"I just want to let you know that I will bite anything that goes into my mouth."

Those were the words uttered by Amy after she had bit down on my tongue. How the hell did I even end up in this situation? I mean, how did I go from making out and experiencing pleasure to experiencing the most intense feeling of pain with an added warning of having other parts of my body being bitten on?

I never saw this coming. Amy looked so sweet… and she was cute. The girl had just turned 21. She wore glasses and had chin-length hair. She had all the signs of looking innocent with a slight twist of naughtiness added to the mix. In retrospect I should have seen the signs.

She had a skull and crossbones tattooed on the back of her neck which is definitely not a hint of innocence but quite the contrary.

So here we were at a concert featuring some quality bands Plastillina Mosh, Kinky and Ozomatli. Amy had been kind enough to hook a bunch of us with tickets to this show. I was looking forward to this night. Based on her text messages earlier that night I knew it was going to be an easy kiss close.

About an hour into the show all of us went outside to the fountain area for a break and Amy was ready to meet up with us. We hadn’t seen her all night as she was seated somewhere else in the theater. She had been bombarding me with text messages, "Where are you," "I need to see you," "Hurry up, I want to get with you."

I was thrilled! As soon as we get to the fountain area there she stood in a drug-induced haze. Definitely not something I wanted to see but I was willing to plow through the situation. Her hair looked stringy and oily, eyes were bloodshot, and her gaze was definitely out of focus. Fuck! This was not looking good.

We made small talk and within minutes she was holding my hand telling me how she admired my line of work (I’m in social work). According to her, male social workers and elementary school teachers were high on her list. What can I say? Flattery will get anyone pretty far with me.

The music started again and we headed back inside. I’m not a big fan of Ozomatli, and was bored. The only thing on my mind was getting a make-out session with Amy to make this night worthwhile. She looked at me and said, "You look bored, want to go outside?"

I nodded "yes" and off we went.

We talked for a bit, and I wish I could recall how I lured her in for the kiss. I don’t have a technique. In fact, every kiss has been different… It all depends on the circumstances.

Sometimes I’ll use something to distract a woman and then I’ll go in for the kiss. Other times I’ll kiss her neck before going in for the kiss. Or I’ll just put my hands up to her face and pull her in. Like I said, it all depends on the circumstances.

We began to make out. Not the best I’d had, but just right. I can still recall how this girl wouldn’t give me more. Usually a girl will give you a bit and will slowly escalate to deeper kissing or will display more affection. A kiss will go from innocent to passionate, sometimes in a matter of seconds, sometimes in a couple of minutes. Either way it will happen. Not Amy.

It was like a flat line. Just enough lip action. Not enough tongue action. I consider myself a proactive kind of guy when it comes to kissing. If I want it to head in a certain direction most girls will follow. That’s what a girl wants. They want a guy to lead them. I’m a man, so I’ll lead.

I’m sure a good 10 minutes had gone by between our stop and go action. Kiss then pull back. Kiss then pull back. Still she wouldn’t escalate. Then out of nowhere she says the magic phrase, "Let’s get out of here. Let’s go somewhere else."

A smile flashed across my face. Instead of taking off in that instant I felt I had to kiss a bit more. I just wanted to make it better. I knew we could get a better kiss. So I made my move. After some more kissing I gave her some tongue and she followed. Her tongue started to work along with mine. Tongues were twirling and we had a good rhythm going. It must have gotten good because we had an audience. I could see one guy from the corner of my eye taking a seat some distance away just so he could watch us. I didn’t mind. I’m not that shy. In fact, I believe that I was a performer in another life.

Just when things were getting good she grabbed my tongue with her lips and began to suck it and with no warning she sunk her teeth in to my tongue. As she did this I could hear her growling at the same time. My God I went from kissing a human to fighting for my life against a werewolf.

This was the most intense feeling of pain I’ve experienced. I’ve had my appendix nearly rupture, sprained all my fingers, received kicks and punches in martial arts classes to all parts of my body and I can attest to the fact that this was pain unlike anything I had ever experienced.

My body tensed and an involuntary scream was nearly coming out of my throat. With my eyes shut I felt like pulling away but I felt like my tongue was ripping so I just froze there. Now I have never hit another woman. But my body wanted to fight back and hit with a flurry of punches but it was like my body had frozen. Magically she let go. As suddenly as it began it ended. Everything was blurry and I could hear her giggling.

"Are you okay?"

"No I’m not… what the fuck was that for?" I muttered what sounded like this but it was hard to speak. My tongue felt numb.

That’s when she gave me the warning about biting anything that went into her mouth.

"If you didn’t like it you could have told me. You didn’t have to bite like that." My eyes were stinging. I felt relieved knowing that I was maybe 30 minutes from having my dick chomped on by Jaws.

She began to apologize. "I’m sorry baby. Come here I promise I won’t do it again."

I was stupid enough to try this again. Not the biting. She did promise she wouldn’t do it again but I was wrong. A couple of seconds into it and she lunges again. This time our teeth banged together.

"What the fuck is wrong with you! Don’t you get it I don’t like it!"

"How do you know that you don’t like it? You’ve never tried it," was her response.

She had done it once and I didn’t like it and she had hopes I would like it after a second time? Okay this was too weird.

She started to tell me how she loved "extreme S & M" and she wanted to introduce me into that world because I looked like I’d enjoy it.

"I look like I’ll enjoy it?" I couldn’t talk with my tongue swelling up.

She went on to talk about how she doesn’t get turned on with regular sexual intercourse but only does with nipple clamps, punches, whipping, chains, gag balls, and the ultimate turn on- drawing blood.

I turned away ready to get up and the chick lunged at my neck trying to bite it barely pulling a small piece of flesh from my neck.

"You know what this is not going to work out. I’m out of here. I’m going back inside and you can either follow me or you can wait out here."

"SIT DOWN!" she screamed.

Fuck I thought I had Linda Blair in the Exorcist right in front of me now. I had to get away.

"YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!"

I’ll be honest I am a patient person but one of the things I don’t have a tolerance for is anyone raising their voice at me. I just don’t tolerate it.
My response was a simple…

"Fuck off!"

Off I went to meet up with my friends, but lo and behold, she ran up to me and grabbed my hand and was leaning into me like we were the loving couple of the year. Eventually she got the message and she wasn’t very touchy feely anymore.

For the next 72 hours my tongue had her teeth marks on the underside and the veins were looking fat. No blood was drawn but I can tell you that I lost my appetite for the next 5 days. When food touched my tongue I felt that unmistakable sensation of nausea taking over.

I learned a couple of lessons that day.

Lesson number 1: S & M is not for me.

Lesson number 2: people aren’t’ always what they appear to be.

(This is a column I wrote for www.chickswithgunsmag.com)