The Hulk is in the On Deck Circle
Category: Sports
Written for a media magazine that needed a rant against new ballparks
The modern stadium has turned live games into a complete sensory assault- it's like being at a mall during Christmas. Miniature blimps now fly overhead, dumping coupons on to fans; hot dogs are shot out of a gun; and the official's sponsor's "Fan-o-rometer" explodes louder than a train crash after each strike. It's a near Normandy Invasion of marketers, with no calming moments.
The ads and gimmicks are so intrusive, it's as if baseball thinks the sport itself is too boring to engage fans. In their view: no one wants to watch two small market pitchers out-duel each other, so let's just build a water park to keep the fans engaged. These places even look like amusement parks as you drive closer, with rides and giant Coke bottles being the first thing you see over the horizon. Immediately, your kids –as though you are going to Disney World– start nagging about which rides they want try first. Every section is named after a different sponsor and you half expect to reach your seats through a tour boat, like a roofless Epcot Center. The whole game is spent in line, with your kid tugging at your shirt, like you are waiting to see Santa Clause rather than get a crack at the Pontiac Pitch Speed Machine.
There is no regard for the history of the game. Larry Doby broke the AL color barrier and gets a small plaque. Pepsi gets a three story statue. Last year, baseball wanted to put Spider Man ads on the bases. What's next: actually dressing each player in full costume? Dereck Jeter, dressed as The Hulk, faces off against Randy Johnson, who's wearing an Indiana Jones costume despite being seven feet tall?
"Who won the game?"
"I have no idea, but Batman is coming out in two weeks and every one in the bleachers gets free, Starbucks coffee tomorrow."
5 Reasons why Non-hockey Fans should Start Watching the NHL Playoffs
Category: Sports
Written for the Atlanta Constitution's Gimme 5 Segement.
Nightly Action. Unlike the NBA playoffs, the NHL does not have the luxury to space out their schedule for plush weekend ratings. These guys play every night, with virtually no time off for traveling. A playoff hockey team is basically told to get in a van and make it to Boston by 4 PM tomorrow. Consequently, there is a full slate of great games each night as the NHL moves these teams around like unsigned bands.
Retro TV Production. If you have yet to enter the world of high definition TV, than hockey playoffs are your new favorite sport. Games are broadcasted on "VS.", a startup network that can barely afford decent suits for their announcers, let alone HD transmitors. By the end of a hockey series, you'll be convinced that your TV has another ten years in it. Half the game look like they were filmed by a parent's personal camcorder, with jittery camera motions and a constant struggle to locate the puck. The announcers are even more unpolished. The studio panel for a hockey game looks like a lineup from a loanshark trial, with every one dressed in black suits, finger jewelry and slicked-back mullets.
Join a Secret Club. Embracing hockey is like becoming a free mason- you speak in riddles and always meet at secret locations. Because hockey terms are so regional and unfamiliar, fans are able to speak to each other in pure code ("Deke-ing", "Meat Wagons", "The Five Hole"). Most NHL cities have more people who speak Apache than understand hockey lingo. Plus, virtually no one can give you directions to a hockey game since the team --if it is even known by residents-- is never using the city's primary arena.
Hang Out with Star Players. Unlike the prima donnas in other sports, hockey stars have no idea how to spend their millions. They are mainly foreigners who don't know their way around town and are barely old enough to buy beer. Thus they can often be found at the same bars you and I attend. Plus, hockey players get drunk! College drunk! You will never run into a starting wide receiver drinking $1 High Lifes, but there is a decent chance you can meet a NHL goalie- and he is NOT going to end the night early, no matter what time the game starts tomorrow.
Create Your Own Rules. Since the NHL is in dire need of fan support, it truly is your league. If a play upsets fans, hockey will change the rule book that night to solve the problem. You want shoot outs? Done. Didn't like how that player distracted the goalie? It will never happen again. Complaining about hockey is like asking for a manager at Sears- they will do what ever it takes to keep you happy. On top of rule changes, most hockey fans will even listen to your ideas on how to "go undefeated", like using a Sumo Wrestler for the goalie, or hiding the puck up a player's shirt. In fact, you can write a letter with completely hair-brained ideas for hockey and probably get a response from the Commissioner within a week.
ESPN’s Director of Scouting is a Straight Junkie
Category: Sports
If I worked for a "director" who talked like this, I would assume he's about to make us millions in a shady, junk bond deal, only too loose it all in two weeks when he's caught buying cocaine off his nanny's boy friend:
I'm pretty sure ESPN is starting to make me laugh harder than "Cheaters"... ...I would love to see this ESPN guy (Jermey Green) in a winner-take-all putty sales contest with informercial legend Billy Mays:
(thanks to VLR contributor, Brian McGannon for the ESPN link)
VLR was asked to contribute to an article in the Philadelphia Enquirer about how the city should go about choosing a mascot for their new soccer team. The full article can be read here. Our contribution follows:
Naming a sports franchise is a lot like choosing a tattoo or wallpaper: you're always worried what it will look like in 50 years. Consequently, most teams go for the safest bet- some animal that's known for commonly attacking humans, e.g. The Detroit Lions or LSU Tigers. Its like choosing "Fred" for your son's name- sure, its some what boring, but he never needs to worry about his name being made fun of on the playground.
When choosing an animal mascot, however, you must avoid the two common mistakes of being too vague (Nashville Predators) or too specific (TCU Horned Lizard). On any given week, Nashville could send everything from a bird, to bear, to virus out on to the field. On the opposite end, there is nothing worse than hearing an egg-head sports fan defend an overly-technical mascot with explanations like, "actually, wasps kill more humans in a year than bears".
Having fans choose the nickname is always fun for the city but often leads to excessively local mascots, like The Baltimore Ravens. For example, this new team might as well be called The Italian Stallions since it will never take the field without "Rocky" music being played. The problem with local nicknames, however, is they simply baffle people once the team moves (e.g. The LA Lakers or Utah Jazz). Additionally, the public tends to favor nicknames that are a little *too intimidating*, like The Hurricanes or the Bullets. As a general rule, you never want to go past the 'beast of prey' or 'pirate' section on the scale of intimidating mascots. Anything involving Mother Nature (The Landslides) is a PR disaster waiting to happen.
In Order to be called the Greatest, the Patriots must lose the Super Bowl!
Category: Sports
The New England Patriots are one victory away from finishing the first perfect season since the 1972 Miami Dolphins. A feat that should be easily accomplished as they are two touchdown favorites versus the over achieving New York Giants. This years Patriot team is easily one of the best teams of all time, but in order to prove true greatness, their only option is to lose the Super Bowl.
If they win yet another forgettable game againt an inferior opponent, sure all the meatdopes at ESPN will laud their achievments of going 19-0 and tying the even more worthless '72 Dolphin team, but it wouldn't be spectacular. Winning every game in the season, then flat out choking in the Super Bowl for their only defeat would truely take the talent of greatness and etch a chapter in immortality. Noone would question that the Patriots are a better team than the Giants, even if they lose. The only team the Giants would be considered better than is the '72 Dolphins, along with every single NFL team in the league for the last 20 seasons. More importantly, noone will remember in five years that the 10-6 Giants actually won the Super Bowl or even consider it real. Who even acknowledges the '00 Ravens or the Brad Johnson led Tampa Bay Bucs as actual champions that even occured? However, everyone will always remember that the Patriots lost.
It will be a great oppotunity for these Patriots to begin their PR campaign in making them a more likeable champion. Currently, they are extremely unlikable and even worse dull. Never a quote or a coke bust, just dull workman-like victories. At least Ray Lewis lied about a murder his buddy did to spice up his boring Trent Dilfer led team. The Patriots already had a dynasty by winning 3 out of 5 Super Bowls. Why add on to that, when they can start an entire new legacy of going 18-1 year after year, it can be their thing. The lovable Buffalo Bills of the early 90s would dominate the AFC every season. Then, we would get 2 weeks of the nauseating Jim Kelly convincing Chris Berman and Tim Russert that they are a great team, only to get slaughtered in the Super Bowl by whoevers turn it was in the NFC. It was a good hook, and somehow we never tired of it, we even put up with present day Kelly interviews telling us what a great achievment they did by making 4 consecutive Super Bowls the worlds biggest joke. Actually I agree with him, but not for reasons hes aware of.
Now, the Patriots are so good that there is no reason that the cant go 18-1 in four of the next 5 seasons (sprinkle in a 6-10 year for good measure). Flat out refuse to win the worst game of the season, the Super Bowl, even attempt to tie one. I know there is no post-season ties in football, but they can try in their legacy of refusal. Dominate all of the overtimes but never score, just work the field position war until the other team and TV networks are forced to call an exhausted draw.
The Patriots must lose this Super Bowl for Nick Buoniconti's son, because he wont. They must lose to save Mercury Morris' life for he will surely be back to being kicked out of Shula's Steak houses for buying coke off of the busboy. They must lose for us to like them. They must lose to be the greatest.
As a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan living in Chicago, the Bears win over the Saints has resulted in my worst nightmare – a Chicago Bears Super Bowl. I arrived at work today horrified by everyone's giddy mood and Bears apparel. I work in a "casual attire" office, but is it really necessary to wear a Bears hat, newly purchased NFC Champions t-shirt, AND Bears sweatpants to work? This ISa place of business, after all.
Chicago fans cannot despise me completely – If this were a Bears/Patriots Super Bowl, I would be rooting for the Bears. The Patriots have won 3 out of the last 5 Super Bowls…who could possibly root for such a team? Can you say, BORING? It is my belief that after a team wins the Super Bowl, they should be exempt from participating in the event for the next 10 years. I don't care how hot Tom Brady is - ENOUGH.
I would like to see Peyton Manning win a Super Bowl. He seems like an intelligent young man, and a fine quarterback at that. It does bother me that he always looks like he is going to start crying, but I do enjoy his humorous commercials – where he wears the mustache and such. So there must be a sense of humor in there somewhere. I would also like to see him win in order to torture his evil brother, Eli Manning. What an asshole that guy is – only willing to play for a New York team. I don't care how shitty the Chargers were at the time, you should be leaping through the hills of San Diego, thankful to be drafted by any NFL team. What a dick. If Peyton wins the Super Bowl, then Eli can toss and turn at night knowing that Peyton is Father Archie's favorite. HE WILL GET WHAT HE DESERVES FOR TREATING THE FINE PEOPLE OF SAN DIEGO LIKE SECOND CLASS CITIZENS. Speaking of the Chargers, they played the Browns this season on throwback helmet day (we only lost by 7 points I might add). I was absolutely fascinated by this helmet design from start to finish. Nothing says power and speed like a retro yellow lightning bolt on the side of a helmet. Now THAT is bringing sexy back, Justin Timberlake. Anyone else need a cold shower? Not really sure if that expression applies to women exactly, but it seems appropriate here.
My friend Gina refuses to root for any dome team, arguing that football should be played outside where it belongs. I suppose I see her point – I have declared many times that football should only be played in the Midwest and on the East Coast. Who really cares about football in Denver? Isn't everyone too busy eating trail mix and going white water rafting to watch football? A federal law should be enforced - football should only be allowed in states with high levels of alcohol consumption and obesity. Maybe the Democrats can consider that for their next 100 hours of reform. I also refuse to root for any team with feminine colors. When I think "manly" – the first teams that come to mind certainly aren't the Jaguars and Panthers. Turquoise? You've got to be kidding me with this. That uniform is an embarrassment. Yet, the Cleveland Browns were voted "worst uniform" (this is a topic for another column…I have a lot to say on this subject). Brown is manly. Turquoise (or is it teal?) is not. End of story.
Why else am I rooting for the Colts? The Colts have not been to a Super Bowl since 1971 – I have a lot of respect for that. I am really tired of Chicago fans whining all the time about how they NEVER WIN ANYTHING. Give it a rest. As if all the Michael Jordan bullshit wasn't enough, those ghetto White Sox had to go off and win The World Series. They still aren't satisfied – I continue to be pelted with trash every time I attend an Indians/White Sox game in my Cleveland Indians t-shirt. What are they so pissed off for? I do not understand. Ever since I moved to Chicago over 6 years ago, I have listened to everyone complain about how the Bears have not won a Super Bowl since 1986. These people cannot be serious. THE CLEVELAND BROWNS HAVE NEVER APPEARED IN A SUPER BOWL. Cry me a river (and I know what you are all thinking…at least the Chicago river isn't on fire. That was the 1960s – get over it).
But I have discovered that the number one reason I am rooting for the Colts is because I am bitter and angry. A lifetime love for Cleveland sports will do that to you. I simply am unable to feel joy for other NFL comrades with winning teams. To be quite honest, I am a bad person. If the Browns suck (well, there really is no question of "if"), and I am miserable, I want everyone else to be miserable with me. So needless to say, I am not looking forward to the next two weeks. It will be two weeks filled with endless airtime for The Super Bowl Shuffle, and shady people trying to sell me NFC championship hats on the street. At least I still have gambling and food – Super Bowl squares and eating everything in sight, two of life's greatest pleasures. And I have my dignity – if the Bears lose Super Bowl XLI, I will rise above, and not find it necessary to rub it in everyone's face…unlike everyone who sent me nasty text messages, and stopped by my office to tell me how much the Buckeyes SUCK after Ohio State's embarrassing loss over Florida a few weeks ago. As if I didn't have enough pain in my life.
The Perfect Champions..The Miami Heat just defeated the Dallas Mavericks to win the NBA championship in 2006.The series was the climax to one of the most exciting professional basketball post-seasons in its history.A majority of all of the series were extremely exciting, mainly because everyone knew their role. The two favorites held themselves with such poised athletic apathy, which enabled our criticism, to the most professional level they could achieve.All the while they were keeping the second four month season in perspective.Todays NBAallowsplayers to set their own rules as far as trades and fouls go, and no one utilized the modern era better than this years champion Heat squad.
First lets start with their roster, it is a complete joke.What makes them great is that their two biggest stars are the least offensive acquisitions they have, but remain jokes.Shaquille ONeal, the king of the world and the NBA signed as free agent with them last year for the sole reason that he was sick of winning titles with the greatest player in basketball that also bonds races together in their hatred of him.Plus, Kobe thought that telling the Colorado Police that Shaq has an entire bank account dedicated to shut the fuck up money he pays women with all of the time would help him out in his own rape case.Kobe Bryant is so amazing.He is not black.He is not white.He is not American.He is just hated.We dont know if hes Italian because of his Japanese name, we just know we dont like him and neither does Shaq.Kobe is simply annoying.Not over the top infuriating, where you actually have to care, but worse.He is painfully consistent annoyance.Not only does he choose to emulate the worst traits of the two greatest black entertainers in history, Jordans cliché press conferences and Michael Jacksons ferriswheel, but then he has the gall to be an incredible basketball player.Result:the Heat have themselves a franchise center.God bless his 34 year old flat footed back twinges to accompany his healthy 37% ratio from the charity line.Why?Because it equals $28 million a season, thats why.Next, comes their real superstar, Dwayne Wade, who by the way does not spell his first name any where near how it was just documented.He was drafted fifth overall by the Heat (who later admitted they wanted Chris Bosh but got stuck with Wade).Its hard to blame that thinking when you remember that Wade came out of the Cinderella Marquette team to sneak into the final four which had racist analysts alike saying that Travis Diener was the leader of that squad.So the Heat got stuck with the greatest player in the league at the fifth slot.
The beauty of the Heat comes from Gordon Geco, himself, Pat Riley.First, he is the GM of the team and makes all personnel decisions.After last years Heat squad came within two minutes of making the NBA Finals last year, Gordo thought a tweaking was in order.Riley blew up the team and executed a 5 team trade, where they got Antoine Walker, Gary Payton, Jason Williams, and James Posey; while in return the Jazz got Greg Ostertag back.Perfect.Riley got the three guys who people despise the most to bring in that new era of championship ball to the beach.God bless all 3 of themRiley knew their video game greatness so much that he came in half way through the year to coach these clowns to yet another book.I could go on and on about the meshing of the wigger, the mouth , and the meaty three baler , but game 7 wrapped it all up.Between Walker doing his shimmy from the floor 2 inches away from White America, to Gary Payton getting hit in the back with a pass because he was occupied jawing at the ref from a play 6 minutes ago, the Heats title was inevitable.I cant wait to Gordo blows this up and comes back for his title defense with Latrell Sprewell.
