Knock. Knock. I want to give you a PHYSICAL EXAM?!!
Current mood: distressed
Category: Concerned with the public good News and Politics

I haven't posted anything in a while, but a news story I just saw has forced my hand.

As we speak, Oxnard police are in search of a suspect who is breaking into people's homes under one of the most ridiculous premises I've ever heard. The man is going door to door claiming he's from the Oxnard medical board and needs to give the women of the house an examination. ONLY THE WOMEN. Now consider this - It's been working.

What happened, ladies and gentlemen? When did we drive off Common Sense Ave. and take a detour onto Let the Door to Door Female Physicals Guy Into Your House Blvd.

Obviously, there are people that need to be brought up to speed on some things. With that in mind, here are some other "believable" scams people may also fall for. My hope is that they see this and are able to somehow avoid trouble.

IF SOMEONE PRESENTS YOU WITH THESE CREDENTIALS, PLEASE DO NOT GIVE THEM ENTRANCE TO YOUR HOME.
-BIKINI INSPECTOR
-PANTY TECHNICIAN
-LIBRARIAN FROM THE PUBIC LIBRARY
-U.S. SECRETARY OF GETTING IT ON
-MAYOR OF POON TOWN
AND
-ANYONE WEARING ONE OF THOSE BREAST EXAMINATION MACHINE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. *SPOILER ALERT* THEIR HANDS ARE IN THE PART YOU PUT YOUR BOOBS IN.

Go forth and be safe.

By the way, I'm giving free physicals away at my apartment. NO DUDES. Come alone.

3:06 PM - 11 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Keep on yapping, yappy.
Current mood: Full of info
Category: Full of info News and Politics

Hopefully this will put all your sweaty browed fretting to an end. Yes, you can still use your cell phone hands free in the car, at least in LA. To my friends in Chicago, you haven't been able to in a long time, but to all those concerned go getters here in LA, our hands free cell phone law doesn't go into effect until July 1st 2008. Keep on talking and not paying attention to the road, but above all, enjoy it. You look important, seriously.

2:23 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm sorry, Sarah Silverman
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I owe someone an apology. Sarah Silverman, are you out there? Can you hear me? I have something I need to say. I'm sorry.

I didn't give you any credit. For the longest time I refered to you as, "That chick that was on SNL for a while and sucked." I didn't know why people liked you so much. It was beyond me. I had no respect for your material. "Poop. Doody. God." That's a joke you would tell. It just seemed like you were trying so hard. "Look at me! I'm gross and edgy. Poop. Dick. Poop dick!" But you were so much more than that all along. You also talk about semen and farts, I see that now. (I should say, I have never heard you use those words in the same joke, but if you want to, go for it.)

The point is, I was wrong. I've been watching your show, and it's hilarious. I saw your stand up special and laughed a lot despite my obvious predisposition not to. You have proved me wrong and I want to admit that.

I'm glad I let you take my piece of cake at that birthday party a couple years ago. I've hated you for it ever since, but I'm letting it go.

Despite what's happened in the past, I just want you to know that although I said I'd never touch your gross cooch with a ten foot pole, I still wouldn't, but now the pole is only 5 feet.

12:24 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Ow! My tooth!

I think I have a cavity and this is what I think it looks like in my mouth.

My tooth wears gloves.

12:29 AM - 5 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

People Who Will Survive The End of the World
Category: Life

If you've ever seen any of the Mad Max movies, then you already know that the post apocalyptic world is a tough place. It's not easy tosurvive what with all the crazy shit that's going to go down. Thankfully, most of us probably won't live through the initial events that will eventually bring us to a Thunderdome-esque society. That said, certain people will survive as proven by the Mad Max series. What follows is a list of those people.

One old person - It doesn't matter who this person is, or what level of intelligence they posess. This person will survive and somehow become some sort of shahman to a group of scared people that probably lives in holes in the ground covered by tarps. How can we tell who this person is now? If you know an old person with one really cloudy eye who speaks cryptically about everything, it's them.

Leathermen - Although their lifestyle hasn't been fully excepted by our present society, their day will come as indicated by the style of dress in Mad Max. One need only have attended Sunset Junction this year to see that there are already numerous gay dudes ready to assume their role as the chainmail wearing trend setters of the next phase of society. Chaps please.

Welders - Why? Someone is going to have to fasten all that extra metal shit onto cars before they go into battle. I've often wondered how my own car would fair in the world of Mad Max. Answer: Not well.

Renfair Enthusiasts - Their skill set is apparently crucial to the future of humans. Working a crossbow and falconing are both important. They'll just have to learn to do these things on moving vehicles rather than from brightly decorated tents with fifes playing.

A baby - Once again, it doesn't matter who this child is, they will automatically be "the choosen one". What's that mean for their future? Nothing...excpet a lot of tail.

Please Note: Should there be two children, the second child will automatically assume the role of a "feral child" who will growl a lot and be a decent fighter for a kid. He/she and the choosen one shall never meet.

People who build refineries - Along the same lines of the welders except these people will be incharge of building cities apparently as every "city" in Mad Max looks like a refinery.

A HUGE body builder with Down Syndrome - He is crucial as he will help Master Blaster control Barter Town much to Tina Turner's dismay.

Tina Turner - She will exist only to be dismayed by Master Blaster's control of Barter Town.

Will this really happen? No. But we should start looking for leathermen and a HUGE body builder with down syndrome just incase.

Currently listening : Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome By Maurice Jarre Release date: 11 November, 2003

12:42 AM - 6 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Raising the worst generation
Current mood: kidded
Category: kidded Life

If you're looking at this right now, please know that I do appreciate you taking the time to read my stupid thoughts on things. What follows is a very bitter blog. If you're not interested in reading that kind of thing, you should stop right here.

-Tim

I just saw a report on the news that made me say something I didn't think I'd say until I was much older, "What the fuck is wrong with kids today." No, no, no. I'm not talking about the fact that they're all diabetic fat asses...which they are. I'm talking about the fact that they do things that my generation and the ones before it never would because we had something in us that, even at our most ignorant, even at our most selfish, stopped us from crossing the line simply because we didn't get our way.

This news report involved a Korean church which has been continually vandalized over the course of the last month. Broken windows, graffitti, and busted up statues, etc. Now, every once in a while a church gets fucked up. Usually, you find out it was a bunch of neo nazis and you think to yourself, "Man, neo nazi's are assholes...I'm not surprised this happened." You're shocked at the act, but not the motive because groups like that are hateful just because. The prime suspects in today's case? Kids who are pissed because the church told them they couldn't use the bench, front stairs and railing, and parking lot as their own person skate park. SKATING? REALLY? The long and short of it, someone told these kids, "No. You can't do that." And their response was that of a spoiled toddler, throwing the equivalent of a tantrum except that tantrum has left a parish of innocent people with a fucked up church.

Parents, congratulations. You've raised the worst generation. Look around you. The signs are everywhere. Fat, spoiled, lazy, and stupid. They're rights are more important than anyone elses. It's their way or nothing at all and they're going to do what they want, when they want, and fuck you if you tell them otherwise. The saddest part is, we did this to them and by we, I mean you, moms and dads. And believe me, I hesitate to call you that because you are definitely redesigning those titles.

I understand you have to work hard. It's not easy gassing up that Sahara. Believe me, I know. I drive behind them all the time. It looks tough. So you don't always have time for your kids. That's understandable. Thusly, you take a hands off approach and don't do shit. Let the teachers handle it. Well guess what, they can't. You won't let them teach. The minute they tell you your child is disruptive, not living up to expectations, or is deficient in any capacity, you're response isn't, "How can we fix this?" Your response is, "Fuck you. You're wrong and now I'm going to the school district because you've made my child feel alienated and left out." Meanwhile, Tommy is getting his trenchcoat and shotgun ready for school. Why? Because you've sent fucked up kids with no discipline into an environment where the people that are supposed to handle them all day aren't allowed to and can't stop that group of shit heads from fucking with him at lunch because they're afraid you'll sue them if they give your bratty little fat ass a detention. Oh shit! Wait, Tommy's parents. You're not getting off scott free here. Why don't you talk to your son? If you took a break at night from fucking American Idol to talk with your kid, maybe he'd have less time to spend stewing on how he's treated at school let alone the fact that you might actually realize that your kid is fucked up enough to kill 25 people at his school because three little fuckers called him a faggot in gym class.

The worst part about this generation of kids with an amazingly inflated, unfounded sense of entitlement is that they're exactly what kids are supposed to be. Little tiny shitty fucking replicas of us. Awwww, isn't it cute? No. It's not and I hope I die before they're in charge of society because shit's already fucked up enough with our spoiled, SUV driving, reality TV watching, soft, stupid, inconsiderate, lazy, bitchy, overly sensitive while at the same time having no consideration for other people's feeling, red bull swilling, greedy asses running the show.

I can't wait for these diabetic retards to take over. It's going to be glorious.

Currently reading : Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing By Michele Ed.D. Borba Release date: 25 September, 2002

12:37 AM - 7 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Seasons Greetings From - The Downys
Current mood: Seasons Greeted

6:47 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hey, you. Don't go up Mt. Everest
Current mood: Mounted

You know what people love doing? Climbing Mt. Everest. I think more people are attempting to climb it now then they ever have. As many of you know, I'm all for expeditions like this. Trying to find the Yeti, locating sunken treasure, stowing away aboard what's supposed to be an unmanned probe into a black hole. These are all things I have attempted, will attempt, want to attempt, or will never attempt.

While I support any journey into high adventure (Oh man. I just called climbing a mountain "High Adventure") there are certain people that should never do it. What follows is a list of people that shouldn't climb Mt. Everest.

- If you're missing any limbs but have a "can do" attitude, don't go to Everest. Run a marathon or something. We'll all clap and say, "Isn't that inspirational?" But don't climb Everest.

-People with asthma. It's hard enough to breath at that elevation without having asthma. Plus, your sherpa will lose respect for you. In Tibet, asthma is a sign of weakness...OK. It's not, but it should be.

- Skiers. You're skills won't be useful up there. I know you think they will. You probably fancy yourself shouting, "I'll go for help!" Then shooshing down Mt. Everest to locate a rescue squad. Of course you think that. Skiers are inherently pretentious and put way more stock in the ability to ski then is warranted. Congratulations, you're good at a sport. Just keep it off Everest Johnny Aspen.

- Minorities. Why? Because only white people and Chinese tour groups climb Mt. Everest. Generally, rich white people. So, go if you want to, but realize this. Those white people will have two goals on that mountain 1) Climb Everest 2) Prove I'm cool with the black/latino/middle eastern/ambiguously ethnic person. They're going to want to know about your upbringing, life, reasons for coming to Everest, and they will attempt to identify with it because you guys are cool with each other. Prepared to be annoyed to death...and then frozen to death because that happens a lot on Everest too.

- Everyone. Too many people are attempting it. It's clogging up the mountain making it more difficult to get through (picture lines at Disneyland but where you can die in them.) Plus, the more people that do it, the less special it becomes. Then what will we do? Venture into the wild and participate in that ceremony where guys tie vines around their feet and jump off a platform, inevitably hitting the ground (you know which one I'm talking about). Do you want that? I don't. It's like bungee jumping and we're so close to that going away.

Don't climb Everest or bungee jump.

12:20 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Medical Insurance - The biggest scam in the world
Current mood: livid

For the last year and some change I've been paying Blue Cross over $300 a month for medical insurance. I haven't asked for much. A physical here, an appointment there. I didn't have any major surgery or get in any sort of horrible medical trouble. Over $300 dollars a month.

Today I recieved a letter from my doctor's office. Well, it was less like a letter than it was like a bill. A bill for every single visit to them I've made since May of 2005. A bill totalling more than $800 dollars. Remember before when I said I was paying $300 a month in medical insurance?

Apparently, on November 27 of this year, my carrier went back through their records and decided to transfer all payments back to me snce May of 2005. Yes. They did that in ONE DAY over a year after the fact.

It's not like I'm paying the femi-hobo that hangs out outside my Blockbuster to "say" she's my medical insurance carrier. I actually paid money to a "real" insurance company for "real" insurance and after paying them $7200 they've decided they'd rather just keep that money. Nice.

Anyone know a good lawyer?

7:34 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Metal Star Rocklactica OR How I ended the Britney/ K-Fed Marriage
Current mood: Rocked

Using the power of the Ultimate Warrior..s magic guitar ..Rockulon.., Tim and a Cylon bring about an end to the Britney/ K-Fed marriage. Their combined power not only shakes the bowels of the very Gods themselves it also proves, once and for all, that Tim is way awesomer than anyone else in the universe.

11:43 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment