So you're dating Tom Green? Good christ, do you think there aren't any men left in the world? Apparently you have a history of dating guys younger than you, so for god's sake kick him to the curb and make out with this younger dude. I've only been waiting since, like, Beetlejuice.
Yep, I still enjoy some pro wrestling from time to time. a De La Soul search on youtube led me to ted dibiase, which led to razor ramon, on to goldust and hakushi... and finally back to G.L.O.W... Who remembers G.L.O.W? HOLY FRICKING GOD. This stuff was pure garbage elevated to art. Too bad for the WWF that they've never had a commentator as good as this guy at the rapid-fire insults and cheesy one-liners. The wrestlers intro raps are fucking amazing. This should be in reruns.
Thanks everyone who wished me well. I am actually nursing an immobile left arm right now. anyway, today is my birthday and here is some stuff that happened today over the years.
Born today: Ambrose Burnside (from whom the term "sideburns" is derived) Robert Moog Drew Carey Ilia Kulik
and a bunch of others.
Died today: Captain Kidd Bonnie and Clyde Heinrich Himmler Owen Hart (impaled on a ring-post)
and others not as interesting.
What else happened today? well, Joan of Arc got nabbed (for reals, not by bill and ted), The second defenestration of prague went down, Napoleon was crowned king of italy, The mounties were founded, and the kyoto protocol was ratified by 55 countries, until Bush wiped his ass with it.
A note about the prague thing, some crooked governors were thrown out of the windows in a high tower into a giant pile of shit below. That's pretty good, but it set off a war.
It's kind of too bad we don't throw people out of windows into piles of shit as punishment anymore, you know? "You're a fucker, this is what you get. you deserve it." Ah, simpler times.
Can I throw someone out a window and into a big pile of shit for my birthday? Please?
KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.
Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.
Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.
Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.
"You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you. We've had a number of attempted lynchings. ... You see them covered in marks after being beaten," Kinshasa's police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, told Reuters on Tuesday.
Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.
"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," Oleko said.
"But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said.
Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members.
"It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.
I don't think I really can add anything. This story makes its own gravy.
The past few days I’ve been having really crazy vivid dreams, and they have been coming in threes. I’ll sleep a few hours, wake up after a crazy dream, sleep a couple more, wake up and ponder the next crazy dream, and then sleep a couple more hours and have more crazy dreams. Some involve people I know, one was set in this small, weird, dark boutique that exists in the bizarro bellingham that I sometimes dream about. I wrote matt gischer a check on a piece of cardboard in that particular dream, and then there were bunch of people missing fingers and one missing an eye. But last night was the best one yet. In this dream, I was someone else, I dunno who, and I went jogging with my (his) brother. we jogged to a playground and decided to jog up and down some of the equipment there. So after we had jogged up this thing, he jogged down first, and right when I was about to go down, a leprechaun showed up and said "mind if I jog through, boyo?" like he was playing through on a golf course or something. I said OK, and when he went past, I snatched him up and made him take me to his pot of gold. So there we are, he hands over this big black cauldron thing full of gold coins, and I stuck my feet in it and just wiggled my toes in the money... but then all of a sudden the gold turned into a lemon cream pie, and my left foot was stuck in it. The leprechaun told me that my foot was gonna be stuck in it until someone ate it off. So, I went home. When I showed up with my foot stuck in a pie (which was now creatively decorated with toenails where the nilla wafers might have been) my (his) younger sister, portrayed by My friend Katie’s sister tess, whom I only met once 5 years ago, was all, "oo, nuh-UH! no you didn’t!" like a sassy black lady and then she said "I’m gonna go toenailtale on you!" (like tattletale, but she made a new word!) so then the mom came out and was like "how the hell did you get a pie stuck to your foot?" so I explained what happened and I put my foot up on the table and everyone ate the pie off my foot. The weird thing is that when I woke up, I immediately knew why there was a leprechaun and a pie. I was reading Johnny Ryan comics online right before I went to bed. Here is the culprit. hahahahaha! I hope I keep having crazy dreams like this, it’s fun.
I feel like ranting about stuff, so I’m gonna rant. here goes.
OK, Dave Matthews and Jack Johnson, fuck you. You guys have been the soundtrack to every campus date rape over the last 10 years. Wanna know why? because you are horrible. Cease and desist.
What the hell is the deal with all the hipsters doing lots of blow? Is that what made so many of you assholes? That’s part of the reason coke lost popularity in the 90s, you know. snorting too much marching powder turns people into shitheads. Look at the president. I got no problem with people doing a bump now and again, and a lot of my friends do. But when there’s a 45 minute wait to get into the bathroom at the bar because you fuckers are busy doing rails off the toilet tank, that’s fucked. Sure I just go piss in the alley, but that’s where you dicks oughta be doing that shit. I don’t wanna go outside and walk half a block to pee so you can powder your nose in private. If you’re gonna do that much coke and be shitheads, just go ahead and pull a Len Bias. And while I’m at it, those tight pants look stupid. If you’re gonna wear ’em, you better be a fucking scarecrow, because half of you guys’ thighs are too big and they end up looking like those cones of rotisserie meat at a turkish deli. If you want to make girls look at your junk, get a pair of wranglers. I have a pair, and it makes my wiener look awesome.
Connor Oberst, you boring bastard. Yes, bright eyes has been the toast of the weenis scene for years now, but if you were to take the pathos out of your songs, you’d sound like the carpenters but not as good. Stop acting all tortured. you got to make out with winona ryder so you have nothing to complain about anymore, not even the fact that you’re from omaha.
John McCain, you personally made my life harder. you’re a dick. Also, get a new tailor. OK, so your suit jackets are cut a little long and wide to hide your big fat gut. I got news for you: You had stubby arms to begin with, and those suits make them look like little penguin flippers. You’re like, 200 years old. you’re entitled to your gut. Also, you should get that abcess in your molars looked at, because the left side of your face sticks out about a foot. What? it just does that? Well, you’re the ugliest penguin ever, then.
North Koreans, you are stupid. I don’t mean the horrible government, I mean the common poltroon. Yes, you. How can you still think that your government is great when factories are empty, there’s no electricity, and you’re eating boiled grass to stay alive? Don’t hand me that "it’s not my fault, I’m brainwashed" shit. you’re fucking starving to death, and your leader is fat. If you refuse to see the problem, you deserve your horrible life.
Hey, all you bald guys who shave your heads and grow goatees: stop it! You don’t look like steve austin, you look like idiots. Here’s what you oughta do: start farming that hair you have left, grow a mustache, and wear a corduroy suit and a greek fisherman’s hat. you will be the most stylin’ guy in indiana.
Speaking of mustaches... all you "irony mustache" guys: quit being wusses. We all know that you were watching smokey and the bandit and thought "man, mustaches are awesome!" so you grew one. At least have the stones to be honest about it. It’s like back in the 90s when everyone had a copy of "appetite for destruction" but said it was ironic because you were all too ashamed to admit you still liked buttrock. And eventually everyone fessed up and it was high-fives all around.
Ladies, be careful with cat-eye glasses. horn-rims are always a safe bet, but when you add the pointy parts it gets real dicy. You have to have an adorable face to pull ’em off, and the right kind of adorable face at that. If you don’t, they make you look like woody allen with tits, and if your face is even remotely unattractive, you will end up looking like a basil wolverton drawing and people will run away from you like you’re a walking trash bag leaking garbage juice and AIDS all over the floor. (If your initals are MJE, don’t worry, I saw the picture and you pulled it off with aplomb)
Anuj, if you don’t take molly to the prom, I’m gonna come next door and read you the riot act. I’ve never met her, but I bet she’s a great prom date. Just don’t drink too much and puke all over the limo.
I’m going to write a list of some of the awesome things I’ve seen over the years, because I’m always tickled when they come to mind.
In milan, on the steps of the duomo, which is the massive cathedral they have in town, I witnessed a humongous fat woman walking down the steps with her hands in the pockets of her long black coat. she tripped, and landed face first on the marble. It made a sound like someone hucking a big juicy steak at a wall. it was incredible. The fat lady was OK.
In Amsterdam at new years 1999, they did not have an "official" fireworks display. Instead, they opted to sell really huge fireworks to anyone. Thousands of people packed the town square, and propped their rockets against a big war monument. These rockets would bounce off of buildings and back into the crowd, exploding and burning people. Since everyone there was extremely fucked up on anything and everything all at once, nobody seemed to mind. In fact, everyone was pretty jazzed on the whole thing except for the paramedics who had a hell of a time making it through the crowd to get to the people who were on fire and screaming. This guy was standing a few feet from me with a tube of glue up his nose and got annihilated by some giant exploding thing. Even he didn’t seem to care too much. I escaped unscathed, which was pretty remarkable considering how fucked up I was that night. On my way back to the hostel, I saw a dutch family with the cutest kids ever lighting sparklers in a scene that belonged in a national geographic magazine.
At a goodness show, carrie akre was handed a piece of paper with a story on it and was encouraged to read it to the crowd. The story was about a little girl with the flu who had to go to the bathroom to explode out both ends but was afraid of going by herself so she made her sister come too. while puking in the bowl, the pressure made her spray diarrhea all over behind her, right where her unfortunate older sister was standing. I almost fell over laughing. Turns out it was the true story of my friend amanda’s cousins, which I just learned about last wednesday. Thanks amanda, for spreading that story! Carrie just got more and more grossed out as she read the story, but she finished. Way to go Carrie!
I saw the jesus lizard at the 3B tavern. that was a fucking spectacle. David Yow pulled his junk out and chased all the sorority looking girls around the bar waving his wiener at them, all the while singing and not missing a beat. He also would stage dive and tackle them. Wotta performer!
once I went to the Archer Ale House in Bellingham on a sunday night with a couple of friends, and we were the only people in there except for a few folks who had these weird instruments. Big fat 3 stringed fiddles and lutes and stuff. They started playing music and singing in latin. The owner of the place came out and told us that they were singing 14th century trappist drinking songs, and told us what they were singing. it was super cool.
in Aomori Japan, there were 3 high school girls cavorting and wrestling in a fountain. uniforms came off, and white cotton got soaked. It was like god was standing right there handing out boners. A lot of people pretended not to notice. I took in the show. Who am I to say no to something like that? I’ll never chance upon anything like that ever again, that’s for sure.
In monterey, there was a dead raccoon floating in the bay. For months afterward, Cameron thought that raccoons lived in the ocean.
I saw the Ramones. Immediately after the show, a food fight erupted with people throwing lemons from the lemonade that was being sold. people also bought strawberry shortcakes to throw. picture a couple thousand people spontaneously dividing up into sides and throwing food at each other for a half hour. Then imagine the sight of hundreds of lemons flying through the air, as viewed from above. It was beautiful. Also, I saw the Ramones.
When I was a kid, I met Larry Hagman at the airport in Dallas. He wiggled his ears for me. Yes, he was wearing a cowboy hat and a suit. JR isn’t as evil as he’s made out to be.
When I was 4, some people decided to create the world’s longest banana split. So they set up a big trough snaking through the park strip, filled it with ice cream and bananas and chocolate sauce, and people came and pigged out. For years I was never quite sure if it happened or was just a very vivid childhood fantasy, but then I saw pictures of me and my uncle gorging ourselves on it. I wonder how many people turned up stoned.
I saw a couple of unexplainable creatures. One was a several inch green and red cross between a moth and a dragonfly that flew into my friend’s kitchen. when it appeared, I immediately cried out "fucker fucker man!" and tried to catch it, but it escaped. the other weird creature was "the beast". Kyle and I were in my front yard and heard a really disconcerting snarfling noise coming from some bushes, so we climbed up the apple tree to watch. Pretty soon, this thing came out that looked like a 2 foot high badger with a rat tail and pig snout. It was NOT a possum. It had badger fur and markings, and a badger face with a pig snout. And a rat tail. What the fuck? it sniffed at the tree for a minute and went ambling on its way. We are still perplexed by that beast.
I saw wild camels in kuwait.
I saw Abu Zaid burn off his mustache by mistake when he was trying to light a cigarette. Poor abu zaid!
In amsterdam, they have these things set up that you walk into if you have to pee. they are not plumbed. it’s a big circular metal thing that obscures the view from your knees to your neck, and there’s a rock in there to piss on. you stand there on the sidewalk, pissing on a rock, and watch the world go by.
Curtis Balmer was the daredevil of Al Asad airbase. He got some jalopy running and painted skulls and stuff on it. He once tried jumping it off a big pile of dirt. he ended up just plowing into the dirt and basically antiquing himself. He also pioneered the art of hangar sledding, which I have a video of that I really should post.
Liechtenstein. a great place to go sledding, unless you’re andy, in which case you’ll just get hurt. I have some photos up.
There was this guy I was interrogating, he was rolled up for having a bunch of bomb making stuff. He swore he was innocent. He acted like he was on meth the whole time, and he actually really looked like george harrison. When I got tired of talking to him, I had the guards come and take him back inside, and as he was being led away, he cried out "I love america! I love american music! madonna! Lionel Richie! THE EAGLESSSSSSS!"
I just saw on the news that some dude in hazel dell drove his minivan off the end of a closed bridge and plummeted 50 feet down into a creek, and then was able to pretty much walk away from it. That's not the cool part at all. The cool part is that this guy, Scott Calderon, is this humongous fat guy in slob clothes with a tiny miniature doberman that was riding with him. He also talks in a super affected gay dude voice, which makes it extra funny and ridiculous. So apparently his tiny dog got stuck under his brake pedal and "when I was finally able to kick the dog loose, my foot hit the gas and ZHOOP! off the edge I went." What an awesome mental image, man. huge gross probably gay dude in icky minivan kicking tiny dog for his life, then catastrophe! He was really big, they showed the rescuers hauling him out of the ravine, and there was a whole line of 'em STRAINING to get him out, pulling on this long rope. it took 2 hours. This is why tiny dogs need to go. So do minivans. And tiny dogs should never be in cars.
oh, I'm so happy right now.
and here's a link! There's pictures! http://www.columbian.com/news/localNews/2008/02/02292008_Motorist-rescued-at-Klineline-Bridge.cfm
...is how kay put it in the girl's room at Robert E. Lee high school on the last day of school in 1976. but what it boils down to is still one of the most contentious questions ever posed to a dude: Ginger or Mary-Ann?
This question has taken many forms over the years, but thanks to the endless syndication of gilligan's island, conversations like this one, which I had with my friend Beth in a patternmaking room in 2000, can take place.
beth: "hey boris. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera?"
Me: "is this the ginger or mary-ann question?"
beth: "yes."
me: "uh, christina I guess."
I will qualify my answer by stating unequivocally and for the record that Britney has a down's syndrome nose and it's really really horrible. She kind of has a web neck too. Easy choice.
Another example of this classic type of question is much fonder to me because I grew up watching these 2 shows much more than I did gilligan's island, and that example is "Samantha or Jeannie?"
I have long found myself in the minority in regards to this particular topic. In my unscientific estimation, about 70% of dudes reply with "Jeannie" as the answer. BUNCH OF FOOLS! The reasoning behind this, as you well know, or likely have guessed if you're female, is that Jeannie never seems to wear much. Even as a 7 year old, I always found Jeannie to be a real sad specimen, and I honestly think that If I had been barbara eden, I would feel like I set women back 20 years. Jeannie was an incompetent tag along who ruined everything she touched, spoke in the most obnoxious and dopy tone of voice, and called Captain Nelson "master" while wearing (for the time) next to nothing. The very definition of a bimbo. All I can say is that if I were Captain Nelson, I'd have taken her with me on my next trip to the moon and left her stupid ass there, bottle and all. Instead, he married her. If they had ever put Jeannie behind a steering wheel, I'm sure she would have run over every mailbox and garbage can on the block. I think that's the only "incompetent female" stereotype I never saw Jeannie exemplify. It was an entertaining enough show, I suppose. Always on right after bewitched, and it saved me from having to watch "a family affair"... Mr. French was pretty creepy.
Now Samantha, on the other hand was rad. Say what you will about the premise of the show being an immortal witch falling for a doofus and then wanting nothing more than to be a housewife, (especially after the reasons I gave for hating on Jeannie) she was no bimbo. Sure, she was saving darrin's ass all the time, but to be fair, it was Endora who usually caused the trouble by turning darrin into a walrus, or a gnu, or some other unflattering beast just as he was supposed to be pitching the new slogan to the ad agency for their biggest account yet. But I will take a shot at Darrin for not ever saying "Samantha, could you conjure up a million dollars and a house in Tahiti?" Still, Samantha always saved the day and wasn't an idiot, and I personally always found elizabeth montgomery to be better looking. SO THERE.
The next classic example from TV families would be "which brady sister?" which is extra saucy because not only are there THREE sisters, the only correct answer* is "carol" because Marcia and Jan both suck, and Cindy seemed perpetually 5 years old.
Then of course there's the great question going back further than all of them. "Betty or Veronica?" Yow. There's a reason that 60 years into it, Archie still hasn't managed to make up his mind. Betty Cooper is hot and really nice, and veronica Lodge is hot and really rich. A clever man might answer "midge", but Moose would only kick his ass like he has kicked Reggie's so many times for taking midge on dates. Midge is a poor choice for this reason. This leaves Big Ethel, and there's a reason Jughead runs for the hills when she comes around. I mean, she looks just like Jughead, but with buckteeth.
Which brings us back to the original question.
Mary-Ann, dudes.
*- "all of them, at the same time" is also acceptable.
is lipodissolve. Why is this, you may ask. the answer is simple: it's goat puke. People who put on extra weight from the crap food and slothery epidemic in america have taken to making up for unhealthy living by shooting up goat puke. FUCKING AWESOME. This is so fucking screwy that I'm really thrilled by it. They inject the shit into your tubby bits and the fat is literally eaten away by this shit. Actually, I think it's sheep bile, but I don't feel that I'm gilding the lily by calling it goat puke. It's almost a goat, and it's most certainly puke. I want to know where the puke goes after they shoot it up. and what about the broken down fat? do they have to suck it all out lest you carry around a skin pouch full of puke with a greasy film floating in it? Jesus Christ! This, more than anything I've ever heard of, is the finest example of laziness spawning innovation yet. This is so awful and exciting at the same time. Who thought this shit up? I am simply astonished. And humbled. I mean, sure, tom sawyer fooled some kids into painting his fence for him, but somebody figured out how to get people to pay huge sums of money to get injected with goat puke. THAT is fucking genius. Whoever is responsible, he or she is way up there on my list. Best swindle ever.
and that is my new favorite thing.
IMPORTANT UPDATE!!
I did some digging around on the net and found out more about this stuff. It isn't FDA approved, and so you see ads for places that will give you training to give people the injections because it's unregulated. Even better, you can mail order the stuff yourself. It comes with an instructional video on VCD. how fly by night is that? Even among the proponent websites, there's a lot of disparity in what they say it is and how it works. One site claimed the stuff is a harmles soy derivitive (it's not), and is incapable of causing harm (lies lies lies). They even went so far as to call it "soya" to make it sound more "organic". But here are a couple hard facts: It's been outlawed in brazil. wow. how fucked up and toxic does a substance have to be to get banned in brazil? yikes! Also, it doesn't work by acting against lipid tissues. it simply kills whatever tissue it comes into contact with, so if you don't get the injection in just the right spot, and in the right amount, it will eat holes in your skin, muscle, and connective tissues. A lot of people complain of incredible pain and disfigurement as a result of this shit. And a lot of plastic surgeons won't touch the stuff. But how awesome is it that you can order this stuff through the mail and inject into your jowls? better hope it doesn't eat a HOLE IN YOUR FACE. Might as well be using drano.
but yeah, kyle, we could totally buy the kits and get in on the swindle ourselves.
