Go to corey's new blog

The Comedy Of Corey Forrester

1:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Enigma PLEEZ
Current mood: Facist

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a job these days?  Everybody wants you to have a degree, a few years of experience, a shower, etc..  Who has time for any of that?  I need money now and I don't have time to go to your little "college" or use your little "soap".   And they want you to come down to the main office for an "interview"...  I didn't win the Superbowl, I just want to be able to pay the bills and go see X-Men 3 when it comes out.  Why would anybody want to interview me anyways?  "Connie, this kid down in Georgia is trying to get a job... go see what he has to say about it!"  I thought interviews were for famous people like P Diddy and Ed McMahon.  Anyways...So i thought when you apply for a job they tell you how much you are going to make.  It seems like everybody I talk to asks me how much I would like to make. So now you get to pick if you want to be rich or not?  I didn't get one job last week because I asked the man if instead of money I could be paid in partially burned American flags.  I know that sounds weird now, but think how much I could sell those to terrorists and Micheal Moore for.  They want the flags burned, but they have to do all the burning themselves...so why don't I just cut out the middle man and give them the flags already burned at a discounted price?  Seemed like a good idea to me but the head honcho at the Georgia Congress didn't think I was what they were "looking for" in a Senator.  I guess I'm gonna end up doing the last thing I wanted to do and instead of getting a good job, just swallow my pride and get a hand job.  They don't pay much but they are very rewarding (or so I've been told)

10:55 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

just thinking

I'm getting tired of hearing people talk about their fantasy football or fantasy baseball team.  It is such an inaccurate term.  An imaginary all star team that you draft online and compete against other fake imaginary all star teams may be fun, but its not a fantasy.  A real fantasy sport would be Blowjob Ping Pong.

9:28 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I slept with my clone
Current mood: My friends and I are pretending Larry King is youn

Today's Word's of Wisdom

"A penny saved is more than that homeless piece of shit over there has"

"Cancer killed the cat"


I don't understand how so many people say they are afraid of dying alone. I believe that is the most selfish thing I have ever heard. I hope I die alone because I don't want anybody else dying with me (unless its Larry the Cable Guy because then I wouldnt have to watch all the shitty reruns of his performances every day on Comedy Central that they play every time somebody dies). What kind of sick person wants to die with a lot of other people? Ok... so when I die I want everybody to be there so we can all die together. Tell grandma to come, it will be a relief for her anyways. And make sure Auntie Ruth brings her camera and some pot roast. I just can't wait til we all kill ourselves simultaneousy because then we wont have to die alone. And dying with a multitude of others is in no way scary.

Yesterday it snowed and everybody wanted to go outside and make snow angels. You see... I havent been around snow very much, and I thought they said snow ANGLES. I ended up making a big 90 degree angle and I wanted everybody to come see it but I forgot that 90 degrees is way too warm and it melted the snow immediately.

I dated a girl once who would absolutely not drink after anybody. She was fine with making out with me, and also making out with other parts of me....but she still thought drinking after me was sick. So one night I wanted to test her and just see what happened. She was playing a tune on the ole' skinflute and I told her I was about to get off. She opened up wide and as usual... requested that I "let it go in her mouth" So I told her to close her eyes and I would. So she's sitting there with her eyes closed telling me to unload in her mouth while im grabbing a half empty (or half full, depending on your personal outlook) bottle of Surge (yeah apparently this happened when I was in 3rd grade) and poured it in her mouth. To make a very medium sized story less medium, she ended up breaking up with me because that was "the most disgusting thing anybody has every done" to her. But to be fair, Surge was pretty gross. I might actually rather drink a sticky load than half of a Surge. Less carbs, more protein....

2:54 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Random Banterings
Current mood: Disliking the word "abrupt"

My Vcr is Blinking 12:00, either im late, or my samsung has epilepsy.

I have on American Flag Boxers and this morning they were at half mast.

Why do people say "This may or may not be true"? NO SHIT. They might as well say "Im about to say some words".

I masturbate in front of a mirror, not because im a pervert, I am just usually in a hurry so i like to shave too.

If you said "She's the bomb!" In Afganastan, they'd take it literal.

If you think abortion is wrong, how do you justify masturbation? Thats wiping out and entire generation in one, possbly two strokes.

I dont have a lazy eye, he just has bad work ethic.

I dont think wearing hiking boots with shorts makes you less of man, i think it makes you more of a lesbian.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but astigmatism is in the eye of the unfortunate.

The lord giveth and the lord taketh away. Indian Giver?

Poor people dont smell bad becuase there poorthats a silly misunderstanding, they smell bad cause they have no indoor plumming.

I have this weird growth on the back of my leg, its either a vein, a stretch mark, or i swallowed a worm wrong.

I can only eat unleavend bread because of my yeast infection.

The term "it's not you its me" means "i went ball deep in your sister".

When you say the word "cancer" some people get nervous "hey man, his mom has cancer" well i wasnt talking about hers, its just a word, its like if i said "human" and some one said "hey man, chill, tommy over there has an abusive alcoholic drug dependent father who nver read to him as a child, and he is a human."

In my car I have, "Solar power steering" so at night i have something to prove.

Being a piece of shit is bad, but being "the shit" is good, so all the pieces of shit need to form a coalition and become "the shit".

I hate the city of Troy, because now when i want to offer a country a perfectly good large wooden horse they think i have an alterior motive.

2:45 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Enemies
Current mood: filing a grievance

If you like the show "Friends" dont read this.
Here is the basis of the show friends, basically what the creators of the show were thinking when they were coming up with this tragedy of a sitcom.
Ok, first lets get 2 skinny girls with semi-big boobs and make sure they have hard nipples and rarely contribute to the dialogue.  Next, lets find one really insecure pussy guy who is smart, dark headed, and has average looking teeth.  Ummm... ok we need one kind of ugly girl, but one that you would still do if you were camping with her, and she can say really sophomoric random things that no human on earth would really say, and everybody will act like they can relate to her.  Ok... I like where this is going, but we need 2 more male characters.  Let's get one guy who is almost good looking and almost funny, and we can set him up for extremely predictable sarcastic statements that anybody could think of, that way people will feel comfortable with him like he is actually one of THEIR friends.  And finally, we need one guy who has had an unfortunate acting career and every episode have a word that he gets confused by the meaning or pronunciation.  Thats it... we have a show!!
How would these people ever be friends?  There is no way a pseudo-witty business man and an overly insane random "free spirit" ugly blonde.  Or that 2 skinny girls with various hair styles and almost big breasts would ever hang out with David Schwimmer?  I just dont see it folks.  That show is at best Acquantances.
Here's my idea of a similar show I'd call "People Who Know Each Other" and if they want to get really unrealistic I'll do that.  Here it is.
There is one supermodel/Greek chef named Iris Constantinopolis who sleeps around with lower class blue collared workers and is obsessed with Handball.  Then I'd have a Chinese communist college post-grad student named Miagi "Stingray" Chang who wants people to think he loves the outdoors but really just wants to cuddle and drink lattes.  There would be southern male quadruplet golf enthusiasts named the Sparks brothers, probably from Montgomery Alabama, who refer to themselves as the Four  Coursemen, and they always argue over which one of them the supermodel/Greek chef really likes. But one of the brothers, Bubba (no relation to Bubba Sparxxx, different spelling of the last name there bud) is secretely gay. The final character would be Missy McSack, a wealthy Shepherd from the Netherlands who now works at a local low rent bar where the People Who Know Each Other hang out.  They all live in the nearby Pro-Choice Apartment Complex, but only 4 of them are actually pro-choice.  They see each other from time to time, but since these people would never really be compatible, they all live their own separate lives.  At the end of the first show, Eric Rudolph bombs their apartments and they all die in the flames, except Stingray, who drowns in his bathtub...during the fire.  I think one show is enough to get this show critically acclaimed.  Hell, its a lot better than Friends.

11:24 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Can't Rape What You Can't See

Today as I was rummaging through my old records, I came upon my semen covered Clay Aiken record from back in the day. (For those who aren't familiar with records, they are the big black CD's that people used to have to listen to before God created technology)  Anyways, I put it on and started humming (no pun intended...  ok a little pun intended) along with some of his killer tunes.  One song, however, got me really thinking about something.  The song where he talks about being invisible so he could just watch the subject of the song in his/her room really made me ponder... what would I do if I was invisible.  Here is a list of some of the things I would do were I able to escape visibility for a while:

-Make corny jokes about how long its been since I've seen my own penis.  Since these jokes are usually made about fat people or people who have tiny penises, it would be quite silly that I happen to be average in both categories, I simply couldn't see it because it was also invisible.

-Break into every bank and steal $30, just to prove a point.

-Sneak onto the set of Conan O'Brien and sporadically fondle his hair.

-Tackle innocent bystanders in front of their girlfriends

-Go to Klan meetings and rap at the top of my lungs

-Whisper in Eddie Murphy's ear every night when he is asleep, "Just stop trying.  It's not funny anymore"

-Sit in the chair at the gynecologists office

-Get a job as a mall Santa and when the kids tell me what they want, pull my beard up and yell, "Oh YEAH!?  WELL I WANT A FACE ASSHOLE"

-Learn how to play the guitar

-I guess I wouldn't have to be invisible to play guitar, so take the last one back

-Kick those British Soldier Guard guys in the sack and call them wankers

-Murder families (families of spiders that is)

-Pee in Tammy Faye Baker's oatmeal every single morning, time permitting

-Spell new words that nobody knows out loud, but not too loud

-Climb into Reuben Studdards mouth and get my skateboard back

and finally, the most important thing I would do if I were invisible....

-Masturbate in the "No Masturbation" section of several restaurants

Well thats my ideas, maybe you have better ones.  Probably not.  Anyways, I'm outta here  hope you enjoyed your 6 minutes with Invisiblog.

1:58 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Penis Butter Jelly Time
Current mood: Vivica A. Fox

I'm gonna start this one out offensive and end it in just a tasteless way. But yesterday I not only ate Subway like still chubby Jarred, but I posted a clean sensible blog. Here goes:

My girlfriend is thinking about going back to college to try to get a degree. I am anti-that. You hear about all these women going to "college" and getting these cute little "degrees." The only degrees they should be concerned with is when they are preheating the oven. And Degree antipersperant, because its hot in the kitchen when you put a bitch in.

Real quick and overdone here: I'm trying to eat healthy now. I have a newly aquired taste for vegetables. My top 3 favorite veggies are potatoes, carrots, and Shiavo. Bam. there it is.... Upset yet?

Mad at your girl? Wanna get even with her? Try our new Steel-Wool condoms, made especially for you to literally tear that shit up. "Trojan: Vengeance is Ours" Painful i know.

I just bought a roll of the new Andy Dick toilet paper. It's white, soft, and always leaves a little bit stuck in your ass. Boom.

Speaking of toilet paper, the TP at my house is absolutely awful.  My asshole has become similar to a blacksmith's hands.  Just totally calloused and numb to everything.  Few weeks ago I was camping with some of my "posse" (by posse I mean myself, my roommate, and a very average sized bird that comes and goes)and I had to take a shit.  Ole Birdy told me I was supposed to wipe with leaves (Birdy is my roommate, I think the moderately sized bird's name is Jean-Paul, not sure) but I just didnt think that would get the job done.  Conveniently for me there was a rattlesnake trying to digest a porcupine right next to me.  I very rudely took the porcupine from the snake and wiped my ass hardcore.  Blood and spines were flying everywhere.  But I still didn't feel that Spring Morning Kidney Stone freshness.  So I took the snake, more or less against his will, and wiped with his venomous teeth.  My butthole really is so numb I could be gay and not even really be bothered that badly. I mean, as long as the dude was cool and I didn't have to like, kiss him or anything, it really wouldnt be so terrible.  We could watch ballgames, drink cold ones, and go hiking/hitchhiking together, and after I fall asleep he could do whatever and I would never know.  You know what, nevermind.  I couldn't do that.  I know he would try to rearrange my whole living room setup and I don't need that shit right now. 

Thanks for not puking guys.  Tomorrow will be clean again...just had to get all that out. Peace...

P.S. Bob, this one was semi-disgusting for you.  I hope it really makes manifest the sick half of my brain. See this is what happens when I write during the daytime....

8:39 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Go Long Shorty
Current mood: Jookie- its a party in a can

We had a gay guy on my high school baseball team.  He played a little bit of pitcher but mostly catcher (if you get my drift).  He wasn't a bad catcher, he just had a tendency of letting everything get behind him (shhhh) and usually let people plow him at home (i know i know).  Anyways, he didn't know all the intricacies of the game and I swear every time he was hitting and coach gave him the "bunt" sign, he thought it was the "bundt" sign and he drove home and baked the whole team a cake.  Terrible joke I know.... and none of that really happened.

Instant messenger has become the world's most used form of communication. I dont really know that for sure but it has to be true.  Anyways...  I always like to get on and talk to my chums and see what people are up to.  The best part is reading the Away messages.  Some people have funny ones, some have cute and sweet ones.  But you always have the people who work second shift at Wendy's who have these super inspirational away messages. Why, out of all people, is it these cats who have these irrationally motivational messages, like they are on top of the world and they want you to join them. They usually have either some empowering Bible verse or some quote from Lance Armstrong that just makes you want to go out and do something with your life.  And after they put up that message with all the pride and dignity they can muster, they go flip burgers for 8 hours for minimum wage.  But I guess if I was cooking fries for a living I would have to find some reason to get outta bed.  I'd watch scenes from Braveheart every day before my shift then put on my "Carpe Fry-em" T-shirt, strap on my headphones under my toboggon and blast some Rage Against the Machine on my whole bike ride across town to my place of employment.  Every time I handed a burger to a customer I would cry out, "FREEDOM!!!"  Call me old fashioned but I just cant think of a lifestyle better than that.

2:29 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Is that pee pee on my new lamp?

I am a self proclaimed pervert.  Every time I see a movie my brain automatically thinks of what it would be called if it was an adult film.  Here are some examples:

-Nutsack Mountain
-The Life Atwatlick with Steve Jizzou
-The Testicles of Narnia
-End of My Spear
-Aeon Fux
-Star Whores Episode I
-Requiem For A Wet Dream
-Homo Lone
-The Mangina Candidate
-Sperminator 2: Judgement Gay
-Back to the Coocher
-Remember the Tight Ones
-The Italian HandJob
-Erin Smackabitch
-Forest Hump
-The 14 Year Old Virgin
-Bruce Allnighty
-Seven Queers in Tibet
-The Legend of Sleepy Swallow
-8 Seconds (aka my first time)
-Douche Bagalow
-50 First Date Rapes

Ok I think thats enough for today.  Sorry If I have tainted your innocent minds.  Ha... I said taint.

1:26 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment