Nearly a year
Category: Blogging

Yup, nearly a year since I started this ere blog, so thanks to everyone for sticking with me, especially during the relocation in the summer.

Sorry folks but I'm at it again.  Some of you may have noticed that I've been a bit quiet recently and that's mainly due to a new profile which I'm keeping for non personal stuff.  If you haven't found it yet and want a gander then drop me a msg and I'll send you the link.

I'll still be blogging here, albeit occasionally and no doubt with more tales of lady foliage mishaps, 'funny' style posts will now reside in my new 'comedic' abode.  All are welcome, just don't make a mess, the new persona is a lot more 'strict'.  Steady boys!

Squeezealage to all x

11:25 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Not much really
Category: Blogging

I killed a wasp yesterday!
Bout it really, debate at will if you want - it's bloody January for god's sake.

Busy, busy, socialising, smutting, supposedly writing, travelling oh yeh and work in there somewhere too.

p.s. Early Izzard and curly wurly's are fantastic - no debate, FACT!

02:01 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

2007 - the year that was
Category: Blogging

11:44 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Total Tit - the return (now in tuna vision)
Category: Blogging

Ok so here at Total Tit Towers we've been a bit lax recently with any misdemeanors (we're not mentioning the Christmas do - ok everyone!).
However you'll be pleased to know that a small nod to diviness did precede NYE shenanigans.

I'm very proud to say that I am now an expert at making tuna toasties.
That's great Jools, but not really what I was expecting, I shall be writing to Total Tit Towers and requesting a full refund to the tune of 1 entire cup of tea for wasting my time with such trivialities as toastie making when I was expecting some gloriously long and laboured post about how you put your knickers on sideways again, really I'm very disappointed in you young lady - has the New year bought about a sudden diviness demise?

Woah there Tonto...although to be fair I think I may have over egged the egg nog with my premise but the tuna toastie did in fact happen upon my person.
Yes indeed - I managed to toast tuna in my hair!

Let me explain (no really, I feel I must).  It being the season of goodwill, bad telly (I mean did you see Dr Who? - shameful) and an abundance of squirty cream (try it - mince pie, microwave, squirty cream in the steam vent - blows the lid right off) I felt it was time I calmed things down a bit and went with a very simple tuna toastie for my tea.
Unfortunately I had preceded this with several glasses of cabernet and thus somehow ended up with tuna and mayo in my hair.
However being the utter slut that I am, I didn't exactly wash it out straight away.  I mean don't get me wrong I sucked the majority of it out of my hair, decided that Pantene Pro Tuna is an acquired taste and then settled down for the night in my pj's.

The following day was of course New Year's Eve and everyone knows when you're trying to do your hair that it's best to set any 'styles' on unwashed hair, which I proceeded to do, having of course slept on and forgotten about any remnants of tuna.

I was of course only alerted to the fact, as I was pushing my straightening irons through my mop of hair only to be met with a slightly burnt fishy smell.

The worst of it is that at this point I didn't even bother washing my hair to get rid of the tuna, but carried on regardless in the vain hope that people didn't spend the night with a lusting for scampi and chips.

It's 2008 folks and yet I'm still as batty as ever - goodness knows what the New Year will bring.

Squeezles to all.

10:51 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

What do you do when you’ve got a free cycle?
Category: Blogging

Honestly if you don't freecycle - you've got to get on it..it's effin hilarious!

Not withstanding the pun of what do you do if you've got a cycle to give away on it (gettit?) - free cycle - do I have to spell it out?).

There are some bloody fantastic offers, but this one has to be one of the best I've seen - absolutely genuine and still no takers...anyone?

[freecycle] OFFERED: PET LOBSTER: 

This is a blue lobster and cannot bne eaten.
Itis a tropical lobster and will eat any fish it is kept with. You will need to provide the tank where this lobster can live on his own.
He eats frozen turtle food from chany manor fish shop.

07:20 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Cause we’re not the BBC
Category: Blogging

or any other type of radiologicial or televisual type thinymibob, we here at Total Tit Towers are running a competition.

So blogarino's to be in with the chance of winning, er, something (left over turkey perhaps?) try and guess the sell by date of the food I took out of the freezer yesterday.  Nearest month and year wins, and extra bonus points if you can guess what sort of food it was.

In other news, I've updated my friends list, in no order of preference I just like things to be nice and symmetrical.  But can anyone explain to me why I have more 'men' (loose term I know) in my top friends than women but am still a sad singleton?  Guys - what am I doing wrong?

Much Crimbly type cuddles. xx

07:12 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Boys toys for gals
Category: Blogging

Ok so here at Total Tit Towers I decided it was time for the much needed annual lady foliage trim.
However on alighting in the bathroom I discovered that I was without razor - no worry, flatmate's razor will have to do.  He'll never know he's out fighting the chavs at Asda or something.

Oh my lordy, what a sight was beholden to me...he's only been and got one of them fancy vibrating ones. 

Well my blogarino's what can I say? 

I got a little bit over excited and now my downstairs department has a rather Kojak look to it (no gags about lolipo's please).

So ladyeez - razor rash - any suggestions?

Also managed to get a great big glob of spunk looking shaving foam right up the shower curatin.  I'm thinking of leaving it there just so the flatmate can ponder on just how excited his razor got me.

Love and panettone xx

06:02 AM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Shameful Seasonal Shenanigans
Category: Blogging

Ok, so now that almost an entire week has passed, I'm now in a semi fit state to blog about the Christmas party....

Oh dear my blogarino's, inappropriate behaviour really was the theme for the night...so as tradition dictates, will try to blog the events in the order they happened, no timeline this year as I have no bloody clue what time anything happened apart from sitting down to eat at about 8pm

So after an amusing amount of attempts at trying to put my foot in the wrong bit of a fishnet stocking, I eventually managed to dress myself, with the aid of a couple of glasses of red, then got a lift to a supermarket carpark where I attempted to fill a small water bottle with the remains of a bottle of JD, suddenly realised was in the wrong place for the minibus (woo look at me minibus, I can see you all green with envy) and then scooted onto the minibus where my friend had reserved a seat.
Was probably hugely annoying and think I may have said scrotum quite a lot - it was an in joke and has something to do with seams.

Debused to posh venue, went to wrong party, did 360 and eventually found the bar, boss and friends, oh and nother glass red wine
Much ooing and aahhing at people's dress sense, large glass JD and coke and took our place at the table
This is where it starts to get a bit hazy but some sort of tomatey terriney thing, turkey, then some mango cheescake which made me do my 'I'm not convinced' face, wizzy balloons, party poppers, some sort of chatter from the boss, me chomping at the bit to get on the dancefloor ooh and about a entire bottle of red to myself.

To the dancefloor we took and damn stylish we looked ;)  Me and my newest member of staff, she's only been with us 2 weeks, the poor gal..we pretty much dominated the dancefloor doing our best diva impressions.
I then indiscriminately grabbed husbands, boyfriends and lovers, as long as they were male.  Shoes liberally thrown at the nearest table and far too many photos of me looking like a drunken lush.

Occasional loo stop and trying on of other girls shoes and more grabbing of anyone who cared to join me (whether they wanted to or not) on the dancefloor.
Decided to go out for a fag (yes I don't smoke), wander and visit to the other party.  I'd spotted quite a nice long haired fellow earlier, but was disappointed to find him with a girlie, didn't stop me going back later with one of my team for an impromptu dance on their dancefloor - much to colleague's embarrassment.

Then we headed back to the bar (this is me with 2 new members of staff, 1 of who I had to have a very serious conversation with on Monday morning - but who I'd decided was rather lovely and was in need of my 'mentoring' skills, an associated boyfriend and another member of my team - all nearly a decade younger than me!).
At this point I'd rather lost the plot so most of these gaps have apparently been filled in by others...

I apparently decided with the young boy to finish off a bottle of southern comfort (which I detest - cue another 'not convinced' face), asked the barman if I flashed him my boobies would we get a free drink, removed my shoes again and put them on the bar and then decided to show everyone my fishnets as they kept falling down, so popped my leg up on the bar - knew those yoga lessons would come in useful one day).

Bimbled back in for more dancing and had to be dragged off the dancefloor by my very best mate as the buses had arrived.
Other best mate had to put my shoes on for me and then....ah well.... I um..... disappeared.

Yup apparently for about 10 mins I just disappeared, I have no clue where I went, mates have no clue where I went, I don't know how I got downstairs, but apparently was found by some other colleagues wandering outside going 'ooh I think we've missed the bus'.
Luckily colleagues called a taxi (it's a 30 min drive) and bundled me into the back of it, unfortunately this was not before I smashed into a very large wall managing to almost dislocate my shoulder, twist my back and bruise every part of my body, in particular knuckles and knees.  I am sporting bruises in places I didn't know existed - purple's very in this year you know.

I then did my best Bridget Jones impression of falling out of the taxi and my colleague daren't let me walk back to my own back gate on my own.  Eventually got in and collapsed on the bed.  However was amazed to discover that I actually got home with everything I went out with and no doubt a little bit more!

Oops

02:43 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Bugger...a continuation
Category: Blogging

Ok so I've yet to revisit the shambolic blog attempts of last night and I'm already a tiny bit squiffy in preparation for the 'proper' Christmas do tonight.
For christs sake I have to go on a bloody minibus - I need all the help I can get.

Anyway I am currently exhibiting behaviour that no 30+ year old should be doing and have so far attemted to put my leg in a fishnet stocking 3 times, without success and relaised I had my bra on inside out!  God forbid I actually pull tonight, poor fellow doesn't stand a chance!

Wish me luck - no doubt there will be much tales from Total Tit Inc tomorrow.

x

*Sun 0900 - oh bugger! 

09:45 AM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

and we’re off
Category: Blogging

1632:    so yeop we're off with the annual blogging whilst completely pishedathon hich is much beloved of my humble and loyal subscribers...so complete with typo's, her we go...

So have returned from mjuch foodage in local hosteraly...this year unfortunately no horsey douvres so startes instead...racking noggin as to what the starter was but was 'persuaded' to ehad to pub before commenicing luncheon...ummmmm

nope it's evaded me...anyway we then had some leek and potato soup with soem sort of swish buttery stuff floating on it, then turkey type thing, then pudddinngggssss.... of whoch wellie had 2..yes i'm a heifer of the most heifery quality...so panacotte (?) with cherry brandy (non fermented) and then two types of ice cream, all washed down with a couple of glasses of red and the growing delight that he waiter resembled Axl rose (pree mentalness)...he didn't really btu he was a ginger and I thoguht it was onyl right that I let hom have a stab at it - after all tehy are people too and they tend to be more nethusiastic, cause what they lack in the hair/skuin tone arena they make up for in sexual prowess.....well I would';ve liked the chance to find out but I was prevented fropm doing so by the whole of our team shouting 'put him down, he;s still shiny' at me....pout

anyway off to open a bottle, find some jim jams and no dount witter on about soemthing utterly pointless...check in latyer.

*1900 ish - pissing myself at allt he typos..woo hoo fro red wine...now dancing along to lionel rihcie...allll niiighhttttt loonnngggggg.....

* 2100 - right bit bored of this now and bloody pissed off with sir wanking richard of cliff on fucking EVERYTHING!!!! arghhhhhhh....am going to go for a ncie lay down with my new best friend, mr cabernet...sleep well folks, se ya soon, much squeezlage x

08:25 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Warning - drunken ramblings may appear on a blog near you
Category: Blogging

Oh yes indeedy, for those of you that were following my escapades over at comfy pants HQ, we may well have a repeat of last year's shambolic and shameless behaviour.
For those of you joining us for the first time during this festive period - welcome and god save you, run for the hills now, for ye may recover not!

So yes next Friday will once again see the annual pilgrimage of the office 'gals' for festive frolics in a nearby hostelry (sic?).

As befits this wondrous occasion I will be attempting to perform a trick of blogging whilst inebriated and without......dun dun dun (that was a drum roll for the pathos challenged) the use of a spell check.

So please feel free to join me in 'real time' as I attempt to top last year's record of the amount of typos and incoherent sentences pieced together by a semi alcoholic 33 year old.
Will be back from eating mucho foodo around 5pm and a series of bottles will be opened and consumed until either:
a) we're all a bit bored
b) I've emptied the entire drinks cabinet and am forced to drink the now fermented cherry brandy
c) I pull a celt!   ;)

I of course won't be encouraging anyone to join me in drunken ramblings, as it's not big and it's not clever - remember kids, drinks responsibly.  :)

10:27 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Thought it was time for another one of these
Category: Blogging

well that and I've been supping a very nice merlot and watching men in leather trousers again...

02:23 PM - 9 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Chhh chhh chh changes......
Current mood: awake
Category: Blogging

Yes I'm back! Forgive me oh leathered trouser ones for I have sinned, it's been friggin ages since my last blog.  (Actually I'd much rather you didn't forgive me as I'm quite happy to carry out any punishment you may have in store).

Anyway, that's right folks I'm back and in posession of a notebook chock full of theories, ramblings and more candyfloss than you can shake a stick at.  Although why you'd want to shake a stick at a pink things, who can say ;)

Anyway, thanks for all the thoughts and best wishes, life continues to be not of the up most fabbiness but I'm damned of I'm going to let the feckers get me down.

So with due apologies to all (if any of you still remain)...forthwith we shall frolic amongst the fields of merriment and madness.

p.s. A few things may be changing round this ere gaff, so if posts disappear don't fret as they may pop up elsewhere, know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge...

Yes still as barmy as a fruit bat who's just eaten an aubergine, forgetting that it's actually a vegetable and who is now feeling nauseous and is having the piss ripped out of him by head honcho Terry.

11:31 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

A recipe to cure all ills
Category: Blogging

Never be it said that I'm not generous to my little blogarino's but once again I am sharing, a Jools tried and tested 'feeling icky' remedy:

So on procurement of head that feels like it's been used as a ball in a scrum half (ok i'm not good on sporting analogies but they stopped me playing centre forward in hockey cause I kept whacking people with a stick)

Anyway to cure such ills, please follow this salient advice:
1. Moan loudly to anyone that'll listen
2. Attempt to 'sleep it off' but fail dismally as you keep waking up at the good bits of your dream about Kiether Sutherland and the misuse of a showerhead
3. Take usual 'over the counter' drugs and bemoan the fact they are doing diddly squat
4. Give up and heed Jools' advice


1. Go to comedy gig and drink as much coke as your body can stand and then make your eyes bulge as you wait patiently in line for the ladies
2.  Laugh like a drain until you spill coke down your trousers leaving you with an embarrassing stain you will later have to explain in the bar
3. Exit venue after said embarrassment and partake of the following:
Alcoholic beverage of your choice
Ciggie of your choice
Supposed fresh air

Repeat as necessary, ensuring you take in copious amounts of the above substances.  Ensure you exceed the recommended 4 units within a 24hr period and under no circumstances be attempted to read the side effects.  Repeat until either
A) Dizzy
B) Sick
3) Ordering a kebab
z) All 4

Brought to you as always by the demented squirrels of Jools is a Total Tit Inc.

All rights reserved, objects may seem larger than they appear (don't we know it ladies), if comes in eyes rinse as necessary (nothing's coming near my eyes, and yes I know its full of protein but honestly that's just icky).

03:25 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Fringe Frolics - post coital
Category: Blogging

Ok cause everyone is nagging and before I forget - here comes one very long blog post with what I saw and did whilst up in Kebababorough, complete with my thoughts on the comedy (not reviews, cause I keep getting told they are utterly pointless!)

Fri - After a 2 hour delay sitting next to an obnoxious family for 8 hours Jools finally alighted upon Waverley station and hailed a cab forthwith to University Halls - v quick dump of suitcase and then walked down to Pleasance courtyard (yeh -didn't get lost on that one) - quick scout round, quick chat with a couple of peeps and procurement of Pleasance tickets for the next few days.  Bevvies consumed and wait for Moth commences, many phone calls and panic queuing later and Moth makes her appearance with mins to spare before Klang kick off.
Moth then has to explain to Jools that we're sat directly behind Jimmy Carr and thus ensues the Fringe 'talent (or otherwise) spotting game which was going to figure heavily for the rest of the weekend.
***Klang ramblings - FANTASTIC! as I expected them to be, sheer silliness wrapped in a sweetie wrapper of filth, bloody brilliant way to start the weekend.

Sat - retire to bed at about 1am after a few drinks and a pizza (as was to become the theme) however Jools awakes and is breakfasting by 9am and then off to sort out damn wiffy connection (I'm sticking with that pronunciation of wifi and no one's going to tell me otherwise).  Couple of hours later and a now awake Moth, and the gals head off into town and to find the Royal Mile (which they'd walked straight past the night before!)  Had a quick look at the 'talent' and then head off to the 'Amused Moose Laugh Off 2007' - now the reason I've written that in full is cause it was hosted by the lovely Stephen K Amos who was having trouble saying it for most of the afternoon.  Great show with 10 comedians, all good but I was pleased cause my top 3 matched exactly the top 3 that were chosen - so congratulations to Jack Whitehall who was crowned champion and will receive 'opportunities' - go check him out, he's going to be the next thing!
Um then I think we headed back to accommodation (actually not bad at all and recommended for the breakfast alone if you're on a budget).
Then back to the Pleasance for AAA stand up. 

***Tom Wrigglesworth well worth the money, but would've loved to have seen more of him (not in that way you filthy slutbuckets) and then Michael McIntyre who was great even though he called me a snort laugher and pointed Moth out for being late (so desperate for a burger, she was).
Then headed up to Pleasance Dome to see if we could blag tickets for another show, yet again got lost taking 40 mins for what should've taken about 10!  Then quick look round Underbelly, ate some lovely crepes and had a nice conversation with Jerry Sadowitz about bratwursts (Moth of course had no clue who she was talking to!)  Then flukely got a taxi and to bed about 2am.

Sun - Yet again despite the small amount of sleep Jools is up, breakfasting and ready to take on the glorious day by about 9am, so off she toddles up Arthur's seat ( well to be fair up the first ridge) mp3 player in hand.  Beautiful views (hopefully Moth has some photos that I took on her camera) just sat looking at the views, seeking up the atmosphere and then laying back and watching the blue skies - glorious and a definite must to escape the hustle and bustle and clear your head.  Although to be fair most of the joggers seemed to think I was some kind of vagrant.  Then whilst Moth slumbers on I head off up the Royal Mile again, down to National gallery and along ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Princes/Rose street's, end up having to buy scarf and natty pair of leather gloves to stave off the cold but otherwise was a lovely day with loads to see and do.  Moth eventually surfaces and off we toddle to see

***Jason Cook at the Stand.  What can I say?  For me this was my stand out show of the whole festival - playing in a weeny venue Jason confesses all to his assembled audience and boy does it take the wind out of your sails.  Funny, engaging and enthralling had me in bits and made me cry (as were half the audience) truly captivating appearance - please go and support him as this show will stay with me for a very long time.

Then off for some lunch/dinner an halls for a quick change of clothing and off to the Assembly rooms, first at George Street and then on the Mound.

***Adam Hills, was ok but I begrudged paying about £15 to see most of the stuff I've seen before and none of it highly original, it was fine but really just a 3 star night for me and it also made my mind up that I much prefer the smaller venues.  Best bit was dancing at the end, especially as I embarrassed Moth by doing so.

***Jason Byrne on the other hand was a totally different story, a fantastic venue up at Mound (but ridiculous drink prices) huge capacity and boy does that guy fill the room with his personality.  Made my face hurt and gave me a sore throat from screaming so much.

Then headed down to Pleasance as was to become our staple of the festival, good burgers despite the queue, plenty to watch, reasonable bar prices and somewhere covered to get in from the cold.  After a few bevies we headed of to Underbelly baby and a small dank cave.  Moth dead impressed as we're sat outside observing Dara O'Briain, Adam Bloom and Phil Nichol.  Finally get inside and take our seats.  Moth at this point decides she wants to go near the front.  Now me being a comedy connoisseur and mooner know that if Phil Nichol is on the bill the front is not where you want to be, so she relents and stays put a few rows back.
I shall now try and describe some of the madness that followed (for those that haven't been this will sound like total gibberish, which for the most part it is, for those that have been – it was one of the best Mooners ever and the last one of the Fringe run).

***Mooners – Maxwell comes on and does his normal bit and Phil Nichol keeps popping his head round, he eventually brings him on and Phil decides to climb the lighting rig, at which point it 'seems' he has become stuck so sir Tim comes to help and climbs the other side of the rig.  Then Tim decides to have a go at going across the horizontal rig much to the vexation of the crew who come hairing down stage demanding and screaming at him to come down.  At which point Maxwell reappears saying he can't leave anyone alone for 5 mins and labels the very annoyed crew member as the ginger leprechaun – much reference made to this throughout the show.
Then we have a rendition from lady Carol and a spot of Zoo nation complete with big inflatable balls (which is very odd as I'd had a dream about a week before which involved Maxwell and an inflatable ball!) then we get Dara on who rips the piss out of a psychologist in the front row and has some heckling regarding Konnie Huq ;), more zoo Nation, followed by Adam Bloom (who I don't think got the response he wanted and ended up doing his rubiks cube trick).
More Lady Carol and I think that was about it, should've spent more time in the bar as spotted JJ, Glenn and a couple of other comedians all getting pissed up. 

Brilliant night though and Moth couldn't have got a better night to pop her mooners cherry – back up the hill to bed around 4am.

Mon – Um don't recall seeing much of Monday morning so can't remember much what I did but went off to see Kirsten O'Brien at about 2pm

***Quite a charming little show but not exactly comedy but she is an infectious little Northern Imp, so you can't help but like her and as it was the last show (that's the best thing about going on the last day, boy they may all be knackered but they're delighted you're there and they're finishing) she got to wreck her sausage costume.  Best bit was the sing a long at the end though – top notch!

Crepes and paninis and wine consumed and a couple of people chatted to and then back for a change of clothing.  Now this was the night that we were going to go 'glam' however Edinburgh was playing its normal cruel tricks, so jeans, scarf and gloves were donned in an attempt to remain above sub zero temperatures.  Back down Pleasance for Rhod Gilbert's show.

***Have seen Rhod's show in previews a couple of times so was interesting to see the changes he's made – great gig, very accessible especially if you like your comedy completely miserable – you'll never quite believe anything your hear ever again.

More drinking at Pleasance and then a mate had suggested we try Late n Live up at the Gilded Balloon.  So off we toddle and manage to get tickets which was brilliant, and we were treated to:

***Kitson, Andy Zaltman, David O'Doherty, Greg Davies (and Steve Hall and Pappy's Fun Club) – much hilarity ensused, resulting in the predicatable fight between Kitson and Zaltman which turned into Kitson and DOD.  Zaltman doing a stage dive and being taken out of the venue and losing a shoe, Kitson semi naked gaffer taped to a mic stand and one of Pappy's Fun Club running on naked.   Absolutely bloody brilliant night and really topped off my fringe trip, to be fair I had consumed a few (incl and excellent curry at Pleasance Dome, something or other kitchen) and the venue was damn hot, but it was just totally nuts and I couldn't have thought of a more fitting end.

Tue – Bloody train again but did kip a lot too!

Fringe Tips – Wear layers, have spare shoes, plasters, gloves, scarves and brolly at all time, if you find a cab – hail it, don't bother trying to find a cab on Princes Street on a Saturday night, get a good map (the one in the skinny is by far the best), drink too much, eat rubbish, get up and sample Edinburgh in the sunshine and  climb up Arthur's seat.

Knackered = Yes, skint = Yes, Put on weight = Yes, Doing it all again next year = most definitely.

Ok so report all done, especially for those that have msged me – if peeps want more in depth analysis/reports etc then just msg me again J

08:08 AM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment