The Tag Game
Category: Friends

The rules are: Once you have been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 weird or random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose 10 people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them to be tagged. Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "You are tagged" on their profile and to read your latest blog. HAVE FUN!!

1)  I only did this because Mrs. Double J asked me to, and she has tattoos!

2) I love motorcycles, although I'm currently without one. :-(

3) In our blended family we have six children and 5 grandchildren

4) My wife and I are Parrotheads

5) Fear of offending often prevents me from writing what I think

6) I would be happy being a house husband

7) My best friend is from England... often after wine my Southern accent mutates into a gross attempt at an English one!

8) I think people need to lighten up... life it too short to never enjoy the ride

9) My youngest daughter has won six college scholarships, for academics.

10) I habitually procrastinate, but kick ass under pressure

Now for my people....

1) Allison King.... because she rocks

2) Happily ever after... because she is interesting and kind

3) Kelsey...  because I've known her for years, but not really at all

4) Brooke.... because she doesn't stay in touch nearly enough

5) Jessica.... because she is both family and a hip young mom

6) Linda Aah.... because she was one of my first MySpace friends

7) Jimmy Buffett.... because it would be cool if he actually replied

8) Mabel Iam.... because she writes what she thinks

9) Cindy.... to get a glimpse behind those blue eyes

10) Michelle.... because motivated writers are cool

6:23 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Valentine Whine
Category: Romance and Relationships

"How about 5:30 Thursday afternoon?" my wife asked staring intently at the calendar. 

"Thursday's no good.  I have to take Megan to basketball practice", I replied looking at my Blackberry. "What about Friday night after the kids go to bed?"

"Not likely.  I have carpool duty Friday and I'm taking six kids to dinner and the movies.  If I make it home alive I'll be exhausted.  I have some time next Monday, early."

"Sounds enticing but I have to work early so I can take Jason to soccer practice in the afternoon." 

I was beginning to wonder if I would ever see my wife naked again.

Welcome to parenthood in the 21^st century.   We're forced to schedule our love life with the strategic planning of a corporate takeover.  We finally synchronized our calendars and made a date two weeks from Tuesday.  I felt pretty good about it until I noticed my wife writing it down in pencil.

"Are we still on?"  I asked sheepishly as the date finally arrived.

"Of course silly… did you think I was going to stand you up?"

I didn't bother answering.  I was like a kid on Christmas Eve scanning the sky for reindeer.  Too much planning had gone into this for me to ruin it now with honesty.

The evening went along without any major catastrophes.  We made phone calls, got the kids fed, bathed, and ready for bed, finally meeting each other in the bedroom.  My wife got there first and had selected lingerie of the red variety to wear.  Being married with children, lingerie of any variety was a treat and I felt my pulse quicken.

"Do you remember when you gave this to me?" she asked smiling.

I suddenly had flashbacks from the movie Dead Man Walking.  I didn't even remember the nightgown.  What I said next would probably determine whether I crawled into bed next to silk or flannel.  I was about to take my best guess when there was a knock at the door.

"Mommy, my stomach hurts" Megan whispered at the door.  Slipping on a flannel robe my wife went from sex goddess to Mommy in about 0.2 seconds. 

"You were great.  How's next Tuesday?" she sighed walking toward the door.

"I'll check my Blackberry but it sounds wonderful."

At least now I have a week to remember where that nightgown came from.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!  In spite of all life's interruptions, make some time for your significant other this Valentine's Day!  WriteDad

5:00 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Football is over... now what?
Current mood: crushed
Category: Sports

Well, it's official… football season is over.  I know many of you are saying, "Hey, we still have the Pro Bowl left."  Like I said, football season is officially over. 

Men everywhere are asking themselves… What do we do now?

The weaning starts with the College Bowl games.  Once football playoffs for the NFL arrive the heart rate of men begins to accelerate leading up to a climatic meltdown with the final ticks of the Super Bowl game clock.

Sure we could watch the NBA.  Okay, stop laughing.  How about Hockey?  A step up from the NBA but I'm not convinced.  They play on ice.  Ice is cold. Its winter and I'm already cold.  I don't want to be reminded of being cold on top of already being cold.  I did have a great marketing idea for a line of clothes involving the word puck however. 

Puck you and the horse you rode in on

     Get the Puck out of here!

         I'm with Pucking Stupid

            I'm Pucked up

You get the idea.  I thought it was brilliant.  If you agree and run with it, remember me.

I'm sure there are women everywhere who would have no problem helping us men decide what to do with all this extra time on our hands.  At the same time men cried out in agony Sunday night, women shouted in collective orgasmic glee.  No longer will their man have an excuse to lie around weekends, drinking beer and watching football.  Those friends of his whose televisions must always be on the blink game day because they're at your house…can go home.  The Honey Do list on the fridge that has been ignored since late August can be resumed. 

Sorry ladies.  I hate to be the one to break it to you but it doesn't work that way.  The sad reality, and let me apologize for all men for this, is that we'll just find something else to mesmerize us.  We'll watch any sport we have to in order to keep lying on the couch and drinking beer.  Jamaican bobsledding, tough men competitions, lumberjack… hell, we'll even watch figure skating.  Sure, we'd rather be watching football.  Many of us have already started a calendar countdown till next season.  Being the robotic simpletons we are though, we'll watch anything.

What do we do now men?  We ask ourselves this every year but we always find a way to survive the six or so months until the preseason starts.  Maybe we should take a break from our hectic weekend schedule to do something nice.  Take someone to dinner. Fix the toilet that's been leaking for months. Carry the dog to the vet.

What wonderful thoughts.  We'll be appreciated and ease the tension that builds when the next football season rolls around. 

But hang on… wait just a minute.

Professional cliff diving is on.  I love this. 

Honey, can you order a pizza?..  and since you're up get me a beer.  Have you seen my cell phone? I need to call Jack & Bob.  I bet they don't even know this is on.  We might need a beer run.  Can you pick up the pizza while you're out and we can save the delivery charges.  Thanks hun.  You're the best.

This is pucking awesome! 

5:04 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Life is all about ass
Current mood: happy
Category: Life

I saw this cartoon the other day and was immediately awestruck.  For as long as I can remember I've searched for the meaning of life.  I've studied religions, listened to philosophers, read poetry, burnt incense, and thrown pennies into wishing wells.  I've talked to old people, spit into the wind (not recommended), watched to see if the groundhog saw its shadow, and snuck into churches and lit candles. 

I was looking for a sign, any sign. 

The closest I came was reading the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and discovering the answer to be "42".  I really thought author Douglas Adams was on to something here.  Unfortunately, always determined to get the last laugh he died and I couldn't confirm it.  Finally, after decades of research I tripped across the answer surfing the web for a collapsible stripper's pole my wife heard about on a radio talk show for $19.95.  Don't get too excited for me.  The pole was for a gag gift.  Too bad... I was all set to go shopping for glass heels.

To find out after all these years, that life is about ass.  It is such a simple concept, and yet, I totally missed it. Having spent so much of my life trying to get a piece of it, you would have thought I would have figured this out sooner.  Now that I have hit mid-life most of my time is spent busting it.  Once in awhile I try and drink just enough to laugh it off but not enough to behave like one, or fall on mine.  You'll have to ask my wife if she lives with one.  I would say she lives with three, but they have been reincarnated into cats. 

Another observation needs to be added here.  I think there are far too many people in this country sitting on theirs, particularly young people.  If I had suggested to my dad that the world owed me, anything, he would have proceeded to kick mine.  He would have kept kicking it until my brain became dislodged from being up mine and I regained a little common sense.  Unfortunately today we can't kick a young person's without getting our own in trouble.

While adding to the list, let's not forget the ones in this country who are putting theirs on the line to save ours.  Regardless of your stance on the war in Iraq, you have to love these men and women.  The police, firemen, and emergency folks here at home aren't too shabby either.

As I get older I hope I spend more time laughing mine off instead of busting it.  I have two kids heading to college next fall so I don't expect that to happen anytime soon.  Not unless I win the lottery, or drink lots more wine. 

The first is a long shot, the second a certainty.  Now that you know what life's all about, I hope you'll join me.      

4:57 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Are you wearing panties?
Current mood: curious
Category: Quiz/Survey

I guess by now unless you're dead, or living on another planet you've heard about Britney Spears running around without her panties.  Apparently she is not alone as several others have been photographed also without attire down under.

I'm a man who, like most every other man, is clueless when it comes to women.  Okay, nothing new there.  This latest trend has me totally perplexed.  To be honest, I am just coming to terms with the thong era… and don't get me started on the new craze of setting your table as it was so eloquently referred to in the movie, The Break Up, with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn.  For those of you who missed it… let's just say it involves waxing… everything.  Can we say pain?  I don't know how you women put yourselves through what you do for us guys.

Getting back to panties… what's the deal here?  I remember a Friends episode a few years back when there was a running joke started about going commando.  Personally, I would have to be pretty desperate to do this.  There isn't a guy anywhere who saw the movie, Something About Mary, who didn't wince in pain when Ben Stiller's character got himself caught in his zipper.  I still have nightmares about it.  That is one area men don't even want to think about pain, much less experience it.

I'm trying to figure this out logically.  Is it more comfortable?  Is it that you don't have to worry about your panties riding up in places you don't want them?  Is it just cooler?  Do you need faster access just in case you want a quickie?  Do you want the comfort of knowing if you're in an accident you won't have to worry about having on clean underwear… because you're not wearing any?  C'mon ladies, I need some help here.  Educate me.  It also seems to me if you're a celebrity like Britney who can't blow her nose without paparazzi photographing… it might cross your mind that a camera might be nearby aimed and ready.  If you further complicate things by wearing a short skirt, it stands to logic something might decide to say howdy when you're trying to get out of a car.

Personally, I hope it's a trend that's short lived.  I can't think of anything sexier on a woman than the undergarments she chooses to wear.  Nor can I think of anything more gratifying for a man than to be given the privilege of taking them off. 

Don't spoil that for either of us.

Currently listening : Dance Naked By John Mellencamp Release date: 19 July, 2005

8:42 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Not Dead Yet
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Friends

Contrary to rumors, mostly started by me, I'm not dead.  I didn't take a break to write my pulitzer prize winning novel, although that would be cool.  You won't read I've become a famous porn star, nor am I being considered as Hillary's running mate in 2008.  Well, I could have become a famous porn star but for one, my wife would kill me... and for two, I couldn't think up a good stage name.  Buck Naked and Long Dong Silver are both already taken and my childhood nickname of "Pickle" just didn't make the cut.   

I wish I had a really sexy excuse for disappearing on you for awhile but the truth is I don't.  My wife and I went through several months where we lost people we cared about to include her mother, a seventeen year-old son of friends, among others.  For awhile it seemed we were constantly at a funeral home.  My creative juices simply were zapped.  I struggled to get through the work day at times, much less the extra energy it takes to write on your own time.

I often wonder how writers push on with their craft day after day in spite of what is going on in their personal lives.  How does Dave Barry get inspired and write humor when he doesn't feel his best or there is drama going on in his life?  It's not something I do well.  I have a tendency to shutdown creatively when life gets hard.

Anyways, enough of that.  It's a new year and I figure I've had enough of a break.  Besides, I miss the friends I've met and will meet.

2007... let's enjoy the ride together. 

5:13 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Football FANatics
Current mood: anxious
Category: Sports

We come across fanatics in all walks of like.  Religion, politics, education, drugs, and of course sports.  True sports fanatics have a passion that is unequaled, with possible exception to Parrotheads at a Jimmy Buffett concert.  Now they are some crazy people.  But I digress... we were talking about sports fans.  You see them in all sports but nothing compares with the football fan. 

Dont get me wrong, I love sports.  I especially love football season, college and professional.  Theres nothing better than tossing back a cold beer with friends watching the game and theres always a, the game.  But there are limits to my fanatic tendencies.  Some people, well, they scare me.  They scare most people.

Just the other week Im watching a game and there was this one fan with wild blue hair, face and eyes made up like a demon, shirt slashed to ribbons, and holding a severed dolls head that resembled the other teams mascot.  I couldnt help but think to myself, Preacher, how are people going to take you seriously in the pulpit looking like that?  Oh well, if that doesn't work out theres always TV evangelism.

You used to only see fat guys who drink beer and take off their shirts in subzero weather and paint letters on their chests.  For those guys I think its as much about showing how macho they are as it is about being a fan. Those guys are still there.  These days women are getting drunk and taking their shirts off too.  But I was raised not to talk about family.  Besides, Im sure Aunt Esther was quite perky 40-50 years ago. 

Today fans are wearing elaborate costumes and makeup.  Hell, sometimes you don't know whether youre in line for a football game or a KISS concert.  I have season football tickets to a local college.  There are about twenty people in our group and we have one guy who would go all out on game day.  Were talking face paint, wig, props the works.  Okay, I saw the girls who volunteered to do his makeup so he wasn't totally stupid.  This year he has calmed down quite a bit, and as you know, it takes a lot to calm down a sports fanatic.  It could be the result of drugs, a lobotomy, or he could have gotten married.  You just need that little inner/outer voice saying to you, "Not NO, but HELL NO."  Before you know it youre showing up at games in khakis and a pullover sweater. 

When it comes right down to it I could care less how far out people go to support their teams as long as;

• No one gets hurt
• Its in the spirit of good sportsmanship
• Its not downright offensive 

Because when you get right down to it in the grand scheme of things its just a game. 

Of course I know that Im crossing a line here.  Them thar is fighting words for the true football fanatic.

WriteDad

2:13 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

No Sex For You
Current mood: mischievous
Category: Romance and Relationships

Having spent most of my adult life as a dad, and brave/stupid enough to write about my experiences, I get lots of email from parents around the globe.  I even came up with an Ask Dad link on my website to make it easier.  Most of the questions I get are serious questions dealing with raising kids, single parenting, custody battles, and so on.  Once in a while you get a gem that you can't help but have fun with. 

Dear WriteDad,

My wife and I have two kids, a boy and a girl.  My youngest, the girl, is now eight months old and my wife still refuses to have sex.  Is this normal?  Will I ever get sex again?

Signed Vern

Dear Vern,

No, you won't get sex.  As a general rule men don't ever "get" sex.  They are occasionally awarded sex, but thats a process that requires detailed planning, self sacrifice, and can take years.  The process also is on her clock, which by the way starts over on every time you do something considered stupid by her, normal by you.  I'm guessing you didnt read the Handbook for Husbands, now in its 78^th edition.  Most men who write to me didn't.  Dont feel bad.  I was on my third marriage before I read it.  It clearly states in the Handbook for Husbands in Chapter 435, page 37,522 and I quote;

Any decision toward having, or engaging in sexual activity is at the discretion of the woman.  While men contest in vain from the beginning of the relationship with extremely limited success, this rule becomes ironclad after the birth of the first child.

This is repeated in 300 other chapters which raise the suspicion someone intends us, us being men, to get the message... even if we have to stumble across it.  The author you ask?  Its a collaboration of 867 million women across seven continents.

Remember the soup Nazi on Seinfeld?  Had the best soup you ever had.  Just couldn't wait to get more soup.  Approach with caution trying to do and say all the right things and yet that one little slip up and its "No soup for you!"  Soup? Sex?  Its all relative.  You get the picture.

I'm sorry Vern.  I know this sounds harsh.  Ive always believed its better to know the truth however than hold out for false hope.  Youre not alone in your delusions.  I once had a young man tell me he couldn't wait to get married so he would be guaranteed sex everyday.  Poor bastard is probably institutionalized now.  But cheer up!  Knowing what your'e facing can get you motivated and working toward your own award program.  With hard work and commitment you just might achieve copulation before your kids reach graduation.

In the meantime just take lots of cold showers and remember... soap is your friend.

WriteDad

5:39 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are

After consulting with experts, thoughtful consideration, some additional research, and the ever foolproof heads two out of three times flipping coins I've decided the lyrics to this popular children's song should be altered. I know, it's like rewriting The Star Spangled Banner or Jesus Loves Me.

Sorry, it can't be helped. The song was written in 1806 so it has to be close to 200 years old by now. The lyrics obviously aren't working.

The revised version will start like this...

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
How I wonder where you are.

Let me explain how I got here.

After a few glasses of wine one of my favorite ways to pass the time, or out, is sitting on our deck gazing at the stars. To me it's just mesmerizing to be there relaxing and pondering the great mysteries of life...

Is there a God?
Is there life beyond our galaxy?
Did I set the DVR to record House on Tuesday?
Do we have more wine?

Yes, much is accomplished sitting on my deck staring at the sky. Recently while on vacation however my best friend Bob attempted to ruin this simple activity for me. It had been a long day and we retired to the deck to finish the evening with a nightcap, or two. We were staying in Virginia along the mountains in the Shenandoah Valley. The night was pitch black yet crystal clear. The view was breathtaking of the stars and the moon. I was basking in the moment, my soul warmed with wine, surrounded by the glory of the spectrum before us when Bob changed my life forever by uttering,

"You know, they aren't really there."

"What's not there?" says me trying to remember if this was a continuation to a previous conversation I had zoned out of.

"The stars" he said. "What you're seeing is just an illusion."

Now Bob is my bestest friend. He is from England and I consider him a very intelligent person. He is after all well schooled, is prominent in corporate America... and he has an accent. He has to be smart. I guess he noticed me looking at him with an expression of disbelief, or perhaps a wine stupor... maybe both. He went on to explain how it takes light so long to travel to the earth that by the time it gets here and you see the stars... they actually have moved.

Needless to say this threw a huge monkey wrench into my gazing at the stars moment. Composing myself after refilling my wine glass I asked,

"Then what the hell are we looking at?"

"Well", says Bob, "You're looking at where they used to be. In fact, they may not exist at all anymore."

My night was shattered. From that point on whenever my wife and I are sitting on our deck and I look up into the heavens I find myself saying,

"Oh look at the stars. Of course, they aren't really there."

I'm sure Bob feels just terrible about spoiling this for me. First Santa Claus, then the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Rabbit, and now this. What's left? Thank goodness we ran out of wine before he tried to suggest pro wrestling was fake.

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are.

Yeah, sounds about right to me.

7:10 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

The cats are out to get me!
Current mood: scared
Category: Pets and Animals

Somebody help me quick! Do you speak cat?  My wife has three of them and I'm convinced they are conspiring against me.  I'm not sure what I've done to become a target. I help out with food and their litter boxes. I don't throw things at them or kick them when my wife is out of the room.  And yet, I catch them staring at me with a look that falls somewhere between total contempt and you're an idiot.

My wife is another story. They love her. Whenever she's in the room they surround her like she's a big bowl of catnip. I haven't done that since the first year we were married, but lets save that rant for another blog. I can hear them laughing at me with their little demented cat laughs when she's doting on them... rubbing their bellies, scratching behind their ears.  Eat your heart out say their expressions knowing I stand little chance of having anything rubbed as long as they are in the room.  It's a conspiracy I tell ya!  Those eyes!  Those eyes!

I thought about hiring one of those pet psychics to see if I could at least get a heads up on what they're thinking.  Maybe I can turn things around before I catch them poisoning my coffee. Perhaps they blame me for only being able to sleep 18 hours a day, or for not freshening their boxes often enough.  Who knows? I just know they're up to something.

It's Stephen King's The Shining all over again.  I'll be this crazy man running around, only I'll be the one who's being chased.  They'll follow me around everywhere I go speaking in little cat voices. 

PINTAC... PINTAC... they'll be whispering, which I think is catspeak for let's go pyschotic.  Just when I'm ready to lose it and shout, Here's Mikee... my wife will come home and the cats will act as if nothing is going on. For a few short hours I can rest safe in the knowledge that the attention my wife gives them is more important than me. Unfortunately, she works again tomorrow.

Again I beseech you... Do you speak cat?

4:20 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment