Low Batteries and Small Baby Steps
Current mood: depressed
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
I've always had a very low level of energy. It's probably why (aside from my shunt) I never was much for sports. Sports require stamina, which is something I lack. Lately, I've noticed that my usual low energy level is much much lower than it's ever been. Things take that much more effort to deal with. I'm always yawning, always ready to just crawl into bed and sleep.
Also, I've noticed that my body aches a lot in many different places. I feel like an old man. Tomorrow, I turn 25. 25 year-old guys aren't supposed to feel like old men. They're supposed to be high energy, high testosterone, sex-crazed, excitement-seeking, crazy-ass motherfuckers. Well, at least I got the cray-ass motherfucker part down. There is that.
So, yeah, I'm pretty depressed. Not "slit-my-wrists" depressed, just plain ol' "man, my body aches" depressed.
I've got to do something about this. It's bad and only getting worse.
Step one: get outside and walk for a lil bit everyday. I hate exercising, but NOT exercising isn't doing me much good. So, I'll start small for now and work my way towards the bigger stuff later on.
Ramble of the Listless: Another Entry From the Rambling Hobo Files
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life
I've gone through a lot of emotions in the past week. Sadness, depression, happiness, some anger, and frustration. Okay, so that's not really a lot. More like just a few. I was never good at math. Anyway, the happiness has been minimal and comes in the form of books; buying books, reading books, looking at books, thinking about books. You can see below what book I'm currently reading. So far, it's really funny and it's helped me through a couple of the rougher patches.
It seems strange... this disconnected feeling I have in regards to my entire life outside of work. Work seems to be the only thing keeping me afloat. I wouldn't say that I'm enjoying work. I'm just not hating it as much as I used to. Nothing has changed in what I do, so I can't figure why I hate work less.
When I get home from work, my day is pretty much spent sitting on the couch, reading a book. Day in, day out. I'm not really enjoying reading as much as I used to, which is a total bummer.... dude. You'd think that I'd be blazing through a book a day, but that is not the case. Often, I find my mind wandering into places that are probably best left un-wandered into. Then again, maybe I need to let my mind go to those places. I don't know. I'm learning as I go here, and I have to say, I make a really shitty teacher and student.
There are things I kinda want to talk about, but I'm not entirely sure I really want to know the answers. That way may only lead to more questions. And that's just fucking tiresome.
I've cried once this week, and it was very brief. I basically told myself to stop crying, and I did. It was weird.
I've been listening to Killswitch Engage again. There's nothing quite like listening to the Def Leppard of Metalcore again. It soothes the savage beast...or something like that.
I've been re-examining my life a lot lately... and I find myself wanting. The painful irony is that I don't have a fucking clue what I want. That's pretty much been the case for the nearly 25 years of my existence. I know a lot is missing but I have no idea how to solve it all.
I came up with a new story idea thanks to a bumpersticker I saw on the back of a truck. Of course, me being me, that story won't get written, which is sad because I think it's kind of a funny idea. It has a lot of interesting elements to it, which is something that my other story ideas lack. I don't know why I was born with the ability to write, but not the desire to write anything at all, other than tedious rambling blogs and really shitty emo poetry.
I have no idea how to end this blog, so I'll just leave you with some songs that have been stuck in my head for the past week:
A Weak Writing Pulse and a Longing Heart
Current mood: sick
Category: Life
A significant amount of time has passed since I last blogged, and an even longer time since I wrote anything good. Well, at least I can put an end to the former now. The latter.... well, it'll probably still be a while...
I got back from Florida today. I return to work on Tuesday, and I'm not looking forward to it. I thought about blogging about my time in Florida, but I'm not going to do that at the moment because there are a lot of things to talk about (chief among them, the answer to the question "Why didn't you blog about every day like you did the first time you went to Florida?") and I don't feel like addressing those things so much right now.
The reason for this blog at this time of night (12:38am) is that I just need to do something that isn't reading a book and isn't tossing and turning in my own bed feeling like something's missing. I'm just trying to wear myself down enough for me to go to sleep.
You may have noticed that I changed my profile pic. If you didn't notice, then you're about as observant of the world outside thoughts as I am.
Right now I'm reading The Black Angel by one of my favorite writers, John Connolly. It's getting really really good again after kind of sucking for about 50 pages. But I think that has more to do with my attention span and my thoughts being elsewhere at the time I read those 50 pages than with his writing. The man writes beautiful prose. I highly recommend all of his work.
I'm really not feeling well at the moment. I feel as though I could vomit forever if my gullet loosed. I'm trying not to think about throwing up. It's not easy.
I'm sick to my stomach with longing. Longing to be back in her arms. I know that's all mushy n shit, but it's the truth.
I watched a little of the Olympics with my parents, and that was nice.
I'm kind of running out of things to ramble about, so I'll just stop here.
Currently
listening
:
Aha Shake Heartbreak
By
Kings of Leon
Release date: 2005-02-22
Madness? This is BLOGGING!!!!, or: Blogger Abandonment Issues
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Blogging
I've noticed lately--really, this week in particular-- that some of my favorite bloggers are writing the same blog. The topic: "Hey, I'm not blogging on myspace anymore, but if you click on this link, you can get your daily dose here!"
To those bloggers, I say, "Screw you, man! SCREW! YOU!".... or something like that. Really, I'm not mad. I mean, I'm sad, to be sure. But, I'm really not mad.
Honestly, the only thing that really bothers me about this exodus of talent is the fact that NONE OF THEM GO TO THE SAME PLACE!!!! They're spread out on places like WordPress, Blogger, xanga, etc. I could go on, but, well, I'm a lazy bastard, so I won't.
I wish there was someplace where you could log in, and SHAZAM! All of your friends' blogs from the different blog sites are right there in one place, waiting for you to read them. Anyone know of someplace like that? Feel free, all you computer geeks out there, to steal this wondrous idea and roll with it. Just be sure to thank me when you're rich.
Currently
reading
:
The Hollower
By
Mary Sangiovanni
Hail to the King--I Mean, Knight--, Baby!!!!!
Current mood: knighted
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
As some of you may know, I have a huge love of all things Batman. I've been waiting for The Dark Knight pretty much since I saw Batman Begins a few years back. Since then, I've watched that movie many, many times. It's right on up there in my ever-changing list of All-Time Favorite Movies.
So, what did I think of DK?
To put it plainly... it's the best movie I've seen this year. It outdoes The Incredible Hulk by leaps and bounds. It easily walks right over Hellboy II: The Golden Army, which I do not say lightly, as I am almost as big a fan of Hellboy as I am of Batman. And it has taken the Best Comic Book Movie crown (in my opinion, of course. Why else would you be reading this blog, if not for my own two cents?) from Iron Man's steel trap hands.
What makes DK such a good film is the characters and the atmosphere. More specifically, Heath Ledger's turn as The Joker. Most people think that Jack Nicholson is the ultimate Joker. Well, while he was good, he ain't got JACK SHIT on Heath! The thing that makes Heath's portrayal of the Joker so perfect that it can't be topped is the simple fact that Heath completely transformed himself into The Joker. Onscreen, there was no "Heath Ledger playing The Joker". There was only "The Joker". The rest of the movie could have totally sucked, and I'd still pay full admission price more than a handful of times simply because of Heath's performance. It's that good.
Fortunately, the writing, direction--hell, EVERYTHING-- was good! The movie easily tops its predecessor. This movie is definitely proof that, sometimes, the sequel IS better than the original.
Something that the original film had little of, but which the sequel has lots of, is humor. I won't spoil the funniest part of the movie for anyone, except to say, it's the hospital scene.
Everything in this movie was great. I highly recommend it.
My singular qualm with the movie is the character of Harvey Dent/ Two-Face. In this movie, he's played by Aaron Eckhart. I did not completely buy his transformation from Harvey Dent into Two-Face. Not to mention how his right eye is inexplicably unharmed, but the rest of his face is scarred beyond belief. Not to mention, the eye functions perfectly, as if it wasn't set on fire along with the rest of the right side of his head. But that's just nit-picky stuff, his eyes. Eckhart's transformation is the real downfall in the movie. In my opinion, Two-Face was not evil enough. Perhaps that has more to do with Dent not yet finding the bad side of himself. I don't know. I didn't buy the transformation so much, that's all. Maybe in the next one he'll be better. Still, Eckhart is a good fit for the role.
Now, as for the atmosphere, well.... it was very, very gloomy and dark. It was, in a word, perfect. Something that I love about this film is that it made the first film seem not quite so dark, and yet it wasn't nearly as unreal. DK really sold me on the whole "vigilante dressed as a friggin' bat" thing. It definitely could happen.
I think that this movie is definitely the ultimate Batman movie. Maybe it's successor (whatever it may be) will wear that crown (whenever it comes to a theatre near me), but for now, DK is king.
Anywho, as I stated before, I highly recommend this movie. It's great stuff. Not perfect, but still great. So, go see it if you haven't already! Go go!!!!!!!
Oh, but if you're gonna go see it in IMAX, gimme a friggin' call!!! I want to go!!!
Currently
reading
:
Dusk
By
Tim Lebbon
Release date: 2006-01-31
All I Need Is Books And A Good Woman: Another Entry In The Rambling Hobo Files
Current mood: restless
Category: Blogging
Welcome to another edition of the Rambling Hobo Files!!!! Enjoy!
I'm not depressed, I'm not blah, but I AM restless. This short-term disability crap really actually sucks. I don't relish the thought of returning to UPS, but I DO relish the thought of having something to fill out my day. Reading is all well and good, and I enjoy it immensely. But I've been doing nothing but reading for a few weeks now. Too much of a good thing is too much.
I have a slight job lead at UTSW. It's a coding job, and that's very good. I'm not really holding my breath, though. I'm not going to pin all my hopes and dreams on this one job. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, nothing changes, so why get all huffy about it.
I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, but I'm going to see my sweetie again in a couple of weeks. The thought of seeing her again and of being with her again warms my heart greatly. I leave on August 1st and return on August 10th. Heaven is just a few weeks away.
I'm reading again. Currently, it's The Long Last Call by the man some consider to have created the horror subgenre "splatterpunk", John Skipp. It's a really simple read, and I'm almost done with it... and I just started it today!
I decided to give Tim Lebbon another chance, though this time, I'll be reading one of his fantasy novels, Dusk. Hopefully, I'll be able to get into this one.
Since my sweetie pie gave my room a much needed re-arranging (which is a fancy way of saying "cleaned". Yeah, she's DEFINITELY a keeper!!!!) I have managed to keep it clean. It's been clean for a lil over a week now, I think. It's hard for me to really remember dates these days. One day pretty much blends into the next for me nowadays.
And that's all I got for this edition of the Rambling Hobo Files!
Currently
listening
:
Blood Mountain
By
Mastodon
Release date: 2006-09-12
Funks Suck
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life
The best way to describe today: blah... or perhaps meh. I dunno. It could be both or neither.
I had a hell of a time getting to sleep last night. Fell asleep around 330 or 4am. Watched a few movies. Usually when I lay in bed and watch a movie, I fall asleep. Didn't work so well last night. I read a lil bit, and usually when I read in bed, I fall asleep. Again, it didn't work so well last night.
I've felt kind of antsy today, like I've got a lot of energy that needs to be expended. I've felt antsy on and off since my surgery. Being laid up for around two weeks'll do that to a guy, I suppose.
Yesterday was kind of a lost day for me. I didn't do a whole lot. I mean, yeah, I started writing a new story, but it didn't get very far, and I have no idea at all where I'm headed with it. It may fall by the wayside, just like most all the stories I start. They never get finished.
I gave up reading Berserk by Tim Lebbon. It just wasn't very interesting. Sure, it was creepy and weird, but so am I, and I don't think that I'm all that interesting. So there you have it. I dunno. It could be that my mood the past couple of days, including today, have clouded my ability to enjoy a book for the time being. I tried reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Apparently, it's supposed to be this great, moving novel. Hell, one of my favorite bloggers, *S*U*S*A*N*, even wrote a glowing review of it the other day. The coincidence of her review and my picking up the book in such a close time span is not lost on me. But I couldn't get into it. I got to about page 25, and I said to myself "fuck it" and closed the book. Usually, I give a book about 20 pages to draw me in. If it doesn't draw me in by then, I have been known to put a book down. It doesn't happen often, and it's never happened two books in a row.
So, I'm gonna not read a book for a day or two, or at least until I can pull myself out of this weird funk. I hope it works, because funks just plain suck.
Currently
listening
:
Mescalito
By
Ryan Bingham
Release date: 2007-10-02
Staples: That Was Easy
Current mood: relieved
Category: Life
In the continuing drama that is my shunt replacement surgery/recovery, today, I saw my neurosurgeon for the first time since the surgery, not counting the quick visit he made when I was lying in a hospital bed. My dad drove us to the local TRE station, and we took the train to the hospital where I had my surgery.
Because of the train schedule, we arrived at the hospital an hour early. Then, we spent another half-hour past my appointment time waiting to be called in to his office. I was a lil peeved about the half-hour delay, but that's just because I was anxious to get the staples removed from my head and stomach. I didn't know at the time what "staple removal" entails, but being the pessimist that I am, I imagined the worst-case scenario.
For anyone that has yet to have staples removed from their body, I'm here to tell you that it's not that bad, and relatively painless. Okay, so it DID hurt when the doc "accidentally took" some hair samples while removing the staples from my head. But the stomach staples were nothing, really. Sure, my stomach bled a bit, but so did my head, so....yeah, there you have it.
I'm a huge wuss with a highly active imagination. That's a bad combination, if you don't know. So I made a big deal about nothing when it came to the staples. I feel a lot better knowing that I don't have any metal in me anymore.... that I know of...
Anywho, the doc said that I didn't need a follow-up appointment, told me that I only needed to get an appointment if something goes wrong. So ends another chapter of my recovery.
Currently
listening
:
Mescalito
By
Ryan Bingham
Release date: 2007-10-02
I’m Not Dead!
Current mood: animated
Category: Life
Well, well, well.... so the doctor didn't fuck up! I'm alive, people! Isn't that nifty!....yeah, okay, whatever....cold slaps....
Anywho, it's been, what? A week or so since I went under the knife? Yeah, something like that. I'm not one hundred percent. As a matter of fact, I'm fading pretty quickly here, so I'll have to keep this blog short.
The shunt --er, BOOB (*nods to Casey*)-- placement is, in a word, perfect. I've got lots of staples in my head and my stomach. I've also got a new scar, since the doc didn't go through the same scar in my belly. I'm definitely questioning this on Monday, when I go for my first post-op visit. My head feels swirly. I hate the feel of staples in my person. Showering is a terrifying prospect that I've dealt with quite well, I think. The past couple of days, I've been able to sit up for long periods (meaning hours) at at time. I can walk and stand, but not for too long (meaning just a few minutes), and I haven't been in a car since my mom drove me home. I've watched a lot of movies since I've been home. I've been on a minimal amount of painkillers. Apparently, I'm a lil tougher than I give myself credit for... or something like that. Mom says my lil horseshoe of a cranial scar is now just a lil bit larger than before. No great loss, really.
Anywho, Penny comes in tomorrow morning for the weekend, and I can't wait to see her again! I know I'm gonna heal faster just by getting a look at her with my own two eyes!
Anywho, the words on the screen are getting kinda blurry, so I think that means I better quit typing.
Thanks to all the people who sent me well-wishes and sent good vibes my way. I appreciate you all so damn much!
The Garden’s In Bloom: A Note-worthy Blog Written By A Friend
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Blogging
I know that I've already written a blog today, but a friend on myspace, Leah, asked me to read her blogs, and so I have been, and I came across a rather beautiful blog she wrote a little over 3 weeks ago. It's a touching blog, and I thought I'd share it with people. It's about family, gardening, and love. What more could you ask for?
So, what are you waiting for? Go read "The Garden's In Bloom". You'll be glad you did! I know I was.
depressed
sick
annoyed
knighted
restless
indescribable
relieved
animated
thoughtful
