This one is for all my bitches...

I know you want something more than the usual (and retarded) "I'm not dead" line, so here we go.

I'm alive!!!!  But barely breathing.  Work is such a tremendous bore in Humble; there are way too many rednecks.  If not them than I am dealing with prissy Kingwood kids.  The money is decent, but nowhere near Greenspoint standards.  Plus there is so much drama I like to sit back with some Jiffy Pop and watch all the chaos unleash.

Getting in touch with me is difficult, b/c I share a phone with Tiara, and I am not about to give all that info over the sex predator filled internet.  But chances are you can contact me within four people.  It'll be like a challenge!  Winner gets a date with Jose.

Living with Tiara is fantabulous.  We like to spend our days cooking elaborate meals together while sipping wine...then I make her piss the wine into my mouth.

Ahhh, classic Jose...

But I pretty much am living the same life of smoking and drinking and working just about every day and night.

Well, I guess I'll stop boring you with high banter and get back to getting high.

Loves and kisses

3:42 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Are you monkey-effin' serious?!?!

guess what?  still not dead. i just don't have a computer.

5:04 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Nipples

I am not dead.

But I am drunk.

So have no fear- posts soon.

10:05 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Holy shit am I actually alive?!?!

I am.  Do not worry, dear friends.  At some point in time I do plan on updating with shit to make you pee your pants.  Right now I am going through a bit of a hiatus.  If you want to comment, call me or speak to me directly.  I may not be around via internet, but I am certainly around via alcohol..

832.877.9723

this is where you can reach me anytime.

6:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

This was funny enough (for me at least) to put as a blog
Current mood: high

So I read this lame-assed bulletin and was bored and decided to play around with it.  Ladies- don't get offended, it's all a joke.  And gentlemen, don't get offended, because if you do, you're gay.

It's called- Jose says

We don't care if you talk to other guys.
Jose says- as long as you suck MY dick by the end of the night

We don't care if you're friends with other guys.
Jose says- as long as you suck MY dick more than theirs

But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off
Jose says- because it means you think his dick is bigger

It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.
Jose says- because then it means you KNOW his dick is bigger

We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned. Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till the morning.
Jose says- that just means he wants to give you a Salty Pirate (it's where he cums in her eye so she squints, then punch her in the shin so she hobbles around, hence then name)

Also, when we tell you you're pretty/ beautiful/ gorgeous/ cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.
Jose says- because we want to see your vagina

Don't tell us we're wrong.
Jose says- because sometimes we are; we (as men) have figured out that if we tell you you're "beautiful", our chances of hittin' it skyrocket!

We'll stop trying to convince you.
Jose says- because that's how lazy and uncaring we are, but you still let us into your honey pot

The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.
Jose says- I have never heard anyone refer to a cooter as "confidence"

Yeah, you can quote me.
Jose says- g'head, it's effin' hilarious

Don't be mad when we hold the door open.
Take Advantage of the mood I'm in.
Jose says- "chivalry" is a fancy word for "horny"

LET US PAY FOR YOU!
Jose says- we have to do it for the hookers anyways

DON'T "FEEL BAD"
Jose says- because then we have to pretend to make you feel better, and that's just more work to get to doin' it

We enjoy doing it.
Jose says- yeah

It's expected.
Jose says- it'd better be

Smile and say "thank you."
Jose says- especially after we give you a Chili Dog (it's where he takes a Cleavland Steamer (it's where he craps on her chest) then-to be scientific-fornicate with her breasts)

Kiss us when no one's watching.
Jose says- if no one's watching you might as well give me head

If you kiss us when you know nobody's looking we'll be more impressed.
Jose says- because you will (hopefully) swallow

You don't have to get dressed up for us.
Jose says- unless you are wearing a Catholic school girl uniform, with the pigtails, but no underwear, and maybe a lollipop...oh, and a paddle in your hand would be nice

If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.
Jose says- but the skirt does help

We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
Jose says- i'm sorry, i just can't stop laughing right now
seriously, who wrote this?  'twasn't a dude, 'twas a vag

honestly, I think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's. or my T-shirt and boxers, not all dolled up
Jose says- honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful with my cock in her mouth- can i get a high five!

Don't take everything we say seriously.
Jose says- it's all for poon

Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it.
Jose says- no really, I respect a woman for her strength, intellect, confidence, and good heart.  I would give up sex for true love in a kitten's heartbeat

Don't get angry easily.
Jose says- because then that makes you crazy; and when we think you're crazy, we joke about it with our friends

Stop using magazines/media as your bible.
Jose says- and start using your bible as a really good supply of rolling papers

Don't talk about how hott Morris Chesnutt, Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is in front of us.
Jose says- because they are gay.  Jesse McCartney?!?!  Seriously, I swear some faggo wrote this

It's boring, and we don't care.
You have girlfriends for that.
Jose says- and if you have hot girlfriends, we should totally tri-bang

Whatever happened to the word "handsome"/"beautiful"
Jose says- "Whatever happened to predictability?  The milkman, the paper boy, and evening tv?"
If you finish the lyric you get a prize!
Hint- The Olsen Twins

I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with "Hey
handsome!" instead of "Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy" or whatever else you can think of.
Jose says- where can I meet these girls who greet with, "Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy"?  Because all I get is either, "Hey asshole" or "Hey creepy"

on the other hand I'm not sayin I wouldn't like it ether ; )
Jose says- I'm also not saying I wouldn't like to give you a Gorilla Mask (it's where he cums on her face, then rips out some of her pubes and sticks them on her face, using the cum as glue) ;)

Girls, I cannot stress this enough:
IF YOU AREN'T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A GUY, DON'T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE. DITCH HIS SORRY, DISCRACE-TO-THE-MALE-POPULATION ASS, AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH UTTER RESPECT
Jose says- heh heh, they said "utter"

Someone who will honor your morals.
Jose says- as in someone who disregards this whole wait-until-marriage thing

Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest.
Jose says- as in when you are giving me head, and you're smiling because my penis tastes like sweet, sweet candy

Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.
Jose says- like when you spit instead of swallow, but your recital on the skin flute was, as the French say, "Magnifique!"

Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.
Jose says- yeah right, you piss me off hard enough I'm outtie

Someone who will stop what they are doing just to look you in the
eyes....and say "I love you" ...
Jose says- as I cum in your ass

....AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT!
Jose says- because you like it

Give the nice guys a chance
Jose says- I promise I won't give you a Strawberry Shortcake (it's where he cums on her face, then punches her in the nose and swirls around the creamy mixture, prefeably with his one-eyed snake).
Well, not on the first date at least.
Zing!

**************************************************
Guys repost this if you agree and if ur not a jerk
Jose says- I never killed someone.  I guess that makes me un-jerky-like

Girls repost this if you think it's cute
Jose says- "cute"?  What the fuck?

Every Guy who isn't a jerk will agree with this, so we hope that all the girls that read this will repost this
Jose says- please repost with some nudie pics.

11:38 PM - 12 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

Glamorous Work Ethic
Current mood: high

My first job was a bagboy at Kroger.  Boy, did I get the chicks there!  Being 15, not one honey could resist my piercing stare and mysterious questions.  "Would you like paper?  Or perhaps plastic today, cutie?  How about a salad tossing?" 

But seriously, I was nearly molested by this slutty fat chick who had a kid.  Gross!

When I quit, I was pissed off because I was the only sacker on a Sunday morning, and we were busier than the looting after Katrina.  I quickly became fed up (as any teen would) and went to the back.  You know that mysterious place behind the doors with the sign that says Employees Only?

Hookers, poker, and beer- that's what's behind those doors.

And a phone.  A phone that connects to the intercom.  I used that intercom to quit!

I said, "Attention, Kroger shoppers.  I, Jose, would like to announce that I quit my job today at Kroger.  I am walking out now.  Have a good afternoon, and thank you for shopping with us today."  I then walked out of the market, and I still clocked out before I left.  Now that's integrity!

Then I worked at Subway.  I was (and still am) a sandwich artist.  Sometimes, I'm even an artiste.  We used to mix the tuna with our bare hands.  Yummy!

This very fine example of what a black man should be (Jamarcus) once slept with a girl.  Most likely a very fine example of a Nubian queen.  I knew they had relations (mad porch jungle love) because he had her underwear with him.  His placed his trophy on a pedastal, i.e. the bread box, for all the viewing/eating public.  Our bread smelled like chicken grease and steamed oysters all night!

When I quit, since I had a key to the store, I spent a very special evening with the key, some scrambled 80's porn, fruit-by-the-foot, and a vivid imagination...

What're you thinking, sicko?  I didn't make love to the key or shove it in my ass.  Seriously, I may be sick, but I'm not a sick fuck.

What I did do was masturbate and ejaculate all over the key.  Then I left the key (I named her Cheryl) to wade in the pool of spermies, and she eventually dried overnight.  I made certain to press Cheryl into my manager's palm really hard.  My nobility is best defined by my impecable skills to create a sandwich masterpiece, and aim my man-batter onto small targets. 

3:45 PM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Help me find my wife
Current mood: high

So yesterday I went over to a friend's house.  He then introduced me to the woman I want to marry.

He has a bunch of porn downloaded on the computer, and wanted to show me "the most disgusting thing he's ever seen".

There were two girls, one guy.  One of the girls (the angel from heaven) was taking it up the ass while the other girl was tossing the guys' salad.  The guy came inside the girl's ass.  Then the salad tosser took a straw, and started to suck the jizz out of this girl's asshole.  At one point she had to squeeze it out, creating a wet and splattery fart, while the girl still sucked through the straw.

It gets better.  She sucked a bunch of splooge out and spit it on the table.  The girl whose ass was holding all this sperm, she then took a credit card and made the duck butter into lines.

My future bride then snorted two lines of man gravy.

Then, snot rockets the shit onto the camra, and licks it up again! 

Isn't that hot!!

1:23 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I will take the poo poo platter
Current mood: high

So I just got back from working out, for the first time in a fucking while.  Unfortunately the gym at my kick ass apts. is shitty, so all I had was a bike, a treadmill, and some shit with ribbons and weights that I could not figure out.

Fortunately there was this hot Asian girl also working out.

Unfortunately I did not know how to starte the fucking treadmill, and made an assface out of myself trying to use it.

Fortunately I was able to get the hang of the bike-thingy (ironically I do not know how to ride a normal bike) and the hottie moved next to me on the other, slightly different bike...mechanism...machine...doo-hickey.

Unfortunately I kept fucking up some more and looking like a top shelf idiot.  But it did make her laugh, and there was menial chit chat.

Fortunately I kept getting to take glances at her kick ass kung fu legs, which motivated me to half-mast (nudge nudge wink wink).

Unfortunately she left (but said goodbye!) so I moved back to the treadmill and started (successfully) jogging.

Fortunately, I happened to look out the window and the sexy geisha was in the pool, in a very tiny swimsuit, reading a book.

Unfortunately this caused my concentration to immediately seperate away from the treadmill, and I fell.

Working out is kind of cool.

4:07 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

This seems fun

Here's the game of "You Have Been Tagged" as it was passed on to me:

The first player of this game starts with the "6 weird/things/habits about yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog of their 6 weird habits/things, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read yours.

1.  I like to write, but specifically, one time I wrote a twenty line poem and put each line on a cigarette, so the whole pack had writing on each one.

2.  I have never been to Hooters.

3.  I once made a promise to myself (when I was younger) that I would read every Animorphs in the series, even if it went on until I was old.  I never lived it out.

4.  I know how to make a girl squirt.

5.  I have never been to the hospital for myself, and I was in an eight car pile up where I went unconcious and vomited all over myself, still declining the hospital.

6.  I really do think I am turning into an alcoholic.

I tag- Josh, Olivia, Joey, Jessica, Jason, and Meredith

11:45 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I think there is a crawfish claw in my stool
Current mood: Hungover

Who wants to hear about my debaucheries?  You do!!  I have never been so drunk as I was this entire weekend.

So the other nite I was so psyched about picking up some chicks that I went to some bar (with my cooter hunting outfit) to get some chicks.  Knee deep in chicks.  Chicks galore.

I walk into this bar, and there was so much sausage the Germans would've been proud.  I had to give three handjobs just to see a chick.

So...four shots of Jager (one was a triple), a shot of Wild Turkey, four shots of Bacardi (back to back), a Flaming Dr. Pepper, and numerous beers later, I was hitting on the ugliest waitress, being annoying as fuck, rambunctious as fuck, obnoxious as fuck...I was just plain sloshed.

You know how I know I'm gay?  Because I use humor to hide my depression.

I worked all day the next day, still drunk and dry-heaving.  I came home and got drunk (again).

The day after that we hit up a crawfish boil.  I fucking love crawfish.  And I was still looking for chicks.  There were plenty, but they all had kids.  And they were rednecks.  I had my sights set on the infant (you know how I like 'em young).

In all honesty I have never felt so uncomfortable being around all those hicks.  And you guys know me- I'm usually the one making others uncomfortable.  We played Beer Pong and did keg stands and beer bongs.  Then it was back to my place for a shitload of shots. 

I spent the better half of the nite puking my asshole out in the bathroom.

I spent the better half of the nite using the term "nigger cunt."

I spent the better half of the nite contemplating the logic of being able to get laid just for having a white truck.

I will never understand white people.

10:49 AM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment