Distant Hauntings
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Writing and Poetry

Now,
in the middle of our ending,
life has taken me back
to my beginning in this place
of water and earth.

Back
to a time when life wasn't simpler
but I was,
when I was earning the wounds
that would be the scars
upon which you're inflicting your art.

Unknown
is how that place seems to me
despite having walked through that door
times beyond counting.
and knowing the floor would still show the stains
of my blood and tears.

Distance
tells me that a time will come
when I can walk certain streets
without missing the ghosts
of those who no longer walk with me,
that today's pains will be buried
in the pages of experience life gives us.

The lesson
is that there is a day in the future
when some other hand
will paint over the images and scars
your hand created on my canvas.
Just another layer, imperfectly remembered.

Intellect
reminded me
of that lesson long ago
but it is an abstract
that my heart can't yet place
over your name in my history.

11:16 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Is this how McCartney feels...

whenever a Beattles tune from the catalog Michael Jackson bought is played?

Just saw the JCP.com commercial remaking "The Breakfast Club"

Talk about sad..

1:39 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Bettin Man
Current mood: lucky
Category: lucky Writing and Poetry

Bright lights, sound of slots
the shuffling cards.
I hear in Vegas they will bet on anything.

I need me a bettin man
I need to see what the odds are
before I lay my money down.

I want to know what the handicap is
on a guy with a 120 day rehab
and a whole new life.

Will he step back into the ring
to show off his fighting trim?
Or will he just sit and oggle the ring card girls?

I can't resist this gamble
I have laid my money on this table
more times than I can count.

And overall
I beat the house regularly.
You are almost always a sure thing.

I got the cash,
I know the odds...
I need me a bettin man.

10:07 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Cliffhanger
Category: Writing and Poetry

We have had this scene before...
an exit staged, a cliffhanger.
But my fingers are down to the bone this time.

I don't have the strength
to be the one that holds out.
So I either need a hand up or be left to fly.

And it's hard to tell if these tears
are caused by the wind in my eyes,
or the pain of knowing you have both hands full.

8:19 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Would you shave with Tinkle?

11:43 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Maybe next time...
Current mood: In mourning
Category: In mourning Life

I made it half a mile up the road before I went back for your art.

It was the last of the stuff I needed to move from the old place... and to be honest, when I went to get it late last night... I stood in that empty house and cried.

I told myself that you gave no evidence of caring about all this time and effort we invested... why should I?  That it wasn't my hand that made these statements in bold colors on canvas and wood and tin... that I didn't need these mute reminders of my ability to misjudge character staring down at me from my own walls.

So I got in Ugly Bettie and drove away... or tried to... only to realize that while it wasn't my hand that created them, still somehow, like some adoptive parent, it sure felt like my responsiblity to either love them or lay them to rest myself.

So I have truck full of art that hurts to own... and hurts to leave... I don't know if this is a eulogy or a commemoration.  But then that has been true all along of anything I write of you.

Why should this time be different... maybe next time. 

7:22 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Another sign that a life may be needed
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

Not only do I love the stupid Meatloaf Gophone commercial....

I love the Rocky Horror reference made when she walks in with the giant leg of lamb... er Eddie.. er..yeah cow!

Ha!

10:52 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Surgical Sacrifice for Vanity’s Altar
Current mood: savage
Category: Writing and Poetry

Truth and irony are a dangerous

double edged blade in my hands tonight….

anger and sorrow make a strong anesthetic.

I want to cut to the meat of the matter,

down deep to the bone, to see if in this restless dark

I can bleed you out of me at last.

No cuts to just mark the pain here

I’m an all or nothing girl, selfish to the core,

just like you taught me.

Funny how this love I want to cut out of myself

is what I have treasured so long, hidden so deep

that now I can’t even find it on the surface.

But no sacrifice is worth a damn

without a little spilled blood on the altar

how else to get the attention of power.

So here is my offering, a gift of being,

the one thing you never wanted from me

the most valuable thing you always leave behind.

1:05 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

No surprises after all....
Current mood: disappointed

"The only way two people can keep a secret is if one of them is dead"
But you have a lively circle of friends…
more of a knot really.
And it is hard to fly high
when you keep so much
on the down low.

But that is still the problem, isn’t it.
not knowing where you want to be,
or who you want to be.
So let me tell you
one of your own little secrets
word is out…

There are too many in the know
about the secret lives of emperors.
Which makes reinventing yourself
serious business.
So buckle down and man up,
stop living life for the moment.

Because moments change
shifting like sand under the walls
of a life that you are building.
Living one life for today
while saying "who knows" about tomorrow
cheats everyone you love….

Don’t make the mistake of thinking
that just because the faces change
the game does too.
Because every little difference
has one thing in common,
you... and your little secrets.

9:06 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Repost:E is for Emperor or Let’s Play Dress Up
Current mood: uncomfortable
Category: Writing and Poetry

Different players.... same plot... stay tuned to see if there is a surprise ending...everyone hopes so!

You spoke.. 
of change
    transition...
            ....becoming
the new, real you,
open and honest with all.

Actions speak louder than words

Your actions
make your words
into suits of being
slipped on like
a game of dress up
or pretend.

You wear home
for her.
Sometimes you
add an accessory
that looks dangerous
and she threatens to flee.

You wear lust
for that one,
trying to paint it
to look like
something more
even as you refuse
to wear it in public.

You wear "whatever"
for me.
And then get mad
when I say
that the emperor
has no clothes.
Well none of his own.

Dress up used to be my favorite game,
I remember how much fun it can be.
But I find it sad
that truth fits you like
one of your daddy's shirts.

You get lost in it
so you take it off
because it is
bigger than you are.
and you don't like that.

The problem is
that you ask everyone
you meet
to play the game
while yelling
how much you don't like to play.

This new one
you are courting
as different as she is
still deserves what
you call the new you.

The honest truth
about home
and lust
and whatever.

Not the designer labels
you put on people
to fit the need
of the moment
and pay the rent.

12:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

D.I.Y. Repost
Current mood: artistic
Category: Writing and Poetry

While looking at some past works for a project I am working on, I came across this piece written a little over a year ago.

There are cylces... seasons we all go through as people.. repeating things until maybe we get them right.

Given the cycles that I and mine are currently in... this piece seemed appropriate.  I hate January...

D.I.Y.

We all want someone to do it for us

Someone to make us whole

someone to stop the pain

someone to make us feel

someone to love us since we can't love ourselves

Someone to set us free.

We cry out to God

or reach out to family, lovers and friends.

Whether sobbing in the dark

or screaming from the mountain tops

we are seeking outside ourselves

to find the key that unlocks inside.

It's funny how each of us boast of what we are

Writer, artist, student, nurturer, man, woman,

how we decry our arrogance, proclaim our uncaring,

deny our need,

even as we paint it in blood, pigments and words

in letters large enough to be seen from space.

Another's love won't save us

another's lust won't quell us

sooth us, support us, see us through maybe

but what good is that if we don't take the chance

to stand on our own two feet

strengthened in the lee of our storm.

No one is riding to save us

No knight in shining armour

No wise man on the mountain

No magic spell or key or jewel

No perfect half to make us whole

The gods only answer is give us more choices.

Free will or "Do as ye will"
We make a choice to save ourselves

to love ourselves

to feel for ourselves

to heal

to set ourselves free.

The gods have us figured

wouldn't you say?

It is the ultimate in selfishness

to be ones own savior

The perfect solution

for a pack of selfish fools like us.

6:48 PM - 0 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Rob Clay... RIP
Category: Life

So on opening my email this morning I find a note forwarded to me from an old friend.

In it is a link to a news article telling about how one of our old bandmates had been killed in an auto/bicycle accident in Hawaii back in Sept.

In the early 90's (gods, over 15 years ago now) my best friend John Marino and myself started an accoustic folk band.  We worked through a couple of other male voices until we met Rob Clay.

Rob had an amazing voice... there was no two ways about it... A great bari-tenor range that could go from "Good Morning Starshine" to the "Universe Song" to "Aime" by Pure Prarie League with ease and humor.

Rob, John, myself and eventually Karin... fought like cats and dogs... John is a perfectionist... a fine mix of talent and drive that can infuriate those with lesser talent, drive or patience easily in an effort to achieve a perfect sound.  It makes him both the musician and the person he is.

Rob... was not a man for rehearsals... to hear that he came to rest in Hawaii seems about right... He was there for the fun... and the attention and didn't always feel that long practice was the way to get there.  He was quite willing to voice that opinion at length during a rehearsal as well.

Rob and I...did not get along all the time. Frankly in the end we didn't get along at all.  Our personalities were definitely not meant to mesh.  Our voices... yes... only Karin's voice and my own melded as well or better.  Singing "White Bird" or "Blackbird" (ha..that's sorta funny actually) was musical ambrosia when it was on.. between John's guitar work and the harmonies between the two, three and eventually four of us.

There comes a time in everyones life when someone you have laughed and fought and created with moves on... nothing new there.

But that first time... when it is someone you knew well... and having to focus that much attention and concentration on someone to sing truly tight harmonies does force you to get to know someone well... it leaves you wondering.

Do those connections go away?  Is it all so frail and fragile?  On the few occasions that we came together to sing again... none of them the big reunion that John would have liked... it was so easy to slip back into that dynamic.

And if those connections don't go away... what comes of them now?

John and I are still connected though we aren't currently talking much... how much of that connection is due to music or our other history I'm not sure... but it is still there.. and stronger than maybe either of us would comfortably admit.  Karin as well.

Losses like this make me want to touch those strings again.... And knowing Rob he would say that was his last good deed for us.  He was funny that way.

11:31 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Tucson... a love/hate relationship
Current mood: accomplished

Returned late last night from Tucson. This city has all kinds of little devils hiding in the emotional closet for me.  But I was excited to see it through the experience of Eric, who loves it as much as he does his family.

The intent of the trip was two pointed... to see my mom, who has been ill and to help Eric at the 4th Av Street Fair, festivals being my forte of late... LMFAO

After a bumpy start... all went very well.  Well outside of couch hopping... but that is ok too.

My mom came down on Sunday... and spent most of the early afternoon with us.  Things went smoother than I expected.  It may have helped that I was distracted by work and she by the event itself.  We have a lot to work out between us... some of it may never be solved.  But it was good to see her again.  And painful....

The Street Fair... KICKED MUCH ASS!  Eric's shirts sold out! As did the majority of the art.

Eric yet again proved to his hometown and himself that he is a kick ass artist who isn't compromising what he believes in artistically to make it to the next level.

You may be very surprised where you are going to see the Art by e brand turn up!  And I may be very sick of screen printing before the end!  LOL

I want to say again THANK YOU... HUGE THANK YOU's to Two Feathers, Dan and Brenda, Inara and her family, Joni and her family and everyone who came down and saw us as well as welcoming us into their homes (or offices ).

Some of you I know, some of you I just met... but it is wonderful to see people stand behind this guy I believe in and care about so strongly!

Sometimes up here in Seattle it can feel awful lonely for him, I know.  But weekends like this one are what keeps him strong.  Even though the sky was cloudy... you guys lit him up like hot summer sunshine!

And thanks for reminding me... how beautiful a winter day in Tucson can be because of it!

10:31 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Without You...
Current mood: lost
Category: lost Writing and Poetry

Without you…

has never been where I want to be.

With you

is where I stand,

no matter how crowded

the heart's terrain may become.

But I don't want the distance again

I don't know that I have it in me

to withstand such a great divide,

since half my heart lies

beyond me already.

Too little spread too thin.

I can't say it out loud

where you will hear the need

that isn't wanted by either of us.

So I write and hope.

hating the fact that hope hurts as much as loss,

And love more than both combined.

2:34 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Quotes
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom the emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." -Albert Einstien

I like to pretend that my art has nothing to do with me.
Roy Lichtenstein

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.
Pablo Picasso

"Why wouldn't you write to escape yourself as much as you might write to express yourself. It's far more interesting to write about others."
-Susan Sontag

"Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away."
-Elvis Presley

6:23 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment