7:47 AM - a good survey and a quick "f*kers!!"
Current mood: cantankerous
Category: Quiz/Survey

before we begin, i'd just like to send a quick "fuckers!" to iTunes. i bought the new pussycat dolls album today (doll domination - quite good if you like dancey r&b girl groups) and i was so happy 'cause it was only $7.99. come to find out that amazon was selling it on special today for only $2.99!! gimme back my five bucks, iTunes! fuckers!!

**********

1. How old were you when you thought you knew it all?
i guess i hit know it all status around fifteen, when i had my first real boyfriend. something teen-angsty would happen, and my mom would say, "i know how you feel." "no, you don't!" i would scream. "you are not me! you have no idea how i feel!" i thought i was a genius. bookwise, sure, but emotionally? yeah, i was an idiot. at 32 i realized something very important - i am still learning. thus the tattoo on my arm that says "etiam eruditio".

2. Are you willing to compromise?
willing, yes. eager, no. as you should know by now, it's very important that my universe revolve around me and my emotions. to comprimise means to admit that maybe, just maybe, it's impossible to be the center of something infinite. it means that i have to make someone else the focal point, and that's just icky to me. but if a comprimise will keep peace, or make someone i love happier, i'll do it.

3. Name one thing/issue you are passionate about.
ernie wrote something philanthropic here, so i feel badly when i answer that the one thing i am most passionate about is myself. i find myself and my inner workings endlessly fascinating. no nirvana for me, at least not this time around... there are other things that are important to me, of course, but i'm rather apathetic and tired. if i were to stumble out of my own character, i'd be passionate about providing mental health services for people w/ all sorts of crazy-brain problems.

4. What do you think about the statement "All men are self-made"?
i agree, i disagree. i agree in that, once you reach some kind of mental maturity, you should be able to take ownership of who you are, and not blame your childhood or whatever for your problems and flaws. i disagree in that some people never reach this kind of thinking. so, in short, i think some men are self-made, and some are stuck.

5. Do you know what existentialism is?
nope. following ernie's lead, i'll look it up... wiki says, "Existentialism is a philosophical movement which posits that individuals create the meaning and essence of their lives, as opposed to it being created for them by deities or authorities or defined for them by philosophical or theological doctrines."
i dig it.

6. Do you ever play the Devil's advocate?
i really try not to, especially after my last relationship. the ex used to do it all the fucking time, (smell that, folks? bitter, huh?) and it drove me insane. that being said, there are times when even the devil needs defense.

7. Are you a big tipper at restaurants?
i am at my favorite place, with my favorite servers. otherwise, i stick to 20%, unless the service is lame. if it's just a little lame, i'll leave 15%. i've been known to leave absolutely nothing for really bad service. complained to the manager, too, and got free appetizers.

8. If Barack Obama was not elected for president, do you think he would play the race card?
no. i don't think he's that kind of guy.

9. If you say hello to a stranger on the street and it turns into a conversation about their day, are you interested?
is he cute? ok, that's shallow. is he a good conversationalist? 'cause, unless i know you well, i don't want to hear about your cats or your 'roids. just sayin' is all.

10. How do you politely excuse yourself from a conversation you are not interested in?
i don't. i either sit through it, or i just get up and walk away. i'm nopt good at getting out of uncomfortable situations.

11. If you could get a large raise at work but work more hours, or a small raise with less hours, which would you choose?
where? work? a raise? oh, hahahahaha!! not to bring down the room, but now that my daddy is gone, i don't really have a job anymore. my mom and i took care of my daddy for three and a half years as he got progressively sicker. now that he has passed, neither of us has a "job". that being said, less hours, please.

12. Do you jump in to help your friend fight or do you sit back and watch until he starts losing?
if it's a girl fight, i might just jump in there and start pullin' hair and scratching. i've never been in a physical confrontation, but if, for some reason, j-dogg and k-dub started clawing eachother's eyes out, i'd get up in that mix right quick. if two guys are fighting, i try to just stay out of the way and not get pushed over the balcony railing.

13. What do you think should have happened to the woman who sued McDonalds for burning herself with hot coffee?
well, she did get burned awfully bad, so surely mc d's should have paid for her care. at the same time, it's coffee. it's supposed to be hot!

14. Have you ever instigated a fight between two other people?
not a physical fight, but i have cunningly manipulated people into arguments for my own benefit. hey, shut up, it was, like ten years ago! still learning, remember!

15. What's your favorite saying that you've ever seen on a T-shirt?
i just got a cute shirt at wal-mart that has a stick figure holding his ears, with the saying "it's funny how you think i'm listening." happy bunny has a shirt that says "cute but psycho, things even out." my favorite, though, is a poe quote that says "i became insane, suffering horrible bouts of sanity."

16. Are you a polo or button down kind of person? Do you button it all the way up?
button down, 'cause then i can show off my chest tattoo, and boys can admire my non-existant cleavage.

17. Why are your friends friends with you?
um, because they love me and i haven't burned down their houses? seriously, though, my friends and i all share lots of common interests and history. most of my friends have been around me for at least a decade, so they're used to my many neuroses. plus, they're all nuts.

18. If someone made a movie about you, who would play the main character?
i'd like a chubby christina ricci. she's so cute, and she's also kinda dry, but sensitive.

19. Do you really think that if you keep looking in the refrigerator that something will magically appear and you can eat it?
i must, 'cause i open the fridge and walk away, like, fifty times a day. it's the same stuff every time, but i keep going back, hoping for a different outcome. isn't that a mark of insanity?

20. Maxwell House claims to be good to the last drop. If a beer company claimed that, would it be false advertising?
not for me. beer is my weakness, every drop in the bottle. even the yucky foam at the bottom.

21. How do cartoons of today stack up to cartoons of the late 80's/early 90's?
they're a zillion times better, technically, but, in my 33 year old opinion, nothing can ever beat the smurfs, jem and the holograms, thundercats, etc.

22. If you stay at a Holiday Inn Express, do you really feel smarter the next day?
having never stayed there, i couldn't tell you, but i'm doubting it.

23. If you could write songs for any singer out there, who would you write for?
holy crap. that's a tough question. britney is, of course, first to come to mind. i write angry chick rock and sad, sad, sad ballads, and i'd love to hear her emote in a minor key, and say "fucking" alot, like i do. i would never write for ani difranco. the whole time she was singing, i'd be throwing up and pissing myself.

24. Would you go quail hunting with Dick Cheney?
i would not. i don't believe in recreational hunting.

25. Have you ever peed on an electric fence?
no! first off, i don't have a penis, so i'd have to get really close to the fence. and second, isn't that, like, dangerous!?

26. Talk a big game or let your actions speak for themselves?
both. i constantly threaten people with violence, either physical or emotional. i rarely follow through in either way. i think that says alot.

Currently listening : Doll Domination By Pussycat Dolls Release date: 2008-09-23

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11:02 AM - a survey in which my answers are far more clever than the questions.
Current mood: blah
Category: Quiz/Survey

What time did you get up this morning?
i can't remember the last time i got up in the "morning". i was up at 2.30am today. i imagine i'll be asleep again by 6 or 7am, then i'll wake up again, then i'll go to sleep again, and then it'll be tomorrow and the cycle will continue. ah, tri-phasic sleep disorder!

Diamonds or pearls?
ooh, diamonds make me smile! they're so sparkly! pearls are gross to me. aren't they, like oyster snot or something? ew.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
k and i went to see "the mist" many moons ago. wow...many many moons ago.

What is your favorite TV show?
i've been watching "days of our lives" since i was about 12 years old. that's 20 years of bradys and hortons and dimeras. i must like it a little...

What do you usually have for breakfast?
see, now, this is like that question about getting up in the morning... i love breakfast foods. terribly fond of eggs w/ cheese, waffles (but not pancakes), hash browns, toast, bacon, sausage. i have a bit of a cereal addiction, so i don't eat it very often. i like oatmeal and grits, but not cream of wheat. it's a texture thing.

What is your middle name?
nunya.

What food do you dislike?
there are many. asparagus, liver, food with bones still intact, fish (except tuna, which is yummy, and the generic "fish" they use in fishy patties), marshmallow fluff...i could go on, but i'm very picky and the list would be too long.

What is your favorite CD at the moment?
i just downloaded the concept album of the musical "chess", which i haven't owned a copy of in years. it's my favorite musical of all time, and it's got murray head singing "one night in bangcock". huh-huh, she said "head"...and "bangcock". huh-huh.

What kind of car do you drive?
a sweet little red one. her name is moxy, and i love her.

Favorite sandwich?
ham and cheese (most cheeses will suffice) with mayo and ketchup. also, the nutella sammich. oh, god, i wish i had some bread. i've got, like, 3 jars of nutella just a-waitin'.

What characteristic do you despise?
self-centeredness. 'cause, you know, the world revolves around me and stuff.

Favorite item of clothing?
it's fall now, so soon i can whip out my college sweatshirt. yay! i went to a fancy-pants college, and i did mostly quite well, so i am very proud to wear it. plus, it's super warm and comfy.

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
i'm on a plane to amsterdam right away, and i'm bringin' you with me! (ok, not ALL of you...i'd have to hire my own jet.)

Are you an organized person?
extremely so. it's a psychological thing. i feel out of control in a lot of areas of my life, but i can control my immediate environment and that gives me comfort. plus, i like to know where all my stuff is.

Where would you retire to?
i've never really been anywhere, so i don't really know. um, holland?

What was your most recent memorable birthday?
my last bday - 33 - was memorable in a bad way. the ex declared that my birthday was not a holiday (i said, "do you even know me?!?"), left my dinner early to go play halo, and didn't get me a gift or even write me a card. that's why he's the ex (among many other reasons.) my 30th bday was a two day affair, and on the second day my best friends threw me a surprise penis party. penis straws, penis shaped cakes, and the piece de resistance, mr. dick head, which is like mr. potato head, but...different.

What are you going to do when you finish this?
maybe eat a moonpie, 'cause that's what rednecks do... :p

Furthest place you are sending this?
into the universe via myspace. the universe being infinite.

Person you expect to send it back first?
your mom, 'cause she covets my moonpie.

When is your birthday?
july 28th. remember that! it's very important! and, for god's sake, write me a card!!

What is your shoe size?
i think they're a 7.5, but i haven't bought real shoes in a very long time.

Pets?
i live with boobah, the neurotic kitty, and bonzo, the troublesome little puppy. i love them both so much i could just spit.

Any new and exciting news?
not for me, personally, but for people that i love, so that's nice.

What did you want to be when you were little?
my earliest inclination, thanks to my bio-father, was to be a rockstar. i went through alot of fantasy careers. at five i wanted to be a model, like my aunt. in sixth grade i wanted to be a doctor. by high school i wanted to be a teacher. and when i reached college, i wanted to be a professor. but, always, rockstar. that's my dream.

How are you today?
when i woke up my head was pounding, but i had a coke and some h2o and i feel better. i was also tickled by something the rev sent me, and that cheered my dour mood immensely. right now, at 6.44am, i really want a latte, but i'm ok otherwise.

Favorite flower?
i like daisies. big ones, little ones, purple ones, yellow ones. i also like carnations.

What are you listening to right now?
the news. blech.

What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
there are three coming up in the next three weeks. tomorrow, next saturday, and the sunday of the next week. poker and hayrides and weddings, oh my!

What was the last thing you ate?
i made some yummy ham and swiss rollups.

Do you wish on stars?
shooting stars, yes.

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
i'd like to be a nice pink or silver crayon. i'd be the black crayon, but it's always the one that gets used up and broken first.

How is the weather right now?
cold, hallelujah.

Last person you spoke to on the phone?
talked to k last night while i was driving home. don't remember the convo, as i was having a hard time staying awake. it's like narcolepsy, i swear, and it sucks when i'm driving.

Favorite soft drink?
good old fashioned coca-cola, although i won't turn down an orange cream soda or a rootbeer.

Favorite restaurant?
i don't have one in particular. my favorite kind of restaurant is a japanese steakhouse w/ the crazy knife tossing chefs.

Hair color?
it is brown-ish at the moment, with quite a bit more grey than was there three months ago. soon, though, it will be red and bleached out white, perhaps with a few strands of violet. good times.

What was your favorite toy as a child?
when i was very small (in the late 70's) tupperware used to sell this shape sorter that i loved. i had a plastic, water and bead filled hourglass that i quite enjoyed, as well. when i got older i had "jem" dolls. they were very dirty, dirty girls.

Summer or winter?
winter, if i can get around. i don't like to be hot for no good reason.

Chocolate or Vanilla?
vanilla. it has lots of potential.

Coffee or tea?
coffee.

Do you want your friends to email you back?
whatever.

When was the last time you cried?
i got a little misty on the way out last night. stupid hormones mixed w/ some of ani difranco's saddest songs. not a good day for manana.

What is under your bed?
all sorts of stuff, mostly in boxes, and dust bunnies that could eat your head. (i said i was organized. i never said i was clean.)

What did you do last night?
went out w/ k, got practically ignored by the cute boy who enjoyed my company (not that way, you perverts) last week, drove home falling asleep.

What are you afraid of?
flying bugs and my own body.

Salty or sweet?
depends. am i naked?

How many keychains on your key ring?
one. it's a huge pig-looking sort of thing that my mom got me. it's hideous, but it's also pink, and i can always find my keys in my purse.

Favorite day of the week?
friday or saturday, when my friends can stay up late to play.

Do you make friends easily?
not really. i think i may come on strangely sometimes. i'm either too aloof (shut up, you're a loof!) or too enthusiastic. i like the friends i have now, anyway.

Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends?
sure, but i mostly fill these out for my own edification.

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1:11 PM - the funeral and stuff
Current mood: okay
Category: Life

we had the viewing for my daddy on wednesday. i spent about seven minutes actually inside the funeral home, and i never once went into the room where my daddy lay. i spent the rest of the time outside with all the other smokers, and my friends who had come to offer their love and support to my mama and me. my friends tell me that there was a number 8, dale jr.'s number, in my daddy's coffin. i'm not sure whose idea that was, but i know it would make my daddy happy.

the deacon at st. mary's has been a friend of my family for many years, so he gave the sermon at my daddy's full-on catholic mass funeral on thursday. still not sure why my daddy, a very lapsed catholic, wanted the mass, but he did, so that's what he got. i noticed that the church was full of heathens when it was time to recieve communion, and only about a quarter of the people stood up. my mama and i sat through it, 'cause we're, like, the lead heathens.

anyway, deacon dave gave the sermon, during which he told a story about a tow truck driver and used a quote from dale earnhardt jr. i cried and cried. my daddy was a tow truck driver for a good portion of his life, and dale jr. was his favorite nascar driver. god, i wish i could remember the tow truck story. it was great. i don't remember lots of the details, though. i was too busy crying and sniffling.

what i do remember is holding hands with my mama and k who were on my left and right, respectively. i remember feeling plank's hand on my shoulder. i remember that the church has a cat who lives just outside and loves people. i remember seeing my daddy's coffin for the first time. i remember hearing garth brooks' "the dance" on the way in, and a bluegrass spiritual, "i'll fly away" on the way out. i remember thinking, "man, these tissues suck," as they left little pieces of dust on my black shirt.

what i remember most is this: my mama gave me a choice, and i chose not to see my daddy to his grave. when everyone else left the church, they went to the right. my mama hugged me, understanding me in the way that only she can, and k, plank, s.r., and i walked to the left, away from the graveyard. there were two reasons i chose to not see my daddy buried: one, i don't really believe that people should be buried. it's part of my weird self-made religion. i'm a cremation type. two: i'm also a "throw myself and top of the coffin screaming" type.

plank held my hand as we walked out to the parking lot, s.r. gave me a hug, and k, my ever present champion, came home with me and spent five hours at my house distracting me with iTunes and my dog and silly chat and advice on how to sleep. there's a reason that she's my bff.

after the reception at my uncle's house, which i skipped, my mama came home with another uncle and aunt, my cousin, and my mama's best friend who came all the way from the beach to be here for her. we ate pot pie (thank you, t), played with my dog, and tried to avoid making my mom cry. i finally fell asleep around 6.30pm (i'd slept for about five hours all together in the two previous days).

those two days were among the very worst of my life.

but then the weekend came. god, i love my friends.

i owe special thanks to lots of people, but i'm feeling a touch narcoleptic now and have to lie down.

to everyone who left me a comment or wrote me a message, thank you. my daddy was really special to me, and he would be glad to know that i am special to you.

i got a memorial tattoo on saturday, and as soon as i can get a picture i will post it.

love and thanks to you all.

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6:07 PM - survey = distraction
Current mood: distraught
Category: Quiz/Survey

(1) Someone leaves a note and flowers on your car, cute or tacky?
one of my good exes once left a note and a lollipop on my windshield. that was nice. and an anonymous rose would be ok, too. but some people, you just don't want flowers from, y'know?

(2) Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
i doubt it, by choice. i'm spending a little manana-time.

(3) Favorite smell?
allfyre, nag champa incense, hats, my mama's home cookin' (when she's not making seafood, ew.)

(4) The last compliment you received?
from my mama: "i'd have been screwed if manana wasn't here."

(5) If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
at this moment, i have a hiatal hernia that's making me quite nervous. i'd like to get rid of that.

(6) Have you ever made fun of anybody and later became their friend?
i have. i was in high school once.

(7) Have you ever caught a friend cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend?
caught? no. but i've been aware of friends cheating, and i just don't like it.

(8) Do you think your mom has secrets she's never told you?
absolutely, and that's how it should be. my mom was a dirty hippie back in the day. who knows what kinda trouble she got into?

(9) What was the first thing you did this morning?
rolled over to hit the snooze button (i got a real alarm clock, y'all!) and said, "ow," 'cause my back was so unhappy. i think i slept on my tummy, which always hurts my back.

(10) How do you vent your anger?
generally, i cry to vent all strong emotions.

(11) Do you like voicemails?
depends who they come from, and if they're funny. a funny voicemail makes me smile.

(12) Where is one place that you'd like to visit?
the first thing that popped into my head was india, the taj mahal, but there are a zillion other places i want/need to see, too, like angkor wat in cambodia, the great pyramid in giza, the eiffel tower in paris. and my sissy's apartments in ohio.

(13) What sport do you watch the most?
i don't.

(14) How's your room looking?
the floor and rugs need vaccuumed 'cause my dog likes to chew paper, but it's tidy and organized, otherwise.

(15) Have you ever used a bow and arrow?
no, but i have really wimpy arm muscles, anyway.

(16) What are you looking forward to in the next month?
the McCrackin wedding!! woohoo!

(17) What is it you truly want right now?
peace in my heart that i may be a light to the world...or a latte. i haven't had a latte in weeks.

(18) Where were you at 9pm Friday night?
i don't remember. i think i may have stayed home that night, but i couldn't swear to it.

(20) What does your last text say?
"i just hung up on [person who shall remain nameless].

(21) Last person to be in a car with besides family?
plank and t, for planks bday.

(22) Do you like bananas?
i do. they are chock full of potassium. i actually have a 'nana in the freezer right now, waiting to be covered in magic shell. mmm.

(23) Your favorite thing to drink on a hot summer day?
water, lots of it.

(24) Where did you get your last bruise from?
knock on wood, i haven't had a bruise in a long while.

(25) How do you like your steak?
well done, so that there's no pink in it at all, and usually with no condiments. mmm, meat.

(26) If someone looked on your bed, what would they find?
my bed-desk and all the stuff it holds (journal, sketch pad, song book, etc.), and my cat.

(27) Have you kissed someone in the last three days?
my puppy, whose name is now bonzo.

(28) Do you want to fight someone?
not today, thanks.

(29) Could you go a day without eating?
sure, as long as i have plenty of h2o.

(30) What color shirt are you wearing?
black. does that surprise you in any way?

(31) Are you typically a jealous person?
only when it comes to boys. i'm not jealous of people who have fancier cars or better clothes or anything like that.

(32) Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
open. my bathroom is the size of a small walk-in closet, and if i closed the door i might freak out.

(33) Are you a cuddler?
with some people. some people, you just don't want touching you, y'know?

(34) What will you do after the survey?
possibly take off all my clothes and lie in front of the fan. it's stupid hot in my room.

(35) Do you trust people easily?
sometimes too easily. i'm getting better about it.

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9:02 AM - daddy’s girl forever
Current mood: loved
Category: Life

my daddy died at 10.21pm, on saturday, september 13th, 2008.

no arrangements have been made yet, but when they are, i'll let you know.

in lieu of flowers, please just send a card, or a donation to my mom's charity, Out Of the Shadow Of Pink. 

and, for god's sake, please don't hug me unless i ask you to. i'm barely holdin' my shit together as it is.

thank you to everyone who has supported me and my family through the past few years. thanks for your prayers and kindness and the occasional sammich or rack of ribs.

thank you, also, if you knew my daddy and you loved him.

i loved him, too.

i always will.

Currently listening : Freebird: The Very Best of Lynyrd Skynyrd By Lynyrd Skynyrd Release date: 1996-12-13

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11:34 PM - last days, a new universe, and why i hate white women today.
Category: Life

those of you who have been with me for a while know that my daddy has been living with cancer for the past few years. what started as breast cancer became lung, bone, brain, and spinal cancer.

i think we're close to the end.

my daddy's in the hospital now, and the only time he wakes up is when they give him steroids. yesterday he didn't wake at all. today he woke enough to eat, which is great, but doesn't change the facts. "it's just a matter of time," my mama said. "brain rot," she said. brain rot? are you fucking kidding me? i didn't ask for further detail, and my mama is gracious enough not to give me any.

my mama...she's a sneaky one. at this time, i am grateful for her tricky ways. see, my mom gave me the choice as to whether or not i should come to the hospital to say goodbye. i was vacillating. what kept running through my head was this: "a week of nervous breakdown, or a lifetime of regret." i talked to my bff, and she softly suggested that i should go, but i still wasn't sure. leave it to my mama, who pretty much always knows what's best for me, to come up w/ a plan. "can you bring the puppy to the hospital to see daddy?"

oh, she's sly! my puppy loves my daddy, even though he hasn't spent much time w/ him, and puppy is good for daddy...and puppy can't drive. curses, foiled again. so, i gathered up my little prince and drove to the hospital. i saw my daddy. i cried. alot.

and i said goodbye. what i said is my business. my daddy was pretty much totally non-responsive until puppy and i were leaving.

"bye, daddy," i said through tears. "i love you."

he grunted. i think he heard me.

so, i ask you all to send your prayers. it doesn't look like praying for his health is gonna work this time, but, who knows? miracles happen, right? on sunday afternoon, my mom left the hospital to have a smoke. she looked up into the sky, and there in the clouds was a perfectly formed question mark. maybe the universe doesn't even know what's gonna happen.

i ask you to pray for his comfort. i ask you to pray for his understanding. i ask you to pray for his bravery. and i ask you to pray that, when the time does come, he goes straight to the heaven of his choosing.

*****

in other news, i hate the news.

today i learned that the big bang experiment (in switzerland, maybe? sweden? one of those countries, i think,) is nearing fruition. don't do it, scientists! i have a really bad feeling! look, i get that you crazy lab geeks want to know more about our ever expanding universe. but trying to create another universe, albeit in a thick tunnel, is just not a good idea!

i also learned that, according to some polls, mccain/palin are in the lead, and that the biggest swing in opinion has been amongst white women. i saw one woman being interviewed who really pissed me off. the interviewer was aking her about palin, and she was saying that she thought palin was "plucky" and she really liked her. a lifelong democrat, this particular woman was ready to vote republican because she liked palin so much. "do you know much about where she stands on the issues?" the reporter asked. "uh, no, not really," this ignorant woman replied.

i hate people.

but i love you.

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1:20 PM - lightbulbs
Current mood: curious
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

i met S when i was 22. she was a fairy, a butterfly, an angel...she was lightness and glory to me, until the end of our relationship when she got into the cocaine, which i am very not into. we had more fun than two girls should be allowed to, and we also fought like street cats sometimes. i loved her more than almost anyone - she was my very best friend, my muse, and my joy.

over the years since i've seen her, like, eight years or so, i've had several dreams about her. maybe five or six. in every dream, she was hiding from me, pretending not to be home, or having her mom tell me she had gone away, even though she was upstairs in her bedroom.

i always thought that this dream really was about S. see, at the end of our friendship, i let her know that i didn't approve of her new habits, and after that, i could never get in touch with her. i learned through myspace, right after i joined, that she'd gotten sober, but she wouldn't write me back, and soon her page was gone completely. i wrote to a friend that had been on her page, and all he said was "if she wants to talk to you again, she'll find you."

so, for those first five dreams, i assumed that i was just upset about losing S.

last night, though, i had a very different dream. S was not actually in it, but it was all about her. (allfyre, you were there, too, but i never actually saw you.) anyway, i dreamed that i was moving into her old room. apparently, she lived with my family in this dream, but had just moved out, and i was moving into her room because it was bigger than mine. when i walked into the room, i could barely see anything, because she had let all the lightbulbs burn out. there were lots of lightbulbs to change, all hanging from wires, as they would in an unfinished basement. some of the bulbs i couldn't change because the fixtures were too complicated, but i changed each one that i could, and the room got progessively lighter...only it didn't. S had put black curtains over the windows and walls, and as the light got brighter w/ each bulb, i saw more and more just how gloomy the room was.

not only was the room dark and depressing, but there were spider webs everywhere, and trash and papers all over the place.

this was a lucid dream, which are my very favorite dreams, and i thought to myself, as i started to take down the black curtains, "gee, this is interesting. i hope i don't wake up soon."

of course, minutes later, i was awake.

the dream was so vivid and real to me, when i woke and stumbled into the bathroom i was almost angry at having woken. i sat there and thought about the dream, and i came up with this:

S is a symbol. she is a part of me, and always has been. (not in a tyler durden fight club kinda way.) i mean, in my dreams, i think she's always been a symbol. i think she stands in for the part of me that is joyous and light and social and happy. but, in the dream, she was living in terrible gloom and practical squallor. that part of me, that part has been living in darkness and dirt.

so, i came through this depthy analysis, but i came to no conclusion. in the dream it was easy. replace the lightbulbs, tear down the curtains, clean up the trash and everything is fine. how do i do that in my conscious life?

i look around my actual room, and it's not dark at all, or dirty. it's clean and full of things that are silver or pink or shiny or sparkly. the second my lightbulbs go out, i change them. so, the dream is not at all literal, i don't think.

it's a metaphor.

i am far more comfortable w/ a simple similie.

how do i tear down these metaphorical curtains and change these dreamtime lightbulbs in my real life?

i am seeking guidance.

as the austrailians would say, "pleh!"

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2:17 AM - two little (enormous) things
Current mood: confused
Category: Life

one: i am now single. don't hit on me, though, 'cause my heart hurts too much. i did the breaking, yet i still feel like i was the one who was crushed. it sucks, and i keep crying intermittently.

two: i have a new baby brother! his name is addie, he weighs in at a hefty six pounds, and he's white. his foster parents say he'll never get to be more than 12 pounds, which is so freakin' adorable. he's about five months old, we think, and he's originally from ohio, like me! so far he's still really shy and hooked to my mom's hip, but he's only been here for eight hours. i expect he'll be chewing our expensive leather furniture within a week, and i can't wait! tomorrow i get to go to petsmart to buy him a tiny little bed and tiny little dishes and a harness (he doesn't care for his leash.) it, the harness, may be sparkly in some way. he is a little prince, after all. he fits perfectly in my daddy's hospital bed (which is in the room that used to be our dining room), but he's so tiny he can't even go up the stairs by himself. i am so enamored of him!

that is all.

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6:10 AM - me, in a nutshell (help, help, i’m in a nutshell!)
Current mood: curious
Category: Friends

this is a little letter i wrote in response to a bulletin i recieved. the bulletin said, simply, "who the hell are you?"

hi! i'm manana! i'm 33, live in happytown, maryland (happily in my parent's basement). i'm an alcoholic, bipolar, bulimic, self-mutilator. my greatest joy in life comes from writing. mostly, i just write in my journal, but i've written hundreds of songs as well. my father is dying upstairs and i stay here to help my mama take care of him. otherwise, i'd like to think that i would be traveling the world. i enjoy spending lots of time alone in my room, and i have very few real friends. the friends i do have, however, are true and loyal, and i am the same to them. i have kind of an obsession with britney spears. i love music in all it's forms, but i can only listen to so much mediocre country or hardcore EDM before i want to shoot the stereo. the only fictional show i watch on television is "days of our lives". i used to be a religion major in college, until my department chair told me that i am "not graduate school material". my favorite colors are black, silver, and pink. my favorite number is zero.

i could go on, but first...

who the hell are you?

so, answer me this, kittens. who the hell are you? really?

and why do i keep getting so many viagra emails?

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11:42 PM - ten questions stolen from ernie
Current mood: blah
Category: Quiz/Survey

1. Have you ever considered what your place in this world is?
i wrote my first song when i was about 14. it was wretched and trite, but, when it was finished, i knew what my purpose was. that's pretty crazy, right? to know your purpose when you're 14? my purpose was/is to write. i've been keeping a jounal since i was 12, and writing songs for near 20 years, and someday (if the whole world doesn't go *kaboom* in 2012) someone will read my words or hear my songs and they will be healed of something. someone alone and sad and sick will read what i've gone through in my life and in my head and realize that they are not alone. i may save only one person, but that is my purpose.

as for my place? hmm... i'd like to think that i've never been a very jealous person, as far as my place in life. i am where i need to be to fulfill my purpose.

2. Peanut butter and jelly, or ham and cheese?
ham and cheese, if you please. when i was little, my favorite sammich after nutella was ham and cheese with ketchup and mayo. to this day, my mama still bristles whenever i make one of these. she thinks it's gross.

3. If you could heal someone, but each time you did lost a week off your life, would you do it?
absolutely. i would walk upstairs right now and lay hands on my daddy. i would do it fifty times if it meant that he would be healed.

4. What is the best thing that anyone can do to get you off during sex?
have patience, and when i say, "don't stop," please, for god's sake, don't change it up or stop or, gasp, finish right then. there's only one way it's gonna happen and it's gonna take awhile, and after i'm done i probobly won't want you to snuggle with me.

5. Puppy or Kitten?
oh, god, a basket full of each, please! this saturday, my mama is going to west va. to meet a puppy that might get to come live at our house. it's a little boy, about four months old. he's an american eskimo (?) mixed with something else adorable, and he's just been waiting at the shelter for some nice family to adopt him. she found him on petfinder.com, which is chock full of pics of cute animals that need homes.

6. If you would never get caught, would you cheat on your significant other?
no. period.

7. Tea or coffee?
i prefer coffee, but my tummy does not. the only time i really care for tea is when i'm ill. i told myspace friend ernie (his answers to this survey are here) that i was stuck on this question. he gave me a clever answer about being a witch, and who reads coffee grounds, anyway? but i didn't want to plagarize...

8. Have you ever had a vision?
no, but i was tripping on acid once (more than a decade ago - i stay far away from all that stuff now) and i was completely convinced that i was reading the minds of the people around me. it was spooky. also, powerful. i mean, i know i wasn't really reading minds, but i do think my intuition was heightened and i was much more sensitve to people's tones of voice and body language.

9. Have any long standing crushes on a friend of yours that would be surprised to find out?
nope. i don't really have any crushes at the moment. everyone i love knows that i love them, anyway. i'm not good at keeping my own secrets.

10. Butter or Margarine?
butter. margarine seems...wrong somehow.

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9:14 AM - chipotle’s revenge
Category: Life

"i think i need to go home," i said. "my tummy hurts."

it was a lie. while i had suffered a quick bout of queasiness, it had passed, and now, as the tears made their way slowly down my face, i lied and said my tummy hurt.

oh, but one must always be careful what one throws out into the universe...

i actually left because i had been fighting back a general unhappiness since before our nap, and at about midnight, the general sadness became more of a pinching, biting, clawing depression.

i couldn't quite place the root of my (why doesn't myspace have a built-in thesaurus?) dysphoria. i mean, yeah, i've got stuff to be sad about, lots of stuff. usually, though, there's something specific to send me into the spiral. this time, nothing terribly awful happened. sometime around five o'clock, i just started to feel meloncholy.

so, we napped, woke around 7.30pm. dinner was at chipotle (steak fajita burrito, very tasty save for the cilantro, which i think tastes like soap), and i should have known what the consequences would be. dammit.

anyway, at 1.15am i just couldn't hold back my tears anymore. "i need to go home," i said. "what's wrong?" he asked. "my tummy hurts," i replied.

it was much easier to tell that little lie than to try to explain. how could i possibly construe that sometimes i just get really fucking sad ,and, no, there's nothing you can do about it, and, yes, i really do have to go? i have to get in the car and turn off the radio  and just listen to the road. i have to go home where i can cry alone. i have to sit in the light, up all night, trying to write honest rhymes.

so, yeah, i lied, and the universe totally heard me. the universe always hears me. and now, even though i'm home, in my sanctum sanctorum, and my sadness has, for the moment, passed, i am suffering anew.

my tummy hurts so bad!

that is the last time i eat chipotle. or, that is the last time i lie about my tummy hurting in order to get out of an uncomfortable conversation. or both.

yeah, both, i think.

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11:10 PM - the liger
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

my daddy's been pretty delusional and confused for a few weeks. example: on friday night he went into diabetic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. when he came home and was situated back in his bed, my aunt and uncle and my mama brought out the taco bell food that my aunt had picked up on the way back from the hospital. my daddy said, "are you sure it's ok to eat in this man's house?" my mama had to explain that he was in his own house, and he could do what he wanted.

on another occasion, he woke from a dream and said to my mama, "call barack obama!" he thought there'd been a shooting and i guess only obama could take control of the problem.

and tonight. oh, my daddy... i went upstairs to take up some laundry, and my mom and daddy were both up. apparently my dad had woken my mama because he thought there was an animal in the house. more than likely, what he'd heard was me doing the laundry. anyway, my mom said, "ask him what kind of animal it was." i did.

"a liger." he said.

a liger is, according to wiki (click the link, you lazy bastard) a hybrid cross between a male lion and a female tiger.

ligers are extremely rare. how did a liger get here to happytown? and why would it choose to break into my house? my daddy was hissing and cursing, like he would at a strange street cat, when my mama woke up. he really thought there was a liger in my house.

delusions are fun, unless you're the one having them.

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4:39 AM - maybe i should "let go" of my horoscopes? a birthday blog.
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life

a well written horrorscope gets me every time, and all of my horrorscopes were well written today. worse, they all seem to agree on the same thing. they all seem to say this: let go of your past.

..."Although you are usually very good about showing up in the present moment, it's challenging now to leave your past behind. Of course, avoiding or denying who you are isn't a viable option, but dwelling on a previous disappointment could close you off to a lovely time. Share your story if it's appropriate, but don't try to carry it like a protective shield..."

now, the thing that vexes me, is this: what past? do i let go of the recent past, which has brought me little joy and much pain? or the intermediate past, which brought me lots of joy and lots of pain. or do i let go of the long, long ago, which is a time i mostly don't remember, but which is fraught with dragons and daggers?

or do i let go of it all? how does one start fresh?

today is my thirty-third birthday. (so far i have celebrated with a latte and a pint of ben & jerry's americone dream [starring stephen colbert]. that was last night, around 1.30am, some 33 years and 1 hour after i was born.)

thirty-three years of past to choose from, how do i know what to get over? what am i holding on to that is keeping me from growing and evolving as a human? is it certain passages of time i'm supposed to let go of? moments? years? a decade?

what does it mean to let go? am i to block out certain things? forget them? it's easy to say, "get over it," but, tell me, how do you do that?

no, seriously. how do you do that?

my heart is made of glass, but it's solid, like a paperweight. the inside is filled with tiny cracks, but it still holds its form. (and the cracks make the glass look all glittery. you know how i like things that sparkle.)

every little crack is a memory, a moment, a year, a decade.

every little crack is an artwork, and makes my heart unique in the world.

to let go of those cracks, any of them, would be to let go of the art, would be to make the sparkle a little duller.

(is that a totally screwed up way to look at things? should i really be defining myself by my history of heart break?)

i've let go of lots of things in my life. there have been things, people, places that i have loved with all my heart, but that, for some reason or another, i have had to say goodbye to. sometimes the nouns leave me, and sometimes i am the one to walk away.

some things, though, i just can't walk away from. are those the things i'm supposed to be letting go of? love invested and promises made?

are the investments and promises my shield? am i holding on to these things because it's easier than being vulnerable, fragile, and afraid? and, despite what my horoscopes seem to agree on, am i really ready to let the shield down?

any words of advice, friends?

*****

ramble, ramble. my birthday always makes me philosophical about the state of my life.

tonight, i will be spending my bday with the 'rents. my mama will be making my once-a-year tuna noodle casserole, and i'll have an ice cream cake from cold stone. i got a sweet tattoo and a brake job from my 'rents, so i'm not expecting any gifts. the casserole is, in itself, cause for celebration. (my mom hates hot tuna.)

i'd like to send a general shout out to everyone who came out to celebrate on saturday night, and everyone who sent me a comment or text wishing me a happy day.

and to fitz? thanks for taking this opportunity to remind me that my parents used to have sex. blech. i think i just threw up a little in my mouth.

love to you all.

happy birthday to me.

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12:02 PM - my horrorscope knows too much
Current mood: grumpy
Category: Life

my horrorscope for today says this:

"Something important is not being said aloud and it continues to bother you today as you are reminded about the existence of shadows by dark Pluto. No matter how you try to avoid the truth, it lurks just beyond the bright light of the summer Sun, requiring you to confront an old fear. But don't worry; the Sun returns to your sign tomorrow, temporarily erasing any lingering negativity."

so true, so true. damn shadows. damn summer sun. damn lingering negativity.

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5:58 AM - this survey took me two days to finish
Current mood: okay
Category: Quiz/Survey

1. Are you dating the person you text most?
that i am. my complaint about texts is that i am quite wordy. i believe in full sentences and spelled out words and proper grammar. i am nearly alone on this island.

2. You must decide on three wishes. The first wish must be a thing. The second wish must be a happening. The third wish must be a place that you would like to visit. (Wishing for more wishes or money is NOT allowed). What are your three wishes?
thing: a never-ending supply of paper and pens.
happening: a very happy birthday!
place: amsterdam, please, before the e.u. cracks down on the coffee shops

3. Write about a vivid dream you had recently. Describe it, including your personal interpretation and what it has to do with your current life's events.
i had a dream the other night about being cast in a play and going through the script highlighting my lines in yellow or pink. then i realized i was highlighting the wrong lines and had to go back and re-highlight the correct lines in green. my interpretation of this was that i felt unprepared for something, but myspace friend mare interpreted it much better, she said: "The fact that you were in a play indicates that the play is a metaphore for you having to act out a role right now in your life that you are very dissatified with.... this is only "highlighted" by the fact that you learned all the wrong lines.... The green highlighter stands for "earthly needs" and you getting back to basics. In stupid speak.... you need to get rid of something in your life that is taking you away from you. Dreaming of reading means that you also need to take heed in a contract/paper you may be signing soon... read the fine print and dont be scared to speak up. also having to re-do may mean your sleep deprived and need some mental, physical, emotionall r & r or you may become sick. Take time off from a pressing issue that is riding on your back. It may seem crazy to walk away for now but it will make a difference in the long run." i think mare might just be a genius. (hope it's ok that i reprinted this mare.)

4. You've won a shopping spree to your favorite store. What is the store and what would you buy there?
i would go to spencer's at the mall. it's not my very favorite store, but i could get lots of useless stuff to make me laugh.

5. What was your favorite book when you were a child and why did you like it?
the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. hands down, my favorite. my nonni had a deep, long closet in her house, and i spent many hours in it, pretending it was a wardrobe.

6. Write down 5 areas in which you need improvement. How can you improve on these areas?
- i could use some work on my ability to be confrontational w/out bursting into tears. yeah, that'd be good. to improve, i will tell you to go to hell! see? i'm not cryin'.
- when i eat, i put too much in my mouth at once and i don't chew thoroughly. screws w/ my digestion. i can improve this by eating smaller foods. peas and gummy bears and seeds.
- am i, perhaps, too open-minded? i get really pissed off when people (who shall remain nameless...for now) will not consider any answer other than their own. dr. phil calls it "right-fighting". i call it small-minded and immature. but maybe i'm just too liberal with my acceptance of weird shit? what can i do to improve this? nothing. i see nothing wrong w/ being accepting and tolerant of others, even if they are dumbasses.
- problem: follow-through and procrastination are some of my biggest. i'll follow through eventually, but it may take me three times longer than you expected. solution: start hanging out with people who have very low expectations.
- i used to read voraciously. now, not so much. the closest i've come to a book is the first chapter of dr.phil's relationship rescue. i can improve this by reading more graphic novels. they bridge the gap.

7. What cliché describes you or relates to you?
med-compliant.

8. What is a disappointment that you've had in your life that actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise?
i was disappointed when britney and justin broke up, but then she met k-fed (kevin federline, yo ...i look like i smell, but i don't.) and had babies and completely lost her marbles. brit going insane with bi-polar mania (and a little help from sam lutfi) made me feel less awkward about my own crazies.

9. What is the biggest fear you have about yourself?
i'm afraid that the meds might not work one day. that'd be bad. real bad.

10. What personality types drive you crazy?
interrupters, interlopers, the ignorant and the sickeningly passive.

11. If you could write your own personal 10 Commandments for your (future) husband/wife, what would they be? (begin with, "Thou shalt not…).
(1.) thou shalt not make fun of the things i like. 
(2.) thou shalt not make me listen to music i can't relate to in any way.
(3.) thou shalt not be mean in any way to my boobah kitty.
(4.) thou shalt not piss on the toilet seat. be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!
(5.) thou shalt not expect that a shiny gift will make up for any wrongdoing.
(6.) thou shalt not call me eighty times a day to check up on me.
(7.) thou shalt not question when i don't make any sense. hormones are serious!!
(8.) thou shalt not complain when i don't shave my legs for three weeks.
(9.) thou shalt not expect me to cook anything more complicated than pasta.
(10.) thou shalt not ever ever ever even think about going into my journal. i will kill.

12. What are some personality traits that you'd like to pass on to your children?
i'm not having any children, but if i were, i'd want them to be musical, a little histrionic (makes life more interesting), compassionate, open-minded, smart, and just a touch crazy.

13. What are some personality trait's that you would NOT want to pass on to your children?
my fears and doubts, my vanity, my own unneccessarily high level of crazy.

14. Describe your dream date. Where would it be? What will you be doing? What would the two of you wear?
my dream date lasts about a week, includes a couple of stops in europe to see beautiful old stuff, and i'll be wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

15. What are 5 things you think are crucial in order for you to be happy?
- love from my parents
- a companion of the furry type
- paper and pen, or crayons, or chalk. i don't wanna write in blood.
- water.
- for these endless commercials for the movie "mamma mia" to cease and desist.

16. What are 5 of your absolute worst pet peeves?
- bad spelling
- bad grammar
- bad breath in my face
- chatterboxin' (what it do, paul wall?)
- messiness

17. List any 5 places you'd like to have sex.
- in my own bed. that'd be different.
- the "living seas" exhibit at epcot. all those blues and greens are very peaceful.
- in the woods, on a mountain, but in a tent. the forest creatures don't need to watch.
- inside the great pyramid at giza. please bring oxygen.
- in a fancy hotel room in new york city or vegas or paris. some huge, well lit city, where i can howl without anyone noticing.

18. If you could have anyone in the world say one romantic thing to you, what would it be, and who would say it?
"you were right, i was wrong, i'm sorry."

19. If God put you completely in charge of creating Heaven, what would it be like?
white. just whiteness all around. no color, no sound, no physical being. in which case, the color wouldn't really matter, would it, 'cause we'd have no eyes?

20. You've been given the chance to travel into the future to see how the world will change over the next 25 years. What changes in particular are you most interested in seeing?
i'd love to hear the music of the future, and i'd like to know if the world really did undergo a magnificent, awful, terrifying, wonderful catastrophe on 12/21/12.

21. If you suddenly found out that one work of fiction was actually true, what book would you want it to be?
the bible. then i'd all have all the answers, wouldn't i?

22. Would you have one of your fingers surgically removed if it guaranteed immunity from all major diseases?
yes. you can take one of my queer little pinkies. my right one. i need the left to make a G chord.

23. If you could choose the manner of your death, what would it be? Would you prefer to die a hero's death, die a martyr to some great cause, die in a natural catastrophe, or die peacefully? Why is it so tempting to have death catch us in our sleep?
if it doesn't come in the form of the aforementioned catastrophe (12/21/12), then i hope desperately that i pass in my sleep, with no pain or fear.

24. As a child, what was the one thing you knew you were going to be when you grew up? Are you doing it? Why or why not? Do you still want to do this now?
i knew i'd be a musician and a writer. i do both now, everyday, though not professionally. i couldn't live without either.

25. Were you ever admitted into the hospital? Why were you there? How long did you stay? Who came to see you? What were your feelings about being there?
never been admitted, as far as i can recall. a few minor emergencies, but nothing ever very serious.

26. What do you think is the best method for dealing with anger? Has this method proven effective for you?
talk, talk, talk it out with a neutral party. this is usually effective for me, as long as the neutral party stays neutral, or makes me laugh and forget my troubles.

27. Describe the person you see in the mirror. How does this differ from the person you see in your mind?
today the girl in the mirror looks like hell. she looks like her sleep schedule is all off and her skin is a stress mess. does she even own a hair brush? this differs in no way from the person i see in my mind today. i feel like hell.

28. Everyone has at least one obsession, what's yours?
britney. but you knew that already.

29. Would you appear in a pornographic movie if you could be sure that your friends and family would never see it?
depends, what's the pay? and is it a super filthy film, or a tame one? i don't think i have the physical energy for super filthy. i need some coffee.

30. Your new partner tells you that they were promiscuous in their younger days, but have regularly tested negative for STDs. Do you still insist that they get tested again before you'll have sex with them?
not if they can show me proof that they've been tested in the last few months. i have every reciept thingy from every std test i've ever taken. i'm into record keeping.

31. From the beginning of time humans have had to evolve to adapt to their environments and health conditions. What do you suppose might be the next step in human evolution and why? What would you like to be the new addition to your evolution?
man, this is a hard survey. for me, personally, i'd like to grow longer legs. i'm the slowest walker i know, and i think it's partially 'cause i take such small steps with my short little legs. as for human evolution as a whole, the stranger i stole this survey from had a great answer. he said that humans ought to grow wings. it would cut down on pollution and traffic and stuff.

32. Imagine you've been dead for 10 years. If somehow you were able to return, what would you immediately do upon your resurrection?
am i ressurected with a fresh body? 'cause that makes a big difference. the first thing i'd want to do is see my mama, but i wouldn't want to show up on her doorstep all rotten and decrepit. that'd definately give her ptsd.

33. Imagine that a child that is about to be born has requested a briefing on what to expect out of life and the world. What would you tell him or her?
"it's gonna be great. and then it's gonna be bad. and then it's gonna be horrible. and then it's gonna be great again. that is just how life goes. the point of life is to become the best of who you are, to learn every day, in spite, or because of the good and bad things that happen. also, don't smoke."

34. What failed TV show did you surprisingly love? What was it about?
"wonder falls" came out at the same time as "joan of arcadia". they were kind of along the same vein, but joan succeeded, where wonder falls did not. i couldn't give you a brief synopsis. all i really remember was that i loved the lead character who lived in a really cool trailer home and talked to inanimate objects that talked back, thus making them animate, i suppose.

35. What is your favorite urban legend? Do you think there is some truth behind it?
ones with bugs always freak me out. like, the girl with a beehive hairdo who had spiders in her hair. or ones with bugs crawling into the ear. ugh, shivers. i used to get quite a stir about that one where you shouldn't blink your lights at cars with no lights on at night, 'cause they'll follow you and shoot you as part of a gang initiation. that made me nervous. truth behind urban legends? i think there's always a little, even if it's only some tiny thing.

36. If you could live one day without consequences, what would you do?
i am hoping i have time to plan for this day before it comes. i'd want a chance to write down everything i thought about everyone, good or bad, and say it to their faces. also, i'd eat way too many desserts. (deserts? i always confuse the two.) i'd eat nothing but dessert all day.

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