Factors Contributing to My Current Mood (a list):
Current mood: itchy

1. Inadequate sleep

2. Construction on N. Scottsdale Rd

3. Gnats in hotel room

4. Nothing good on TV

5. Mysteriously dry skin, which is unhelped by moisturizers

6. Recent consumption of an entire order of garlic bread 

7. Have accomplished nothing of personal value or importance in over five years  

8. No current plans to accomplish anything significant.  Ever.

9. Stock market has dashed hopes of an early retirement

10. Kind of itchy (see dry skin above)

5:54 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

meh

I seem to be using Myspace again.  Don't tell anyone, okay?  It seems important to keep in touch with people who apparently hate Facebook and keep track of some bands with shows I might go to.  Not that I go to a lot of shows.  I cry too much at shows and it's weird and makes no sense.  In other news, I had my 5 year anniversary at work.  In the future, I hope that I will be referring to these five years as The Worst Five Years of My Life.  But I am still lacking an exit strategy.  So I will stay a bit longer.  And will work on that exit strategy in my free time.      

8:37 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Don’t ask me -- I just live here

So my Mums is out visiting, has been all week, and will remain another week and a half (no joke).  She has a few other fish to fry, so I won't be responsible for entertaining her the whole time, but I do want to think of some things to do other than the ever popular "sitting in Tracy and Joshua's apartment reading books Fun-Fest".  We had tapas the other night, and that went over well as we drank a pitcher of sangria (yes, I'm off the wagon, if you're asking).  And she's had the authentic experiences of William H. Macy the Bum calling her a leprechaun, and some other guy leering at her and mumbling something unintelligible.  And we rode the BART, and went down to Vallejo to visit cousins I haven't seen since I was a wee pup.  So now what? 

Here are some activities I've considered (keeping in mind the fact that I am a) lazy, and b) antisocial):

1. Museum?  I'd prefer something weird and uncrowded, like the 3D Art Museum in Portland, but the only museum I've actually been to here was SFMOMA.  But I don't like talking about art, or listening to other people talk about art.  If there was a Mute Museum, that would be perfect. 

2. Pub crawl

3. A gay tour of The Gay Castro -- I don't know what this would involve beyond, "Here's a gay bar.  Here's a porn shop.  Here's the Gay Cleaners..."  But if we could get an *actual Gay* to give the tour while walking backwards like they did on prospective student tours at Oberlin, this could be fun.  ("To your left you will see the only pine tree on campus... oh wait, there's another one....")

4. "Ganga treats" and aimless wandering in the Haight.  This is a horrible idea, and something I would never do.  Unless we got really bored and sick of each other. 

5. Rent a car and go to Napa.  Recreate scenes from "Sideways" 

That's all I can think of.  I have noted before that I don't particularly take advantage of where I live, and that fact has become clearer to me since my Mom got here. I really do like reading more than I like going out, for the most part.  Anyway, if any locals or insiders have thoughts of things that will be enjoyable for my mother and not too daunting for me, I am quite open to suggestions. 

Currently reading : A General Theory of Love By Thomas Lewis Release date: 09 January, 2001

3:10 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

D.A.R.E. to keep Tracy off alcohol
Current mood: sober

So I've completed a full week without an alcoholic beverage, possibly not the only such week in recent years, but the only one I can remember off the top of my head.  I'm sorry to say, I feel a lot better.  I still have no interest in work, but I do have interest in other things, and that's a change from baseline in my book.  Apparently alcohol is a depressant? 

Unfortunately Wikipedia seems to suggest that I will be stupider abstinent than I was as a drunk (please see below).  I'm torn.  My gut tells me that it's more important to be smart than it is to be happy, but as I am not an actual genius or anything, is there really anything at risk if I get a bit dumber?  Surely this is correlation, not causation, right??  Smart people are more likely to drink because they have more insight into the futility of existence or something?  Or the people who don't drink are members of strict religions that discourage free thought?  Wikipedia, I need more data! 

On an unrelated note, William H. Macy The Bum is singing "La Cucaracha" out on the corner.  He, I happen to know, drinks Steel Reserve.  But I don't think he's all that smart.  Or anyway, he's homophobic, which I equate with being dumb.  Correlation then. 

"Research has demonstrated a positive association between moderate drinking and cognition or thinking ability. A study of 6,033 British civil servants who were followed an average of 11 years found that those who consumed at least one drink in the previous week, compared with those who did not, were significantly less likely to have poor cognitive function. The beneficial effect extended to those drinking more than 240 g per week (approximately 30 drinks). Higher levels of consumption were not investigated. ^[46] A three-year longitudinal study of several hundred men in the Netherlands found that low-to-moderate alcohol drinking was associated with a significantly lower risk for poor cognitive function than abstaining. ^[47] A large prospective study that examined the effects of alcohol consumption on men 18 years later found that non-drinkers and heavy drinkers had the poorest cognitive ability. Moderate alcohol consumption was associated with the highest cognitive performance later in life.(82) ^[48] A longitudinal study in France found that, among the women studied, moderate alcohol consumption was associated with higher cognitive function. Moderate drinkers were 2.5 times more likely to receive the highest cognitive ability scores than were abstainers. ^[49]

Two recent studies have added to the evidence that drinking in moderation is associated with better cognitive ability. Researchers in Australia studied 7,485 people age 20 to 64. They found that moderate drinkers performed better than abstainers on all measures of cognitive ability. ^[50]"

8:51 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

agoraphobia?

So, I used to have pretty bad social phobia when I was younger.  I cried any time I had to stand in front of a class and speak or read I think until I was about a sophomore in high school.  And I distinctly remember never wanting to sharpen my pencil because the pencil sharpener was at the front of the room and people might look at me if I went up there (!!!).  I think I still have some social anxiety, but other people disagree.  I guess particularly people that I work with see me more as loud and obnoxious rather than quiet and timid, and there's some truth to that.  It's either a miracle of modern pharmacology, or I really did get over some amount of my fear, and decided to take it in the other direction with the assumption that if I criticize myself loudly enough, no one else will feel a need to chime in. This is boring stuff I hardly think about, and you couldn't possibly be interested, but I find myself wondering today if I might sort of be agoraphobic but just have spent most of my life not feeling like I had the option to be as much of a recluse as I'd like.  And the loud thing is just that I am so deeply uncomfortable that I have to keep talking or else I'll realize it and flip out. 

I've been working from home all week and I really don't want to go out.  I make myself go to the mailbox or the grocery store with Joshua because I think it is abnormal and unhealthy to stay indoors all day, but I really don't want to go out.  I like the outdoors, don't get me wrong, but in San Francisco the outdoors aren't so much the outdoors as much as an obstacle course to avoid sexually aggressive men, Mercy Corps canvassers, and piles of dog crap.  Am I just to lazy to engage with my surroundings?  I can't go to a "cool hangout" without a nagging feeling of self-loathing, and the only way I ever really dealt with this before was by drinking like a fish, but I have decided I need to stop doing that for both public and private reasons -- I turn into a social liability when I drink, and it's making me fat.  So I'm stopping, for now at least.  And that's sort of a big deal to me because I have had a drink whenever I was uncomfortable in a social sitaution at least since I was 21, and whenever I could get one before that.  So now that I've stopped, I kind of don't want to be social anymore. 

If I wait long enough, will I get over my shit and decide to leave the apartment?  Will I break down and have a drink?  Will the party come to me?  Will I buy a wii and turn into an awkward teenage boy?  I do not know.  

I have claimed, at various points, that my depression stems from a pathological inability to forsee a positive outcome from anything I might do.  Sort of a learned helplessness theory, which could come from the fact that I think most things are predetermined by biology, or I see myself as a particularly ineffective person, or my brain is broken.  Of course I could potentially enjoy the outcome of a decision, say, to quit my job and move into a trailer in the desert, but there's also a good chance that my dissatisfaction and inborn uncoolness would follow me there.  And so what?  People don't have to be happy, or cool, or even social.  And yet these things bother me. 

I like when you read about the life of a great thinker, or writer, or whatever, and there'll be some blurb that will go like, "He spent the next five years refining his theories before publishing the book that would change the field forever" or something like that.  And I'm like, Really?  That's all he did for five years?  I can't focus on a task for more than an hour or so at a time, and even if it's long term, I can't see the progress if I can't chart it week by week.  And who has five years to spend on anything?  If I had to spend five years to accomplish something, it would be like, "She spent the next five years watching entire seasons of television shows on DVD in single sittings.  She also went to the grocery store and the laundromat, and there were some family obligations in there, and a couple of failed relationships, and a paying job or two, hundreds of hangovers, and the constant daily maintenance required to keep a human body from falling to pieces.  Eventually, she sat down to work.  When you get down to it, it probably took her five years to accomplish something that she should have gotten done in about a month.  What a loser!"  By the way, if I ever do get famous by some fluke, I am most definitely going to ghostwrite my own biography.  I think it would be hilair!       

So I don't know.  Maybe I am too impatient.  I might still find some use for myself, and maybe it's okay that I don't really want to interact with the world right now.  It's nothing against the world; I just don't feel that I have much to contribute at this moment.  I am liking reading, and podcasts, and television (unfortunately), and I'm thinking about hypnosis and vitamins, and I'm digging the sunshine giving me a tan through my bedroom window.  So that's good for starters.  I guess it is just that I think I'm always wanting things from people, things that aren't well defined, and things that they probably aren't aware of and that I certainly don't know how to ask for, and then I don't get them, and I wonder why I didn't stay home.  I feel like a little bit of a failed vampire that's trying to steal people's joy or their energy so I can have some.  Like I am just so horribly dull that I have to mug somebody else's brain to have something interesting to say.  And you know, people don't really like being mugged.  Is that what it is?  I don't even know.  I think I stopped making sense a long time ago.  Point is, I think I'm staying in tonight.       

Currently reading : Winkie By Clifford Chase Release date: 10 June, 2007

2:11 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

when I get married

Gabe just brought the LOLCat Bible to my attention, and I couldn't be happier.  Everyone has 1 Corinthians 13 read at their wedding, but this is so much better:

"iff i talkd wif teh tungz of manz n angylz, n duzzn haz luff, i are becom liek teh human, knockin down all teh potz n panz frm teh shelf, srsly.2 iff i haz powarz of liek tellin the futurez an if i has access to teh internets, an i gotz all teh missteriez an all teh knowingz an all teh faithz, enuff 2 taek all teh mowntanz awayz, an i duzzn haz luff, i gotz nuffink.3 an evn iff i givez all mai stuffz awai, n iff i delivur mai bodiz to b burnded up, and i duzzn haz luff, i gotz nuffink.

4 Luv is pashient n kind, luv haz no jelusniss or showin offz, luv no is stuck-up5 or r00dz. Luv no insistzes on doin it rite, itz not pisst off alla tiem or rezentflufflele.6 Luv izzn all happiez about doin it wrong, but is happiez about teh truthz.7 Luv putz up wiht all teh stuffz, beelivez all teh stuffz, hoepz for all teh stuffz. Luv putz up wiht all teh stuffz... i sed that areddy?

8 Luv no haz endingz. Tellin the futurez, tungz, an alla stuffz u know wil die.9 We haz knowingz a bit, an we haz profacy a bit. We no haz two much tho.10 O, wait. Win teh perfict coemz, teh not perfict will dyez, lolol.11 Wen i wuz a kitten, i meweded leik a kitten, thinkded liek a kittenz, an I chazed strings liek a kittenz. Wen i wuz becomez a cat, i NO WANT kitten waiz ne moar.12 For nao we see in teh foggy mirorr like when teh human gets out of teh shower, but tehn we see faec tow faec. Nao i haz knowingz just a bit, tehn i will haz all teh knowingz, as i haz been knownz.

13 Nao faithz an hoepz an luvz r hear, theses threes, but teh bestest iz teh luv. srsly. "

If there were cute pictures for each verse, that would be even better. 

11:00 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

"it is what it is"

I just wanted to go on record that I am going to punch the next person who says the words, "It is what it is" to me.  Unless it's my mother saying it.  If my mother says it, I'll just scream.  Because you can't punch your mother.  But anyone else, seriously, Blammo.  Here are some alternatives I would prefer:

"I'm sorry, I either can't or refuse to fix this situation."

"We are all victims of a cruel and indifferent world."

"I am too depressed to attempt to change anything, ever, and specifically have no interest in attempting to change this."

"It is crap."

12:31 PM - 3 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

i can’t enjoy myself

I have lapsed into some horrible, melodramatic place.  I worked from home one day -- one day alone, not smiling for anyone, and I'm a fucking mess.  Is acting happy because there are people around the same thing as being happy?  Because everyone thinks I'm happy, and really I am, except if no one else is here I want to beat my head against the wall, or worse.  Briefly, I thought I might be having a nervous breakdown -- I couldn't stop laughing -- but no such luck, as I seem to be lucid enough now.  I don't know why I am writing a godamned blog.  I guess I want to document the fact that I think I'm really sick.  Or not sick, normal, I don't know.  I feel poisonous.  I think maybe everyone hates being alive, but there's just this religious/familial/biological pressure to stick it out until you die of cancer/organ failure/car crash and then people can say, "S/he had a full life!  Or died too young!" instead of, "Why should that suicidal asshole be exempt for the suffering the rest of us are enduring?"  But i don't think I am cut out for this, or anything really.  Maybe I should have stayed in Ohio, became a teacher or something normal, married someone who could tolerate me.  Some people can tolerate me; I just can't tolerate being tolerated.  I don't know that any choice I might have made would have made anything different though.  I have had probably the easiest life of anyone I know, and I still have a complete inability to cope.         

Do you know what I still really like?  I like Sufjan Stevens.  That's about it.  I mean, I like my friends too, but, you know, sometimes I don't like thinking about them or talking to them because they are usually in pain too, and then there are all of the problems created by trying to communicate with another person, etc.  But I do like music.  It's nice.  I don't know if I like books anymore.  They sort of just remind me of the fact that I am none of the things I want to be.  I guess that's all I really wanted to say. I have to work on site again tomorrow, so I should probably start acting normal again soon.     

5:22 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

New for ’08!

I would like a psychological or biological or even-just-logical explanation of why it is that my response to being depressed and dissatisfied with life is to feel compelled to spend money.  Isn't dependence on money what got me into this mess in the first place?  Fortunately it's damn near impossible to find a Wii in this town, and I already overpaid for the one I got my parents, so when I buy a second, I'd like it to be retail.  But I am also fantasizing about island vacations, exercise equipment that wouldn't fit in my apartment, and real furniture that isn't older than me.  Why is this happening?  Lack of these things is not what is making me unhappy, so why do I think that getting them would make me happier?  Capitalism is so for suckers.  I need to move somewhere less goddamned commercialistic.  Like a cave. 

On a related note, I think that I am unhappy because I am never home, am always in hotels and airports and hospitals.  But I'm not really sure.  It might be something else.  Or maybe I'm not unhappy. There's a strong argument for that as well.  But if I am happy, let me be the first to say it's not all they promised it would be.  But nothing ever is. 

Currently reading : Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers By Mary Roach Release date: May, 2004

11:53 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Awesome!

So I drive maybe two or three times a month on average since moving to SF, but I've been driving to and from work here in Cinci while I've been home and I managed to get in an accident and possibly total my car last night leaving work.  Maybe I just shouldn't have a license. 

I will miss my car if it's totaled, but I guess it's not really practical to pay insurance on something I drive for like two weeks out of the year at most.  On an unrelated note, I do feel like the world might be getting more awful the longer I live.  I don't think I'm to blame, but I'd still rather not witness it.   I am starting to fantasize about living in a trailer in the middle of nowhere and finding some job where I can work from home and be a hermit.  But then I guess I'd still hear about all the awful things that are happening to my friends out in the world.  Can hermits have friends?  I don't know. I'm going to go shopping now and attempt to purchase some holiday cheer. 

7:03 AM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment