Repo’s Lament
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

The horror genre has always been maligned by the mainstream. For as long as I can remember, the general public has frowned upon not only horror movies but also games, TV programs, books, you name it. As a result the horror community has remained small and extremely tight-knit. It's a circle of the nicest, most down-to-Earth people you could ever hope to meet. How many times have you been standing in line for something and noticed someone else in line wearing an Evil Dead t-shirt or something like that? Instantly there's a connection between you and this stranger. You both smile and nod. Maybe even start a conversation. I've made so many fast friends like that. It's pretty amazing. We love and support everyone who loves and supports us with great conviction and affection. Especially our champions, one of which is the subject of my little rant. A company who has long been one of horror's best friends. A company called Lionsgate.


Here is a studio with some balls. In 2003 when no one else would release Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses, they gave it a home. They took the chance. Two years later they gave Rob the green light to deliver a sequel that turned out to be one of the best films of the decade, The Devil's Rejects. I don't think any other studio would have touched that one with a ten-foot pole. The chance taking wouldn't end there though. Their slate also included what has become one of our genre's biggest and most thriving franchises, the Saw films. When the original flick dropped in 2004, it was hugely successful. Lionsgate got behind its creators and then took a chance on a really young director whom no one had even heard of to direct Saw II, III, and IV. That director is Darren Lynn Bousman, and he pulled off quite a feat. This guy progressed the series in a direction that no one could have imagined ... they got better and better. Saw was a movie that did not need a single sequel, much less several. I was one of those folks who cried foul upon the announcement of the sequels. I don't think I've ever been happier to eat my own words. In the end Darren's movies have brought in around three hundred million dollars for Lionsgate.

Also in 2004 the studio took home the Academy Award for best picture with Crash. While I was happy for them, it also got me a bit worried. Now that they've been placed up there with the majors, would they forget about all of us loyal fans? Thankfully years have passed, and they've honored their roots. Like New Line, Lionsgate is a company that the horror genre helped to build, and to this day they give young filmmakers a platform to get their movies out there on a fairly big scale DVD-wise, and I commend them on that. Yet, a chill runs down my spine. Something is in the air. Could these days be coming to an end?

Recently things have gotten kind of hairy and not in a cool Lycanthropic way. In what has to be the most absurd turn of events ever, Lionsgate opted to take Clive Barker's latest film, The Midnight Meat Train, and dump it into a few second-run theatres across the country. I'm still scratching my head over that one. The movie was given absolutely no chance to perform at the box office. This was a film that ordinarily would have been championed by the studio. When I went to see it, three tickets cost me less than ten dollars. I felt so bad that I bought three more just for the hell of it. Clive recently spoke out about this situation on MTV's Movie Blog.

From that article:

"There's room for everything," he told the site. "You don't have to shit on somebody else's work to advance your own material ... This is all about ego, and though I mourn the fact that 'Midnight Meat Train' was never given its chance in theaters, it's a beautifully stylish, scary movie, and it isn't going anywhere. People will find it, and whether they find it in midnight shows or they find it on DVD, they'll find it, and in the end the Joe Drakes of the world will disappear."

Drake is the current president of Lionsgate (replacing Peter Block), whose lap the release decision apparently fell into when it all came down, with Drake choosing to shift attention to films like The Strangers, which he received a producing credit on; he didn't want other horror movies taking away the spotlight. Clive went on to call Drake a "small-minded nobody".

What a sad, sad situation. Something like this couldn't possibly happen again, could it? Enter Darren Lynn Bousman's Repo! The Genetic Opera. I caught this film recently and was completely blown away. It has easily found its way onto my upcoming "Year's Best" list, and I'm not alone. There's been plenty of positive buzz around this film. It's been coming from just about everywhere and anyone who's seen it. Everywhere ... but from Lionsgate. In fact it's been announced that when the film does go theatrical, it will be on fewer than ten screens. Color me stunned. Given that kind of release, it's pretty safe to assume there will be no marketing budget behind it, and the folks who would have gone and seen it around those few screens won't even know that it's there. Dare I say it, this is even worse treatment than Meat Train received.

Ponder this if you will: Bousman has made Lionsgate hundreds of millions of dollars, and he gets less than ten screens for his new movie. That's akin to being punished for doing good. It's not like this is some backyard high school play. This is a visionary film with extreme marketability. Here are just a few points of interest:

You were a good kid, Charlie Brown!
Category: Life

6:50 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

An Ode to Steven Seagal
Current mood: fascinated
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Did you ever notice the greatest thing about Seagal movie titles is that they tell a story in order of their release? No? Well dig below.

Steven Seagal was ABOVE THE LAW, but he was too HARD TO KILL, so now he’s been MARKED FOR DEATH, by Haitians who are OUT FOR JUSTICE. Can he live while UNDER SIEGE? Could you survive while UNDER SIEGE 2? It was time to make an EXECUTIVE DECISION about THE GLIMMER MAN. There’s a FIRE DOWN BELOW and only Seagal, THE PATRIOT can heal the EXIT WOUNDS left in his TICKER. Despite being HALF PAST DEAD, THE FOREINGER who was OUT TO KILL Seagal emerged from THE BELLY OF THE BEAST. His name was CLEMENTINE. Safety was OUT OF REACH for Seagal, but still he walked INTO THE SUN until he was SUBMERGED into the Pacific Ocean by a threat unknown. TODAY YOU DIE yelled Clementine as THE BLACK DAWN rose. But Steven is a MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE, a SHADOW MAN, an ATTACK FORCE all his own! His FLIGHT OF FURY would unleash some cold hard URBAN JUSTICE as he PISTOL WHIPPED the man whose true motivation was to stop filming of THE UNTITLED ONION MOVIE. At this KILLING POINT Seagal prevailed, proving that he is still -- THE PRINCE OF PISTOLS!

To be continued ....



I know. Too much time on my hands.

12:10 PM - 10 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

The Best and Worst of 2007
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

What a fucking year! It's hard to make lists and even harder to put said lists in a top to bottom fashion. So, to avoid confusion my picks will also be in no particular order!

Hatchet - This year I have sat through plenty of "films" that came close to making me question why I love this genre. Then Adam Green's slasher opus, Hatchet, splashed itself by the gallon of grue across my screen. In that instant any doubt was erased. It all came back to me. The excitement! The adrenaline! The pure joy associated with watching a swamp monster tear someone's head in fucking half! Starring Kane Hodder as a veritable freight train of terror, this little flick had almost everything I was looking for, except – genuine scares.

For those, my next pick more than fit the bill …

Paranormal Activity - Holy jaw-dropping, please-turn-on-a-fucking-light shit! Rarely do I ever watch a movie twice in a row. But after seeing Paranormal Activity for the first time, I needed to see if it really was as scary as I thought it was. So I invited over friends. This is now a ritual. Every time someone comes over I subject them to this. Watching people watch this film is almost as fun as watching it yourself! Every time someone covers their eyes or literally turns white as a ghost as their mouths hang agape, I get that giddy feeling inside. I like to think that when it comes to horror I'm pretty damned jaded. Parts of this film scared the hell out of me. I'm willing to bet it will have the same effect on you!

Grindhouse - Wanna talk about kickass? It doesn't get much better than this. If you didn't catch this in theatres (and shame on you if you didn't), brother, you missed out on one hell of a good time. Seeing the double bill with the mock trailers and all the other bells and whistles added up to what could only be described as one of the best times I've ever had in a movie theatre. Being a New Yorker and having seen some of the films this "experiment" emulated in their natural environments, I was stunned at the authenticity of it all. If only the theatre had stunk of dried urine, my viewing experience would have been complete!

28 Weeks Later - Here's the shocker of the year for me! My initial reaction to the film's announcement was lukewarm at best. It just seemed needless and truth be told wreaked of cash-in. I've never been happier to be wrong. Scene for scene, scare for scare, 28 Weeks Later is every bit as solid as its predecessor. That is if you can ignore that one little golden moment of plot-line stupidity in which the zombie dad chases his kids around like the shark in Jaws: The Revenge!

The Mist - I sat there in the theatre with my jaw dropped to the floor for almost the entire runtime of Darabont's latest King adaptation and can honestly say that The Mist may just be one of the ballsiest horror films we've been treated to in years! While most have an issue with the film's ending, I loved it and thought it added the perfect exclamation point to this monster-filled thrill ride. This is a film that will leave you talking about it for quite some time after seeing it. Honestly, is there a bigger compliment than that? Job well done!

Honorable Mentions - Wrong Turn 2, Fido, [REC], Sweeney Todd, Flight of the Living Dead and 1408.

Captivity - The only real torture porn going on here was happening to the audience that paid their cold hard cash to sit through this boring abomination. Considering the folks involved with this shit (minus the Dungeons and Dragons guy), it's amazing that Captivity turned out as bad as it did. To this day I hide this DVD when I see it on store shelves. I'm doing my part for the kids, ya know?

Blood and Chocolate - Hey, moron! How about you do that wacky "jump off the wall" shit from atop the highest building you can find! And please, for the love of sweet baby Jesus lying sleeping in the manger, take the entire cast and crew with you as you plummet arms flailing to your doom. My eyes still burn from watching people explode from rainbows into wolves.

The Invisible - How I wish the reels of film were invisible in the theatre that day I sat down to watch this whiny teenage drivel. At least then the projectionist wouldn't have been able to spool the reels and run this shit. "My family doesn't understand me. Wah!" Fuck you.

I Know Who Killed Me - This flick transcends the term "bad". The simple truth is if you wanted to you couldn't set out to make a film turn out as bad as this. It has to happen from a combination of honest effort and complete accident. Still, it had some great gore and was so ridiculous that it provided me with some of the best laughs I've had in forever. Again I ask … Art fucking Bell?!

The Hitcher - This is it, folks! I know I said these were in no particular order, but this is the stinker of the year if not the decade thus far! Platinum Dune's faux-gritty sub-genre really scrapes along the bottom of the barrel here. It's not so bad it's good; it's just a joyless piece of total shit with not a single redeeming quality to be found anywhere. Abysmal. Repugnant. Needless. It's raining cars. Hallelujah. *throws punches in the air while saying "Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!"*

Dishonorable Mentions - The entire month of February, The Hills Have Eyes 2, The Reaping, Skinwalkers, and I'd like to include Creepshow III but honestly I don't even consider that a film.

See you in 2008, for better or for worse.

11:56 AM - 13 Comments - 15 Kudos - Add Comment

Thanks for the Indigestion
Current mood: angry
Category: Parties and Nightlife

I love horror. It isn't just something I like casually. Horror makes up my molecules, man. It is who I am. As a result on any given day I can be found wearing a horror themed T-shirt, thanks mainly to the lovable sickos at Rotten Cotton.

So there I am having dinner with Debi and author Jeff Strand. Things are going great.  We went to a place named Mimi's Cafe and the food was great! Jeff ordered a French Quarter, Deb got a salad, and me? I looked for the first thing I could find that should come with a side order of paramedics. SCORE! -- A Barbecue Chicken Stuffed Quesadilla dripping with cheese! Bring it on! And while you're at it, wheel over that fucking defibrillator! Thanks M'man!

*chew* CLEAR! *ZAP!* *chew*

We chowed down and were feeling pretty good. Than it happened. The server came over with the check. She was your usual server: big smile, over enthusiastic, and cursing our existence under her breath. Who cares if she was probably wishing cancer and syphilis on me. She kept my drink full and that's really all I expected. All was cool until she attempted small talk.

I hate small talk. You don't really care how I am doing tonight because you don't know me, and please don't talk to me about the weather as there's nothing to say.  It's Florida. We have one bit of weather -- it's fucking hot. All of the time. Why subject me to this? Still, she just had to try.

Couldn't she just take my credit card and go away? THOUGHTLESS BITCH!

She glanced down at my shirt, looked at me and asked, "Who's Vincent Price?"

Aghast, I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Honey, there goes your tip!"

How do you not know who Vincent Price was? Regardless of your age?!? Horror fan or not?!? I felt my food slowly creeping up my windpipe. I needed to leave before I gave in to the urge to choke her to death with my shoelace.

I can never just have a good time. Why do I leave my house? People ruin everything.

Sigh.

1:11 PM - 20 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

The Creepy Shitacular
Current mood: giddy
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

There are things that happen in this world that I am convinced only happen to me. Journey with me back a couple of days ago ...

I live in a house which is connected to another house on one side. My old neighbor, who we'll refer to only as The Whore, moved out. So that means the folks who own the places we rent had to go in there and refurbish the digs for the next tenant.

I guess while working, the crew in The Whore's house decided to flush whatever they wanted to down the toilet. Being that our houses are connected, once the toilet gets clogged there, it gets clogged in my pad too. The only way to fix it is to snake the main drain outside in the front yard.

So I wake up the other day around 9:00am to find there's no water in my toilet bowl. This means the main drain is clogged. Joy. I trudge over to the office and tell them, "Listen, my toilet's clogged. Come fix it, I need to go to the bathroom". Mind you I had Asian the night before and was more than ready to go.

10:00am comes. Nothing.

11:00am comes. My stomach is starting to hurt.

11:30am ... my ass is all but screaming!

Finally around 11:45am I had no choice -- I had to let 'er rip! It was one of those shits ya know? The kind you read an entire magazine while dumping out.

I flushed and thankfully everything went down OK. But then it happened --

About 5 seconds after I flushed I heard someone screaming outside, "MOTHERFUCKER! WHAT THE FUCK?! SONOVABITCH! ". I froze. After creeping over to the blinds, I pulled one aside and saw a worker covered in my shit!

This fucker had it on his face, on his arms, on his shirt, you name it. He must have gotten blASSted!

Turns out while I was sending, he was snaking, and JACKPOT!

To make matters worse he was trying to wipe it off himself but only succeeding in smearing it further! All I could do was laugh. Dude, I couldn't even fucking breathe I was laughing so hard! Tears were coming out of my eyes! I didn't know what to do. Maybe go outside and offer him some toilet paper? Finally he stormed away completely disgusted and ranting. Imagine if his mouth was open? Holy Christ, the hilarity!

I'm thinking my shit followed him the whole day. It had to of gotten into his car and is probably still there. He had to shower so I'm pretty sure at least part of my brown biscuit laid lovingly in his tub, and imagine having to go to the doctor for a tetanus and having to explain what happened?

This is proof positive folks -- sometimes life is GOOD!

8:52 PM - 21 Comments - 31 Kudos - Add Comment

Horror Fans Unite: Unbury the Hatchet

I've heard it all before.

"I'm sick of remakes!" "Another lame sequel!?" "Great, another timid PG-13 shitfest."

Do you feel that way? Do you really feel that way? Then the time has come to do something about it.

7:59 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

The Legion of Michael Wants YOU!
Current mood: Evil!

"I met him fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil."

In 1978 John Carpenter began writing his own chapter of horror history when he unleashed The Shape onto audiences everywhere with his mega hit, Halloween. Thus began a reign of bloodshed that has lasted nearly three decades. Now, writer/director Rob Zombie is set to bring his own flavor of terror to the franchise, and he's looking for you to join him in the horror history books!

Rob Zombie, in association with Dread Central, Bloody Disgusting, Shock Till You Drop, Arrow in the Head, and The Halloween Mask Association, is pleased to announce:

11:35 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Burbank Weekend of Horrors!
Category: Travel and Places

California here we come!

Deb and I will be at the Fango Weekend of Horrors in Burbank in a few weeks.

To all of our Cali friends who kept asking ....

Lock up your kids! Hide your significant others! Say goodbye to your families!

In celebration of this momentous occassion, we pose this question ...

8:26 PM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

The Gospel According to Creepy!
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Religion and Philosophy

So recently I did an interview with a religious studies related webpage about horror films, their affect on society, religion, torture porn, and horror in relation to the Virginia Tech shooting.

Check it out RIGHT HERE!

Please be aware, these are only my opinions and I am speaking solely for myself.

Or if yer too lazy to clickify and want to read my unedited remarks ....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a dread-full life, but I love it!

Uncle Creepy was involved in co-founding the website Dread Central in 2006. In this interview he tells me about his love and passion for the horror genre, what his response is to people who accuse 'horror films' of having a negative effect on people's state of mind and morality, and also how he feels about working on the site in light of the Virginia campus shootings.

Steve: I know you are a busy man, so thanks for taking the time to talk to us... Could you tell us something about Dread Central, and your involvement with it?

Uncle Creepy: Dread Central is our baby. Well, I should say the baby of a core group of fans who love this genre as much as anything else in their lives. Johnny Butane and I have been at this whole web thing for about ten years now for various other entities. Now we have come together, along with our webmaster Jon Condit, to form a site that is absolutely our own. You could say that the lunatics are truly running the asylum! We're all about the fans and giving them something that they not only  relate to, but that they can call home.

Steve: How would you define a 'horror film'?

Uncle Creepy: Horror stories have been around since the dawn of time. Fear is one of our most primal instincts, so putting these tales to celluloid was just a natural progression. They usually give the viewer everything they want from a viewing experience. They are a roller coaster, and give you an experience that will manipulate your feelings, push you to the brink, yet keep you one hundred percent safe all at the same time.

Steve: Why do you have such a love and affection for the horror genre?

Uncle Creepy: Most people have their defining moments late in their lives. I had mine at three years old. I've always been a night owl. Well after I was put to bed and heard my parents snoring, that was my signal to head out into our living room and flip on the TV. One night I did so and was horrified to see a newscast stating that the dead were returning to life and attacking the living. Immediately I ran into my parent's bedroom to wake them up and tell them we needed to get to rescue stations ASAP! They thought I was dreaming, so I grabbed my mom by her hand and dragged her to the other room, with my dad bleary-eyed but in tow. I pointed to the TV and of course what was on was the George Romero classic Night of the Living Dead.

I also caught my first spanking that night! Yet as I lay there in bed, ass throbbing, I realized that even though I was terrified, everything was OK. That realization was a rush, and I've been pursuing that same feeling ever since.

Steve: Although the actions of Cho Seung-hui (in killing 33 people on a Virginia college campus last week) have been linked to mental health issues, there are always going to be people ready to point the finger at 'horror films', which they say encourage people to do things like this. How do you respond to such accusations?

Uncle Creepy: I think people need to stop pointing fingers and accept situations for what they are. Everyone nowadays seems perfectly content to place blame and look for reasons why such-and-such happened. There's no doubt that what happened in Virginia was tragic, but I grew up watching Loony Toons and never once thought it was OK to drop a safe on someone's head, nor did I ever want to mimic my favorite animated characters. Why? Because my parents actually parented me, and instilled within me a firm grip on what's right and what's wrong, and what's real and what's not.

If there are people out there who think emulation of actions they see on the screen are without consequence, then they are either:

• Attention-seeking whores looking to be the next big headline or
• Products of a failed family life void of structure, parenting, and communication or
• Just plain fuckin' nuts!

Influence starts at home, with parents who care.

Steve: Did you ever catch yourself thinking about whether you could continue to be excited about promoting movies that deal with murder, death etc., in light of what occurred in Virginia, and why?

Uncle Creepy: Not at all - Apples and oranges! Almost every film deals with these subjects in one way or another, including family classics like The Wizard of Oz. Why is dropping a house on a witch socially acceptable? Didn't she have feelings too? That entire line of questioning is ludicrous. Why just pick on horror movies? Films - whether they be romance, comedy, drama, or horror - are just another form of escapism. They take us away from the horrors of real life, that are far worse than anything a genre writer or director could produce.

Steve: Do you believe there is any evidence to support an argument that 'horror films' devalue the sanctity of life?

Uncle Creepy: People who believe this really need to get out of the house more! What qualifies them or anyone else to be judge and jury of what's obscene? Our society needs to rid itself of this sheep mentality, and let people decide for themselves.

If you don't like horror for whatever reason, then don't watch it. That's fine, but that doesn't then give you the right to force your opinions and beliefs on anyone else.

Steve: Do you believe the accusation that 'horror films' devalue the sanctity of life is a justified one (i.e. is the link really there)?

Uncle Creepy: Plain and simple – No! It's bullshit!

Steve: Films such as Hostel and Saw, have been described as 'torture porn'. Can you explain what this means?

Uncle Creepy: With every generation there is slang that goes along with it. Saying something is 'porn' just means its subject matter has been taken to an extreme degree. For instance, magazines put out by the NRA could be considered gun porn. Since we're talking about torture porn, what about The Passion of the Christ?

Steve: Do you think the mainstream success of films such as Hostel and the Saw franchise, are evidence that standards in morality have declined in recent years? For instance, The Exorcist was banned in the UK for many years, but might be said to be far-less gory and horrific than say watching someone having their eye blow-torched out (in Hostel)?

Uncle Creepy: What about the mainstream success of films like Saving Private Ryan, which incidentally contains more death based on real life occurrences than any fictional horror flick out there? I find that kind of depiction much more horrifying! And where do you get your information from to make such a generalized blanket statement about The Exorcist not being horrific? That's just one point of view. Is the entire world in agreement that the eye scene in Hostel is worse than a 14-year-old girl masturbating with a cross, and then rubbing her mother's face in her bleeding bared crotch? Did I miss that meeting? Oh, my aching morals!

Steve: Would you be happy for any of your children/relatives to be actors in films such as Hostel, knowing they would be starring in 'torture porn'?

Uncle Creepy: I'd be happy for anyone who gets the opportunity to make a living, doing something that they love. Would you not be happy for Jim Caviezel after he made so much money with The Passion of the Christ? Don't think for a second that it is exempt from the term 'torture porn' just because it has religious overtones.

The Passion of the Christ is far more violent than either Hostel or Saw. Again, why is that one OK?

Steve: What is your opinion of 'Christian horror' (i.e. Thr3e)?

Uncle Creepy: You mean Christians need even more of a reason to get spooked? Personally, Christianity scares the hell out of me. According to extremist Christians, if I don't live up to the standards of 'the great wizard in the sky' who controls the lightning, I am going to be damned for all eternity in agonizing pits of fire and brimstone. And what happens if I meet those standards? One day I'm just gonna go poof into thin air via the Rapture. Joy! Religion in general has become so twisted and personalized by individuals, that the true message of God being about love has all but been completely lost. Me? I'm agnostic. I'm not buying into anyone's view but my own. I believe there's something else, but I refuse to let anyone influence me or show me their light.

Want to talk about Christian horror? How about we start with our President who has sacrificed thousands of lives for oil while quoting the Bible?

Steve: Do you believe people in the 'horror-film industry' are psychologically/emotionally/morally affected by what they do in a negative or positive way (or neither)?

Uncle Creepy: Totally positive. Why? Because we're involved with something that we love. It's just a job, man. It's no different from any other facet of the entertainment industry.

Steve: What purpose do 'horror films' serve in today's society?

Uncle Creepy: To entertain, just like any other genre. To take us on a ride for a little while and make us forget the rest of our troubles.

At least in most horror films good usually prevails over evil, or at least balances out. I wish we could say the same for our society as a whole.

Steve: What for you defines a good 'horror film'?

Uncle Creepy: The real question here is, what defines a good film? It's all about the individual. I could get technical and discuss sound design, atmosphere, good acting of course, lighting, etc., but basically - as I said earlier - I just want to take the world's scariest roller coaster ride, filled with pants-wetting thrills and ear-shattering screams.

4:20 PM - 35 Comments - 49 Kudos - Add Comment