SPIDERS and me
Current mood: anxious
Category: Parties and Nightlife

I am being tortured in my own home. For some reason, and this is a life long stand off, the spider family hold a deeply rooted vendetta against me. It looks like word finally followed me to the fluffy green shores of Americae that a constant attack should be launched. They are smarter than me, I can admit that. A man needs to know when he is dealing with his betters. But they could be a little more classy about their assaults. They only strike when I am at my weakest, i.e eating cereal in my underwear in bed watching that real estate infomercial where that short guy in glasses touts his "get rich off houses secrets" to a tall italian guy with greasy hair.

The most recent attack had me jumping out of bed to then trip over my laundry bag. They pulled the old one-two approach. On the wall behind my headboard, just inches from me , INCHES FROM ME, one of them slowly showed off his six extra legs by walking at a diagonal angle toward my head. He was the decoy. With my antelope like reflexes in action i sprung to my left only to see, the second infiltrator. BIGGER, MUCH BIGGER than his friend, this guy had abseiled all the way from the ceiling and was about to land right on my grey cloth covered hip!!! Of course its never like the movies. Instead of strapping on a bandana and jumping into action, I screamed in a note i didint even know i had and tumbled off the bed. I could hear the other spiders over their radios all cackling with laughter and grabbing their bristly sides. How cheap. later, draped in a sheet and weeping into a bottle of ameretto I vowed to be rid of them. I always do. I find them way more scary than roches. Roches have attitude. I dont mind them. They go about their business, hailing taxies in chinatown or what not.

Spiders are just out to cause trouble. It was not always like this however. There is a beginning to this story of Tom and the spiders. This following is true. I used to be best friends with spiders. When I was 0-4 yrs old i loved them. We would hang out. I found them ticklish and pleasant. The ones with the small bodies and huge legs were my faves. I called them "dissolving spiders". I don't know why. So one day I was outside running around at my usual high jinks like digging moats in sand and then covering them with water, until I found my way over to an old blue metallic pugeot that was up on blocks behind the house. This thing was so cool. It was straight from an elvis movie. It had these pointy tail-lights that made it look like a spaceship! So for some reason i decided to go hang out underneath the car. Every word of this is true by the way. Its sounds like the beginning of a super heroes life, or cat woman's anyway. I was under the car looking at it when out of nowhere all these spiders started crawling on me. I guess i had knocked open a nest or something. And it wasnt just one kind of spider. It was like freakin Woodstock! I didn't know to be scared. I thought this was great fun. They were tickling me and I thought that was cool, until I rolled out from under the car and stood up. There were thousands of these guys running all over me so I called my sister or my mother to come see. I don't remember who came over, but thats when it got bad. All I remember was this contorted horrified face, and a blood curdling scream! Terrified by the noise, and with the learning mind of a three year old, I slowly looked down at my outfit of arachnids in a new light and howled like i never had before. It all went dark after that. I think I fell unconscious from screaming!!!!

This is a lesson in conditioning. Since then, to be in the same room as a spider makes me want t go live on the moon. They'd probably get me there too though. They're probably watching right now. Waiting. Waiting...

Next week I talk about how to wash a kitchen floor, guy style, with an old t-shirt and some dish soap.

10:17 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

----Spring Summer collection From Tom Hayes----
Current mood: luminous

Im sitting at my kitchen table, with the window open and the birds a singing. It's nice. It definitely beats buttoning a million buttons and zips before waddling out the door like the michelin man, onto the street where all the other michelin men are waddling. Some have little michelin men, and now a days, some have little michelin dogs too! Thankfully, the necessity seems to be gone now for another year. I love that in this city, as soon it goes north of 71 degrees, people come out of the shadows wearing the perfect summer outfit. The Soho boys have the sleeves of their impeccably cut white cotton shirts rolled up, dark leather mandles lulling from their crossed heels as they coo over the cous-cous on Crosby street. The girls bring it too, strutting out of J. Crew with their pleated shorts cut just above the knee, sunglasses a la hubcaps, and that sharp looking jaw you know you could grate cheese on. I on the other hand, stay inside wondering whats happening, darting from window to window like the Grinch! I sound angry but i'm not. I feel like I may be a step behind however. These guys were prepared for the season change, I was not! Somewhere between hot yoga, cold yoga, and trips to the apple store, they've been squirllishly amassing a summer wardrobe piece by piece. Then they waited for that weather on the ones 7 day forecast to give them the green light. I wish i had such foresight! Instead of adorning a Bently-ready outfit, I am again forced to trudge into my room with the scissors from the kitchen and cut all my pants off just above the shin.

Sometimes I think fondly of the summers and springs of my childhood. They were simpler times as wardrobe issues go. There were two things I wore as pants. I remember I had a good pair of blue shorts for things like family photographs, Sundays, old people, and audiences with the bishop. I also had my favorite, one awesome rock and roll pair of faded denim shorts. Oh they were great. I don't remember where they came from, but they arrived the year I built the tree house. I struggle to remember if they were ever washed, but I know I wore them every day for 4 months, every summer, for years! I remember the day they were gone. One morning I just couldn't find them. I guess they walked away. It was probably for the best though. They were slowly becoming a pair of denim hot-pants. Funny how things change. I used to see my knees all the time. They were fine with me and I was fine with them. We'd hang out and pick at scabs together, see how green we could get from falling on the grass, or just watch t.v. It was a real relationship. Now we just glance at each other while getting in and out of bed, and of course, I can feel their disapproving glare when i try on clothes in the changing room. We have grown apart. Now in my mid-twenties (was my birthday recently((sob)), I feel older. Its a good time to be alive. You feel like you get what's happening to an extent so that you feel you can interact with the world, having an idea of the possible outcome. But also when you get blind sided or knocked on your backside by a new thing, you are in a place where you can enjoy the feeling of seeing something totally new and have fun seeing how you do in response to it. I wonder if I am too young to start wearing linen pants? At the store do you have to be as old as the cut out of Carl Reiner to purchase? I think i'd like a pair. Sting probably has loads of em. Is that a reason not to buy? Do you have to have the right lifestyle to be able to pull them off? I used to live a the projects in Bushwick and almost bought a pair then.

On a non pants note, Thanks so much for comin to the show on Saturday :) It was awesome to have you guys there. Im lookin forward to the upcoming shows through spring and summer. I have some awesome new guys adding themselves to the live mix, and a surprise on stage from me you wouldn't expect to see! (its not denim hot pants)

have a great week in then sun :)

p.s I just thought of this. How about a reality show where you and your knees have to go into a house and be filmed all the time doing tasks trying to rekindle what you lost?

T

06:38 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

!!!!!!!!!!!!THIS COMING SATURDAY APRIL 12!!!!!!!!!!!
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Music

Oh i am so sorry about the title. Its the closest i get to blatant advertising these days. This coming saturday april 12th at 10pm myself and some very talented friends of mine will play a show at The Rockwood Music Hall, on Allen St at just off East Houston st.
Now for the real reason we’re all here. Can anyone tell me where can get one of those foot exfoliating scrubber things? I ’m bored in the evenings these days. I really feel like i’m getting older. It was my birthday last week! its not because of that however. Its not too obvious, but there are a few subtle signs creeping into my peripheral vision. Right now an episode of "gossip girl" is on the t.v beside me. I’m unable to get it anymore. Maybe its the one dimensional post teen actors, or the over active eyebrows, or perhaps because i’ve been without at t.v for two years, but i don’t feel as carried away with the boob tube anymore. Story lines don’t make me want to sit and escape my current situation anymore. Maybe I should be resurfacing my feet instead. I would be, but you haven’t told me where I can get one of those foot things. Isnt life funny? three years ago I was in Ireland scraping candle wax of my desk, wondering why I cant write songs , and tonight i’m in new york city, without a desk,no candle wax mind you, but still asking myself why I cant write! This saturday I do however have four new songs to add to the set! These guys i’ll be playin with are awesome musicians too. Trevor Exter will be ..o, Ryan Vaughn on rhythm, and john price on the lower tones!
We go on at 10pm :0 and it would be awesome to see ya there!!
I have to get out of bed now, walk 8 blocks, catch a bus, then catch a train, get out, walk 5 blocks, catch another train, then walk 8 blocks to go have a meeting with my chief council, Paul Basile. I shall be sweaty. Toot on my feathery friends.
Love
Tom

06:30 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

PAULA VALSTEIN AT JOES PUB THIS FRIDAY!!
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Music

DID you read the headline???!!

this is awesome, no its past awesome, its beyond awesome, its like the awesomeness of finding $20 in your winter coat pocket when you put it on for the first time since the year before!!!

Paula Valstein (who you should all know, if you dont already) is releasing her e.p this friday march 28th at Joes Pub at 9pm!

This place is cool, and big, so plenty room for granny. you know what that means...Date night! Yeah!

Paula is an incredible musician, and singer, and songwriter, and also a keen clay pigeon enthusiast.

