5:29 AM - Happy Thanksgiving...The Native American Perspective
Current mood: contemplative

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Native Amercian Perspective
First Thanksgiving? NOT!

The Pilgrims are said to have had the "first" thanksgiving feast in the New World in the autumn of 1621. Isn't that what you were taught in school? Nothing could be further from the truth!

People have given thanks for the bountiful harvests for thousands of years all over the earth. Historical records exist of the ancient Egyptians giving thanks to their gods for the Nile River floods that provided needed irrigation for their crops. The Chinese gave thanks to their gods and honored their ancestors. The Romans and Greeks celebrated with feasts, pageants, and revelry. Across Europe, India, Africa, North America and South America, and the rest of the earth over the millenia, there have been commemorations and feasts of thanksgiving.

The inhabitants of the North American continent were no different than other cultures. They worshipped the Earth Mother who provided the great herds for hunting, the aquatic creatures for fishing, and for bountiful crops of corn and other provisions. While the ceremonies differed from tribe to tribe across the continent, depending on their geographical location and their circumstances, a common thread weaves all mankind together. There is a common belief that some superior being(s) exist that are responsible for satisfying the need for sustenance and the perpetuation of the cyclical order of nature.

Prior to the Pilgrims' arrival in 1620, the Native Americans in the eastern shore of the North American continent had encountered other English and Spanish explorers. European visitors inadvertantly introduced smallpox to the Native American population in 1617. The subsequent plague decimated the population, with nearly half of the Native Americans succumbing to the virulent disease.

One hundred and two Pilgrim emigrants departed England on the Mayflower. During the voyage, one person was lost overboard and a child was born onboard. Of the 102 people who arrived at Plymouth Rock in December of 1620, only 50 survived the first winter in the New World. Cold and starvation killed many. Without the generosity of the Indians who provided food, many more would probably have died. The Pilgrims had much for which to be thankful.

According to the first newspaper published in America, Publick Occurrences, published on 25 September 1690 by Benjamin Harris, a group of Christianized Indians selected the date and place for the celebration of the first thanksgiving with the Pilgrims.

In the Fall of 1621, the thanksgiving commemoration took place. We know that it lasted for three days and included a period of fasting, prayer, religious services, and finally a shared meal. There were 90 Indians involved in this affair. While this celebration was never repeated, it has become the model for what most U.S. citizens celebrate today as Thanksgiving. This "first thanksgiving" marked a tranquil moment in time before tensions escalated and tempers flared.

The Pilgrims viewed the Indians as savages requiring the salvation of Christianity. They failed to recognize the deeply spiritual nature of the Native American people and their bond with the gods of nature. The Pilgrims aggressively tried to recruit the "savages." Those who accepted Christianity found themselves ostracized by their tribes and accepted by the Pilgrims as mere disciples. The Pilgrims' tampering with the beliefs of the Indians greatly offended the tribal leaders.

The Pilgrims were not adept at farming in their new homeland. Whereas the Indians were experts at growing maize, the Pilgrims were slow to learn. Their harvests of 1621 and 1622 were meager, and the Indians offered to exchange some of their harvest for beads and other materials. The Pilgrims eagerly responded but, in time, demonstrated bad faith by failing to fulfill their side of the bargain. The Indian leaders, proud men of their word, were insulted by the rude way in which they were treated. Tempers flared and, in time, open hostilities broke out.

History chonicles the subsequent colonialization, the infringement of colonists on Indian lands, the violation of the Indians' sacred beliefs and burial sites, and the forcing of the Indians farther and farther west. Treaties, massacres, seizure of lands, relocations, formation of reservations -- all of these represent a poor return for the Native Americans' investment of generosity.

Nevertheless, the commemoration of the "First Thanksgiving" that most U.S. citizens know is really not a celebration of bounties of the land. It should, instead, be a time to consider what might have been -- an honorable, mutually beneficial collaboration between two disparate peoples from different parts of the world.

In the meantime, remember that the celebration of thankfulness for the bounties of the land, the oceans, the streams, and of those things that make life wonderful did not begin with the Pilgrims. The Native Americans were commemorating these bounties long before the Pilgrims arrived. The customs still survive, more beautiful and meaningful today because of their fragile and spiritual nature.

Learn more about Native American thanksgiving culture in the article about the Celebration of Green Corn.

Written by GFS Morgan

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

5:12 PM - Finally caught a break!
Current mood: accomplished

Well, as of Friday, I've won against PennDOT (PA Dept. of Transpotation)...I am getting my Vanity License Plate ( a birthday present i've had to fight for)..which will say, of course, xxanadu!!!

See, according to the 'powers that be' at PennDOT, my nickname, xxanadu, means, and i quote, "a reformed pedophile"...a 'fact' (according to them) which I fought tooth and nail about, as the word xanadu actually means, tranquility, serenity and peace..the extra 'x' was due to a set of circumstances when i was finding myself which is now a trademark for my nickname...

When questioned about proof of their findings, I found out that they decided 'xanadu' means a mean defination of a pedophile used by prisoners...this definition is found ONLY in 'urbandictionary.com' and not in any STANDARD dictionary's description....

I called PennDOT's supervisors until they were sick of me and they finally gave me the direct number to the department who made this sick decision to deny me of my plate....I urged them to 'google' the word xanadu and to look it up in any standard dictionary and they would see my definition is correct and only proper and i deserved to get my plate.

Finally, a man named Ron in the speciality plates department went to his supervisors/managers and got them to agree to my getting my vanity plate, as ordered, xxanadu   I'm giddy to have at least won ONE fight in my life...the others i've got going on are much harder and more out of my control to win at this point, the lawsuit, my husbands recurrance of cancer, all out of my control...

At least i can rest assured that I have won at least one battle in my sad lil life!

TY penndot!

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

1:48 PM - The fights of a lifetime...
Current mood: determined

I know it's been a long time since i've added to my blog...so much has been going on...

As you might have guessed/seen in my mood comments, my husband has been going through a recurrance of malignant melanoma, now stage IV, meaning it has spread...he now has 2 affected lymph nodes, 2 small spots on his liver as well as one on his tailbone which are all confirmed...there are two unconfirmed spots on T12 vertebrae (which could actually be calcium deposits from an earlier injury) and one on his pelvic bone.  The doctors are focusing their attention to the liver and lymph nodes.  He has begun chemotherapy (today was week 3) and hopefully this treatment will work better than Interleukin 2 treatment they began with...

My next fight is to get help with the health insurance and to hopefully get me onto some sort of health assistance before i end up with a nervous breakdown with the bipolar disorder...please send your positive energies toward my goals!  i can use all the help i can get!

The 3rd fight is to find a lawyer who will work with me financially to fight a civil lawsuit being held against me for an oil worker who fell thru a basement step in 2005 and is lying thru his teeth to get anything he can from me and my landlady...

The 4th fight and the only one i have a good chance of winning, i hope, is that against the PA Dept of Motor Vehicles...My hubby wanted to get me a vanity license plate which is 'xxanadu' for my obvious nickname...

The department of motor vehicles, or rather a manager of their's is denying my application because they are saying my plate means, and i quote "a reformed pedophile"....

Now, I've looked up the word xanadu and xxanadu and NOWHERE did i see anything close to this description...

I am currently in a fight with these people to get this license plate for my car...the word 'xanadu' in ANY dictionary means, a dream state, peace, tranquility and serenity.  I have yet to find this supposed description of my nickname and am demanding proof in print of it before i allow them to deny my plate...not only are they denying it, but they never sent me a denial letter, and they kept my money for requesting the plate...TOTALLY NOT THE ISSUE, BUT, because of their portrayal of this word, i am demanding that i receive my plate, as requested, or for proof of their description before i decide to drop one x and go for xanadu (if it is available), but at this point i am not willing to do that until i get a straight answer...Talk bout fighting 'city hall' lol...i'm fighting PennDOT...much worse!

Please help me in these various dark spots in my life by helping with all of the white light, energy and healing you can help me with to overcome these things...

Thanks in advance!

Much love, light, peace and happiness,

xxanadu

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

6:40 AM - Goddess has helped out!
Current mood: morose

well, on a positive note, we were able to find someone to help us financially who loaned us the money to pay our outstanding bill and we won't be locked out of the house....

Unfortunately, this is the only positive note i have...I am deeply saddened by the events which happened at Virginia Tech yesterday.  It is such a tragedy for so many innocent lives to have been affected.  I will admit though, i can relate to the desperation the gunman must have been feeling, although i do not understand nor condone his actions in dealing with it.  I hope that whatever the lessons of this horrific act we as a nation/world are to learn are in fact learned.  I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason"...what reason something like this tragedy could possibly serve is beyond me...

On a personal note, today i feel like jumping out of my skin...(i wonder if there is an icon for that lol...) I wish i had an outlet for this frustration, this mental quagmire i've been feeling build up for some time.  My arms are so scarred up atm that cutting is barely making me bleed , which is the one thing that aids me when i feel this way.  i am awaiting my doctor's decision to mark me down as permantly disabled to help me get onto medical assistance which will aid in my getting back on my much needed medication...If he is willing to do so (he already put me down as temporarily disabled and suicidal), then i need to ask the gods and goddesses to allow the county to get me covered...Somehow they do not believe that you pay rent and bills if you are only temporarily disabled...amazing the way the world works sometimes...

I'm not able to work, to work out (due to physical problems), i don't smoke and i've no money for my one other vice, wine.  Maybe this is a good thing, logically speaking. 

I really don't know if this was the idea when they put these blogs on here, to use them as a type of journal, but this is where i feel able to put down my thoughts and misthoughts.  For anyone who is reading this and getting upset, i apologize..it is not my intent to upset people, i just needed to get it out someplace and this just happens to be the place i choose to do it.

with much love, light and peace,

xxanadu

1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

1:35 PM - life is just too damned hard!
Current mood: depressed

i wish i could just go off and live on a commune...where everyone helps everyone, the barter system is the way to live, where everyone shares with everyone...their feelings, services, emotions, just everything...

i found out today that if i cannot come up with $1500.00 by this coming friday, i will be locked out of my home for not being able to pay my water bill...being disabled SUCKS!  I cannot help my family, i feel like i am just here, taking up space, not contributing to the household, to the world...

when my doctor a few weeks back was filling out paperwork to try and help me get onto medical assistance, he had marked down that i am suicidal.  At the time, i laughed it off.  I'd never mentioned it, never gave an incling, so i thought anyhow, that it was ever even a consideration.  I figured he had marked it as a helpful way for me to get approved (which i didn't because apparantly a family can live on $856 every two weeks trying to pay rent and all utilities....). 

My life's philosophy is that if one does go thru with committing suicide, they will just have to come back in their next lifetime and relive that entire life all over again because the life lessons they were to learn from the lifetime cut short weren't fulfilled, not learned.  I don't know how happy i am to believe in this right now, although i do believe in it.  Maybe the doctor is able to see something in me that i am choosing to hide from myself.   I am a cutter, and this has not been more apparant than it has been the past several weeks.  My arms are red, not white...striped actually.  I can't stop even though it is getting increasingly harder to hide it from the one person in my life who doesn't know i have this affliction.  My fingertips are also pink from picking them to shreds...this affliction he is aware of.  I fear telling him about the cutting because i think it would send him over the edge, a chance i am unwilling to take.  I care much too deeply for him to do that to him.  I've noone really to talk to in depth because the few friends i do have could never understand how it is to live with untreated bipolar disorder with psychoses which are becoming increased daily.  If i would spend the time to talk about it, i feel as if i am having a bitch and gripe session rather than a talk.  My cutting is all i have to keep me 'sane' so to speak...The blades i use are very small crafting knives which could never cut deep enough to do any real damage, but the scars are evident.  If anyone would take this away from me, i honestly don't know if i could handle it...I have become now to NEED to cut, several times a day, no matter where i am.  My blades are my security blanket of sorts, they are with me constantly.  The friends i do have know i do this, although i don't think they realize the extent to which i do it.  It upsets them, they believe it is wrong.  My belief is that it is not hurting another person, so it is fine, so long as it helps me to cope, which goddess knows it surely does...

Kay, enough of THIS bitch and gripe session lol......I needed to vent, and i thank you for allowing me the opportunity to do so..hopefully a guardian angel will be watching over and will bring the means and support needed to keep me in my home with my family of animals without getting locked out. 

I am asking for you all to send me as much positive light and energy and love that you can that someone will be willing to help us in our time of need, to be able to lend us the money needed to keep us here.  I appreciate anything ya'll can do and love each and every one of you for it!  Thank you!

With much love, light, peace and appreciation,

xxanadu

1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

6:17 AM - There's gotta be an easier way!
Current mood: aggravated

Ya know....there has got to be a better way of getting our mentally disabled some sort of health insurance when they cannot afford it!!! how can a couple live on $922 biweekly, paying ALL utilities (which are all behind mind you), and be expected to afford doctor's visits and prescriptions to survive a normal (well as normal as a bipolar person with psychoses can have) life???

Kay, i've vented, i've cut and now i wanna drink! it's way too early in the am though, so i guess i will just try to deal with life once again...

I hope the rest of you are having a better day!

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

3:50 AM - feeling very confused as of late...
Current mood: depressed

((((((((((((((((((friends)))))))))))))))) I begin today as i have begun and ended the past several days.....in a bit of a state of confusion.  About my life, why i am here, why as it seems to me any of the good i have been put here on earth to do appears to be over???  I have not been in a position mentally or emotionally to help others (which i thought all these years was my calling in this lifetime) and yet i still remain here....i have not been able to learn much of anything new to pursue any meaningful way of life, my concentration level is crap.  I am of no help to friends, and in fact have been quite ornery around them when all they are trying to do is to help me....

what does one do when all feels helpless and hopeless?? the physical suffering i've been enduring due to my illness is becoming unbearable, the emotional scarring due to my uncontrollable actions (partially due to the wicked bipolar I disorder with which i a afflicted) is also becoming unbearable.  I hate what i am becoming and long for a way out.  i do not know what that is as of yet...I fear that if i take that final leap i will just have to come back in my next life and do it all over again (and who in the hell wants that??)..one time is more than enough!

My strength has diminished completely in all facets of life...emotionally, physically, mentally and yes, somewhat even spiritually.  something's gotta give sometime very soon or i fear a trip to the hospital IP (my psych has threatened this several times already), but i have no insurance and have no idea how i could handle it in more ways than one.  I am afraid to mention my feelings to my psych for fear i'd be admitted immediately.  What is one to do???

with much love, light, peace and hope,

xxanadu

2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

5:02 AM - Warning: Never OD on Rolaids!!!

OMG.......don't ever take too many rolaids!! Now, i admit, 3 rolls in 24 hours (or less) was way excessive...But heed my warning...they will Mess You Up!    I have reflux, but didn't have my meds for it, all i had was rolaids, and i ended up taking 3 rolls in a 24 hour or less span..they messed my digestive system up completely....pepto bismol doesnt cover enough things for the symptoms i had...

I guess the magnesium in them can really screw you up if you take too much, and man did i take too much.  and it didn't dawn on me until i was forcing down the last 2 what was causing all of the symptoms i had overnight the night before last.  I was up for almost 24 hours due to this.  Please, for goddess sake, be careful when you use over the counter meds.  I am on many script meds and never had a problem like i did this time around...

You dont think that something like simple rolaids could cause such problems, but it was real, up close and personal....

Oh yeah, and of course with these and other stressors goin on, of course i cut again...no biggie though, only a patch on my arm, not the normal pentagrams i usually do...i didn't have enough energy or focus to do that...I don't know why other people find MY cutting to be a problem, but i guess it is coming out of a place of love and caring.  I just don't find my cutting to be a problem.  It is my thing that i do and shouldn't be so affective on others....if anyone has any idea why this is, please tell me, kay?

With much love, light, peace and hope,

xxanadu

1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

4:11 AM - Eeyore arrives unnaounced....what a fiasco!

well, my best friend whom i spoke of yesterday, the addict, came to my house yesterday unnanounced yesterday afternoon....not only did he stop by, but he came into my house, and upstairs to find me asleep (i really must remember to lock my front door!!) with a migraine...a condition which he only exasperated, unfortunately...I don't think i am ready to accept him back into my life yet, as he still is handling emotional issues as he did while using (he's been clean for several months now).  Although, he has moved into the 3rd phase of his recovery process, moving him into an apartment with other addict recovery patients.  He has one roommate, a larger apartment than when he was here and on his own, and seems to be doing well with his recovery, all of which i am so grateful for.  He came here expecting to find his old friend, accepting and happy to see him.  What he found was a cranky, mentally unstable bitch, off lithium, and in no mood for a visitor as i was more miserable than usual yesterday. 

In a way i feel bad about the way things went, but in another, some things which were left unsaid back when he was using and i was separating myself, were finally said.  For this i am happy as i had to get them out of my system.  Some things never change though.  Issues which i thought were due to his drug use are still alive and well.  One of which, trust, i demand in all of my relationships, including friendships.  He reacted to something i very innocently was speaking about as if he were a controlling husband to me.  My husband is very accepting, thank goddess, of the way i conduct my life, and of my friends.  It is very hard these days, probably in any days, to find a man who is fine with their spouse having mainly male friends, a fact which has been a constant in my life since forever, even as a child.  He is fine with eeyore being here alone with me, as he is of my other best friend, whom i met at my job.  He is married for 6 years and 3 years younger than i.  Eeyore is 45 years old, divorced with 3 boys, teens, and very wierd about our relationship.  He wishes to have a more intimate relationship and he knows my position on this, which is never.  When we met, he was drinking heavily and i took him on as a sort of project.  I wanted to help him get clean.  That was 2 1/2 years ago.  He has since stopped drinking, but started using crack about 1 1/2 years ago.  He is now in rehab for the 2nd time, the first being nearly a year ago.  He is bipolar as i am, almost identical symptoms, except he isn't quite as bad as i am.  He isn't rapid cycling or mixed...he stays mainly on the depressed side, whereas i mainly stay both at once, with the manic side coming thru a bit more usually.  Now, off my lithium, i am even more unstable than when on all my meds.  This proves to be very volitile in my mood swings, which is what was happening yesterday during his visit.

I am all over the map with my emotions, the only one which is totally non-existant is crying.  I never can cry.  This has also been a constant since childhood.  (man do i need therapy or what?? LOL)  All of my doctors, both medical and psychiatrist/psychologist types, believe i was abused as a child, an unfounded fact, unless i am supressing it.  But every doctor i've seen the past 5 years or so have asked me if i was due to my different symptoms.  Who knows, maybe i am hiding some deep dark abuse secrets which i've blocked out...But so far, i've been seeing psychs since about 1995, nothing has surfaced except some strange discipline stuff which i'm very aware of.  nothing which would cause many of my symptoms.

So, back to eeyore, he woke me up from a nap with a migraine by walking into my house uninvited, unannounced, expecting me to just be so elated he was here, and i just am not in that space yet with him.  Then he started crap during our discussion, i lost it, told him off about it and had to wait for him to leave to catch a bus.  Had i been visiting him i would have left straight away after he started up.  It is very disconcerting to have someone in your home after a discussion like that with nowhere to run... I wanted a glass of wine to try to calm me down, but felt it very rude to do such a thing with an alcoholic here, so i just had to sit here with him acting as if just because he dropped the subject that everything should be okay.  I truly still believe he is a narrcisist, but he's not been diagnosed as such.  He has been diagnosed, i believe, with borderline personality disorder, something i have been saying he had for well over a year now.  This could cause some of what goes on, but not all.  He finally left about 1/2 hour later, and i couldn't even find it in me to give him a hug and kiss goodbye, something which really upset him (i am a hugger and kisser with everyone upon arriving and leaving)...ya well,,,another day in the xxanadu house lol....

thank goddess for my animals!

with much love, light, peace and hope,

xxanadu

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

4:40 AM - Why did they make it so difficult to disappear???
Current mood: discontent

Thank goddess for this blog...a place where i feel safe to speak my mind where the people it will truly affect will not be able to casually come across it (hubby doesn't do the puter much and will never find it, and as far as i know my best friend doesn't know about it), a place where i can rant and vent when the despair feels so heavy....I do not mean to trigger or upset those of you who visit here, especially those of you who are truly my friends...But i needed a place to place my thoughts and this one just seems perfect...one day it could serve to be a map of sorts of where my life, my mental state, went wrong, maybe just a journal of sorts to reflect on later in life.  For now it serves as a palate for me to place my most intimate of thoughts on, hopefully it will help someone someday, if nothing else for them to say to themselves, i don't want to be this way anymore, a reflection of them, maybe just to learn as i say what is on my mind...a case study...who knows its purpose.  there has to be one, though, and whatever it is, something has prompted me to start it at this time in life.

Today i just feel as if i wish to disappear.  I feel like this often as of late.  But, i know that it would hurt people in my life, which is against everything i believe in.  I also know to disappear completely,  i will just come back in another life to do it all over again...something i would wish on noone.  Sometimes during my reflection periods, something unfortunately i've had ALOT of in the past few weeks, i just ask the gods and goddesses to bring me back home, back to the other side, that my learning time here has run out and everyone else would be in such a better place with me finally at peace.  But, this is not to be, not any time soon, anyway.  I feel like i am disappointing so many people in my life at times, and mentally, there is no way around it.  I've had a time like this only 2 times earlier in this lifetime...one when i was very sick for about 5 1/2 months (sick like i am now) and the other when i was trying to find my path, a period of about 3 years.  This time around, i feel as i did both times, but together, not separately.  I feel as if i am coming into a new phase on my path, yet i am physically and especially mentally so ill~equiped to handle it, i am so ill, period, that i cannot process the process...

I am sick now on top of being sick.  My body finally gave in to the barrage of viruses and bacteria it has been open to the past few weeks and it is directly in my throat (which i am sure is some sort of sign as this same sickness went from a head cold to a lung ailment in my husband only 2 weeks ago-the normal incubation time for a viral infection, i caught it about 3 days ago.)...my voice is decreasing daily...this morning in talking with my babies (my cockatoo and guinea pig to be exact), i found it to be decreased by about 50% from yesterday.  They (the higher~ups) are trying to tell me something by this settling into my pharnyx and voice box.  Possibly it is time to shut up?? LOL  but, i cannot just do this as my nature is to say what is on my mind, good or bad.  I am a very 'honest' person and i say just about everything because i feel that it is important to be as true as i can with those i love, especially when it deals with their well being. 

I have 2 best friends, one who is in rehab right now for crack and alcohol addiction and the other who visits me nearly daily since my 'convalesence'.  The one in rehab wrote me a 5 page letter a few weeks ago, as my phones were shut down, and now my home number has changed, but he doesn't know this yet..I cannot seem to be able to find the energy or the will to write him back yet..partially due to my honesty issue.  I am so afraid to say the wrong thing to him, i don't want him to know how i am mentally or physically, as i have deteriorated since i last saw him considerably.  Physically, it is very difficult for me to write alot at once..my tremors have returned also, which makes my writings nearly illegible at times.  It also tires me in all facets of life to write as many times (here included) i write 'automatically'...meaning i just type (or write) without thinking about it...sometimes i've written this way and was surprised at what was on the page later upon reading it.  I tend to do this alot when writing my friend...i do not wish to hamper his recovery as it is his at least 2nd time in rehab since i've known him for about 2 1/2 years now, the first of which i was very involved in.  This time i began my mental decline during his relapse and decided midway to separate myself from him (we used to hang out nearly daily) as to try and save myself and give him a lil dose of 'tough love' (something that does not work well in a crack habit i found out) and try to punish him in a way by not going around him when he used.  I am so proud of him for placing himself into rehab for bipolar disorder as well as his problems with substance abuse, but somehow this time it is very difficult to tell him so. 
I have gone through so much since losing Harry (my pap) in March (and in feburary in some ways) as well as by needing to separate myself from my father due to his lifestyle since his passing (they lived together and my father has since allowed his leeching, crackhead, prostitue girlfriend live there with my sister, her boyfriend and her 4 children), that i feel as if my whole life is falling apart in ways.  I don't wish to reflect this upon my friend who is hurting in his own ways.  And as you can all tell, my mind is not in its best place at the moment.

So, my wish to disappear goes on, and will for quite some time i fear...this is the reading i am getting when i meditate on it...But, i am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason, and from this life lesson, i will learn, even if it be all too late....

with much love, light, peace and hope,

xxanadu

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment