Blowing of steam
Current mood: in need of a bludgeonous weapon

So, it's not even 9 am and I am in a horrible mood. I've been working nonstop on business stuff so we can be ready to work by the 20th of this month. There has also been the additional work of cookie orders, cakes and nights at the Chameleon for the past week, not to mention children, housework and our own personal finances and, of course, lots of gardening I have yet to finish. People say, "why do so much?". Who the hell else will do it? So, after taking yesterday completely off to lounge, spend time with my kids and husband instead of yelling at them, I find that I am overwhelmed with work today. I have to pick up the slack for items Chris did not complete last week which are imperative to starting build out. I'm am behind on my own paperwork too. I have to sit in a hot fucking ass room w/ no air conditioning because Chris deemed installing the ac units unimportant. I assume this is because he works in an air conditioned building and never spends time in the office doing any paperwork. I have about 6 loads of laundry, my floors are crunchy, the bathroom is a mess. We need a new fucking toilet which I am going to order online today because I'll be a fucking old lady before it is replaced if I do not. I am at my wits end. I appreciate help others have offered, but I can't and won't rearrange my schedule to make it more convenient for someone to help me because it is not convenient for me. Well, I'm off to try and do everything without keeling over from heat stroke. I'll let you know what hospital I am in after seriously injuring myself from attempting to install 2 150 pound ac units myself. And people wonder why I drink so much. Feh.

Currently watching : SCTV, Volume 2 (5 Disc Set) Release date: 2004-10-19

5:58 AM - 14 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Pain
Current mood: lousy with a silver lining

I am once again extremely late for my period. I am an emotional wreck for that, for stress and now because we have started dealing with the State and City for licensing, permits and the like and I swear to God, these people are not only morons, but unorganized morons. It just goes to show that most, not all, most folks who work for the government suck. They suck, suck, suck, suck. I did deal with a great woman from the comptrollers office today. It's just that no one is clear on what sort of order a business must fill requirements. I'm really, really confused and I hate to feel so helpless. We've worked so hard up until now and sometimes I just feel like I'm going to puke up all my internal organs and then my head is going to explode. I also take a lot of my stress out on Chris and I hate myself for it. I guess I'm a bit jealous that he gets to go to his job and when he comes home it's too late to really do anything on the business end. I also feel ashamed and stupid when I make mistakes and I'm sick of fighting with the kids to go outside and play, or pick up their mess, or just eat the fucking food I make them. So now you all know how insecure and pathetic I am. Hurray.

This has been a really good experience too. It's true that Vickie and I can put together a kick ass business plan. I've learned that I'm actually quite a natural with finance and spreadsheets, which was a pleasant surprise. I've learned so very, very much in this process. I have always had this fear of just getting older and older and never learning or wanting to try new things, which leads to bitterness, which leads to judgement of others which leads to dying alone and unhappy. I'm not worried anymore because I'm not afraid. Failure does not scare me anymore. I'd rather look a fool for trying and failing than look a fool for sitting on my arse complaining about people who actually try. I'm amazed at how empowered I feel when I'm not suffering from raging pms and self loathing.

Best of all, this is yet another experience that has proven beyond any doubt ever,ever, ever how lucky we are to have the friends and family we do. Be careful because this sort of sap stains clothing.

I'm going to take my pathetic ass down to the kitchen and get some baking done. It's the only thing that makes the voices in my head work together.

10:08 AM - 6 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

The right stuff
Current mood: drained

Do you guys remember the movie "The Stuff"? It was about this goo that everyone was eating and it made them zombies, or at least zombie like. Eh, just wondering.

Well, after months of stress and fuck tons of work, we received a commitment letter today from Provident bank for the full amount of the business loan. You know, for awhile I was wondering if the extensive research and anal retentive detail with the financial crap was worth it, but alas, it seems to have been. Today was the first time in the fifteen years I have known Chris in which he has used the term "obsessive compulsive" in a positive way when referring to me. He usually extracts joy out of telling people that I can only drink milk out of certain glasses or that not being able to find a certain pair of socks has the potential to postpone an outing. Wha-evah! Everyone knows that green and yellow socks are the only socks that can be worn with shirts that are warm colors that feature the color orange. What!? Am I working with amateurs here?

It was finally nice to have my Uber-organization pay off. My Dad gave me a bit of a lecture today about how I wasted my early twenties, blah, blah, blah. Feh. What are your twenties for? I could be a loser, douche-bag in my thirties! Ha!

So, I'd tell you all about the business, but it's sorta complicated right now. We're a market/restaurant/tavern and very child friendly. Most things will be made in house 'cause it's easy and very cost effective, plus we know what is in everything. If you are really that interested in the details then you can contact me, see.

Thanks for all of the support and help and offers for help. Ha ha! That's just my joy in the fact that so many have offered to help us free of charge, *sob*, just my emotions, I'm so happy for the help(and also that I can't afford to pay you anyway). Many years from now, when you've lost all of your teeth, we'll be able to repay in sandwiches. Sandwiches with crusty bread. You'll be happy to know that the "blended sammich" is the same price as all other sandwiches.

Erm, uh, the kids are good. Indigo is doing some reading, Lando can count to 13. Fours and any number with a four have never existed in this household. Why start? Indigo will be going to Catholic school next year. I know! WTF! I even spelled Catholic with a capital "C"! Twice even! Eh, city schools, wot yer gonner do? Better to go with the Catholics, am I right? (laugh & applause here). Actually, it's very fucking sad the city schools are in the state they are and that there are so many violent, screwed up kids. Parents should definitely have to take some responsibility for their super screwed up kids. Gawd!

Ugh. I'm goininkt to bed. Sees youse later.

7:28 PM - 6 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

My state of mind and other things you never asked about
Current mood: Shove off!(but actually needs a hug)

Well, if you don't already know, Vickie, Chris and myself are in the process of opening a business. Huhpplies! That's how Lando says it and as he is younger than I, it must make me cool to talk like that. Those kids and their slang, it's crazy! I'm having some issues, new issues even. I've been suffering from this feeling of being way too busy yet idle. It's like I'm trapped in a really boring Star Trek episode, or actually a Doctor Who episode, because they are much longer. The past two weeks have been a build up of feeling inadequate, unsure of my product and worried that I will not be able to pull off what I thought I could handle. It has made me very vulnerable, sensitive and the like. I know, you say, "You?! Sensitive?! Emotional?! I never!" It's true though. I even cry. Hard to believe. My bad attitude and leathery exterior leads many to think I save all of my moisture for the love juices needed to create an army of bitter and bossy offspring uniquely their own yet similar to myself. Unfortunately, three of my prime child bearing years have been squandered weeping for myself. The Catholics are very disappointed.

In less Colleencentric news, we are forging ahead in the business arena. It is very similar to Gladiator the movie but with no Emperor, or weapons, or even starving lions(is it lions?). Actually, if you just replace all the weapons with phones and everything else with paperwork, it's exactly the same. Well, close anyway, I mean, I think the three of us melded together might look like Russel Crowe. Actually, we would be soooo much hotter!

Seriously, we're getting there. I am overworked('cause I ain't gettin' paaaid), and stressed and finding that my people skills are fading fast. I fear I'm becoming Chris! And Chris, hot dog! He's come a long way baby. I can't remember the last time he offended someone. He has been a trooper. So has the Vickster, Vicko-rama, Vickmiester. I should make a top 10 list of those I call most frequently when I'm freaking out. It would be based on a 14 hour period. It would be Vickie, Chris@work and Linda. Good job guys, you all win the Golden Emotional Tampon Award! Such talented folks...

But, superforserious. It's been a wonderful and crazy ride(I'm sooo rockstar) so far and if we pull it off I volunteer all three of us for business advice. Lord knows we got a ton o' help from some great folks. Everyone has been super-great and I am super-sad that we rarely ever get to see anyone super-ever. Don't forget, we are super-needy and we need your life esssssencceee because we are Skeksis! Skeksis friend!

Uh, in news that may affect you, if you want it to, I had refused to give up my gardens. The flower bed, which has really gotten out of hand, is being hand tilled, by me. Ah've got sum aggression tah work out, ya know. Actually, I'm working most of the beds by hand(wink, wink) because we've got manure coming this week. I let all the plants die in the garden(after clipping them so they don't go to seed) and pull them up end of winter, beginning of spring. The soil stays very crumbly that way, it's great. I actually plotted out beds this year and have been marking off sections with a white cotton thread I use to truss meat, I find it breaks down great on it's own, super cool. I have a hankerin' for yard work. I've done a lot with the compost since we had a warm snap. I havta tellya, the worm bins, egad. Those worms done multiplied! I actually created some leaf and large matter bins(not like bodies) in some out of the way areas of the yard. Oak leaves, whole, take about 2-3years to break down and some larger branches of trees, if treated properly, will take about the same. It's crazy. They'll make great mulch. Oh, isn't that a Perry Farrell song?

Holy! Who knew a girl of such few words, like myself, could write soooo much? I miss many of you "MotherFathers" so much. I's nevers gets tas sees anyones anymores.

YOU ALL RAWK AND NO, I AM NOT YELLING!

Currently reading : THE ILLUSTRATED MAN: The Veldt; Kaleidoscope; The Other Foot; The Highway; The Man; The Long Rain; The Rocket Man; The Fire Balloons; The Last Night of the World; The Exiles; No Particular Night or Morning; The Fox and the Forest; The Visitor By Ray Bradbury Release date: 1978

7:14 PM - 6 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

The Chariot
Current mood: sinus pressure is crushing my face

I was inspired by Valerie



The Chariot (Le Chariot)
The Child of the Powers of the Waters; The Lord of the Triumph of Light

Card Number: 7
Key Number: 18
Rulership: Cancer
Hebrew Letter: Cheth
Translation: Fenced or Enclosed Field
Numerical Value: 12

Divinatory meaning
Upright - Triumph over adversity, overcoming life's obstacles, decisiveness and ambition in achieving one's goals, well deserved victory. A period of struggle ending in worldly success. Self control, effort, perseverance. Working within the boundaries of one's life to build up a successful existence.

3:08 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh yeah
Current mood: kind of stinky

Motivated by Lindee. Yeehaw.

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Currently reading : Upstart Guide Owning & Managing Bar or Tavern By Roy S. Alonzo Release date: 10 September, 1994

8:08 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

MAH GAWD
Current mood: WANTS TO BE WELCOMED TO THE PLEASURE DOME

I'M USING ALL CAPITALS THESE DAYS. ANYHOO, WORKING HARD, LEARNING HOW TO DO FINANCIAL SPREAD SHEETS, BEG PEOPLE FOR MONEY AND SUFFER FROM SEVERE MATH INDUCED INSOMNIA. I TAUGHT MYSELF SOME EXCEL TODAY. MY BRAIN HURTS. ONE DAY I WILL RULE THE WORLD(WITH EXCEL)! BESIDES THE EXTREME STRESS COMPOUNDED BY LEVELS OF EXCESSIVE STRESS, THINGS ARE GOOD. DID I MENTION MY BRAIN HURTS? IF ANYONE IS UP FOR A NIGHT OUT(NO CLUBS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH), I'LL PAY IF YOU TOSS ME ON MY LAWN AT THE END OF THE NIGHT. JEEBUS, I NEED A HOOKER.

6:05 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

What I want for Christmas
Current mood: bringing back pantomime animals!

A pantomime horse.

Currently reading : Lost Horizon: A Novel By James Hilton Release date: 15 June, 2004

1:00 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Weird
Current mood: bona fide sissy pants

I'm screwing around on this site dead or alive and I look up Jim Henson because I've been having an ongoing argument with Chris or maybe it's Jon about the year Henson died. It was 1990. Anyway the weird thing is, I feel this bizarre attachment to him. I mean, if I see a photo of him, or sometimes just watching the muppet show, which we do frequently, I start crying because I feel the world has lost a great man. Today when I felt those pangs of sadness I suddenly thought, "Wow, that's weird, you didn't really even know anything about this guy." But I cried anyway.

11:25 AM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Who you callin’ perky?

Things are delightful! Some of the time anyway. In the morning I either feel ragged out because I can't sleep because I'm stressed and my mind won't stop racing(my brain talks twice as much as my mouth so you can see what I'm up against) or kinda groggy because I had a couple drinks but pleasant because I actually slept through the night. Chris and I are getting along swimming, surprisingly enough. All the years practice arguing. Pffft, I knew it would come in handy. Vickie rocks my socks especially because she doesn't yell at me for calling her at work like 20 times a day, that's a very close estimate too. The kiddies are great but crazy. Lando uses the big boy potty now and Indigo can write her name and the word cat. She's doing alright with letters but she's really good at numbers. She loves to draw and every piece of paper she sees she writes her name and draws something on it. Many of my lists include INDIGO, whatever that is. The kids had a fashion show last night, i'll post photos later.

Sooo, things are good. I miss everyone and would like to get out or together here and there. I really need a break. Hope everyone is happy and healthy. Stay beautiful.

Currently watching : Mean Girls (Special Collector’s Edition) Release date: 21 September, 2004

3:06 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment