An Open letter to Satan
Current mood: devious
Category: Religion and Philosophy

[The following is a spoof of a blog posting by Eric and is only meant as a parody.  Any resemblance to an actual blog posting is purely coincidental.]

Chinga tu madre, pinche puto

I have come to the conclusion that you are not a loving, caring, nurturing, Abercrombie & Fitch wearing, President Bush hating, Pope Benedict XVI loving, or for that matter a nice profoundly, evil fallen angel for the following reasons:

You have several aliases: Names such as The Devil, Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles,  and even The Master of Deceit have all been attributed to you.  Mexicans even call you Satanas, which eerily sounds vaguely like Santa Claus (another figure I plan on writing an open letter to).  How can a person begin to keep track of your whereabouts?  Satan, with all due respect,  I'll just call you Stan.

You are blamed for storms, twisters, and blizzards: Seems every time there are massive floods, deadly tornadoes, or heavy snowstorms, the media refers to these events as "wicked weather". Since you are in the business of doing evil, I can only assume that you are behind such severe disasters. Do the world a favor Stan and leave the weather alone before you bankrupt the Red Cross.
 
Anyone ever laugh at The Church Lady?: Back when SNL was funny,  Dana Carvey created TCL to further your agenda. 

You have your own philosophy-based church: Anton Szandor LaVey created the Church of Satan on April 30,1966.  He should have waited until June 6 to make the date very symbolic.

You are being compared to persons who are perceived as being evil: Stan, Adolf Hitler was once the poster child for 100% evilness (Charles Manson was next on the list) but lately it seems you are number 1.  Congratulations!
 
Millions wonder what you look like.  Are you a snake, a man-goat with horns, or a dragon?  Would you be rated hot or not?

You have many folks yelling "It's hot as Hell!": Some geek even wrote an essay to answer the question of how hot Hell is.

Satanas, muchos le odian, pocos le dan amór, y sé que usted esta detrás de la creación de la programa de la televisión "Sabor del Amor" con Flavor Flav.

Vaya al infierno!

-dave

1:15 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Random Facts of Violins.
Current mood: blissful
Category: and hissful News and Politics

[Disclaimer: The following is a series of new writings in which the writer will attempt (albeit feebly) at creating humor.  Any resemblance to actual humor is purely coincidental.]

What a week it has been. 

Okay,  I've just sat around and looked at online porn but that's a hard job in itself…pun intended.  But along with the FREE cyber sex pix,  I've also stumbled upon some stories that just make me ponder life in general.

Take for example the three Texas teens who are being charged with the misdemeanor abuse of a corpse... by making a marijuana bong out of a human skull.

I've taken anatomy before and nowhere do I recall that a skull can make a good device to smoke a bowl of ganja.  I may have fallen asleep during that A&P section.  While I've smoked weed before, I've never utilized a human body part to help me get stoned. Well, unless you count my OWN mouth. Ha! So now I'm wondering just how the sticky must taste by using a human head.

I can only imagine how the conversation went as the three stoners were taking hits from the bong:

Stoner 1: "Dude…stop bogarting.  Puff, puff, pass the magic dragon!"

Stoner 2: (blowing out smoke) "Hahahahahaha…you said 'ask the magic 

                 dragon'."

Stoner 1: "No, I didn't dude.  I said piss…PISS…P-I-S-S…hahahaha…

                  piss…imagine a  dragon pissing dude?"

Stoner 3: "A dude who pisses dragons? Hahahaha…that's funny bro!"

Stoner 1: "Dude…stop bogarting.  Puff, puff, pass the magic dragon!"

Stoner 2: (taking another hit and blowing smoke all around) "Wow…this feels

                 like déjà vu all over again."

Stoner 3: "I just realized that this will be my first time getting head. Hahahaha. 

                  Get it? Head??"

Stoner 2: (passes skull bong to Stoner 1) " Let's go get McDonalds.  I got  

                 like two bucks."

Stoner 3: (continues to laugh even harder) "Hahaha…I just farted!!"

Wow.  To be young, dumb, and full of…weed again.  Memories.

In other sad news, a bikini car wash business has…well…been washed out of business. Now,  their customers will have to go back to the strip clubs.  Perhaps they can buy a lady a drink and she can wash his wallet clean. 

Until next time America.

-dave

1:35 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Random Facts of Violins.
Current mood: mad
Category: and "moo-ved" News and Politics

[This blog was originally published May 7, 2008.  It was re-edited May 10th.]

I haven't written anything in a great while.  So,  I've decided to try to attempt to try to write some sort of crap to not only amuse myself, but whomever reads this. 

Starting with this entry,  I will scour the world wide web and find items that are worthy for discussion.  Today's gem comes from New Jersey and, be forewarned, is extremely graphic.

According to the article found on the South Jersey Local News website (the link to this article has been disabled), a former Moorestown, NJ police officer was charged for having oral sex...with a cow. 

Thirty eight year old Robert Melia stands accused of having "performed several sexual acts with livestock." He "has been charged with four counts of animal cruelty after purposely and knowingly tormenting an animal, specifically by having a cow perform fellatio, according to the Burlington County Prosecutor's office."

Getting head from a cow sounds weird, but then it doesn't...curiously enough.  Have you ever seen a cow's tounge?  It's HUGE.  I LOVE eating a cow's tounge (it's a Mexican thing I guess) because it's like eating barbacoa tacos. 

Yum Yum.  (Barbacoa, for those not too familiar, is the cooked meat from a cow's head).

Anyway, back to the article (I tend to get lost when I discuss food).  I feel bad for the cows.  Poor Elsie and her friends.  She must really hate the taste of a penis.  Can you imagine what was going through the cow's head?

"Gee, this is one strange looking udder.  Even the white crap it shoots out tastes yucky!"

But worse things have been done to livestock.  There are people who have had sex with them.

No wonder cows have mad cow disease.  I'd be pissed too if some dude was trying to "pork" me or was waving his wee-wee in front of me so that I could lick it. 

What a "moo-ving" story.

Sorry,  I had to throw in a stupid pun in somewhere.

Until next time America.

-dave  

p.m.s. big thanks to Darla for showing me this story.

2:17 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My two dads are gay-ish looking.
Current mood: quixotic
Category: MySpace

I tend to indulge in a certain natural plant that was planted on Earth.  When I do, I tend to ponder more than usual as my mente (that's Espanish for 'mind' for you white folks) tends to expand more than the Universe.  I was thinking as to why I have those on my 'Top 12' in the slots that have been assigned to them.  Here are the reasons in no particular order:

Number one is of course Tom,  the man himself who co-created MySpace.com.  Tom Anderson will always be El Numero Uno on my list and only a direct threat from Rupert Murdoch himself will I remove Tom myself.

My blood brother comes in next.  He has always told me, "Dave, when the cops are right behind you but 10 cars back and stopped at a redlight, PANIC and throw all the weed  out.  No blunts, no joints, no roaches…no problem."

Spot 3 is reserved for his son, aka "Da neh-few".  He has always told me" Dave, when the cops are right behind you but 10 cars back and stopped at a redlight,  DON'T tell my dad as he will throw all the weed out.  No blunts, no joints, no roaches…big problem."

Cuatro is a fan favorite as she has told me herself that I am her fave out of all her 2,638,528 MySpace.com friends.

Stephers is my number 5.  What we have in common is King High school is our alma mater.

What can I say about my number sex…errrrrr….six except she knows more about me than I even know about myself.  Thanks a lot PMK.  Breast friends por vida loca ruka.

Seven oh boy is heaven.  No wait.  That comment is for number 8.  Numero siete goes to mi amiga, mi  chat buddy, mi saka moko (Japanese for "tissue").  Alivia,  tu eres una persona con mucho queso en el bano.  KNAI!! Ugh.

Okay,  this upcoming Canadian chick was one of the first females I  met in a MySpace.com chatroom.  Skeet, skeet, skeet Lexxi! You deserve number eight.

Nine is for a fellow DJ aka She-J Kelly XOXO aka Kelly Trance.  She is on the way to the top guys.

Ten is for a  young and educated lady who is not only a fellow stoner but is also the current reigning Miss High Times 2007!  Legalize it.  It will happen.

11 is for someone who contacted me and never contacted me again.  But they have that kewl "Sesame Street" song parody on their profile.

Finally, last but not least,  Rach is my number twelve, rounding out my dozen buddies.  I met Rach many chat rooms ago and just recently ran into her.  I hope next time, it's with a car.  I defecate in her throat.

So back to my intense pondering.  Tune in next time, when I discuss lesbian midgets and their attraction to huge vaginas.

Until next time America,

-dave   

12:04 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Random Crap
Current mood: Bastermating to Goat porn.

Hey MySpacers,

It's been a while since I last posted so I got my fingers out of my ass (anal sex ain't too bad) and decided to type out what garbage exists in my mind.

1. Bush has sentenced another 2,000 plus troops to a possible death sentence when he sends them overseas.

2. School glue tastes good with a little bit of added sugar. Add snot for flavoring and color.

3. One great place to meet chicks is at the local welfare office.  If you like kids though. And drama.

There.

I just wanted to lay whatever crappy thoughts were in my head on this page.  Maybe I'll post some more later or possibly not.  Possibly not. Ugh.

Until next time America,

-dave

3:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Sixty- Niner is a Shiner.
Category: MySpace

Hey Hey,

I've been on MySpace.com for well over a year now.  A little over a year ago I was directed to this site and I haven't turned back.  Before that I had no idea what the hell MySpace was.  Prior to that,  I had no life.  Well,  I still don't.  Ugh.

Anywhoo,  I've decided to become even more pathetic and start a contest up.  I am in the search for a MySpace.com friend Numero 69. 

That's right.  I currently have 68 folks on my list and decided wouldn't it be fun to give something to the person (or persons) who fill that prestigious slot...other than the number one Top Spot.  So here is how it works.  Tell all your friends (or yourself if you are not currently on my list) about this weird dude from TexASS who is holding this stupid contest that he knows no one will even attempt to enter or try out for.  There are no rules except this: the persons entering will write me a short message as to why they think they should be my number 69.  The most intriguing answers/responses will get my attention.  In return, they will win (absolutely FREE) a gift package to be sent to them via snail mail.  Plus I will mention them in future blogs & bulletins.  It's THAT EASY.  No restrictions.  No hidden fees.  No strings attached.

So if you think you got what it takes to be a sixty-niner (and there ain't nothing to it), then enter TODAY!!  YAY!!  UGH!!

Until next time America,

-dave

p.m.s. contest runs until the end of October 2006.  That's the 31st aka Halloweenie when it closes.  ONLY TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY...SO HURRY AND DON'T WASTE ANOTHER SECOND!!

1:56 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Sixty- Niner is a Shiner.
Category: MySpace

Hey Hey,

I've been on MySpace.com for well over a year now.  A little over a year ago I was directed to this site and I haven't turned back.  Before that I had no idea what the hell MySpace was.  Prior to that,  I had no life.  Well,  I still don't.  Ugh.

Anywhoo,  I've decided to become even more pathetic and start a contest up.  I am in the search for a MySpace.com friend Numero 69. 

That's right.  I currently have 68 folks on my list and decided wouldn't it be fun to give something to the person (or persons) who fill that prestigious slot...other than the number one Top Spot.  So here is how it works.  Tell all your friends (or yourself if you are not currently on my list) about this weird dude from TexASS who is holding this stupid contest that he knows no one will even attempt to enter or try out for.  There are no rules except this: the persons entering will write me a short message as to why they think they should be my number 69.  The most intriguing answers/responses will get my attention.  In return, they will win (absolutely FREE) a gift package to be sent to them via snail mail.  Plus I will mention them in future blogs & bulletins.  It's THAT EASY.  No restrictions.  No hidden fees.  No strings attached.

So if you think you got what it takes to be a sixty-niner (and there ain't nothing to it), then enter TODAY!!  YAY!!  UGH!!

Until next time America,

-dave

p.m.s. contest runs until the end of October 2006.  That's the 31st aka Halloweenie when it closes.  ONLY TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY...SO HURRY AND DON' WASTE ANOTHER SECOND!!

1:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I got Lotto Fever & it's high. Ugh.
Current mood: Gambling
Category: Gambling Goals, Plans, Hopes

Hey MySpacers,

So like I now have a new hobby and I think I am out of control.  It's the Texas Lotto's Pick 3.  I have been playing for several weeks and I think that I may have to call that Gambler's Anonymous phone number listed on the back of every scratch off lotto ticket.  Let me go call them right now.  Hold on.

Wow.  They helped me out.  Check out the transcript of my phone call to the hotline:

Gambler's Anonymous (GA): Thank you for calling Gambler's Anonymous, where we bet you called because you need help.  How can I help you today?

-dave: Hi.  I...I..I..I think I need help with my addiction ma'am.

GA: What type of gambling are you addicted to sir? Horse racing? Greyhounds? Slot machines? Bingo? Or the lottery?

-dave: The damn Texas Lotto...especially the damn Pick 3.  Those damn three little numbers consume my every waking moment.  I spend dollars at a time trying to hit it.  I think I'm more addicted to that damn game than Mark Foley is to young males. (I start to cry at this point)

GA: Sir,  it's okay.  I bet you need a tissue.  Go grab one.  Try to think of something positive or do something that will occupy your mind.  Perhaps surfing for some FREE internet porn or...

-dave: Thanks for your help lady.  I'm going to Circle K to pick me up several scratch offs and some Pick 3s.

Ugh.  I need help.  Not only do I play Pick 3 but I also pick 3 boogers from my nose.  Ugh.

Until next time America,

-dave

11:53 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Wasted Days & Wasted Nights.

Dear You,

Allow me to introduce myself.  I am Dave's brain...or part of it.  Daves like a zombie at this time and so I have to take over and type this out so that you guys can have something to read besides the back of cereal boxes or the latest issue of "People".  Daves been staying up all night and without the aid of alcoholic beverages or illicit drugs.  I can't figure out why he does this but rest assured that he does sleep during the day...seeing since he is unemployed and worthless.  But you got to hand it to the dude...he can surely surf for FREE porn all night!  Actually, earlier he did update his profile so if you get the chance I suggest you go check it out.  Not too much to see or brag about to other MySpacers but it does show that even dumbasses can do a webpage.  I can call him a dumbass because his ass is dumb.  Wait a minute.  If his ass is dumb that means that I am dumb.  Ugh.  I'll have to go do more studying and spend more days & nights @ the library.

I better get going since it seems he is starting to doze off and he does need his beauty sleep.  Poor dude.  I'll let him sleep in and then wake him up in time for Judge Judy.  Ugh.

Until next time America.

-dave's brain 

4:14 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

UPDATE: David is alive & well! Film at 11 or 10.
Category: Life

Hola Hola,

As I type this I am jamming out to the radio as they mix shit from the 80's and I am dancing.  I think if we all danced once in a while , life would be better.  Also laughter.  We all need to laugh...some more than others.

Anyhoo,  just hadn't written in a long ass while so here it goes:  Apologies to those who read this.  Not too much interesting shit going on in my pathetic loser life. 

I am currently back in school after like 8 years of not being in college.  It feels kinda trippy,  kinda like Rodney Dangerfield and that movie he did in which he goes back to college at an old age.  Ugh.  I am taking one business class and THAT is more than enough.  So much crap to do.  But I am surviving and so far passing with an A.  Hehehe. Yes, deep down I am a nerd at heart.  I also started a business venture with my brother on my birthday.  On June 1st,   we formed an entertainment company and we are still in the planning stages in forming this company.  We have bought the necessary equipment and are getting ready to launch the company full force in the next few months.  I'll keep you posted. 

Last night I hung out with my brother and my sister in law.  We went to the downtown area under the Harbor Bridge and went to this new place that a buddy of ours just started working at.  It's a bar & grill called Brewster Street Icehouse and I liked it.  It is owned by Dusty Durrill,  the same owner of the Concrete Street Amphitheater.  We drank beers and sampled their fried foods section.  Located by the Whataburger Field (directly right across from it),  the place is a great location and with your ticket stub from either a Hooks game or a concert from the CSA,  you get one FREE beer!  FREE CERVEZA!!  YAY!  So if you go to a game or a concert,  give me your stubs.  There is nothing better than beer  but nothing better that beats a FREE BEER!  Then we headed out to the CSA for a FREE country concert.  Some guy named Jeff Bates played and it was pretty kewl.  What I LOVED were the HOTTIES who wore skimpy skirts & cowgirl hats.  Yummy!  Haha!  I was watching them rather than the headliner,  whomever he is or was.  Haha.  All in all I had a great time hanging out with my family as I hadn't done so in a while.  We also hung out in the downtown bars later that night and went to another new karaoke bar, but more on THAT adventure on another blog.

Until next time America,

-dave

10:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment