The cheese is old and moldy
Current mood: naughty
Category: Sports
Well that stinky dark cloud over Minnesota is result of Greenbay fans burning their cheesehead hats in protest. Awwww.
For those of you living under a rock, or in Canada, Brett Favre is officially a New York Jet. This presents me with a conundrum. You see, my brother-in-law is a longtime die hard Jets fan. He was put to bed clutching a green football while wearing Jets pajamas that went with his Jets twin sheet set that was covered by a Jets blanket....and that was just last year.
So what's the problem, you ask? Well, part of the fun of football season is bagging on other people's teams. The Jets in the last few years have given me much fodder with which to harrass my brother-in-law. It's all in good fun. Now, I am hard pressed to tease because Brett is my favorite quarterback. So what is a surly girl to do?
My circle of football loving friends is small enough. Anyone out there wanting to offer up themselves as my NFL team whipping boy? I promise not to leave a mark. *cat o' nine tails in hand*
I am beginning to think that Arizona has it out for me. Maybe just the Phoenix region. So far the life down here hasn't exactly been a tiptoe through the tulip bed. It has been more like a full on barefoot stagger and stumble through the cactus patch.
This house. Yes, it is nice and all but...... (are you sure you want that house Lanie?) I discovered Termites. It is brand new! Termites? What the heck? I know I am a magnet for whatever sad sorry animal that can manage to drag it's gimpy carcass my way, but bugs? Well, at least it is under warranty. We also seem to have some unusual drainage issues going on that are currently threatening to drain my wallet. As I say that I am actually giving my backyard the evil eye. It works on Jim and the kids. Why not the yard?
So things aren't going as swimmingly as possible right now (ignore the picture). It has been really humid so any swimming done lately is basically in our own sweat if we venture outside for more than five minutes.... blech! Okay, I can't complain about the heat. I knew what I was getting in to. I still think people who live down here are Crayyy---zeeee! I am outta here as soon as our lease is up.
I know why the oldies flock down here like geese. This place gives them plenty of fodder to feed their grumpiness. Yeah, if you haven't noticed, old people like to complain. If I have to listen to one more diatribe on the virtues of the NRA, I'll...........................damnit!
I am too young to be so grouchy and grousey but my patience has been tested over the past year. I am an overly tightened guitar string that is barely staying intact and Arizona is a happy toddler making it's way over to the guitar....Noooooooo!
As you know the desert is a tough place. Flora is delicate yet hardy. The beautiful flowers that beckon are usually surrounded by thorns (hmmm, kinda reminds me of someone...). The fauna? We all know that danger lurks around every saguaro. Coyotes....javalinas....rattlesnakes..... toads....
Wait, did she say toads? Yes, Colorado River toads to be exact. Did you know that they are poisonous? Did you know they are especially poisonous to canines? Neither did I... that is until about 12:48 AM.
To make a long story short.....
Dogs found toad, dogs barked at toad, one dog in particular tried to bite toad..........
Dog convulses, son panics, dog drools, mom googles, dog convulses, mom hoses dogs mouth out, dog convulses, mom calls vet clinic, dog still paralyzed, mom hoses out dogs mouth, mom tries finding the damn clinic on mapquest, dog convulses, mom hoses dogs mouth out, dog convulses less..
It took about forty five minutes for her to quiet down and be able to walk again. I gave her a bath just in case she had anything on her fur. After bathing her, I took her out to use the restroom. Wouldn't you know that silly dog was actually looking for the toad! So from now .. every rainstorm, you won't find me happily walking through puddles thankful for rain in the desert. You will find me casting an evil eye over my backyard swamp looking for invading amphibians (not to mention my house will smell like wet dog, ugh). Unless it has been an unusually frustrating day, then I'll be outside on the ground convulsing and drooling for 45 minutes, toad in hand. I will be known as the crazy toad lady of Desert Peak subdivision. ;)
I want to disappear down a hole right now. Some of you may know by now but for those of you that don't.... Jim didn't get released. It felt like a scene right out of a movie. The buildup of excitement, anticipation and then the moment...............the one that never comes. The one where he is supposed to walk out of that shit hole of a place and never look back. The one where the very weary wife gets to give him a great big hug and take him home to his kids and baby. The one where he gets to sleep in his comfortable and familiar bed where he can sleep in and wake up to have coffee with his best friend.
I think being kicked in the stomach repeatedly by someone wearing cowboy boots would feel better than what I'm feeling right now.
A very belated Mother’s Day blog...
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life
* note- I started this last Sunday*
Ahh, Mother's Day. My special, special, special day. Too bad you can't hear me talking because then you would know that I was emphasizing special in a highly sarcastic tone.
My son is busy making pancakes. My daughter is still in bed. My baby is on the floor wearing a cheerio-goo stained onsie that she slept in. I still believe in the "let sleeping babies lie" mantra and dared not wake her last night to remove the grimy garment. Why is she still in it this quiet morning? Well, being that it is Mother's day, I want to make myself feel as if this day was set aside just for me. Objectionable and cantankorous babies are not the product of holiday worthy women. So there she sits in her dirty onsie, mastering her motor skills by contentedly eating cheerios off the floor. Yes, here I am .........Mother of the Year.
My plans? Well, if the morning allows, I want to go to the Desert Botanical Garden. One child will go excitedly, one will go only to make me happy and the other is happily oblivious to free will. Well, maybe that is all she is....free will and no constraints but oblivious nonetheless.
Hopefully, it will happen but we are working on a time crunch. It is supposed to be hot today and dragging three wilting children around a desert garden could mean disaster. We'll see. There is always this evening to go but I'm not sure it will be open. They are having a mother's day concert performed by Esteban. Yes, the same Esteban that hocks those learn to play guitar kits and did the ...... Geico commercial? Anyway, yes that Esteban. I really had no idea who this guy was until those commercials. He looks kind of creepy to me so I have no desire to cap off my day with his presence. He would be less creepy if he didn't always appear in the same outfit. He looks like a cross between Zorro and Johnny Cash. I don't quite "get" him. Maybe I should hold back on my assessment of him until I actually hear his music. That would be the motherly thing to do......
Speaking of Mothers. I need to call mine. Both of them. Well, Jim's mom and mine. I am still trying to get to the point of calling his mom....well, mom. I don't know if he will ever call my mom, mom so it isn't a big deal. I wish I could drag my mom around the garden with me today. I think she'd like it. I've been missing her these days. She has been busy. I've been moving. We never seem to have enough time to do what we do best...... talk. I have long conversations with her about everything. Sometimes serious, sometimes mundane...whatever the subject, I almost always feel better after chatting with her.
She has been going through a lot lately. One of her children has hit some very rough times and it nags at her. Her health has been so-so lately, I believe, due to the stress. Her mother passed away a few months ago. She and her siblings have been wrestling with how to care for her father. He is blind and quite old. I want to be there for her more right now but we don't seem to cross paths as much these days. She seems to refuse to get technologically afloat and forgets her cellphone and doesn't email, so our only means of communication are from the last century. This bothers me but I don't press the matter.
~ Sunday, May 18th~
It has been a busy week and I find myself back at my old stomping grounds. This two household situation is not easy.... I have major cleaning to do here and some more packing........: *sigh* Time develops a great objective eye when dealing with belongings. Time and a shiny new place that you don't feel like cluttering up with old junk. I come back and feel the urge to just throw everything out in front of the old house to let people take as they please.
I never did make it to the botanical garden on Mother's Day (awwww)...someday. Anyway, I will be expecting my Mother of the Year award to be handed to me soon and will gladly take the accompanying privileges that go along with it that are valid for one year..hee,hee (he's probably not reading this anyway *rolls eyes*). I am happy to report that I got to spend some time with my mumsy yesterday. She was looking great when I got back here. She had spent a good amount of time at their property in Colorado which left her rested and feeling much better. We donned our big hats yesterday and went stomping around in nature. It was a lovely belated Mother's Day gift. I am working on a photo blog about it.
I am now crafting my mom her belated Mother's day gift. Do you think it is possible to create a cellphone lanyard with popsicle sticks and tape? How about a personal assistant that will follow her everywhere and knows how to retrieve her email.......*rolls eyes*
Currently
listening
:
all my love
By
Esteban
Release date: 2001-01-24
*Bonus points to the reader who can find and correctly identify the movie line referenced in this blog*
Looking at my blog headliner, I am wondering, "what happened to the Sexy? Or even the Surly for that matter.." I suppose it will all come back in time. Even the Surly one has moments of not-so-fabulousness. Lately, I fall more into the fabuless category. Anyway, in an effort to at least try and live up to my "sexy" label here goes....
Remember wayyyy back when one of you (well maybe three) was the whole of my subscription list? No? Well, back then I posted a blog about aging lingerie and how to retire it.
I had a pile of lingerie that was sitting unused. Sad scraps of lace and brittling elastic. Colors I no longer fancied. Styles that were passe. Most of them worn only once or twice. What is a girl to do with them? Dare I stuff them in a donation bag? No. Used lingerie? Uh, I think not. Someone even suggested Craigslist. I entertained the thought and investigated. Somehow, I doubt any tranny would fit into my petite underpinnings.
Fast forward to moving day. The dresser is leaving and the undergarments are being evicted. No time for wishy washy. You would think that my desire to rid myself of excess would be enough to fuel my haste. In reality, my swiftness was result of not wanting my relatives to see my underwear. *I see London, I see France....I see TJ's....does that even qualify as a panty?* I think the only thing more embarrassing would be the accidental discovery of "toys:"
Mom hollering from another room: "Where do you want this box to go?......What's in it?...Let's see...."
Me with a sudden realization: "Nooooooooooooooo.."
As far as my family knows, I've only had sex three times. They don't need to be exposed to evidence that would prove otherwise.
In the span of a minute or two I had passed judgement on all. Few were spared. Many banished from my boudoir. The lucky ones bore names of La Perla and Agent Provocateur. They took their place in the plastic tote. The others, harshly judged by their names and age were stuffed into a plastic bag. Their destination? I imagine a lonely little garbage dump somewhere with resident stray dogs battling ravens for ownership of a very fancy tug toy.
You know what is so great about getting rid of clutter and unused items?
The sense of accomplishment and uncluttered space? Nah. You get to buy new stuff! While I have no desire to build my lingerie collection back up to such gluttonous proportions, I wouldn't mind adding something new and fresh....not that my retired lingerie was old and rank..... Hmmm, let's not even get started on that. (Too late. My mind, which is always slightly hinged on the dirty and downright filthy, is already racing with images and bad puns..)
*snap* *snap*
Oh, yes...the new. I was browsing Agent Provocateur's site and found some fantastic new styles! They even do swimwear now! Yes, unlike most women, I get excited when all those racks of bikinis show up in the stores.
The only thing that stands in my way of a fetching new corset or brassiere is the fact that I've lost my lingerie "style." I am at the age where I wouldn't go out in a miniskirt unless I have leggings on underneath it. (Not that I even like miniskirts. I think they are a bit tacky, especially the denim variety. *shudder* I think I just had a bad 80's flashback.) You know, dress your age kind of thing. What is my age anyway? There is my physical age, 35.....my mental age, 15 going on 80. So what about my lingerie age? No one really sees it but your significant other so it really shouldn't matter, right? (rrrrriiiiiiight?)
Well until I decide what is appropriate or not, here are a couple in the yay column.
I know this next one is a bit plain but it is very classic.
Besides swimsuits,AP now offer all kind of accesories from pasties to whips. I found this mask a bit disturbing:
I did, however, find a pair of stockings that are very "me."
I'm not in a hurry though being that all my current bras are engineered for easy access. Not this kind of access:
(yes, those are zippers)
This kind of access:
Sorry, Honey. ;)
Currently
listening
:
SexyBack
By
Justin Timberlake
Release date: 2006-09-11
Did I just stumble into some bad lighting?
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
I sat on the bed this morning, laptop open in front of me, coffee at hand browsing through email and blogs. Delicious coffee....mmmmmmm... (just writing about stimulates my senses...*ahhhhh*), that dark, smooth, elixir that greets me every morning and calls to me as I type this (way too late, but there is always tomorrow). My coffee bliss was broken as I reached to my cup and only found a lukewarm half-sip. "Must get coffeeee", I thought as I got up from the bed. That thought was quickly followed by, "Oohh, I’m getting old...." I had been sitting with my legs in an awkward position for too long and now my legs were stiff. I did my herky-jerky walk to the kitchen to refill my cup.
On the way back, I was in such a state of coffee want that I took a swig.
"Ah!"
Hot! Then I immediately stepped on a bullhead sticker with my bare foot.
"Son-of-a..!" I teetered on one foot while trying to remove the sticker, all the while keeping my mug of liquid gold safe from gravity.
Of course this had to be witnessed by my twelve year old who was halfheartedly stifling a snicker. Being in my pajamas didn’t make it any more dignified either.
Yes, that’s me at my finest. It could be worse. I could’ve been naked. Nothing seems more ego denting than the thought of falling while naked.
Or worse, I could be...
The one thing I want to know is, how is this newsworthy? This was on the NEWS! I can understand those tabloid shows and whatnot, but seriously, the news? *sigh*
Well, since we are amongst the carp, I’ll address something that gets my goat. What the hell are women doing to their faces? Today while watching The Today Show, I saw Kylie Minogue being interviewed. At least, that is who they said it was. Her lips looked strange....
I stumbled upon this photo on the internet of Lara Flynn Boyle:
Who? Yeah, that’s her. Ouch.
Now, they are just two amongst many who are messing with their faces and turning themselves into strangers.... waxen, fake, creepy, child frightening strangers (shudder). Stop it Ladies! For the love of Elvis..
It ain’t easy being green...
Current mood: /
Category: / Blogging
I am proudly part Irish, although that part is a wee bit tiny, proud nonetheless. I think I know where my temper and sailor mouth come from.......well it’s a toss up between the Irish and Grandma.
Alas, no green beer (blech), Guinness, or corned beef for me today. We had a traditional Irish dinner of spaghetti (I forgot about the corned beef in the freezer.) No malty celebration either. Even if I did drink, I would be drinking alone and that could be misinterpreted as a cry for help, not a merry celebration.
So to honor my partial heritage, I decided to post some Irish-isms...enjoy.
Drink is the curse of the land. It makes you fight with your neighbour. It makes you shoot at your landlord-- and it makes you miss him.
An Irishman has an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains him through temporary periods of joy.
The Irish are a fair people; they never speak well of one another. —Samuel Johnson 1709-1784
Hello all. I am checking in on everyone. So much has happened since I was around here last. Maple now has a new little sapling...Yayyyyy! Guany has a new job and another furry roommate in 8-ball. Mary, Mary is busy baking a bun as we speak... good to hear. Life goes on in Myspace land.
Life goes on in my land as well. The last month has been filled with so many thought provoking experiences.
My other grandmother passed away on Valentine's Day. She was 94...we think. As I sat at her funeral and listened to many people speak so lovingly about her, relaying fond memories, I thought, "Who was this woman?" How come I didn't know this lady? Why was the Grandma I knew so distant and unapproachable? I swear she would stiffen up when I forced a hug on her (not the huggy type, but that may have been cultural). Well, the language barrier was one thing but still.....
I have made a huge decision recently.....
Hillary.. oh, wait that's not it but I am so glad she won Texas and Ohio. I just had to throw that in. I was glued to the coverage on CNN last night. Aren't you all excited about this election?
Back to my huge decision.... I am moving. Why? Because it is time. Because I will be closer to my jailbird of a husband. Because I need to do something different with my life. Because, because, because.......
We found a house to rent and it is only a matter of weeks until we move in. I am really excited about moving. The actual process of moving?...Not so much. It is amazing how much stuff you can accumulate over time. I have been experiencing moving schizophrenia. Bouts of intense energetic sorting and packing sessions bookended with moments of overwhelming procrastination that usually end in the fetal position surrounded by boxes of flotsam and jetsam.
So if anyone asks how the packing is going, forgive me if I sputter jibberish and nonsense then break into hysterical cackling.
Remember my great de-cluttering campaign of '07? Update:
Clutter: 6
Tammy: 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have also found the perfect job for me. Well, for the me from thirteen years ago. Unfortunately, now it would be impossible to spend six months traveling the length of the Colorado river while writing and taking pictures about the experience. *sigh*
So now I still yearn to find out what I want to be when I grow up. I definitely know what I don't want to be.........
Well hopefully my search will end before I feel too old to do anything new. I desperately need to do something more fulfilling. This place isn't cutting it....and it only took me ten years to figure that out *cue hysterical cackling* (reality: thickheaded....resume: persistent)
So anyone have use for a fabuless mom who is a one woman juggling act? Hmmmm, that sounds a bit Craigslist freaky, doesn't it?
Maybe if I make a litst of my attributes and weaknesses:
GoodNot So Good
Intelligent Know it all
Wellspoken Sailormouth
Charming Surly
Funny Thinks she's funny
Hot Suffers from delusions
I could go on and on but there is a diaper here with my name on it.......my big poopy name (ugh). Well, at least it is Pampers and not Depends.
Oh, in case anyone was wondering... 98 days and counting (double digits).
Big Brother and Hooters Girls
Current mood: angsty
Category: Sports
Kick off is about to happen. Another year and another Superbowl Sunday. This year it doesn't feel so super. This has been one of the biggest sporting weeks in Arizona and I am missing it all. I've watched all the happenings on the local news and it may as well be a million miles away.
Whining aside, I am excited to watch the game. I will be watching the game in hopes of witnessing history. Those commercials aren't too bad either. Most of the talk tomorrow morning on the news shows will probably be about the commercials. Good, mediocre, funny, boring.....it will all be bandied about. In the week leading up to the big game they always talk about the best commercials of all time. Of course it always comes down to the Apple Orwellian ad. What a Hooters girl has to do with computers is beyond me....
I am also happy to see the Superbowl being played in Arizona. That stadium is amazing and very well worthy of playing host. Hopefully, this is just one Superbowl of many that will be played there. If that is the case, I won't be watching at home next time.
Well, game is about to start and all I am thinking about while watching the coin toss is.... Steve Young is pretty short in person (I met him once).
Why buy the milk......when you can get the cow for free?
Current mood: cantankerous
Category: Life
Did I just call myself a cow?
Some of my latest internet sojourns have been attempts at becoming a more informed mommy. Well, not really. Maybe more like attempts to reassure myself that I am always right. Nothing like a tiny, squirmy bundle of sweetness to turn one into a squirmy bundle of self doubt. So what does that lead to? Late night internet searches on baby feeding, baby poop, fevers and so on.
On one of my recent cyber journeys I came across a new word........
Lactivist
What is a lactivist, you say? A champion of the right to breastfeed freely, when and where we choose. That is all paraphrasing...but you get the gist. Okay I didn't really read the whole lactivist manifesto but I am assuming.... I could say that I don't have the time but really I'm just being lazy. Well, time is an issue but it is mostly laziness. I mean look at my Myspace page. I started fiddling around with it a couple of weeks ago and it still is in a state of disarray. That could be a whole blog in itself.... does your Myspace page reflect your life? In my case yes... messy, unfinished and needs a lot of tweeking. At least that doesn't describe my sex life ( I don't have one.....but that is another blog).
Where was I? Oh yes.... here we go.
So, am I a lactivist? I'm not sure. I think breastfeeding is extremely important. I have breastfed all of my children. I am still spending a good chunk of my time with my buttons undone and a baby attached. She is just over six months now. What I find strange is the opinion people offer on the subject. I get people asking me now when am I going to stop and put her on the bottle. I tell them that I have no intention of stopping anytime soon. My daughter breastfed until she was around 11 months and my son until he was almost 2 (yes, 2, so what of it?). When I say this, quite often, I get looks of surprise and judgement. Now that alone is enough to push me into full-fledged lactivism.
I think, though, that true"lactivists" are more about the wherever and whenever issue. I think that nursing in public is fine but I am discreet and "drape". I don't want to embarrass the young man taking my order at breakfast. Besides, I don't just whip these babies out for anyone. If the girls are going to be on display there better be some shiny plastic beads involved and at least a "whhhoooooooo."
I do feed wherever and whenever though. I haven't had any looks of disgust thrown my way. Just grabbing, drooling and lip smacking.... then there's the baby.
I find it funny that people would be offended. I guess for those men they prefer their boobs without a baby attached and preferably jiggling, glittery and in low lighting. I don't even know where to begin with women who find it offensive. They must have husbands who come home with a smile on their faces not to mention tiny specks of an unknown shiny metallic substance.
I think I'll start my own movement. For lack of a catchy sounding word and my brain being udderly drained of cleverness, I'll go with MKB. Mommy knows best. Even though I have successfully raised two children so far, I am still second guessing myself at times with this little one. The pediatrician doesn't help the situation. What is it with these doctors? First my OB, now the pediatrician. Is it just me? I don't think so.
Two examples of my insolence:
* I sleep with my baby. I did it with the first two and I'm doing it again. It is a big no-no, but I do it. It works and I've never had a problem. Hundreds of years ago, people did not use cribs.... baby stayed next to mommy.
* My doctor wanted me to start feeding her cereal at 4 1/2 months. I didn't. She may be on the petite side but she is healthy! I just barely started feeding her foods. Sometime she eats them, sometime she doesn't.
I get irritated because I feel like a suspicious eye is cast when I don't follow the supposed rules. Who made these up anyway? Ever notice all the stuff in doctors' offices that come from corporations? Here, have a free formula sample. Oh, is that a free Gerber feeding chart? I don't even think my pediatrician has children of her own (she is horrible at putting the diaper back on the baby).
Moms of the world (daddies too) join with me. Rise up, bare your breasts and shout from the rooftops.... Mommy Knows Best! Of course, that may make you look a little loopy and wake up the baby at the same time. Instead, you might want to quietly whisper in the house because rooftops and babies don't mix and uhhh keep your clothes on while you're at it.....
naughty
vexed
blessed
confident
accomplished
angsty
