A bloody end to it all

So it's another year, the year of an eight with a two-thousand tacked on the end. I can't say I was too bothered by the whole New Year thing, never was in the first place. Call me Mr. Misery but once Christmas is out of the way there's no point getting excited again for a while.

In honour of this dedicated bitterness I continue to carry around with me I am leaving this shanty town. I've made over three thousand views of my blogs (why I'll never know) and because of this I'm abandoning Myspace for the time being. There's some new kid in town. Goes by the name Face Buick or something. I'm going to go and have a look to see what all the fuss is about. I never thought I'd defect but it's hard when there's hardly anyone here anymore. I'm also concerned that it will leave me more open to people, who may have been looking for me, finding me since leaving previous jobs / school / being drunk somewhere sometime. It's a risk I'm going to take though.

If it's sh*t I'll be straight back believe me. I'll bust a couple of chops and then shoot my way out. This ain't no simple hack and slash.

Happy New Year everyone ;)

11:14 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

tHiS thInGS i leArNt tODAy

I had to do some ness in town last night after work so I wandered in with two friends (who I'm not being sexist but they were girls and said that they were only going for one or two things and took an hour and a half, chuff?) and was greeted with a sign as I stood in line in Fenwicks Department Store (la de da). It said that only people who were sixteen or over could buy Christmas Crackers and I was later informed due to the fact that gunpowder was contained within them. So all those times when I was small and I was buying them was I planning to do ungodly things with them? No, they were so me mam didn't have to get everything for the Christmas Lunch. It's such a stupid thing. Sometimes I hate living here... but it has it's good points. Other things I have learned this week are:

1) Fred Savage starred in a film called 'Little Monsters'.
2) People still send Christmas cards.
3) Northern Rock have been handed a lot of money (some of it mine).
4) I am working without Audrey for the rest of the week.
5) The Green Arrow is cool (I forgot).

Thrust, thrust, thrust, and if anyone needs any pornography I'm in the middle of writing some. The pictures are a little shaky so you'll have to bear with me :)

11:17 PM - 6 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Tripeth to Leedseth

It was briefest in the briefest sense of the word. Even the train ride down was unbelievably quick. The weather was just as bad and if you can believe (which you can if you've been there) but it was colder inside me mam's house than outside.

Something I did notice that everyone should know and ponder for the rest of the day was that a lot of people down in Leeds saying, "To be fair...". Then I noticed that a lot of people in Newcastle start sentences with, "At the end of the day...". But then everyone nowadays seems to slip into conversation every so often a little, "basically..." and I seem to do it myself too which really irritates me.

Final note - Christmas shopping is busy and sh*t wherever you go. Get it done as soon as you can :)

11:13 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Courting the Courteeners

Last night I went to a gig. It was in fact the first one I'd been to for a while and the last one was free (Frank Turner, and he was pretty good) so that technically doesn't count. There's a lot of hyperbole going around about the Courteeners so much so that anything with their name on is being flogged on ebay about ten times its initital value. That's not a bad thing though providing you're on the right side of the transaction :)

The gig itself wasn't as good as it was made out to be. The lead singer seemed a bit up himself and the rest of the band didn't say a word at all. They stood and played their instruments albeit excellently and it only lasted about forty-five minutes. That didn't bother me though. It also was good that there was only a half an hour wait between the support, Beggars, and them so my legs didn't turn into cream cheese. No merch to purchase though and flog on. Three quid for a lighter or some badges? You can stick that up your a*se and smoke it Jim 'cos I'm not wasting my Christmas coppers.

The best bits were when some crazy b*stard at the bad put some weird goggles on and stood on the bar at the back for the last song. Then I had a squint off with some drunk guy outside (hello Gemsy and Charlie, I think it was) before being invited for half price drinks at Revolution. I declined politely and wandered home to eat cake.

£7.00 for the ticket. £3.00 a pint (and it was flat). You couldn't nick any posters because they put them behind glass. You couldn't go outside for cigarettes because once you're in you can't go out. Bit of a mixed bag. It could have been worse mind.

11:25 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Jerry Loinsford makes it another year!

And here's me thinking today was just another day.

Local hero and all round good guy Mr Jerry Loinsford has lasted yet another year on this god forsaken planet of ours. Despite several attempts on his life and various life-threatening drinking sessions with Big Fog he still stands triumphant, tall, hypnotic and spicy.

I would say how old he is but I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise and also it tells you on his myspace page so it would be stating the obvious (surely?). I ask you all to raise a glass of cheer in merriment with a little umbrella to salute this wonderful man. Without him, well, none of us would be here. I think. He mentioned once that he saved the world from robots but I'm not too sure if that was the Cillit Bang talking...

11:55 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mr. Cloudy Misdemeanour...

...at the pool

So Mr. Cloudy Misdemeanour has a few hours between clients on the Sunday his dad goes in to have a cornea transplant so he decides to go back and visit one of his childhood haunts; Skateshead Pool and Leisure Emporium.

It's become a bit of a dive since the last time he appeared wearing his turquoise swimming trunks with his 50m patch sewn on them. That was a triumphant day. A group of teenagers are splashing in the corner. A large group of adults are doing laps on the opposite side. A part of Mr. Cloudy Misdemeanour wants to unite the whole community in one heart-shaped cookie but stood, with his gangly limbs facing the world, all he can do is sneer.

The smell of chlorine is a filtered nightmare. The lifeguard tells him that heavy petting has been re-evaluated and is now allowed under new EU laws. The days of penny whistles and sherbert dips are too far gone. Mr. Cloudy Misdemeanour can see the orange brick he lost at the bottom of the pool, in his mind.

12:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Buttercup Dresses in Tarts

It's less than three weeks now before Christmas Day which I think is terrible. Not just because now I have to actually think about considering about going up into town and getting some presents but because more and more people will be calling up Dickinson Dees saying, "mneh, mneh, I need to complete before Christmas so little Johnny can open his presents in his brand new home whilst my husband Dave roasts chestnuts over a fire and I bring warm cocoa for us all to enjoy whilst watching 'Santa Claus: The Movie" on television." It's never as specific as that obviously, I was ad-libbing for a bit.

Don't look at me that way, I'm not being grumpy about Christmas it's just the pressure and the hassle of it all. All of Reuben's presents are, thankfully, bought and only need wrapping now. Take my family though (please take them, fnyar, fnyar); we were all supposed to sort out things when they came and visited two weekends ago and only seem to half sort it. So now I've gotten presents for some but not for all. It's all gone a bit chippy tea if you ask me. Right now coal is looking like a decent enough gift, so long as you put enough bows and whistles on it no-one'll notice :)

Fourteen shapes and then it quits. I still haven't bought the full version of Tetris for me phone yet. Fourteen bloody shapes...

11:24 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mr. Cloudy Misdemeanour...

...at the fair

So Mr. Cloudy Misdemeanour is having a slow day down at the mill and decides to take a bit of a stroll suring his first three minute lunch break. There's a bit of a to do going on down the street so he does to investigate. It turns out there's a fair going down and it doesn't agree with him. In fact all the joy and merriment don't sit well with hs metabolism. Candyfloss is pain. Mr. Cloudy Misdemeanour sits across from the fair and squints in a half-cocked manner. There's no delight there though. A stray balloon from a complacent child rises into the air and dazily wafts from tree to tree. If he had a rock Mr. Cloudy Misdemeanour would surely have launched it at this pleasant scene to destroy any poetic resonance it may have construed to a passing stranger.

10:56 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Creepy Metro Adventures

I went to the pub quiz last night and after it finished I walked back along towards the Metro station. It was raining, dark and like somebody could jump out at me at any moment to offer me anything ranging from a pistol whip to a cream cake. The cream would be runny though so unless it was in a plastic bag I would have refused even if it was followed by a pistol whip. You have to stand up to these people you know.

The station itself was dead. Both sides had nobody waiting except every so often there was odd noises like CLANKS and RATTLES which spooked me a little. I mean if I'm the only one there who was diddling in the shadows? It also didn't help that the display, which should have told me when the next Metro was coming, said very unhelpfully, "Terminates, 36, Terminates, 42, Terminates, 61." What the hell does that mean? I knew they didn't run past midnight so it made absolutely no sense. With invisible forces surrounding me and only one way out of that flying umbrella I decided to escape to the surface for a cigarette. Topside I found the timetable and saw that one was supposed to be arriving in the next three minutes. Choosing to believe that rather than the sh*t-spitting board of electronic nothing I ran downstairs and it came two minutes later. Thankfully. Walking home is one thing but walking home in the rain is completely different.

It's the soggy socks that do my head in.

(I know this would have been a lot more interesting had I been attacked by some pirates or a mutated monster of something but they're just not that common in the Tyne and Wear area I'm afraid)

11:28 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Vengeance is mine (served cold with mustard for tang)

Time is tricky little munchkin. I managed to trace where the Jam Pandas were making their transmissions from and took time out on Sunday afternoon to go and have a little chat to "discuss" a few matters with them (and my fist, ha HA!).

When I arrived though they were lying on the floor. No matter how much I used a banana to prod their lifeless bodies they wouldn't wake up. I checked their pulses and they were still alive just not moving for some reason. At first I considered it might be a trap, like a huge cage of jam would fall from the ceiling trapping me like a fly in, well, jam, but as time wore on and I piled their bodies by the doorway of the farm I could tell it was over. I read the last message they sent and I can't understand at all. The pressure of telling time, making jam, being a family and posting messages on here must have been too much for them. I felt sorry for Pa really because he just took too much on and in the end nobody got hurt. I haven't made peace with them yet however everyone deserves a second chance.

I don't think we've heard the last of the Jam Pandas...

11:53 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment