NEW! Blog

If you like to read randomness by your's truly, check out my other blog.

http://url2life.blogspot.com/


I'm trying to keep it a bit more updated.

--Troy.

6:16 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

This blog is so old

I still can't believe how long this thing goes back.  Love it.  And Myspace is getting better than Facebook again.  Myspace seems to be speeding up, and Facebook is getting more annoying.

4:26 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Drinking

So, I attempted some beer drinking.  I couldn't do it.  My tummy started to feel funny, and it tasted like bad pop.  I was not impresed.

So yeah.  I am not going to ever fit in I guess, haha.

"Um, can I have a water?"

---NERD----

haha.  Oh well.

3:38 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

My Best Friends

I am a very lucky guy to have two best friends.

Two people that are there to listen to me complain.

Two people to check out guys with.

And two people to laugh my guts out with.

Kate:  I have known Kate since Grade 10 Science class.  She is the first person, that is my age and in this area, that I told I was gay.  We have been there for eachother through a lot of crap.  When her friends abdandoned her in rough times, or I got dumped/was feeling lonely, we stuck it.  We fight sometimes now, but it's only out of love.  I can't really imagine a life as a straight guy, but I would be lucky to date her.

Melissa:  I haven't known her as long, but we got really close really fast.  I'm afraid people may judge our friendship, since I am 3 years older then her, but I don't care.  Melissa is an intelligent and caring person.  She also has a blunt sense of humor, which I love.

I don't know how I would survive without these two people.

7:26 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Holding onto Myspace

Okay, everyone is leaving myspace.  It is sad.  Amanda, Alex, Christopher and Spencer have all left.  I have had myspace too long to leave it.  However, almost everyone that I like does have facebook... BUT NO!  I am too cool to leave the ads and the constant crashing/spamming.  haha

8:07 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

SLEEP

K, so, In slept through the night, but now I feel super sleepy because I had to wake up for church.  I am mtrying to get through this tea before I go, so I have caffine, but it's hot.

I think I may fall asleep during the service.  I miss the days when it was only an hour.

6:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Lacking Meaning

I still feel like my life is lacking meaning right now.

I just watched a walk to remeber and I cried so much my shirt is wet.

I am not happy right now, and I know that need to change.  However, I am seeing the world a lot different then I used to (not all bad).  This evening I went for a walk to the park, sat in one of those big swings, and gazed at the stars as the sun set.  It was beautiful.  It reminds me of my times 'with' Guy.  Where my mind could just float away.  I am really mixed up right now.  Haha, what else is new?

I think I know how to fix this though.  I have been putting a lot of weight onto this Nepal trip... but it is actually making things worse right now in some ways.  I am going to find a way to volunteer my excess time for the summer, right here in the community.  I still want to go to Nepal... but the reason i want to go to Nepal is to find meaning.  And, I think, if I look hard, I can find that meaning here as well.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  My back-up is the thift shop, but I would like to do something different.  I would like to do it in Elmira, so I wouldn't have to drive.  But I may go and spend some time at a homeless shelter in Waterloo or something.  Elmira doesn't have a lot of stuff volunteer oriented that isn't long term.

So, maybe this will help with my void of meaning.  I know it will.  I just need to do it.  I have always found God, or something, when I do my work.  May it be when I volunteered at the thift shop, or did my missions projects in the states.  I also found something when I was in Algonquin... a simple meaning.  It is amazing how much meaning building a campfire can have.  I hate our culture.  I hate it.  We don't value what we do.  We can't.  We don't know how.

9:04 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Condo in Toronto

So, I saw a remax commerical about how you can see prices of places anywhere in Canada.  So, I thought I would take a look at what it would cost to live near Humber.  I am pretty sure it is the last place I want to live out my life, but it would be nice for school.  The one place I checked out was three bedroom (so I could rent out the other two rooms) for 100,000.  Assuming a 25 year morgage, and a 5,000 down, I would be paying monthly $700.  EVEN if you factor in two other peoples rents at a total of, say $300, that still means find new roommates every year, furnature, power, water, food, and tansit costs.  Of course, this would mean I would have my own place, as in own.  Which would be amazing.  But I don't think that this is the time.  A lot of people may be like "DUH TROY!"  But, in reality, I could probably make it in that situation, but I don't think I'd enjoy it.  I THINK I will stick in residence for my stay at humber, or a close-by place to rent... but i would rather be in rez then rent me thinks.  Even if you rent close by, rez is much safer/closer to everything.  But I guess I really wont know until I am there.

One thing that I have thought about for a while now though is kinda, um, Orwellian maybe?  I was thinking about buying a small chunk of land up north.   For example, this property

http://www.remax-oa.com/FindProperty/OntarioFrame.asp?provinceId=11&regionName=Bracebridge

Not sure if thew link will work.  But it is a treed lot in the Muskoka that is about half an acre.  $13,900.  It may sound like a waste of money, but, if the world start falling apart, at least I would have a closeby refuge.  I know it sounds crazy, but look at it this way.  If I put 2000 down, which i could do by the end of the summer, and then payed $100/month for 15 years... I could own it.  My own littlke peice of land.  Okay, it's crazy.  And that is why I blog.  Gets my crazy ideas out.  It is still fun to think about though.  Hum, maybe I should price out some land in the Yukon.  Bahha.

7:12 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Radiant City

So I went to see a film this evening by the name radiant city.  I could have done a better job of it, but there was still a good impact.  It had the cinema lol-ing.  Good times.  Before I went, I was at Williams and met up with a bunch of EDSS buddies, in two groups.  It was pretty sweet, since I was feeling kinda lonely.

The talk about suberbia life and my life I felt.  Although where I live isn't too bad, it is still rather isolating.  And there is nothing to really do in Elmira at night.  We really need... something.  But any way, I will be out of here soon.  I hope Humber will be better.  No, Humber WILL be better.

I am still hoping to leave this area for a while before school starts, POSSIBLY nepal, but I am not sure of the costs yet.  If that is too high, I may just go on a bus trip north or something... live off the land.  Probably dangerous, but, it'd give me a chance to live a little.  But who knows, I am exploring my options, and if anyone has an idea, let me know!

8:30 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

my evening walk

The previous blog entery was from yesterday, I just posted it now.  I had a long thought to myself on my walk the evening about my mental health.  I wish I could say I got somewhere.  In some respects I have.  I am going to stop being this out of control guy hunter.  lol.  I can't do it anymore, it is driving me insane.  I am looking for love so agressivly, it has lost meaning to me.  To prevent myself from getting wrapped into the next guy, I am going to, well, stop trying to make things happen.  The only, ONLY time things advance for me, is when I make them happen.  I am always the one asking to hang out, trying to arrange... rearrange, and so forth.  It has been like this for years.  So I am done.  No more hook-ups, and no more facebook/myspace adds.  No more meeting guys at bubble tea or a random coffee shop.  I am offically retiring.  I will always be open to a guy who really shows interest in me... but I am done showing my own interest.  I simply don't have interest to show any more.  All I can do is cry right now.  When I look at an attractive person, I now get this sick feeling in the pit of my tummy, like something isn't right.  That isn't right.  So this maddness mus end.  I need to stop making myself crazy.  Now.

6:31 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Soo...

Myspace wont work. But i really need to write some emotions out. I'd prefer to not have this public, but I also don't like to hide how I feel.

Life has a mean way of showing ironic and cruel moments. Let me tell you why. I am going to assign a person with a letter.

A, B, C and D.

A was too tired to hang out with me today, which he then later explained why on msn. As this discussion was happening, I was talking to B. B and I were just having standard convo. The I added C to msn, to talk to her. As soon as C started talking to me, all the conversations turned in one direction... at my heart. I thought A might lilke me, might, you know, just that kinda like when you first start talking to somewhere... when you hardly know someone yet you know them so well. B was asking me about A, and I was talking about that feeling. C started talking about D, who had hurt me pretty bad about a month ago. Until this point, everything was going smooth. THEN!

A suddenly changed the convo in a direction that I didn't see coming.
When this had happened, I was talking as a optimist to B... then after I read what A said, I gave an "or else I could be totally wrong." Then suddenly, C's convo about D made me feel like crap too... And.... everything just went down the crapper.

Morel of the story is: Stop caring, because you just get hurt.

C had a good talk with me, so I feel better. But, I have a serious problem of thinking I can read people when I really can't. I also seem to be getting good at finding guys that are already in a love interest, or are totally insane.

I am really tired. As I have said in my blogs. I am so tired of this crap. It seems so stupid that I have to go though all these flaming hoops, to only land on my ass.

Love has betraid me. I even tried to stop looking for it... but then I get this false illusion that I found it any way. I keep breaking down. I am relapsing to grade 10. I am not good. I am not happy. This is not good. I don't need this, want this... I want out, and away. I need away. Fuck, you have no idea how much i need away from all these reminders and crap. You have no idea how much I try to listen to people when they tell me "it isn't that important, being single isn't that bad." For me it is. Okay? I don't know why. I think I know why, but if I actually knew, I wouldn't feel this way. I don't think I can know. I have tried my whole life to not feel alone. But I always do. I can feel alone surrounded by friends. I can feel alone when I am dating someone. The only time I don't feel alone is either when I get lost in something else (a book, a movie, an emotion) or else I think I am in love. Otherwise, it is all I feel. This constant feeling that wont let go. It is like something is pulling down on my lungs. It is like the air around my chills. It feels like I am haunted from the inside. Like I am missing something. Like I lost something. I can't remeber a time I didn't feel this way. I felt this way when I was a kid, even. Before I even knew what attraction was. Maybe in some sad way this is all tied back to my broken family. My rejection from my own father... and my mother seeming to 'move on.' My life is a ghost. As not being loved. I know people love me, but I can't feel it. All I feel is empty. I have already gone through 3 years of professional counseling. It's done nothing. It gave me this faulse allusion that things were better... that I have gotten better... but I have never really changed. I had, have, and always will be this monster. This person... no... this ghost. I don't fear death. I get scared, but I am not scared of death. I am scared of pain, but not in the idea of not existing. It is not right. I should be afraid. I think I see myself as a living corpse. Maybe that's what I felt about Tom. He isn't there, I'm not here, maybe we were in the same place. Or maybe it was just me being led on, then him pulling away. Most likely that is it, because the more time I spend living, the less romantic it feels. I used to be all about the romance. Now it all seems pointless. Maybe I can't feel love. Maybe all I can feel is the need for love? Maybe it is my life mission to find something I can never achieve. If that is the fact, that it makes sense why i don't fear death, because I have found my meaning in life, and feel completed. But I don't feel completed.. but that's the whole thing, isn't it? Fuck, I sound insane. Maybe I am. It happens to people. The difference is that I have control. Maybe I feel like shit on the inside, but I am world class at forgetting things that matter. I don't fake being happy... I am actually happy... when I am forgetting about all this stuff. But as soon as I start thinking about it, it is all I think about. It is like... nothing. There is nothing to relate this too. To relate this to something would only be shrinking it's meaning. My babbling should be enough to explain it.

Well, I feel better typing that all out. It was all true, but most of it was just venting, so please don't take concern over it. Then you probably ask "if he doesn't want attention, why did he post it?" My reason is simple. I feel a lot better when stuff like this is in the open. I feel like I didn't just tell a few people, but everyone. I feel as though I repented on my sins and my faults. Simply deleting this would make all my thinking pointless. And maybe, just maybe, someone, or everyone, feels the same way. And that's the problem with our world. Not enough people can just let go and talk. Just honestly talk. Get it all of their mind. No matter how crazy they sound, how stupid, or how lame. Saying alll this to a person would be hard, for anyone, so yeah, that's why I sat down for the last... I don't even know how long, and just typed. I didn't go back and read and fix grammar or sentence structure, I just typed. I did fix spelling, because I can't spell, and the only way I will ever learn is by fixing.

I think this is one of my longest blog entries, and it isn't even in my blog. I think I may need to star a new blog. Myspace is too unreliable.

6:30 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Let down again
Current mood: cynical

I am an optimist as much as I can be.  But when that little voice in you head tells you it isn't going to happen, you may as well listen to it, otherwise you'll feel like crap for the rest of the day.

Well, I ignored that voice, and I read until I got a text message and, like that, my evening was done.  Now I think I am just going to go to the cinema, by myself, and watch two films back to back.  I have nothing better to do.  I already turned down a shift today because I thought this might be the only free time this guy had for a while.  But nope.  He can't.  I honestly don't care too much for reasons.  When I say I am going to be somewhere, I am.  And if something massive changes in my life, and I can't make it... I do more then send a text message saying I didn't get enough sleep.

I am tired of it.  So tired.  I am not angered any more over things like this.  I am simply tired of these things.  I know I am going to be that same person in 50 years, sitting in the theatre by myself... maybe the odd time with a friend... just watching the screen.  Or sitting by myself, under the tree in my back yard, immersing myself in another reality.

Okay, now I am really getting over lame.  Well, he just called me, and apologized, so I feel a bit better now.  Still going to be a lonely evening.  I have to go out, because I told my grandparents I would, and if I don't, they think there is something wrong, and I don't want to talk about it.  I think I may just go for a drive now, park somewhere, and read.  Ha, I've read half of 1984 in a week, that is really quick for me.  I never read that fast.  But it is keeping me distracted at least... and I like reading.  It is so comforting.  And it beats TV anyday.  As for beating film... it depends.  Book and film are two very different things when it comes to brain interations.  Books let you become the characters... and you feel like you are writing the story.  A film lets you be a bystander in situations you will never be able to expirence.

Why do I keep crying.  Fuck.  Ever since Tom I have been an emotional wreak.  Okay, that's not true.  Ever since Tom, I stopped hiding how I feel from myself.  I am always open about my emotions to others... but I never used to be with myself.  I would tell people how I felt, but never feel how I felt.  Well, that's not true either.  I just seem to cry a lot more.  And not that kind of crying you force yourself to do.  The kind of crying that takes hold at your jaw, and makes your eyes feel heavy.

What ever.  I need to be alone I think.  Even though I am already alone... but my computer is not a good listener.  haha.

11:45 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

To my Internal Writer

I wrote something from my journal, then misclicked.  Then it was gone.   This is why I like pen and paper.  Period.  Fuck computers.  If you want to hear what I wrote, ask me sometime.  I love quoting my own writing, haha.

4:42 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The News goes Hollywood

First off, let me make my standing on watching the news.  If it's on, I'll hear what it has to say, but I never turn on the TV to watch it.  I think that The News is a very powerful medium, and could do a lot of good.  And when I mention the news, I am really combining newsprint and visual.

So I have noticed that the media is becoming increasingly aggressive in the past few years.  You see images that they would never show before.  You hear stories over-dramatized more then they used to.  I remember when CKCO news used to run all the local stories at first... the odd house fire, car accident, and robbery.  That didn't bother me, it was the news, and they told it like it was (or as best they could).  Since their recent move-over to CTV News, along with other stations I don't follow as closely, things like the Virginia Tech shooting seem to hit the headlines for days on end.  Also, local stories seem to be more about making the idea of something happening scary, more then talking about what actually happened.  It's sick.  And I am not happy about it.  More then that, I am seriously feeling like something should be done about it.  I can see how easily some of this stuff can change people.  The news IS scary.  And it IS scaring people.  Fuck, it scares me.  However, it is over dramatized.  And many of the 'stories' are just that, they become these plot lines and universal character archetypes that will let anyone attach on.  The idea of 'this could happen to me' is no longer the case, because the news basically tells you 'this could happen to you… this is what people are trying to do to keep you safe.'

Fuck, if people weren't so wrapped up in these events, and actually spent some time living their lives, maybe we wouldn't have as many problems and news stories to talk about.  The News is NEWS.  Please save the acting and dramatic for the cinemas and literature.  Please.

2:54 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Fucker

So Tom is dating a girl now, barrgh.  I am so mad, not because he is dating someone else, because he is dating someone.  He needs to deal with is issues, not cover them up in relationships...

I'm just mending my broken heart, not trying to cover up problems.

Fucker.  W/e, I'm too good for him anyway.

5:04 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment