A Letter To My Daughter
Current mood: blessed

My Dearest Little Girl,

It's hard to believe that two years has already passed since you first openned your big brown eyes and looked at me. You're eyes still carry that same expression; they said 20 different things at once. I could see how you were taking in everything, analyzing and assessing your surroundings. I can imagine seeing that same look in your eyes five, ten and even twenty years from now.

From the first moment you came into this world I felt our connection. They may have cut the umbelical cord but I still feel something linking us together. Something that never could be cut within this physical life or beyond it. Sometimes I wonder if you remember seeing me in that parking lot that day. And if you do now, I wonder whether that memory will fade away as you get older. At least I'll never forget seeing you. It was the last spring before you were conceived. I had parked on a hill at the mall near my work facing the countryside so I could read and eat my lunch. I loved observing the sky from there while I took little breaks from reading. The bright immense sky patched with puffy white clouds the size of football fields made me feel so tiny, yet at the same time I felt tantamount with the land and the sky and everything within it. That day the book I was reading was on expanding ones own memory, the part I was reading was about the studies done on babies and their memories while in utero. Reading that, and taking in my surroundings made me start thinking about myself and my fear of having a child. Suddenly it finally registered - I realized I did want to have a baby. Regardless of my fears and doubts, I never had stopped to think before about what I wanted. I wept so hard in my car that day. I cried from my soul, for my mind was finally connecting to it. My soul's voice was shouting that I wanted, even needed, to have a child. My face soaked with tears, I looked up to the bright sky and said outloud for the first time ever, "I want to have a baby!" Saying those words made me cry harder because at the same time I felt the emotional and mental obstacles. They felt like mountains that I had to overcome and deal with before I could begin my journey to motherhood.

Just then a bright image began to form in the sky where my eyes were already fixated on. Whatever it was, it was bigger then some of those massive clouds. The image came into it's full form and I realized what it was. It was a face. It was a bright outline, but it was distictly a face. Not just any face, but a face of a baby. In my spirit I knew who it was, it was the face of my first (someday to-be-born) child. It was you. I then felt you communicate to me, to my spirit. I felt you say, "I'm here waiting for you. I'm ready to be born soon." You asked me something else I felt, but I didn't realize it until only recently. You asked me to please get ready. I guess I didn't want to hear that part because I ended up putting myself through some very trying times. I'm just glad my spirit and my marriage was saved and you finally were conceived.

From the moment I knew you were inside me, I sung to you outloud at least once a day You Are My Sunshine. Partially because it was a spiritual, emotional and mental reminder of where I came from and partially for that day I saw you in the sky, as if you were my sunshine. I always sung a verse of that song differently; you now sing it the way I did to you. I changed the part "...You'll always know dear, how much I love you..." rather then it saying never. I did that as a mental reminder and as a promise to you that you will never question my love for you. That every day you will know and see my love shining on you. You will always know how happy you make me, because true and complete happiness didn't fully exist until you were born.

So on this day, my little one, I thank you for coming into my life. Whether you remember it, I will always remember how you revealed yourself to me in order to kick-start the process for you to get out here. I always thought I had a purpose but I never imagined it'd be to love you and assist you to serve yours. That, my daughter, is the greatest and most wonderful gift God could ever give to me. For that I am eternally grateful.

Happy Birthday, Pookey. I am so proud of how smart and how loving you are. How silly and how serious you can be, and how wild and calm you can change from being at times. You are the perfect balance. You are my perfect little Mia. I love you, Baby.

Love,

Mommy

10:49 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Silence!! Mommy’s Going Woo-Woo!
Current mood: dirty
Category: Life

I was slightly relieved yet shocked when I took this online survey the other day. It's through this great parenting website where I've been getting weekly developmental updates on my kids since Mia was in utero (that means when she was developing in my womb to those non-parents. My medical vocabulary expanded when I became a parent. I learned words like "preclampsia" and myelinated", and the differences between viral and bacterial infections. Also the line between paranoia and being highly concerned became very hazey). The survey asked mother's if they take longer in the bathroom on purpose, to just get a moment of peace or to relax. I was amazed to see that 79% of mother's do - including me. There were so many comments that said they thought they were the only ones - including me.

Before I had kids I used to get a moment to myself and focus on me by sitting at my craft table in my spare bedroom and a make card or just anything creative. Or I'd just turn on my music and dance around the house with no discretion. Now I've resorted to dancing along to Dora the Explorer and Yo Gabba Gabba (although I think I might even like the latter Nick Jr. show more then Mia), or hiding out in the bathroom for five or twenty minutes too long because it's the only place I can read a new magazine without interuptions or just BE without any interuptions. How I do hate when Brian occasionally stakes out in front of the bathroom with the kids whining and knocking on the door until I come out, and his answer to why is "they wanted you". Sometimes I stick around in the bathroom reading anything in there or plucking my eyebrows, that is if Brian is home. It has sadly become a "treat" to myself because all day I use the restroom with the door open and/or with at least one other person inside with me.

It's not like I resent my life and NEVER would I feel that way towards my children. I wouldn't change my life for anything. It's just those things that I used to have and took advantage of are now replaced with the realities of motherhood.

So, on that note, this is my list of Top Ten (in no particular order):

Things That Have Changed/Are Different Since I Became A Mother

1) An "all nighter" is now defined as being up all night with temperatures, crying, extracting mucus, and/or cleaning up vomit and/or diarrhea.

2) "4:20" now means it has gotten WAY late for my daughter's naptime. And how I wish it still meant the other...Shall I mention that I quietly cried at 4:20pm on 4/20/06, '07 & '08? Give me a minute, I think I'm choking up again.....and not how I would like to be...(SOB)

3) "Do you take dictation?" is not a question asked in a job interview but it's something that I may ask my husband followed by, " 'cuz that's the only way you function around here!!" Yeah, pretty brutal. But you see how nice you are after having to tell him exactly how to "help" and what steps are next, as if he's not here EVERY SINGLE EVENING for dinner and bedtime!

4) A get-away for me is a shower lasting more then five minutes or just being in the bathroom - alone.

5) For two years I've been sticking stuff in my bra everyday to keep them from leaking threw my clothes, when I should be sticking something in my bra to make them appear more perky.

6) Having two babies within 2 years appears to have made my ass widen even more yet still manage to push all the way in that it disappeared in the rear and reappeared in the front at my lower abdomen.

7) Remembering to pull down my shirt before answering the door because I was nursing, apposed to because I was getting intimate.

8) Wearing something because it will camouflage stains rather then because it looks nice.

9) Walking through a mall or department store without stares and comments like, "Wow, is that a stroller-limosine?" or "That stroller's a commuter one" or "Boy, you got your hands full!" As if no one has ever seen a two-seater stroller before or two children close in age. I sometimes feel like saying, " What the HELL?! I'm not freakin' Jon And Kate Plus Eight, nimrod!! These two were planned - were you??"

10) Falling asleep sitting up with one boob hanging out of my shirt because I was (exhausted and) nursing, rather because I was drunk.

I would add more to the list but I'm too fatigued and I have to take a shower. Shower's at 2am - that's another thing that's different now!!

I'm taking Mia to Gymboree tomorrow to try out the Play and Learn class. She also is trying out the art class and music class in the next few weeks. Whichever one she enjoys more we'll enroll her for a few months. It's a birthday gift from Mimi, her grandma in Texas. I can't wait to see how much she enjoys this new experience! By the way, my baby girl is turning 2 on the 2nd!!

-Debbie

Currently listening : Stateless By Stateless Release date: 2007-06-19

8:04 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear Hiring Manager: Hire Me If You’re Not Stupid
Current mood: eccentric
Category: Life

Since when does applying for a job take four hours on the computer?  I guess it's when the husband is watching the kids but needing you for every little thing and lets the kids wander in the bedroom every 10 minutes to see what mommy is doing.  I must have taken 25 breaks today to change diapers, nurse, serve lunch, pump, find a binky, shoo a fly, clean off some mocos (boogers), naptime (unfortunately not my own), take a call, make a call and check something online for Brian. That's not mentioning the several reprints I had to do of an application page because a little one decided to pick up the pen and practice her circles on it. WHO still has you fill out applications anyways??! I'm not applying at McDonald's! My resume, cover letter an even letters of reference say it all for you already!! It's just so...primative! Even the cavemen couldn't etch on stone in a little box all of their qualifications. "Me make flame, me hunt and gath...son of a Ug! Me run out of room!"  It's just pointless.

As you may already know, or noticed, that I'm going back to work. I can't believe it's almost been a year since I've been home. For those that may think it's been a vacation, I'll gladly sit back and observe them as they watch my two little handfuls. Sure there are moments and brief sensations of laid-backedness, but as soon as you let that guard down you got one with a black crayon against a white wall and the other pouring milk in their ear (no, literally. She put's the cup of milk to her ear as if to hear the ocean but she says she hears cows instead. A quick one is she). And as soon as you take away the crayon the other is tugging on cords plugged into the wall while the other is chewing on a sole of a dirty shoe. Forget getting other choirs done too. I got three baskets of clothes staring at my back as I'm type this. Okay, sure, the kids are asleep and I can be folding them right now..I need ME time, okay?

Back to the work subject - both of us are actually looking for work right now. Brian recently got laid off from his job along with all the other 1,100 employees. It wasn't  too much of a surprise after a year of rumors. One of my sisters happened to work there too. Brian got his two months pay and a little severence, so we're just staying hopeful that he finds something soon. I have faith that we both will. He also has the option of going back to school for two years, fully paid, with unemployment pay for those two years but unfortunately we need that medical insurance. Then again you never know what part-time position I might find that includes benefits. I suppose everything is up in the air right now. Maybe that's why I'm breaking out. I'm such a control freak that it's hard to not know what's coming next. And the order of how all the cards are layed is dependent on how that first card lands. I want to see that first card already!

I am ready to go back to work actually. It'd be nice to use that part of my brain again and make enough money to buy myself an article of clothing occasionally.  I really do think my closet is full of "mom" clothes now. My kids flip out when I just wear lipstick. At least it's a good flip out. And when I wear a dress, forget about it. Their looking passed me to see where their mommy went. It'd be nice to have some outside interaction of my own then the usual morning conversation of which Sprout or Nick Jr. show on Demand is available to watch. Although I'm sure my heart will be aching for those wet drooly slobber kisses on my face and sticky fingered hugs as soon as I'm working.

Okay, I'm giving in to the laundry. Maybe I'll be a 1950's wife and put on some heels and a dress as I do housechoirs. And maybe I'll have Mr. Cleaver kiss my bunion as Beaver's mom and I leave to find real jobs and go shopping. No, really, I don't have a bunion! Still imagine me with pretty feet wearing pretty heels - the imagination is all that is left aside from my reality of now flip-flops and flats...and an aching foot that FEELS like a bunion.  The other day someone showed me their foot. They said, "you don't have a bunion, it's smoothe and straight. My foot used to hurt like your's actually. Now it doesn't hurt anymore!" Then she lifted her bare foot for me to see - and it was a bunion!!! AAAHHH! This is my future!!

~Debbie 

Oh and by the way, the song that I listed that I'm "listening to" is really just RINGING IN MY FREAKING HEAD!!!!!

Currently listening : Caillou’s Favorite Songs By Caillou Release date: 2003-02-25

10:52 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Birthday Wishes
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Life

I don't know if I'm getting insomnia or I'm just addicted to being up late. Maybe I stay awake this late because this is the only time that the house is quiet and still and I can finally hear myself think...too bad I'm too tired to listen to all of my thoughts!

There is one main thought on my mind right now, and it's my niece Amanda. She's turning 18 today and it saddens me that I'm not there to celebrate this milestone in her life. My daughter turns two next month and I keep remembering things about Amanda when she was her age, how advanced she was for her age. As I see in Mia, she was always questioning things and was very observant from the start. From the moment she started talking she never stopped; her voice always a comfort to hear.  It'd be impossible to count how many times she made me smile, how many laughs she gave me and at the same time how many scoldings and lectures I gave her throughout the years. It's funny because I can almost mark the day when those lectures and even arguements we had suddenely turned into warnings that then evolved into advise and suggestions. There might have been times in the past that I was hard on her, but I know it was because from the moment she looked at me that she had something so special. She was this ball of sunshine that nothing could ever shadow or hold back that light.

So even though this is the age where someone like me should give this great advise about life and reaching adulthood, I'm not going to do that. Only because I have shared so much of my own life experiences, knowledge and wisdom with Amanda that she's already got it absorbed. She knows that a person is never too young, or old, to learn from others since it's been something that she's been doing since before she could wipe her own butt. (Although the next vital step is using those things that she has learned and implimenting them in her own life, which I do see her doing in ways already.)

But of course since it is Amanda's birthday I do have to share a poem. Unfortunately it's not my own since time and lack of sleep (same difference really) did not allow me to create one for her. Actually this one may even say it better then I could. So here you go, Amanda:

Welcome Me, Adulthood
By: Christina Cooper

Welcome me Adulthood, I have ventured
Through childhood with all the wonders and dangers in it.

I have placed my childhood fantasies aside,
And picked up hopes of becoming who I want to be.

Embrace me knowledge,
I am ready to know more and add to what I know already.
I have conquered my fear of the night,
Now I only fear of becoming nothing.
I have stopped pretending to be what I thought I was going to be,
And realized that I am only what I make of myself.

I have come down from the land of make-believe,
And I have found the strength to believe in me.
So when I come upon you, open your arms,
And welcome me, Adulthood,
For I am headed your way.

Happy 18th Birthday my dearest Amanda. I love you and I'm sorry I gave you chicken pox when you were three. And it really wasn't my fault you choked on a peppermint. You pulled it out of your Polly Pocket case so quick and continued telling me your story I didn't have a chance to put my paint brush down. At least I got to see a really cute paramedic - Hey, I was 16!

-Debbie (Aka. Auntie, 2nd mom, friend)

10:35 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Back To Work
Current mood: hopeful

It's been decided, I'm going back to work. Well, that is as soon as I find a job. It will be difficult to be away from Mia and Micah but at least I'll only have to work part-time. My mom has agreed to watch the kids if I find an early shift. I don't want to take them to daycare since I'll be just working to pay for it and you never know how well they are caring for the children anyway. I didn't have a great experience with Mia when I had a sitter for 5 months.

I had an interview today and I have no clue how well it went. I'm trying not to go over it too much in my head. All I know is that it's so ideal for me. I really want it!

Okay, guess I have to catch up later. I have Micah on my lap waving at the computer and shaking his leg impatiently.

~Debbie

6:12 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

BBF Poem
Current mood: contemplative

It's been awhile since my last entry and there is so much to catch up on. But instead, since it's a very special day, I want to share something I wrote not to long ago. I wrote these words under my sons nite light, and when I was through scribbling out the rhymes that were ringing in my head I realized that they had been trapped inside my heart for a long time.

I don't have a title for this...so..here's to you:

The first time I met her she kicked me on my butt,

I suddenly knew it was true (friendship) love -  I felt it in my gut.

We used to joke about how we'd talk when we grew old with one another,

Now it hurts me to recall that she wasn't there when I first became a mother.

She was there for many milestones and triumphs and through a spiritual awakening,

then I turned on the closest person to my heart - my actions were quite sickening.

I hurt this true Cancer and she kicked me out of her shell,

it's hard to view her from the outside but as a friend to her I did fail.

Years have passed and our lives have changed in so many ways,

yet inside my heart where a piece is missing it feels like time has frozen- as if she's only been gone a few days.

How do I tell her that I miss her like crazy?

How do I tell her she's been the greatest friend in my life that it used to amaze me?

How do I convince her to let me back in from across the land?

How do I tell her that I miss our air-band?

It truely makes me sad and jealous that I've probably been replaced,

and even if I tried I know I can't replace her - it's the reality I've faced.

If I sound strange to you then I know you haven't connected with someone like this at all,

because connections like this are truely rare....I really do miss my Mall.

Happy Birthday, Mall.  I love you and wish you all the best.

-Debbie

6:24 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

364 More Days Until I Get Recognition Again!
Current mood: loved

This past week was a great week of first's. It was a nice reminder of how wonderful it is to be Mia and Micah's Mommy.  Some of the firsts is that Micah started cereal, his first tooth popped up and Mia drank out of a cup completely on her own (and without a big mess). Mia had (soy) chocolate milk for the first time too but that was more of an incentive for her to drink carefully out of the cup and not want to spill a drop.  I've never seen someone drink 1 1/2 oz's of liquid so painfully slow in my life; but that was because she was savoring it. The biggest first I have to say though is that Mia finally peed in her potty!  Yeah, who the hell knew that someday I would be overjoyed over someone else urinating.  And believe me, I would have taken a picture too but I had to act quickly and dispose of it before it was all over the house. I'll just have to wait for the first poopie. Don't worry, I won't post the picture. I'll save the torture for Mia when she's (35) and flipping through her baby book with her fiance...

My second celebrated Mother's Day in history was wonderful. I didn't get breakfast in bed but it's impossible anyway with a toddler wanting Mommy's attention and a baby attached at the breast. Brian did get me beautiful roses. He also got me Starbucks, a movie (of my own taste), food, dessert, a necklace and get this - a nap! It might have only been for 15 minutes on the couch with the kids in the background screaming and crying (literally) but I felt refreshed and that was all I needed.  I couldn't have had a better Mother's Day with the two people that made me one and the one person that helped me become one.

On that note, in celebration of Mother's Day (Week), here is a Top Five list for:

Five Things Motherhood Has Taught Me:

1) Patience. God knows I didn't have much of it before my first born came along. I've come a long way, although I still probably have a ways to go. Especially towards Brian. And my mom. And the mail carrier. And republicans...but that's another subject.

2) That the innocence of a child could bend steel. I find it so amazing and it touches me so deeply to see Brian pray over his children. We've come a long way from our big debates on religion and believes and still have far to go. Yet the one thing that I know Brian does feel in his heart is true, now more that he has children, is the power in faith and prayer. It also moves me to see my own dad, Mr. Macho (repectively) vietnam veteran, coloring on the floor with my daughter and playing dollhouse with her.

3) A long hot bath would probably relax  and destressitize me, but my ass won't meet the bottom of the tub until many year from now. That is unless I've fallen in during my struggle to wash Mia's hair.

4) I will never go a day without worry for the rest if my entire life, and I'm actually okay with that.

5) Love is an infinite, boundless, immeasurable thing. It's more than an action, more that any one word or many pages could decribe. The best I could is by saying Love is Life. Life is Love. Love is my Children. My Children is Life.

And also... 

Five Things My Children Have Taught Me:

1) I can do my "business" in the bathroom with an audience of two. Not to mention that one likes to dictate what I do, ("Mamma toot").

2) You're never to old to play, dance or sing. I love watching my daughter move and dance in the different ways that she learned by watching me, or sing the silly songs that I made up for her and sung to her since a little baby. ("Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your rattle, and your booty...")

3) That I'm an artist. No matter how badly the frog I drew for her looks like an upside down butt with gigantic lips or the dog has a gimpy leg, my children are estatic and just pleased that I made something for them. You can draw a hot dog with pointed ears, whiskers and a tail and they'll recognize that it's a cat. Somehow they're born with that gift. I suppose it's because they start off drawing that way too.

4) Selflessness.  Their happiness is my happiness. The oddest thing to me is that buying clothes for them is just as enjoyable as it is buying clothes for myself. It's the strangest thing!

5) I want to be the best person that I can be, in order to allow them be their best and reach their full potential. I want them to serve their purposes for being on this earth, because I know they have many.  One little one is showing me what real and pure love is. I realize that this is probably how God feels towards us. He must in order to give us this beautiful life, this wonderful planet and to experience love for ourselves.

Make sure you spread your love (and no, I don't mean it in that dirty way) and show those special ones in your life that you love them.  Especially those that pushed you out into this world. Make sure you express to them often.

~Debbie

1:58 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Yellow Is The New White
Current mood: ninja
Category: Writing and Poetry

They should have more "real" people as spokepersons for teeth whitening strips - people like me!

In another (much related) matter, my daughter has learned her colors and several shapes. Mia finds excitement in pointing out the colors and shapes of objects she sees around her. One afternoon as I was cleaning off her entire body from lunch, Mia was pointing out the colors of the remnants of her food. As I stood her up to take her out of the high chair she pointed to my teeth and stated one of the most horrifying words: "YELLOW!"  As her eyes gleamed with innocense and content with her (now dirty and evil) game, I heard the shreak and sobbing inside me from the last morsel remaining of the attractive young lady that once resided on the outside.  A part of me wanted to laugh because if I heard any toddler say that to someone I would be rolling on the floor. So as I held in my tears, squeezed out a smile, I tried not to let my voice crack as I said, "Yes, Baby, Mommy's teeth are yellow."

Needless to say 15 minutes later I was strolling my children down the isles of Target hunting for whitening strips. Which reminds me, they really should put shock absorbers on their shopping carts. Children start to get tossed about once you go passed a jog. So I have observed....

The Crest Whitening Strips have worked great though. After a few uses it starts to feel like it's burned off a few layers of the enamel but I suppose it's the price to pay for sanity (or beauty - same thing). I also wouldn't want my daughter under the wrong impression that yellow is the correct color of teeth. I wouldn't want her discovering the truth in public. ("Hey! You're teeth are white! They're not yellow like my Mommy's!") If that happened I would have to resort to "Emergency Mode" and poop my pants to distract the attention from my teeth. Hey maybe that's why Tyra Banks allegedly crapped her pants at a fashion show recently. She was trying to distract the attention from her forehead. But that's another subject.

Thank God the case of the yellow teeth is pretty much over now. I didn't want to resort to giving up my Mom-fuel (aka. coffee). That would be an abomination.

Now if we can only somewhat skip the toddler phase when they repeat what they hear. When Mia says "Hold your horses" or calls Brian "Honey" it's adorable, yet I don't think "don't put your peepee on the carpet, Brother" would really fly in public. I can only use Emergency Mode so much before they catch on.

~Debbie

3:08 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Blurred Vision Gives More Insight
Current mood: focused
Category: Life

Thank GOD my pink-eye is GONE! I've been battling this infection for almost a month now. It's embarrassing to admit but I have to share my relief. I can't believe that something like this can push me down into almost a depressive state. You can say that this experience was an "eye openner" for me. Hee hee, yeah that was cheesy....

My kids got sick a month ago with viral conjuctivitis when we came back from Washington for a family funeral. It was pretty much the flu with red, swollen, goopey and watery eyes as a symptom. It feels so horrible to see your children sick, not feeling well and on top of that stuggling to see. I soon got the virus and one eye looked like I busted a blood vessel. The virus soon left but, lucky me, it turned into a bacterial infection. Who knew you could get pink-eye from a left over virus - I'm used to contracting it from elevator buttons!

Well this stupid infection never seemed to fully go away. Since I'm nursing I think the ointment I used was so weak it made it take longer and started to irritate my eye. Three doctor visits later I'm (finally) cured. Although everytime I put on the ointment and it blurred my vision it made me think about my daughter Mia's condition more and what she probably feels daily.

As you can tell Mia wears glasses. Since she was around 6/7 months we noticed that her left eye wandered at times. We thought it could be Strabismus (lazy eye) which Brian's niece had as well. It wasn't too scary since we've become familiar with the condition and knew that a surgery or two and therapy would correct it. When Mia was a year old, and Brian's medical kicked in, we took Mia to her first eye appointment. Unfortunately it wasn't something as "simple" as lazy eye. Turns out Mia has a myelinated retinal nerve fiber layer. Which in people terms means that the tissue that surround and protect the nerves that go into the eye also grew into the eye. The tissue is suppose to stop at the eye but for Mia it continued into the back of her left eye. So Mia sees everything through this cloudy, blurry tissue. It didn't help when the two specialists said they never have seen this condition as advanced. Sadly there can't be anything done to correct it - aside from faith and prayer. In addition to Mia's myelinated retinal nerve fiber layer (that's a mouthful! Or should I say...EYEful?), her vision is very bad in that left eye. Her presciption is stronger than Brian's, and if you know him you know that his glasses are pretty thick.  It must be so hard to battle everyday with two eyes that see differently.

In the meantime, we have to continue Mia's vision therapy and patch her right eye in order to make her left eye strong so both eyes can work together. Otherwise her left eye may become weak and she can fully lose her sight in that eye. Mia's glasses are just a fraction of her presciption since wearing one lense will actually be bad for both eyes. The only alternative that we have come to now is for Mia to wear one contact. (Can you believe that there are babies younger then her that wear contacts??) 

I know this is our only choice to help Mia but I'm scared. I'm just scared for the time when I'm home alone with the kids and Mia gets something in her eye and I have to struggle with her to hurry and take her contact out. The contact will be extended wear, for 3 to 4 weeks at one time, yet I already don't look foward to putting them on and off on a 1 1/2 year old that would hardly understand why we're doing this to her.

I came to a few conclusions that may help the process. We're going to get Brian contacts again, even if we can't afford it. If she sees her daddy putting on and off his contacts and not needing to wear his glasses it might encourage her to wear hers. It still is a stuggle at times to keep her glasses on especially when she is tired or eating. I'm also going to make her a rhyming book about her and the whole process. Mia LOVES books. She wants to read badly. It seems like the books that I've gotten her that relate to situations (doctor visits, using a potty, etc.) ease her into the situation better. And who know's, maybe when I'm done with the book it might ease my own self into persuing to get it published or writing another one I have in my head.

I let you know how it goes.

The kids are up from their naps! That's my que!

~Debbie

P.S. Okay, I HAVE to boast a little. Mia recognized a new word as of last night, "Help". So far she knows: Cat, Dog, Baby, Mia and You. She'll be reading soon enough!

2:22 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m Right Here!

It's hard to believe that almost 6 months has passed by.  I finally took a longer glance at the calendar in my bedroom and noticed the month it was set on - November 2007. I asked Brian what the hell happened; it's as if time fast forwarded when I popped out Micah. I sit under that calendar every morning too to nurse Micah and I never really noticed it. I'm sure HE noticed it though. God knows I stuggle with that boy sometimes because he wants to see where he's at and who's around.

I suppose I don't notice alot of things now that I am a full-time mom of a 20 month old and a (almost) 6 month old.  For example, how I hardly noticed it's been a year since I've gotten a haircut. That I'm still wearing some items that fit me during my third trimester.  I barely notice that I'm saving us money because I'm not going through replacement shavers as often. I also hardly notice that I clog the drain when I shave my legs because it's been a few months in between.  Okay, maybe I should have kept that one to myself (as my husband shakes his head in shame knowing that I'm not exagerating). My point is, and yes there is one, is that I'm beginning to feel like I'm losing myself.  I'm forgetting about Debbie and who she is and what she was like before kids. 

I LOVE being home with my children and sharing their experiences and teaching them new things every day. I never do or would resent my babies for any reason. But lately I've been feeling like pieces of my individual self is desolving. Like this light that I have shining inside that makes me feel like me is fading, as if someone leaned up against the dimmer...So after some much needed writing in my journal in my private office (aka. the bathroom - hey, if the husbands home that the only door I can lock without interruptions), I realized I was misusing my "self" time. Even if it was 5 or 20 minutes a day I got, I was using it to read, write or make something that has to fully do with the kids. I wasn't really giving myself an outlet.  It really is important to be selfish sometimes. How else are my children going to learn self-worth anyway? Needless to say, this is why I'm going to start blogging again. Right now I don't have much time to create, as in making cards or painting, but at least I can share and release. When Brian gets home from work there is hardly enough time to share with him what's new with the kids let alone get in some sentences of what's on my mind. Plus I have this need inside me to share with more then one person of what's going on in my head. We'll see where it takes me.  In the meantime, I hope I get to share often with you and I can help you by relating to someone or inspire you (maybe even just to stay single or have only one kid) or just make you smile.

Keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for me that I'll be back soon! I NEED to be back soon.....preferrably not at 3:30 in the morning, but I'll take what I can get.

-Debbie

12:43 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment