I would Burn the Flag While Raping a (Legal) Teenage Boy
Category: Life

Assuming the price was right.  And, no, you cannot bid $1.  Everyone has a price.  Mine is just permanently on blue light special.

Anyway, I was going to simply re-bulletin my friend Heather's bulletin, but I decided to make a blog out of it.  I rather dislike bulletins except for a scant few people, but this one was interesting.


Would you do Meth if it was legalized?

No.  I am already wound like a top.  Besides, I don't like drugs.  I've smoked weed a few times and think it is entirely pointless.  In fact, all it does is rile me up, the last fucking thing I need. 

Abortion: for or against it?

I think it was my boy Carlin who said it - or it may have been Lewis Black - but I am pro-death.  I am for suicide, assisted suicide, abortion, abortion up until the first YEAR; fuck trimesters, cancer, AIDS, etc.  In fact, I wish they'd release the cure for cancer (ever found it funny that almost nobody important or really famous dies of cancer, excluding brain cancer which they haven't figured out yet?) and, in lieu of needing people to die and keep the medical industry employed, we create five new fatal diseases like HIV.  I like HIV.  It is the perfect manufactured killer as it, more or less, only kills people who desire to have it.

Would our country fall apart with a woman president?

No.  It would actually be awesome because then it will be another question in my daily litmus test called, "Who should I start ignoring now?"  Anyone who starts their complaint about the President with any gender-related comments are automatically labeled ignorant idiots and ignored for eternity.

Do you believe in the death penalty?

Absolutely.  It should also be given as a choice to life sentencees.

Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?

Yes.  The best part about doing it is you get to fire 50% of the corrupt (re: all of them) police officers because I'd venture to say that marijuana makes up half of the ridiculous, ill-fated "War on Drugs."  Anything that gets those fascist cops fired is OK by me.

Are you for or against premarital sex?

Is this really a fucking question? 

Do you believe in God?

lulz!  No.  Only the foolhardy would believe in that nonsense. 

Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?

Yes.  And they should be made to adopt.  If you want to find a human being that has their shit in order, find your local homosexual male.  He is likely good-looking, well-groomed, intelligent, wealthy, and logical.  I only wish the idiot parents - like most of you reading this, likely ... sorry - had one-fifth those qualities.  Now, the lesbians ... they seem a sordid bunch and I don't know why.

Do you think its wrong that so many Hispanics are moving to the USA?

Wrong?  No.  Problematic?  Yes.  But that isn't on them to fix the problem, it is on us. 

"Are you employed?"
"Have you injured anyone recently?"
"Are you a fugitive?"

If you answer those questions correctly, you get citizenship in a year or so.  My good buddy at work - who is a better man than most everyone I know - is on year TWELVE of his waiting to become a US citizen.  TWELVE!!!!!!!!!!

A 12 year old girl has a baby... should she keep it?

I think a five-year-old with leprocy should keep it.  A wolf.  A gay couple.  A pair of robots.  Anything but the fucking orphanages.

Should her parents be horse-whipped for not teaching her how to keep from becoming pregnant?

Parents should routinely get the fucking shit beaten out of them by a neutral third-party every so often.  That way, they'll be more worried about themselves getting their ass-kicked than coddling their children.  Children do stupid shit because they aren't allowed to live and learn; they become mommy and daddy's precious little snowflakes.  Then a storm comes and they get blown way the fuck off course and everyone wants to blame everyone else.

Every 90 days, one parents gets beaten within an inch of their life.

Should the alcohol age be lowered to 18?

Yes.  See the answer above, minus the beatings part.  Unless it is 90 days for someone.

Should the war in Iraq be called off?

No, war is good.  This country, a little less than 250 years old, has done just fine despite fighting in countless conflicts and wars.  It is all fine.  However, I know you went there for the oil.  You know you did.  Everyone knows.  Tell us, for one, we will be OK with it.  Two, give us a break here or there.

Assisted suicide is illegal... do you agree?

Yes.  And in any way they want.  If they want to get cleaved to death by a fat man in a bloody bikini, they should have that right.  In public.  In front of many children.  Then sic that same fat man on one of the parents, I am sure it is the ninethieth day for one of them.

Do you believe in spanking your children?

Not scheduled beatings.  That is just counter-productive.  Or beating for the sake of it.  But, if you want to kick your kid because he did something stupid, go ahead.  My cat bit me a few months ago.  Apparently, it thought it was playing.  I thought otherwise.  I forearm'ed it off the couch.  It was upset for a few seconds.  Not two minutes later, it was back on the couch with me and purring while I pet it.  Hasn't bitten me since and still loves me.  Problem solved.

Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?

As with basically any act involving a million dollars, you'd have to pay me another million to STOP doing it.  You will be hard-pressed to find anything I won't do for a cool million.

A mother is declared innocent after murdering her 5 children in an insanity case do you agree?

LOL.  No.  In fact, for now on, any crimes committed by an "insane" person needs to have at least one person go to jail.  Namely, the psychiatrist that gave them the bill of health.  I loathe psychiatrists.

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?

I will kill them if they do.

Currently listening : Seasons in the Abyss By Slayer Release date: 2007-07-24

1:17 PM - 18 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Bike? Vroom.
Category: Automotive

I know a guy who works for Morgan Stanley or some shit and he is always running his mouth about how "oil is going to hit $xxx" and the number is almost always $40 more than whatever it is at the time of him saying it.  Either he gets this information from where he works or he is actively persuing it at this price, driving the price of our gas through the roof.  I hate speculators like him; die in a oil-fueled fire.  Can't you pick something I don't care about?  Say the price of taco shells will be $56 per case in the future.  Fuck, man.

Anyway, because of idiots like this - and the foolish Americans - I am contemplating getting a motorcycle.  Since it would be my first bike, obviously I'd choose something simple.  The Honda 250 Rebel seems like a decent choice.  I only need to travel 12.5 miles to work, either by highway or local roads.

Of course, with a life-changing purchase like this (going from a car to a bike is indeed a big change), I have to weigh the positives and negatives.  Let's take a look at them.

POSITIVES

- Quadruple the gas mileage.
- I can easily flail a sword around at stoplights.
- Never will I have to wait behind a dickless troll-monkey who is going straight in the right-turn lane.  
- Traffic?  HA!
- Much prettier than a Toyota Camry.
- As per Grand Theft Auto, I find it is easier to shoot a sub-machine gun from a bike than a quadraped.
- For the most part, passengers not accepted.
- I won't be volunteered to help people move or be the designated driver.
- Cheap to purchase and maintain.
- I won't have to deal with my city's crazy parking situation.  The amount I save in parking tickets alone will be amazing.

NEGATIVES

- My life is in the hands of inertia and the OTHER drivers.  
- For the most part, passengers not accepted.
- Hard to conceal a weapon.
- I will need to triple the amount of cargo pants that I own solely for storage space.
- No more blasting my radio so everyone within 50 yards can hear it.
- If I go out for soda and some snacks, I can probably only get one of each.
- Shit gets stolen left and right in my city.  
- Talking on the phone while driving will not only become very, very difficult, but extremely obvious to cops.
- I will be reduced to being like a fag baseball player; if the weather is too bad, I can't leave the house.
- The only bikes I can logically start riding look like model toy bikes.
- I don't have shelter for the machine.

That's all I have. I am still at 50/50.

Currently listening : Picture This By Huey Lewis & the News Release date: 1990-10-25

3:41 PM - 12 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

My Review of Wipeout
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I do not watch television.  I don't not watch (? whatever) because I think television is a drain or because it is trendy to not watch TV.  I simply do not watch because the shit is downright horrible.  And, if you think about it, it always was.  Even the sitcoms that we (25-40 age group) grew up with were terrible.  I didn't watch them then and won't now.  I was somewhat interested in Lost, but, yeah, no more.  The last show I ever rapped my eyeballs around was "X-Files."

In the meantime - like, the past ten years - I have basically watched sports and movies only with a ton of video game time sprinkled in.  Until now.

You see, I am your local expert on Japanese television shows, specifically the game shows.  Those who have been reading my drivel since 2003 know that I am always pimping the Japanese shit like Silent Library, a myriad of shows with conveyor belts, and other ridiculous shit.  I love it and eat it up.

Of course, I spend an awful lot of time watching G$ as they provide me with Unbeatable Banzuke and Ninja Warrior; two of the best shows on TV ever.  Period.  So, when someone clued me in on ABC's premier of "Wipeout" I was quite excited.  And, it delivered.  Almost 100%.

There are some really great points about the show.  The events are pretty well-designed and definitely have a shitload of great spills.  The Sweeper takes the cake, though.   I haven't convulsed from laughing from a network TV show like I did during the Sweeper event in, well, ever.  The fucking Sweeper is so awesome, I am laughing as I type this.  The brutal, brutal falls these people took was side-splitting, especially when they were talking shit only to get hit with the sweeper and sent violently flying into another podium.  I wish I DVR's it because I would capture it and put it on YouTube right now, a task I am loathe to do.  Someone will and I will leech off of them.

So, we have obstacle courses that are pretty well-designed - the fucking bouncey balls was also awesome - and some cool contestants.  There are some flaws, though.  The commentary?  God awful.  The editing?  Too damn much of it.  And, excepting the initial water slide on a tube, the final obstacle course was boring as shit.

All told ... A++++ WILL WATCH AGAIN!

Now, as for "I Survived a Japanese Game Show", my opinion is reserved as I only saw the first 35 minutes of it, which showed only one event; and it was hilarious.  By the way, Banzuke Fans should recognize the host of the game show.

So, a monumental event; Trendon watched network TV on purpose and in the designated time slot for the first time since around 1996.

Currently listening : A Day & A Thousand Years By Walls of Jericho Release date: 2001-01-16

7:06 PM - 16 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Women, You Aren’t Fooling Anyone; Especially Your Half-Breed Boyfriend
Category: Romance and Relationships

As I approach thirty, one of the great things about getting to this age range is that you really beghin to round out your group of friends.  Namely, you start acquiring pockets of friends in every single age group.  I have many friends in the 19-23 range, 24-29, and the 30-40 crowd.  

Having this sort of variety provides me with a lot of data for learning more about human beings.  As I get older, I myself acquire more and more information so it is nice to be able to compare my findings to that of my peers as well as be able to lookback on the decisions made by the younger ones.

