a picture worth a bazillion words.

i was gonna post something else, but i just changed my mind...

i was sitting at starbucks today, listening to my boss talk,
but i wasn't looking at him. my eyes followed a man as he
walked passed me, through the doors, and to a table outside.
he looked like a pretty tough guy, very tall, shaved head, a
little intimidating in appearance. he even walked like a tough
guy. he sat down and started smoking a cigarette and talking
on his phone, all the while having a very stearn look on his face.

a few minutes later a little girl bounded through the doors and over
to him. before i knew it, she had jumped into his lap, and was
clearly cold as she opened up the front of his jacket and buried
herself inside. the man smiled, put the phone down, wrapped his
jacket around his daughter, whispered in her ear, kissed her on
the head, and held her tight.

the picture was powerful to me. isn't that image so much like our
Heavenly Father? there He is, worthy of so much respect and reverence,
feared by many, capable of moving mountains, Creator of the universe.
if seen in all of His glory, people would drop to their faces and even fall
down dead. He holds more power than any other being in existence....and yet...
He calls us His sons and daughters. we can, without hesitation,
run up to Him, jump into His lap, and bury ourselves in His arms as He wraps
them around us, holds us close, tells us we are safe, and calls us His beloved.

it's such an incredible picture...and we have such an incredible Father.

12:34 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

note to self:

at my deepest place:

i am not a friend. i am not a teacher.
i am not a music fan. i am not a daughter.
i am not a sister. i am not a roommate.
i am not a college graduate with a biology degree.
i am not smart. i am not single.
i am not needed. i am not a peacemaker.
i am not a youth minister. i am not fashionable.
i am not original. i am not funny.
i am not an artist. i am not a writer.
i am not a problem-solver. i am not wise.
i am not fun. i am not a role-model.

these are the masks i may try to hide behind. the idols i bow before.
my identity cannot be found in any of these things.
my identity cannot become more secure by the building up of any of these things.
i cannot be completely fulfilled by relying on or investing in these things.

at my deepest place:

i am loved by God. i am simply a naked spirit clothed by His grace.
i am His daughter. i am completely known.
i am forgiven. i am brand new.
i am precious in His sight. i am held close.
i am treasured and will never be let go.
i am secure and He will never let me down.
i am His beloved.

Lord, You want to invest in me, not in the things i hide behind.
Help me to remember who I really am,
and that You alone are the source of my joy,
and my life.

12:33 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

making sense of it all.

in regards to the last post:

so, i spent some time with God yesterday, and just journaled through all of this loving/broken heart stuff.
this is what i've come up with (so far):

God's heart gets broken, because we don't love Him in return...
however, He continues to love us without wavering, in spite
of all the times we spit in his face.

i think sometimes, this is what occurs with me:
i love people, and my heart is broken when it is not returned...
however, the problem lies herein...
i allow the lack of returned love to play a role in determining my identity or my self-worth,
rather than completely nailing down my identity and self-worth in Christ and by that,
continuing to love without fail...with abandon.

so, is it possible that our neuroses can manifest themselves in the sense that:
partially, we are loving people in order to receive something in return?
rather than anchoring ourselves in Him and loving as God loves,
we are finding/seeking our identity in others.

what about those who are hard to love? do we have a hard time loving them because
it is too hard and taxing and we will receive nothing in return?
it doesn't validate us or give us benefit, so we don't bother?
my validation should only come from the Lord...and if it doesn't,
then i'm not really loving with HIS love!

in so many words,
i am not loving out of motivation, but rather out of anticipation!

i still have a ways to go...
but how cool is God?

Matthew 5:46-48
"If you love only those who love you, what good is that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even unbelievers do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect."

John 15:9
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love."

John 15:12
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

1 John 3:18
"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

5:03 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

in pieces.

"all the neuroses we have are intended to keep us from pain...
to keep our hearts from being broken."

"we can become broken-hearted, or we can become hard-hearted."

after hearing these words from a friend, who is also a youth-guidance counselor,
i happened to read a few verses about the many times that we have broken God's heart.

i.e.
Genesis 6:5-6
"Now the Lord observed the extent of the people's wickedness,
and he saw that all their thoughts were consistently and totally evil.
So the Lord was sorry he had ever made them. It broke his heart."

In Hebrew, this word "broken" means:
carved up, chopped into pieces, stabbed, smashed, physical and mental pain.

God does not protect His heart from being broken.
He loves us so so so much, with such abandon, that protecting His heart
would keep Him from loving us as completely and overwhelmingly as He does.
so...what about us?

Psalm 34:18
"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit."

The Bible describes Jesus as "a man of sorrows, acquainted with the bitterest grief"...
BUT He was NOT a sad man. He was filled with joy and peace and love and hope!

i find this all so interesting and am wrestling through it...what does it mean for us?
should we stop trying to protect our hearts and allow them to be broken...
knowing that the Lord will be near us and carry us through?
is it possible for us to have a broken heart and still be filled with joy?
are we really making things worse for ourselves by being overprotective and cautious?
do we really know what it is to love with great abandon?  the way we are loved?
are we missing out on life because we are so careful to avoid the possibility of hurt?
i'm pretty sure it's true for me.

thoughts?

8:59 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

fear

i've been meaning to write this entry for awhile, but i'm just now getting to it.
this is what God's been teaching me lately and it's pretty major.
i hope that it sheds some light for you all as well.
i know it's kinda long, but please read through it and tell me what you think.
i feel like i have talked to A LOT of people who are dealing with this same stuff...

so...i had been thinking a lot about my shyness and fear of new social situations...
i'd also been a bit sad and struggling with why i am letting the words and actions
of others dictate the way i feel.  believing lies. 
and then God hit me with this brick.

so...what are you afraid of?

think about it...what are your fears?

so, i was reading a book called "Uprising" and i stumble across this quote:

"When the fear of God is absent from our lives, we become slaves to lesser fears.
How many times have you found yourself a captive to the fear of rejection or the fear
of failure? We have become a people bound and controlled by fear...What you fear is what
you are subject to. Your fears define the boundaries of your lives. When you fear God, you are subject only to Him."

how true is that? so i'm thinking...you know what? yeah...i do have all these fears and things that
hold me back because i fear them more than i fear the Lord. 

so what does it mean to fear the Lord?  well, i came to find out that it means to fully TRUST Him,
to surrender all to Him, and KNOW that He has the best things in mind for you. to make my home in Him.
it's when i DON'T trust Him, that i start to worry and try to take control of my own life...i am afraid.

Henri Nouwen, in his book, "Lifesigns", says that fear imprisons us...it is the opposite of love
(because true love sets us free).
he also says that fear leads to the control of others and things...and it leads to self-sufficiency.
1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
Jesus came to free us from fear.  henri goes on an on about the other affects of fear in our lives too. SO good.

so then i was thinking about the Bible...

Adam and Eve:  why did they sin?  what was the reason behing the fall?  it's because they believed that God
was holding out on them. they didn't TRUST that He was giving them the absolute best...so they attempted to take
matters into their own hands...see if they could get the best on their own. they discovered that God's way really
was the best. adam's first words after the fall? 
"I was afraid."

the Israelites: God provided manna for them to eat while they were in the desert...He provided it for them
*every day* without fail.  the manna was all they needed nutritionally...but...they didn't trust that God would
provide so they tried to save it and hoard it.  and what happened?  it rotted by the next morning. God was like,
"sigh...won't you just TRUST me that I will provide for you EVERY DAY?? I will!!"

aren't we completely the same?  we don't trust that God will provide or that He wants the best things for us,
so we become afraid and untrusting and try to take matters into our own hands. and then are we happy once we do?
nope. we are just ruled by our fears and our lack of control in the whole matter.  could it be that fear is the basic
reason behind each time we turn away from the Lord?  think about it.

so...what are you afraid of?  and why?
seriously identify those things.
what is that fear holding you back from?
what good things is it depriving you of?
because it doesn't have to be that way.
don't let fear rule your life.
the days when i do, this world is gray, bleak, and off-balance.
the days when i put my trust in the Lord, things become clear.
there is my hope. there is my center. there is my home.

so answer me this...

what are you afraid of?

2:28 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment