Dribblesby
Current mood: amused
Category: Romance and Relationships

"Lord Dribblesby, wouldst thou like some oatmeal?"

"I so wouldst like to taste its hearty goodness.  But m'lady, you know my lower teef no longer resideth where my god hath intended.  A stain it wouldst maketh on my tunic made by you, my dearest.  So no oatmeal shall I enjoyeth."

"Lord Dribblesby, may I pour you some wine, the grapes of which I crushed 'twixt my  thighs wide as a redwood?"

"I so wouldst love to sip so glorious a tonic, knowing the grapes spit forth their wonderous nectar 'twixt your thighs.  But lips I haveth not, because thy lapdog had a seizing fit.  So no wine shall I imbibe."

"Lord Dribblesby, wouldst thou dive face first into my flaxen pubes until I quiver with the greatest pleasure known to humankind?"

"I so wouldst love to work my face through your lovely womanhood, with hair so bountiful that one could knitteth a Cossack's sweater.  To revel in your pungent spume and tasteth your womanly dew would fill me with great delight.  But, alas, my tongue hath been removethed by a jealous apothecary.  So no pleasure can I giveth you."

TO BE CONTINUED...

9:29 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

young men hit hard by dangerous pneumonia
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Life

FROM THE NEW VELMWEND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE, JULY 22, 2007:

Bronchopneumonia has often been called the "Old Man's Friend" because of its propensity for bringing a relatively painless demise to the old and infirm, but a new strain of pneumonia is fast becoming a common misery for young men.

Penile pneumonia, relatively unheard of as recently as 2000, has reached nearly epidemic proportions, affecting as many as one in 1,000 males each year.  Symptoms include:

          --fever

          --chills

          --shortness of spooge

          --yellow-green semen (ejaculatum purulentica)

          --post-ejaculatory netherwheeze

Symptoms typically last one to two months.  While a new transurethral expectorant currently awaits FDA approval, there is at present no known treatment.

3:02 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Rocky the pussy.
Current mood: exanimate
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

If I had a dime for everytime someone asked me, "Say, wasn't that you with your finger in Sylvester Stallone's mouth and your tongue in a bowling ball?" I'd be a rich man.  Never happened. 

Actually, what happened was, I was eating some cheddar fries at Spare Me and Strike My Wife, and who should walk in but Sly himself!  Now, I hate Sylvester Stallone, but I minded my own business.  So the asshole comes over to me and grabs a handful of my fries and shoves them in his mouth. 

This pisses me off something terrible, so I go up to him and say, "hey, cro-mag, can't you afford your own cheddar fries?"  He laughed at me and grabbed one more fry.  Then he licks the cheddar stuff off and sticks the thing up his nose!  Most times, I'd shrug it off.  But I wasn't gonna let some monkey make a jackass out of me, not on this night.  So I grab the fry, and...well, the next thing I know, I'm coming to with my mouth dripping blood and two teeth in the thumb-hole of a bowling ball. 

End of story.  It wasn't Sylvester Stallone's mouth.  It wasn't my tongue.  So fuck all y'all.

8:16 AM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

locusts
Current mood: peckish
Category: peckish Pets and Animals

From January, 2007's Entomologic Gourmet

QUESTION:  Which locusts are best to eat?    Jason B'pep, Schenectady, NY

ANSWER:  Use the same criteria as you would for pussy; the quiet ones are best.

9:32 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Saddam's Execution--The Director's Cut
Current mood: mellow
Category: News and Politics

REPRINTED FROM VELMWEND WIRE SERVICES

Nazir Siddiqi al-Feldman, who recorded Saddam Hussein's hanging on a cellular phone, has announced that he is currently editing extensive footage of the hanging and related activities.  He plans to have the package ready for release by Memorial Day.

al-Feldman says that he had also recorded, and plans to release, video of  Hussein's last meal (Chicken McNuggets), last bath (October 13, 2006), and last connubial experience (partner's name unknown but she looked somewhat like Evan Rachel Wood.)  The release will also include the only known complete recording of Hussein's final words, wherein he urges all Iraqi citizens to use sunscreen.  While he also has photos of the pan placed under Hussein's feet to catch the post-hanging "drippings," al-Feldman is uncertain whether he will include that footage.

Given the spate of fatalities resulting from imitative hangings, some are concerned that this release will cause more of the same.  al-Feldman is unconcerned, however.  "Kids who die by copying a hanging wouldn't have become Nobel Prize winners, or even competent baristas," he said.

7:47 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Jehovah mugged; police seek witnesses
Current mood: savage
Category: Writing and Poetry

A clear spring morning.  Sun's playing tricks with the bubbles in my glass-makes them look bigger than they are, or maybe I just believe they are smaller than their actual size.  It's probably the former because I'm always right. 

I'm sitting on a wooden chair that sits on the red grass.  A psychic redhead sits at my feet because she thinks it'll pay off in the long run.  And she'd be right if she were someone else-- anyone else.  But I've already tired of her subservience and want the subservience of someone a bit less interested in the payoff and a bit more concerned with the long run.  I'm thinking of maybe the crafts lady in Seacrest.  She has passion for what she does.  And better, she has no interest in what I do.  Or perhaps Rejeanne at the soup kitchen, though I wonder if her selflessness is somehow self-serving.

I sit back and close my eyes, and I'm rudely reminded that the chair's left rear leg is shorter than the others.  Down I go.  Onto the red grass, hard, yet not hard enough to spill the contents of my glass.  But the bubbles make a frenzied dash for the surface, so that experience is ruined. 

I remember the man who made my chair.  I wasn't really looking for a chair, but it looked--not comfortable really--like a "watching" chair.  Like I could look at the forest or the farms or nothing at all.  I asked him if it were for sale, and he told me no, not to me anyway.  It was imperfect, unbalanced, and he would be humiliated if others were to see me using it.  I assured him his fears were unfounded, and he told me that, while he would not sell it, he would be honored to give it to me.  I accepted.

As I get up from the grass, I understand that I must see him.  Now.  Because he could be of great use to us as long as he did not feel great embarrassment about my mishap.  So me and the psychic redhead begin our walk to the furniture maker's studio.  And sometime later I wake up on the grass with a fierce headache.  Redhead still out cold.  I rouse her to see if she remembers what happened, but she also remembers nothing.

We attempt to walk back but have little to compass our journey.  The red grass stretches out in all directions, and hours of walking find us nowhere.  Night falls, and we stretch out to sleep.  No rain, no wind, no dreams.  I awake with the sun a bit too warm on my face.  The redhead is nowhere in sight--and this, I realize, tells me that I am now home. 

9:31 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Statement from CEO Claude Avec-Poulet
Current mood: fat, horny, and strung-out
Category: fat, horny, and strung-out Jobs, Work, Careers

Excerpts from Noxiosa CEO Claude Avec-Poulet's statement to the media, December 29, 2006.

"There has been much scrutiny of certain Noxiosa transactions during the last two quarters of this year, and as Chief Execucutive Officer, I must bear the burden of explaining the rationale of these transactions.  I must also take the blame for the failure of Noxiosa to perform better financially.

"The decision to infuse an additional $800 million into our pan-Asian instant rice exportation project was based on the projected failure of Asian rice crops resulting from RRS, or Rice Retroviral Syndrome, as predicted by Noxiosa's Starch Epidemiology Department.  They obviously fucked up, but I take the blame for not firing these individuals after it came to my attention that they were Protestants...

"Our hiring of twenty-five Indochine Stick Interpreters was based on painstaking research that revealed that such interpretation could save us tens of millions of dollars annually by determining which of our employees really needed health insurance benefits and which probably would remain healthy throughout the year.  Such savings would more than pay for the budgeted annual $8 million in salaries for the interpreters, and the downsizing of our accountancy department from seventy-five to three employees freed up further funds from which to pay the salaries...

"As CEO, I am ultimately responsible for the direction taken by Noxiosa in the future.  While I stand by the decisions made by our Board as being in the best interests of Noxiosa and our investors...I feel that Noxiosa would benefit from new leadership.  I therefore tender my resignation as Noxiosa's Chief Executive Officer, effective July 1, 2011.  In the interim, I shall endeavor to ease the transition of the change of leadership and will continue to work as hard as ever to keep Noxiosa at the forefront of international starch exploration and investment."

9:43 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Lincoln slept here.
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Blogging

I, Lincoln Vigoda Nussbaum, have slept here.  I've slept everywhere, all over the world.  From the maternity ward at Southern Memorial to Westchester Memorial Cemetary.

I've always been fond of sleeping.  When I was maybe ten years old, my family stayed overnight at the Holiday Inn in Charleston, West Virginia after my nephew's bris, and I found my life's passion.  I wanted to miss the most wonderful sights all over the world, blanketed in sweet slumber.

I remember waking up after Kennedy was shot; what an incredible nap!  I was so refreshed and ready to take on the world.  I remember falling asleep on Jill Blitstein's futon before we were to make love.  What pillows she had!  And the exhileration of passing out behind the wheel of a 1967 Ferrari 365 GT 2+2 simply cannot be put into words.  I've drooled on pillows the world over.  I've given, and received, Dutch ovens while nestled between the finest of Egyptian linens.  I've diuresed fine silk sheets absolutely soggy.  I've really done it all!

As you can tell, I've done a lot of sleeping in my time, and I plan on sleeping through history-making events until I begin my slumber eternal.

7:59 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Turtle Wax
Current mood: creative
Category: Life

Please welcome Henri Carnauba to Salon du Vongole.  Henri brings ten years' waxing experience to Vongole, specializing in Sauropsida Testudines bikini patterns.  From the Speckled Padloper design (leaving small, irregular tufts) to the spectacular Leatherback (full wax plus radiation implants), Henri can meet all your bikini needs.

Come see Henri at:

Salon du Vongole

382 W. Blankham

Beautiful Downtown Velmwend

8:05 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Scheherazade, 90210
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry

The Aromatherapist Who Smelled Like a Trucker

The Hairdresser's Moustache

I'm Sooooo Hungry, But I Couldn't Eat Another Bite

Collagenocide on Rodeo Drive

The Goose That Laid the Golden Brooch

That Margo is Such a Slut!

The Au Pair's Lalique Dildo

Cinderella and the Glass Bustier

The Spanglish Patient

The World-Weary Chiropodist

The Princess and the Pomegranate

Olga's Sweet Sixteen Bikini Wax

Stubble Without a Cause

The Macrobiotic Horseman of the Apocalypse

The Heiress Who Went Into WalMart and Never Came Out

Kelp Dreams

Bulemic Bree and Aladdin's Enema

Jocaste's 15-Items-or-Less Dilemma

The Psychic Who Fell in Love With a Palmist

and 982 other inspirational stories.

10:36 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment