my favourite boy
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

The Discussion:

he stomped his feet, hugging his arms tight around himself when i told him they had approved my application, and cried...

i wanted them to say no!
why can't you just stay here so i won't miss you?
it's not the same, talking on the phone and having visits...
can't you just stay until Christmas?
can't you just stay until winter?
can't you just stay until school starts?
can't you just stay until my birthday?
it makes me sad just thinking about it!


it makes me sad too...

***

The SleepOver:

we watched Aristocats in bed til 9:00, and when we turned out the lights he spooned himself against my stomach, reached his arm up and behind himself to put me in a choke hold / hug... and said "Megs, you're my sweetheart."

***

The Fireman School:

Do you want to come to my Fireman School?
Okay, I said...
Now... 1 - you should never go back inside a burning building no matter what, because everything can be replaced except you... even your bed, or your stuffed aminals...
2 - I don't have a fireman's pole at my school, but you can practice jumping off the couch
3 - maybe we should hang a swimming pool over the house, and if it ever catches on fire we can just poke a hole in the pool and all that water will put the fire out
4 - you should never play with matches. did you know granny keeps her matches right here in this drawer? see? can i light one? where are the candles...

***

The Beach:

Did you know that if you call the waves like this (insert turkey gobble noises).. the really big ones will come?

Isn't it cool that I went under the water and lived?

6:16 PM - 4 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

updates and observations
Current mood: sleepy

we've been watching for weeks... stretched out on the deck, heads tilted, faces pressed against the boards, eyes to the crack. first we saw just her, breathing softly, hardly moving... then as the days became warmer, she'd leave from time to time, giving us a glimpse of her small round treasures... just a few days ago we were startled to find three bright orange gaping mouths completely obscuring our view... so we snuck down under the deck and waited. waited to see the parent robins flying back and forth from the nest, bring worms and caterpillars to fill those hungry babies.

it was a sad moment for both of us when we looked today and the nest was empty. we had to have a sit together, curled up in a lawn chair, his arms wrapped tightly around my neck... quiet, thoughtful, melancholy.

"i felt like they were our special secret," he said.

****

the trail of crushed gravel winds through forest and field, small footpaths snaking their way out of the trees. this morning, a very deliberate placement of twigs at the junction of one such path, in big twiggy letters  "HI!!"

we yelled "Hi!!" back, just in case the creator was listening.

****

i've lost 14 pounds since March... i gained a bit of weight when i was pregnant, and then gained a lot of weight when i was depressed after the miscarriage... but it's almost all gone now, and i'm feeling great. gotta love hard physical labour for helping to work off the excess pounds.

****

the tip of my nose is sunburnt, and the left side of my left leg.that's it... no where else.

i attempted something of a yard sale today. but not in my yard... in a gravel parking lot on the main street of our village, as we're too far from view to attract any buyers out where i live. other "vendors" bought some of my things, and then sold them for a profit at their own tables. at first, i didn't care... because i just wanted to get rid of my years of accumulated clutter before i pack up for my next move. but after a couple times i got a bit annoyed at their cheek.

i made $130 though... but i still have too much stuff.


****

my sweetheart is coming to visit... he arrives on Thursday, and is staying for ten whole days! as the time draws nearer, i become more and more like an excited puppy... wriggling about, unable to contain my happiness. we haven't seen each other in almost two months.

****

my visa application is all in order. all supporting documents have been acquired, copies made, translations certified... medical examination and myriad of vaccinations are done... and i FINALLY received notice of my interview date.

i was surprised to find that they won't do the interview at the consulate in Halifax. instead, i have to make the 1300 km (800 mile) trek to Montreal in early August. and, unless they decide to deny me the visa (and why would they??), i could be living with my sweetheart by September.

sigh. bliss.

Currently reading : Persepolis 2: The Story of a Return By Marjane Satrapi Release date: 2005-08-02

6:58 PM - 11 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

domesticity...
Current mood: content

clean white sheets and pillow cases on the clothesline, snapping in the wind ...

pots of flowers warming in the sun, earth still caked beneath my nails... there's something enormously satisfying about busying my hands with plants and soil.

deck furniture, newly painted chocolate and cream...
sounds like a snack.
arms, legs, feet and hands still smeared with paint.
i make no claims to being good at it, i only claim that i did it... and they look delicious.

speaking of delicious... new potatos, fish caught fresh this morning, tender crisp shoots of asparagas.. cooked outside and eaten on the newly painted table.

***

bought my dad fresh herbs for his kitchen garden... they're "hiding" in my room til tomorrow morning, so when i sleep tonight i'll dream basil and parsley and sage dreams....

***

Currently listening : Essential Leonard Cohen By Leonard Cohen Release date: 2002-10-22

6:36 PM - 3 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

hello friends

i didn't much feel like talking for a long time... i don't know how much i feel like talking now even, but i'm at least starting to think about it....starting to want to put thoughts on a page again... starting to lurk in your blogs again.

it is strange how sometimes it is a relief to expose our pain, to share it, to unleash it on an audience of "friends from afar" such as yourselves... and then at other times, the idea of exposing that pain to anyone is simply unbearable.

i won't go into details. suffice to say, i was in a dark place for a while.... i'm not there anymore.

i am okay.

7:51 PM - 11 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

secret

i have had a happy secret... a secret that has kept me away from MySpace for the last several months. my thoughts and attention have been focused elsewhere. i have been hoarding my energies and happiness for my self... and i have been full of joy.

after 11 weeks and 3 days, i no longer have my happy secret.

after 11 weeks and 3 days, my happy secret left me in an armchair in the waiting room of the emergency ward. i'm not going to have a baby any more.




i won't be back here for a while.

1:55 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos

homecoming
Current mood: content
Category: Travel and Places

what is it about coming home that creates an immediate and profound sense that suddenly all is right with the world? or at least, all is right in my little corner of it...

it is possible that the unexpected joys of passing an additional three hours in Ronald Reagan National Airport waiting for my flight to finally get permission to take off, followed by an extra 12 hours in the Newark airport (much of which was spent standing in line to have my ticket rebooked for the second, third and fourth time, watching endless displays of holiday spirit [my possible favourite of which could be the woman on the cell phone behind me, loudly saying "i'm telling you, i'm ready to kill someone... this is the worst fucking experience of my entire fucking life" while the parents in front of me tried to cover their kids ears], and the remainder of which was spent trying to find a comfortable position on the uncomfortable airport chairs so that i might actually get some sleep)... followed by a flight in a plane so old that the seats drifted out of their "upright position" into the recliner mode of their own accord and i couldn't help but wonder if the wings were about to fall off when we hit a little turbulence... it is possible that these things have contributed to my sense of joy at being home.

it is also possible that the stresses and strains of the 8 months since i was here last have polished the shine on "home" just a little....

but it is equally possible that this place is just a wonderful place to be.

i got off the plane in Halifax to be greeted by a light snowfall. everything looks better under a little snow... magical somehow, dreamlike.
my dad took me out for breakfast, and then, comfortable for the first time since i left my American home almost 24 hours earlier, i drifted off to sleep in the car, waking as we turned onto the dirt road that leads to my parents' house.

my mom's dog exploded out of the house, whining and trembling and jumping and spinning about in his great excitement at my return. when i finally got him back in the door, my mom told me that was exactly how she felt too. we hugged and cried just a little. it has been two and a half years since i moved to Alberta, since then we've had a few long weekend visits.... this time i'm home for a month or so. she is overjoyed.

the house smells so familiar... like wood smoke and home-made turkey soup. like beeswax furniture polish and warm bread.

my sister and nephews came up the hill to see me.... the nine month old spent the entire visit wobbling about the room, from person to person, carefully and methodically removing everyone's socks and putting them in a pile... the four year old made me an X for Christmas: two boards, each about a foot long, nailed together at the centre... "i made it for you in case you find some treasure" he said, "so you can mark the spot with your X"



how do you make your X fit around a feeling?

Currently reading : Ethics for the New Millennium By Dalai Lama Release date: 08 May, 2001

3:32 AM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

a quickie..
Category: Life

don't get too excited... i'm not going to be telling you about my "quickie" experiences. i don't have time for quickies these days, and besides... we're at my fiance's parents' place. need i say more?

last Thursday was Thanksgiving. i thought that the American Thanksgiving Family Fight tradition was just made up for the movies.... it wasn't a full out brawl here, but there were palpable tensions. we don't appear to have such a tradition in Canada. at least, no one i know does...

Friday we rented a moving truck and loaded all of the sweetheart's belongings that had been in storage for a year... then drove back to his parents' place to get my piano loaded. it took almost as long to load the piano as it did to load the all the rest of his belongings together. he loves my piano. you know it...

Saturday we drove to the new place in Virginia and unloaded to truck. Sunday we packed up the place in Maryland and drove it to Viriginia. Monday we unpacked... sort of. still looks like a bomb hit it....

Monday my sweetheart's mom had a stroke... so we're back in New Jersey.

it's been tough. it's hard seeing her looking so fragile. it's hard seeing how much it pains her family preparing themselves for her death.

but at the same time, it is amazing to see how times like these can bring people together. i see how their family is communicating better, being more patient with each other, being more outwardly loving with each other... i feel them embracing me into the family more.

and my love and respect for my sweetheart grows from moment to moment. each time i feel i couldn't love him more, i find i can and i do...


i won't be here much for a while. but i'll be happy to see you when i get back.

 

10:27 PM - 6 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

adding to the flurry of girlie good news....
Current mood: loved
Category: Life

after reading that Alicia and her sweetheart made it official and Celine's pregnant... getting all caught up in the glow of love, and in the spirit of sharing... perhaps i'll share my good news too.

my sweetheart and i got engaged last week.

:o)

however, let me cut you off right now, before you get all excited and start asking for proposal details as there hasn't really been one.

he told me 11 months ago that he was going to marry me... didn't ask, mind you... just told me, all matter of fact.

and he's made jokes about "oh, why don't we meet in vegas and get married" (when i was still in Canada) and "you can make it to my sister's wedding? great! why don't we make it a double wedding!".... and each time i've told him that i won't even consider it until we've lived together...

so, here we are, three months into living together... talking about future life plans, and he talks about once we're married this... when we're married that... blah blah... so, i told him that while i loved talking about all the "when we're married" scenarios as much as the next person, but i still needed a ring and a proposal.

he was quiet for a minute and then apologised for making me feel like i had to ask for it. the next morning, he told his parents over breakfast that we're going to get married, and my jaw gaped.

... and the day after that we'd had a very long and kind of rough day of looking at apartments, stopped to grab a pizza to take home for dinner and there was a jewellry store across the street, so we went in, found a ring i liked, he bought it and put it on my finger.

et voila!

not overly romantic, but very him... and now when i'm reading or if we're driving somewhere he'll pick up my hand, look at it for a while, and then kiss it as if it were the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

and that is pretty sweet.

Currently listening : Let It Die By Feist Release date: 06 September, 2004

4:35 AM - 25 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

what a difference a day makes...
Current mood: autumnal
Category: autumnal Fashion, Style, Shopping

it's a crunchy leaves and wool sweaters kind of day.

and i'm okay with that.

Currently listening : Introducing Happiness By Rheostatics Release date: 23 May, 1995

10:21 AM - 21 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Triple A moments
Current mood: content
Category: content Life

i'm feeling inspired, and when inspiration calls i must answer.

life is something of a rollercoaster... up, down, upside down, repeat... lately i have been feeling as though i'm in the corkscrew of the coaster, getting tossed about and feeling slightly nauseous... this will change, i'll be laughing and loving the wind rushing through my hair again soon. but for the moment i'm finding it a little overwhelming and difficult.

enter m3's blog, Triple A , which asked us to consider those moments of "perfection" in our lives, real or imagined. those moments where everything just clicks... the right time, right place, right people...

i would encourage you to check out the blog in its entirety, but in essence he asks us to consider what he calls  "Triple A", meaning - Anyone, Anything, Anywhere. if you could be with any person, doing anything at all, at any place you chose... who, what, and where would it be?

he writes:  It's surprising how such a simple game can give you insight not only into the thoughts and gaping needs of the person who is telling you their version... but how revealing they can be about your own needs that you never realize are going unfulfilled.

sometimes a shift in focus can have such a profound impact. i have been feeling burdened with grief and loss, frustrated and anxious about my current housing situation, homesick for my family, and simply overwhelmed... but as i read this blog, and sat thinking of some of these moments in my life i found my heart lifted, i found my spine straightening and shoulders opening as the tension left my body, i found myself feeling more joyful than i have felt in a long time.

i am so blessed.

a few "Triple A" moments in my life:

~ my nephew/snuggled in bed at naptime, 2005/arm thrown around my neck, eyes heavy, face on the pillow looking into mine, saying "you make me bery happy, auntie meg

~ alone/ sitting in a leaky red tent in the eastern highlands of Zimbabwe, 1995/ watching the rain, thinking about the fact that no one knew where i was, and realising that i was truly and deeply happy in my solitude

~ Francisco/ Joshua Tree National Forest, 2006/ sitting high on the rocks, watching the sun set over the desert and listening to the wind, giddy with joy at the beauty of the place and my new found love

~ my mom & sister/ early morning on my parents' deck, over looking the ocean, 1999-2007/ coffee in hand, talking or not talking, content in each other's company

~ my friend Marni/ Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco, 2007/ running over the bridge in the fog, feeling proud of ourselves and each other, reveling in the comaraderie and energy of the thousands of other runners

~ alone/ mountain peak in Jasper National Park, 1998/ sky pink with the rising sun, cold air rushing over my face, snow shushing beneath my snowboard, rhythm fluid and fast

~ team mates/ finish line, 2004/ sweaty and tired, proud and happy, having just finished a 24 hour in-line skating relay race on the famous car racing track at Le Mans, France

~ my brothers and sister/ in a canoe, 1982/ racing down the hill, oldest brother yelling "lean, lean, lean!" when it came time to bank right, rocketing through the yard (narrowly missing the house) and screaming with laughter as we took air crossing over the snowbanks that ringed our driveway

~ Francisco/ wrapped in his arms in bed, 2006/ trembling in fear and exhiliration and awe after having choked out the words "i love you" for the very first time

i was going to write some Triple A moments that i would like to experience... but i am feeling content with it as it is right now. perhaps another day i'll put down some dreams for future days.

thank you, m3...

Currently listening : Kerouac: Kicks Joy Darkness By Various Artists Release date: 08 April, 1997

5:51 AM - 8 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment