minutes. I heard John Stewert mentioned me in one of his jokes. I guess that's cool. Is LOST still lost? Is 24 still bogus? Is that hot trash from Long Island still in the running at American Idol? You know, the one that took pictures of herself shitting. I listen to these assholes on 97.1 (not Adam Carolla. That show is on too early.) Does that make me kind of an asshole by association? I need to listen to more NPR, but the Iraq shit bums me out, man. ("The Dude" voice) I hope everyone is feeling decent. I know the last few months have been crappola, but ..."Here comes the sun...doo dee doo dee..."
Los Angeles, CA. 1:53 am.
Peace,
H

Currently listening : Neon Bible By Arcade Fire Release date: 06 March, 2007

1:11 AM - 22 Comments - 47 Kudos - Add Comment

State Of The Union
Current mood: loved

Hey Everyone,
Fuck, this sucks. Bush is pre-empting my daily dose of "The Price is Right." What a bum deal that is. I mean, do we really need to hear this dude anymore? Honestly. These guys are so fucking inept. We are going to get a new President and he will get the troops out and there will be a civil war. Iraq will be 10 times more terrible then when Saddam was in power, but at least we won't be there to see our handy work. I was sad when Saddam died. For one, I had a fondness for him cuz I would do him on SNL. I know he was a horribly brutal man. But he was so crazy , it was impressive. Secondly, I wonder how many people wished we could just hand him back the country. Like, " Sorry dude, we fucked up, here take it back. This place sucks." Instead day after day, regular folks that wanted student loans or car loans , or just needed a break , are wasting the best years of their lives ducking car bombs. It's so fucking depressing. But at least we have Ana Nicole to distract us. I don't like being too political, but fuck , I missed "The Price is Right" cuz of these jagoffs! Well I'm climbing off my soapbox now. I am doing good. Relaxing in New York. Gonna try to go to LA in a few weeks. Do some fun and rewarding things and stay off the ol' Angel Dust i'm so fond of. Thanks for all the well wishes and compliments from my nice myspace friends. Happy Valentine's Day All !!!

Currently listening : Love Letters By Liberace Release date: 01 January, 1995

8:37 AM - 19 Comments - 48 Kudos - Add Comment

Wishes for the New Year.
Category: Life

Friends, Family, Fans, and Fuckwads,

Hello. And Welcome to 2007!

Here are some wishes I have for the New Year.
(Please play "Looks like we made it" by Barry Manillow while you read)

1) Cubs. Do it this year so we can say, "It wasn't a 100 years, don't exaggerate."
2) Jennifer Love Hewitt. Enough already ... make a sex tape and let me see it.
3) How do they get Jesus in the crust of Pizza Hut Pizza?
4) I wan't "The world's deadliest catch" to come back.
5) U2...just let the world die, guys.
6) I want the Beatles to reunite without Ringo.
7) I wish King Kong were real. Then again he'd be in a Walmart parking lot. So nevermind.
8) Can someone make a Fuck Paris Hilton game for the Wii.
9) I want MTV to change their name to RBTV. Retard Baby Television.
10) Go away, WAR.

Currently listening : Barry Manillow Greatest Hits By Barry Manilow

4:09 AM - 23 Comments - 41 Kudos - Add Comment

I've got nothing to say ... but it's okay.
Current mood: content

Hello Twospacers,
I hope you all got something nice under your tree. I spent the Holiday at my Brother's in-laws house. It was very nice although they have many fury pets and I suffer from allergies. It's funny. My brother's mother in-law thinks that I'm gonna sit on the couch til' my throat closes up. I assure her that I'll get up and get some air before it gets to that point. Oh before I forget...my Christmas Special was a smashing success and this one genius wrote this review:

http://www.jesterjournal.com/HoratioSanzXmas.htm

We taped it so hopefully we'll have some junk up so you can check out the glory.

Anyway I ate way too much and have two plates of cookies on my desk here at the hotel. I'll be back in New York for New Years. Just in case you wanted to know. Hope everyone had a nice Christmas!!! Will write more before New Years.

Listen to this...

Currently listening : The Royal Tenenbaums By Various Artists Release date: 18 December, 2001

10:22 PM - 9 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Ho Ho Horatio Sanz Christmas Special !!!

THIS FROM TIME OUT NEW YORK


Fa la la ha ha
Horatio Sanz mocks the holiday specials of yore.
By Ben Kharakh

This year, Saturday Night Live alum Horatio Sanz gives the gift of laughter in the Ho Ho Horatio Sanz Christmas Special at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre on Wednesday 20 and Thursday 21.


WHAT INSPIRED YOUR SPECIAL?


I'm a big fan of The Andy Williams Christmas Special, although my show is nothing like that: It might be a little tinged with dark humor. We're not making fun of the holidays; we're just hitting a few aspects from a different point of view.


WHAT SHOULD PEOPLE EXPECT?

I'll be hosting and singing. We'll have scenes with puppets, and David Bazan from Pedro the Lion will play Christmas songs. And there might be a scene about John Wayne Gacy and G.G. Allin's last Christmas.


YOU'RE A FAN OF JOHN WAYNE GACY?

[Laughs] No. But I do find it pretty interesting that those two guys were real-life friends. The idea of doing a Christmas scene with those two characters just seems wildly absurd. Making something funny that would otherwise be strange is interesting. But it will be very sweet, hopefully..and, you know, sprinkled with horribleness.


DOES "SWEET WITH HORRIBLENESS" SUM UP THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT CHRISTMAS TOO?

No, I like Christmas. I find January and the lack of sun horrific, but up to Christmas, I'm good. I'm writing the show with Brett Gelman, and he certainly has a dark sense of humor but the show will have a good outlook.


THIS SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THE FEW CHRISTMAS SPECIALS IN NYC THAT WILL BE EARNEST

Yeah. There's actually going to be some really nice carols. No Jesus in it, but, you know, Santa and elves.


IT'S NOT EVEN ECUMENICAL?

No, it's Andy Williams hit in the head with a baseball bat.


SO YOU LIKE CHRISTMAS. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DECORATIONS?

I see it as more traditional than religious. There are always crazy people who decorate their houses to the extreme. If it keeps them out of the mental hospital, I'm all for it.


IN WHAT OTHER PROJECTS ARE YOU CURRENTLY INVOLVED?

I've been offered a show that's been written and sold to Fox that's pending approval. If that doesn't happen, I'll be directing a series of sci-fi shorts for an Internet channel.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS?

A cell phone that doesn't humiliate me.


THE HO HO HORATIO SANZ CHRISTMAS SPECIAL TAKES PLACE Wed 20 and Thurs 21 @ UCB THEATER NY.

Currently listening : Andy Williams Songs for Christmas By Andy Williams Release date: 30 September, 2004

10:46 PM - 17 Comments - 27 Kudos - Add Comment

A Moment Of Clarity.

Hi Wuuuuuz Up! (trying to bring that back) (did it go away)?
I was happy to notice that it's under 60 degrees today, for fucks sake. It's about time the earth quit acting like a dick and made it cold here. Yesterday I got caught in the rain, not unlike Rupert Holmes (30 year old reference). It was pretty crazy. It was summer being kicked in the balls. It was hopefully winter staying around for a while. I didn't have an umbrella but it was the kind of rain that made umbrellas kites. I was so soaked that I was afraid that my phone would get wet and fucked up under my jacket. I could have jumped into a restaurant but I was too wet to sit in my own wetness. It was like I walked into my shower with all my clothes on for ten minutes. I looked like a wet cat (with a beard and long hair) and after a while I was happy to be in New York getting wet and not really giving a fuck or two. Like when you were a little psycho kid and didn't give a shit. I always loved swimming in the rain. My friends mother would always tell us to come in. I guess your odds of getting hit by lightning significantly increase if A) you're golfing, or B) swimming in the rain. Maybe that's all bullshit. I don't know. Once when I was younger I drove to a club to see Booker T and the MG's. I couldn't find anyone to go with me. No one wanted to go. So I went by myself, which is something I never do. I got dressed up in all my best...cavareeci's, zodiac shows, gold ring...the whole 9. I had such a great time. The band was incredible and the people there were so fun and nice. I've been to a bunch of shows, but I think that was the best time I ever had watching live music. I got pretty drunk and afterward drove to the lake. (no one should drink and drive, but most of us have) I drove to this spot somewhere between the North side of Chicago and Evanston. I walked down to the beach and just stood there, staring out into the dark lake. It was pretty cold. But the water wasn't frozen. I was smoking a cigarette and it was one of those moments when you think about the meaning of life and most importantly the meaning of your personal floundering. And at that precise moment I decided to not be afraid. So I walked in the lake fully dressed. I walked back to my car, took off some of the clothes and drove home. I'm going back to Chicago for Christmas. I might just have to take a trip back to that beach.

Currently listening : Alright, Still By Lily Allen Release date: 20 July, 2006

3:23 PM - 18 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

Gobble Gobble Weebles Wobble!
Current mood: calm
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Hi Everybody,
I'd like to wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope you all have friends that will allow you to eat at their homes. I'm spending Thanksgiving with my dear friends Kevin Federline and Michael Richards. We're going to Mel Gibson's house in Malibu. I'm bringing Ice cream and Oreos. It's kind of "my thing." Hardy hardy I kid I kid. Actually I'm having an "orphans" Thanksgiving. Where I take in a few friends and we watch football and light a fire. Don't worry, I have a fireplace. I'm not just gonna just set my apartment on fire, silly! Damn I forgot to get a smoking jacket. I wanted to greet everyone in a velvet smoking jacket. I'd get a little Sinatra going on the IPOD. Then SHE would arrive ... perfectly late. Later and quite suddenly she will take my hand, and I'll share a passionate slow dance with Kate Winslet.
(NEEDLE SCRATCH)*****************************
"Wake up Horatio, Wake up! ... You're dreaming!" I wake up and remove my sleep mask. "Kate. Kate my dear. I had the funniest little dream about us!"

Happy Thanksgiving Yall!

Currently watching : Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Release date: 26 April, 2005

11:36 PM - 21 Comments - 36 Kudos - Add Comment