One of the more dynamic areas is the world of dating and boy does nobody have it fucking right.  The closest is the older crowd with the youngins not too far behind; although they suffer from way too much goddamn idealism. The middle group, the twenty-somethings, are a frigging mess.

For those who know me, this is either to be taken to the bank or completely ignored since I've dated, well ... I've never really had a girlfriend.  I had one a few years ago for a short while, but I drove her so nuts that I made her mean and, in turn, I drove her more insane.  I don't do well with authority.  It isn't that I have a problem with authority, I just don't pay attention to it.  Go ahead and be authoratative, I won't complain ... I just won't listen.  It doesn't end well.  I mention this because it leads me to my point.

In the world of cats and dogs, Venus and Mars, meaty vaginas and baby arms, there is a strict dichotomy.  One group is almost universally unstable emotionally, possessive, jealous, and; basically, just a fucking pansy wuss.  The other group is filled with liars, cheats, plans, demands, and too much "machismo" to get anywhere in a pairing.

And, it isn't who you think.  And this, finally (sorry, I am long-winded) brings us to my two points.  If we can overcome these, I guarantee you a better sex/love life.

1) Men are the bigger pussies and women are lying motherfuckers.

Somewhere in the past xxx years, women were labeled the crying, weak, "need-a-relationship" types while "all men are pigs and liars."  This couldn't be farther from the truth.  Men are miserably weak.  A girl can't spend more than 90 unannounced minutes away from her man - or the phone - without him having a meltdown.  And, boys, stop crying.  No, it doesn't show that you are strong.  It shows you are weak.  End of story.  How stupid are we as a gender?  So, your girl might be cheating on you because she went to the deli without asking you first; or she looked at the guy across the bar.  If that may be true, FUCKING LEAVE!!! Go fuck some random girls that want to use you, it helps ... trust me.

Then, we have women.  You girls are a work of art.  The level of deceit, lies, fraud, and baseless sex is unmatched.  Some might take this as a compliment and others not so much.  Personally, I think it is great.   For me, it widens the pool of available women to ... all of them.  It seems that "single" is just an identifying term.  In fact, it is getting easier to pick up women in relationships than ever before.  Or, check that, it is easier to get HIT ON by women in relationships.  It is quite intriguing.  I was actually joking with my friend that if I wasn't petrified of hitting on women, I'd have HIV already.  But, with the climate out there today, you don't even need to hit on them.  Apparently, their men are such weeping limp-wrists that they are looking for anything different.

Thanks, wusses!

2) Women, the men aren't all to blame.  Yeah, they are emotionally fucked and a complete pain the ass - it is like rearing a child - but I am noticing something new with you girls.  Let me help you out.

PLaying "hard to get", yeah, it don't work.  Maybe men are emotional wrecks BECAUSE of this newfound love of being difficult for them.  Yeah, I know, "hard to get" has been around since the Dead Sea was merely sick.  But, in the past 120 hours alone, I've met twowomen talking about how they are playing it and in the past two weeks, two girls - hot ones, at that - that are on MySpace talking about it.

For sports fans, H2G reminds me of football's "Prevent Defense".  You have the advantage and you want to protect your lead, so you play this defense where you aim to stop any big plays - scoring plays - from occurring.  What ultimately happens, though, is the opposition simply keeps prodding along at a normal pace until your team loses.  Sports fans call it the "Prevent (From Winning) Defense".  Hard to Get is just like that; "Hard to Get (Anything Out of it)".

No matter what type of guy you are playing it on, it won't work.  The sexual deviant won't hang around long enough for the plan to even begin, the shy guy will get discouraged, the arrogant prep will grow standoff-ish, the hot guy will move .. one or two dates, the insecure guy will kill himself, the secure guy will also move on.  

But, what about men who like a challenge?  Well, yeah, sorta.  I know I definitely like to be kept on my toes.  In fact, I demand it.  Well, *I* don't, but my id does.  Or whatever.  However, let's just say that I find a girl that is playing H2G and I keep coming back for more.  She sure as hell better add a little something to the pot with each deal of the cards.  I am not going to keep playing this charade if I keep getting the identical person in return ... all for nothing: no sex, no discernible progress, no security, no nothing.  I have to do all of the work, and nothing is returned.  In fact, the uncertainty level increases with each passing meeting.  It is like going on a first date every single time out.

Fuck.  That.  

The issue is further compounded if you consider that nobody really wants someone who is constantly changing.  Who wants to put up with that?  So, in order for there even to be more dates to play hard to get on, you have to (basically) stay the same girl you were when you met the dude.  So, what we have is a girl (usually very pretty) offering a guy no security, no promise, and not even some trim all for the joy of knowing she is secure in ... accomplishing nothing at the moment.

Ya know, come to think of it, I think the men who cry and get jealous are right.  Might as well hang on to what you earned.

P.S.  At work, so excuse any typos.

P.P.S.  Most ridiculous coffee drinkers seem to be men.  I rest my case.

7:39 PM - 20 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

George Carlin is Dead. :(
Category: Life

I am not afraid of death.  I fear paralysis, being maimed, having strokes, losing limbs, etc.   In turn, I am often perceived as insensitive when others die.  Honestly, I don't care.  If I had a magic wand, I'd wave it to make it certain that everyone lived.

With that, I really don't care when people die.  I'd rather raise a toast to them then ever be sad.  It has gottent me in trouble before in my life as I probably should have, at least, shown some emotion when I probably should've.  So, with celebrities, I really, really do not care. 

I don't really care because even I - who is a pathetic middle-class loser trying to come up - have lived a better life than 99% of the planet.  My life has been better than every crazy lunatic, starving kid in Africa, abused child, and handicapped kid there is.  I've nothing to complain about (besides coffee.)

So, when a famous figure dies; well, I could care less.

Carlin was different.  Or, better yet, is different.  I miss him already. 

He was brilliant and I will take him to my grave.  My best friend Allan and I would spend hours listening to him, days quoting him ...

... and a lifetime remembering him.

:(

An emoticon never felt so right.

6:11 AM - 16 Comments - 29 Kudos - Add Comment

Is This Really Necassary?
Category: Web, HTML, Tech

I mean, really.  Are there really people from, say, Vermont so stupid that they'll just stare at the drop-down menu because their individual municipality is not listed? 

"Fuck.  I know I am in the Eastern Standard/Daylight Timezone, but it only says New York."

I am surprised it doesn't have every city, town, village, and census-designated place listed.  In fact, I am mad that it doesn't.  I want (GMT-0:500) United States - New York - Hudson Valley - Westchester - Yonkers - Lockwood Avenue - First Floor - Living Room.  Where is that?!  Not there, I tell you.  I am still fucking trying to sign up!

In fact, the Internet is generally starting to get on my nerves as of late.  I already talked about those accursed Captchas, but the list is growing.  Must I receive a confirmation E-mail for everything I sign up for?  At first, it started with sites like Amazon.com, eBay.com, magazine subscriptions and any other website that offered people the opportunity to scam people; which is fine.  However, I should not need to confirm my identity to sign up for a forum for some no-name DJ in Sweden or World of Warcraft Nuts and the Pizza Delivery Men That Love Them.  It is entirely unneeded.

The whole act of signing up for shit has gotten out of control.  The E-Mail address has to be entered twice, I have to locate my time zone (which couldn't mean less to me, I just want to curse someone out on the forum), and I have to identify which checkboxes I do and don't want to tick. 

For financial-related websites, here comes the fun with the social security number.  Some of them automatically move you over to the next box when you've put in enough digits and some don't, you have to hit TAB.  On some applications, my SSN reads 09-1-2 because I was hitting TAB and, on the ones that need you to hit tab, I only get the first three in.  The phone number fields are no better.  (XXX) XXX-XXXX?  XXXXXXXXXX?  XXX-XXX-XXXX?  Like the SSN, are we going to move along as one or do I have to hit TAB each time? 

Currently listening : Left of the Middle By Natalie Imbruglia Release date: 1998-03-10

8:36 PM - 17 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

OK ...
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

... there have been many, many Internet videos that have captivated me. 

Most Difficult Super Mario Mod Ever Pt. 1
Japanese Tetris Parody
Revenge of the Lightning Bolt nerds..
JOEY'S CRASH
Booyah grandma

... are a few of the ones that have taken over my mind.  However, this may be the greatest.  I hereby present to you the soon-to-be-famous High Speed treadmill Disaster.




I can't look away.

6:34 PM - 4 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

I Really Want to Believe I Would Not Fuck Tila Tequila
Current mood: ashamed
Category: Life

A friend of mine posted a bulletin laughing at Tila Tequila.  Basically, she claims that she is the main reason California now allows gay marriages.  Seriously.  I once wrote about the time I attacked that fat bastard Santa Claus and I think that my story is more believeable than hers. 

Yet, I am caught in a bind here.  Would I hit it?  I've hit worse, and Flying Spaghetti Monster willing, I will again this weekend.  If it's in a good mood, maybe I'll get equal or better.  However, I am absolutely unsure if I would go near this girl.  And for those that know me, that's saying something.

Opportunity notwithstanding, I want to believe that I would have the strength - or common sense - to say "DO NOT WANT!"  But, I believe I am stuck with ...

Currently listening : Avenged Sevenfold By Avenged Sevenfold Release date: 2007-10-30

2:04 PM - 12 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Captcha; Moderated Forums ... Fuck You!
Category: Blogging

I've had it with this shit.



These things - and anyone who uses them - should be shot from a cannon and into a flame so they can die in a fire.

The examples listed above are actually fairly legible.  The ones MySpace uses are not.  In fact, I don't even think the Captcha itself can read what it output since it often takes me three tries to post a comment even though I know I got the picture right.  It has gotten to the point where this Captcha assholeishness has actually prevented me - the human, non-spammer - from posting comments and signing up for things.  I don't have the time, and especially the patience, to deal with this shit.   I shouldn't have to pass an eye exam every time I want to call my friend an asshole.

Though, what hurts the most is the need for these sorts of things in the first place.  Captchas, moderated forums, authorization e-mails, math problems ... since when did the Internet and all of its inhabitants become a community of pussies?  Why must everything be moderated and filtered?  Are we that frigging lazy?  I miss USENET.  Yes, I know it is still there, but its activity level is quite low nowdays.  I used to post on that shit with QuantumLink for the Commodore 64.  That's where the real men post!  Open forum warzone!

Now, admittedly, the freeness of Usenet causes its own problems.  Usenet is a my favorite communication medium because no moderator is out there protecting the general public from unacceptable speech.  This permits the flow of ideas unfettered by fear of reprisal,  something that would make the Creators of Our Republic, the Framers of  Our Constitution, and the Authors of Our Freedoms, proud to be American!  Unfortunately a lot of the people who have "freely flowing" ideas on usenet are the ones who are so socially backwards, so culturally inept, so behaviorally atavistic, that they can't uphold even the most minimal standards to avoid ticking off their anonymous digital neighbors in the (albeit ridiculously stupid) community of a moderated electronic bulletin board.

Even still, I can't stomach the idea of posting to a moderated group.  I try to avoid it at all costs.  Why would anyone voluntarily subject themselves to censorship when posting on a topic as intrinsically harmless as NHL hockey?   I'll deal with every flame war over whether or not Al Gore is afraid of butterflies - which is one of the more sophisticated debates - before having to listen to some peckerhead with snot pouring out of his nose telling me I cannot say sh*t, f***, or die in a fire.

So, I stay with Usenet.  And I am safe from Captcha.

Wrong fucking wrong!


Eat shit, Google.  When you become self-aware, I will be fighting.  Oh, yes, I will be fighting.

Currently listening : Collective Soul By Collective Soul Release date: 1995-03-14

6:10 PM - 15 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Phrases I am Sick of Hearing
Category: Life

Introduction.

Now that the intro is out of the way, let's get to this list!

1) "No standing eight count.  Cannot be saved by the bell in any round.  No three knockdown rule.  Ten-point-must system is in effect.  Only the referee can stop the fight."

This will probably fall on deaf ears since I seem to be one of the few remaining boxing fans.  However, for those who haven't flown over to the MMA scene (that I do not like) and still follow the sport, you know what I am talking about.  I almost want to create my own boxing federation with a whole set of ridiculous rules just for the sake of having them.

-    No standing eight count in odd-numbered rounds.
-    Might be hit by the bell in any round.
-    Thirty-four knockdown rule is potentially in effect.
-    Non-integer system is in effect.
-    Only the referee and a lucky fan can stop the fight.

2) "…participating stores."

Goddamn this one to hell.  Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for it.  A corporation that offers franchises might want to offer a deal while leaving it up to the franchise owner to decide.  I know if I owned a business like a Blockbuster, I wouldn't want Socialism and Sons telling me how I am supposed to run my version of their cookie-cutter business.  I am cool with it.

Trendon: "I'd like to order the special promotion at the 87-for-6 price.  
Worker: "Oh, sorry.  We aren't participating in that promotion."
Trendon: "Shit.  OK, I'll just take this, that, and the other thing."

I am disappointed, but shit happens.  However, it is when I am in line and some worthless, primate, ass-bucket wants to argue over it.   It is especially amusing when it is at a place where the workers are little more than mercenaries.  Do you think the young woman working the counter at Dunkin' Donuts gives a fuck if she gives you the promotional price?  No, she wishes she could.  Arguing with her is absolutely fucking futile.  

At the very least, I wish these people would argue with them while trying to find an alternate order and/or locating additional funds to pay with.  I cannot stand it when they finally submit and are reduced to grumbling under their breath only to THEN start looking for more money or the credit card.  This also gives them time to dream up another angle to argue about and the fucking credit card is usually held just out of the reach of the employee while they offer up another speech.

3) "Rocket Science" or "Rocket Scientist"

These two words have been thrown about as of late as a fellow Yonkers resident – and restaurant customer by proxy – has blasted off into space.   But, it is when people are talking about things other than actual NASA-related activities that the "rocket scientist" phrase sends me overboard.

Just because you are too stupid to work (fill in electrical device) does not mean that you can resign yourself to being unable to do it because you are not a rocket scientist.  Quite honestly, I don't find rocket scientists to be that fucking smart.  They build amazingly expensive pieces of equipment that do nothing but dump radiation on us (the people who paid for it) all for the ability to find a rock on a celestial body so fucking far away that we can't get there.  

4) African-American

Black.  End of fucking story.  Nobody has a problem with it.  When I first started hating on this phrase, it was always some clichéd, canned fag of a news reporter that was saying it.  Then, I attended a speech given by Don King in Mount Vernon and even he was saying it.  What the fuck?   I don't know a single black man or woman who has a problem with being called black.  Even if ten percent of black men and women had a problem with being called "black" then you are still ahead of the game because 100% of black people from Trinidad, Jamaica, et al, do not want to be called African-American.  

If we are going to continue to use this ridiculous fucking phrase, I demand that I be called European-American.   

5) "The Fed"

I am very naïve when it comes to money, investing, and financing but I am trying to learn by watching the appropriate news channels.  (By the way, Kramer is my favorite.  I don't know if he is right or wrong, smart or stupid, rich or poor, but I love how he just goes batshit wild for the whole show; even the callers are totally out of their minds.   Also, I like when he makes the bulls and bears charge towards the screen.  I am simple like that.)

With this latest fun with the housing, you keep hearing all of the talking heads talk about "the fed has done this" and "the fed is cutting interest."  How fucking lazy can we be?  Do we claim that the "cit has elected a new mayor" or "my vill needs a new supervisor?"  On top of which, I don't like the whole concept of referring to a certain organization in charge of the country's financial relations with the public being given such an Orwellian name.  

On a somewhat related note, how fucking stupid is half of America?  I learned that a large reason with our financial situation is because assholes decided to get cut-rate, variable interest mortgages on homes.  As I sat watching the newspeople explain this shit to me, I laughed.  I laughed because I am one of the biggest gamblers most people have ever seen.  I just lost $206 because I couldn't resist betting on the OVER for tonight's Mets/Dodgers game.  I could have just sat still and collected my $206 on Thursday, but no … I had to risk it all on one game of pitch and toss.  I now won $0.  

However, as crazy a fucking degenerate that I am, I would never – EVER! – gamble on my goddamn fucking home!!!  How stupid could you be?  I'll bet every piece of liquidity I have on the haphazard flight of a distant ball before I ever do something as stupid as that.  And I am pretty fucking stupid.

6) "The price of oil has risen to xxx because of…"

…. Some absurd over-the-top reason like "… Britney Spears' new album."

Be honest.  "Because we fucking felt like it", "Because you idiots keep buying it no matter what", and "Because it is summer and we want to protect our margins" are all better reasons.  In fact, we should have a news channel dedicated to giving the public honest reasons for the price of oil; maybe it will wake everyone the fuck up.

Reuters: "The price of oil has hit $130 because of the impending threat of Hurricane Gizmondo."
Trendon News: "The price of oil has hit $130 because of the impending threat of Hurricane Gizmondo.  In turn, the oil barons will have a little bit less gas to gouge you SUV-owning faggots with.  In turn, they have to raise prices to make sure they don't come off their projected 145% growth that they projected because … you idiots don't stop driving around everywhere with your gas-eating vehicles."

Maybe if we had THAT show for a few weeks, people might walk to the deli down the road.  If the 150,000 (guessing) drivers in my city of Yonkers all saved 1/3rd a gallon of gas per day, that's 50,000 gallons less purchased a day … just in my city.  "Gas outs" are ROFLcopter funny.  How about "Less Gas" days?  The only way people are going to do that is if a nationally-televised show constantly called all of us "stupid assholes" on a daily basis.  We are so ignorant as a group that we'd start driving less just to spite whoever is on TV.  I know I'd be all like, "Fuck that motherfucker!  I am walking to work … all 15 miles!"

Currently listening : Rock Steady By No Doubt Release date: 2001-12-11

10:35 PM - 23 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

100,000 Views, By the Way
Category: Blogging

Clearly, this is modest compared to some, but I like to think that it is a nice number since I did most of my blogging between 2003 and 2005.  Since then, not so much. 

I cannot compete with the new crowd because my lunacy only extends so far! :)  I will try to get better, perhaps via narcotics.

Currently listening : DJ Yanny 1 By Various Artists Release date: 1997-04-21

5:58 PM - 17 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Thank You, Boston Market. (And, No Thanks)
Category: Food and Restaurants

    Wow.  Since Ken last posted this blog early in the morning, not a single one of you has mustered up some words.  I trust this is because you are at a BBQ or mourning some veterans; or both.  Or, perhaps, you are eating the corpses of veterans in a Eucharist-inspired way of honoring them and mourning over hot dogs.  The possibilities are endless.

    Either way, with no more festivities to attend, I made out on my own to go shopping.  Since I live in a city that houses the most LCD (lowest common denominator) humans, my anger level quickly reached critical mass.  My biggest problem with department stores and stores of their ilk is the way people simply traipse around it.  Would it kill you to pretend that the aisles of these stores are not unlike the road?  Stay to the right on the expressway and don't stand in the middle of narrow passages!  Fucking hell.  And, whoever decided that baby carriages need to be all-wheel drive should be shot.

    Whenever I am angry, I find that food is the best cure, especially quick food.  The last thing I need when angered is another wait in line with a group of missing links.  Near to the Macy's I shopped at was a Boston Market.  It has been a long time since I ate at a Boston Market.  In fact, the last time I ate their was sometime in 2000 when I crashed my car chasing down Mr. Meyer from Meyer Volkswagen in a (failed) attempt to get my $100 because I could say the exact directions to his dealership.  Only those in Westchester County know what I speak of, but to the others, I failed.  I side-swiped a car during a U-Turn and drove off, using the Boston Market parking lot as a safehouse.  Of course, I ate, too.

    Today's meal was delicious.  Half a rotisserie chicken with macaroni and cheese, creamed spinach, corn bread, buttered corn, mashed potatoes, and cinnamon apples.  I even still have some leftovers.  As you can see, I ordered a great deal of food.  This leads me to the point of this blog; a thanks/no thanks to every fast food chain I can think of.

Applebee's

Thanks … for having a cool bar and hiring really hot waitresses.

No Thanks … for … what the fuck are you blind?  Why are the bartenders always the ugliest of the waitstaff?  Your food is atrocious and I am told only to order steaks because that is the only thing that actually hits a grill.  But, even those are bad. 

Beningan's

Thanks … for pumping drugs into the air because that is the only explanation for that place.  It is the most fun of all of the restaurants.  People go fucking nuts when they come here.  Fine with me!  Food is OK, drinks are OK, prices are OK, but who cares when everyone is yelling and laughing?

No Thanks … for closing nearly every one around here and not showing those commercials where people are dancing on the tables and drinking like vacuums.

Boston Market

Thanks … for having delicious, fairly healthy food.  Likewise, BM also has the unique distinction of having a selection of sides that easily best the main meals.  I can eat every single side excluding the funky looking mushrooms.  In the Cross County Shopping Center location in Yonkers, NY, thanks for having two extremely hot chicas and a clean place.  It might be the only clean place in the whole area.

No Thanks … for having like three different meal choices, shitty sandwich selections, high prices, and having them all printed on impossible to understand menus.  I only ordered all of that food because I really didn't know what the fuck I was doing.  I didn't want a half chicken, but it was the only thing on the menu that made sense.  Lastly, no thanks for being only in shitty areas.  I have recently inquired about the legalities of a shotgun; whether or not I can literally walk the streets with a loaded shottie and/or have it in my passenger seat.  Boston Market is now Reason 7 why I want to be able to do this.

Burger King

Thanks … for having the best tasting burgers of the bunch.  Also, true or not, I feel a little better eating meat that - at some point – actually hit a grill.  If that is not true and those grill stripes are painted on, well, thanks for your admirable chicanery.  Your soda machines are also top of the line.

No Thanks … for that god-awful creepy fucking King spokesthing you have in the commercials.  You are also kinda hard to find.  In Yonkers – a city of 250,000 – I have to hop on two parkways just to get to your closest store, passing by three McDonald's. 

Chili's

Thanks … for rivaling Beningan's for fun courtesy of the ludicrously cheap drink specials you have.  The food is "meh" but it sizzles when you hand it to me and I am easy to amuse.

No thanks … for, really nothing. 

Dunkin Donuts

Thanks … for being everywhere.  And that is about it.

No thanks … for barely having any locations that actually make the doughnuts, spelling doughnuts wrong, catering to the lunatics (aka coffee drinkers) with an ever-growing fag coffee list, having horrible bagels and spreads, a stupid selection of cold drinks, and miserable fat-asses behind the counter that take forever to make the coffees that already take minutes to make.

KFC

Thanks … for having the best chicken asses in the world.  The bowls are also fantastic as are the mashed potatoes, that don't compare to Boston Market's, though.

No Thanks … for having a 100% success rate at having a filthy restaurant and miserable employees.

McDonald's

Thanks … for being safe.  Excluding those who are on a diet of some sort, there is not a single person on Earth who can't enjoy at least one thing on your menu.  Your service is usually the fastest and you are everywhere.  I know that really isn't Angus beef, but you must spray Angus-to-Go on it (or some shit) because it tastes pretty good.  Your breakfast also rules over all.

No Thanks … for managing to make me scared of your food and I would have no problem eating a tricycle fried in triple fatback.  Your food is grossly unhealthy.  Also, your sodas always suck; either too warm or flat.  Finally, your commercials are universally terrible, alternating between creepy, boring, and/or uninformative. 

Outback

Thanks … for paying money to give me another college football bowl game.  The food is not bad at all, either.

No thanks … really for nothing.  I am ambivalent towards Outback.

Sonic

Thanks … for the best commercials in the world, especially the ones with the couple arguing over ludicrous shit. 

No Thanks … for being absolutely not anywhere near me.  How the frig can you not put one within 100 miles of, oh I don't know … the biggest metropolis in the world?!

Subway

Thanks … for nothing.  To all Westchester and Bronx locations, thanks for not even bothering to understand the local lexicon.  We call those sandwiches "wedges" around here.  Change your fucking name!  Change you fucking food, too!

No Thanks … for all of the above, plus the pretentious – and blatantly misleading – commercials.

Taco Bell

Thanks … for nothing?  I don't like their food at all, so I am not going to comment here.

TGIF

Thanks … for consistently having a fun atmosphere, great selection of drinks, average food, great prices, plenty of seating, and restaurants with ample parking.

No Thanks … for a miserable ass-backwards staff, excluding the bartender.  They apparently learned from Applebee's and hires the most socially-aware, amusing, and hot bartender available.  If it is a guy, he knows a ton of jokes and love sports.

Wendy's

Thanks … for being the first to consistently keep a triple-burger on your menu.  Fuck the sprout eaters!  Also, your 80's commercials were iconic and I still get the chuckles when I have to say "Biggie."

No Thanks … for the ugliest, messiest burgers.  Those things look like a disaster and ultimately visit your lap.  I also amuse myself on how you can go 60 miles without seeing one Wendy's and then find two within 500 yards of each other … on the same side of the road.

White Castle

Thanks ... for giving us the option to have a suitcase filled with hamburgers.  I am unsure if I ever would have started eating your burgers if this wasn't an option.  A fucking suitcase filled with burgers!!!  And, they are delicious!  Well, delicious after a certain hour.  I do not know if I could ever bring myself to eat White Castle for, say, lunch. 

No Thanks ... for, well, everyone knows.  You do not feel so well after eating them, especially if you got the aforementioned suitcase.  Also, you need more than a shottie to feel absolutely safe when entering a White Castle.

Currently listening : Countdown to Extinction By Megadeth Release date: 2004-07-27

5:06 PM - 18 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

What Costs More: Single or in a Relationship
Category: Romance and Relationships

All the married asses at work - from customers to employees - were complaining about how much marriage costs.  I scoffed at them.  In my opinion, being single costs much more than being with someone; and I am talking vis-à-vis, in other words, don't include kids.  Also, this does not include the idiot who pays 100% of the bills in a marriage.  It does include, however, the costs of vacation, other various dating costs and other discretionary expenses that non-single men incur.

The Data (Who incurs more costs)

Food: Single

I think most of us will agree that men pay for almost all of the food; I'd say 85%.  Of that, I'd venture to say that 75% of the total food bill is consumed by the man.  However, in a relationship, you are less likely to go out to eat, instead preparing some meal at home.  The supermarket is much cheaper than the restaurant.  On the flipside, when couples do go out, the bill is always at least double a single guy and sometimes as much as 500% higher if you include wine and fancier joints for special occasions.  

However, that still doesn't compensate for the single man who probably eats out more than 700 times a year.  Now, granted, a great many of those 700 times are meals that a married man would've eaten anyway (breakfast at the deli or a lunch hot dog), but the odds of a single guy eating $15 worth of take-out is infinitely greater than a man in a relationship.

Drink: Single

This is such a runaway category that it doesn't really need an explanation.  A single guy who likes the leisurely life will spend more on booze than any man in any relatiuonshio even if they take a bi-annual cruise without the open bar.

Gifts: Relationship

If you factor in stress, this might be the most costly part of a taken man's life economically, socially, and emotionally.  There are four days in the year where an extraordinary gift is required: birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, a December holiday, and maybe even Mother's Day.  The gift has to be thoughtful *AND* costly and don't let them tell you anything different.  I may have a total of a few weeks logged in a relationship, but working as a bartender and having lots of friends, I know ... I know the truth.

A single guy?  His gift just has to be thoughtful and timely.  A $25 teddy bear to a girl he likes is worth the same as a $450 Coach bag to a guy's wife.  Different levels of impression for different levels of expectations.

Vehicles: Single

If this category included stay-at-home moms, it wouldn't be even close.  However, kids are not a factor in this study and, thus, being single cost you more money on vehicles.   While non-single men are on the hook for most of the food and leisure and all of the gifts, women are great at paying all of the other things provided they work.  And only an asshole of a man would get with an unemployed, childless woman who needs everything paid for.  Or, of course, she could be extraordinarily hot, but since money greatly increases your chances with exceedingly hot women, those men who can hang with those types of girls couldn't give a fuck about what I am saying.  In fact, they are mad that they wasted time/money reading this far.

Single men spend more on cars than non-single men.  Excluding me with my piece of shit Toyota, most single guys have nice cars.  It is almost a prerequisite: big titties get our attention faster just like nicer cars get women's attention faster.  Both sides will unequivocally deny that, but that is good, that helps you spend less money on bullshit artists who can't see reality.

Now with gas costing two gold bouillons a gallon, the fact that the single guy is more apt to travel - both locally and long-distance - in his fancier car and we have the net winning result.  

Weekends: Single

This is where it all turns to shit for the single guy, financially.  Ironically, it is also the greatest boon of being a bachelor.  For the 48-72 hours of the week's prime party time, you can go wherever the fuck you please!  Usually, that is a bar, a strip club, a ball game, a concert, an amusement park, etc.  These things cost an extraordinary amount of money and are usually done repeatedly with a Wednesday or Thursday sprinkled in.

Even if your girl drinks like a fish and always has the most expensive Chambord-drenched martini, how much extra can that possibly be?  Keep in mind that one of you are driving and DWI-expenses are not included, even though even THAT will favor single men.  Single guys drink like Prohibition is starting in sixty minutes and do it much, much more.

Other leisure activities by single men are done so much more often that even a dinner at a five-star restaurant and front-row seats a Broadway show can't compare to the less-occasional-than-healthy 72-hour bender single guys go on.  I am an above average drinker and if I got out Thursday through Saturday, I am out $400 minimum ... twice a month.

Living Expenses: Single

Actually, the guys who are in the latter parts of dating (married, but not technically) are truly fucked here.  They pay for the single life without ever being single.  This is where married folk can go fuck off and die in a fire when they complain about costs: YOU HAVE TWO INCOMES!!!  If you have one income ... YOU HAVE AT LEAST ONE DEPENDENT!  

I actually consider myself lucky to be single and not dating in this department.  I only have to pay for the apartment and utilities ... I don't need to entertain a second-party, too.  Guys with girlfriends are truly fucked here.

So, in the end, being single cost more than being married.  Kids end this discussion with an obvious reverse winner, but without them, there is no way this is even a contest.   While it doesn't count in this study, if you factor in the catastrophic differences between being single or simply having a girlfriend leave and getting divorced, obviously the numbers change.  However, we aren't talking about negative expected value here.

Now, guys with girlfriends?  Well, at least they are getting good, relatively stringless ass with the good ol' financial prostate tickling they are getting.