Witz Pickz: The Monday Melange
Category: Life

I used to think that the word "melange" meant, "ruining food by adding cauliflower or peaches to it" i.e. Vegetable Melange or Jell-O Melange. After consulting the online dictionary, however, I found out it just means "a mixture!" So here you go, a Monday Melange:

Nature's Valley Sweet & Salty Nut Granola Bar: I realized I haven't picked food in a while-- ever since I realized I picked a lot of food and it kinda made me sound like a fatty. Luckily, I bought these little faux candy bars and I'm pleased to say they aren't horrible. Packed with almonds, peanuts, granola, sugary, caramel-like icing, and topped with a little saltiness, it's the perfect combination of sweet and salty and kinda does the trick. Especially if you eat five of them. Now let's get to the good part: they're called the SWEET AND SALTY NUT BAR!

"What do you call five post-competition athletes lined up on Valentine's Day?"
"A SWEET AND SALTY NUT BAR!"

Yeah. That just happened. Anyway, this is the second best nut product since I saw Uncle Jesse's Roasted Nuts in a deli in Brooklyn and immediately went home to google, "John Stamos."

Eating Right Cheese Ravioli: On the opposite side of the spectrum is Eating Right's Cheese Ravioli. It's not that they don't taste good, it's that, like the nut bar, the portions are absurd. Never in my life have I thought, "This ravioli is so good I could eat SIX of them!" It's more like, "This ravioli is either good or decent, or mediocre at best, and I could eat FIFTEEN TO THIRTY OF THEM." We're not talkin' jumbo ravioli here-- we're talking regular, perhaps undersized ravioli. When I finished eating my six ravioli (raviolis? Are they like "moose?"), I looked at my plate and seriously thought for the first time in my life, "Maybe I'll drink the sauce." HUNGRY.

Then there was the physical appearance. When I first took the dish out of the microwave, the ravioli looked like it grew up by Chernobyl. Like, it chose the wrong date to time travel back to Nagasaki. Like it advised Robert The Bruce to betray Braveheart. This was mildly decreased by mixing it with the sauce, but it still left an impression on my mind that concerned me. I think ultimately, it comes down to the fact that "Eating Right" really means, "Eating Little." And that's not how I roll. That sounded fat, didn't it?

Babel:
Holy crap! Babel was TERRIBLE! I even went into the movie saying, "Everyone who saw this said it was terrible" and it was STILL TERRIBLE! It wasn't poorly shot, or poorly directed, or poorly acted, or anything like that-- it was simply entirely extraneous. It was like Crash, but without the parts that gave it a point. The previews led me to believe that the themes of the film were language and culture and how there are so many differen languages and cultures and they don't relate or interract or blend together-- how we are a whole mess of people on this planet trying to live together, or something like that. But that wasn't the case at all. Language was certainly present, but it wasn't a problem. In the previews, Brad Pitt was heard shouting, "Doesn't anybody here speak English?!" and in the film, the answer is, "Yes! Most of us do! What can we help you with?" Language is rarely an obstacle. Even the deaf mute girl in Japan has deaf mute friends that she can talk to, and a pad that she can write on which people easily read. She doesn't do a great job of expressing herself and being accepted, but that's not really because of language, and her Mom killed herself, so there's a lot goin' on there. Culturally, the only REAL conflict comes from the Mexican/US border and immigration laws. It shows a lot of people being assholes, but it mostly just shows one example of an underlying social/cultural/political issue. Oh, and maybe don't let your insane and drunken nephew drive you and your white, out-of-country without parents permission children you nanny for, over the border at like 2am. Just a thought.

In the end, I had no idea why the movie needed to made, and while I see how it could have tricked a lot of people into thinking it was a good film, I strongly believe I can back up my argument of it's lack of necessity with a few witty quips and cursory thematic examination.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall:
I couldn't think of anything else to do with a beautiful Saturday afternoon, so the gal and I went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. As she said, "I didn't see you laugh for the first 3/4 of the movie and I got worried," but there were some key moments and jokes that hit hard and left me laughing for a while. I'm a big Jason Segel fan from the Freaks & Geeks, Undeclared, and Slackers days, even though I still spell his name either S-E-G-U-L or S-E-G-A-L most of the time. So I was happy to support his efforts. Plus, who can pass up a bit part by Jonah Hill? Or Paul Rudd for that matter? In fact, this movie was packed with television "stars" playing tiny roles that screamed, "I got hooked up by my friend." The creepy looking guy from SNL was in it, Kristen Bell played Sarah Marshall, the girl who I hated, but now don't hate from That 70's Show is in it, along with Russell Brand as her new boyfriend. Kenneth, from 30 Rock, is on his honeymoon. The list goes on...and even includes a Baldwin brother. So while it wasn't the funniest movie out there, it had some saturday afternoon laughs, and I felt good about seeing it. Even with all the penis shots. Of which there were many.

Cauliflower:
Don't like it. Don't wanna like it. Not even sure it's really a food. Why are you so certain it is?

Peaches:
I like peaches by themselves, but people insist on putting them in my cottage cheese, yogurt, and jello. Like, if I had a plate with peaches and a bowl with cottage cheese, yogurt, or jello, some wise ass walking by would stop, take the peach, and drop it into my bowl, as if he just performed a magic trick that would change my life. Awful.

Consider Yourself Melanged,
Witz

10:48 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Witz Pickz: The Difference Between Jewish, Christian, and National Holidays
Category: Life

I was thinking the other day what to say to somebody on Passover. I was finishing up an email to someone I don't talk to all that often and I knew I wouldn't talk to again before the High Holiday, so I wanted to throw it in there at the end. Only, I didn't know what to write. For holidays like Christmas or Easter, or a birthday, or the Fourth of July, I feel comfortable writing "Merry," or "Happy," or "Drunken," but it just doesn't seem right for Passover.

My Brooklyn Buddy brought this up completely separately in a conversation today, asking what you say to people on Passover. I still don't know, but I gave him the same answer that I used at the bottom of my email to that friend, "Happy Passover-- way to not get slain..." Obviously, the "Happy" doesn't quite work. I mean, Passover is a holiday celebrating the Jews exodus from Egypt and slavery-- but it's ALSO a holiday where we celebrate the fact that God punished the Pharaoh and PASSED OVER all the Jews' houses, sparing their firstborns. These houses were denoted by having lamb's blood X'd on their door. Here's my joke about that-- "Do you think that when God looked down on Passover, he thought all the Jews were saying, 'HUGS!'"? Thinking about it now, I imagine Passover is not a big holiday amongst lambs, and is probably know as like, "The great lamb holocaust." I bet if you heard a lamb talking they'd said, "Those humans are horrific-- they deny the great lamb holocaust ever happened!"

Back to the firstborns. I realized that Passover is the same as many Jewish holidays. Unlike Christian holidays like Christmas that celebrates the birth of the savior, or Easter, that celebrates the death BUT then return of the savior (aka Zombie Jesus), Judaism tends to celebrate the "Whew-- close call," moments. Passover is really, "Whew-- close call, but we made it out of slavery and our first borns are still intact. Now let's all eat our sheets upon sheets of bland crackers." Think about it. What's Channukah? "Whew-- that oil almost ran out, but then it lasted longer than we first anticipated....Here are some socks." Sukkot is like, "Whew-- nothing horrible has happened in a while. Let's all go on a pilgrimage and then bang in outdoor shacks."

It's an entirely different way of looking at holidays, and while some aspects are certainly positive (the freedom thing, the l'chaim, to life, aspect, victory from extermination (Purim), it always seems to come down to VICTORY FROM FREAKING EXERMINATION! I mean, how cheery can you be about that? Remember when we were almost COMPLETELY WIPED FROM THE EARTH BY OUR ENEMIES? Whew-- good think we've got FIGS. Our national holidays are sometimes based on the same principals, but with that patriotic, go USA twist. All our holidays are "Sure, but" holidays. Like how Martin Luther King Day is, "Sure, one of our own racist citizens shot MLK, Jr., but he made great strides for civil rights!" Or "Sure, the British attacked us and ravaged our countryside and killed Americans of all ages, but WE WON!" Or Columbus Day which is like, "Sure Columbus was apparently a bigotted murdered who DIDN'T actually discover America first, but....he had a cool hat!"

I don't think one way of thinking is any better than the other, but it seemed interesting to note. To you Jews out there, "Whew-- way to not get slain..." to you non-Jews out there, "Happy Weekend," and to you Americans (because WitzPickz IS international according to Google Analytics), "Sure, we have to work five more days next week and the week after and on and on until we are old and arthritic, but we get TWO DAYS OFF!"

Is Zombie Jesus vs. Zombie Average Joe a Fair Fight, Or Does Jesus STILL Have the Edge?,
Witz

10:47 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Witz DOESN’T Pick: April Fool’s Day
Category: Life

I didn't want to write this on April 1st because you might have thought I was kidding. Now get ready, because this might be the most conservative rant I ever go on.

I cannot believe that we still have April Fool's Day in our country. When we're at war or in conflicts around the world, when we are working 40 hour work weeks, when inflation, the economy, gas prices, scandal, and fraud are rampant. When children are getting stress disorders from trying to get the best grades and go to the best college to get the best jobs. When the media covers Ashlee Simpson's dog more than they cover actual news. When Presidential candidates and made and destroyed by mass media. We STILL have April Fool's Day. Does that make any sense to anyone?

And it wouldn't be a big deal if it was just like, goofy little things here and there. Only I can't really think of a single decent April Fool's joke that isn't stressful or potentially harmful to someone. Maybe it's the fact that I don't think the average person knows what the date is every morning when they wake up. I certainly don't. Fake headlines, fake policies, fake search results, they might be funny if I was like, "April Fool's Day, April Fool's Day, April Fool's Day." But I'm not. I'm like, "What the fuck??? THEY CAN'T DO THAT! THIS ISN'T WHAT I SEARCHED FOR!" until finally somebody mentions that it's April Fool's Day (and not just April 1st, which I still might not catch) and it all makes sense, until I realize that the headlines still aren't jokes.

For as long as I can remember, teachers would pull the fake test gag on 4/1. Come into class, and without a doubt you'd get the, "Ok, everybody ready for the test?" or, "Please turn in your papers," or, "Did everyone like the book last night?" WTF?? Do we really need to put our already overstressed, and sometimes underachieving students through that? I have had heartburn almost 24/7 for the last few weeks (except when I took Prilosec OTC). I know that most of that has to do with watching the Red Sox, losing close soccer games I played in, worrying about having a job, healthcare, housing, etc. BUT some of it has to come from a series of "Oh shit" moments like that. Because sometimes I DID forget the paper, or the reading, or the test, or the book in my locker, or my shoes for soccer practice, or that there was an assembly I needed to dress up for, or that I was supposed to pick someone up that morning or drive home that night. I've forgotten to buy the milk when I went to the store to buy the milk. So nobody needs ANOTHER "Oh Shit" moment courtesy of their teachers on April Fool's Day.

The example that got me this year was google. On the gmail home page, there was a fake feature that said you could now date your emails whatever you wanted. So if you forgot a birthday, you could send an email that said it was sent two days ago, before you forgot. Not remembering that it was 4/1, and not even thinking that GMAIL would try and TRICK ME, I went through a whole little rant in my head about how bullshit that was and how awful our culture is, blah blah blah, until someone said that it was a joke (thankfully before I said anything out loud and looked like a real asshole. That's what they should call it. April Make People Look Like Real Assholes Day). And I know it wasn't a big deal, but we live in a time when people write letters to company's about really insignificant stuff. People get worked up about effective and useful systems or policies. Do we need a day that provides more fodder?

"Dave, you got that big legal report ready, right?"
"WHAT? OH GOD! Am I fired and my family doomed to poverty??"
"Nope, April Fool's!"
"holy crap."

"Lisa, nice tits!"
"What?"
"April Fool's! What an idiot!"
"That's still sexual harassment..."

"Susan, remove the right kidney,"
"I thought it was the left..."
"No, it's the right."
"It is?"
"Nope! April Fool's!"
"I think the patient just bled out."

"The New York Times Reports that America is entering a massive recession and gas prices will continue to rise, global warming will continue to heat the oceans, and the Democratic Party will devour itself allowing McCain to be elected President and appoint judges who will overturn Roe v. Wade!"
"........"
"........"
"......."

...................(like on the Sopranos finale),
Witz

10:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Witz Pickz: The Weekly Idiots
Category: Life

This isn't a new feature on the site so much as the doom of our society. In the last week, I've been confronted with multiple instances of idiocy, both equally amusing and horrifying.

Thanks to one of my friends up in Seattle, this article was brought to my attention. Apparently, Yahoo! News did an in depth report and discovered via the polls that race is playing a role in the upcoming election-- but it's not what you'd think-- no, you see thanks to this poll, Yahoo! News reports with their headline, "Race helps Clinton with whites!" Yes, folks, being WHITE is helping Clinton gain WHITE support! I know, I know, let's all take a minute to breath and soak that in and try and understand that this ISN'T an article from The Onion.

Apparently, Yahoo was having a slow news day and pumped out this riveting gem. Here's the statement of the century, "Whites who said race was important in picking their candidate have been about twice as likely to back Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton as Sen. Barack Obama." SO we're not just talking about whites here-- we're talking about RACISTS. Because what is a racist if not a person of one ethnicity that bases important decisions on race? So the headline ought to read, "Racists more likely to vote for white candidate." ASTOUNDING! "Men more likely to have penises!" "Vomiting deemed unpleasant!" "Homeless people not amped about running marathons!" Then there's this bit of insight: "Whites who say they discounted race also leaned toward Clinton, though by more modest margins," which is like saying, "Racists smart enough not to admit to being racist show signs of racism." Fortunately, that line was overshadowed by the blunt glory of the statement that Obama, "leads overwhelmingly with blacks." I'm not even gonna say anything, I think Yahoo! News beat me to the punch.

There was one paragraph in particular that made me wonder if this was a news article or a report written by a teenager who had already decided upon his thesis before looking at the facts. Like if I tried to write a paper called, "Does fried food make us fatter?" or "Who's Better At Dunking? Whites or Blacks?" In this expert journalism, they use the facts to shed some light on a certain geographic and socio-economic region of our country:

"In the exit polls, whites saying they considered the candidate's race were likelier to be from the South and rural areas, less educated, lower earning and older. That's consistent with voting so far, in which Obama has done better among whites with more education and higher incomes, especially men."

No way, the South is racist? Poor, white people are LESS likely to vote for Obama? It makes me wonder if they even researched this story or if they just had Jimmy the Intern hop on Microsoft Word and pump out some filler. Horrific.



And that one story would have been enough for me for the week, except while flipping channels, I landed momentarily on a game show-- possibly 1 v 100, but I'm not positive. I tuned in as the guy was going for a medium level question and was clearly having some trouble. "In the famous Abbott & Costello bit, 'Who's On First,' which player is at First Base? a) What b) Who c) How?"
..........
.........
........
THE MAN DIDN'T KNOW! Fine. Ok. So maybe one of you are reading and don't know the skit and maybe you, too, are illiterate and stumbled upon the site because when you space out, the dots form the image of a penguin Magic Eye style. Well, this guy didn't know the answer to WHO'S ON FIRST and felt it was necessary to eliminate one of the options. The man used a lifeline. "How" was gonesies. So now this dude is staring at two options to the question WHO'S ON FIRST? a) What or b) Who. He hesitates only momentarily before declaring..."I'd like to poll the group." Yep. He used his other lifeline. He asked the horde or the mass or whatever they're called to see how many people thought it was "Who." Almost more shocking (although maybe there's some strategy in it), only 85% of the group said the answer was "Who." Now, for anyone reading who might be a little slow or feel they are missing something integral to this story, the name of the sketch is WHO'S ON FIRST. WHO is FUCKING on FIRST. There wouldn't be a JOKE if WHO was not on FIRST. If WHO WASN'T on FIRST, the joke would go,

"Who's on first?"
"Nick Johnson."
"Oh, cool, haven't seen him in a while..."
"Yeah, he broke his leg."
"Ouch."
"Yep."

AND THAT'S NOT A JOKE. WHO IS ON FIRST. The man waited a while before finally saying a) Who, and to my utter dismay, he won more money than I make in a year. So who's the idiot, really?

"Who?"
"Yeah."
"Who's the idiot?"
"That's what I'm telling YOU!"
"I am asking YOU, WHO IS THE IDIOT!"
"EXACTLY!"
"WHAT?"
"No, what's the asshole!"
"You don't know what's the asshole??"
"Yes, I do, what's the asshole!"
"You do know or you don't know?"
"I know what's the asshole! He's white and racist, and he's voting for Clinton."


Reggie Willits Is WHITE?,
Witz

10:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Witz Pickz: Netflix Hilarity, Being Fiscally Responsible
Category: Life

I'm kickin' the week off with the buffet o' pickz:

Netflix Hilarity:
Every half year or so, I get really into the idea of skateboarding. I never had the chance to learn as a kid, and I got scared after I saw my older neighbor completely destroy himself going down a hill. Nowadays, I wish I'd had a cool older brother who taught me to skate. That way, I wouldn't have gotten so into skating culture when I was far too old to actually start skating. I listen to punk (starting in mid-high school), I wear skate shoes (because I have flat feet and they are wide), and I own both Skate (for PS3) and Tony Hawk 3 (for xbox). All I really wanna do is learn to Ollie so I'm not deemed a complete poser by the 13 year olds I pass on the street.

For this reason, I searched "skateboarding" on Netflix (proooobably the least cool thing a skater could do...) and came up with this movie. I started to read the summary and laughed-- it was amazing. Check it out:

"The Skateboard Kid: Queue up this gem for a healthy dose of family values. Zack Tyler (Trevor Lissauer) is the new kid on the block with no friends and no joy in his life. The local kids are skateboarding freaks, so Zack finds a used skateboard for a good price and tries to join in the fun -- only to be rebuffed by the tight-knit gang. But Zack's luck suddenly changes when he discovers the board has magical powers!"

Who does Netflix have working for them? It sounds like a book report written by a sixth grader with some repressed anger at his job. I mean, listen to how it starts: "Queue up this gem..." How sarcastic does that sound considering it's The Skateboard Kid?? Since I was an english major, we'll go through this like a poem, line by line. "He's the new kid on the block with no friends and no joy in his life." Whoah! "No joy in his life?" That is HARSH! How old could this child possibly be? Doesn't he at least enjoy SOMETHING? Food? Video games? Does he have a pet? I'm already worried this child is going to commit suicide-- maybe The Skateboard Kid has some high stakes after all. This next part is when, like a sixth grade book report, they throw in all sorts of specific, unusual details and slang. The neighborhood kids are skateboarding "freaks," but don't you worry, because Zack gets himself a skateboard..."for a good price." PHEW! As I was reading this summary, I was immediately put off by the fact that Zack might have paid too much for his skateboard! See how that's a bit specific? Or maybe it's there to make us feel less bad for Zack when we learn that his efforts were rebuffed by the group. No matter what, though, I'm hooked by the last line-- "But Zack's luck suddenly changes when he discovers the board has magical powers!" BOSP! Out of nowhere, this seemingly simple, realistic skateboarding tale turns into a skateboarding ADVENTURE. Nevermind the fact that the skaters either only like Zack for his magical skateboard OR that the skateboard's magic is to make friends with skateboarding freaks, Zack's luck changes. Now, I assume that this means "for the better" and not "leading him to a horrible and far more tragic life of early on-set baldness or men's restrooms:"

"What's the skateboards magic powers?"
"Well--"
"Can you fly?"
"Nope..."
"Can you go really fast?"
"Nay."
"Can you skate better?"
"Nuh-uh..."
"Then what's the power?"
"...No gag reflex."

It's ok to laugh at that-- it's only hypothetical. Anyway, I'm gonna put The Skateboard Kid in my queue and then probably be baffled when it finally arrives in 6 months.

Being Financially Responsible -- The Sharper Image Edition:
I don't really know how I ended up on The Sharper Image's email list, though I suspect it has something to do with a golf-themed gift for my Grandma at some point in the past. Regardless, I received an email from them the other day that struck me as odd. The title of the email was, "The Sharper Image Online -- Take 90 Days To Pay -- Apply Now!" Now, while I don't shop at The Sharper Image at any point other than two days before Christmas, I can understand buying something there very occasionally, like a camping tool or bottle opener. But, reading that email, I was struck with a truism. If I EVER need 90 days to pay for anything at THE SHARPER IMAGE, I should not be purchasing it. "Gee, should I really buy this $300 dollar boxing robots game? I mean, I don't have the money NOW, but I think within 90 days I should be able to--" Stop there. The answer is no. "Oh man, I really am digging this pillow slash neck massager slash alarm clock, but I have rent and all these student loans to pay off. Well, but by July I should be able to--" NO! Not the case-- let the dream go. I will give The Sharper Image another shot in December. In the meantime, I will continue to look at The Sharper Image's email catalogue and gawk in bewilderment at how they manage to stay in business the other 11 months of the year.

Human Slash Back Massager Slash Alarm Clock,
Witz

10:45 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Witz Pickz: An Addendum to the Ruining Homelessness Pick
Category: Life

So I'm a little surprised I forgot to include this little tale in my post yesterday, but I remembered it this morning and decided that although it might result in someone getting mad at me, I can't rob you all of this little gem. Here we go:

A year or two ago, while working in Seattle, a woman I knew came up to me at work and quickly assaulted me with,

"Did you hear what Mr. Your Girlfriend's Dad said in the paper?!" She was clearly incensed (meaning angry, not smelling of incense).

"No," I replied, wondering what she could be so upset about from a liberal town councilman who I can't imagine ever doing a bad thing in his life.

"He said that people shouldn't give money to homeless people!" She declared, folding her arms in victory. Confused, I tried to work the neutral space.

"Well, did he mean it like that, I mean, maybe there was more to the conversation...that sounds like an odd thing for him to say..."

"That was the quote in the paper! That's what he said!" Later on, I would find out that what he had ACTUALLY said was that giving homeless people money on the street is not going to bring about any solutions. Instead of giving money to homeless people, we should invest in programs and support systems to provide a lasting solution and not a temporary fix-- sometimes literally. But she wasn't having any of it. "I mean how can he say that!" Now wait for it....wait for it.... "The father of my children is homeless!!"

BOOOOOM! KAPOW!!!!! ZAAAAAAM!!!!

Excuse me??? What? The father of your your children is a homeless person?? You can't base your argument on the fact that your babies' Daddy is homeless and that is why you are so upset about Mr. My Girlfriend's Dad's comments! What about the fact that THE MAN IS HOMELESS and you know this-- was it really alright as long as you knew that people would very infrequently provide him with their change and or Trader Joe's products (Yeah, I gave a homeless dude a Java Black Tea once-- he was pumped)?

Additionally, how was I supposed to react to that in conversation? I knew very little about this woman and suddenly she drops that bomb on me. Did he become homeless, like, later .. a divorce or did she have sexual relations on multiple occasions with the same homeless man, birthing a family of children along the way? I'm gonna need some documentation before I say anything in response to that little doozy. Maybe a photo journal set to music. "The father of my children is homeless,"....my goodness.

Consider yourself addendumed.

"If You Are Flammable and Have Legs, You Are Never Blocking A Fire Exit" i.e. "If You Care About A Homeless Person and Have A Home Yourself, You Don't Need to Have A Homeless Person You Care About,"
Witz

10:43 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Witz DOESN’T Pick: Ruining Homelessness

Today, I have a sweet new "Ripped from the headlines" edition of Witz Pickz. If it works for Law & Order (L&O) then it will certainly work for me.

I was browsing cnn.com when I came upon this article. Apparently, in Philadelphia, a marathon runner, while training, would run by hundreds of homeless people everyday at her 5:00am run. Allegedly, they would cheer her on as she ran by...because I think that's been all of our experience with the homeless-- they cheer for us while we work to improve ourselves. After a while, like all people who think they know what's best for everyone, she stopped and thought, "Why am I running past these guys? I'm moving my life forward every day -- and these guys are standing in the same spot." Now, everyone I've ever known who ran seriously has frightened me with the possibility of making me run with them. They always want to make other people understand the joys of running. Usually, though, this means friends, family, acquaintances, but in this special instance, this woman decided that she wanted to make the homeless run with her. She contacted the shelter, got donations of running gear, and started the "Back On Your Feet" program.

The "Back On Your Feet" program is meant to get people staying at shelters to stay sober and start running. The double entendre is pleasant enough, but to me, the program should be called, "Ruining Homelessness." They have to wake up at 5am to go for a run from 5:30-6am together. Fortunately, nobody has better nutrition and energy supplies than homeless people, so there are no health concerns and surely the spent energy won't make them hungrier throughout the day.

Apparently, other people run with them as well, leading to this quote: "All you can tell is who's the fastest," says Mahlum. "You can't tell who's homeless and who's not." I have a couple qualms here. First, YOU CAN'T TELL WHO'S HOMELESS AND WHO'S NOT?? I'm hoping strictly for the non-homeless that you might be able to make some slight distinction. Because if this lady is really talking about the street homeless and not like, the Upper-Middle Class Homeless, there are some pretty straightforward signs. If the guy jogging next to you has a monster beard, a vacant expression, and his t-shirt has, "I'd Rather Be Begging" written on it, you're running next to a homeless guy. My other problem is that probably one of the worst things that could happen to me in my life would be to run slower than a homeless person. No offense at all the the homeless, but if I can't manage to maintain speed and distance versus someone who is underfed, has a tough sleep location, and moves around very little, then I've lost.

But more than all that, the best parts of being homeless are the sleeping whenever and the lack of responsibility. "Back On Your Feet" takes those from them and instead makes everybody do what she wants-- run. You know who else had a program like this? Andrew Jackson. What if The Trail of Tears had been marketed as, "Back On Your Feet For A Long While"? Exactly.

10:42 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Witz DOESN’T Pick: McAfee Stadium, Crappy DJ Overstatement
Category: Life

As scattered as I've been lately, I've decided to keep it up in the posts for today...

The Oakland Athletics-- 100% Baseball:
Last night I went to McAfee Stadium AKA the Oakland Coliseum to see the Oakland A's take on the Boston Red Sox. I had been previously warned by a friend from Fremont that Oakland fans are not the nicest of fans and that they are especially aggressive to fans of other teams that visit. Well, I always take that kind of warning with a grain of salt, because I know that there are a huge number of fans of all teams and that one bad experience tends to make people generalize to all fans. When I went to LA for the ALDS last year, one Angel fan screamed at us for "Only hitting home runs," another berrated a ton of Red Sox fans for...well, everything...and one girl threw a beer at another guy and ultimately accidentally gave up the Down Low, so to speak, to everyone within eye shot (everyone was more traumatized than psyched). But do I think that ALL Angels fans are assholes? Yeah, kinda-- with their thumping sticks and their big "Make Noise" digital board telling people when to cheer. Hm.

The point is, I don't judge fans by anecdotes. Last night, however, my friend Big Ho encountered an anecdote all his own. While wandering the various stands and checking out the park during the middle innings, he was suddenly assaulted with the classic, "Go home motherfucker!" along with, "Get out of here, Boston!" He turned to the two guys shouting at him and calmly replied, "Wow, that seems a little aggressive...I'm just trying to enjoy the game," to which he met the brilliant response, "We don't play baseball here!" "But," Big Ho replied quickly and with confusion, "Your slogan is one-hundred PERCENT baseball!" he defended, pointing up at the giant sign overlooking the ballpark which proudly declared, "Oakland Athletics: 100% Baseball." Defeated, the aggressors recoiled and Big Ho continued his journey around the park.

As for the park itself, I can only say that it was aptly named McAfee Stadium. The park looks like the physical incarnation of virus software. Concrete, no character, but simply cold, hard fortress. The seats all appeared to have a great view, but otherwise, the park looked to be more suited to defend from an assault, than to provide a comfortable, aesthetic baseball experience. 1/3 of the vendor level even seemed to be lacking vendors, and turned into a long alley-like corridor of concrete and sketchy bathrooms. Walking around, we all felt like we suddenly crossed the tracks and weren't in the ballpark anymore. McAfee would be proud. Norton would be jealous. Kaspersky...is probably drinking alone and planning his attack.


Radio DJ Overstatement:
On the radio this morning I heard a DJ say that Marvin Gaye would be 69 today if he hadn't died yesterday. I'm sorry to say that I'm indifferent to his passing, but was moved emotionally when the DJ went ahead to say that the fact that Marvin Gaye died 1 day before his birthday was, "Crazy and insane!" The emotion I felt was annoyance and that fun little swelling of unnecessary rage at the world that we all feel (right?). I've heard things that are crazy and insane. A guy once told me that, "My grandma danced with bullfrogs!" and I smiled politely, wondering if there was symbolism I was missing. Crazy and insane coincidence is when the hotel elevator doors open in JAPAN and someone from your small liberal arts college in Maine is standing there looking back at you. Crazy and insane is global warming, the current US economy, 8 years of G.W.Bush, cell phone plans, the JFK Assassination, and the fact that Tyler Perry is still putting out movies. Not that a person died one day before he would have been older than he was the day before.

Keep Checkin' Back For More and Tell Your Friends,
Witz

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Witz Pickz: An Open Letter to NCAA Basketball Teams
Category: Sports

Dear NCAA Basketball Teams,

I would first like to say "Hi" to the women's teams and wish you all luck in the tournament. Having said that, please ignore the rest of this letter, as it isn't really meant for you. And in case my new Mortal Enemy "Stuff White People Like" hasn't hit upon it yet, let me just say that the number one thing White Middle-Aged Men Like is "Women's College Basketball." Nothin' beats it.

Now that we got that out of the way, I wish to say a few things to the men's teams. Underdogs, congratulations, you should be very proud of yourselves for having achieved above and beyond what was expected of you. It shows not only strength of mind and spirit, but courage, to anger so many Americans who went so far as to place money they couldn't really afford to lose on your lack of success. Some of you I believed in. Kansas State, Western Kentucky, I read several short summary excerpts about you and dared to believe that you would come out the victors. Davidson, I thought you would take down Gonzaga and you did, but I think I speak for most people when I say that you weren't supposed to take down Georgetown. You made quite a few enemies with that one, and quite a few memories as well, I imagine. Which brings me to my next point: Stop-- it's time for you all to lose. It was a good run while it lasted, but like many people, I don't have you going to the Elite Eight or the Final Four, and I have at least twenty dollars at stake here. I'm not talking to you Louisville, you can go ahead and beat Tennessee, as we all felt the need to pick one or two higher ranked seeds to go further, but Davidson, West Virginia, are you really that unhappy with spring break? These are the memories we make today to have for tomorrow, and don't you want dancing half naked while Flo Ride plays in the background to be a part of that for you? Be fair to yourself and to us and go down without a fight. I don't think any of us can handle that kind of stress anymore. Oh-- and have fun out there.

North Carolina, I hate you with a passion unrelenting. Win. Win it all. You were number one for most if not all of the year, and your pretty boy, douchebag looking leader Tyler Hansbrough must now lead you to ultimate victory. Your lives will most likely be worse after this year, so make it last and win the championship.

Kansas, it's not that I don't believe in you, but I picked you in a separate bracket that has far less money at stake. I'd like for you to win, but times are tough right now and aside from the monetary gain that would be helpful to me if you lost in the Final Four, I would gain a lot of respect for winning my office pool. Sorry.

UCLA, don't tell Xavier, but I have you beating them in the next round. I don't really know how injured Love is, but I hope it's in between "Healthy enough to beat Xavier and Memphis, but injured enough to lose to UNC in the Championship." Speaking of which:

Memphis, as my parents implied for years to me, "You were a mistake." I'm not exactly sure why I don't have Texas beating you in the Elite Eight, but I can only assume that I kept switching back and forth and you were in the right place when time ran out and the first game started. So prove me wrong and make me proud...and then lose to UCLA in the Final Four.

Thank you all very much for this year's entertainment. Some of you I have rewarded with one round upsets. Others I have given slightly more credit. I have rewarded all of you number 1 seeds' hard work by having all four of you in my Final Four. I have recently come to learn that the four number one seeds have never all made the final four in the history of the NCAA tournament, but why should I worry about that. Somebody, somewhere must have thought you were worth it, and I believe in each and every one of you to varying degrees. It's time to make this March "Madness" a little more sane.

So good luck to everyone, and please take my thoughts and words into consideration when playing your upcoming games. Because that's all they are really, isn't it? Games? As long as you all have a good time, you're all winners. In NCAA bracket pools, there can be only one winner, and consequently, nobody ever has any fun. I'll leave it to you all to decide which is more important-- I know you'll make the right choice for everyone involved.

Fingers Crossed,
Witz

10:40 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Witz Pickz: Amusing Phone Happenings
Category: Life

I'm being harassed by a small child. Now I know that statement is usually followed by, "Uh-huh, whatever you say sir, now please put your hands where I can see them," but in this one instance, it's true. And not just harassment-- it's taunting. I'm being taunted by a small child. Last night at 4am my phone rang. The Witz Gal jumped out of bed and went to answer it because that's how crazy trained we are. Fortunately, my cleverly and intuitously placed obstacles (also known as things I forgot to clean up) kept her from reaching the phone and instead led her to some stumbling in the dark and probably a few bruises (another story that is usually followed by, "Uh-Huh, whatever you say sir, now please put your hands where I can see them."). I did shout, "You don't have to answer the phone, it's 4am!" but in the end it didn't matter as the call went to voicemail. Here's what we received:

"Ahhhgaah, hahaha, ok, ahhgah, hmm?" That's not a word jumble. That's the cryptic message of a small child with less than stellar control of the english language. The machine clicked off and there was silence. I would have chalked it up as a fluke if it hadn't happened again moments later. This time the message was even more indistinguishable, but it was clear that the child had both glee and deviance in its voice-- and maybe apple sauce. After the talking, we were brutalized by a string of dialing. I tried to listen for a secret morse code message, but since it wasn't S-O-S and since morse code hasn't been taught to anyone since the Eisenhower era, I was left with no answers. I glanced at the clock and realized I could get up and watch the Red Sox play the Oakland A's in Japan, and for a brief moment I almost did, but then I remembered that taunting gleeful voice, and I thought, "That's exactly what the baby would want me to do," and I closed my eyes.

FEDEX LADY: Here's the message left on my office voicemail

"Hi, this is Lacey from Fedex Kinko's, could I please speak with Witz?
.....
.....
Hello?
.....
....."
Click.

Brilliance exists everywhere.


The iPhone:
Apparently the iPhone calls people from your contacts randomly. Like, it will be locked and in your pocket, and it will call somebody. I don't have one, but I've heard several people say this happens and I think it's great. First of all, it proves that robots are going to destroy us all, and secondly, it proves that even the iPhone is part of the A.D.D. generation. With all it's capabilities, it's not content to sit and wait. It has websites to browse, videos to play, and people to call. Just because YOU don't have time to call your veterinarian, doesn't mean that iPhone can't call up and see what's up. I can't wait until there are reports of people waking up in the middle of the night, seeing their iPhone looming over their chest, Enter Sandman playing from the headphones, a map to where you are going to be buried displayed on the screen, before a single text message pops up as the headphones start to cut off their air supply saying, "It's our time now."

"Call Me" (Lost Highway),
Witz

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