How Amazing is this?? I survived....
Current mood: confident

Those who know me understand what i miracle it is when I say I survived this long...

I'm gonna be 18 in 1 n 1/2 hours.
I get to be criminally liable in all 52 states (including Puerto Rico and Iraq...)

Yay...
Blowup dolls and nicotine taxes, here I come.

Any suggestions?

8:44 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

i’ve never felt so fucked up...
Current mood: discontent

in the bible it describes that true hell is the absence of god... and if you were to go to that hell for just a fraction of a second, it would dive the strongest minds into breaking and you'd be insane for the rest of your life... i think i just found mine...

it started at kyle's house... only it wasn't like normal... far from it actually... everything was falling apart.. charred. there were vines and over growth everywhere when i looked out the front door... with everyone i've lost over the years, with sonja and sarah and my sister and everyone i hold dear to me... but there was this feeling... like all the hope had been drained from the world...

i left to do something... that was the relevant part of the whole thing... but i can't fucking remember...

walking back, the feeling everything began with got stronger... more malicious and angry and hopeless...

i cut through mom's house on the way back and it was in the same shape as kyle's... rusted stove.. holes in the floor... paint peeling off the walls and everything was charred... just the same...

when i walked through the back yard to jump the fence, the sky was darker than i've ever seen any storm cloud get... almost black, but i could see the sun through the clouds.. barely. my apartment was desecrated and falling to pieces...

then i realized i was running... and it seemed like hours before i made the 300 foot treck back to kyle's... like this feeling or force was chasing me... or driving me there...

something was wrong... and i felt it in my whole body... i felt so hopeless and lost and angry and saddened that it burned throughout my whole body.. i've never felt something so strong and terrifying....

when i got back, everyone was gone and i knew they were gone forever somehow... and i felt the screams building up inside... along with the feeling it was enough to drive me mad... i felt like my head was exploding and my body was on fire and i kept thinking *oh dear God, i've lost them all again... where's sonja? i lost her. i lost her i lost her ilostherilostherilosther...* there was a wind the entire time...

then everything went silent...

and then it just stopped...

but it sounded like a tornado in my head... like a train when you're sitting at a railroad intersection, but a million times louder... and then i realized i was screaming...

and then i woke up....

i've never felt so horrified of the emotions i hold inside my entire life..

9:21 PM - 10 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

so.. the funeral’s today...

i spent all night crying and beer is the only thing other than my girl's voice that makes me feel better...
i don't have anything nice, but i want to look decent for mom (my adopted mom) before they put her in the ground...
i only have an hour to get ready, and i'm so unsure of myself that it hurts.
i don't know if i can do this...
drunk or not, i don't think i'm brave enough to go see her...
i think that for the first time, i might break.

11:08 AM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

there’s misery in memories

mercy me, there's a black spot in my memory...

the only thing that made me smile through the misery...

i can feel the blankness fill my anatomy...

come back and tell me you can fix my mind...

cause i'm not fine...

in all honesty i feel binded and blind...

11:34 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

So, if life is like a box of chocolates...

my box was laced with acid...

as soon as things start to seem at least semi-normal,something goes horribly wrong in hugely abnormal amounts...but there's that one moment during the whole time that i seem to forget where i am and and what i just saw and think:

*wow, that -insert random object here- is really pretty*

but it's normally when i go into flashback mode and it makes me really homesick.

at other points, it's like the whole world is topsy-turvy and everything keeps spinning and there's that one picture in my mind that i lock on to to keep me sane. cause if the trip goes too far, i won't come back.

i think that's why sonja is so important...

she keeps me sane...

she makes everything okay...

she is my safe place when there's nowhere to run...

and when the trip gets too intense, she can always bring me back to earth.

11:37 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

travel...
Current mood: cheerful

it seems like everyone wants to do one thing in life... at least between high school and college. road trip. just one long huge trek cross countries or a bus ride to miami for spring break... just something to get away from that little place you want to escape through schooling.

i'm about to start the same thing... i'm gonna go through texas, louisiana, mississippi, georgia (for a side trip), alabama, then down to p-cola.

only one thing. i don't have a car or a bus to take. so i'm back packing it there with my favorite gay guy. lol. the plan is to stop in all of the larger cities to eat, sleep, etc... i'll be writing about it along the way. it should lbe fun. although i see a LOT of couch surfing in the near future. :)

wish me luck.

Currently listening : Assembly By Pompeii Release date: 10 October, 2006

1:22 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

She said:
Current mood: abandoned

Don't give up.

You're just  not good enough.

Apretty face makes pretty pictures dollface.

Please don't cry.

I can't take it tonight.

It wasn't gonna be forever, Baby.

[I'll hold it all in tight...

I won't cry, just make your name last.

I'll be alright...

I'll just play the scorned lover till I find another...]

I know how you feel when you look at me, so incomplete.

You'll play the lonely card by next week, oh poor baby....

[repeat chorus]

I know why you're running.

You're too scared to dirty your name.

God forbid you love a girl.

I know why you're hiding.

Those methane eyes won't protect you...

I'm not a coward or I'd be hiding too.

[chorus x 2]

Ladedadedida.......

2:58 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Welcome to America...
Current mood: angry

Hey pretty girl

does it hurt yet?

Bet it'll feel better with my hands around your neck.

Baby's gotta get away,

but they'll notice the nosebleed.

Daddy'll find you soon.

Prince Charming can't save you .

Hey ther Faggot,

can you feel this?

Piercing eyes,and a baseball bat,

then a fist.

Betcha wanna run away.

Too bad your legs won't bend right.

Go ahead and beg.

A headshot only hurts for a second.

Hey there Honey,

why don't you take another drink?

The drugs haven't kicked in yet,

but you'll figure out why mommy says don't talk to strangers.

Welcome to America,

home of mass hysteria.

We can give you a voice to use.

However, either way we're gonna take it.

Hey there Gorgeous,

let me fuck you up.

I'm here for the pleasure,

even if you don't have fun.

Don't be scared.

The euphoria'll wear off soon.

When it does, you'll wake up in my room.

Don't bother struggling.

I'll only dose you again and again.

Don't bother screaming.

The drugs and me make a hell of a friend.

10:24 PM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

She's just the one you waited for...
Category: Life

so... i'm on my own this time and the panic has passed

but the rush of not being so sure is still sticking with me....

i'm stuck on a girl i can't have and we may as well not exist to eachother anymore...

my family, although we've tried to visit and failed horrily, hasn't seen me yet.

so here are my thoughts for today and my goals for the next year or so...

1)lately, i suck at life, but at least i'm alive.... physically...

goals:

get a SS card, job, and apartment....

get my girl back....

get a life other than myspace....

ANY SUGGESTIONS PPL??

10:13 AM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear Texas

i don't have much to say on the matter. and i don't want to have to justify my actions.
i love all of you very much, but i'm going home.
between the drugs, the environment, and the memories of what i used to be, i need to leave... i don't want to be what i used to.
i can't spend every day hiding in my house trying to avoid the outside world so that i don't have to be around the things i can't resist.
i can't do it....
on top of that, i have a promise to keep.
but you know me, i always come back.
i'll be seeing you on the flip-side.

ps mom, skye, dakota:
i love you and you can call me if you ever need my help.

11:42 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

so what if she's alive....
Current mood: cynical

do you ever wish you weren't yourself??

it's like everywhere i go, no matter how polite or smart i have the ability to be, i'm criticized for being myself... because i'm gay... because i'm part "prairie nigger* (aka half indian...), because i don't want to wear a uniform that everyone else decides to put on....

so what if i'm gay... i can't fucking help it.... it's SOOO fucking wrong to love who you love... ppl are dying because of it around here.... because they can't help who they love... because it's so wrong to be GAY... i can't even talk to my best friends because their parents or spouses think it's gonna rub off or i'm gonna do something. BEING GAY DOESN'T MAKE ME A WHORE!!!!!!!!!

and fuck every nazi that tells me i'm a piece of shit for being born a half-breed. especially the people on the fucking reservatioins. do you know what it's like to be treated like dirt because you don't look like one of them?? because you're not *pure-blooded*???? they're supposed to be my FAMILY. and i can't even talk to them...because i don't look like one of them.... and on top of that you've got the little punks around here running around wanting to kick your ass cause you're not all white. WTF?!?!

and on top of all that i get jumped a LOT and treated like shit because i'm not a fucking ganster or a redneck, nor do i wish to  be a barbie doll.... i hate them... i hate everyone here.... i can't help it... i just hate at this point... i can't help but hate them.... it's all anyone here can feel.... without being fucked up on something that's all anyone here can do...

sometimes i wonder what it would be liike to not be me.....

7:44 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

mom's sickness rants part 1 and 2

last night:

DXM OK-- I have some kind of Typhoid crap Skye infected me with.  I look like a bullfrog, have a fever of 101.4,  and can barely even croak out two words.  However--- DXM is my savior.  I suddenly have a clear understanding of why I had to pry the bottle of Tylenol Cold and Flu out of Skye's unwilling hands....  I am high as all get out.  This stuff needs to be behind the pharmacist's counter.  I have been asleep approximately 3/4 of the last 24 hours, and unsure of my complete coherence, or consciousness the other 1/4.  I also fudged my diet and went to Brahm's (which is an interesting drive once you're halfway there and realize you should NOT be driving), to get a mint chocolate chip milk shake.  However I managed to navigate the entire 3 block round trip with no casualties and barely any incidences other than being honked at and flipped the bird for going 20 mph in a 35 zone.  I hope that you realize that Dxm and mint chocolate chip milk shakes along with not having to speak to hardly anyone except Dakota and the guy at the window pretty much rocked.  I'm taking my loopy ass to bed...  Night all.  Hugs--- Kate   this morning: Referee Duty on DXM So I slept from 11- 12ish last night to 3:30 p.m. today, plus or minus a few referee wake-up calls.  If you don't have kids, you may not get the reference.  However, if you do, then you know, that nothing, and I mean nothing changes when you are sick as a parent.  Except YOU. They still want breakfast god awful early, they still fight over the tv, the vcr, the dvd player, the computer, the video games, who washed dishes or put them up last, whether it's her belt or mine, and who took the last pop tart....  You name it, they'll continue on like all is kosher in their little demolition derby world.  What the issue is is that you, the Mom, (or Dad), are ill and want nothing more than to crawl under a rock and die until the virus has passed from your system.  Thus, you try at first to be calm with the whole, hey can you take care of that for me, just help out your littler sibling, and when I get up I'll handle the bigger stuff, deal.  This works for about 30 seconds.  Then the next time you come out of the haze, you are startled by strident shrew like voices and words sailors don't use coming from your living room issuing from the mouths of your precious, beloved, sweet children.  Because One interupted the others diatribe on how to be a halfling thief, with "music" straight out of a morgue it's so emo and they both want the other one to shut up so they don't wake YOU.  Of course, at this point you can barely see, comprehend or talk.  So, when they both point fingers and start to yell at each other, you seperate them, tell them to chill, and that if you have to come back out that they will start to lose the privilege of whatever they were doing when the fight broke out....  Still seems like you're a human being right?  Just wait... You aren't even sure what the hell is going on, but world war 3 has broken out in the livingroom.  You get up, drag yourself down the hall like something out of Dawn of the Dead.   You don't even try to hear it.  You-- no Computer.  You-- no video games.  Go to your rooms if you don't like it.  You go back to your room, grab the blanket and pillow, stumble back to the sofa, and lay down.  Because you KNOW, that your room is just too close to the girl cussing just loud enough to piss you off,( which she'll deny on confrontation), and the boy who will not quit sobbing because you have wounded him by not allowing him to continue his 8 hour campaign on the x-box civilization he created. Still-- you think, It Is OK.  I'll just sleep out here. It's comfy in the warm blanket, and the pillow feels cool and like a cloud.  All will be well... Then you hear the door slam...  It is the oldest girl.  She asks loud and cheerfully where the other two are??  You mutter something about cuteness, gerbils, and cannibalism.  She proceeds to noisily make her way to the bedroom, where she asks what's going on exuberantly.  From here all hell breaks loose--- You are now hearing yourself refered to as HER, just as you might hear someone say  Satan.  At this point you have drowl and snot dried down one side of your face and into your hair which is standing up in liberty spikes.  Your voice sounds like something that in all truth should be accompanied by the smell of sulfur and you slide down the hallway trying to make the world slow down.  Upon entering your beloved child's room, you look at her and say YOU.  taking as deep a breath as you can before you pass out, a torrent of words comes out of your mouth at speeds exceeding the human hearing...   You turn, go out the door, and fall face down on the sofa.  Hours later, you wake up. You vaguely remember being foul.  You still feel like the world's worst hang over, and you are vaguely uneasy about the silence in the house.  On the counter is a note that says... " MOM- We love you.  We'll be quieter.  Hope you feel better.  We are in our rooms. We know that you are sick and didn't mean to say that.   We love you.  Raven, Skye, and Dakota"  At this point you wonder what in your delirium you said.  You have now reached the status of a sub human.  You go to take a shower and while you are in it you hear the stirrings of small people coming out of hiding.  Whatever you said it made an impact.  You towel off, put on some fresh clothes, brush your teeth and hair, and tentatively step outside your room.  The youngest runs up to within a foot of you, stops, and looks up at you.  He then asks in a nervous voice "MOM?  Are you still going to wait until tonight when I'm asleep, and breathe your germs on me so that you can keep me up when I'm sick like we did you? Raven says you won't, but then she also said you were possessed. Are you still possessed?" If you have kids you know the answer... If you are a parent it's your job to take care of them.  So....  You sit down, hug your child and tell him your sorry, that you didn't mean to be so scary, and that you won't give him your bug.  Then you look at your older two, who look vaguely smug, and say "But those two I don't know, maybe they need to be infected...  Let's get'em."  And the boy agrees, giggles and all goes back to as normal as it ever gets around here.

7:32 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

what a dream....

so there i was... sitting here with HIM. a smile on my face, far from normal... i relished the feeling of the barrel pushing on the back of his skull. right where the soft spot is. just steadily, casually speaking to him. it was as if the words i was saying were just another laid back conversation with my friends. but the thoughts pouring out were far from casual:

" i was hoping to see you again. you made my life hell... even after you left. funny how a conman can get his way. just peel away thier shell and make them think you understand. that makes you their savior even after you fuckd them over. god you're such a bastard."

i kicked him in the back of his knees. they always were bad. he couldn't scream though, even if i'd wanted him to. i'd forgotten that i'd already stapled his lips shut. i shook off the thought of blowing his fucking head off... even if it did make me smile it wasn't time yet. GOD, i wanted to taste his blood so bad... feel it on my fingers. i just sat there staring at him. lit another cigarette. for once, HE was scared of ME. i wasn't helpless anymore. SCOTT ALAN ZIMMERMAN, the fucking badass known for his 3 blackbelts and wise ass mouth that could talk nuns out of there underwear was intimidated.

i looked down and realized that my cigarette was burned down to the filter. i stuck it in his eye... i'd already taken away everything that made him attractive to the crowds of people he seemed to pull. he couldn't charm people without his baby-methane-blue eyes, or his voice. (he could look at you like the snake looked at eve and sing you to sleep while he killed you and you'd never realize it till it was over.) i used cigarettes and a putty knife to take care of that. knives are too merciful for the pain i wanted to intill.

the thougt of him suffering was fucking beautiful, but pedefiles don't deserve to keep anything precious. i took care of that too... slowly enough to hurt, quickly enough to shock him. i had only one thing left to say now. it's amazing how 3 little words can make such an impact on some people.

"fuck you, dad."

then i pulled the trigger. i'm glad i didn't take his ears. an angel's voice should be able to haunt him in hell.

-and then i woke up... funny part about it was that i was smiling...-

FIN

7:06 PM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

for my girl

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you want to feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'
Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide
Yeah we're gonna let it slide

Don't you love the life you killed
The priest is on the phone
Your father hit the wall
Your ma disowned you
Don't suppose I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
Something I can exchange
I'll live around here

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide
Mmmmm slide

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
Oh May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh May do you wanna get married
Or run away....Yeah

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
Oh oh oh May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh May do you wanna get married
Or run away

I wanna wake up where you are

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall

Oh Oh Oh slide
(Just slide between the sheets of all the beds you never knew)
Yeah slide
Why don't you slide into my room
Just slide into my room
Oh, we'll run away, run away, run away

7:23 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

what's it like....

i just want to know...

how does it feel to be able to afford to visit the people you care about?

or to know that daddy can buy you a new car?

or how it feels to have a dad....

or how it feels to not move every six months because mom got another b/f that wants her to do it his way....

to fall in love without being judged....

to know the bills are always payed and that food isn't coming out of you and your kid bro and sis' because someone wants to get stoned....

to have never been beaten....

to have never been locked away or treated like dirt for being different....

to be a fucking barbie doll who goes to church and never got caught in *the act*.....

to know everythihng will be ok in the morning....

to know you'll never be treated differently because someone knows your past....

to know your past was perfect...

to be amazingly beautiful.....

to be smart enough to be able to pass all your classes...

to not wonder if mom's cancer is gonna come back...

to not have to wonder if i'm getting another tumor when it feels like there's a lump in my hand or any other random fucking spot....

i wonder what it's like to not wake up and want to die....

or what's it's like to just be happy by myself instead of because i'm drunk or relying apon friends to make me that way....

to not worry about whether my sister's gonna go apeshit or if she's ever gonna be ok or get back on meds....

i wonder what it's like to be lucky enough to not be me....

11:26 PM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment