Happy Birthday to me

3:46 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I am not dead

You ever have one of those moments where you look around at the dishes in the sink, your French neighbor zipping past the window, and the way the pale blue veins just beneath the surface of your skin draw secret roadmaps~ and you realize you are intensely alive, that even with what broke your heart and burned you up and bled you you're still here. You didn't die, you didn't succumb. In the secret room of your heart you kept that one silver grain of sand that let you rebuild the whole damn thing, and you did. It's all heartbreakingly yours.

And you love every clerestory inch of it because you are not dead. You are intensely alive, wrapped in a shimmering cloak of cerulean blue with bright gold ribbons.

11:48 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Channeling Grace

So for the last month or so I've been doing freelance work that I inherited from my friend, Grace. She gave birth to a glorious, sweet-nosed little boy named Soren and has taken a time out to be a mama.
What I've noticed about the work is how hard it's been to start. I have wasted entire days pacing, washing dishes, talking on the phone and looking through my pantry. I've been shocked to see the clock say 4:30! with the horror that all I've done is e-mail a friend back. At that point the anxiety balloons into a crushing monster and I panic, convinced I'll miss all the deadlines and they'll never work with me again.

Stop.

Breathe.

Sit down in front of the machine.

And every time I start, I feel better. Just the act of starting makes my pulse slow down, my stomach unclench a little. As I get into the process my shoulders descend and I feel good, productive, like I'm doing something in the world. I feel like a rock star when the work is finished, or at least a regular person.

The amazing part of this? I forget every morning. Like the guy in Memento, I have no recollection of the day before, that the worst part *was* the waiting. The pain is in the resistance.
So lately I have been channeling my friend Grace. Her approach is nonchalant, almost blasé-- she works very hard, is thorough, and turned out great stuff when we worked together, but I never saw her get crazy, ball-fisted wound-up like I do. There's no charge in it when she gets started.

It's been working. I still procrastinate some, but then I ask myself, What would Grace do right now? The answer is usually: she'd get started so she could be on time to meet her friend for dinner tonight. And then I think, Hey, I better get started so I can have dinner with Scott tonight.
And I sit down. And I do.

1:43 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I ain't got none

Just for right now, I have no faith.  Gone.  Zippo. 

I can't stand it, not again.  Being laid off is hard.  They decided to move the co. across the country, I can't do anything about that. 

It's scary to feel so lost, like the ground underneath me is shifting and I only have a pen flashlight to see what's beneath or before me.  This is a situation where a lot of faith is called for, and I can't summon any. 

This does not feel like it's for my best.  I wish I had the enthusiasm of a cocker spaniel for this change, this opportunity to find better work and earn more money.  Mostly I feel sucker-punched.

4:30 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Child's Moon

You can set your watch by it (if you still have one, no one seems to in the cell phone age), I always perk up come January 1. 

Yesterday I went hiking with 3 friends and their 4 dogs, we conquered a steep and brambly mountain (well, it felt like a mountain) in Griffith Park.  When we reached the top, winded and sweaty, we could see ribbons of road dotted with brown and white homes and the mountains beyond the Valley.  A big milky child's moon hung low and opaque in the hazy, late afternoon sun.

Even as I struggled to breathe (it was a tough asthma day), I thought, I'm back, I'm back.  In January I exhale long and slow, thank goodness.

1:42 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

On the rowboat

Sometimes I feel so lonely. Especially in December, it's usually the worst then, like there's an empty hole in the back of my stomach and anything that feels good inside me can't stay in, it all falls out.
Then I remember we're all on this big stupid ship together, just a bunch of weird-ass sailors trying to make it through the swells to placid waters. I feel alone and it's terrifying, but I'm not alone, just achingly lonely. The distinction is important, when I can remember.
January is just around the corner. And this December is not as bad as last year. There is progress.
I will feel better when we reach shore.

1:02 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I got stood up

For the full story [] go to my food blog, http://thewaytoeat.blogspot.com  Because somehow, food is usually the answer.  It brings me back to earth.

I've been wondering what I'm supposed to take away from this experience.  Lately I've had a disappointing run of it with the gentlemen callers... what's a lady to do?  Sometimes I think I hear the Goddess whispering to me, Just be a lesbian, other times I think it's a sign to become a celibate zen-master Yogini.  Hmmm, but neither of those options feel quite right.

Ay dios mio.  Good thing I can dance.  At least I don't need a man for that!

4:45 PM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Mortified

Oh Jesus Christ. Why do I do this to myself? Utterly mortified. If only a hole would open up and swallow me down, I gotta get out of here.

So I put myself out there. Was direct in my colorful sweet way, and he turned me down. There is a spear fight in my stomach, a mini-army of crazed warriors killing each other and shrieking. The guy didn't even have the decency to be an asshole about it, he was gracious and respectful and a little funny-- if he'd be less attractive, maybe be a schmuck, that would help a lot more right now.

Oy vey, why do I do this to myself? Did I really misread his interest? I usually gauge a man's attraction to me pretty well.

Being vulnerable and getting rejected is horrible. I take the rejection personally and assume it's because I'm too ugly/fat/boring/crazy/uptight/not enough. I don't think, maybe he only dates sistas, or maybe he's an alcoholic or stoner and I'm lucky he turned me down, or maybe he'd be boring in bed. My first impulse is to believe I'm lacking somehow; it seems so real to think I suck.

sigh.

Is there anything positive? Anything I can not hate myself for? Ok, this: at least I went for it. I didn't sit silently, waiting and hoping and burning. At least I was brave and put myself out there, made it clear what I wanted. I respect myself for that, even though right now I wish I lived in a deep dark cave protected by miles of thorny brush.

It's so hard to be a person.

Currently listening : I Am Shelby Lynne By Shelby Lynne Release date: 25 January, 2000

10:07 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Did you feel that?

The earth shifted. Just a little, but right beneath my feet.

I love when those tectonic plates slide just for me.

11:18 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

It's like a joke, except it fucking sucks.

I found out last night that someone else I know died.  For those of you keeping score, that's 5 people in the last 8 days.  It's a bad, bad joke, the worst kind because it's not even funny.

This latest person was a guy I went to college with, Charles Tamez.  He had Texan sass to spare, was remarkably clever, threw a lot of shade but was very kind to me.  He was an excellent guide into the mind-expanding experiences I had while I was in school, and was especially caring when I was ka-razy my first year.

He was also the first gay guy I made out with; at a party late one night he contended gay men were better kissers, which I said was bullshit.  How could he know?  He logically tossed back, How could I know?  Had I kissed any gay men?  Excellent point.  So we smooched a bit for the sake of research... I had to concede that Charles may have been right (despite the very small sample size). 

And now he's gone too.  ugh.  basta.  fuck.  Someone is fired, I just have to figure out who.  This week sucks.

1:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment