So There I Was

Santa Barbara, the Velvet Jones Lounge, the middle of the early Spring Morning. We'd just finished the show and we were looking hot and sweaty when all of a sudden there she was, a pretty girl with brown hair came right up to me and talked my willing ear off for a good twenty odd minutes right back stage, behind the black curtain.

Ryan the drummer interrupted us, but my eyes never left hers.

Usually I would have told her where to stuff the hippie garbage, but she was different, she was a great girl. Free spirit, open, interesting, everything I look for in a girl. We embraced, I told her that I wanted nothing more than to see her again, and then she disappeared into the Central California fog.

My Search has commenced, I will not rest until I find you, but all I have is this here website, and it will hav to do. Can love bloom online? does hope stand a chance here on this meet-market dimestore friend network?

Who are you mystery girl? Are you out there? You must contact me here! you know who this is!

1:59 AM - 12 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

I Mark Adkins will once again be proudly reporting to you from MySpace.

Like I said, I will be but not now. I will also be posting am email address for you to contact me personally.
For instance, you will now be able to ask me advise on nearly anything. From romance to travel tips to the age old question, "French hairstylist vs. domestic. That sort of thing. My first inquiry was from Frank from the greater Port city of Greece. He asked, "Mark, when the battery in my auto dies, should I hold a proper funeral for it, give it to the out of towner at the repair shop or dump it into the sea?". A valid question, but I'm out the door and on my way to Trader Joe's to pick up a tub of their signature Three Pepper Hummus. I will get back to you Frank. Thanks for the inquiry!
See how efficient this service will be!
I look forward to all of your questions, comments as well as feedback.

All The Best,

Mark

10:14 AM - 11 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Watching Indian Jones and Listening to the Pogues: A cursory review of three days in Calfornia

So...

Here we are again loyal lovely readers, me and my thoughts and you and your laptop...

Ryan here, news down there

San luis Obispo: a lovely town nestled in between Santa Barbara and the North of California, A DMZ if you will between two regions of the Golden State that possesses the sharpest cultural divide I have ever encountered within any one state in the union. Regardless of this fact Guttermouth loves North and South with equal abandon.

A casual observer of our show in SLO would doubtlessly argue that they were witnessing the implosion of a band live and in technicolor...which is both true and false

Guttermouth is not going away folks, we are here to stay. And Thank you SLO for giving us a good time.

924 Gilman Street: if you were there and had fun, you know exactly why it was fun for you. If you were present and possibly offended, then you were touched off by the same exact reasons that made the show so much fun for the bulk of those in attendance...enough said

South Lake Tahoe: on the border of Nevada and California in a place called Whisky Dick's Saloon, Guttermouth played a sweaty messy show to a crowd of enthusiastic lover's of the drink, one of the best times I've had in years.

And that' all for now, if you have any questions, listen to "Rum Sodomy and the Lash" and then get all philosophical and pretentious and you'll be right where my mind is at.

Speaking of Irish Folk/Punk...anyone Heard the latest from Flogging Molly? If not, give it a listen, one of the best records I've owned in years.

Until soon, Ryan

1:45 AM - 11 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s late at night, we don’t have a chance...

to score a damn thing to keep us awake...therefore I will dictate my score to the lot of you!

Tonight we saw X at the Henry Fonda in Los Angeles, which kicked the balls off of Social Distortion!

I've got Scissors, I'm not afraid to use them...in between hick-ups that is!

I will cut out from the paper the emblem of "Toyota" which eventually will kick the crap out of GM someday!

there once was a grand day when Lee Iacoca tried to save the country by saving the company that was…Chrysler!

the one thing he did do, Mr. Iacoca was to invent the minivan...which became a staple of American society…which was enough to redeem the fledgling car industry.

But, as gas prices soar...due to inflation...definitely not dude to W's war on countries such as Tanzania, possibly Darfur, maybe Afghanistan...which oddly enough…incidentally.

Speaking of Afghan's, my mother...no, my Grandmother once upon a time, took a dickload of time to knit me an Afghan for my birthday, or for Easter…I cannot recall…inconsequential as the event may have been.

The warmth I feel from the handcrafted warming device, more notably known as a "blankey" was not only soft to the touch, but I feel as if the tribes of gambling Indians aided in the velour-like comfort, warmth, stead-fast hopefulness that if I were cabined in Colorado during the 1900's, my chances of survival would be fair to midland.

Other than that...I do have an axe to lop down trees for the warmth I may need during the cold winter that is found in nowhere but Colorado.

I am thankful for one thing...and I'm not sure who to thank...but sometimes I thank Political personnel, such as Al Gore who won the book award (known as the Whoopie Goldberg or Oprah Winfrey Book of the year award...they're all the same to me…

Think about it! Oprah was so intrigued by a book about methamphetamine recovery that was total hogwash, that not only did she wash the hog, but she had the author appear on her program once again to tell the truth about the bollocks and the untruth's about it!

My take on this is Money! This fucking guy made dickloads of money off of some crazy ass tall tale that brain surgeon Dope-rah believed...that I don't know

I think Oprah should be the next judge on American Idol...replacing either that Black guy, or Paula Abdul (the Persian Rebel)

this has been a trying night for me. I 've wanted nothing more than to kick my feet up on the sofa and find a powdery white substance, then gently apply it to my tube-steak and friends, warding off the evils of Climate Change due to the Chinese and their abuse of Tibet...and I repeat...due to the Chinese and their abuse of the environment with no regard to future generations.

Speaking of!

In the hypothetical situation, the movie King Kong was real! And it most obviously must have come from China. Because only such a grotesque ape and monkey variety of tree climbing beast who also had the ability to climb not only the Empire State Building but also the Twin Towers as well could have come from…

This may sound like two different movies, Color and not Color, however the one that was not In Color, well you could still tell that the Monkey was Black.

Back to China!

Lucky for the Crew, each crew had a skilled Fisherman...on the first movie the fisherman was named Nick. Nick could capture fish with Cheese, ape netting and the occasional spot of dynamite.

In the second movie, the fisherman was named Carl...he was not a fisherman by trade, but by chance. Fishing was his bag. Carl was adept at netting (and I use that term loosely) more than enough fish for Jeff Bridges and the rest of the cast, as well as enough for Geoff Santini, who were all of them fans of the fish flounder (or cousin of said fish)

Alas…No one minded the strictly fish menu! Deep fried, skillet served, cooked under a magnifying glass...that thing they cook ants under...this method of preparation always brought forth a succulent and savory treat for the skipper and his first mate, his fair maiden and, because of the collective efforts of Nick and Carl, the crew and cast would never suffer the scurge that is scurvy and providence would befall them all.

So let that be a lesson to you. Vitamin C, Fish with vitamin C, bring forth the concoction of the magic of trans-atlantic Scurvy free voyages...welcome aboard

Good Night, and Healhty Fishing to you all

-Mark

3:45 AM - 20 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

If you or anyone you know lives in Northern California

Then Run (do not walk) to the nearest and greatest venue in an around your little neck of the earth, look up to the bright lights of the Marquee and check to see if you are greeted by the word Guttermouth shining back at you in the splendor of the night sky!

If it is, then we are a coming your way! you lucky bastard you!

If it is not, then you must live in an awful town and we didn’t want to come play for you in the first place...

That’s right sports fans, Guttermouth is playing a myriad of shows in Northern California

Santa Cruz! Santa Barbara...Bakersfield! and many more!

and (statistically speaking) the chances are good that we will be in a town near you...

So come on down and bring the wife and kids!

Don’t have a wife and kids?

Then bring someone else wife and kids, buy the kids ice cream, pin a twenty dollar bill to their chests, drop em at the bus stop and bring the little lady to our show.

you don’t need kids around when you’re trying to handle delicate matters...You know what I mean?

I mean having an affair with someone else’s wife! That’s what I mean!

See ya there folks!

Ryan

1:10 AM - 16 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

And the Holy Trinity of Bro: the Mini-Tour of a Lifetime! (the clean version)

Ya know...

You come home from a gig, happy, hearty, healthy, and just slightly buzzed...

And you run smack fucking dab into a cautionary note on your door from your roomate...Sam...that says a goddamned "giant" rodent and your cat were having fight night in Manhattan Beach all over your 700 thread count Egyptian Cottons!

So what do you do?

For my part, I brave and enter my hovel shithole of a tour neglected room and encounter what can on be described as either a Small Pony, or a giant fucking rat...

I will sleep on the couch tonight, and I will forever listen to Sam when he says "you may want to sleep on the couch tonight"

SO!

Where has Guttermouth been?

South Bay, Corona/Riverside, Huntington Beach!!

Holy Crap I've seen more big white trucks and dickies shorts in the past three days than any man should have to bear.

But I digress...

First stop, California's South Bay!

Home of the Descendents, Black Flag, the Circle Jerks, and (your's truly)...me

betcha didnt know that did ya?

neither did most of the crowd...good to be home people

Show was great, saw many friends...wish not to divulge their embarassing stories here

Maybe in my memoirs...HIIOOO BOOK DEAL!!

Up Next...

Corona California...

Where? A strip club/bar venue called Angel's...

Why? Don't ask me or Kevin...we went to the strip club and caling the fucking place "Angel's" is like putting an Evening Dress and Glass slippers on Lindsay Lohan...it just don't fit

Ok..maybe it does, god I wanna fuck her!

Anyway, another good show, drunk people, drunk band, drunk Strippers! now were fuckin' talkin'

ah...right, god will get back at me somehow for this one...

And, for the Epic Conclusion to this, our three stop, no bullshit, Lighting round tour of the three "Broest" fucking places on the face of Yaweh's Green Earth:

Huntington Beach!

Haha...Home of Guttermouth (So they tell me) and home of...well...slip on's?

I don't know...

But, once again, Kickass show. Fun people, good cause...

And to be serious for just one second. Tonight at Gallagher's we did a benefit for a lad who needs a new heart, his name is Dustin and all of us are pullin for him...

Just thought I'd Lighten the mood for a sec

SO!!

Thank you to our good friends Janis and Jared at AMI, our man in the I.E. Jared, and Jason at Dank and Jordan...thanks for the time lads...ah you're a good lot!

And Now dear readers...I'm off to brave the rat cocoon that used to be my bedroom...on second thought, maybe I should listen to Sam...

I may sleep heavily on the couch tonight folks, but rest assured my heart is light and resting happily on the hot pink hood of some dickheads four-linked F-150 in the South Bay/I.E./ H.B.

Regards, Ryan

2:21 AM - 12 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

And For the Sake of Closure: Colorado, part 2. The Epic Conclusion (the abridged version)

So where was I?

Oh yeah...

Crested Butte Kicked rocks...meaning good show. Sadly it would be the last time we would set our hungry eyes upon the lovely ladies of Civet. Why? Oh I will tell you why...

We come up the mountain to Breckinridge and Mark looks a little green but altogether still alive.

we go to our hotel...

Mark hands me my room key...

We go to tentative sleep...

In the middle of the morning, hours before we even have to show up at the venue, Mark starts coughing...

I awake to the sound of an Adkins lung bakery and...

I am angry...

until I see his face.

And, suddenly, without warning, completely out of the blue!

Mark, Literally gasping for air, lunges at me with a panicked look in his eye and grabs my throat screaming "AHHH...AHHH, RYAN...AHHH!!!"

I scream in return "WHAT?"

And with a fevered look in his dead grey eyes, the gasping ball of cookie dough that used to be my lead singer says "I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA DROP!!"

And in return, the shrieking insensitive prick that is always me says to the heavily breathing, 40 year old, dying wad of wrapping paper:

"IF YOU DIE CAN I HAVE YOUR HONDA?"

Is it funny now Mark? Seriously, dude I thought you were screwing around!

Nothing? well fuck you too..

Cut to five days, two missed gigs (sorry Breck and Vail, we shall return) and about a thousand antibiotics and Saline IV bags later...and Mark has Pneumonia and a rather serious case of acute pulmonary adema.

Word!

anywho, Mark is alive and well and was dancing and singing this very day...

He pulled it together for Grand Junction and he pulled it together for Salt Lake City...and every one of you mothergrabbers who went to those shows should appreciate him for this very fact:

MARK HAD PNEUMONIA WHEN YOU SAW US PLAY!

I'll bet that your tender ass skips work at the chicken factory when you've got a serious case of sniffles and acute pussification

So...

In light of this fact, let us all take this opportune moment to thank Mark for sucking it up and playin with pain just like Joltin Joe Dimaggio did (you know he had Arthritis...or was that Mantle?)

Anyway!

Colorado and Utah!!

From the brig of my heart valves and from everyone here at Guttermouth:

Thank you and we love you, and we will doubtlessly see you all next year

Regards, Ryan

4:41 AM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Colorado and...Guttermouth Memories!!! everyone here looks tired

Shit Yeah Stains and Soaks!!

I'm Fuckin Stoked!!

You Wanna Know Why?

Ryan Here...news down yonder'

We just finished the first and last dates of what was (to me) a full-fledged snow soaked wet and disgustingly distinguished frigid as a Moose's dick tour of...

Colorado and some adjacent states...

Mostly, Utah...in fact only Utah

And now...For this...the 5th official Edition of:

Guttermouth Memories!!!!!

I cheer for myself!!

I'm goddamned rad I say!

Anyhow!!

Mark, Kevin, and Myself ran right on out of Orange county early like to avoid the hellishly long drive that was the tow to pick up the rest of our family in Denver Colorado. On the way, We stayed at Buffalo Bill's in Primm Nevada where Mark and I lost a dick load of money on roulette...we had something on top!!!

…Eric Hodge…we love ya…nuff said

We picked Up Scott, Don, and Capable Merchadise Technician David Velasco at Denver international...very little snow, what gives? Seriously, they call it inversion or something?

So!!

Fort Collins was the first stop...not my last stop...I was on a heroin binge...shoot me up Scotty! I was so looped to the moon that my dick would not have risen for the almighty resurrection...

I was fucking smoked man...

Joking!!! Joking!!!

Heroin is for stupid...and as Kevin will willfully quote back to me (anytime he wants to burn my pompous ass to the ground)

"You do Know I'm Smart...right?

I don't do Heroin! I do, however do, do Mushrooms!!

Which (might I add) almost got me fired from the band for being a direct and disassociated douche-bag right before the beginning of a set...

I apologize...I was on Hallucinogens...don't do them...unless you really like:

SEEING YOUR FAVORITE SONGS IN TECHNICOLOR ON FIRE IN YOUR MIND WHILE YOU STARE AT YOUR OWN KNEES AND WISH TO GOD...THAT...

…This nightmare would end...

Yeah Mushrooms are like that!

Fort Collins Kicked Ass

DENVER...COLORADO...DATELINE...SOME FUCKIN NIGHT!

We love the Marquis! The Denver Crowd gives us only one option!

Pure Scumbag Rock and Roll:

Don Looks bad in just about anything but the rock man pose! Think: Sex, Love and Jimmy Page…and then add 30 pounds…pure fucking great guitar man…

He's the only man I would ever let fuck my drums!

Or spit on me, which he did… Did Don spit on you?

Next up Containers and Receptacles…Colorado Springs!!!

Whooo…

Shit…I have little memory…Except!!!

The Girls from Civet: In fact…let me take a moment to kneel at their stilettos and suck on their pointed heeled feet…pretty punker girls turn my motherfucking crank!!!

I would be proud to love up any one of those girls…and don't think I did not try. However, their virtue held out, as did their pride…

They were (after all) professionals. But more importantly, they were a good band…

I respect them all, and am proud to call myself friends with Suzi, Liza, Danni, and Jacqui…bless you ladies, you braved a cold and isolated tour that has made "McSkillet Burritos" of many a man band

So that's all I remember of the first leg…I was kind of a mess…

Up next: Me, Mark, and the "Cobra Kai" take that faggot Danny LaRusso down on the streets of Crested Butte…and then Mark almost Dies…If you or anyone else you know were slightly curious about that, then tune in next time…

Ah Ha Balls…Fuck I hate me for making a cliffhanger!!! I would hate me too if I were you!

But you know you'll be here…As will I.

With regards…enjoy the weather!!!

Theft, Ryan

1:34 AM - 7 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

You know, there are times in a man’s life when...how the hell do you spell vineager...vinaeger?

Vinegar?

Is it Vinegar?

...Godamned State Sponsored Education!!!

Salt Lake City! The Bar Deluxe!! Beer one third the strength of normal beer...

Christian Based fanatical Orthodox religion nine tenths the strength of any other governing body/corporation/Economic body in the state!

I little Ironic I feel!!

Good Show in spite!

SO!! Moving Right along!

Salt Lake City, We thank you for being our last stop on this one...a good stop, not a bad one

This blog is a smaller version of a previous one that was a hell of a lot longer, but I felt it was a bit crap and off the point, so I edited myself

Highlights of the tour in general to come

Many Thanks!

1:31 AM - 5 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

And For the Fourth time in my life, I have eaten a Moon’s over my Hammy...

Wanna Know Why?

Because Guttermouth Played a show tonight..and I was hungry afterward!!

Anti-climactic?

Yes!

Silly?

A resounding Yes!!

Important?

You bet your nuts and nuggets it was important!!!

I...Actually like listening to Slayer

but I am diverging from the point of this Blog!!

Mark is OK,

he had a bad battle with Pneumonia...and other stuff...

Stuff that does not make sense to me right now...But, he's doing alright

Thank you Grand Junction, for putting the Mark back in...Guttermouth

For now...Ryan Down Here...News up there...signing off

more later...

1:01 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

And God Said Unto Mark Adkins...you owe me one!

Greetings Cupcakes and Muffins

Ryan Here...heavy heart down there

Ya Know, the Late great Musical Philosopher John Lennon once said:

"All you need is Love"

But today I beg to differ...Oxygen is important as well...Come to think of it...love doesn't mean shit if you can't fucking breathe

My friend and lead Singer Mark Adkins has himself experienced the reality of this philosophical maxim...on this very night

I'm no Doctor...but according to my now practical expert opinion on the subject

Oxygen Saturation (commonly reffered to in contemporay television medical dramas and comedies as "O2 Sats") is a very important aspect of organic life...it essentially means how much Oxygen is in your blood stream...

...there is going to be a quiz later

Normal O2 sats range at 100%...anywhere below that is crap and you've got problems

Mark's O2 Sats on this very night when we were scheduled to play in Breckinridge were hovering between the 81 and 75% range

Ive now been told that 02 sats anywhere below 70% can cause cardiac arrest..and without prompt medical attention...death!

Death!!!

Anyway...I'm all out of comedy, I am genuinely worried about my friend...even though he now seems ok, oxygen machine and all

The mountains and thin aired high altitude are beautiful, mysterious, and apparently deadly...

Breckinridge...we look forward to your show every year...we are genuinely sorry and we will make it up to you, that is a promise

Anyhow...

now for the quiz: what was the name of Richie Cunningham's older Brother who jaunted off to College early in the tenure of the Classic and timeless show "Happy Days"?

The first women, man, child, chicken, or mohican scumbag to answer this question correctly will win themselves free tickets to a show of their choosing...along with three other friends...this includes California Dates...Arizona dates...any dates you maggots wish to attend.

Sincerley and completely, Ryan

11:07 PM - 33 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

Howdy Doody...I froze my fucking feet to my Converse Chuck Taylor’s

Hello there everyone who does and does not live in creste Butte...

Once Again, Ryan Here...ah that's right...news down there

Crestted Butte...for the uninitiated, is located square in the middle of Bumfuck Colorado...literally the middle of the Rockies, frigid as a Cuban hooker...don't ask

Tonight we played to a sweaty crowd of punk rock fans and created the only warm fuzzy spot in all of Crested Butte...warm...fuzzy...sweaty...people spitting on me...uh?

So Yeah!!!

Mark rocked his vocal chords to the very brink of destruction, and the crowd was happy

Don...being the Mountain man that he was born and bred, was the only one of our crew to not practically lose consciousness due to thin air and Ridiculous fucking elevation...

As I type I am literally coughing harder than my Grandfather did throughout his whole lifetime...and he had lung Cancer...and fought a war...with one lung...in a submarine...while smoking...

The girls from Civet used our gear because the stairs leading the place were beyond treacherous...and then did not thank us....uh

But they made it up to us by Giving Kevin, Myself and Capable Merchandise Technician David Velasco a ride home so we would not collectively freeze our fucking asses off in the cold and unforgiving Crested Butte night...

Crested Butte...I could go for an easy pun here people, but I am better than that

Tommorow is Breckinridge for all you hip mountain cats that wanna dig on the Sherpa and Yetti's scene man...far out

Sorry...Mark and I have been brushing up on our "Beatnik"

See you there all you spit lobbing scumbags...and thank you Crested Butte!!

Ah good night!

1:17 AM - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Rockies...just some ideas

Oh the beloved snow capped center of Colorado...speaking for myself

beautiful place,

However.

we've been off for the past few days ...nothing new to report, just wanted to let you know that ALL OF US...including myself are starting to feel like Jack Nicholson in the Shining

all play and no work make Ryan write poorly prepared internet blogs

up Next...Crested Butte Motherfuckers, at a place called the Eldo...come and eat drink and be merry...the mountains have a way of opening up the best in people

7:10 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I will gut you with your fucking aviator shades!! Colorado Springs

FUCK FUCK FUCk

hello there kittens and cats!

Ryan Here...again, news down there

Colorado Springs was the shit...everyone had fun and everyone did a great job

some of the guys did something that was fun

I can write what I wish I can spin words into insults or salutations...

I got lossed in Colorado Springs...and now I'm fairly positive that I know the downtown area better than I know the tip of my penis

That's all?

That can't be all?

but It is...

what do you want from me?
More to come...I am very very tired.

1:23 AM - 6 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

From Frozen Denver...I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner!!

Hey...how the hell is everyone?

Ryan Here... more news below....

First things first...uh...it has been 3 hours since our last performance and I must say...uh...yeah...it was in Denver

No, No Im Kidding! it was a hearfelt blast!!

The Girls from Civet and Kevin and Mark had a weird Miller Light Shotgunning contest...and guess who won?

Give Up?

I'll give you a hint...the winner looks absolutely stunning in a set of fishnet stockins

Some guy spit on me...nah nah nah

Some guy spit on Don...ha ha ha

And let me say something about Don...as cuddly as he is, he is quite the ass kicker. He kicks ass with the absolute cream of the proverbial crop...Don rises to the top and Stays puffed up like a Flan in an oven...one might say that Don Crushes!

...and I quote: "Kicking ass is rough"

And I repeat..."Kicking ass is tough" So Sayeth the Lord!!

Anywho!!

Mark made fun of Everyone, Scott made pee into a bottle, Kevin Ripped some kid from some band a new asshole because the jackass claimed he was a better bass player...

By the way, just a note of caution: Never make fun of Kevin...

Or...

Mark my words, the man will make you wish you had been aborted at birth...the creepy bastard slings insults to beat the band, and he will indubitably tear you a new chocolate cheerio if you challenge him...just a warning

Until tomorrow fuckbags!

4:22 AM - 11 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment