Well, it's that time of year again and I thought I would just give my lady friends some advice on what to do if you can't find a date for Valentine's Day. Here's what I usually do: First I build a man out of paper mache' and toilet paper tubes. Have fun with this part...be creative! Olives make perfect eyes and you can use cat litter to make facial stubble if you're into the unshaven, ruggedly-handsome type. Dress him up in an old t-shirt that you stole from one your ex-boyfriends. If you're like me, you keep them in ziplock baggies so they still smell like the real thing! Then cook him a great dinner. Maybe macaroni and cheese, or even soup! Now it's time to crack open a box of wine and reminisce about the good old days. Like the time the two of you went to Lake Havasu and you rented that paddle boat and you dropped your corn dog in the lake. Then, let one thing lead to another and maybe, just maybe you'll get lucky!! Sex with a paper mache' man can be just as wonderful as sex with a real man, especially if you haven't had sex with a real man in over 7 years and can't remember what it's like. Then at the end of the night, just throw him in the fireplace and burn him.
Well, I finally got that potato chip from ebay that I've been bidding on and it's amazing! It REALLY DOES look like you can see Oprah's face in it! There are two little dark spots that look just like her eyes and a rippled part on top that looks like her hair before she got a weave and lost all that weight. The bad news is that I sucked it up in the vaccuum this morning when I was cleaning up some cat vomit. Eleven goddam dollars down the drain. Not to mention the sentimental value. A little piece of my heart got sucked up into that vaccuum this morning:(
Well, as most of my close friends know, the holidays are my time to kick back, slip into a turtleneck and cozy down with my cats for a little year-end reflection. So....here's what I've come up with for this past year. My life sucks. I have crappy friends, an 84 Nissan Stanza with no heat and every blanket and bath towel in my home smells like cat piss. The only good news is that this year is no different from any other. I've developed a pretty thick skin. (I mean that both figurativly and literally... I spent way too much time under a sun lamp in the '80s and my skin is like a lizard's neck.) So, to all of you, enjoy the holidays. Have fun with your families and your great friends and don't worry about me. I'm fine. I have my health. Sort of. And I have roof over my head (Which has been leaking a brownish liquid over my bed for about 6 months.). Merry Christmas. God Bless.....and fuck you.
sassy