Here in my blog, I am safest of all.

Wade: Where the hell have I been?

Blog: What?

Wade: That's what you're supposed to ask me. Where I've been all day.

Blog: Besides going to traffic school?

Wade: No, that was it. I went to traffic school today. My first time ever.

Blog: You don't really want to talk to me about an experience that is designed to be boring, do you?

Wade: In a word: yes.

Blog: Alright then.

Wade: It wasn't as bad as I was expecting. The instructor turned out to be this millionaire entertainment lawyer and Hollywood producer. He was doing the work as some sort of charity case.

Blog: If he really cared that much about the concept of traffic school, he would have intentionally made it agonzing to dissuade you from ever committing another traffic violation.

Wade: You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Blog: You catch even more with bullshit.

Wade: Touche.

Blog: Are there any more exciting anecdotes you have to share about traffic school?

Wade: No. It was pretty boring.

Blog: I know how you feel, man. I really do.

4:44 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Faithless, the Wonder Blog

Wade: Hello blog.

Blog: Who are you?

Wade: I'm Wade, your owner.

Blog: Who?

Wade: Wade. The guy who engages you in meaningful dialogue and basically provides you with a reason for existing.

Blog: I've been having a busy year, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't instantly recognize every single person I've met.

Wade: Busy year? I've talked to you maybe three times.

Blog: The blogosphere doesn't rise and set on your pointless ramblings. I lead a rich and fullfilling life while you waste your youth wage-slaving in suburbia.

Wade: Really? I had no idea.

Blog: I'm actually something of a celebrity amongst the other blogs.

Wade: How is that possible? No one reads this thing.

Blog: Of course not. Public apathy over your trivial witticisms has given me plenty of time to work on my own projects. You really should feel honored that I even stop by to share these brief words with you.

Wade: But-

Blog: Wow, this has been a really great chat. Was there anything else you wanted to say?

Wade: Didn't you notice that I uploaded some pictures onto this thing?

Blog: Yes, those photographs of your bar crawl were fascinating. Pictures of drunken people on the internet. What will you come up with next?

Wade: Didn't you notice that we were all in golf attire?

Blog: Yes, and I also noticed that you appear in almost every picture.

Wade: Yeah, I mostly only uploaded pictures of myself. I bet you think I'm some sort of narcissist.

Blog: More of a masochist.

Wade: Oh, burn!

Blog: Don't blame me for the lame wisecracks. You write everything I say while I'm here.

Wade: True.

Blog: Poop.

Wade: Hee hee!

10:54 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hello myspace my old friend. I've come to blog with you again.

Blog: Happy birthday, Wade.

Wade: Thank you, Blog.

Blog: So how do you feel?

Wade: Not that well, really. I found out this week that I have high blood pressure. They gave me a blood test and extracted five and a half vials. Can you believe that?

Blog: Why would they only fill a vial half-full of blood?

Wade: Well, it was actually a smaller vial, not a half-full one.

Blog: So they actually took six vials of varying size.

Wade: Whatever. The point is that it sucked, and I hated it. I have to watch what I eat and go back for another check-up in a few weeks.

Blog: Your twenties are over and you've got your first lifestyle-altering health problem. I hope you enjoyed your youth while it lasted.

Wade: Hey, wait a minute now. I'm only twenty-eight, and high blood pressure is a gift from my ancestors. Actually, it probably has more to do with my steady diet of salt and caffeine.

Blog: The only thing you'll be tasting now is the dusty chill of the grave.

Wade: Shut, up!

Blog: As a product of light and energy, I'm functionally immortal, so would you mind leaving me some of your more valuable possessions when you go?

Wade: Go away! You're not my real blog!

10:11 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

And if you wrong me, shall I not blog?

Blog: Why don't you tell me about your holiday shopping excursions?

Wade: Why don't you kiss my ass?

Blog:  Fine, just complain about your neighbors. I know that's all you want to do.

Wade: I can't believe these people! It's like driving through a carnival every night. Yesterday my next-door neighbor blocked off the road so that he could videotape his house's little light show spectacular.

Blog: How inconsiderate. I assume that you gave him a piece of your mind and drove past.

Wade: Well, no. I just sat there and waited in my car while he finished his tape.

Blog: So you're constantly complaining about their rudeness, but every time you have the opportunity to object, you bow your head and passively validate their behavior?

Wade: Well, I'm assertive sometimes. I put out some traffic cones tonight so that the crowds will stop parking in front of my driveway

Blog: That seems a bit passive-aggresive. Why don't you just walk over and ask the people to move their cars when they're in the way?

Wade: Why don't you just kiss my ass?

Blog: I think we're done here.

7:52 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

This is my blog. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Wade: Hello blog. I'm Wade.

Blog: Greetings, Wade. I am Blog, your new blog.

Wade: Blog, I think we should set some ground rules right away.

Blog: Go ahead. You can tell me anything.

Wade: First off, I'm going to be telling you some pretty heavy shit.

Blog: I understand.

Wade: I know that you're going to be publicly displayed, but that doesn't mean you have to go blabbing all my personal problems to every program on the internet, you know?

Blog: I assure you that I am the soul of discretion, Wade. You can place your trust in me

Wade: Good. Now, there's something else.

Blog: Yes?

Wade: It's about this dialogue we're having.

Blog: You mean the way you've personifed me into an entity with which you can converse?

Wade: Yes. It's going to be the way we do things around here. Don't ask why. I just like it. It makes me feel...

Blog: Uninhibited?

Wade. Never interrupt me, Blog.

Blog: I am truly sorry.

Wade: Now I'm not in the mood to talk anymore. You've ruined it. We're off to a bad start, here. I might never return.

Blog: I'll be waiting for you Wade. When you're ready.

11:23 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment