A New Old Blog I felt to revive...
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Writing and Poetry
A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is my awakening...
I realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. I have come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming/ she is not Princess Diane and I am not Superman, or she a Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with me and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
I awaken to the fact that I am not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what I am ... and that's OK, as my profile reads, "Hate me now, to love me later, when you finally get it," (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And I learn the importance of loving and championing myself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
I stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to me (or didn't do for me) and I learn that the only thing I can really count on is the unexpected. I learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for me and that it's not always about me, and I thank God for the gift of discernment that at one time I hated. So, I learn to stand on my own and to take care of myself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.
I stop judging and pointing fingers and I begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. And still keeping in mind that trust is not a given to anyone human, but is earned through word and action.
I realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
I will learn the difference between wanting and needing and I will begin to discard the doctrines and values I've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, will learn to go with my instincts...follow my heart, and rely on my gifts from God.
I will learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
I will learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which I must build a life. This I will always stand on, if even at times it has to hurt someone that desperately needs the truth. All these changes and things are of us, and us alone...it begins with myself.
I will learn that I don't know everything; it's not my job to save the world and that I can't teach a pig to sing, or make someone do right. I will learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. I will learn that the only cross to bear is the one I choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. I feel I've spent too many times at the stake for everyone else, and yes that fire is hot!
I will then learn about love. Romantic love and familiar love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. I will learn not to project my needs or my feelings onto a relationship. I will learn that I will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on my arm or the child that bears my name.
I will learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as I would have them be. I will stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. Change comes for a need and from the heart, or with purpose for further growth and a deeper love (agape?).
I will learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and I learn that I don't have the right to demand love on my terms, just to make me happy.
I will learn that alone does not mean lonely. I will look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that I will never be a 6' 2" 220lb muscle bound stud, or the perfect size 5 and considered a 10, and I stop trying to compete with the image inside my head and agonizing over how I "stack up." I stack up just fine as I am.
I will also stop working so hard at putting my "feelings aside," smoothing things over and ignoring my needs for the sake of peace or to not hurt anyone else. Honest love hurts, but it hurts on a equal term. I will learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is my right, to want things and to ask for the things that I want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
I will come to the realization that I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and I won't settle for less, because its the very same thing I will give you from the very fibers of my own soul. I will allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes me, to glorify me with his/her touch and in the process, I will internalize the meaning of self-respect.
I will learn that for the most part in life, I get what I believe I deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and that the times that I don't then its time to know when to walkaway.
I will learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, I will learn that in order to achieve success I need direction, discipline and perseverance. I will also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to ask for help.
I will learn that the only thing I must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. I will learn to step right into and through my fears, because I know that whatever happens I can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on my terms.
I will learn to fight for my life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. I will learn that life isn't always fair, I don't always get what I think I deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, I will learn not to personalize things. I will learn that God isn't punishing me or failing to answer my prayers; it's just life happening, and that through it that perhaps there truly are greater rewards.
I will learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. I will learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of me and poison the universe that surrounds me. I will learn to admit when I am wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. I will always be honest with me, and in turn will be just the same with you.
I will learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, I will begin to take responsibility for myself, by myself and will make myself a promise to never betray myself and to never ever settle for less than my heart's desire. I will hang a wind chime outside my window so I can listen to the wind, and I will make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting those whom are proven, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in my heart and with God by my side I will take a stand, I take a deep breath and begin to design the life I want to live as best as I can.
*Note: I did not write this, but felt it needed to be read, and posted again for some that may have not been paying attention. There are however several area's of which I did make changes and additions*
A simple opinion...do you have one?
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Music
Ok...here's the footage of Amy Whitehouse now at of the hospital, and her first concert where she was accused oh punching a fan. Take a look at the video and tell me what you think? Personally I see a obviously TRASHED again Plain Old AmyWhiteTrash, needing help from the stage, and somewhat staggering as he gets closer to the barriers. Listen closely too to her singing! Yep, sounds to me like she is under the influence of something. No amoutn of programs, rehabs, or help is going to help this girl anymore...she's just a lost soul and another number in a statistic. By the way its also official now...statistically the United States now has the highest drug abuse rate in the world. Incredible when 10 years agon it was predicted that 80% od the Soviet Union's standing Army would be comprised of alcoholics. One good thing the USSR has done was open the country to programs such as Teen Challange, and other recovery programs (AA/NA, etc). They recognize their country's problem and at least are doing something about it, going so far as to give these organizations buildings and such to start their programs. Lets also keep in mind as you watch this video, this is the woman that said right after her last umpteenth rehab that she was divorcing her abusive, and drug addicted husband. She dedicated this concert in honor of him and announced he is being released much sooner than she could have imagined, and was elated about his coming home. As is sometimes typical in relationship where drug abuse is a huge factor, physical abuse begins by both parties (both party's or either can be the aggressor) many a time, and this video kind of prooves whom the aggressor is too. maybe the day will come Amy and her husband can both do one another off, and we can forget glorifying her addiction, and making excuses for her. I firmly believe that this woman needs emotional, physical, and mental help and really needs to be institutionalized as being a great harm to herself, as well as others. Lets really take a look at things as per Brittany Spears as an example. Although all the reasons have not been disclosed and rumors were of mental health issues, and drug addiction problems...the fact is she sought help, and is doing rather well. She's been given more time with her children, has not has any negative news reports in months now, has a TV role,and for all intent and purposes is gaining back control over her life in huge strides!
You watch this video and leave your thoughts...Click the link, or copy and paste into your browser.
Theres always a price to pay!
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Parties and Nightlife
I figured I would change catagories this time, because this is the end result of the same. I don't know about everyone else, but I am sick and tried of what people do to themselves everyday. Dealing with these issues for what seems like more years then they really are the losses I have seen, and watched first hand are tragic to say the least...jobs, homes, lives, families, loved ones, people themself, children, finances, freedom, etc. You name it! An active alcoholic/addict never stops to see beyond themself, even though they do believe that they do. Its not until recovery, facing their problems, the ghosts in their closets, that soon they realize that while in their active addiction they have literally torn apart those that do love and care about them the most.
I wrote about this months back, and also predicted the outcome of things yet to come. The question now is, "At her young age, will this be enough to make her stop, and proceed with that productive, fulfilling life they mention?" I am really to a point in my life, where I chose whom I help even more carefully, and find myself walking away sooner, and less concerned, because I am worn out from the excuses, the lies, the failures when every opportunity is right there before someone, tired of the hurt and usery I see, and tired of dealing with some that are mere walking death of what they used to be and are capable of. I know, I know in my heart of hearts that No Addict chooses to be that way, but without self love (real love) for one's self. No one without this has any to give away to anyone else, and the addiction consumes everyone and everything in that addicts life, until it takes even that! Don't ever stop fighting, trust in God no matter how difficult it is at times, always be totally honest with you first in everyone of your rights and wrongs, accept the fact that we as people have little control of our very own lives, and most of all learn to give it to God because there'll come a time you'll (a active addict) will burn every bridge, burn everyone in your life, say one too many lies, and find a point of aloneness that only an addict can, and in that time its only you and God. With luck and recovery you may get some of the people that believed in you back, but that will never happen overnnight when every bit of trust has been destroyed, and at one time you mocked or ignored it!
"LONDON (Reuters) - Soul singer Amy Winehouse has developed the lung condition emphysema and has been warned by doctors that she will die if she continues smoking drugs, her father said in an interview on Sunday.
Mitch Winehouse said the incurable illness, which leaves sufferers struggling for breath, was diagnosed when his daughter had series of health checks in hospital.
"The doctors have told her if she goes back to smoking drugs it won't just ruin her voice, it will kill her," he was quoted as saying in the Sunday Mirror. "The doctors have said that if she had continued the way she was going she could have ended up an invalid -- she wouldn't have been able to breathe."
He added: "She's got emphysema. It's in its early stages, but had it gone on for another month they painted a very vivid picture of her sitting there like an old person with a mask on her face struggling to breathe.
"With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes, her lungs are all gunked up. There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She's got 70 percent lung capacity."
He added that a spell in hospital last week and renewed treatment for her well-publicized drug addiction had offered a ray of hope for his 24-year-old daughter.
"If she doesn't go back to drugs, then she can lead this magnificent life," he said. "We are praying that that's what Amy really wants. She seems resolute."
He called on drug dealers to help her recovery by refusing to supply her with crack cocaine.
There is no medical reason why she shouldn't be able to perform at the Glastonbury Festival next weekend, he added. In the past, work has helped to keep her away from drugs.
"If she hadn't done recent shows in Moscow and Portugal she could have been dead by now," he said. "She abstains and regulates her drug use when she has to do a show."
Winehouse won five Grammy Awards in February and enjoyed commercial success with her album "Back to Black."
(Reporting by Peter Griffiths; editing by Kate Kelland)"
Powerful and yet...TRUE!
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is my awakening...
I realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. I have come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming/ Princess Diane and I am not Cinderella/Superman and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with me and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
I awaken to the fact that I am not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what I am ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And I learn the importance of loving and championing myself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
I stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to me (or didn't do for me) and I learn that the only thing I can really count on is the unexpected. I learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for me and that it's not always about me. So, I learn to stand on my own and to take care of myself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.
I stop judging and pointing fingers and I begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.
I realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
I will learn the difference between wanting and needing and I will begin to discard the doctrines and values I've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, will learn to go with my instincts.
I will learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
I will learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which I must build a life.
I will learn that I don't know everything; it's not my job to save the world and that I can't teach a pig to sing. I will learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. I will learn that the only cross to bear is the one I choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
I will then learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. I will learn not to project my needs or my feelings onto a relationship. I will learn that I will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on my arm or the child that bears my name.
I will learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as I would have them be. I will stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
I will learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and I learn that I don't have the right to demand love on my terms, just to make me happy.
I will learn that alone does not mean lonely. I will look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that I will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 , or a 6' 2" 220lb muscle bound stud, and I stop trying to compete with the image inside my head and agonizing over how I "stack up."
I will also stop working so hard at putting my feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring my needs. I will learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is my right, to want things and to ask for the things that I want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
I will come to the realization that I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and I won't settle for less. I will allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes me, to glorify me with his/her touch and in the process, I will internalize the meaning of self-respect.
I will learn that for the most part in life, I get what I believe I deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I will learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, I will learn that in order to achieve success I need direction, discipline and perseverance. I will also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
I will learn that the only thing I must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. I will learn to step right into and through my fears, because I know that whatever happens I can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on my terms.
I will learn to fight for my life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. I will learn that life isn't always fair, I don't always get what I think I deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, I will learn not to personalize things. I will learn that God isn't punishing me or failing to answer my prayers; it's just life happening.
I will learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. I will learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of me and poison the universe that surrounds me. I will learn to admit when I am wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
I will learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, I will begin to take responsibility for myself, by myself and will make myself a promise to never betray myself and to never ever settle for less than my heart's desire. I will hang a wind chime outside my window so I can listen to the wind, and I will make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in my heart and with God by my side I will take a stand, I take a deep breath and begin to design the life I want to live as best as I can.
*Note: I did not write this, but felt it needed to be read*
Amy Winehouse...
Current mood: bored
Category: Music
If people remember back to to February 23rd of this year I put a blog out there about the Grammy's and people's support for Amy Winehouse for her hit..."Rehab". I for one did not take to the fact that she suddenly went to rehab as being serious, and felt it was more a much needed break from the chemicals. See when people do it for the right reasons. most times they are desperate states by that point...Jails, Instituions, or Death itself looming overhead. I for a second perhaps appreciated her music up until the song "Rehab", because of the mockery and glamourizing she did about what she was doing to herself and those around her.
It was for this reason that I removed her from my friend's list as a sort of private protest because I had seen how some people that needed rehab actually seen encouragement from this song and reason to not get their lives straightened out. I also thought about the kids in the early stages of experimentation with parent's that need rehab and thought about the message that song spoke to them...sorry, I found it sad and not one bit of humor or reason to make a mockery of a real powerful and life controlling disease such as addiction. For the record, yes, there is no known cure as of yet for addiction, but I just heard from a good friend of mine from out here thats in recovery of a person that just celebrated...GET THIS! 50 YEARS OF SOBRIETY...WOOHOOO! Fifty years is incredible and speaks milestones about 12 step programs and what AA and the others in recovery can do with and for one another.
Anyway, we have an obvious and I won't use the term slip, fall, etc. because even a drink to an alcoholic or one rock to an addict is relapse...lets not sugarcoat what is! Ms. Winehouse was in no shape to respond to her allegations per a doctor at the Police Station, and now atop of this her own Father is begging her to go back into rehab again. Need I say more or explain myself further for removing her and her songs from lists in protest?
Lets look at the facts here people. She has been in and out of rehab, playing the old Brittany game. Check in, check out, I want help, nah I don't want help. She and her husband both have strings of arrests for drug possession, conspiracy, assault, etc, This arrest happened Friday, and just on Thursday she was removed from a bar by its management for using drugs on the premises. Personally, if I were management I would have called the police, but unfortunately they did not. Lets also remember her husband is also in jail and has been since before Christmas, but their history's are one in the same here.
So, people. Was I wrong to feel as I did upon finding out about rehabbing that time right after the Grammy's? I think not...the writing was on the wall already, another addictive ploy for a little break. I pose to you another question...what the hell in the world was this woman even doing in a bar after being fresh out of rehab in the first place. She hadn't yet learned to crawl more or less walk, and was not even near ready to make one single attempt to even walk into a bar. Truly what a person like this needs is whole lifestyle change before she ends up another Joplin...a year long program, and a new source of income, dropping old people, places, and things.
My Myspace account and people...
Current mood: angry
Category: MySpace
I just want to say something to the "Redneck Idiot" that for the last two weeks has been trying to get into (hack) my account during the night for the last two weeks and having me locked out of my account (or thinking so anyway) every morning when I finally log in.
1) You obviously aren't savvy enough with your 2 nd grade education to do it, more or less figure out how to get your pc turned on!
2) If it is so important for you to get into my account, just ask your mama (and your aunt, its one in the same, is it not?) for my passwords for everything!
3) Learn to spell and also leave my friend's alone, especially one in particular because I have have already blocked and reported your ingnorant redneck ass...and to every other one of my friend's. I apologize for the outburst and language, but a man's got to know his limitations and when we have people in this world with mentalities more on the level of that as dead toad, we sometimes need to vent! Rick
Please don’t be fooled by me.
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
PLEASE DON'T BE FOOLED BY ME- Charles C. Finn
Don't be fooled by me
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled
For God's sake, don't be fooled
I give you the impression that I'm secure
that all is sunny and unruffled with me
Within as well as without
That confidence is my name and coolness my game
That the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one
But don't believe me
My surface may seem smooth
but my surface is my mask
ever-varying and ever-concealing
Beneath lies no complacence
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness
But I hide this
I don't want anybody to know it
I panic at the thought of my weakness
and fear being exposed
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind
A nonchalant, sophisticated facade
to help me pretend
To shield me from the glance that knows
But such a glance is precisely my salvation
My only hope, and I know it
That is, if it is followed by acceptance
If it is followed by love
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect
It's the only thing that will assure me of
what I can't assure myself
That I'm really worth something
But I don't tell you this
I don't dare
I'm afraid to
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance
will not be followed by love
I'm afraid you'll think less of me
that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing
that I'm just no good
and that you will see this and reject me
So I play my game
my deperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
and a trembling child within
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks
and my life becomes a front
I idly chatter to you
in the suave tones of surface talk
I tell you everything that's really nothing
and nothing of what's really everything
of what's crying within me
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I am not saying
What I'd like to be able to say
What for survival I need to say
but what I cannot say
I don't like to hide
I don't like to play superficial, phony games
I want to stop playing them
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead
Only you can call me into aliveness
each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging
Each time you try to understand
because you really care
My heart begins to grow wings
very small wings
very feeble wings
but WINGS!!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me
I want you to know that
I want you to know how important
you are to me
How you can be a creator-
A Honest-to-God creator-
of the person that is me...
if you choose to
You alone can remove my mask
You alone can release me from my shadow-world
of panic and uncertainty
from my lonely prison....
if you choose to
Please choose to
Do not pass me by
It will not be easy for you
A long conviction of worthlessness
builds strongs walls
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back
It's irrational, but despite what the books
say about man
often I am irrational
I fight against the very thing
that I cry our for
But I am told that love is
stronger than strong walls
And in this lies my hope
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands
but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Thank you Erica for this poem and permission to repost this. I feel this goes right along with the 15 part blog and the postings after about Addiction, Recovery, and Mental Illness. In alot of ways this has been healing to me for things that were carried for quite a long time. Will it be the end or a new begining, or will it make me choose even more discerningly to whom I will reach out too? I can only say at this point, that as I have said right in my profile from day one. The part about my hand being held out, and myself being only human that my arm will tire and I soon have to take it back if you failed to reach back for it. I am at least walking away stronger, and perhaps having some freedoms I haven't had in quite awhile. To those that still suffer today with addiction...you cannot fight that battle alone and win! To those that fight their demons and mental diseases...you cannot fight that battle alone and win! To those that suffer because of anyone born with these afflictions...you cannot fight that battle alone. Take off your maskes, stop lying to yourselves, and tatste freedom for once in your life! Hugs Erica, and thank you pumpinhead, I love ya, and God bless!
Mental Illness, Addiction, and Recovery from...
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life
Theres really alot to be learned here from this one alone. Those that have known or been in any relationship in which alcoholism or drug addiction was involved could swear that that addict was crazy, and in some ways I guess thats safe to believe, when you consider how deep and insane things can get. Things like missing money or items and No one we know took it...yeah, right! The situations an addict would put themself in without even giving it a second thought. I mean think about how dangerous it going to buy dope at a drug house, alone!
Again I use the term addict being that alcohol is a drug! I know that while there are still plenty of alcoholics that are in recovery for years, many have a hard time with this term "addict", and feel just a little bit more esteemed by use of the word alcoholic, because again of that comparison thing. "I never smoked dope, I never stole money, I never had sex with someone I didn't know over drinking, etc." Let me just say this then...were you honest in your moral inventory, and did you not cause exactly the same kind of hurt and worry to those that loved you when you were lost in your "Alcoholism?" Hell, yeah you did so lets keep it as honest as we can since its an honest program, and use that blanket term "ADDICT." I say this because addict is the result of one being addicted to something, thus addict. I have also seen good sponosor's of AA turn down a newcomer, when asked about being their sponsor because they they do not see them self as knowing about drugs or being an addict...at times this can be a very wrong thing to do to newcomer, as they do need someone, anyone, even if its only temporary. Also consider the fact that anything mind or mood altering is a drug, and alcohol is a DRUG too, thus again ADDICT, and nope, no way in hell can anyone change my mind on this. I guess I can be a bit stubborn too, but the important thing to remember here is that this is about helping eachother, and helping one another to be clean and sober. So, what if you are not totally familiar with somethings, thats what temporary sponsorship is about, and in time a newcomer will or should find someone that they can relate to alot more if you cannot, so give them that chance too. The same chance everyone gave you when you walked through those doors that very first time, at your very first meeting or group session!
Sorry, went off a bit there, but that really was something that needs to be stressed to everyone...an addict is an addict, is an addict! Back to behaviors and the appearence of insanity. People in there addictions too many times, tell lie after lie after lie, that they truly do believe as they lie to you. They hang at some of the seediest places on the face of this earth. Place that when sober, they could almost deny ever being to. They become the victims of crimes many times over and repeat the same actions again, if in fact that aren't the one commiting the violence. Buying dope is illegal, then again so is drinking and driving, to be Biblical on this account lets look at the fact alone that if you "thought it you have sinned," more or less done it. The other Biblical fact in all this is that sin is sin, no one greater, no one lesser in God's eye's, and for the record. I am not above anyone and am a sinner too...just keeping it all totally real, and always will even if it raises the hair on the back of your neck at times, its not my hair, right?
Anyway, those that really get deep into their addictions, and are lost at times for years before ever becoming sober can tell you stories of the insane things they did. They even saw it all as perfectly fine and normal back then. Read that 15 part blog series on this prior to the last 3 blogs. Is it normal for a Upper Executive Manager of the Big Three Auto Maker's to stop daily at Walgreens and drink two family sized bottles of Listerine on the way and then tell his wife he was not drinking? Sane for the lady who never drank in her life, upon the death of her husband of years she begins to buy two quarts of vanilla extract everyday at the grocery store, drink them each evening with milk, get drunk, and then go to bed and deny a problem (yep, good vanilla not imitation is 80 proof/40% alcohol)? Is it sane for a man in trasitional living to tie 6 sheets together, climb out a third floor window because its a few minutes after curfew, then proceeds to descend with his cotton rope held together by knots because he wants to buy a rock...only to have the first sheet tied to a radiator inside unfurl its knot, allowing him to fall to the ground breaking his leg? Addiction reaches a point of insanity rather quickly with people because the drug becomes first above all else, up to and including the addict and the very fiber of what that person really is. Once a person crosses that line of fun and recreation, the first thing the addiction does is make that person blind, and then careless. This blindness then becomes denial which is probably even more of a struggle to most than the actual addiction itself.