She has some really great guys playin with her too. The new e.p sounds really great, and there’ll be copies ther for one d all. except paul basile. he’s just a bad guy.

The show starts at 9 sharp, but ya should get there round

02:00 PM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

NEW BLOG NEW BLOG FROM TOM
Current mood: angsty
Category: Automotive

Hey, its saturday evening, and while all you other wonderful people are out enjoying the weekend in the city, swinging off lamp posts and such, i'v just finished off some largely proportioned chinese take out. The scene looks like a poorly funded college staging of a Greek tragedy with a modern twist. An empty coke can, along with a half eaten box of brown rice, sit atop a thrift store chess board, (on the floor of course). To their left is a plastic container, its lid now wreathed in condensation as General Tso's chicken congeals in the corners of the tub below. To the left again, is the empty plastic bag it arrived in. On the front there's a picture of a severed yellow head with a broad smile on its face. The eyes are dilated like that music video some band had out a few years back. Ya know the one where all these families are out in their gardens and their smiles are way too wide and really creepy looking? I forget the band,,, and the song,, but it was a good song.. Then underneath the face reads the message "Have a nice Day". On the bedside table next to me, there's a half eaten box of french chocolates, a dark red nearly hollowed out candle, and a tape recorder from the 70's. Sometimes I feel like i'm in a Beckett play..

This is my saturday night. Its here inside my closed room (its not really closed, it has a curtain for a door so that I can live like the horse trainers in Mongolia) that I wait patiently for that boney finger of time to come tapping at my own mortality... Between the two laced sash windows at the foot of the bed is a black and white poster of Miles Davis. Everyone who talks about him who have talked to people who met him say he was a really mean guy. I guess he was allowed to be. One guy told me once, that Sting had a famous jazz musician come to his office for an important urgent meeting. Upon arriving, his secretary hurried the jazz guy dow a hall from the office and opened a door to room, inside of which sat sting, in a bath, nipple-deep in suds. The leathery faced warbler with that knowing educated face of his, held out an arm toward the poor man and offered him a sponge, uttering the words "Wash me". True story.
Anyway,,my guitar keeps shooting me these judgmental glances from its stand, over by the wall. Its mocking me. I can hear it. I think it and the poster are in cahouts. Thats not how you spell cahouts, i know that, but i'm being ironic so that I can appeal to the Williamsburg crowd! OH Bazzzzing!!!.


I should be practicing. I should be running to the kitchen barefoot throwing sheets and sheets of manuscript into the air as I search for a blank piece of paper to scrawl my masterpiece on. I should, but i wont. I have the human condition don't you know... You see its far more exciting if I don't move, and keep the potential as potential. Then it will always be the possible greatness to come! Its kind of like when you think back to lovely times you had as a kid. You know the ones. The pictures are rounded at the edges, the colors are a little watery and there's this sense of perpetual happiness with enough birthday cake for everyone. Those moments exist continuously in our minds eye, never having a dropping off point. Its like that, but in the future.


I just noticed that I can see my feet over the top of my laptop from my position on the bed, but not my legs. It looks like they're growing out of the duvet. I can imagine the Gary Larson drawing- "Oh William get the hedge clippers, those Darn feet are back again".

I should cut my toes nails. I wonder if Flo-Joe did the same thing with her toes as she did with her fingers. It would be difficult to find shoes I guess. OK, so for the wonderful souls who read my blog, lets try and begin an excrcise that we'll do every week. I'll write a new blog every week, and every week we'll come up with a new thing that we all should try.. It sounds like a good idea, but that could just be because my computer is heating up the denim on my legs and the dye is seeping into my blood stream affecting my thoughts. Oh that makes me sound a little crazy doesn't it?. I just giggled out loud in a really high pitched way..LOL Now Who'S cRaZy HUH?! LOL..

Anyway, how are you guys doin? what are you doing on the weekends? I feel like I should be out there with the proletariate but you know,,, the stairs.. Too many stairs in the city.
Have an awesome night and remember to tip your chinese food delivery guy. They climb far more stairs than I ever could. I salute them. Gnite :)

This week the exercise is to TELL EVERYBODY YOU KNOW THAT I'M PLAYING MY NEXT FULL BAND SHOW THIS COMING SATURDAY FEB 9TH AT 8PM AT THE ROCKWOOD MUSIC HALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also the exercise includes that you must come to the show and bring those small packets of orange sauce you get with chinese. They didnt bring any this time!

-Tom

10:27 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR LAST NIGHT
Current mood: happy
Category: Music

Guys, Last nights show was the best time I have had at a gig!!

Thank you so much for bein there at the Rockwood Music Hall and hangin out! We ran out of c'd's but if ya didnt get one I promise you will next time :) I was still makin them till about an hour before the show but just had to leave or i would have been late!

I also don't think I'v ever sweat so much at a show in my life, and I sweat a lot!!!
Of course the sweat went into my eyes, so I couldn't open them,,its a vicious circle..

On Bass Last night was Jon Price, a close friend and incredible musician who plays with so many bands.

On the box, and shaker, and other cool rhythmey things was Ryan Vaughn, a sweet heart of a guy and awesome percussionist. He lives in Jersey, but thats ok.

And on my right was Trevor Exter on cello. One of the most talented people I have ever payed with, he has an incredible energy and soul to his playing.

The man behind the curtain near the ceiling on sound was Mr Ken Rockwood, the owner of Rockwood Music Hall and resident Captain Fantastic! You should be there every night of the week coz its always full of great music!

Have an awesome weekend! I'm gonna go write new songs for the next show, and I would love ya to come and hang out again :)

p.s I just ate a bacon egg and cheese hero for breakfast and it was greeeeassily good!!

-Tom

11:10 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I need you at a show this thursday!!
Current mood: sassy
Category: Music

My friends my friends!!!

Its the weekend and instead of my usual pop tart marathon, I decided to start goin to the gym three times a week!

This has come after a decision I arrived at after visiting a clothes store recently. I spied a pair of those oh so hip skinny jeans, looking at me from the corner. The appropriate size in hand, I humped my way along to the changing rooms.
Sheepishly i removed my jeans, my blue-ish white knees wavering slightly at the sight of the tight fit to come. Moments later I was standing afront the mirror, trying to see if there was a way to wear jeans that fastened slightly below the thigh. There is not. I looked like those dancing hot dogs at the movies. Weeping softly, my cheeks red with memories of all those mid afternoon chicken buckets, I retreated.
The point is, don't have powdered sugar for breakfast. Your boss will think thats coke on your sweater, and it doesn't make you happy in the long run. Oh yes, this coming Thursday (jan 24th) I play my first full band show at The Rockwood Music Hall with John Price (of the heavyweights) on Bass, Trevor Exter (of Trevor Exter) on cello, and Ryan Vaughn (of every band from here to Philly) on drums. I shall sing and play guitar :) We go on at 9pm sharp. If you can come it would mean so much to me, Its my first show with these awesome guys, and I want them to feel loved. I cant love them, I am too full of hate as I cannot find loose fitting pantaloons. It is my personal hell. I love you, and if you want to bring pop tarts to the show, you may. Remember to Always feed the animals...

-Tom

p.s Rockwood is at 196 allen street, just off east Houston street. Ya can take the F to 2nd av and walk along houston to get to allen :)

12:47 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Its Sunday!
Current mood: amorous

Good Morning my wonderful cohorts!
Its sunday, I am once again to be found eating breakfast in the form of Pop Tarts, (from the box) in bed, and so thought I would include you in my weekend routine!

I just got a new computer, so to celebrate, I shall be blogging in a way you could have imagined! And yes, although it may come as a surprise, irish people in fact DO have opposable thumbs :)

Along the lines of music, the awesome people at Local Correspondence are having their 2 year anniversary show at the Rockwood Music Hall on January 28th with some awesome people and you should all be there. I will be in attendance, and shall give one free poptart to each person who comes up to me and says "poptart" to me!

These days I am also recordin here and there, so I hope to have some new music to give you soon :)

I may have a show or two comin up too so I'll let ya know when I find out

I have to go, my breakfast just fell behind the bed..:(

Have an awesome week, and happy new year!

12:00 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I Play Rockwood at 7pm!!
Current mood: lazy
Category: Music

GUYS!!!!

IM PLAYIN ROCKWOOD AT 7 TONIGHT!

ID LOVE TO SEE YA , YOU CAN TAKE THE OPPERTUNITY TO LAUGH AT ALL THE HOLIDAY POUNDS IV ADDED!!!!

ITS A SOLO SHOW, TWO DAYS AFTER XMAS, ON A RAINY DAY, SO I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!

THEY'LL BREAK MY LEGS!

LOVE,

TOM

01:00 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

New Song!

Hey hey hey!

no, its not fat abbot, its tom, sayin come to my page, Listen to my new song and tell me what you think!!

stay warm :)

-T

06:49 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment