I never understood growing up Not inwardly, anyway. It just never made sense to me. The world has always been this beautiful movie Played out in a colossal domed theater Between handfuls of buttered popcorn. Only the movie is created by me, the viewer And I make it up as I go along, Sitting in the dark, fully immersed in the story, Suspending true reality temporarily For the sake of the experience. The genre changes by the minute And characters move in and out; I'm the only one that never passes on. When I was a child, it was an action-adventure With thrilling mysteries And magical coincidences, All inexplicably weaved together In a golden paradise Where good always prevailed. Fun was the center of reality, Responsibility was simply a concept, a stranger; Someone I'd heard about But never had the pleasure of meeting. But as the years passed, I watched the scenes change From sunlit Sunday afternoons To bleak, desolate landscapes; The reel shuddering as the images grew heavy, The projector flickering, Fading inexplicably to grainy black and white film. The harder I try to hold on To what played upon my screen once up on a time, The more the images I watch now contradict them. The joy I once found in creating each scene fades, And I find myself lost in the images, Unable to consciously create them like I always have. I watch as my story becomes a war film, A heavyhearted struggle with no promise of a happy ending. Best friends that you thought would never desert you Move on to make their own movies, And they no longer overlap with yours; Those precious moments of spectacular beauty That once lasted into infinity Are left in a battered cardboard box, collecting dust Never to be screened again. Only what was once good is not replaced with anything better; As the good memories and characters drop out, They are replaced only with weighty responsibility, The omnipresent, unconquerable villain That lives purely to push the story to the verge of a tragedy. Action-adventure is a wistful, fanciful dream That seems to have become extinct. The long, comedic sequences have dwindled, Quenched down to bare-boned comedic relief Flashes of laughter in an empty, drafty office Suffocated by lack of time. Every minute of screen is dominated by that which is necessary And all that once was pure passion for living Is shelved, and stored, to turn yellow with age. Change has not always been so dismal, Yet it feels like that is all it has now become And I cannot see a way out. When leaving the movie theater is not an option, Changing the movie will never be the same again. Will I ever again feel that freedom, consistently That pure bliss and joy that once made the film so wonderful That made me fall in love with it in the first place? All I can do is focus, and change what I can And learn to accept that change, However unfriendly and uncomfortable it may feel, Is simply an opportunity For me to create an even better tomorrow. Because if I cannot accept this, I will forever sit in the dark, Having become yet another victim, Amongst audiences of other victims That are trapped forever in their inability to let go. So even though I don't understand growing up And it never really made sense to me, Play me the next reel, and I will do my best To live in each scene with as much joy as I can And perhaps I will find That the golden paradise I vie for Has yet to come.
PS, PLEASE, people, dont allow your imagination to run amuck. I was having a depressed night by myself. There is NOTHING wrong with my relationship, life, self, etc.!! This was a moment of self-expression, nothing else. In fact, I am doing great having got this off my chest.
raise you head let go......... if you never let go you'll live on, dead. you'll live a lonely, lost existence silent, cold, praying, wishing but no. just let go. let go of everything every little thing that haunts your mind and fills you with loneliness and regret. ....regret. drop your weights your burdens your bags drop them now and never look back. be free of all the imaginary weights, the weights of this world "reality" nothing more than a thread woven in a dream a memory a moment... the pain we hold ourselves in the cage we build is all completely false. it lasts only in our mind only in our choice to hold on to it. it lives only in the seconds, in the moments. not in anyone else's minds they will never remember only you hold on. so let go... give in. raise your head,
then click "demo it." a box will pop up with a lady and she'll start talking. to shut her up, press the pause button underneath her. on the left side, click the button that says, "add audio".
click the fourth button down, "text to speech". another box will pop up. add whatever audio name you want.
copy/paste this into the big box: ("say")
ooh. i am so horny. i will suck your big fat cock, you dirty notty dog. i want to hump hump hump all day long. i would like you to stick that hard dick in my sticky pussy. oh baby oh baby i want you to drip your juices all over my face, you sex god. oh oh oh oh yeah, oh yes, oh yes, give it to me now. yes, yes, oh oh oh oh. fuck me fuck me, fuck me. oh god. i need your cock inside me now.
well, technically it did, cause i haven't been on myspace since i said i was quitting forever. i barely even thought about it, much less wasted as much time on here.
however, with the sudden lack of myspace to waste my time, i found other things to waste my time instead. ::sigh::
i figured i might as well return, and keep in contact with y'all. my perspective is just going to have to change...
there's no such thing as wasted time, and everything happens for a reason.
I'm leaving myspace. I was going to delete it totally but that's just too much for me right now.
Why?
Because I spend way too much time on this damn thing and instead of being present in life every moment that I could be, I'm on here, wasting it away. If I were to take all of the time that I spend on this thing and seriously use it for something else more productive I'd be a lot farther in my life. I came to this conclusion this morning while I was in the shower.
Anyway.
If you need to contact me or get ahold of me, just e-mail me. My new email is tien@mycreativepower.com Love you all.
-- Yesterday Tim got home and we spent the day together, we took the motorcycle and rode all over the place out in the middle of nowhere, totally lost and just going where we felt like going.
So we're shooting along and I notice a ton of smoke billowing up from less than a half a mile away, and we both kind of assume it's just a brush fire or something, but as we get near to it, we slow down. Picture this: we're on a little two-lane highway in the middle of nowhere and there are random residencies and properties all strung out from the street on little dirt roads and whatnot.
We pull over on the side of the road and look through a big locked gate down a short dirt road and there's a car on fire. A green seabring, just up in flames. It keeps making poping noises and exploding and all of the brush around it is on fire, too. At first we think it might be the tires, but it pops more than four times.
So here I am, looking at this huge fire, and you know, EXPLODING CAR + FEMALE MIND = IMAGINATION ACCELERATION TIME, I'm sitting there imagining all kinds of movie-scenarios of people on fire and a suicide or a murder and deals gone bad and disposing of evidence and all that, and realizing I don't have a cell phone to call the fire department with.
And of course, Tim is sitting next to me, and EXPLODING CAR + MALE MIND = COOL! RUN TOWARDS IT! And he gets off the bike and goes around the gate and rund off towards the car! I'm like, what, are you STUPID? Of course, you know, he comes back and says no he's not stupid, he figured the gas tank was in the back of the car so he went around it and didn't go near it. But, you know. My first instinct wouldn't be to run towards flames and explosions unless I knew what was causing it. Why get your footprints all around what could be a crime scene? The way my mind thinks, man.
Anyway, the fire trucks finally show up (the people on the property next to the fire called the fire department) and they're getting out the big metal cutters to cut the lock off of the gate and of course, their lights are flashing and they're stopping traffic behind them on both sides.
They finally get the gate cut open and are about to drive in with the fire truck (by now you can't even tell that it was a car that's on fire) and this stupid lady who's been at the end of the line of cars waiting (because, you know, you're supposed to STOP when red lights are flashing, hello) crosses the double yellow lines to go around all the other stopped cars, and tries to squeeze inbetween the fire truck and the cars coming from the other direction!
Wow. Some people just amaze me. Anyhow she's trying to get through and can't get through, so of course Tim goes up to the car and says, "Hello! Do you mind backing up? I mean are you so goddamn important that you can't wait?" So she backs up her car and I'm trying to pretend that I don't know Tim (not working) and the fire trucks get through, and a police goes up to her and yells at her. I think she should have gotten a ticket. But, you know. Stupidity and superiority get away with things these days.
So that makes for an interesting day. I still want to know why the car was on fire.
----===-----
So after I got home from work today I was searching online to see if I could find out more about the fire. I couldn't find anything, but i DID find this article. The EXACT SAME THING happened down in OC, a car was intentionally set ablaze and started a huge fire just a couple days ago!! How weird is that??
ANAHEIM, Calif.- A wildfire burning among houses in the hills southeast of Los Angeles was ignited by flames from a stolen car that was intentionally set ablaze during strong Santa Ana winds, a fire official said Monday.
Orange County Fire Authority Battalion Chief Ed Fleming stopped short of calling it arson, however, because it wasn't clear if the intent was to start a wildfire or simply cover up criminal evidence.
"They have confirmed that it was a stolen car and that the car was intentionally ignited," Fleming said. "As we fight the fire, they are trying to come up with every lead possible to figure out who did this and why and what their motive was."
two nights ago, i was a pirate/dinosaur. i was doing drop box and had nothing to do, i started making dinosaur faces and big claws at james, who was working box. he's cool enough to make faces back at me, but three of my supervisors were standing behind me, watching and laughing. (yes, i knew they were behind me.) they just didn't get it. kyle asked: "what's that dance called?" and i replied, "thriller."
he didn't get it. i had to elaborate and say "michael jackson." i grabbed my crotch and threw my other hand in the air for effect. he got it.
so last night i laid in bed completely wide awake for over an hour. i think i might have been able to fall asleep, had i been able to shut my thoughts off. actually, i should rephrase that. had i actually decided to shut my thoughts off. they were going about a mile a minute, but the problem is that i like thinking way too much. it's too much fun to sift through a million thoughts and come to new conclusions about your day and fall asleep in mid-thought, still subconciously processing as you drift into an REM cycle.
although to make up for it i woke up late this morning in a complete deathlike slumber. i was so out of it i almost could have pushed myself into an out of body experience. my hands were already lifting out of themselves.
so anyway. now i get free coffee and free movies (i'm working at the movie theater and at starbucks) and i'm trying to find another job that pays better to replace AMC. preferably something on the computer. i spend so much damn time on this thing anyway, making graphics and pages and crap i might as well find someone that will pay me to do it. i'm in the process of starting up a new website, too, which is awesome. i've already done all of the graphics for it and the coding, i just need to host it and upload it and add all of the content, which is currently sitting in a bunch of different word documents, just waiting to be cut and pasted.
wow i think this is quite possibly one of the most boring entries i've ever written. i just felt like writing a blog though cause i haven't really written one in a while and i seriously miss all of you guys down in so cal. ... okay, that's not true. not all of you. some of you, i'm thinking to myself 'thank god! no more!!' lol. i would say just kidding, but i'm not. i miss a lot of you though. i want to come down in the next month and do karaoke with tiff and spend time with my mom and brother and pick up all the oil paints and stuff my mom is giving to me, and my canvases. we'll see. i have to get three days off from both my works to do that, but i can make it happen. i miss orange county a LOT. it's great up here and all, but... nothing compares to so cal. :)
i know my blog is titled dinosaurs and pirates, and has very little to do with either. BUT... they do both make me very, very happy.
so i was going through my old videos and found this trailer that tiff and i made. i totally forgot about it. but it made me happy, and it made me miss the good ol' times, when she used to beat me.
chipper
hungry