The Two Divider Grocery Store Story. Store Story? It Seems Weird, But I Think That’s Right.
Category: Life
So I was at the grocery store because I needed food. Rumor has it that's the place to go when that happens. I don't know, it might just be a rumor. Ok, so I go to put my food on the conveyer. When this cunt. Wait, how can I say this to get the true meaning as to what she was? This super-dooper-pooper-flopper-mega CUNT puts 2 dividers between our food. 2! I will let that sink in for a bit. I need to pee. Seriously, envision that situation. The 2 divider thing not me peeing. Although I know some of you can't resist that thought.
Ok, I am back. Wow, I said "pee" and "peeing." How very manly of me.
I am not sure why she did this. Maybe she thought that her food was superior to mine? Maybe she thought that my food had some disease? I am not sure, but I did know that I needed to find out.
I am not the most confrontational of people, but I do have my moments. I wasn't going to let this particular one slip by.
First, let me paint the picture for you.
Ha! Just kidding, suckas!
This lady was in her late 50's. She was missing quite a few of her "teef." I imagine that is how she would pronounce "teeth." I still reside in Oklahoma and I think that's how they all say it. She had flabby arms. Picture your grandma's arms. Now multiply that by 10. Yeah, I had to see the flab jiggle while she slammed 2 dividers down. I do not wish that upon my worst enemy. She slammed them down like Jordon throwing down the sickest dunk when he was in his prime.
So, in a curious yet courteous voice, I ask her what's the point of putting 2 dividers between our items. She, in a raspy voice that can only be duplicated by smoking 3 packs-a-day of unfiltered cigs for 30 plus years, replies, "Because that's what I do!"
Because that's what she does?!?!
I had nothing to retort with. She won. She will always win with that reply. I am stealing this from her. It is the "paper beats rock" of responses.
If there is one minor victory I can take away from this, it's that I have, and have always had more "teef" then her:
P.S. Her arms were flabbier than my chins.
P.P.S. For real.
Currently
listening
:
Stay Positive
By
The Hold Steady
Release date: 2008-07-15
There were 2 tiny kittens all snuggled up on a grassy field. The field was full of fluffy flowers. A cute, yet kooky little koala bear comes up to them and say's, "Hey, little fellas, do you mind if I cuddle with you?" The kittens purr ever so quitely and the koala bear joins them. It begins to rain and a radiant rainbow can be seen off in the horizon. The 3 cuddly creatures scamper ever so nimbly through the flowery, green, grassy field. They soon find shelter inside of a house. The man living in the house gives them toys to play with. The adorable animals were ever so happy. The toys, however, were made in China and they all died of lead poisoning unhappily ever after. The end.
Currently
listening
:
With The Lights Out
By
Nirvana
Release date: 23 November, 2004
There's a few things I love in life; my family, my girlfriend, making people laugh. But, there has always been something that's always been there for me-- television. Sweet, sweet television-- and now because some greedy bastards are too cheap to justifiably pay the masterminds, the ones who create the fantastic storylines, the arcs, the witty banter, I get to potentially suffer?
Call me selfish, but television has been my slutty mistress since I was a little kid. I remember where I was when the bicycle shop owner was making Arnold and Dudley pose like they were playing Tarzan. I too was posing like Tarzan. I felt like I was there. In a way that guy was molesting me. Wait...
I remember when Rerun was bootlegging that Doobie Brothers concert. Rerun is the best dancer ever! Speaking of which, I was break dancing the other day (even at 30 I was able to pop off a sweet 8 rotation back spin). I had to show off the skills that helped me win a break dancing showdown when I was 8. Who do you think taught me all my sweet moves?
I could go on and on about how I remember the time that Zach was afraid that if Slater could drive he would steal Kelly from him. What did he do? Sabotage, of course. Slater crashed the car and a locker fell on Kelly. Stupid, Preppy!
I guess what I am saying is that I wasted a lot of time watching television as a child. Sure, I could have been out running around. I did plenty of that too, but I'll be damned if I wasn't going to watch every damn very special episode of Blossom. They were all special to me!
I learned a lot from television when I was a child. And now because some greasy big wigs aren't willing to pay the writers what they deserve other kids might not be able to grow up to be fat and lazy like me? Yeah they have their video games and their fancy internets, but that's not enough! Reruns aren't going to cut it. There was only one Rerun that was ever worth a shit, and it's this fly dude in the middle:
Come on! Pay the writers! They should get a huge cut of DVD and internet sales. It's sad enough that there are so many damn reality shows on TV. Think of the fat, lazy children.
THINK OF THE FAT, LAZY CHILDREN!!
You might say, "But, Gerald, we have other problems to worry about like Diabetes, AIDS and Cancer." You would be wrong though. All I have heard about the past few days is how the writers are on strike. That is the most important thing going on in the World right now. We need to fix this tragedy before it gets too out of control. If I don't find out if Coach Taylor leads the Dillon Panthers to another State Championship I will cry.
Am I Going To Hell? Probably.
Current mood: Sinister
I just posted this comment on my fuckface brother's profile. It would be funny if it weren't true. Back story- he currently lives in San Diego--
The other day mom and I changed your life insurance so we both would get a substantially larger sum when you die. We then made up big signs that said, "Go Fire!" and "Firefighters: You suck!" After spending 5 hours in a row listening to that Bloodhound Gang song, we gave up on the fire doing its job. We do have a backup plan though. Be careful the next time you turn your ignition on.
Ok, it's not true; most of it anyway. We did hire someone to kill him though. Have fun sleeping tonight, Brandon...if you make it that far, d-bag.
I can't wait until this backfires on me and someone actually does kill him. Or, by some fucked up twist of irony, he dies in some freak house fire.
Currently
listening
:
One Fierce Beer Coaster
By
The Bloodhound Gang
Release date: 03 December, 1996
Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC Agrees With This Post
When I lived in Michigan I used to be a sales manager for DirecTv and ADT Home Security. It was a great job. I worked a lot, but got paid tons from the commissions of others so I didn't mind the long hours. I had a lot of fun at that job. We all partied pretty hard, but still took care of business. I was in charge of hiring, training, motivating, firing and so on. Not bad for a punk ass 24 year old.
I could go on and on as to how cool of a job it was, but I want to focus on the hiring of people. Well, one person in particular.
Some of the people I hired were strictly telemarketers. I could tell who were going to be the main sales people and who I would stick on the phone. You could just tell. One of the telemarketers I hired was a lanky, buzzed haired high school kid that really liked Limp Bizkit. Despite his love for the huge bag of douche that is Fred Durst, he seemed otherwise pretty personable so I gave him a chance. He didn't do too well so I had to fire him. Maybe I shouldn't have.
Yeah, I hired somebody that ended up becoming a pedophile. Oops, but we didn't exactly have the "do you molest little kids?" question on our application.
My former boss told me about this yesterday. He told me that this piece of shit will more than likely get 5-15 years. That's it? Well, I thought "that's it?" until I thought of how bad they treat low-life scum like him in prison. Then I realized that he will probably only be alive for maybe a year tops. Even if he does live longer than that he will be beaten and raped repeatedly day in and day out. But still...
Then I thought that even if the worst of the worst happens to him, I still don't think that's a long enough punishment for a pedophile. He might only get 5 years. Which will probably end up being 2 years and then parole. That's total bullshit! I don't care if the prisons are full. People like this should be locked up longer than what could end up only being 2 years.
Granted, I know that people have this predisposition due to chemical imbalances and what not, but it's a damn shame that they can take away the life long innocence of a child and be free in a shorter time than it would take for that same child to complete his/her education.
There's this store by my Town House which I visit frequently. I was just there buying some Gatorade. While doing so the old Vietnamese cashier was eyeballing two kids, who couldn't have been older than 12. I looked back and noticed one of them pocket a candy bar. The old lady cashier did not see it. I pay for my beverage, and put a $5 bill on the counter. She said, "You pay too much." Not being derogatory towards the vernacular of people of Asian descent here, but that's just what she said. I said, very loudly so the punk ass kids could hear, "No, these kids just stole from you and I don't want them to get in trouble."
I then go to exit the store, the kids looking at me in disbelief. I say to them, "Look, I've gotten in trouble for stealing and it's not a road you want to go down. Stop doing it." They just looked at me with a blank stare, still amazed that I had paid for their stolen goods.
I don't know why I did what I did. I will be honest in telling you all that I had to spend a couple of days in jail because of stealing. I'm not proud, far from it. When I was 19 I worked at a grocery store and would steal a lot of beer. I got caught. Well, obviously. Why the hell else would I spend time in jail for stealing?
Maybe I did what I did because I am a different man now than what I used to be. I suppose I did it as an act of retribution for paying myself off for what I used to be. My name is not Earl, but I believe that Karma is real. I doubt that it will effect these kids lives. Who knows, but I doubt it. It made me feel good though in knowing that I have matured a lot from the things I used to do. I can be true to myself in knowing that I've learned from past mistakes.
Yes, that was a serious post. Hopefully this will make up for it:
BOOBIES!
Currently
listening
:
Cease to Begin
By
Band of Horses
Release date: 09 October, 2007
It means that I have the day off, bitches! Hahaha! I'm an employee of the Federal Government and we just take off any day that we want and you can't do anything about it. And get this--here's the funny part--we still get paid! Even funnier than that is you are all pitching in for me to still get paid while I lounge around in boxer shorts and play Tiger Woods '08 all day. I appreciate the charity. I really do.
Seriously, America is great! A lot of us get October 8th, 2007 off because a dude found something that other people had already found. In a way, it would be like me going through your wallet or purse right in front of you, and taking a $100 bill out and keeping it. Finders keepers, bitches!
I mean, really! America is freakin' awesome! I get a day off because some dude sucks at navigating worse than my mom. Columbus intended to end up in India, but ended up nowhere near it. Let me illustrate with this crude MS Paint image I made. X will mark where he wanted to go. O will show where he went:
America is so fucking awesome! People were living in peace with the land, but we had no time for that BS. 150 years after Columbus discovered...er, I mean, when he took a wrong turn in Albuquerque roughly 85% of the original inhabitants were killed thanks to a little thing called small pox.
Are you chilly?
Can I interest you in a blanket?
Man, America is so damn incredible! Well, except for Minnesota and South Dakota. Minnesota does not deem it necessary to celebrate this great Holiday. Drown in one of your thousands of lakes, Commies. South Dakota tries to be cute and pay homage to the Native man by calling it "Native American Day." Gee, South Dakota, I'm sure the 197 people living in your state really feel a sense of pride from that.
I guess what I am trying to say is--
GOD BLESS THE U.S., BITCHES!
P.S. Some how a Native American lady was pissed off (well, more correctly-- she told me to "fuck off") by my original posting of this. I guess I didn't lay the sarcasm on thick enough for her. It was that, or more than likely the mention of small pox blankets (yeah, I'm sure it was that). I hope the rest of you are smart enough to realize that I am far from being serious in this blog.
Currently
listening
:
Suck on This
By
Primus
Release date: 23 April, 2002
I’ve Never Talked To You, But Will You Give My Cock Mouth Hugs?
Men, let's face it, we are stupid. A lot of us...OK most of us...OK, all of us do some really dumb shit when it comes to getting laid. However, there are some of us that go above and beyond the call of stupidity. Our cocks do have a very powerful brain of their own (no, I'm not talking about our ball sack which I suppose can resemble a brain. Wait, I suppose that maybe I am), but for fuck's sake try and show a little tact. I'm not sure who Fuck is or why I am giving Fuck ownership of sake, but who cares. Guys, we need to have tact.
A few minutes ago an amazing, very beautiful female with a great sense of humor (have I kissed your ass enough in this sentence?), who for privacy purposes will go nameless, sent me this message that a complete freakin' moron sent her:
i'm a music producer originally from OKC and i'm in town visiting a friend. i have some free time this afternoon and was looking for someone that would be interested in getting together for an erotic encounter.
i saw your profile and though you were absolutely gorgeous so i figured i'd write you a message
if interested text my cell ---.---.---- and if not i'm sorry to have bothered you
ciao jai
It blows my mind that he honestly thought that would work. Fucking amazing! Sending a message without proper capitalization, bad spelling and piss-poor grammar? Like she is going to fuck you when you cannot even spend the time to hit the shift key. Well, that and you HONESTLY think a women is going to fuck you because you sent her a message on MySpace. What's wrong with you? Or, more correctly, what's right with you? That would probably save you some time, Jai.
The fact that he tried to apologize by saying, "And if not I'm sorry to have bothered you" only makes this more humorous. Like he was thinking-- Hey, maybe I'll get laid, but if I don't at least I was a gentleman. Maybe she'll give me mouth hugs after seeing how compassionate I am when it comes to valuing her time.
The thing that trumps all hilarity in his message was that he just wanted her to text him. He didn't want a phone call. Forget talking to a chick that he may possibly (probably not) have an erotic encounter with. No! He just wanted her to fuck him "w/ IDK her BFF Jill."
I don't claim to be a pick up artist
, but if you pick up a woman on MySpace after just sending her one message you are more than likely going to get a vagina that resembles a
Much love,
~g
Wait-- I meant,
~G
Currently
listening
:
Girls Can Tell
By
Spoon
Release date: 20 February, 2001
I am standing in line at my Credit Union. Wait, before I get too far into this I have an idea. My brother used to be, and probably still is, a huge d-bag to people who preferred Banks to Credit Unions (why am I capitalizing random nouns like I am James Frey?) Back to my point- I think it would be a fun prank to have a bunch of people email my brother and ask him why Credit Unions are better than Banks. The more the better. Seriously, if he even got like 25 messages it would make me happy. Ok, digression time is over...
So I'm waiting to cash a check. There's 7 other people patiently waiting to handle some of their monetary functions. This old guy, 3 people in front of me, just rips ass! Not once, not twice, not even thrice. Without flinching or making any attempt to provide a cover up cough, this happy-go-lucky-doesn't-matter-where-I-fart-because-people-will-just-blow-it-off-because-I'm-a-grumpy-old-geezer farts four times! Nobody, I repeat NOBODY even cracked a smile. Well, nobody except for me. I laughed out loud. Yep, I lol'd for you true computer nerds. A couple of people turned around and gave me a stern look like I was the rude one for laughing. They knew it was the old guy that provided the bazooka like Rumble In The Bronx. Don't look at me like I'm the rude one.
Ok, maybe he was so old that he couldn't control it, but I'm sorry...if an old guy farts anywhere, let alone a place of business like a Credit Union; I'm going to laugh. Maybe I am childish, but I don't care. It was funny. Lighten up, Francis.
Currently
listening
:
The New Fellas
By
The Cribs
Release date: 23 August, 2005
inquisitive
