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A POETS JOURNAL....... something new...
Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Friends
What I am thinking today.....The greatest gift any person can have is a child, but with the wrong person it can be the biggest mistake you will make in your life. Everybody wishes to keep a family together for you and your children, but sometimes thing dont go as you plan.
So it can be a gift and a curse at the same time, if you mess with the wrong one. This I have learned and am still dealing with!
Life has many trials and test but we will make it through. God wont put on you more than you can bear. I have to keep telling myself this. Got to run business to attend to..Later Journal
yunus
Damn..........Fabruary was a rough month.
When I see words I see the stories within the words.
So I am thinking of February spelled wrong I know
Three major events
My friend brother died
I lost my grandmother
And that was the last time I saw my son,,,,,,
3 major life changing events. It annoyed me that many people thought I wrote the poem for RICHIE RAGZ for my own benefit. I did it from my heart. that is why everytime I read it tears start falling from my irises. He reminded me of myself and we had so much in common. That could of been me getting stabbed by his sons mother. My son or daughter being taken care of by relatives or friends. Even though I only meet him a couple of times, I knew and was very close to his brother TROY. That is still my boy to this day. So hopefully that will air out all people ideas on why I choose to write it. Sometimes GOd tells you or gives you intuition on things. If I can take any word and tell a story then the hardest part is who's story will I choose to tell, and which words will I use to tell it. As soon as I see the words it's like they speak to me. Guess that is my gift or curse. So I pick the abstract thing that speak to me.
Secondly, My grandmothers death was a so sudden. I talked to her a week before she passed and a month before that had a chance to see her. The car I drove sat righ outside of her hospital, but I stayed in the car with my new girlfriend at the time afraid that she would not approve. Jaddah which mean grandmothe in arabic was extremely religious. So, the only way I could bring any women in her presence would be if I was married or enganged. Any other situation would be frowned upon. Now , I regret it, all because I did not want to accept her. Still my ear ring on what my brother said to me before going inside. This may be the last time you get to see her. Two months later I was buring her. So I have to live with that. Now it just hit me that she is really gone. Yesterday , I was flipping through number on my cell phone and said let me call my grandmother. After the third ring I felt like a fool. Forgeting that she had passed 3 weeks ago. Guess I was in ultimate denial of her no being here. When my granfather died, it hit me at the moment of his death.
Third event in February. The situation with my son has reached it's absolute worst point. I have not seen him for month and me and his mother do not communicate without arguing. Just never knew it would be like this. We have been fighting ever since he was born. For the past six years, I have been seeing and spending time with him whenever we are on good terms. Now everything has beed flushed down the toilet and the cycle has been broken. We are done with dealing with each other. And as her voice rings in my head. Jimmy Hendricks...our last argument.....I cant believe that has come to this. The point of no return. No communicating....She say want to see him then I will see yo in court. Imagine me.......a child care worker having to fight in court to see my own child.........under supervised visit......if she had her way like a criminal........
When I have done nothing wrong, but stand in what I believe and try to be there for my son....
GOD sure did make me strong....cause with all these problems I keep fighting to succeed I cant fail.........too many people are counting on me....including myself
August 13 08 sons birthday....reasons to live
A few month ago this thoughts went through my mind.
have you ever thought about suicide. Stopped at your favorite bridge to the enjoy the view, and watch the water travel free, carefree down streams through rocks. the njust for a moment thought about jumping. See the only problem is you dont like pain, and you are scared of heights. you think about it. If you jump are you going to take your jewery off and that new watch your girl just bought you. Caring more for material things then you r own life. CRAZY. So you close your eyes and imagine the moment you go over the rail and how you would do it. Would you slowly fall over the ledge or just run all out and plunge to your death. Also when you hit the bottom rock or the water which is harder then the rocks, what if you just break both your leggs and dont die. Then you would be on the news as the stupidess resident in that state who tried to commit suicide and failed. Or you would be stuck there in pain and slowly drown and suffer. so would it really be worth it/// and all those problems you are facing, is it really that bad. Now there are many ways to kill yourself , but maybe jumping off a bridge may not be the best choice. Not even considering what would happen to you in the afterlife. And who's going to pay for your funeral, when none of your family know where the hell you are and no one can contact them. So in the end you decide I just going keep smoking these cigar and die very slowly instead of fast. Or maybe you start thinking of all the things you have to live for, other than your selfish self.
No matter how bad things seem it is not that bad. keep on living....Somebody loves you...God or your child or a friend, but believe me someone want you to be here......Dont take the easy flight out.
Try sky diving
Bungey jumping
Or motorcycle racing
Go out on a high note.
Yes a poet journal is random thoughts stories and whatever. Maybe this will help someone, because it made me think twice about it.
And the worst part about suicide is....what if at the last minute you change you mind right as you are falling to you death bu tit would be too late by then.
dear journal august 11 08 Monday.
At work but not working. "Well I am early.
So what do you think about the olympics spelled right I hope. Man the world of athlete is no joke. I was cheering for china because they have been through so much, until the basketball game started. We won in the end but they where kicking our ass in the begginning. Yao hit a three pointer to open the game up, and the speed the posses on the floor was unbelievable. The only thing they have not mastered in other countries is that finesse and dunking with style. We grew up playing this game and take it personal when we lose. The redeem team, got wipped so bad that they where calling lebron james LEBRONZE James.That is fucked up really. But he seems to have use that comment to motivate himself more. Well I got to run but we will talk more later...Next topic swimming and gymnastcis fallinhg on their back USA...........Go China GO!!!!
what the hell is wrong with the world Russia and Georgia fighting......Russia is a massive country so in my eye they are the big bully in this. But I have to do more research because I am not there physically to say why they have started fighting. We only know what the television tells us I am going to the BBC hardcore truth
Yunus
Well dear journal I have been thinking about doing this for a while, and finally put breath into action. Nothing to juicy to tell right now. I cannot say I sit around and run through thosands of books like most poets do. , guess I am picky but this one book got me. It was a true story about this girl who becomes an orpan in the beginning of the book. Her parent Die OD on cocaine at her birthday party. While all her friend are present. Not going to ruin the story for you go read it, I think it is entertaining and crazy how the events of her life unfold. Andrea Sieagal The red panda or something like that. I read this book in probably 2 and a half day. Stayed up 3-4 for hour everynight, because I wanted know what was going to happen next. Eyes red and all. I cannot say that for most book that I have come accross......spelled wrong I know but Its my journal I can get away with it.........
Random though the summer has almost gone by and I still have not made it too the beach damn. Still got a whole truck load of problems to fix, Damn and they are still waiting for me to get my license and drive the truck to the land fill and bury all that baggage Damn.....
Well it 220pm and I got to head to work...
Lets see what else happened today. Fixed my resume BORING..okay played on the computer BORING come on give the people or journal what they are looking for.......
When I look at women what do I see. When women look at women what do they see,,,,,or what attracts them.
Dont get me wrong I love a shapely women, but you got to have a head on your sholders. I have settled in my life in my past years ago long long time ago. But it was a learning process.....
My confession for today is that I love breast.......Please dont hate me for it and I went and confessed to the paster. Just give me one good one and I will be faithful. Guess I am old school like that. Ringing in the back of my head is 8 years left to something..
Lets go back to confession I love women, I think God blessed us with them. But in saying that I do not go out there running around. I feel like I just need a chance to get my thoughts out. Hope you are not offended by this journal. I love women of all types and background...Especially carribean women who have accents. I think they are extremely sexy. This is grown folk talk ..I like foreighn women too.......Anything that is outside of my regular diet is cool.Okay that may be the wrong phrase to use.
Anyway I have dated and went out with too foriegn woman in my life and have to say, I have nothing else that can compare to that. Everyone has there preferences and I know someone's going to be offended, but this is my journal and I need to keep it open and free....
I wanted to go back and find old stuff I wrote and put it in here but that will take time.
Farewell and hope no one is angry by the way I am thinking I am not a pig, just pondering things and life.
Friday ......Damn I knew I was supposed to do somethign today. I missed prayer.......Well I am doing bare minimum at this point but I want to try t do better spiritually, but the devil or Satan be getting me.
confusing me, distracting me and everytime I lift food to my mouth or go through some type of trial is when I remember GOd. It is not supposed the be that way, I am weak and must do better
Talk to you later journal
Friday 8- not sure exact day 2008
Peace
Because when they grow up they will eventually find out the truth..
Not your truth
The truth
I also have to remember that snakes aren't the only things in the grass. you have slugs, ogres, bugs, reptiles and other dangers creatures to watch out for
Another random thought
I wonder is jabba the hut from star wars kidnapped R 2 ditu instead of princess laya, what would be the outcome.....
You can't trust a hungry monster with your food, not even left overs...
Because if I am starving I am goin gto eat whatever I can get my hands on.that is life and the code of survival
A poets Dear journal:
Reminder to self not to take for friend the doubters and nonbelievers, because they only protect themselves.
Sometimes I forget old principles and catch a bad dagger to my spine.
You cant change anyone, until the want to change themselves,
Yes I am doing my journal online. The summer has been really productive, not financially. I have been reading some old books I never finished, and formulating new philosophies. I try to always continue to grow and educate myself, regardless if I am in a classroom. Though many people respect that piece of paper, knowledge is everywhere. I hope I never lose the love to seek it out or get lazy.
I mean you can only play the same games over and over and watch the same movie until you need something new. Currently, I have been watching movies from overseas that force me to read the dialogues. The strangest of all was one entitled ALI. This guy from Saudi Arabia or India wind up falling in love and marrying a women twice his age. The setting is in Germany. During this time period no one approves of their relationship because of racial prejudices, but their love outlast all the nonbelievers. I think they go their seperate ways in the end. It was a nice but very strange story, because ALi is 39 and his wife is 58.
At first I was like illllllllll that is nasty, but after seeing how much they loved each other I understood.
August 1,08
see you later journal.....We will talk later
life is too short, too waste energy or time uplifting other.
Get yourself out the bucket, and maybe others will follow.......
11:09 AM
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