Tim’s 2007 Oscar Extravaganza!
Current mood: tired

Oh.  My.  Gawd!  It's been quite a while since I've posted on this blog, which is mostly due to actually being employed with the school newspaper full time and just being lazy.  But after the Academy of Motion Pictures released their lists of Oscar nominations, I felt I had to defend my anti-perfect Oscar prediction record of 0-4 from last year.  I will take the three biggest categories of the year—Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Actress—then randomly pick a fourth category. 

I had been planning on doing this post by myself, but my dog Bear has literally been hounding me (get it? get it? GET IT YOU FUCKS?!) to return to internet writing glory.  So to join me in my Oscar prognostications is my good pal Bear, the squishiest dog on the internet!

Best Picture

The Nominees:  "Babel," "The Departed," "Letters from Iwo Jima," "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen"

Tim:  So, much like last year, I have not seen one of these films.  Does this make me a bad person?  Because I am, but I want to know if that is the reason for it?  Whatever, you can't answer me because you are a reader and none of my readers ever give me feedback, allowing me to continue to wallow in my rut of awful, miserable writing.  The fact that I haven't seen any of these fine films presents a difficult situation for me to try to pick one as a winner, since there isn't even any real story line behind these pictures like last year with "Brokeback Mountain" to base my decisions off of.  I'll be forced to use Persian logic to sort this out, a form of logic I am well versed in. 

I'm going to rule out "Little Miss Sunshine" because that's a comedy and the Academy hates comedies worse than it hates black people.  "The Queen" isn't going to win because we aren't going to let those limey bastards think we're letting them off the hook yet for burning down our capital in the War of 1812.  "Letters from Iwo Jima" might win, but I think we're all quite sick of Clint Eastwood and this constant bullshit of his where he directs at least one excellent film a year, so he goes into the "loser" category.  This leaves me with "Babel" and "The Departed"... hm... Babel... Babel... that sounds like something a baby might say.  From what I understand, "Babel" is another one of those multiple storyline-ensemble films, a la "Syrianna" or last year's winner, "Crash."  I'm a sucker for weaving, interconnected storylines, and so is the Academy apparently after picking "Crash" over the other four more deserving films last year.  I'm going to pick "Babel" as my winner, and as a bonus pick, I say Scorsese loses in the Best Director category as well.  I say this because not only do I have a 4 out of 5 chance of being right, but also because I love seeing Scorsese fans whine and moan about how he doesn't have an Oscar yet.  Hey, I'm not married to Scarlett Johansson yet, and everyone knows I fucking deserve that, but you don't see me bitching about it on every IMDB page. 

Here's my message to Scorsese and his fans—life's tough.  Dry your tears, change your diapers and move on.  Go watch "Gangs of New York" again and appreciate the sweetness that is the Butcher, it'll make you forget all about this Academy Award business.

Tim's Pick:  Babel

Bear:  well seeing as how i'm a dog and all and have NO RIGHTS such as going to see movies in public, i have also not seen any of these wonderful motion pictures woof.  this is a sticking point for me and many doggies like me because how are we supposed to write about movies when our good friends like tim tim ask us to when we can't even walk into a movie theater??  IT IS BULLSHIT IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLACK??  if i was a white lab would i be let into the front of the theater with bells and whistles blaring?  (sidenote: i get very happy when i hear bells or whistles) or if i was two-legged animal with critical thinking skills and a sense of shame?  would marcus theaters let me in THEN?  just because i bark all the time and might poop on the floor in fear from the super loud noises of the movie doesn't mean i can't enjoy movies like you or the person sitting next to you.  is my money not as good as the next white person's?  I AM A LARGE BREED PUPPY AND I DEMAND ANSWERS NOW, PRESIDENT BUSH!!!1

to get back on the subject, i think "the departed" will win because i heard someone on the E! network telling me that it should win.  E! is my favorite tv station because it has lots of pictures and the words are so simple I DON'T DO MUCH READING YOU SEE JUST MAGAZINES because those have pictures too.  E! also talks about awesome people like paris hilton and britney spears because i care so FUCKING much about them that it makes my little puppy brain rattle in my skull!  my favorite magazine is People magazine because almost everyone is smiling in the pictures and that makes me wag my tail contently because smiling means everything is all right!  UNLESS THEY ARE SMILING TO MASK THE FACT THEY ARE ABOUT TO KILL YOU then smiling is no good!  woof!

