George Carlin...

George Carlin is dead.

I love stand up comedy and I love comedians. Stand up comedy is something I've always kept in the back of my mind  as something that would be just the coolest thing in the world to do for a living, but would probably never happen. I've been a fan of stand up comedy for a long time, too. I can remember staying up late on weekends when I was 11/12 years old to catch late night stand up that was televised on some ungodly high numbered cable channel.

Through the years I have watched a plethora of stand up comedians perform, mostly on television, both well and not-so-well known. I've even managed to see early recorded performances of famous comedians like Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, and Robert Klein. The one person that always seemed constant though was George Carlin. Every few years he had a new special on HBO and it was always a treat to see them. Seeing as a good body of George's work happened before I was born, it was fantastic growing up and being able to go back and discover his older performances. Then, after reaching adulthood, I was able to see George live three times. The last time was actually this past March.

George Carlin was a big influence in my life; the closest thing to a hero that I had. If my mother is to be believed though, he began influencing me much earlier than I ever even realized. I don't exactly remember the first time I encountered George's comedy, but here's a story that my mother likes to share sometimes:

When I was about three years old my mom put me to bed for the night. At the time we lived in a relatively small house and my bedroom was just down the hall from the living room. One night my mom supposedly put me to bed and then thinking that I was asleep, turned the television over to HBO and began watching a George Carlin special. George did a bit where he repeated the phrase "fucking trucks" several times. The next day my mom walked into the room while I was playing with some toy cars saying, "Fucking trucks, fucking trucks" in a sing-song sort of way. Shocked, my mom jumped into action. 

"No, no! Uh... those are... TRUCKING trucks!"
"Oh okay! Trucking trucks, trucking trucks...". Disaster averted.

I have no recollection of this event and I have never seen a bit where George goes on about fucking trucks since (not that I've gone out of my way to do so) but I'll take the story at face value. I like the idea that George Carlin was a part of my life that early on. Now that he's gone, I'm depressed and can only repeat a mantra of profanity that's strangely calming. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cock sucker, mother fucker, and tits.

5:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Looking for a Cure

Someone recently asked me how I like my job or something very similar. My response, "I have good days and bad ones". Shortly thereafter I realized that this is a typical response when you ask about the status of someone that has a terminal disease. I certainly don't hate my job, so why should it be comparable to chemo?

I've had completely shit jobs in the past that I absolutely hated, so it's not like I'm ungrateful to be doing what I am. I guess it just frustrates me that when you encapsulate my job in a bubble, ignoring all the outside influence, it's practically perfect for me, but once you factor in outside influences (people, corporate b.s., etc.) it starts to suck. And just we're clear, when I say "people" I mean co-workers and customers. I like most of my co-workers, but some can be really annoying, some become annoying without trying or even meaning too; it just happens. Same with customers. Most of them are decent, but once in a while some of them are total dicks and they just ruin any fun my job might provide.

I guess it all comes down to taking the good with the bad. Maybe I should focus more on the good so that it doesn't sound like I have cancer when people ask me how work is going.

11:59 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Seventy Seven Things I Hate About You...

The other day at work one of the supervisors was moving desks. During the process she rediscovered a number of things that she had forgotten she even had. One of these things was a list. A couple of my co-workers were looking at the list at one point when I wandered over to see what was going on. A cursory glance over the list immediately made me wonder whose list it was.

I asked and was told that the supervisor in position of the list had found it about a year ago in the parking lot at work. It’s interesting because it is basically a list of negative traits of some unknown female. There are no names or other identifying marks; it is totally anonymous. It is a hand written, bulleted list that covers the entire front, and three-fourths of the back of a standard 8.5 x 11 inch sheet of paper. The most interesting aspect: this is a photo copy. Who made copies? How many did they make? To whom were they distributed? No idea... but here for your entertainment is the list, unedited.

- smokes cigarettes alot and she’s not quitting
- pops pimples on mirror
- doesn’t flush the toilet
- leaves coffee cups everywhere
- loves being covered in dog hair
- bad with money
- believes in palm reading
- uses her car as a trash can
- leaves her underwear all over the house
- takes all of her clothes out of the cloest when getting dressed
- makes a castle made of cigarette butts in the ash tray
- lights too many candles
- won’t eat anything but a turkey sandwich for lunch
- puts words in my mouth
- takes everything I say and manipulates it to mean something horrible
- exhales very loud when she can’t sleep so I wake up
- turns all the lights on when she gets up before me
- buys 100 different soaps
- puts dishes in the dishwasher with food still on them
- spends money on massages all the time
- only buys food for herself when she goes grocery shopping
- eats all the food I have to buy
- listens to Sarah Mclaughlin - I think she’s gay
- claims to be very mature (NOTE: the word ’very’ was added later, smaller and with a carot symbol under it. A definite afterthought.)
- very selfish
- buys self-help books and never uses them
- thinks Dr. Phil is a genius because he makes things sound so simple
- tells me she’s not hungry when I cook, then eats off my plate
- gets "anxiety" when she hangs out with my family and friends
- feels like a "third wheel" when we go out with others
- doesn’t like me to talk to her when she gets home from work
- secretly checks my e-mail for me
- takes 30 minute showers
- puts 100 holes in the walls to hang things then rearranges and repeats
- rearranges the furniture once a month
- thiniks her horoscope is always right, if its not, she makes it right
- buys shitty bread
- spends extra for "natural" or "organic" groceries
- drives her car till its below empty
- lets her dog lay on the pillow I sleep on
- steals the covers
- only gives me 1/4 of the bed
- can only orgasm in 1 position 1 way
- puts white towels in with my dark clothes so I get fuzz balls
*There’s actually a line here that’s cut off at the top of the page, on the back of the sheet. I can’t make it out.*
- buys random things on sale that we have no use for
- always leaves the apartment to talk on the phone
- tells her mom everything
- can’t cook
- uses myspace against me to start arguments
- leaves the curling iron on
- leaves the coffee pot on
- relocates things so they are never in the same place
- when I am looking for something she never has time to show me where it is
- never answers her phone when I call
- never returns movies
- makes awkward noises during sex
- keeps the house hot!
- starts things and doesn’t finish them
- bought mary kay makeup and never sold it
- lets her dog shit + piss on the floor with no punishment
- tissueaholic
- leaves tissues everywhere
- says nevermind too often
- never wants to go out but later on complains that we don’t go out
- tells me she hates the people she works with, but hangs out with them anyway, outside of work
- installs viruses on my computer from clicking too much (NOTE: I’m pretty sure the word is "clicking". Not sure what else it could be.)
- never pays me back when she says she is
- doesn’t ever wear bras
- hates when I correct her
- never shares her gum
- when I fondle her she thinks I am using her as a toy
- used to do coke
- her mom has been to the loony bin several times
- has dated older men
- messy toothpaste/toothbrush user

7:17 PM - 15 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

I Can’t Understand You...
Category: Life

There are days when I go to work and I just can't understand people, and that's upsetting because what I do revolves around the ability to communicate clearly. I work in an inbound call center. Phone calls come in, customers tell us what's wrong, we do our best to fix it (yeah, it's a tech support type thing). My job is to answer questions for the guys on the phones from both a technical and policy aspect. I don't have time for verbal dalliances or idle chatter, that's what a blog is for! My job is to get to the root of the matter and try to get it fixed as quickly as possible. The single most important thing in a situation like this is good communication. The problem I have is that some people don't seem to know how to tell you what they need.

Recently I was walking down an aisle between desks at work. As I came around the corner, a co-worker stared by me as I got closer. He had a look on his face that resembled one I had seen previously on the face of my chocolate lab as he sat in front of the back door, whimpering, indicating that he needed to do his business. I stopped when I got close to him and asked if I could help. He made a statement, "I'm trying to do [some work related activity]" (the actual statment eludes me at the moment). I stood there for a moment trying to decide if there was a period at the end of that sentence, or three in rapid succession. After a pause of about fifteen seconds, I decided on the latter and asked, "...and?"

"And... can you help me with this?" Aha! We come to the point of the matter!

I learned very early on in my job that clear, concise, communication is important. I also learned never to make assumptions about anything. I never assume that a customer that calls in will understand what I mean if I talk in technical terms, I never assume that a customer will give me all the pertinent detials if I don't ask for them, and I never assume that my co-workers want my help. If they need it, all they have to do was ask, but I don't read minds. I stopped trying to do that a long time ago during awkward moments when people thought I was just staring at them funny.

It also irks me when people ask me if they can ask me a question. You just did! No on needs permission to ask me anything at work, or otherwise. If you have a question, just shoot. I'm a straight forward individual. Either I will answer you or I won't, but there's no reason to beat around the bush about things.

Basically, I think that people in general just need to learn how to talk to one another. We all need to be more direct about things and just put our ideas out there. I think it was said best in Cool Hand Luke, "What we got here is a failure to communicate!"

Currently reading : Gentlemen of the Road: A Tale of Adventure By Michael Chabon Release date: 30 October, 2007

11:06 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment