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I Hear Ya, Tiny Tim

I Hear Ya, Tiny Tim
by Devin Roberts

The church sanctuary was already beyond maximum capacity, as evidenced by two large, closed doors to its main entrance and suited ushers directing unfortunate latecomers to a few rows of cushioned folding chairs lining the lobby-side threshold to the sanctuary – the dreaded overflow section reserved for losers who can't make it to church on time. Those social degenerates, I believed as a kid, whose tardiness resulted from sleeping through their alarms after a hedonistic night of drinking beer and dirty dancing at the local bars.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

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Thank You Junior High and Protein Shakes

Thank You Junior High & Protein Shakes
by Devin Roberts

Long before the male Emo population blurred gender lines by donning tight female denim at least two sizes too small for their frames, my mother, out of genuine concern for her son but lacking an insider's knowledge of the latest adolescent fashion trends, purchased for me a pair of girls' Guess jeans, complete with tapered legs finished with shiny gold zippers at the bottom.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

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Coulter, Schmoulter

Coulter, Schmoulter
by Devin Roberts

I feel confident that somewhere on one of the deeply discounted "as-is" backroom racks at David's Bridal hangs a Virgin White ode to that little black Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love" mini dress you have grown so fond of over the years.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

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Sunsets and Memories

Sunsets & Memories
by Conor J. Murphy

Average retirement facilities believe that defecating oneself is a nuisance and a problem, but not at S&M. We encourage each and every one of our patients to shit their pants as to derive pleasure from the humiliation of sitting in one's own squishy feces.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

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Just News, a Special Report

Just News, a Special Report
by  Conor J. Murphy

"Now Pastor, tell me, do you think that God exacted some sort of vengeance on Goldstein because her people killed Jesus, or perhaps because she was a fur-trading lesbian on regular look out for top-notch beaver pelt?"

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

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Utah

Utah
by Katie Matus

A week in the mountains of Utah might sound like heaven to some, but skiing makes me cry and I'm a little freaked out by Mormons. Reading Under the Banner of Heaven, an account of some murderous followers of Joseph Smith during the flight into Salt Lake City may not have been the best idea.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

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Bong

Bong
by Katie Matus

I can't imagine myself sitting my future children down and saying, "On my fifteenth birthday, my eighteen year-old boyfriend bought me a six-pack of Zima and escorted me to a wild party where I took my first bong hit."

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

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Attack of the Bathtub Jellyfish

Attack of the Bathtub Jellyfish
by Corinne Bilyeu

Nearing midnight with two jellyfish in my apartment. Here's what I'm going to do. Trap them in Gladware with enough water to survive, then call animal control in the morning.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

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A Collection of Tom Cruise Haiku

A Collection of Tom Cruise Haiku
by Corinne Bilyeu

Little man, big grin
If his lifts were tall enough
Could he find a clue?

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

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