sex column:(Bi) Boys on the Side

Question to the Sexpert:
"I'm a woman in my late twenties and although I feel fairly sex savvy, I have a question of etiquette. I've been seeing this guy for a few months who is bi and is also seeing some other guy, which is cool with me. We get along great and the sex is fantastic but I don't see a lot of long-term potential for a variety of reasons. Meanwhile, I have recently also started seeing this other guy who seems like a better fit for a relationship but he not only lives somewhat far away, he also has told me he waits a fairly long time before having sex with anyone he dates- at least six months. This is fine with me but I want to know if it would still be OK for me to keep sleeping with the bi boy in the meantime. I mean, it's HIS rule to wait six months, so I figure he can wait all he wants and when he's ready, I can cut the other guy loose."

On one hand you have your Bangalicious Bi Boy…or maybe not in your hand, maybe he's somewhere else, and on the other hand, you have Long Term Relationship (LTR) Material Man who is making it very inconvenient for you to have orgasms together for the time being. You'd like a little from column A while column B bakes in the oven for 20-25 minutes and then cools long enough to be frosted.

You might have gleaned from previous columns that I'm one of those live-and-let-live, it's-none-of-my-business-what-you-do sex hippies and you might have written in hoping for some additional rationalizations to add to your already made up mind. And I'm sure you can find plenty of support from friends who've downed half a dozen vodka cranberries who say, "fuck it! Men get to do it all the time!" and maintain this is some great, progressive moment in the history of Sisterhood when women get to act just as duplicitously as the sleazeballs who've screwed them over.

Unfortunately, I am also one of those finger-wagging pains in the ass who insists all involved parties ought to be fully informed. LTR Material Man has decided he wants to have a waiting period before doing it with his significant others. That's fine. I mean, we make people wait a couple days before they get to buy a gun so we can do background checks and make sure they're not too crazy or too likely to kill us. And if he started his Countdown to Ignition with you now, he might be under the impression you kids are dating.

To be sure, if you two don't have a conversation about the fact you're dating exclusively, he really can't be upset if he assumes monogamy and you assume otherwise. He also can't demand behavior of you unless you, as a couple, agree together that you're going to act a certain way (for instance, not banging bi boys). But I know there is a part of you that recognizes keeping him willfully ignorant of your side job is for your benefit solely and not for the purposes of bolstering your foundation as a couple. You're free to start your LTR with secrets, but I'd be remiss as a sexpert if I actually said I suggest it.

And he's not the only one who ought to be kept in the loop. I'm not sure what Bi Boy knows about LTR Material Man and if he cares if you're pulling some side action too but I'm imagining he realizes he's in no position to object. And you'd be right to argue that since you're not sleeping with LTR Material Man that you're not putting Bi Boy at any risk and therefore, it's not his concern. It is, however, possible that he still has feelings (they have periodically been located in men) and thinks what you have is a polyamorous relationship, not just a fuck buddy set up. In which case, he might be kind of bummed you're using him for sex until something better decides it's time to open up shop.

But maybe not. Maybe he's as half-interested as you are and will be totally nonplussed by the idea you have already set the expiration date on your shenanigans together so you can run to bigger and better pastures. The only way to know is to talk about it.

So, if you want validation for your right to act as you please and keep the good times rolling while you set something more serious in motion too, then I'm the last person to stand in your way. There are plenty of ways this scenario could play out where you get exactly what you'd like and everyone could be happy. If, however, you're seeking my permission to keep secrets from lovers and give them false impressions of monogamy, then I'd suggest you keep looking.

Do you have a question or comment? Please email Timaree directly at sexpert@MarcLamontHill.com

9:20 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: fucking drama...literally

This column originally appeared at the Barbershop Notebookswhere Sex with Timaree runs every Monday.

Question to the Sexpert:

"I recently noticed an emotional pattern in my sexuality. I am addicted to taboo relationships. I have been in relationships with married men, "off limits" co workers, married women, people much older, much younger (legal age), professional contacts, and now a possible liaison with a stepbrother (no blood lines, thank you).
I only seem to be interested in taboo relationships. Even in my previous marriage I was usually more interested in exploring BDSM, having sex in unusual places, and just overall being kinky than I am just doing things in a normal way.  I know that part of it has to do with the fact that my first full sexual encounter was with an adult when I was a child who told me not to tell…..
Although I am not ready to completely alter my behavior (since I actually would like to find a real relationship with a person who likes what I like), I would like to hear your take on a person who feels a compulsive need to be in taboo encounters and/or relationships often times to the point of distraction."

Have you ever had a dog or cat who knew damn well that you were entirely uninterested in sharing your peanut butter cup ice cream but they tried to cute you into it? You're the one going "No. Bad Picklechips! Get down," and they're the one trying desperately to convince you that without a sampling of food they would surely die a wretched, horribly painful death within the next few minutes and it would be all your fault and wouldn't you feel bad then?

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a result of two things: you being a lazy pet owner who doesn't have the heart to train your animal properly and the fact they, like all developing creatures, feel the need to test their boundaries in order to find out what they can get away with.

You, like dogs, cats, teenagers and other wildlife, are doing what comes naturally: checking out the borders of the acceptable to ascertain the full range of behavioral options available to you sexually. While not everyone seeks out or accepts the advances of a non-biological sibling or takes a cat o' nine tails out for a test drive, if we are to continuing growing as people we must seek to find out what the world holds that we have not already tried.

A lot of people use other venues to engage in this exploration, some more adaptive (and legal and safe and healthy) than others: like rock climbing, drug use and participating in whip cream bikini contests despite wearing fugly underwear. While I don't know for certain that this behavior, which you label as compulsive, is your only outlet for seeking novelty, it seems like it's one of them.

As per my usual response to queries about non-traditional sexual behaviors, as long as everything is safe, sane and consensual and you feel like the consequences of your behavior are a positive force in your life, then knock yourself out, darlin. Neither I nor anyone else is in a position to judge you banging out someone, even if that person has a spouse and the sex is deleterious to their relationship and you're not obtaining their consent, even though they are clearly affected. I'd be lying if I didn't say it may not be good form and it may bring really bad results for you, them and their partners, but I've not to meet a person who had yet to make a decision that hurt someone else.

The question is, though, since you suggest you're not entirely interested in changing, what the issue is that inspired you to write in about it. You offer up potential causes for your interests, namely a childhood sexual experience with an adult that may or may not have been perceived as damaging (or affirming or both) as though you desire an explanation for pathology. You describe your dalliances as being compulsive and driving you "to the point of distraction" but don't give any examples of the sex as causing you heartache, depression or even a good old fashioned baseball bat to the windshield.

A therapist might say you seek these relationships because the taboos prevent you from having to genuinely commit to these people with whom you are involved; there is always the automatic out of "but, we musn't!" As long as you label these interactions as "wrong," you get both the thrill of being naughty and the easy exit strategy should things become too real for your taste. But a therapist would likely only guide you towards changing your behavior if you experience distress as a result of your sexual thrill seeking.

But, by all means, seek to have invigorating, exploratory, kinky sex that makes your heart (and other parts) flutter. I encourage that mightily.

If you'd like to change your ways, consider branching out in consensual BDSM or try out role-playing these inappropriate relationships instead. If you switch to role-play, you can go from simply hooking up with a professional contact in the bathroom stall to being the scandalous junior high teacher who takes great liberties with the naughty school student…or at least pretend to.

Do you have a question or comment? Please email Timaree directly at sexpert@MarcLamontHill.com

8:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: pregnant dude

This colum originally appeared at the Barbershop Notebooks where Sex with Timaree runs every Monday.

Question to the Sexpert:

"I read about the 'pregnant man' online. I saw somewhere that it might be a hoax and that the guy's neighbors never saw a baby bump. I guess I don't understand how it could be real. So is it? Is this person a man or a woman?"

It's understandable that you would be a tad confused about the matter, seeing as your folks likely sat you down some time ago and gave you some sort of speech about birds having sex with bees and then, nearly a year later, mommy's vagina was so stretched out that intercourse was like throwing a pencil down a mine shaft.

Nowhere in that story was an explanation apropos for the circumstances surrounding the story of Thomas Beatie, the man who, ten years ago, was a woman and who, two years ago, went off his monthly testosterone treatments so that he could carry a child for him and his wife.

Long story short, Thomas used to be called Tracy, and although he always felt very masculine, was a legally a woman until about a decade ago when he transitioned through top surgery (having all the breast tissue removed to create a flat, male chest appearance) and testosterone injections. He did not, however, have any surgery performed on his genitalia or internal reproductive organs. I don't know Thomas' specific reasons for opting to not have bottom surgery, but many female-to-male (FTM) transgender people don't because it's prohibitively expensive, difficult, painful and can result in loss of sexual function and a number of other issues.

Five years ago Thomas married his wife Nancy who, due to severe endometriosis, had a hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) that inhibits her from ever being pregnant. The pair still wanted to have a child and decided Thomas would go off testosterone and get pregnant. Sadly but unsurprisingly, they encountered a great deal of prejudice and unpleasantness from the medical community before finding a doctor who would help. After one ectopic pregnancy (the fertilized egg doesn't make it down to the uterus but implants in the fallopian tube), Thomas and Nancy succeeded in getting pregnant again and we now have a pregnant dude set to give birth in July. Mazel Tov.

What's interesting is that this isn't even the first transman to birth a child, yet people are plenty suspicious about the veracity of the pregnancy. And really, I don't blame them. You have to have some degree of familiarity with transgender issues to really comprehend the physics of the situation where a man has a clitoris so enlarged by testosterone treatment that he can have intercourse with his wife yet he can still carry and deliver an infant.

There are also instances of people faking these things before, too. Male pregnancy has plenty of fans out there: men who fantasize sexually about it and others who are just fascinated with the premise. There are also instances of fetus in fetu (where a person's undeveloped twin ends up inside their own body) that appeared like a pregnancy in a man and of people faking pregnancy and intentional miscarriage for the sake of shocking performance art, so I can appreciate some dubiousness when approaching things one reads.

But, yes, the pregnancy of Thomas Beatie, to my knowledge (who really knows? I've never met the man), seems real and is entirely physically possible.

You may argue that if he can get pregnant he's still a woman, even though he and the law say otherwise. You may argue that the whole thing is unnatural or weird or too much of a genderfuck for your taste.

You may even think that these folks missed a perfect opportunity to adopt a child that already existed and needed a loving home.

I'd agree with you on that last one, actually.

But every person has a right to determine what happens to his or her own body as well as how they identify and I wish them the absolute best of luck. If the child is going to have a chance at a normal, happy life, it will require people to treat the family with the fairness and respect that they deserve.

8:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: lots on her plate, not much in her bed

This column originally appeared at the Barbershop Notebooks where Sex with Timaree runs every Monday.

Question to the Sexpert:
"My boyfriend is a very hard worker (blue collar) which causes him to be very tired and achy all the time. Recently, his sex drive has taken a nose dive and this has made me quite frustrated. Before we'd have sex several times a week. Now I'm lucky to get it, and I have to initiate it. He seems to be only interested in sleep and watching sports. Recently, the IRS has been on him for back taxes and has garnished his check. He also has a lot of debt and is searching for a new job. I also recently found out I'm pregnant (hence the enhanced sex drive on MY part). Although he said he's excited but nervous about becoming a first time father, I'm sure this hasn't helped in easing his stress, even though we always talked about having a family one day. Of course, my first thought was 'he's cheating on me b/c I'm pregnant and gaining weight' but then I started to wonder if all that's going on has somehow really affected him mentally. I asked him if he was depressed and he said yeah, that he has a lot of problems but he doesn't want to talk about it. He apologized and left it at that. Please help me make sense out of all this."

I've got good news and bad news for you, missy. Which, I would imagine, is a lot like how it feels to get bumped from coach to first class and then seated next to Courtney Love.

GOOD NEWS
You have correctly identified a litany of reasons that a man might have diminished libido. Between physical exhaustion, debt, job stresses, fears related to impending first-time fatherhood, relationship dynamic changes associated with pregnancy and overall depression, it'd be rather strange state of affairs for your sex life to go on unperturbed. In fact, given his circumstances, if he was still up to banging 4 times a week, he'd be worthy of his own talk show and book deal. Consider yourself lucky you're smart enough to note all these factors and be glad that they are, for the most part, fixable.

BAD NEWS
Fixable does not mean the fixing comes easily. Debt reduction will take time, job searches can be a big pain in the ass, getting through depression can require a lot of energy and that baby in your stomach- well, it's not going to just say, "woah, it looks like you folks have a lot on your plate. Maybe I should come by later. How about I just stay in utero for 3 or 4 years and give you crazy kids a chance to get your shit settled?"

GOOD NEWS
You're definitely not alone in this boat. Loss of libido, for whatever reason, is one of the most common complaintssex therapists get and males are increasingly the ones with the waning interest.

Wait, is that really good news? Hmmm…. Let's take another stab at that.

ACTUAL GOOD NEWS
Counselors exist and they are available for people with delicate financial situations such as yours. Your boyfriend needs counseling, that's just an undeniable fact. He also needs some guidance from someone he respects who is already a father and I hope very sincerely that he can find a man who can assure him that he will be a fine dad and that things are difficult, but manageable.

Look into a counselor for his depression and maybe some couples sessions for the two of you to deal with the approaching baby. He might be able to get this covered by his work insurance. Otherwise, you can look up County services available in the phone book or by simply calling the operator. It wouldn't hurt for the two of you to go to parenting classes together either, it'll be an activity for you as a couple and might ease some of the fears that inevitably accompany an upcoming adventure of the sort you are facing.

He may be resistant to going, as some people are, but he clearly recognizes his unhappiness and if you ensure he's seeing help for his mental health, his libido will hopefully follow suit. Don't make the mistake of simply assuming this is an issue of him not wanting or giving you sex. Look at it more as a matter of him being in a general slump and needing your support, much as you will need his support to get through this time as well.

Important note: If his counselor should suggest he go on anti-depressants to assist in the treatment, make sure he makes them aware of the low libido effect he's already having as it will influence which medications are suggested. Wellbutrin is a prescription used to treat depression that does not carry the same sexual side effects many of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors have.

So, ultimately, it seems like you're a smart woman, observant and thoughtful and that you care about him and are willing to see things from his perspective. That's an incredible gift. Not only for you and him but also for the child you'll be bringing into the world. Let's nip this in the bud now so that when your little one arrives, it'll be a purely joyous occasion.

7:34 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: on a scale of 3 to 13...

This column originally appeared at the barbershop notebooks where Sex with Timaree runs every Monday.

Question to the Sexpert:

"What do women REALLY want from men in terms of sexual endurance?  I saw the following column today in the Chicago Tribune:"

Survey: The best sex lasts 3 to 13 minutes
NEW YORK — A survey of sex therapists concluded that the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes.
The findings, to be published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, strike at the notion that endurance is the key to a great sex life.
If that sounds like good news to you, don’t cheer too loudly. The time does not count foreplay, and the therapists did rate sexual intercourse that lasts from 1 to 2 minutes as "too short."  Click here to read the rest of the article.

I will reveal two truths to you that are so undeniable and so universally applicable that the rest of this response might be unnecessary (although you should keep reading because it’s chock full o’ meaty goodness).

Truth 1: Damn near every time a study/researcher/resident know-it-all says, "Members of this group REALLY want X" there is a substantial portion of that group that says "Nuh uh. Not me." Take the 2004 election as a perfect example. And as far as you know, your sex partner is part of that smaller group, so listen to them instead of listening to some dude from Penn State Erie.

Truth 2: Mainstream media, the people so dense that they are only now realizing that Paris Hilton serves the sole function of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide and is not worthy of 24/7 news coverage, are not the best at presenting research findings in their appropriate context.

As I do not have access to advance copies of the journal in which the study is going to be published, I have just plunged through the press release as reported by a few different outlets and found a few items worth pointing out.

THIS IS JUST COUNTING PENILE-VAGINAL INTERCOURSE
While doubtlessly important to a lot of people and a centerpiece of our cultural ideas of what constitutes "having sex," I think we can all agree that there is more to sexuality than inserting tab A into slot b and then calling it a day.  I mean, when was the last time you were just standing there, devoid of sexual thoughts and then all of a sudden, without warning, kissing or even a "Hi, my name is…" BAM- you are having intercourse? So a study saying 3-13 minutes is best is not counting anything leading up to the moment of insertion and doesn’t account for the time spent afterwards, where you are luxuriating in an oxytocin and vasopression wash and wondering what the other person’s name is and/or what’s in the fridge.

I REPEAT, THIS IS JUST COUNTING PENILE-VAGINAL INTERCOURSE
As we’ve covered plenty times before, the vast majority of females don’t reliably orgasm from penetration by a penis. This study is not saying "for best results, fuck your lady friend for approximately 3-13 minutes." This isn’t counting the stuff most people call "foreplay," which, for many women and men, is the best part of sex: playing, sucking, licking, stroking, groping, kissing, etc.  Not only does this study perpetuate the idea that intercourse is the end-all, be-all, it forgets that if you REALLY want to know what women want, it’s usually a good dollop of cunnilingus or a Hitachi Magic Wand.

Ahem…. THE STUDY ACTUALLY SAID THE IDEAL WAS CLOSER TO 13.
To clarify, according to the researchers, the results actually showed that the sex therapists surveyed said 7 to 13 minutes was "desirable," while 3-7 was considered "adequate" so stretching out the range so widely is a little misleading. I’m not trying to knock any guys who are giving out consistent, solid 4 minute performances. I will definitely argue for quality over quantity. I’m just trying to show that newspapers headlines are not the end of the story and that again, you need to talk to your partner and see what the hell they want, not what some copyeditor at the Times Picayune thought was worth putting in bold letters.

THIS ISN’T EVEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT
Australian sex therapists responding to the study pointed out that it’s usually men who think intercourse needs to last longer and that women are more likely say 3-7 minutes is preferable. Much longer and you’re running out of lubrication, dealing with cricks in your neck from holding weird positions and the fact the taxes still aren’t done. Shit! My taxes!

TAKE OFF THAT STOPWATCH, MISTER
Are you worried about this study for some reason? Well, don’t be. Like I said before, quantity is nothing compared to quality. Anyone who is so concerned with the endurance facet of intercourse that they time the act to the minute is not focusing on the right stuff and is likely not getting as much enjoyment as they could be…and neither is their partner who totally notices you looking at that clock over their shoulder.

FINAL THOUGHTS
I’ve written before about prolonging sexytime and you are welcome to try out some ideas for making intercourse last longer. But if it takes the receiving partner 10 minutes to climax and the penetrator only lasts 4, then bring out a sex toy to run the final lap. That’s what they’re for, people.

But the whole point of this study was to get rid of some of those fantasy notions about all men needing to have rock hard cocks ready to go at any time, lasting as long as your whims dictate. We also need to rid ourselves of the notion all women need to have giant breasts or be able to lubricate at the mere sight of an erection. If you got those things, fine. If you don’t, fine. The point should be intimacy, enjoyment, pleasure within the experience and having fun, not going for some kind of fucking trophy (literally).

Do you have a question or comment? Please email Timaree directly at sexpert@MarcLamontHill.com

9:15 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: no, really, how many times a week?

This column originally appeared at the barbershopnotebooks where Sex with Timaree runs every Monday.

Question to the Sexpert:

"One of the common themes of your columns is that there really isn’t any criteria to benchmark sexual activity, and what is "normal" to one individual can be call crazy, distorted or abnormal to another. However, knowing this, I have to ask you this common question: How frequently should couples engage in sex on a weekly, monthly, or even yearly basis? I know you would say, "to each his own", but I am interested in your personal opinion of how often a typical married couple might engage. Is 3 times a week uncommon and unrealistic? Is once a week sort of the norm?"

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? And by that I mean the beginning of the relationship, when you thought your partner was pretty much the reason the Earth continued to orbit around the Sun, or more specifically, her ass was the reason. Odds are good you were having more sex back then. You continued on the path towards your current location, I’m guessing, the way most couples do and you’ve now found yourself looking back longingly at days of yore where the streets were cleaner and sex was plentiful. What was different about those days? Plenty.

Your Brain
The first 18-36 months of a romantic relationship are unique because not only do you not yet know all the little annoying habits your partner has and you can project on them hopes and aspirations that are not remotely in line with the reality of who they are but you also have the benefit of being high as a fucking kite on the same brain chemicals that get people hooked on heroin. Between the effects of dopamine, epinephrine and serotonin you’re as whacked out as Pete Doherty on the drug of love at first, a phenomenon which inevitably fades (and is hopefully replaced by something more substantial).

Your Body
Not knowing how old you are I can’t assume bad hips, arthritis and other ailments of age are playing a part in the diminished amount of sex in your life, although they play a major role in the fact that the older a couple is, the less often they engage in sexual activity. Well, that and the fact they have to have sex with other old people. That’d slow me down too. In addition to barriers like joint pain, age brings difficulty with erections and lubrication and, most tragically, alterations in physical appearance that can be near deal-breakers. Married life often leads to weight gain and having children exacerbates the issue for both partners.

Your Behavior/Life
Having kids also means a big time suck that leaves parents drained of energy. Many people can’t fathom spending time licking inner thighs when there’s so much damn laundry to do. Romance goes right out the door for many people who get used to each other and take for granted the strength of the relationship. I mean, are you still opening doors and bringing flowers home?

Novelty
The biggest factor though, is novelty. According to the law of diminishing marginal utility, the more a good is available and consumed, the less it is appreciated, so having the same sex all the time is going to become less and less appealing to people. This is especially true if you have a pat routine down where your wife can fully expect that after x amount of time your head will be at location y and at time z you will be inserting tab a into slot b.

Study after study finds that couples in their twenties have the most sex, about 2-3 times per week on average with cohabitating (non-married) couples and gay male couples having the most. Most married couples have sex about 7 times per month. Consistently studies also find the amount decreases with time and when controlling for other factors, the biggest reason is lack of novelty and the decrease is most dramatic in the first few years after the wedding.

Other considerations:
There are also theories that taking into account quality versus quantity is important. If couples get really good at being sexual together they might be more efficient about the time they devote to the act, getting together less times but maneuvering around the equipment more agilely.

And what are you counting as sex? If all you want is penile vaginal intercourse, then prepare yourself for a slow and steady decline of your sex life, leading to eventual death. Reconsider the value of hand jobs, making out and other activities that sustained you through your adolescent years. As Dan Savage has pointed out, straight men might think differently about how much sex they want if every time they had sex they had to be the one getting fucked. It changes one’s perspective on the matter.

What To Do
Obviously I’ve made it this far and haven’t told you the ’right’ amount of sex to have per week. It’s because I don’t think that’s what you really wanted. What I can do for you is suggest you consider a few tactics that might increase the amount you are having to a level that is more to your liking.
1.    Spend more time doing nurturing, romantic crap that you think is a waste of time that improves your relationship and shows your wife the side of you she used to have more sex with.
2.    Introduce some new flash into the repertoire. Buy a blindfold, vibrating panties and riding crop. Do it up against a hall closet, try getting pegged in the butt, something, anything to mix it up. If she absolutely knows what’s behind Door Number One of your sex life, it’s a lot easier to say no.
3.    Exercise. I know, I know, I say this all the time. It’s because it’s fucking true. Your testosterone rates will rise and you’ll feel and look better and she’ll see it.
4.    Accept the fact that you don’t get laid as much as you did in college. Realize that this lack of banging has been replaced by much more substantial, important stuff that will last you for much longer.

Good luck to you and your goal of getting to three times a week.

Do you have a question or comment? Please email Timaree directly at sexpert@MarcLamontHill.com

8:52 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: spitting and blue balls: undefeatable combo

Question to the Sexpert:

"After reading your column it made me think of another thing that porn seems to have contributed to society: spitting on your partner’s genitalia.  When did spit become sexy (not to mention the resulting licking it back up)?  The other question I have is: what is the cause of what is affectionately referred to as "blue balls"?  Is it simply the continual rushing of blood to the area from over-stimulation causing pressure, in effect like a bruise?  Is there any way to prevent other than "release" before over-stimulation or avoiding the over-stimulation altogether?"

Ahh, porn. Thanks for your invaluable contributions to society, your additions to modern sexual activity, your embellishments into our collective consciousness and your hideous fashion trends. 

Some of the more interesting gifts introduced to many American lives from modern pornography include: compulsory shaved pubic hair, the popularity of heterosexual anal intercourse, fake breasts, advances in home video technology, bleached anuses, the illumination of previously obscure fetishes like furries and looners, collagen lip injections, facials, awkward and not terribly satisfying sexual positions, and the massive explosion in popularity of personal computers and the interweb on which you are now reading this column. Thanks, Porn!

The whole "spitting on your partner’s genitalia" thing, though, does come from utilitarian origins.  While the practice might now carry direct erotic undertones for some porn viewers who have come to associate the practice with sexual pleasure, it really does serve a purpose: as a lazy person’s lube. Don’t have a handy bottle of KY Liquid as you’re about to shtupp some hottie in the middle of the woods? Use your own saliva! It may not last as long but the supply is relatively endless until you become dangerously dehydrated.

The practice of licking up/playing in/sharing, etc the liquids that result from sexual activity could be due to a couple things: general fluid play (sex involves a lot of fluids and they come to be eroticized or just fun) and as we discussed in the facials/"superman dat ho" blog the other week, there may be some degree of degradation.

So let’s say all this sexy spitting/snowballing talk has gotten you all riled up at your desk at work. Now you’re stuck with a raging pair of blue balls, unable to settle down as coworkers start entering your cubicle at this, the least opportune of times, to chat about the last fucking episode of Lost. What are you going to do?

Well, you’re going to learn what blue balls are and why you feel that slightly painful heaviness in your pelvis. As per last week’s column about penile tumescence, when a man gets sexually aroused, the penis and testicles fill with blood that stays in the area, not rushing back to the body as quickly as it normally would. If the man ejaculates, the blood starts heading back fairly quickly, relieving the pressure.

If it doesn’t, the blood darkens with the lack of new oxygen and sometimes takes on a bluish tone, causing a feeling of weight and heaviness due to the increased volume, since the testicles increase in size from 25-50 percent due to vasocongestion.

The same thing happens to women, too. Female genitals become engorged with blood, causing the labia to puff up, the clitoris to become erect and the vaginal walls to squeeze out the natural lubrication within, causing the experience of wetness. Women also can feel heaviness and discomfort in their pelvic region if the engorgement is not relieved through orgasm.

Yet, we don’t hear about "blue lips" much in popular culture. Odds are this is because the sensation of blue balls is, while physically uncomfortable, is more a matter of unbearable frustration and disappointment than unbearable pain. And men, who are told they should be sexually aggressive and also told they are entitled to sexual enjoyment, perceive this discomfort to be the most absolutely dreadful thing… and that it won’t possibly ever go away.

Solutions to blue balls? You can’t really proactively prevent them, unless you can control your erections through mind power. Too late to prevent your hard-on? Masturbate, have someone else masturbate you, or just find something to keep you occupied while you wait for the time to pass and things to return to normal. You could always try that old "cold shower" treatment too and see how that works out too. Good luck with that.

Currently watching : Michael Clayton (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 19 February, 2008

8:19 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: how’s it hanging?

This column originally appeared at the barbershopnotebooks.com where Sex with Timaree runs every Monday.

Question to the Sexpert:

I was wondering how common it is for guys to point down when they are hard.  An ex-boyfriend’s penis would get erect but it would point at his shoes and not his nose.   I never thought to ask him if he was born that way.  Also, are there specific positions that would work for that situation?  We only did it one way: he was on top and I had to tip my hips funny.  Any other way we tried was either painful for him or me.  Just curious.

Oh. good. god.

Sometimes I get these questions about serious, even painful and tragic topics in sexuality and the task of writing something even remotely humorous about it seems overwhelming…and a little tacky.

But here you’re giving me a question about wieners curving downward.

Too. many. jokes. Can’t. function. I am going to require every regular reader to leave his/her own whimsical comments about penile curvature in the comments section.

Anyway. The short answer is: it’s not uncommon and sexual positioning is a real concern that can really only be figured out through imagination, experimentation and practice. That’s not bad homework.

Penile erections occur because the cavernous smooth muscles inside the penis, which are constantly contracted while the penis is flaccid (soft), become engorged with blood. Collagen fibers cause the straightening out of the penis, which makes the tissue stiffer. Generally speaking, the angle formed by the erection is influenced by the size and weight (heavy wieners, obviously, are harder to keep pointing upwards), and the attachment of the ligaments to the pubic region.

But the penis isn’t just one long tubular muscle, it’s composed of three chambers: the corpus spongiosum and the two corpora cavernosa. If the spongiosum is shorter than the other two chambers, the penis will bend downwards when hard. Johnsons can also bend to the side or any other direction based on the structure of those three parts.

That is one possible explanation for your ex’s southward pointing pocket rocket. And it’s almost certainly the explanation if his penis has always behaved that way. However, he could have acquired the downward trend. There is possibility the curvature is due to trauma or more likely, Peyronie’s disease: which is due to plaques that develop in the tunica albuginea (don’t worry about the specifics, it’s a tissue in the weiner).

Peyronie’s disease tends to develop in men in middle age, especially in men of Northern European descent. Now there’s something to think about on this day of celebrating Irishness.

Plaques and scar tissues in the penis prevent the organ from expanding at that part, which means the whole thing curves around that section. Among men under 40 there is only a 1.5% incidence of Peyronie’s disease, but among older men the rates are much higher.

The most severe cases result in erections that curve so dramatically that the penis forms a circle or even a corkscrew-ish appearance.  Even without that crazy amount of curvature, any degree of Peyronie’s can lead to erectile dysfunction and painful intercourse for both partners, as you mentioned. Fortunately, it’s very treatable with surgery.

Without knowing more about your ex’s specifics, I wouldn’t be able to guess which one was the culprit of his unit bending: naturally occurring curve or a condition.  For future reference on the sex position tip, I would also suggest trying reverse cowgirl (you on top, facing in the direction of his feet) and seeing if that does anything for you. But again, I’d need more specifics on the angle.

So, long story short: weiner curves happen. Like snowflakes and fart smells, penises come in all varieties, each with its own unique beauty and wonder. And with that, I wish you a Happy St. Patty’s Day!

Do you have a question or comment? Please email Timaree directly at sexpert@MarcLamontHill.com

Currently watching : For The Bible Tells Me So Release date: 19 February, 2008

7:22 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: politics of ejaculation location

Question to the Sexpert:

"I'm not sure if this is a question that can be answered or not, maybe there is some book of proper sexual etiquette. My friends and I were discussing the politics of where to ejaculate. Like, is it ever acceptable for a guy to come on someone's face? They do it in porn all the time. I think that ejaculating anywhere except inside the body is really disrespectful but my friend said he had an ex who thought it was hot. Is there a standard rule on this?"

While I don't think that any amount of Googling is going to find you Ms. Mincemeat's Etiquette Book for Facials, there are basic tenets to being a polite sex partner.

1. Get consent for everything.

2. Communicate your thoughts, feelings and desires honestly and specifically.

3. Be respectful of boundaries, practice safety and follow behavioral agreements.

This list is certainly not exhaustive and there are clear exceptions that will come to mind and can be figured out by any reasonable person, like perhaps you don't actually have to ask for permission to give your spouse of 5 years a peck on the cheek but you ought to be understanding if the same aforementioned spouse doesn't want to be surprised by a 3 foot long flogger/anal intruder while washing the dinner dishes.

So, from this knowledge, we can ascertain that, like all other sexual activities, blowing a load on someone's face, chest or back is something that ought to follow some degree of conversation that involves obtaining consent for such an event.

When it comes to ejaculations specifically there are a few factors that need to be taken into account when a man is determining, "hmm.. should I shoot my wad here?"

Disease and Pregnancy

While coitus interruptus (pulling out) is technically a method of preventing pregnancy (although not the most reliable), it does zero good in preventing the spread of sexually transmitted infections. In fact, if we're talking about the herp, you could potentially blind a partner by coming on their face and getting the virus in their eyes. And open sores or cuts on any part of the body can mean disease transmission if there's contact with bodily fluid. For this reason, unless both partners are 100% certain of their disease status, always use a barrier like a condom or dental dam.

Remember the Blue Dress?

There are also practice considerations at play, like making a damn mess.  Don't ruin someone's hair, make up or outfit if they still have to go about their day after this tryst. That's basic courtesy, folks.

Basic Manners

Let's be frank here. Of all the people I can think of named Timaree, I am likely the least judgmental about sexual kinks. That said, being into getting one's face splooged might be one of those things that is specific to folks into degradation or those simply with interest in body fluids. Many partners, if asked, will find it a tad offensive and for good reason.

The act of ejaculating on someone without their consent is considered sexual assault in many places. Unfortunately, these laws were often passed after some unfortunate person was disrespected by some asshole who didn't otherwise assault them and could only be charged with a misdemeanor. The point remains, it's not a small deal to ask of someone.

So your friend claims to have an ex who loved hot man juice all over her face. OK, maybe he does. Some women and men are into that. But I've also found men say "exes" liked things in conversation simply because they want to hear you talk about it… and more specifically, the odds you'll be into it.

Thanks, Porn. Thanks a whole lot.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the effect of porn. Like big fake boobs, the exponential increase in anal sex among young people and shaved labia, you can thank pornography for the notion that after a good fucking, there's nothing better than a facial.

Perhaps it's the degradation factor; perhaps it's merely porn consumer's preoccupation with having visible evidence of the male star's orgasm. An industry secret is that often the stuff seen is actually not ejaculate but rather a mixture of kitchen ingredients slathered on later for the money-shot obsessed viewers. Nonetheless, the practice is common enough that people get used to the idea and start to wonder why they aren't following suit.

The Moral of the Story

Plenty of people have found that after bringing a male partner to orgasm the best solution for them in terms of ejaculate distribution/disposal is to swallow. Others find coming into a towel is the best practice. Many consider it inappropriate to remove the penis from wherever it was that got it to that point and others have decided they are big fans of the chest/back/face splooge. Good for all of them. The important thing is that everyone was informed, consenting and enjoying it.

Currently reading : Sex, Time, and Power: How Women's Sexuality Shaped Human Evolution By Leonard Shlain Release date: 27 July, 2004

7:24 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: what shoe size can really mean

This column originally appeared at the barbershop notebooks where Sex with Timaree runs every Monday.

Question to the Sexpert:

"I've seen you answer a lot of weird questions on here but I don't think you've ever addressed penis size. Is there any way you can figure out how big a guy's penis is by looking at him, like shoe size or how long his fingers are or anything? Are there any studies on this?"

A good friend of mine worked for several years as a driver for an escort agency. As a result of her ceaseless encounters with naked men when she knocked on the door to inform them their hour was up, she developed what she considered to be a foolproof prediction system for a man's penis size just by looking at him fully clothed.

She claimed tall, thin men often had the longest members, and since "nothing grows in the shade," big bellies= small johnsons. There has never been empirical examination of her specific theory but from conversations with a variety of individuals, I've found anecdotal evidence my friend's theory seems to hold water.  And frankly, that may be the as reliable as the peer reviewed studies that have been performed.

It's not as though no one has ever studied this. Men have been obsessed with the relative sizes of their wieners since time immemorial and science has obliged their fascination. Stereotypes have permeated about body parts whose sizes correlate with penis length and girth, including, as you mentioned, fingers and feet, and even noses.

Here's what research shows us:

• There is no sure-fire correlation with body parts, although there are sometimes individual studies that do find big hands and feet often accompany other parts of impressive size while age and height are other strong predictors.
• The difference between the penis sizes of men who identify as gay and those who identify as straight is statistically significant, with man-loving men coming out larger. Chalk one up for the homos, eh?
• There are variations in genital size based on race, or more specifically continent of ancestral origin, with Africans, South American, Europeans and Asians having small but measurable mean differences.
• The average American male has an erect penis around 5.6 incheslong, although most men overestimate what size is average, thanks to porn and American women place far more importance on penile girth than length, anyway.
• Condoms probably ought to come in a greater variety of sizes, due to the wide variation between bodies but there is no specific correlation between size and condom breakage/slippage.

But, before you refuse to date short straight Asian men with small feet, you should be aware of the tremendous difficulties with this kind of research. Some studies only rely on self-report of penis size, leaving room for inconsistent measuring technique (from the abdomen, from the balls?) and outright lying.

There is also the very real possibility of a self-selection bias, since maybe only certain types (and sizes) of men would volunteer for wiener-measuring studies.

So, to answer your question: yes and no. Feel free to make snap judgments for casual bar bets but don't pony up more of a wager than you can painlessly afford to lose.

For gents who are reading this and filling to the brim with anxiety: calm down. You can always go read the piece I wrote about whether or not sizes matters here. You can also shave your pubic hair or just look at the damn thing from another direction (like from the side or below) since it looks a lot littler from the vantage point of your head.  Those things will create an illusory extra inch or so.

The only proven way to add practical length is to lose abdominal fat (think back to my friend's "nothing grows in the shade" comment) and build ab muscles to project your penis out further.  But then, I've been telling ya'll forever about how much exercise will change your sex life!

Currently reading : Flying Lessons: The Psychology of Intimacy and Anxiety By John A. Snyder Release date: 01 December, 2005

6:18 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: dripping faucets, Niagara Falls and Old Faithful

Question to the Sexpert:

"Ok I'm going to cut right to the chase: please uncover the mystery of female ejaculation and overall vaginal wetness.  Some women are like dripping faucets, Niagara Falls and even Old Faithful so why does it vary so much?"

Ahh, yes, the age-old question of "what is that coming out of your vagina?"

While both general vaginal lubrication and female ejaculation involve liquids emanating from the same basic region, you're actually asking about two separate functions within the female body.

Let's start from the beginning of getting wet, also known as: seeing images of Ryan Reynolds without a shirt. Well, sometimes it doesn't start that way. Sometimes panties get moist for no good reason and sometimes full-on sexual activity doesn't elicit any reaction. Why? Well, because, that's why.

Let's say you are on certain birth control like Ortho-Cyclen or Depo Provera, taking allergy meds that dry up your sinuses, are drunk, are smoking (whatever), or are taking antidepressants, there is a possibility things will be a tad drier downstairs. Even getting a dirty hot lap dance from Rihanna can't guarantee that your vagina will start gearing up for action. There are also diminished effects caused by stress, pregnancy and just being at certain points in the menstrual cycle. So, as you are probably already gathering, this is not a cut and –errr- dry matter.

The point is that the Bartholin's glands, which are located just slightly below and to the left and right of the opening of the vagina (there are two of them in total), secrete mucous when they become engorged with blood, pushing out the moisture that had been residing in the cells. Estrogen and hydration play a huge role in how much lubrication is created, which is why women after menopause (who are not making nearly as much of their own estrogen) often have big issues with keeping things slippery enough.

If a woman ejaculates, however, it's an entirely separate process stemming from a different pair of glands, namely, the Skene's glands, located above the opening of the vagina, near the urethra. Now you've probably heard someone authoritatively saunter up to the conversation declaring that female ejaculation is not real or that the resulting fluid is actually just urine. Next time that person says that, you can pat them gently on the shoulder and say, "nice try, dipshit."

Now they're not total dipshits, just a little bit of a dipshit, like the people who think to themselves, "you know what? Today I'm gonna go buy a pair of Crocs." And I say that because even the most eminent researchers in the field of female sexual response are not a hundred percent certain about how female ejaculation works, why it happens and why the composition of the fluid varies so much from woman to woman.

When analyzed in a lab, the ejaculate is usually found to contain prostatic fluid, which scientists had previously thought was only created in the male prostate. The samples also usually contain some degree of urine too, but these women are not just peeingall over or anything.

But, as you mentioned, not all women are gushers and some gushers have comparatively dry orgasms and we really aren't entirely certain why. There is likely a connection between the ejaculatory response and G spot orgasms but brand new research  is showing that perhaps not all women even have G spots and that they appear in a variety of sizes, which would account for the vast differences between one partner and another. Other research implies that women might ejaculate all the time, without knowing it because the fluid shoots backwards into the bladder instead of being expelled.

So, in order to answer as concisely as your question was written: bodies are different and that's fine and healthy and to find out the full ins, outs and whys of this matter, researchers are going to have to do a lot more work. In the meantime, just enjoy the vaginas to which you have access and appreciate them for being the unique little snowflakes they are.

Currently watching : Ladron Que Roba A Ladron (Wide Screen) Release date: 29 January, 2008

7:36 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: freaked out by fantasy

Question to the Sexpert:

"You said something a couple weeks ago about faux rape fantasies. It was just in passing, in the middle of your response about a woman who had a guy try to go in the backdoor without asking. But it really struck a chord with me. I find myself thinking about being raped sometimes during sex and it really turns me on. But I feel really bad afterwards because I think I must be fucked up. I've never been raped in real life that I remember. Is it normal to fantasize about being raped? Does it mean I was raped as a child and repressed it?"..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

As much as it may be distasteful to say so, and as much as many people will not understand, I can reassure you that your fantasy is not only common, but actually one of the most frequently reported secret sexual fantasies of women.

For whatever reason (and a variety abound), women who take every precaution to prevent a sexual assault in real life because they don't literally want to be raped, get off on the idea of a sexy stranger taking complete control over them.

The most important thing that I can interject at this point is while a woman or man may have dreams about being grabbed by a stranger in a van or surprised by an intruder with more on his mind than stealing the TV, it does not actually mean those people want to be sexually assaulted, have ever been assaulted before (although they may have) or would be undamaged by an actual attack. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes something fantasy and not an actual game plan. 

Some common theories about why this fantasy is so appealing to so many:

1). Power and dominance. What is happening in these fantasies varies greatly depending on the person. There may be anything from gentle molestation by a stranger on a crowded subway to violent, degrading forced acts, depending on the whims of the thinker. But the common theme is loss of power and control.

We know that power (ever have a partner dress up in a uniform, perhaps?), taking advantage of authority positions (naughty school teacher, anyone?) and control (handcuffs, maybe) are incredibly well known and influential sexual motivators. For every person who gets red hot from thinking about dominating someone, there is often another who wants to be dominated. And sometimes, the more independent and powerful a person is in real life, the more they enjoy getting a break and playing submissive. It lets them, in many ways, be lazy and just sit back and enjoy while their partner has to come up with all the ideas.

2) Have you seen the cover of a romance novel lately? Women get sold the notion of a sexual "ravaging" being a good way for a romantic night to turn out. It's wild, animalistic and spontaneous, three things often sorely lacking from the bedrooms of many women. Perhaps their own schema for a time when buckwild nasty hard fucking is in a messed up situation like an assault.

3) Sex guilt. Let's suppose you grew up in a culture that told women they were not allowed to be sexual, that good girls don't want sex and that the best thing for young ladies to learn in sex ed is about refusal skills. Hey, guess what? You do live in that culture and many women's sexual desires are repressed, pushed down and ignored out of social desires to be "good." But those sex drives do not go away. They just come back in another form, where the hot, raging action happens and the sweet young lady can't say no, therefore it's not her fault, therefore she can't be held accountable for the sexual response of her body.

Pretty messed up, right? We have actually managed to convince some people that their innate desires are so wrong that the only way they know how to express their fantasies without being overwhelmed by guilt is to take away consent from the equation.

4) Wanting to be wanted. One thing that I've found universally gets strippers more tips and partners to orgasms faster: looking like you're really into it. You see a dancer who appears to love her work and looks like she's working herself up over the idea of performing, she will almost invariably score more lapdances than the lady who communicates to everyone nonverbally that she's only here to pay off bills.

Generally, we want to be wanted and want our partners to be so overcome by desire for us that they cannot control themselves. Taking that need to the nth degree, you'll get folks who are turned on by the idea that someone is so overpowered by attraction that they can't hold back.

5) Learned response. Unfortunately, real life un-fantasy sexual assault happens. Because our bodies are not always in line with our brains, sometimes victims of assault have the sexual responses of arousal and orgasm during an assault. And sometimes survivors come to associate sex and assault as being closely related afterwards, triggering intense feelings of guilt and anguish because it may feel like they somehow wanted the attack or deserved it. These folks often have the hardest time dealing with why they have rape fantasies because the actual event was so negative for them, yet they can't help but responds to the thoughts.

7:23 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

sex column: you mean I can just BUY one?

Question to the Sexpert:

"My best friend and I have been friends since college. He's smart, funny and makes good money. He has never had a hard time getting girls. He has better luck than I do, actually. But after his last girlfriend of over a year broke up with him, he started talking about Russian mail order brides. I thought he was joking. I didn't even know that was real or at least not anymore. But he has found some companies online that will introduce him to a bunch of women if he flies over there and pays them tens of thousands of dollars. He keeps saying he "might as well," and that "he could really change some woman's life for the better." I think it's messed up, he's on the rebound, taking advantage of desperate women when he could easily find an American woman. Am I wrong? Isn't this prostitution?"

I'm going to ask you, for a moment, to pretend your best friend is a mouse.  Yes, I know; bear with me here. Your best mouse friend, like all mice, naturally seeks out yummy mouse food like cheese or microwave burritos.  Now imagine that after acquiring a particularly yumtastic microwave burrito and popping it into his little rodent microwave, he takes a giant bite and is shocked with an awful bolt of electricity that sends waves of pain all through his furry little body. Maybe it turns out