Bear's Pick:  The Departed

Best Actor

The Nominees:  Leonardo DiCaprio ("Blood Diamond"), Ryan Gosling ("Half Nelson"), Peter O'Toole ("Venus"), Will Smith ("The Pursuit of Happyness"), Forest Whitaker ("The Last King of Scotland")

Tim:  When I first saw the list of nominees for Best Actor, I thought it was a joke.  I literally thought it was a prank the AP was pulling on me.  I laughed and stood up, looked around the crowded library computer lab and loudly asked "Am I on TV right now?!"  After suffering through some what I viewed as undeserved stinkeyes, I sat down and realized that this was no joke at all—this was the actual list of nominees for Best Actor for 2007.  This seems like a list a teenage girl might compile for Best Actor.  I mean, seriously?  Ryan Gosling?  "The Notebook" Ryan Gosling?  Will Smith?  The same Will Smith from "I, Robot?"  I suppose I didn't see the movies they were in, but come on.  Didn't Jack Nicholson star in a movie this year?  Couldn't we just have nominated him again?  He wouldn't have had to win, I just want a better looking Best Actor list than this.  And where the hell is Sacha Baron Cohen?  Was I the only one who saw "Borat" and realized his performance was one of the bravest we've seen in years?  He wasn't acting like an idiot in the safe confines of a movie set or studio, he was doing it on the streets of America with real American people (read: crazy people).  That's a commitment to one's craft right there, ladies and gentlemen.  But hey, whatever, I guess if I ruled the world everything would be too awesome and people's heads would explode too often, which would be dangerous and messy.

I suppose there's nothing I can do about the nominees this year, so I might as well get this over with.  Smith and Gosling are out of the question because they are bitches, and as we all know, bitches ain't shit.  Leonardo DiCaprio is a fine actor who used to be a bitch but saw the errors of his ways and became awesome and non-skinny with his role in "Gangs of New York."  Alas, the Academy will continue to think he is a bitch because of his performance in "Titanic," and thus he will not win.  Peter O'Toole, while also being a fine actor, is far too old to win.  I say this not out of ageism or anything like that, but merely out of concern for the poor man's health.  If he were to win an Oscar, I imagine his heart rate will rise up to dangerous levels due to his excitement.  The last thing the Oscars telecast needs is for somebody to die of a heart attack.  So that leaves Forrest Whitaker of "Battlefield Earth" fame as the winner, much to the Academy's chagrin.  Ha ha, you had to pick another black person as best actor, Academy!  This must be absolutely eating you inside, you old coots!

Tim's Pick:  Forrest Whitaker

Bear:  well i'm going to have to disagree with tim tim again on this one because will smith is going to win!  AND NOT the will smith who plays defensive end for the saints, but rather the one that makes safe happy raps that i can wag my tail to!  hooray!  it's kind of funny that both tim tim and i said black people were going to win, and not funny in a racist way but funny in a way that DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO MY PUPPY BRAIN!  i can hear the academy shaking in their boots at the thought of another black person winning a very prestigious award of theirs!  THAT'S RIGHT ACADEMY THE BLACK PLAGUE IS starting to sweep hollywood and there is no cure!  burning your dead will do you no good, academy!  the rats and the delirious will help spread this disease and then maybe a BLACK DOG will actually star in a movie instead of this golden retriever BULLshit i'm seeing all the time!

the other day i was sitting around, being a squish, and my best sister-friend daisy walks up to me.  i of course had my bagel that my mom gives me every morning and i was planning on eating it very soon, but daisy said it was hers and that she was going to eat it.  i told her that i was almost certain it was mine but she just took it because it was hers i guess.  i tried grabbing it back but daisy KILLED me and TOLD me that i'm a dumb doggy with rights parallel to those of the pre-american civil war negroes.  AND SHE WAS RIGHT!  then i fell asleep and woke up a few hours or days later (i don't know) and it was dinner time!  THEN I WENT BACK TO SLEEP!  what this has to do with will smith or the oscars or daisy is something i don't know!

Bear's Pick:  Will Smith

Best Actress

The Nominees:  Penelope Cruz ("Volver"), Judi Dench ("Notes on a Scandal", Helen Mirren ("The Queen"), Meryl Streep ("The Devil Wears Prada"), Kate Winslet ("Little Children")

Tim:  To be perfectly shallow, this year's list of nominees for Best Actress is a lot less hot than last year's.  The year of 2006 featured such major babes as Keira Knightley, Reese Witherspoon, and Charlize Theron, all of who are absolute 10s.  This year we have the slim pickings of Penelope Cruz (9/10), Kate Winslet (8.5/10), and Meryl Streep (6/10, but come on, she's old, that's a good score), so the thirteen-year-old in me is disappointed.  Wasn't Anne Hathaway in a movie this year?  How about Kirsten Dunst, I thought I saw her in a movie about Marie Antoinette?  Come on, Academy.  Do you really want people not to watch that badly?  You clearly nominate people for really random reasons, why not on the basis of hotness?  In my universe, Jessica Biel would already have five Oscars under her very hot belt.  Why can you people not realize how awesome my universe would be?  There would be uber babes winning Pulitzer prizes and science awards and penguins running around, demanding you hug them.  My goodness, people, elect me president quick!

Anyway, I guess if I had to pick one winner out of this group of female thespians, it would have to be Penelope Cruz.  I base this not on the fact that I have seen her performance (I haven't and probably never will), but rather that the Academy seems to like giving awards to people that will never again be nominated for any awards ever, two previous examples being Marisa Tomei and Adrian Brody.  Penelope Cruz has spent most of her career up to this point being that hot Spanish lady in movies that isn't Salma Hayek and barely being able to deliver her lines in English.  Apparently someone finally noticed she can't act in English, so they let her speak Spanish in a movie just to see how she does.  Lo and behold, she acts a ton better in her native tongue.  Who says there aren't any smart people in Hollywood?  ...What?  You say this movie is a foreign film?  Huh... well I guess that makes sense in the end.  But you can count on her winning this award and then demanding high paying English roles from here on out, which will doom her to the mediocrity she was trapped in before this year.  See you at the Technical Awards ceremony next year, Penelope!

Tim's Pick:  Penelope Cruz

Bear:  well this section should be easier for me BEAR since i am a pretty pretty girl and these people are/were/woof girls, so i have a finely tuned sense about this category!  did you all know i was a girl?  everyone assumes i am a boy doggie since my name is Bear which is complete AND UTTER HOGWASH because i am a pretty girl and that's a fact.  i have a pretty white spot on my chest just like my sister daisy, who is probably the prettiest doggie in the world.  she smells so GOOD too, it's like she's a walking pile of garbage!  daisy rules the schoolyard when it comes to good looks and smells SHE DOESN'T LET MY FAMILY GIVE HER BATHS which preserves her exemplary odor!  i love daisy soooo much but she hates my guts but that's okay because she smells so good and is so cool and old and poops her pants some times!  DAISY POOPS HER PANTS AND IT SMELLS LIKE POO, my favorite smell in the world right behind daisy (GET IT?!).

all that being said, the breakdown of this category will go a little something like this first judi dench won't win WASN'T SHE NOMINATED LAST YEAR?  how did she sneak in again, jeepers!  tim tim says she did a pretty good job in "casino royale" but she wasn't nominated for that so i'm going to ignore her in this process of elimination!  next we have penelope cruz, who is a loser because she dated tom cruise for a little bit so that means she won't win because she probably caught some of CRUISE'S CRAZY VIRUS THAT MAKES YOU CRAZY and the academy will recognize this.  meryl streep won't win because the academy only nominates her as a joke every year.  "how many times can we nominate meryl streep and have her lose until she notices we're screwing around with her" is probably the most uttered phrase at the academy right behind "BEAR IS SO CUTE WE SHOULD HAVE HER STAR IN A MOVIE OR GIVE HER A HUG OR SOMETHING".  kate winslet was pretty good in "titanic" but i don't remember a dog being involved in that film so that's the end of that!  that leaves the wonderful helen mirren as the winner even though i don't know who she is!  i bet she'd give me a hug if i ever met her!  or maybe not, and that would be okay OR NOT but probably yes!

Bear's Pick:  Helen Mirren

Best Visual Effects

The Nominees:  "Poseidon," "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest," "Superman Returns"

Tim:  Yeah, I know, we had this award last year, but I chose it again because there were two films here I had in fact seen, so I figured I might be able to give a decent opinion on them as opposed to the other categories.  Before I begin disseminating who will win this award, I just want to air my grievances about these films.  First, has there ever been a worse film nominated for an Oscar of any kind than "Poseidon?"  Granted, I never actually saw the movie, but I still know for a fact that it sucked.  Hard.  I understand this category isn't about overall movie quality, but that has to play just a little part in the nomination process.  Couldn't we have just given this nomination to the slightly-better-but-not-by-much "X-Men 3?"  I hope to God this movie doesn't win this award, I would hate to have to look at copies of "Poseidon" in the bargain bin at Best Buy with a little sticker at the top saying "Winner of an Academy Award," I don't want people accidentally buying this movie for whatever reason.

Secondly, "Pirates."  Actually, this isn't a complaint about the film (which was terrible by the way), but instead a plea for an explanation from the American movie going public.  How come you were able to let "Poseidon" rot in its suckiness but you just kept going and going and going to see "Pirates"?   Are we all that stupid?  Why do we walk over one shit pile and rub our faces in another?  I'm truly confused, I have no answer to these questions.  Someone want to try to explain why they would go to see "Pirates" more than once?  I can understand seeing it once because the first one was so good, but seeing it again in theaters after seeing how incomprehensible and stupid it was?  Honestly people, I want answers.  I'm losing sleep over this.

Well, now that that's all out of my system, here's my pick—"Superman Returns."  I say this because the other two are such crummy movies and the Academy will ignore the fact that "Pirates" has more impressive special effects, giving the award to a movie that doesn't bring down the entire field of cinema with its mere existence.  "Superman Returns" actually had some, oh I don't know, emotion in it as opposed to loud noises and colorful things.  What it all boils down to is this—if either "Pirates" or "Poseidon" wins this award, or any award for that matter, the Academy will officially be dead to me.  It was on life support after Daniel Day-Lewis lost to Adrian Brody for Best Actor and when they didn't ask Jon Stewart to host again this year, but this would really be the staph infection that finishes my caring about the Oscars off.  See that line in the sand, Academy?  Yeah, I just drew that.  Please don't cross it.

Tim's Pick:  Superman Returns

Bear:  i'm not exactly sure what tim tim was BITCHING and moaning about up there but perhaps it is because he is at college and away from his good pal Bear!  everyone gets cranky when they are away from dogs for a period of time, and tim tim is no exception!  tim tim needs to chillax and mellax out, for this is just the internet and it is only slightly less important than real life.  i am a dog.  more people should be like me and just sit around being a squish left and right all day and wait for people to give you hugs OR KILL YOU.  then you could wait until around eleven thirty o'clock at night to get the dickens and begin tearing things up with your teeth because that's the only manner in which you can tear things up if you're a dog UNLESS YOU'RE NOT A DOG then go ahead and use something else!  i have birds in my house that yell at me when i try to sniff their cages and they are so small i could put them in my mouth!  BUT I KNOW I SHOULDN'T THAT WOULD BE NAUGHTY AS fuck!

taking all of this into consideration, i cast my 3/5 vote for "caribbean pirates: my bloody chest."  this is because all girls seem to like johnny depp and orlando "magic" bloom and i am a girl so that must mean i like them too!  they seem like nice gentlemen, i'm sure they would give me a hug and gentle pat on my dome head if they ever met me.  did you all know that i have dome head?  it's true!  it is domed to create the maximum holding capacity for my puppy brain, which is HUGE but largely useless!  my skull is thick and boney and thick so when i go diving into walls in vain attempts to catch squirrels or shadows i will only suffer minor brain damage!  THIS IS PROOF OF INTELLIGENT DESIGN YOU GODLESS LIBERALS jesus designed me, you and steven jackson with a plan!  let's look at the facts, shall we? 

first off, we have the platypus.  every element of it is there for a reason, and that reason being to look goofy.  i mean it has fur and lays eggs I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT but the playtpus has to and does!  and it has a duck bill in order to look like a duck.  DOESN'T THAT MAKE SENSE?!  i know it does!  secondly, we have the bible.  the bible was perfectly designed to spread the word of JESUS CHRIST UP IN HEAVEN AND IN THE TREES i mean how else would people know about the j-mann?  clearly some higher power (probably jesus) made that book so people could read it and see how truly christ-like jesus is!  IF THAT ISN'T PLANNING AHEAD I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS woofer doodles!

Bear's Pick:  Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Well, it looks like Bear and I disagreed on everything, much like normal.  We shall see who is the victor come February 25, you silly dog you.  Hopefully I can get around to writing in this blog a bit more now, but I doubt it.  Anyway, hugs and squishes from both Bear and me, bye!

Currently listening : Songs for the Deaf By Queens of the Stone Age Release date: 27 August, 2002

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Shameless Self-Promotion
Category: News and Politics

It is two in the morning on a Friday night (or I guess really a Saturday morning) and I decided that I should attempt to whore myself and the school paper I write for out through Myspace!  You can go and look at my amazing collection of TWO published editorials through UWEC's own student run paper The Spectator at the following web site:

http://www.spectatornews.com/

You might have to sign up at the site to look at my articles, but it is free and you receive minimal e-mails from them, so there you go.  We all need to work together to get my stories up to the #1 most popular articles on the site!  It is indeed a glorious and worthwhile goal!  The Gods be praised!

P.S.--A new update will be coming soon on this blog, news that is assuredly thrilling to myself and my dog Bear.

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Myspace.com Profiles in Terribleness, Episode 1
Current mood: depressed

Myspace, for better or for worse, has become an outlet for many unknown and incredibly overknown musical artists to share their music. From System of a Down to Brent Dennen (?), artists have gained innumerable amounts of fans thanks to Myspace. Of course, some bands don't deserve new fans, and in a natural world without the outside intervention of Myspace, bands like Reel Big Fish and Ploma Drive would die out in obscurity with no one outside of their immediate families having ever heard their feeble attempts at music. Here to examine some of Myspace's very worst musical profiles is me, Tim. I am doing this for a few reasons, which are because I can't stand most music, I think I'm funny, and I am bored. So, this is the inaugural episode of Myspace Profiles in Terribleness, which will most certainly lead to more episodes if I feel like it.

To determine which bands I profile, I will think of a random mathematical equation that will give me three numbers, which I will use then find the correlating unsigned, independent and major record label bands of the day on the top musical artists on Myspace according to their given lists. So, let's see, first I'll take the number of my favorite football player (4), add that to the number of Mike Patton bands I have on my iTunes playlist (6), then multiply that by the slices of pizza I had for lunch today (2), then simply subtract the square root of my dog's estimated weight in pounds (10). This will give us the formula of 4 + 6 x 2 – 10, which of course gives us 10. So, this first of all gives us the unsigned CKY. Aw shit, I'm really throwing myself into the fire quick here, aren't I? Well, I'll give it a shot anyway, here goes...

Artist: CKY

Currently listening : Dusk and Summer By Dashboard Confessional Release date: 27 June, 2006

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The Return Continues
Current mood: accomplished

Two years. Two long, toiling years of hunger, near poverty and disgraceful hygienic practices. But Steven knew those were years that needed to be spent the way they were, sitting hours if not days at a time at his computer, typing, pecking, creating. He knew in his mind that the screenplay he was finally transcribing to paper was pure gold, gold he was willing to give up a significant portion of his life for. The time he had spent bringing his baby into existence had cost him his college degree, with his hours of writing eventually consuming his class schedule entirely. Steven never regretted dropping out of college, though his parents often expressed their displeasure over the large meals they would always generously cook for him. He would always assure them that his creation would lead to something greater than what a sociology degree could have. It would have, too, had Fate not been so voraciously against him.

"Zombie Dad" was the name of his screenplay. It had been the culmination of many tired and drunken nights of brainstorming, with dozens of strange ideas beginning to come together and take a brilliant shape--a lawyer, cursed by his spiteful family after his drunken escapades had cost them everything they owned, returned from the dead as a zombie. Coincidentally, his daughter is in a court battle with her ex-boyfriend over whether he was the father of her unborn child the very moment the man returns from the dead. The boyfriend's slightly drug-induced accusation that she was raped by her undead father leads to a massive zombie hunt that brings Zombie Dad to trial. The movie would then veer off into satire of court dramas, society and movies in general, revealing all that Steven knew to be wrong and ignorant in the world to the general movie-viewing public. It was undeniably fantastic, and Steven knew it would be his tobacco on the way to the more potent drugs of success.

About two months before finishing, Steven ran into... her... at the local Piggly Wiggly in one of his early morning ventures for Budget Gourmet television dinners. He remembered her from his English 202 class, admiring her from across the room on most days. And, to his surprise, she remembered him, actually initiated the conversation herself. Steven, even as he lay beside that damnable remote in his empty house, stomach devoid of sustenance and his spirit equally short of will, could still recall exactly how she looked that day. Her hair was put back into a pony tail, held up by a ruby red band. It was the same color red as her t-shirt, with the phrase "Stupidity is Not a Crime, So You Are Free to Go" emblazoned on it in white letters. She wore bright yellow pajama bottoms with white stripes running down the sides, leading to her constantly shuffling white sandals. She wore no make-up, but the natural warmness of her face beautified her to an extent no man-made cosmetic could ever hope to. Steven remembered being unable to look away from those heavenly blue eyes of hers, almost tripping over himself in the process of speaking to her and paying the cashier for his groceries.

and then a change of subject; he had discovered that most women (or at least the one he knew) didn't seem to understand that desire to create a new world with just the written word. Instead, her face lit up in a manner that caused his heart to skip. The cashier scanned Steven's chicken teriyaki with egg rolls dinner as she professed her desire to become a writer herself. Steven could see she was genuinely interested in what he was saying, something he hadn't dared dream a woman of her beauty would ever have done.

When she asked what the screenplay was about, he was intentionally vague, stating that it was a "court drama"--despite her interest in the process of writing, he wasn't sure she'd just yet understand or appreciate the "Zombie Dad" concept. Her smile invigorated Steven, making him so bold as to say that she could come over to his apartment to read over it if she wished, a move that surprised even Steven himself after he had gone through with it. To his delight, she agreed whole-heartedly. They planned a time and day to meet, and she left him with the loveliest expression on her face that Steven had ever seen. He had often thought afterwards that the only thing keeping him from floating away with joy at that moment was the two heavy plastic bags filled with frozen dinners that he held at his sides.

Steven recalled spending the next day cleaning his filthy apartment in preparation for her arrival, having been neglected due to his long and feverish writing sprees. The place was nearly spotless when she showed up the following day, dressed in a dark blue hooded sweater baring the local college's acronym and grey pajama bottoms. She held several tattered notebooks and wore a look of wonderful anticipation on her face. He invited her in, wondering what her reaction to his screenplay of reverse necrophilia would be. She sat down cross legged on the raggedy old couch he had seated in front of the television, her blue eyes staring up at him with an eagerness that Steven dreadfully feared would be extinguished after reading only a few lines of "Zombie Dad." He handed her the laptop that held his creation, and in exchange she gave him the tattered notebooks she had brought along. Steven imagined how red his face was at the time, burying himself deep in her notebooks as he sat on the chair to the side of the couch she had graced with her wonderful behind.

While he waited for the inevitable "WTF" reaction from her, he intently read the contents of the notebooks she had brought. He expected the normal fare from women writers--romance-themed, or a tale of female freedom from the clutched of our man-dominated society or some garbage like that. Instead, he found tales of nearly every other kind; stories about angels and demons, aliens and monsters, animals and their wonderful points of view, and musings over popular culture and politics. And what surprised Steven the most was that none of her writings took themselves too seriously--he could sense her acknowledgment of the ridiculousness of the subjects of many of her stories, and the humor in them was quite evident. There were references to old horror and sci-fi movies, like the naming of a werewolf with political aspirations "Richard Chaney" and having a wisecracking blackbird be named "Crow T. Crow." He found himself having to muffle his laughter while reading her scribbled writings... and to his delight, he saw that she was having to do the same.

It was like a miracle for Steven to see her giggling as her gaze scanned the computer screen. There, before his very eyes, was a woman who understood what he saw, what he believed in. She read aloud every line after having laughed wildly at it moments before, spouting out words from Steven's creation in between genuine chortles. She even knew why the jokes were funny or poignant, loudly explaining why she was laughing--it was evident she was not merely flattering Steven. He discovered that she was familiar with nearly everything that had influenced him not only as a writer, but a person as well. As the day wore on, she revealed herself to be a completely different woman than Steven had ever known before; she well-versed in the works of Alan Moore, Mike Patton and WCW superstar La Parka rather than those of Dan Brown, Usher and WWE chumpion John Cena. Steven tried his best to hide his joy for her understanding, but he was internally euphoric that such an angelic creature was so enthralled by his composed inner workings. Steven had always wondered from that day forward whether the white light that shone on her face was from the laptop that sat before her or rather from some higher, celestial origin.

The rest of that day was spent with the two bouncing jokes and observations off each other, both of them laughing uproariously or agreeing thoughtfully with what the other said. They talked late into the night, speaking of subjects ranging from "Arrested Development" to the future of democracy in America. The hours snuck away from the two's notice, only stopping their jovial conversation when she accidentally noticed the darkness that had replaced what had seemingly, only moments ago, been light. She gathered up her notebooks of stories and walked slowly over to the door, dragging out the night as long as she could. At the door, she asked Steven if he was going to be working on his screenplay the next day. She said she wanted to come over and write with him, try to get some of his input and ideas for her writings. The smile that swept over her face after he quickly agreed to her request was a work of art, so genuine and flawless that Steven was momentarily taken aback by it.  When she finally left his apartment, she backed out of the door so as to gaze at Steven one last time.  The look in her eyes was the thing that Steven remembered most about that night.

Her eyes sparkled with the kind adoration and understanding that Steven once thought was impossible.  The blue of her eyes was more brilliant than Steven remembered them being before or after that night.  It was the kind of look Steven wanted to be able to see forever.

But now, it was just a memory.  She was gone, and so was everything else.  Everything but... the remote.  Steven desperately grasped at the life that was once his, continuing to recall his life's tragic downfall before he could remember no longer...



End of Part 2

Currently listening : Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By By Lovage Release date: 06 November, 2001

11:49 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Return
Current mood: peaceful

Steven looked around--the house he had once called home was now as barren as his soul. As he entered the room, Steven thought about how it had all come to this, how one seemingly harmless object had been the catalyst to the the chain reaction that lead to this reality of his. How could such an insignificant thing like... like that change life so drastically, he wondered. He entered the house, greeted only by the barren walls and creaking floorboards.

He began searching the first room of the house, looking for some reminder of his past life. The house seemed so large without any of the furniture, pictures or any other trappings of a happy household. Steven's thoughts seemed to echo off the walls, bouncing back to him and colliding with the ideas still festering in his head. Gone was the couch he had sat on so much, the TV he had watched so attentively, and the framed picture of him and Jessica Biel he had taken during his venture out to Hollywood. I miss that picture, dammit, Steven woefully lamented. The wooden floor cried out underneath him with every foot step, shrieking in terror from having weight put on if for the first time in years. At the center of the room, Steven stopped, something having caught his eye; it was the remote. That damn, damn remote.

Currently listening : Director's Cut By Fantômas Release date: 10 July, 2001

5:30 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Guesstimation Movie Review
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Hello, I'm back!  Yes, after having my brain dirtied and sullied by critical thought for a week during finals, I am back to writing in my blog!  Boy oh boy, I can hear the world's collective sigh of relief, you guys really missed me.  Anyway, being the presumptuous jerk that I am, I decided that I am going to write a movie review for a movie I have yet to see and have no intention of seeing!  I do this because my judgment on the arts is so acute that I don't even need to witness or experience what I am reviewing to have an opinion on it, a practice perfected by protestors of anti-religious/American films and literature around the world!  The preliminary film that I am going to review is none other than "The Da Vinci Code" (or as my friends from the streets call it, "Da Da Vinci Code, Be-yotch!  I'ma Gonna Shoot Yo Ass, Whitey!").  Based on Dan Brown's best selling novel of the same name, this movie dares to question the Catholic Church, saying that Jesus had a wife and a kid or two, meaning there is someone running around today with diluted Jesus blood in them (if I had to fancy a guess of who has Jesus blood in them, it'd probably be Norman Duke of the PBA, because what he is able to do with a simple bowling ball is nothing short of miraculous).  Despite being proven to be a work of fiction by countless educated individuals/people with access to the internet, the book's contents are a source of contention for Catholic Church representatives.  As Bill Shakespeare might say, "thou doth protest too much, Catholic Church," which would probably be followed with him saying "make sure thou doth write thine name in pencil on those plays thou wrote, Christopher Marlowe."  But anyway, the book has been made into a movie because of the well established fact that movies are better than books, and now religious people really have their undies in knots.  Fear not, protestors of "The Da Vinci Code!"  I am here to pass judgment on the film sight unseen, letting the world know if this movie is worth a viewing or if it is the final piece of the puzzle that will bring about Armageddon.

The Da Vinci Code:  A Humble Review

This May 19th, You Will Believe A Movie Can Suck

"The Da Vinci Code" is one of those movies where you are left saying, "Huh... that certainly seemed like it should have been good," much in the same vein as "Syrianna" or "Donnie Darko."  Characters come on and off the screen, saying things about stuff in ways that seem important.  Viewers will find themselves exclaiming "Hey, its Gandalf!  Man, he's really saying stuff, I better pay attention," but then discovering that the words coming out of Ian McKellen's mouth make as much sense as Carlos Mencia having his own TV show.  All the characters in this movie speak in low, serious tones, never once raising their voices in glee like in reaction to a freshly baked cake or a dog with a hat on its head.  The words sound important, but in reality every bit of dialogue ends up sounding exactly like the following paragraph, only with different adjectives, subjunctives and conjunctions:

"The Catholic Church has a code, a code known the world over as a global secret, one that will tear down the very fabric of our reality if it is discovered!  Da Vinci knew the secrets but now the secrets are in your hands, alongside the fate of the world, the Catholic Church and the world!  You must choose now or the world will crumble around you, destroying everything that is known and loved!  CODES!!"

A Good Day to You, Sir Woofington of Adorable Manor!

The movie is supposed to make the viewers ask questions, which is an area it succeeded.  I was left asking myself such queries as "When did whispering and staring blankly start being considered good acting?", "I wonder if that guy who played the albino really is going to be playing the Joker in the next Batman movie?" and "What the fuck was that shit?"  I'm sure some people will leave the theater questioning whether their church has been keeping secrets from them their whole lives, but these people are idiots.  Anyone coming out of the theater with a question deeper than "Did I just crap my pants or is that just sweat from sitting down so long?" really needs to re-examine and ultimately end their life.  So I guess while there are some questions that arise from seeing this movie, none of them are the intended questions, which I guess means it failed in this respect.  I retract my previous statement, sorry.

The actors in this movie also seem to be aware of the garbage they're trying to pass off as entertainment.  Tom Hanks reverts to his portrayal of Forrest Gump in this movie, only without the charm or anything resembling good acting.  His character says a lot of smart-sounding things, but it sounds like he's bored to tears with what he's saying, just like the group of damned souls that is audience viewing this movie.  Ian McKellen continues his streak of being old in movies, portraying an elderly man masterfully in this film but delivering his lines like a hostage reading off his kidnapper's demands.  Then there's that albino guy, who I don't know if hes really albino in real life, but it hardly matters because I didn't believe he was albino for one second.  I know several albino people in real life, but none of them acted so over-the-top pale like this guy did.  I didn't even bother to learn his name because he was an insult to real albinos every where.  All in all, the actors conveyed boredom with an acknowledgement of the worthlessness of the subject matter to the audience very well, which I guess is good.

"Would LOTR fans like me as much if they knew I was openly gay?  Hmm..."

Despite all the negativity I spewed above, in reality I'm a pretty positive guy (emphasis on "pretty"), so I'll try to say something positive about this movie.  If you're a fan of words, by golly you'll like this movie.  This movie has so many words said in so many different sentences, it just might blow your mind (but probably not).  Words are said in abundance and without discrimination.  If you have a favorite word that you want to hear a movie star say on the big screen, chances are you'll get that opportunity while watching "The Da Vinci Code."  If words were dollars, the country would suffer from hyperinflation after a showing of this movie.  Being a fan of the English language like I am, I found myself often nodding and smiling, saying "I know that word... that one too."  I wonder if some sort of wager was made between director Ron Howard and some old chum of his, like Henry Winkler, about how many different words he could fit into a movie.  If this is true, I would have to say Ron Howard more than surpassed his goal, whatever it might have been.  Bravo!

Yet all the above mentioned aspects of my movie review are a moot point when considering the real motivating factor behind people deciding if they are going to see this film or not, that being whether Jesus Christ himself approves of the film.  I'm not as tight with the J-Man as some, so I can only go on inference about what his reaction toward this film might be.  First, even if it isn't true, I think Jesus would find the idea of him having a wife to be a compliment.  This of course is assuming Mary Magdalene was as hot as she was in "The Passion of the Christ," where she was played by the absolutely smokin' Monica Bellucci.  Jesus would most certainly thank the filmmakers on their perceived view of Jesus' game.  But despite this, I think Jesus would have largely panned this film, much like I have.  This is mostly because I think Jesus hates shitty movies.  Do you think Jesus liked "Fantastic Four" or "Flightplan?"  No?  Because thats about how good "The Da Vinci Code" is.  Jesus would probably watch this movie and in the middle of it say "Hey, what gives?  I already died for you people's sins, I don't need any more of this B.S." 

To Suggest That Jesus Wouldn't Hit It Is Blasphemous

Jesus will not hate this movie because of the potentially blasphemous messages it is trying to send, since it is a well known fact that Jesus loves "Life of Brian," but rather the incredible ineptitude of the story, acting and directing of this dreadful film.  I award this movie an unholy three Buddy Jesuses (Jesi?) out of ten.

/10

I hope I convinced you all not to see "The Da Vinci Code," because I know I'm doing alright without having ever seen it.  Good morrow to you all and have a wonderful summer!

Currently listening : Nothing Safe: The Best Of The Box [ENHANCED CD] By Alice In Chains Release date: 29 June, 1999

10:32 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Law and Order SVU--Passion of the Killed, Part 5
Current mood: accomplished

(Back at the station, Elliot Stabler sits dejectedly at his desk, watching TV instead of working)

News Anchor:  ...and an update in the Dick Cheney murder case; the former Vice President was found guilty of first degree murder today after he was evaluated to be of good mental health.  Despite the guilty conviction, Mr. Cheney will only have to serve ten years in prison instead of the predicted life sentence.  Court observers attribute this to severe bumbling by New York District Attorney Casey Novak.  (Casey's picture appears on the screen) Mr. Cheney has a chance of parole in five years...

Elliot Stabler:  (Shakes his head) That should be Willis getting a substantially less sentence than he deserves, not Cheney.  Tomorrow, Mr. Bush is going to announce Willis as the new vice president, and he'll have gotten away with it.  (Stares blankly past the TV; Fin Tutuola walks by eating a chili dog)

Fin Tutuola:  Cheer up, Elliot.  At least we got somebody for the case, that's better than what Munch and I used to do. 

Elliot Stabler:  I know, but Bruce just plain old out foxed us.  I can't get over it.

Fin Tutuola:  He didn't outfox you guys, don't be so hard on yourself.  (Takes a bite out of his chili dog) You outfoxed yourself.  Seriously, that was an embarrassing story to hear.

Elliot Stabler:  He's so cartoony evil, he needs to be put behind bars.  But we can't now, I blew it.  (Starts rubbing his face)

Fin Tutuola:  Psh, I've blown dozens of cases in my career.  You don't see me whining about it.

Elliot Stabler:  Yeah, well, that's you, Fin.  I actually care about my job.

Fin Tutuola:  You talk like you're in danger of losing your job.  You've been here for years, you must have tenure by now.  You don't have to worry about being fired.

Elliot Stabler:  (Looks up at Fin) Tenure?  What are you talking about?

Fin Tutuola:  You know, tenure.  You've worked so long that you have lifelong job security.

Elliot Stabler:  (Thinks about it for a while) Fin, we don't have tenure here.  I don't know who told you that, but we could lose our jobs at any time, even if we've been working here for 30 years.

Fin Tutuola:  (Thinks to himself for a moment) You sure?

Elliot Stabler:  (Nods) Almost certain.

Fin Tutuola:  (Thinks to himself some more) I've got to go make some calls.  (Walks away from Elliot; cue opening credits and theme music)

LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

DA DA

(Back at the station, Elliot returns to his sulking; Olivia strides over carrying a package)

Olivia Benson:  Elliot, are you still mad about the Willis case?

Elliot Stabler:  Hell yeah I am.  I may be stupid, but I'm not that stupid.  Argh!  (Slams his pen into this desk)

Olivia Benson:  Well, you got some mail.  Maybe it has something that'll cheer you up.  (Throws the package onto Elliots desk)

Elliot Stabler:  Hopefully its a sandwich or something.  (Begins opening the package) Hm... there's no return address on this thing... (Pulls out a videotape from inside the envelope with the phrase To Elliot written on it) The heck?  (Turns on the VCR on his TV and sticks the tape in; he begins watching the video, which begins with a black screen with the phrase "NSA Surveillance Tape"; it is also date two weeks beforehand) Olivia!  Get over here!  (Olivia walks over)

Olivia Benson:  Elliot, what is it--?  (Sees the tape playing) What is this?

Elliot Stabler:  It was in the package I got.  (The tape then switches to a black and white picture, from the point of view of a corner on the ceiling of a room; the room is decorated with pictures and fine furniture; Elliot leans in toward the TV) Look at those pictures!  Do you see who it is?

Olivia Benson:  Those are pictures of Bruce Willis and his family!  This is Bruce Willis' house!  (Two men come into the picture)

Elliot Stabler:  That's Bruce Willis!  And that's--

Olivia Benson:  That's Dick Cheney with him!  (The two begin talking in muffled voices) Turn up the volume, I can't hear what they're saying!  (Elliot cranks the volume up on the TV, making the voices of Cheney and Willis audible)

Bruce Willis:  (On the tape) ...so I hear you like hunting, Mr. Vice President!  Do you have any trophies?

Dick Cheney:  </