The fact of the matter is that drug abuse is also a symptom of some mental problems...Bipolar Disorder, Manic Deressive, Depression (in in many cases), Schizophrenia, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and I am sure many other real diagnosis'. Too many times it all begins with self medicating and trying to escape what one is feeling. But, its a catch 22 with someone that may already be an addict and not know this atop of everything else. One the other hand we have the fact in the way drugs can affect a person's personality, mood, demeanor, actions, etc. The real truth in all this is that ANYONE knowingly diagnosed with mental issues and are on prescription medications from their doctor, therapist, or psychologist or psychiatrist should "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES BE USING ANY OTHER MIND OR MOOD ALTERING SUBSTANCES OF ANY KIND, UNLESS FURTHER PRESCRIBED BY THEIR PHYSICIANS OR OTHER LICENSED MEDICAL CARE GIVERS...PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!! If you are diagnosed and have prescriptions take them religiously and faithfully, a few pills a day for your own well being are nothing compared to the harm or damage you cause yourself and others without them, and God does NOT give us more than we can handle. Need I also remind people that Physicians and such were also people that God has put here to help us? The Apostle Luke was a physician and I am sure that Jesus didn't hang with him just because he liked him around...Luke had purpose to Jesus's ministry!
Its only been recently over the course of maybe the last 7-10 years where there have been more involved studies on addiction, causes, outstanding new break throughs in medications, etc. on all these related issues. There are new drugs for Bipolar, Depression, and even the urges and cravings that addicts have for their drug of choice, and in fact while in St. Louis, I met an addict that had 6 years of clean time for a crack cocaine addiction and had been on a drug called Naltrexone...this drug blocks the craving center and really had no side affects, or even altered the person in anyway. The cravings for all mind and mood altering drugs be it alcohol, cocaine, crack cocaine, meth, right on down through gambling and such. This person I am speaking of relapsed on crack cocaine a week and half after not refilling his prescription, and not having it! He at least did the right thing and put himself in rehab within three days of starting to use again, and swore he was not ever going to do that again after his discharge...he was proof of how far we have come in the treatment of things, and even this study I am going to bring up shows even more.
The study I am going to mention is one I found shocking when I first heard it, but paying more attention I'd have to completely agree with what I've seen, after reading about this study. 65% of those people diagnosed with mental illnesses, and have also been diagnosed with drug abuse problems..after one year of working a 12 step program, and abstaining from drugs, of that 65% its been found that within a year of sobriety and abstinence that about 40% or more are suddenly retested as nagative for their mental issues!! This simply means they are normal people and that it also shows in part that their diagnosis' came as reason of the effects of what the drug abuse was causing them to do and appear as. Self medicating doesn't work people, and if your prescription drugs are causing you problems tell your doctor, or seek another opinion. Unfortunately there are many, with mental issues that haven't insurance which leads to their becoming another number or body lost in the system, and without proper medical treatment and help their meds may not be doing the good that they could with medical insurance.
If you have problems with drinking or drugging and if you are straight using narcotics...you have a PROBLEM, without a doubt! GET FREAKING HELP!!! If you are having feelings of hopelessness, self doubt, mistrust, mind racing with all kinds of thoughts all the time. mood swings, etc then please go get help too! In this modern world there is no excuse whatsoever for anyone to not have help when they ask for it...its there, ASK FOR IT! In closing I again leave you a bit of the WORD..."Ask and you shall recieve!" Remember, God requires us to come to Him, its not the other way around, and as for miracles today? They surely do still happen, but all that Jesus had done while here on this earth every miracle still required something of us, be it faith, turning away from sin, a good deed for someone else, etc. Everything comes with a price, and ever notice how the things of what we see as pleasure seem to always cost us the most whether in money or ourselves?
The Codependant, Enabler, and the Addict
Current mood: crushed
Category: Life
I speak not only from a real experience on this, but also from what I have learned. Both while going through this myself, because of people in my life through the course of time, time in ministry in which this was a major issue, and because of friends of mine. Do you some idea how whats going on within a home is reflected through things we do not know or realize? Pay close attention the pets or children from within those homes I am talking about. The fact of the matter is that 1 out of every 4 houses on any given street in America is being manipulated, affected by, or is a home that is experienceing some affects of ADDICTION.
Quiet households have quiet pets as they pickup from their environment in most every case. Children are much the same as parent's and family always underestimate the true knowledge of a child, as well as how quick they are to figure things out, and even just observant little eyes really are. Too many times I have talked with people that can remember things from ages further back then we can imagine. Especially younger children that at times will in vivid detail tell you things from when they were a toddler's age. One way drugs and alcohol (addiction) works its little magic is that in early stages, it blinds a person headed to full blown addiction into being quite careless in their actions as they pursue their drug of choice. They believe they do things normally, and even lies become a very common part of living for them and they no longer realize just how many lies they have spoken in a single day...its as if the mind, the body, the person as a whole is totally lost in a denial that they cannot see.
Codependants are the same. They are dry addicts in part. They make the excuses for the adict, they cover for the addict, they too become so desensatized that they hide whats really going on in their lives. Some codepedeants are sicker than the addict themself. Well, allow me to explain something to you here. I have watched numerous recovering addicts from new to years of sobriety, the families and family members that more often than not choose to not learn about recovery, attend even a few Alanon meetings, educate them self about addiction, are in denial themself, or just figure its the addicts problem and not their own, in some cases watch their marriages and relationship with that addict dissolve. Why?
Not all, but definitely some families of an addict seem to be left behind in an addicts recovery and this is not the addicts fault, but their own. I have seen people divorce a now sober spouse when thats what they wanted all along because suddenly this person in recovery is really themself once again. As they become stronger, clearer, more decisive, sure, even more humbled the other person suddenly realizes that the other person is all that much more stronger than them, when before it was their job before. Many times while an addict is surely lost in the drugging and drinking, their way of peace was through kind acts, giving money, special little things they'd do, etc. also known as grandiose (people pleasing ie, buying rounds at the bar knowing others would keep buying them back, or knowing that charity acts will help them when they are out of money, etc.) behavior just to keep the peace at home so thay could do their own thing...Be HIGH. Suddenly as this person is now sober the behavior of being grandiose stops, because suddenly there is no reason to be anything else but them self. Its a control thing at times in some people, they took and took allowing the addiction to overtake their homes and their lives while the ADDICT just kept getting high. They had control over the addict knowing that the addict would do most anything at times, just to keep the peace and have the attention off them. Then again there are just those times when the other person really didn't know that other person any other way and suddenly everything is different. See, its not just the ADDICT that needs to recover, but its also those that truly do love and care about that Addict too.
Simply put, a codependant is that kid at school that gets in trouble for beating up a friend that called his mom a drunk or crackhead... and his mother real is! That kid is as sick as the addict! A codependant is the excuse maker for the Addict, the one that always covers or denies the Addicts use. The one that calls his boss to say, "John is sick and couldn't sleep last night, he won't be in today!", the one that screens the caller ID for the bill collector's calling to find out where the check is this time! A codependant is the one with the house full of company as the addict sleeps the whole time, and tells everyone how hard he worked the day before. The codependant is the one that gets in the car at 4am and will pick up his wife or girlfriend at the crackhouse where she has been for the last 3 days while the kids are home, because she is out of money and he and the kids have been worried sick about mom. The codependant is often times also the real bread winner and will still give money to the other person when they need it to go out for awhile. Its the person that tells their kids to be quiet because Mom has a headache, or doesn't want to be disturbed...know anyone like this? Perhaps you are even one?
The Enabler...these are the outsiders, the children, perhaps the codependant, a father, mother, sister, or very close friend! Enablers are those that knowingly and at time unknowingly support the addict. Its the child who caring about his mom makes her lunch for work everyday because he knows if not for him she wouldn't even bother eating today. It is the person that will always give the Addict money with every excuse the Addict presents them, even when they have that gut feeling that the reason this time is a lie. Its the one that opens the door at 2am to allow Tom to sleep it off on the couch, and will even turn around and give him gas money in the morning. Its the boss that is constantly bailing a troubled employee out of trouble at work because of their home situation and feels sorry for them. Enablers ultimately feed the Addicts Addiction knowingly and unknowingly at first!
Addicts and Alcoholics do most times have one thing going for them that they are good most times...another NEW reason! The boss is a jerk, its Christmas, my car is acting up, I Love You, I have to help out my friend, its raining, its sunny, its March Madness, I really need grocery money, I had an unexpected bill, the kids were too much today, the Taladega is running today, theres a meeting I have to be at (and its not AA, CA, or NA), I have to refill my meds, I had a flat, I (simply) forgot, their mother was a real bitch this afternoon, their father was a real asshole this morning, the kids are by their dad's, the kid's are by their mom's, it was my birthday yesterday (and its their 5th this year?), I don't do it everyday, I pay my bills, Mom hung the phone up on me earlier, that cop always hassles me, my kids hate me, and this list goes on and on!
If you see yourself or someone else in all this, bring it to them with love if you really love them. Also for the ADDICT when it comes for talks in times like these...don't ever say, "Theres always a but!" Hell yeah, there is always a but and unfortunately its your disease making a Butt out of you and the one's that are involved in your life that you really love as you are trapped under the mask of addiction. Get help...get help for yourself, for those you care about, and for yourself. The worst part about all of this is that in almost every situation and case help is nearer and cost free all around you, it doesn't come to you, BUT you need to go to it. Hmmmm? Funny, thats pretty much the same way God works too so, don't go blaming Him for your own choices and decisions!
