What Happens when I Free Write
Current mood: rebellious
Category: Blogging
Broken Pain Suffering
I sit in my pit and enjoy the muck. Looking for my next victim - I see the mirror. Self Sabotage and self pity are my strength.
My rock, in whom I trust, is brittle sand and pale light. I put my faith in flesh - withering and sinful.
My joy is pain. My pain is sorrow. Joy is sorrow.
Love is a dream, a far off likeness of something I do not know. Hope is awareness of the now being dark. Peace is death.
God, I know you not as I do myself! Why do I struggle and fight your design? I hate my false Hope. My love is crushed. Death is comforting.
Imagery of these things runs like a picture show in my mind. However, not the same, not in a line - a splattering, flashing, tumultuous gorge of smacks and awakenings.
Wake me up! Save me from myself! I scream inside.
I wake up knowing you do not save me from myself... I must turn into myself to battle from within. You guide me through this time but, the effort is a must, without faith there is no motion.
Running, fleeting, scared I avoid you, Lord God. The pain of knowing myself compared to your light breaks my weak heart.
I love you Lord, show me what it means to love. I desire your peace Lord - show me your peace. Joy, in you Lord, is beautiful... show me your beauty.
I am lonely Lord. I want to be wrapped in your arms, physically embraced, cared for and loved.
Live in my heart, Lord God in Heaven. I want to know you more.
Sad, Lost, Lonely, Broken
Current mood: sad
Category: Blogging
I recently have been feeling very sad. A lot has come together all at once to make it seem like everything is falling apart. The basic result is depression.
I lost my job on 7/11/08. I really wasn't surprised about that but, it rocked me more than I thought it would have. I have had a lot of free time lately but, instead of doing good things I have been sitting here feeling sorry for myself waiting for the world around me to have pity on me. I know it isn't going to happen but, that is how I have dealt with it before.
I have been lonely as well. The increased amount of lonliness and extra time have lead to an abundance of time online. Even with the software on my computer that shuts down my browser when I look at naughty stuff, I have been able to find ways around that even. So, recently I have been getting asked: what have you been doing with your time? I wish I could honestly reply to them with the truth: a lot of masterbation.
With that horrifying truth hitting me square in the face I have been broken spiritually. I spend my outward life (outside my home) in service to the community in the name of Jesus but, in my domain I have been a slave to images of flesh and self gratification. I feel so empty inside.
Losing my job, constantly being reminded of my sin, and indulging so readily in my sin have left me broken to the core. I have asked the Holy Spirit to continue to break me as it will make me grow rather than run from my brokeness. However, I am reluctant in my pursuit of the work I must do as well. I don't pray. I don't make time for God. I don't want to. And, I enjoy sinning at the time. But, I always look back at my actions in disgust.
Tonight, in church, I felt the prescence of Jesus as I sat in front of the cross. I felt Jesus come to me and rest his hand on my hand. But, when I tried to grasp on to Him I couldn't. He turned away. And, he said to me, "Arise!" over and over, "Arise!" I arose from my gloom and glum refreshed by the grace of our King that I do not have to carry around my sin. Thanks be to God.
A change is in order. My life is not my own. I must make sacrafices. And, for some reason, as I prayed tonight I was feeling the need to cut my hair. So, tonight, I went home and got out a pair of scissors and cut my own hair. The profile picture is the result. I am pretty happy with it. Nothing drastic as my hair is still longer than most peoples but, it is no where near the mane I had before. I cut all my hair so, it is no longer long enough to get into my eyes or mouth.
Praise be to God. Change is on the horizon for me. Timothy
Homeless Part II Q & A
Current mood: excited
Category: Life
I am going to take your questions and, I will answer them as candidly as I can for you. I will call you when I am done as well.
1. What were your previous views of the homeless? My view of the homeless was an image of a problem that was utterly faceless. All I could think of is the "dirty" person with shopping carts sleeping under the overpass whenever I thought of an individual. My experience with the homeless was purely conceptual from seeing things on television or movies. The reality of the people was never brought to light in any of those programs. What I learned in school never got down to the details of anything close to what a person embodies when they are faced with desparate circumstances or whatever. My view of the homeless was more of a debate topic or public fodder than of the individual stories that make up the body of that community.
you mentioned that you previously saw them as a community and not as individuals. How did that perception affect the way you treated the homeless, or lived your life? I never really paid much attention to the homeless people I see because of stereotypes or preconceived notions of who I see based on unfounded, biased, inaccurate nonsense fed me by popular culture. I would have to say that I still feel giving money to a homeless person is not the "best" way to help them.
2. What were stereotypes you had? One of the stereotypes I had was that the people who are homeless that stand on street corners asking for money are just doing it for booze or whatever. I can't say that this weekend really changed that one. My stereotypes aren't really the thing that might have changed. The reality is that I was just plain ignorant to the community of people without homes that surround us and, are mixed among us in the society that we as a people have created. The awareness was instilled in an awesome manner of getting me outside my box and breaking down the barriers within my own soul to plunge into an experience that would change that ignorance into awareness.
3. Why did you go to the LB Rescue Mission? The GO campaign is a call that I have been hearing for quite some time. This experience rung true in my heart from the moment I heard about it. I feel called to close proximity ministry. I feel my heartstrings being pulled for the people that are right next door rather than thousands of miles away. I have always felt that local mission is just as important as distant mission. I mean, look at how far Jesus travelled from his own birthplace in his entire life = not far at all. This plunge into an urban environment to interact, serve, and experience a glimpse of the life that is led by the people we encountered was just what I was hearing the call to do. It just felt like the right experience for me in everyway.
4. What did you do? Outline version: Showed up @ 5pm Fri Interacted and Dined with the Community of people without homes Retreated to our Group - Ice Breakers, games, group activity Slept outside (by choice, in a protected area as well) Woke up early and helped serve breakfast Sat Morn (half the group was interacting) Retreated to Group - Group interaction, quasi Bible study, special speaker @ Noon - sent out to eat without money, cell phones or any means went to Lincoln Park to interact with the homeless community where they are Came back to help serve dinner and Dine as part of them Chapel Retreated to Group - Worked on developing our individual mission plan Slept outside Woke up - Interacted with community before breakfast Sun Morn (the group was split in half so, the others where helping with bfast) then dined with them Retreated to Group - Shared our experiences and Individual mission plans Lunch with the community Departed
Serve, work, hang out with the people, etc? As you can see we were very busy - no real down time. We served, interacted, and bonded as a group. It was awesome.
5. How did hearing someone's story (ex. Jimmy Johnson) change your perception of the homeless community in general? Evangelism doesn't come easy to me. I am not an estute person when it comes to biblical knowledge. However, stricking up conversations with these people who were at the Long Beach Rescue Mission seemed so easy to do. We could talk about whatever and, if God wanted to use them then they opened up to reveal how God has been working in their lives. What is interesting is how it was about them as a child of God; there was nothing about their situation of being without a home. God used this experience, those people, and my open ears to transform my reality of what God is in my life and how he speaks to me. The telling of one's own story is something that the person telling it knows more than anything in their life. The way that God has worked in that person's life is beautiful, powerful, and clear. I got goose bumps when Jimmy Johnson opened up to share his story. I felt the prescence of God in that moment. It was real and powerful. Because of this weekend experience called the Urban Plunge I have learned that all I have to do is tell my story like these marvelous people have shown me. It is powerful to hear God speaking to you when someone else is talking about their walk with God. It pains me to hear people try to evangelize with "you" statements that instill guilt and pain: the reaction is only defensive and/or painful. Telling my story I can draw someone into my world so they can see how God is working in my life which shows them how God is working in theirs as well. Very powerful, potent, valuable learning experience for me.
6. Have you spoken to Jimmy Johnson since then? I have not spoken to any of the people that I encountered that weekend outside the group of us that went. My call is not with the homeless. I feel led to go another direction. What this weekend has done for me is to open my heart to be led by God towards the goal he has for me. The location, people, and experiences where perfect to rattle my sturdy cages that I have put my faith in. I thank God everyday for calling me to GO on the Plunge.
7. How did God move in you? God has turned one of my largest insecurities into an asset. I feel comfortable telling people my story and, now I know that is how God uses me to do his work and touch the hearts of the people who listen. God has also taught me to listen for his call. I am affraid of what it might be at times but, I listen eagerly for it anyways. I feel God working within me and through me more and more everyday. This GO experience also helped me connect with other people at RockHarbor who even now spur me towards becoming the person God sees me as.
How did this trip change you, and continue to change you? Even now, as I reflect on something that took place 3 1/2 weeks ago, I am amazed at how much I have grown spiritually. Often, in times of everyday life with the hustling and business I fail to spend time looking internally or listening for God to speak to me. This experience encouraged me to take that time that I needed to get connected with God - something I know now is a wonderful thing.
8. How will looking at homeless as individuals be better than previously lumping them together as a community? Ignorance of the homeless community has kept me from putting a face on the homeless. Even now I can't say I am an expert on the homeless. Quite humbling actually to find out that there is so much that I don't know. It seems the more I learn, the more I learn I don't know. What I have learned is that the people I talked to are people. They are people just like you and me. Each one I talked to talked back. I know I am getting back to basics on this but, that is one of the things that I learned myself. I never took the time to get to know someone who was homeless. It just wasn't on my to do list - ever. Some of them are easier to talk to than others. I can now feel more comfortable around the people without homes. Rather than just pointing from a distance, I can strick up a conversation. What is amazing is how just taking some time to say a few words can make that person's day. Even in that short time of interaction there could be a seed planted from God through you in that person. That is awesome.
9. How are you changed? How has your view of God, your peers, and the homeless changed? I am changed. I am changed daily by the power of God in my life. I hear God's voice more clearly now than I did a few weeks ago. God's voice in my life is something relatively new. I am still getting used to it. I see the world in a new light. I see my purpose differently. I see people of all walks of life no matter what their circumstances (ie, homeless). I don't know what it all means. I can't explain it all the time. But, I can say that it is a wonderfully good thing.
What has this trip taught you about Jesus? I have heard it taught how Jesus interacted with the lowest of the low, the people discarded by society. I have now caught a glimpse of what that truely meant. Popular culture driven people just wouldn't understand why I felt called to do this experience. It goes against the grain of so many things of what popular culture and modern living uses as standards. However, that is exactly why it is so powerful of an experience. Subverting culture is exactly what Jesus did. Now I have done it, even if it was a glimpse, too.
Veronica, I hope this helps a bit. You can call me anytime tomorrow. I will make time for you, wink. Timothy
I sit here thinking to myself about the day: an awesome day but, in the end I am still alone. I sit back and think about my life and, how I can plug in to this world. I have no answers.
I realize that most of the people I interact with have no vested interest in me as a person. I am just a person that disappears in the crowd of life. It saddens me to to think about it.
I think about spending my life with someone. I wonder what I can offer the other person. Does it have to be something truely spectacular? All I have to give is to share my life with whomever wants to be at my side. It seems that just isn't enough.
I am a complex thinker with a simple heart. Life is complicated enough without adding to the confusion. I don't want to have my life become more complex to spend it with someone else.
I take joy in lifes simple pleasures. Sitting next to someone I care about caressing the small of her back, the palm of her hand, and just being still with her makes my heart overflow with joy.
I can't make it happen; it is something that cannot be forced. However, I feel that my laid back approach might be to subtle. I am not one to chase. So, I wait in humility for the chance to come and go. My heartstrings feel the grasp of love ebb and flow without the resolve of capture.
---------------------------------------------
I look at my phone everyday (throughout the day) waiting for someone to call or text. I am disappointed everyday when I fail to see a glimpse of connection to the world outside my "box." On the other hand, I become overjoyed when I get a call, message, or voicemail: I feel loved, connected, cared about and worthwhile. Today there was no such luck.
I had the opportunity to go back to my old ways and, the temptation was fierce. I resisted. I just don't know if the circumstances were different or if my life continues the way it is going now that I can keep resisting.
If you are reading this please don't feel sorry for me. I don't want pity. I just like a little validation every now and again. Realizing that it doesn't come is humbling. Accepting it is hard. Humility is where I am left. Humility is where I reside.
I pray, God, please guide my heart and my eyes to follow your path as today I have strayed from looking up. Today I spent to much time looking at what the world has to offer me instead of looking what your will is for me to offer the world on your behalf. I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
------------------------------------------------
I thought of something I wanted to add -
Part of the reason I felt this way was because I started making a mental note of my friends: it saddened me. I really don't have any strong friendships. I don't.
Today, at the AIDS walk, I told someone that I was going to walk with them during the walk and, a friend and his friend met us there as well. During the walk I didn't like the pace so, I left them in the dust and, just walked faster leaving them behind. I wasn't considerate of the consequences of doing what I did and, for that I felt bad about leaving them behind.
I put my agenda ahead of the people I was with. I made other plans that day so, I wanted to walk faster to "get it over with" so, I could move on to the other things I wanted to do. I don't know but, I feel that I shouldn't have done that. It wouldn't have killed me to walk with them at the slower pace but, I didn't. I didn't.
I accept the consequences of my actions and, I recognize them as well. It doesn't make the consequences feel any better.
RockHarbor has started this Go Campaign that has pulled on my heartstrings. I felt the call to Go. The concept is to stay at the Samaritan House in Long Beach with the homeless community for 3 days and 2 nights. So, the concept sounds cool. The reality would turn out to be radically different than my expectations.
After work on Friday, I get in my car and, I drive to Long Beach. I get there a little after 5:00 pm and I walk up to the front door looking for the leader of our group. As soon as I open the door, WHAM, I am blasted with this odor. I think to myself, "I am really doing this!" After we all gather and settle in we immediately joined the homeless community, not in service, but as part of them in the chapel waiting for dinner. We waited for what seemed like an eternity as I was plunged into a world that I knew nothing about. I was surrounded by people I didn't know and, the temperature started rising. This chapel holds about 100 people or so. It was full!
A gentleman sitting to my right was very pleasant and easy to talk to as we were waiting we talked about how many people were there. He explained to me that towards the end of the month more people show up due to their SSI checks running out.
We continued to sit and, I just couldn't stand the temperature anymore. I muttered, "It's gettin' hot in here." The gentleman to my left agreed. He offered me this bit of wisdom: when it is hot think of a being in a cool place. Don't think about the heat and, you won't be as hot. That opened the door and broke the ice for our conversation that followed.
I learned his name, Jimmy Johnson. He began, reluctantly, to talk to me about his journey. He talked about how he recently came to Christ in the last 2 weeks. He talked about how his mother and brother had recently died. He talked about being in prison so, he couldn't go to his brother's funeral. He talked about how God has transformed him and, how he no longer wants to use or sell drugs. This man was an inspiration to me.
Everything I thought that I was going to bring to the table this weekend was crushed in the first hour of being there with my first real interaction right then with Jimmy Johnson. I had chills running down my spine as I realized that I could learn so much from this community of people by not looking at them as a community but, to look at them as individual people with a story to tell.
The weekend was filled with more of the same experience one after another. The people I met are people. They all have names. They all have stories. They all have something to offer. Spending time in the park with them, part of them, allowed more insight to be had.
Sitting in the park talking to Barbara and Jeffrey we noticed a crowd starting to rush the curb. It was a truck that had stopped to give out sack lunches and clean socks. I walked over there myself because that is part of the experience. As I got closer I noticed the people walking away from the truck were empty handed. What struck me more was the woman who had nothing left to give stood there empty handed.
That could have been me! The look on her face as she had nothing left to offer these people was a look that I never want to have for anyone. It was sad. She had no choice but, to get back in her truck and drive away. It got me to thinking. Have we missed the point?
It is easy to throw quick fixes at a problem and walk away. The road less traveled is to join these people and meet them where they are at. Just talking to them has taught me more about Jesus and why he came and spent time with the people he did than I could have ever figured out by reading the Word.
I thank God for this experience. I thank God for speaking to me through these people. I thank God for the followers of Christ who all heard the call to this experience. It isn't only about serving the community as much as it is about being part of the community.
What is amazing to me is how much someone's story can speak to the power of Christ working in their life. It doesn't take a degree in theology to see the transformation in each person who blessed me with their story. God speaks to each and every one of us all the time. Are you ready to take the plunge?
Disneyland with RJ
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Friends
Celebrating RJ's recent graduation from Marine Boot Camp, he spent some time with my family of which we went to Disneyland. It was a Monday and, after I left work I came to find out that my brother, his friend, and RJ were all at the park so, since I have an annual pass I chose to join them(mom also joined us after she got off work as well). First stop was Space Mountain(after which Mom showed up). Then dinner at Rainforest Cafe. After dinner was more rides in Disney's CA Adventure- CA Sreaming, Maliboomer, and Tower of Terror. Mom went home and, the rest of us went over to the Disneyland side for more rides-Pirates, Mansion, Thunder Mountain and, then I went home. The boys stayed another 40 more mins and hit Space again staying until after the park had closed. I was home in bed by that time. I am very proud of RJ becoming a Marine. It was a great joy to be able to spend some time with him at that park that day.
On Friday Evening I saw something remarkable. The sunset was breathtaking. And, the cherry on top was a beautiful, full spectrum rainbow of rainbows. I wear polarized sunglasses that make them come alive even more brilliantly. The vividness of the rainbow was phenomonal. As I gazed away from the sunset to bask in awe of the rainbow I had to at least try to capture it: I wanted to pause time for a moment and share it with others. Realizing all I had with me was my cell phone which has the highest resolution of 640x480 I proceeded to capture the following photographs. I put my sunglasses that are polarized in front of the lense to let you see what I saw. I wish I had decided to take the pictures earlier when the rainbow was much more vivid and bright.
The Rainbow was much more brilliant only minutes before these poor attempts at capturing them. The sunset followed with great conviction. This was on a Friday, at the end of the week, and at the beginning of what was to become a great game night at a friend's place.
rebellious
sad
giggly
lonely
touched
indescribable
peaceful