To the Addict/Alcoholic, or one thats unsure.
Current mood: awake
Category: Life
After finsishing 15 pages of just a bit of where my life has lead me, where I come from, and what I never want to experience again. I give some thoughts to those lost in struggle, those in denial, those that are lost, unsure, and those that are Addicts/Alcoholics, know it and are either too damned scared to something about it, in that comfort zone where you cannot see the toll its taking on you and your body or those around you, and for those who have this disease being compounded by mental issues. Be honest if that too isn't beyond you just yet, because you at least have some hope!
1) How much more will it take before you realize you have no control over your disease, and admit that your disease(s) comes first, and runs your own life over everything and everyone else around you?
2) How long will it take for you to see how much trust, love, respect, and hope your disease has taken away from those that truly love you...and we are not talking other users, dealers, bar friends, and drinking buddies, etc. but your family and TRUE FRIENDS that love you?
3) Can you look in the mirror and love the person thats looking back at you?
4) Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?
5) How do you feel in knowing your actions are leaving wounds so deep in loved ones that they may not ever truly heal?
Now some further questions and even those that are social drinkers or recreational users, please answer these next questions honestly too...remember, a 12 step program isn't about perfection, but about progress, and progress just doesn't come without truth, just as do many things in this world. There are no shortcuts and for those that use every available shortcut, its only "YOU" that "YOU" are cutting short everytime, and with trickle down theory...those that loved you at one time unconditionally.
1) In the past month had you had to drink or get high first thing in the morning to feel right?
2) In the past year have you used or drank while driving, or have done this as passanger in a moving vehicle?
3) Have you consumed more than 7 drinks in a week or been high more than once this week?
4) Do you lie to friend's, self, and family about your use and the quantities?
5) In the past year have you had regrets after drinking or getting high?
6) Have to had blackouts of any kind while being high or drinking?
7) Can you stop after 1 drink, 1 pill, or one pull on a joint, etc?
8) Are 50% or more of your friends users or drinkers?
9) Have you made terrible choices while under the influence of mind or mood altering substances?
10) Have you failed to keep appointments, promises, obligations, commitments, and deadlines due to your useage or drinking?
11) Have you been involved in an act or have been the victim of an act of violence while under the influence of any chemicals (alcohol is both a chemical and a drug)?
12) Have you lost any jobs, relationships, children, spouses, etc. due to your drinking or drugging?
13) Have you suffered personal or financial losses due to your useage of drugs or alcohol?
14) Has family, friends, bosses, co-workers, children and spouses lost confidence and trust in you?
15) Have you in the past or now suffer(ed) physical distress, or ailments due to your intake of drugs/alcohol?
16) Do you have an onset of guilt, depression, or remorse after using or drinking?
17) Have you ever passed out from your drug or alcohol usage?
18) Have drank/drugged on the job, arranged lunch out only at places that serve liquor or you knew you could score at, do breaks and luchtime mean to you its time to drink or get high?
19) Have you ever wet your bed or vomitted in your bed from drinking or drugging as the main cause?
20) Have you ever woken up in unfamiliar surroundings, or even at home and not known how you got there?
A) If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions you need to investigate your habits immediately...try going to totally drug and alcohol free for 3 months and this should give you your true answer.
B) If you answered "Yes" to 3 or more questions stop drinking and drugging for a full month and have close non using friend go with you to a 12 step meeting, also ask close non using friends and family members if they feel you have a problem. If you cannot do these things..you are an ADDICT/ALCOHOLIC and need help! May you find it now and correct the damage your addiction has cost.
C) If you answered 5 or more of these questions as "YES" then you are A CHRONIC ADDICT/ALCOHOLIC and most likely have caused significant damage to your health, body, and your relationships already. Your addiction is causing problems in all areas of your life, get a complete physical, and a liver panel, and also ask sober friends and family members for their support, and to hold you accountable for your treatment and your recovery.
D) If you took this test to answer for someone else close to you then please see "Alcoholism Help" on the internet, go to a Alanon meeting, or 12 step recovery meeting and ask for further assistance and information. You can and most likely are addicted to an addicted family member (codependant/enabler), friend, or loved one and a addicts recovery is everyone's recovery, not just theirs. We need to remember that in many cases the codepedant and enablers are just as sick, if not sicker in some cases than the addict them selves.
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awake